Age of Innocence

~~~~Age Of Innocence~~~~

~~~~Chapter Seven: Of Dogs, Rats And Evening Chats~~~~

~~The Jazz Band Club, Gravesend, Kent, UK - Dec, 24th, 1924~~

Petey watched Jimmy leave the club, a thoughtful expression on his face. This was the first time he'd met the kid he'd heard so much about, and something nagged at the back of his brain though he couldn't place what it was. It was almost like a familiarity, as if he should know the boy, though he didn't know how that would be possible. His attention was drawn back to the reason he'd come to this club tonight however when Sirius called the bartender for another drink. Judging from the amount of dead soldiers already on the table however, it was clear Petey had to stop Sirius's binge, and Petey had every intention of doing just that.

Turning back to gaze on his friend he shook his head sadly. 'Don't you think you've had enough, Sirius?' he said quietly.

Sirius only glared at him and said in his slurred voice, 'I'll say when I've ha' enoug'. Ya no' me keeper.'

'No, I am your goddamned friend though. If you think I'm going to let you get so far gone because of stupidity you've got another thing coming,' Petey said irritated now. This had gone far enough, he was going to put an end to it once and for all.

Standing up he walked over to the bartender to hold off the next drink and paid up Sirius's bill for him, then walked back over to the booth. 'Get up, we're leaving,' he said angrily.

'Leavin'? Don' thin' so, Petey. Got me another roun' comin'. Ya leave, I don' wan' no company anyways,' he scowled.

'You don't have another round coming, I settled you up,' Petey said in a tight voice. Leaning in he whispered into Sirius's ear, 'Either you get up right now and come with me or I'll put you in a body bind and drag your sorry arse outta this club got it?'

Sirius's eyes widened at that threat, knowing full well in the condition he was in he probably couldn't fight back even if Petey was so much smaller than him. With a growl he silently nodded his head and attempted to get out of the booth, only that didn't work too well at all and he landed straight flat on his face. With a heavy groan he lay there, wondering himself what he was doing all of a sudden.

Petey sighed and helped his friend get back up, no easy feat either, but somehow he did manage to get Sirius standings upwards again. Without saying anything he seemed to almost know what was going on with Sirius, it was as if he could read the other man's thoughts. Right about now he was going through the emotional charts, denial, anger, pain and guilt. It hurt Petey no end to see his friend hurting so badly, and somehow he was going to get him to see sense in all this. That every single Christmas Sirius didn't need to be drowning out his sorrows this way.

Taking Sirius round the back of the club to an alleyway that was deserted he sat him down on a snow covered box and dug round in his pockets for a moment. He pulled out a small phial of a bluish liquid, one that Sirius eyed warily. 'Take it Siri, don't have a row with me on this,' he said holding out the phial.

Sirius stubbornly shook his head. 'Nah, wha's th' poin' o' gettin' drunk if'n ya can' enjoy it, Petey...' he said harshly.

Petey wasn't in the mood anymore to deal with all of this. Pulling his wand out faster than he knew Sirius could react he whispered, 'Petrificus Totalus!', and seconds later Sirius was flat out on his back, aware but not able to argue with him any longer. Kneeling down into the snow by his friend Petey sighed deeply, giving Sirius a sad gaze. 'I warned you, Padfoot. I did warn you I wasn't going to put up with you much longer like this, and I'm not. Now, you're going to take the fucking Sober-Up potion whether you like or not,' he said.

He uncorked the phial and opened Sirius's mouth just enough to pour the contents of the phial down his throat a little at a time so he wouldn't choke. When the phial was completely emptied he corked it back up and put it back in his pocket, then sat down in the snow next to Sirius and waited. He wanted Sirius back in control before he let him out of the binds, or at least able to walk without falling on his face.

Sighing now he looked down at his friend, and his anger abated. It had been sixteen years since the episode with Remus, sixteen years of waiting, hoping and in the end, giving up on his dreams of ever being with Sirius. With Remus's help Petey had convinced Sirius to join Lucius, though it had taken far longer than the week Macnair wanted. Lucius however, upon hearing of the plan to recruit Sirius Black into his ranks, knew that he wasn't going to be swayed so easily. At first he wanted to drug Sirius into submission, but Petey and Remus convinced Lucius that they could do it on their own, just to give them time.

A month is what it had taken in the end however, but it had been well worth the efforts as far as Lucius was concerned. Sirius had turned out to be the best strongarm he'd ever seen, and after he had joined up never once had a payoff or killing gone wrong. Sirius was crafty, sly and downright cruel actually when it came to collecting, and Lucius enjoyed that aspect of the man. Since he hadn't really know Sirius from Hogwarts he only could base his information on the man from his schoolmates, and of course Severus.

Severus hadn't been thrilled to have Sirius join up, but then those two had a hatred that was so deep it still existed today pretty much. It all stemmed back to a prank Sirius had pulled on Severus back at Hogwarts in which he sent him off to be killed by Remus during a full moon. Though Sirius had sworn he hadn't meant to kill Severus, only scare him and make him leave Remus alone, in the end Severus still never forgave him. Ironically however instead of making Severus leave Remus be it only fuelled his desire for the werewolf even more. Now of course none of it mattered since obviously the two of them had patched up any issues from long ago.

Petey sighed again in frustration as he thought about Remus and Severus, and how odd their relationship was. At the same time though they did have a relationship, one that had lasted all these years, and Petey felt a bit of jealousy at that. After he'd pretty much allowed Remus to seduced him they had agreed it was going to be just that one time, and that's all it had been. It's not that Petey couldn't have gone back for more, but his heart wouldn't let him, it wasn't Remus he wanted. In the end though he never did find the courage or bravery to confront Sirius, and after Sirius started working for Lucius he sometimes didn't even see him for months on end, as was the case now.

It had actually been six months since he'd last seen Sirius, and it had been only a brief meeting in Lucius's London offices. They had gone for a quick drink after the business was finished up, and they parted ways and that was that. Petey often wonder how on earth he had been sorted in Gryffindor back at school when he couldn't even find the bravery to have told Sirius what he felt for him all these years. Mainly because he was just too afraid of the rejection. It was one thing to love Sirius from afar, but another to confront that love and have it throw in your face. For all Petey knew Sirius still loved Remus, those two had always been close and still were even if Remus now was with Severus.

Looking back down at his friend now he could see the potion was beginning to kick in. Sirius was relaxing more, he could tell that through the bind even. His eyes weren't so bloodshot either now, and silently he thanked the fact he'd remembered to ask Severus before he'd gone off on his trip for the phial. He wasn't sure he was going to need it, he rather had hoped not, but better safe than sorry, and apparently his safeness had paid off.

It was getting quite cold now in the alleyway, a draft was breezing through and sitting in the snow wasn't helping Petey's mood. Standing up he gazed back down at Sirius and said, 'I'm going to let you out of the bind Siri. But I'm warning you, you try anything and you'll be back down before you know it. I may not be as good with magic as you always were, but I'm still quicker than you will be at the moment, and that's not saying much. You know I was always a lousy dueller,' he said with a slight nervous chuckle.

Sirius of course didn't respond but just looked back up at Petey, a sadness in his eyes. Petey couldn't take that look however and closed his eyes against it, sighing deeply. He whispered the words to release him from the petrificus, and just stood there, eyes closed, waiting for what Sirius would do next. After a moment when nothing seemed to be happening he opened his eyes in surprise, wondering what was going on.

Sirius hadn't moved from where he lay, he was just gazing up at Petey with a strange look on his face. Petey was concerned and gazed back at him questioningly. 'Siri? Sirius?' he said softly, then knelt down in the snow again next to him. 'Oh Merlin, Siri I'm sorry, I really am. I just....I just....Remus told me I should be strong after we...but...oh hell I can't do this!' he cried out then, and quickly stood and started running off, pain tearing at his heart and mind.

He ran out of the alley and down the block, not even caring who would see him or where he was going. He stopped in a doorway for a moment, confident Sirius probably wasn't going to want to catch up to him, and let silent tears fall in cold rivulets down his cheeks. Once again he had proved he wasn't a Gryffindor, and had run away from what he most desired.

'You're going to freeze to death that way. Come on, let's go back to the Yard and get warmed up,' a voice said, an almost tender voice even, which caused Petey to cry even harder.

'No...go on without me, I don't deserve any kindness from you, Siri. I don't deserve...' he began but was cut off by Sirius.

'Just stop yapping and move, Pete. I'm not going to stand here and fight with you on this. I'm freezing my arse off and I know you must be solidly frozen, you never were very strong in the winters. Now let's go,' Sirius said in an authoritative tone of voice, and grabbed Petey's arm to drag him off.

Petey was surprised but hadn't much choice but to follow Sirius. He sniffed back the rest of his tears, a tiny glow of hope flowing through him. Sirius had never been forceful with him, even at school he was always treated by the others as a china object, weaker and needing more attention. A part of Petey however had always wished that they would have been more aggressive with him, more dominate like Remus had been that day. Now that he thought back on that he realised why he had wanted more from Remus...it was because for the first time Remus hadn't treated him like a china doll.

The had gotten almost back to the Yard when Petey felt a sharp pain in his arm, and realised Sirius was the cause of it. He wondered what was going through Sirius's head and though he had wanted him to be a bit more forceful, he certainly hadn't meant painful. 'Siri...Siri you're hurting me...' Petey said now as Sirius gripped his arm even tighter. Apparently the Sober-Up Potion was now fully in effect, and Sirius was no longer under the effects of the alcohol, meaning he'd gotten his strength and wits back. 'Sirius....Siri please...' he said as Sirius only gripped his arm even tighter.

Sirius didn't say anything, nor did he let go of Petey's arm. In fact he seemed angry now, and Petey was getting more than worried. With Sirius sober there was no way he could fight him, he didn't stand a chance against a man like Sirius either magically or muggle ways. When they got to the Yard Petey was getting really concerned now. Sirius was gripping his arm so hard he was sure he was going to get bruises from it, and he tried to resist him now.

Sirius stopped at the door to the Yard and turned to him, his black eyes blazing with something very close to hatred. Petey tried to resist him and wrench his arm away but before he knew it Sirius had smacked him across the face, and smacked him hard. He could even taste blood in his mouth, and he whimpered a bit in fear.

'You try that again, Petey, and it'll be more than a crack across the mouth you'll get from me,' he said in a cold voice, then before Petey could even respond Sirius dragged him inside the Yard and up the stairs to his room.

When they got there Sirius slammed the door behind them and finally let Petey go, throwing him down on the bed, giving him a look of such intenseness that made Petey cringe and scramble away. 'Siri...Sirius...what are you doing? What's wrong with you? Why are you acting this way?' Petey asked in a small voice.

Sirius scowled and went over to fetch two towels from the washbowl rack. Throwing one to Petey he muttered, 'Get those clothes off and dry down. I'm not going to have you catching pneumonia or something.' Then Sirius himself followed his own advice and started to strip down, which made Petey turn away quickly. The one thing he didn't think he could handle it right now was to see the man he'd dreamed about so long in nothing but his bare naked skin.

Climbing off the bed he turned himself to the wall and got out of his own clothes, dropping them in a pile on the floor. Before he was done a set of warm pyjamas were thrown onto the bed, and he quickly got into them since by now he really was shivering and frozen to the bone. 'C-c-could y-you p-put up a-a w-warming s-spell?' Petey said through chattering teeth as he turned back to face the still angry Sirius.

Sirius grunted and shook his head. 'The is a muggle place, Petey, you know I can't. I'll put some more wood in the burner, it'll take a while though. Get into bed and cover yourself up with the duvet, and if you argue with me I'll make you do it,' he said glaring at Petey, then went over and took out some wood from a small basket. Each room at the Yard had it's own small stove-pipe burner, it was used for general cooking, and the only heat source.

Petey didn't argue and slipped under the duvet gratefully, teeth still chattering until he finally warmed up a few moments later. Sirius came over scowling, then sat down on a small three-legged stool that he had in the room. He eyed Petey for a few moments as if debating what he was going to say, but there was no question in Petey's mind Sirius was angry. Sober and angry, not a good mix on any given day.

'Siri? Why...' Petey began to say but a hard cold look from Sirius made him clam up quickly.

'Shut up. Just shut up, Pete,' he growled, and again seemed to choose his words carefully. He pulled the stool over to the bed, right up against it and glared down at Petey. Finally he said in an odd voice now, 'You bedded him didn't you.' Not a question, a statement.

Petey looked back at Sirius in shock, then he realised who it was he was talking about. Turning his face away from Sirius he said in a small voice, 'I-I don't know w-what you m-mean, Siri-'

Before Petey could even finish his sentence however Sirius was on the bed, pinning him down, and roughly turned his face to look him in the eyes. 'Don't fuck with me, Pete! You bedded him didn't you!' he spat out, his eyes completely fogged over with pure anger and hatred.

Petey winced as Sirius gripped his arms hard again and said, 'Siri...goddammit, get the hell off me...get off me!' He tried to squirm away but Sirius only held him down harder. This wasn't exactly what he'd imagined when he wanted Sirius to be more dominating that much he knew. With Remus it was one thing, he wasn't really a violent person when he was human, but Sirius was whole different cauldron of potions. He was pure muscle, and a downright violent person, especially when he was sober and angry like this.

'Answer the fucking question, Pete! DID YOU BED HIM?' he screamed out now.

'YES! All right? Yes, I did!' Petey yelled back now, tears beginning to reform in his eyes. He looked up at Sirius through his foggy glasses, waiting for whatever would happen next. What happened however wasn't what he expected.

Sirius suddenly gave a pained groan and released Petey, getting off him to sit on the side of the bed. 'When?' he said in a quiet voice now.

Petey sighed and sat up, taking his glasses off and putting them on the nightstand so they wouldn't get more foggier then they already were. 'A long time ago. Before...before you joined Lucius even,' he said in just as quiet a voice.

Sirius was shaking now, seemingly in some sort of pain. 'Why? Why, Pete?' he said in a strained voice, and turned to face the smaller man, torment in his eyes.

'Oh, Siri...' Petey said in a hushed voice as he sadly shook his head. 'it wasn't exactly like it was planned to happen, it just did. He was doped up...it was...oh Merlin...it was Christmas Eve, 1908. I went to see him at the Club and...oh gods, I didn't know he had started taking the dope I swear it. I only went there to talk to him because Macnair ordered me to get him in order to recruit you. We went to his room only to talk..I swear that much...and....oh hell it just happened all right?'

'He...so that's when he...he started on the dope then,' Sirius said softly, a deep sigh coming from him.

Petey nodded and put a hand out on Sirius's shoulder. 'I tried to get him to stop but, he needed it so badly. He was so much in pain, Sirius...I felt so guilty for what I'd done to him and he didn't even blame me for it. He was a mess but I wanted to hurt him, I wanted to get him to see reason but...well not like I could eh?' he said with a watery smile. 'I never meant to hurt him, Padfoot, I swear it too you. I know you love him...I'm so sorry...' he said quietly, pain tearing his heart out as he said those words. It hurt him to know how much Sirius loved Remus, it always would hurt him.

Sirius looked at Petey strangely then shook his head. 'I care a lot 'bout Moony, I don't deny that, Pete. He was my first lover, as I was his back at school. I suppose we ended up addicted to each other...like a moth drawn to the flames. We needed each other, to hold each other, be together. But...' he said slowly, as if he didn't want to finish the rest for some reason.

'But?' Petey asked curiously.

'But..I never 'loved' him in the meaning of the word love, not that way, Petey. Lust, Merlin yes, we both lusted after each other, but it was never love. Truth is....well....the truth is...oh hell,' Sirius said with a groan and flopped back onto the bed with a thud closing his eyes with a sigh.

'Siri? Padfoot? What is it?' Petey asked quietly and leaned over his friend, his heart beating a mile a minute at this confession.

Sirius reopened his eyes and gazed back up at Petey with a very strange expression now. 'The truth of the matter was, Pete is that we only went for each other because...because who we both really wanted we didn't think we could have. So instead we found solace with each other, knowing that lust and sex was all it would ever be. I only sent Snape out there because I was jealous, I didn't want him with Snape even though I knew that's who Remus really wanted to bed. I hated knowing it was Severus's name he screamed out when we shagged,' he said in a strange voice and looked away from Petey.

Petey frowned, unsure of what this meant. 'I don't get it, if that's all it was then...if you both wanted other people then why didn't you go for them?' he asked confused.

Sirius shook his head and muttered something under his breath before turning back to face Petey. 'Because we were both too afraid, Pete.'

'Afraid of what?' Petey said confused. He was curious as well as to who it was Sirius had wanted, and his heart constricted at the thought it might have been even James or something.

Sirius sighed and it was the most heartfelt sigh Petey had probably ever heard come from this hardened man. 'Afraid of being hurt, of being rejected by the ones we did love. Of what would happen if we allowed ourselves to be loved back in return I guess. It was dark times remember, Petey, anything could have happened to any of us. Oh gods, look at what happened to James...to Lily and Harry...I loved them like family, they were my only family far as I was concerned...and I couldn't protect them! I couldn't protect them, Pete!' he said in a tortured voice.

'Oh, Siri...Siri it's not your fault what happened to them. You can't keep blaming yourself for that, it's killing you..' Petey said softly.

'I could have stopped them, I could have done something, Pete. I just let him go, I just let him waltz over to the dark side and I did nothing to stop him! Oh gods, what kind of person am I that I would let my best friends turn to such a life! First James joined Voldemort....then you and Remus joined Malfoy. I hate myself...I don't deserve to live...' he sobbed now.

'Padfoot, oh Paddy that's not true! You couldn't have stopped Jamie from going, none of us could. He was angry when the Auror's did nothing to stop his parents death. He wanted revenge in any way possible. He came back to us though...remember? At the end he came back...he was good again...' Petey said softly, and put his hand daringly on Sirius's face to wipe away his tears.

'Not until he'd already killed and tortured any Auror he came across. Fifteen Auror's died at his hands, Pete...one of them was my partner for fucks sake! Frank...gods...he didn't deserve to die, he'd just had a newborn, Neville I think his name was, just like Jamie had just had Harry. And Jamie killed him....he made me watch the whole thing did you know that? First he tortured him, then he fed him poisonous potions...then used the Cruciatius on him over and over until Frank was bleeding out of his goddamn ears. Finally I begged Jamie, pleaded with him to end it and before my eyes he did....he used the Avada Kedavra on Frank. And I could only sit there in the magic ropes he had me in and pray my own death would be quicker.' he sobbed again.

'He didn't kill you though...he didn't. You're alive, you're safe now, and Jamie realised what he had been doing all that time...' Petey said.

'No, he couldn't kill me, he was going to...he had his wand on my forehead, ready to cast, but something stopped him and he walked away. I was found two days later, starved, cold and half dead remember? He would have killed me though...I could see it in his eyes...they weren't Jamie's eyes, Pete...I would swear it, I remember now...I remember seeing a flicker of something in his eyes as he walked away...he was fighting to not kill me,' Sirius said painfully.

Petey was surprised at that and said in a thoughtful voice, 'Do...do you think it wasn't Jamie? That he was under the Imperius or something?'

Sirius sighed. 'I don't know, but it wasn't Jamie. I could have wrong been wrong at that point...I really don't know, I was too sickened, angry and afraid. All I remember is he couldn't kill me, and a month later Albus Dumbledore owled me and said Jamie had turned himself in, that he made a full statement and was prepared to go to Azkaban for his crimes.'

'He didn't though, Albus convinced Fudge not to send him there, I remember that,' Petey said with a shiver at those days long past. 'Jamie turned spy in the end.'

'Yeah, and got himself and Lily and Harry killed for it. I still don't know who ratted him out but I swear, whoever it was, they will pay one day. I will see to it personally,' Sirius said thickly. 'I forgave him you know, I did forgive him for what he'd done because I had too. I couldn't believe it was really Jamie who was doing it all. If it hadn't been for Remy though during those dark times, I would have lost all sanity. Remus was my only salvation, he made me forget even if it was only for a few hours in bed, and gods did I need it,' Sirius said sadly.

'I wish I could have helped, Siri, I wish I had known how bad it was for you. I was so caught up in my own pathetic attempts of living life that I didn't realize what was going on.' Petey sighed angrily.

'Don't blame yourself for that, Pete, I don't blame you anyway. You had to do what you were doing, I knew that. When your parents died they left you with nothing, and I knew you wouldn't accept any help from me. I have a fortune buried under Gringott's, and I knew you of all people wouldn't touch a Knut of it. I wanted to help you so badly though, I really did. I'd see you in that Counting house, shivering in the winter, eyes nearly crossed at the poor lighting and stuffy room,' Sirius said slowly, turning his gaze away from Petey now.

Petey blinked in surprise and sat back, letting that all sink in. 'Y-you...you were watching me? Why?' he asked in shock.

Sirius mumbled something then sat back up and put his hands on Petey's shoulders, looking him in the eye. 'I told you before that Remus and I only bedded each other because we both were afraid. In my case....it was...you...I was afraid of, Petey,' he said quietly.

Petey stared back at Sirius uncomprehending what he meant. Blinking again in surprise he said, 'Sirius?'

Sirius lowered his gaze though he didn't take his hands from Petey's shoulders and said in a soft voice, 'Simple, Pete, I have been in love with you since I was fifteen years old. The more time passed though, the darker times got...I couldn't bare to think what would happen if I let myself admit I loved you to your face. I couldn't lose you, and when we left Hogwarts and I lost Jamie, I knew I definitely couldn't risk loving or losing you too. I am a coward, Wormtail, a sap even. The only reason I even joined Lucius in the end was because I wanted to keep close to you, but I had to pretend to make it so difficult so you wouldn't suspect anything. If I had given in so easily...'

'I still would have loved you too, Sirius,' Pete said, his heart soaring, and before Sirius could say another word he leaned over and kissed him on the lips. For the first time in his life he had finally felt like a Gryffindor.

Sirius was surprised at Petey's actions, but this is what he had wanted, dreamed of for so long he wasn't even sure it was real. He wondered if somehow he wasn't back at the Jazz Band Club still bent, and this was a product of one too many drinks after all. The sweet taste of Petey's lips on his, the warmth of his tongue invading his mouth however was too much, and with a groan he gave in to him.

Sirius was obviously the more experienced of the two, but Petey instinctively seemed to know what to do. It didn't matter any more that Petey had bedded Remus, he was Sirius's now and forever, and they silently both vowed never to let each other go again. They both knew the past was now the past, that it was time to start building the future, and together somehow, they would do just that.

The never heard the footsteps outside their door, they didn't know that Jimmy had returned to his rooms. All they cared about was their passion, and for the first time in Sirius's life he had made love, not just had sex. He and Petey brought each other to places neither of them had ever touched, and they both knew the reason for that. It was love, pure and simplistic, love for each other. There was no hurrying, no reason to, for they had all the time in the world. In both men's minds they gave silent and thankful prayers even for what this Christmas Eve had brought them both.

It would take time but Sirius would eventually no longer feel the torment of the ghosts of the past. Petey would be content in knowing that even though they had their roles to play right now, this was the way it should have been, and would always be. Sirius was gentle with Petey, and Petey responded to that like a flower opening from a bud. It would be well into the night before either man would allow the other to rest, and when they did it was in each others sweaty arms, tightly snug and warm under the duvet. Their passion spent for the moment, only their dreams were left, and it was dreams of happiness and security. And the hope that one day they could finally be free from what they were.

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Only one word of interest in the chap I'm afraid:

dead soldiers - beer bottles