An Experiment Gone Wrong

~~~~~~~~An Experiment Gone Wrong~~~~~~~

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Severus woke in a cold sweat, his body shaking from an unremembered yet familiar dream, or perhaps an nightmare. The Dreamless Sleeping Potions he took on a regular basis these days didn't even help him anymore. The dreams and the nightmares would still come, and even though he had personally altered the potion to be stronger then normal, they still had the ability to cause him to waken like this. Confused, afraid....and barely at the edge of sanity.

With a slight groan Severus shook his head, emptying out the last shreds of the grogginess that always accompanied the potion. No matter how hard he tried, he could never remember either the dreams or the nightmares, most time he didn't even want to. He realized he wasn't going to be getting anymore sleep that night, so he went over and lit a few more candles, throwing the room into a soft dull glow.

His internal clock told him it was just before sunrise, and before he knew it he found himself dressing unconsciously, and threw over his shoulders a dark woolen robe that he used when he wished to slip away unnoticed. He didn't have to guess why he was doing this, or where his feet would automatically lead him. He already knew.

Ten minutes later he found himself outside the castle, the reddish orange glow of the soon to be rising sun already peeking over the horizon, the moon already a fading pale orb against the last few remaining stars. He stopped at a familiar spot, one in which every month without fail he found himself, one in which the cruel hands of destiny seemed fit to bring him to.

For a moment he stood there at this place, allowing the scents of the morning to filter through his senses. A fresh snowfall last night had made this place seem not just magical, but almost sacred. The silent trees were glittering like diamonds with the newly formed icicles, and the ground was soft and yielding to his footsteps. His hearing was tuned to the forest round him, and the waking of creatures both light and dark residing in it only added to the beauty and mystery of this place.

It was a strange place for him, full of both good and bad memories, yet he could never stay away. A few years ago he'd tried to, and for very good reasons he had desperately wanted to stay away. He couldn't though, making sure however that he would always return to his rooms before anyone would know he was ever there. It had to be that way, for Severus Snape wasn't entitled any longer to be here, at least in his own mind he wasn't.

Scowling now at the warmth that shone down on him by the newly risen sun, he gave one last gaze towards the main object of his torn, twisted and battered emotions. With a sigh he knew he'd be back here again, he couldn't help it. It was the only reminder he had of a life he no longer led, a life in which it was too late to turn back to. A remind of all he had lost, even if that loss was his own doing.

Walking back to the castle he prepared himself for the coming day. He went over to his desk and picked up his list of things to do for the day, making sure that all was in order. Satisfied that it was, he returned to his private room, debating what he should do next. There was a good 45 minutes before breakfast would be served in the Great Hall, so he did the only thing he could think of now, which was to warm up within the flowing waters of a nice hot shower. Undressing himself and grabbing up a towel he headed out towards the bathroom, too much on his mind still for such a morning.

It wasn't until he was halfway to the shower that he realized exactly what he had been wearing when he had gone outside. He turned round and walked back to where he had put down the clothes on the bed, and picked them back up, holding them gently in his hands. Why his subconscious had deliberately chosen this item of clothing he didn't know. Fact was he didn't even know he still owned this piece of clothing anymore, so it was very much a surprise for him to see it now.

Shaking his head of unwanted thoughts he threw back down the clothing onto the bed, resolving himself to get rid of it as soon as he could. He turned on his heel and headed back towards the bathroom, burying his wandering thoughts as far back into his mind as possible. He drowned his thoughts, sorrows, angers and memories under the water, wishing for the thousandth time that it was himself he was burying, instead of the emotions.

When he got to breakfast he had forgotten that today was the start of Yule hols. The traditional 4 house tables had been moved and replaced by only 1 table for those few who had stayed behind. Taking his customary seat at the end of the long staff table, he nodded slightly to Albus and sat down wearily. When the food arrived he found he could only pick at, so instead he wandered his gaze over the students who had stayed behind, and found more then a few surprises.

Harry Potter of course had stayed, that was a given. He never left the school during Yule hols, those muggle relatives of his forbade it. What did surprise him was that he was the only 6th year Gryffindor who had stayed in this year. Not even that know-it-all Granger or that shadow Weasley had stayed with him. From what he gathered, only 5 other Gryffindors ranging from 1st to 3rd years had also stayed. Again highly unusual as last year almost 20 of that house had stayed behind.

Of the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs, only 15 had stayed. 8 Ravenclaws, 7 Hufflepuffs. They were a bit varied from 1st to 7th years, however with those two houses, that wasn't uncommon at all. From what Severus could tell, 7 of the 8 Ravenclaws actually were 6th and 7th years, probably staying behind to study for the O.W.L.S. and N.E.W.T.S.

The only other object of main interest was that not a single Slytherin had stayed for Yule holidays. Well, that is, none save one. Severus had to look and look again at the single Slytherin of his house that had stayed, and for the life of him couldn't understand why this particular person had decided not to go home. From what he remembered, Draco Malfoy never stayed over the holidays. Even that however, wasn't what made Severus stop and actually stare for a moment at Draco.

Watching him he realized that something in Draco's demeanor wasn't right. For a moment Severus muttered an oath to himself, he'd been so caught up in his own problems the past few weeks that he'd paid little attention to Lucius's son. Not that he really cared to if he was honest, despite everything he had never grown warm really towards the boy, the only reason he attempted civility with him was because he was Lucius's son. And in his line of work, you didn't antagonize the children of those you were keeping an eye on, not if you wanted to live.

A slight tingling of his fine tuned instincts made him realize he himself now was being stared at, and scanning the single table below finally came to the realization it wasn't coming from there. Turning his gaze to the staff table now he saw it was none other than Albus looking at him, and with a slight nod of his head he was quietly letting Severus know he needed to speak with him after breakfast. Severus nodded back as well, telling him he understood, and focusing his thoughts elsewhere, he went back to picking at his food.

He wasn't hungry as he thought he would be. Something inside of him just didn't feel much like food, yet he was hungry, but it wouldn't be food that would appease him. With a grimace he put his fork down and without a word got up and left the table, to the surprise of everyone nearly in the room. Everyone of course but Albus who watched him leave, a tinge of regret in his eyes.

In the outer corridor Severus found himself subconsciously walking, and wasn't really surprised when a few moments later found himself outside a certain classroom that was no longer in use. This was the first year this classroom wasn't being used, not for lack of wanting to use it however. But after all these years there wasn't anyone left who was willing to take up residence in this classroom, or more importantly, in the position that it used to hold.

Leaning against the doorframe he let his mind wander back for a moment, when it had been filled with small glass cages, strange creatures and smells. He closed his eyes a moment, remembering a time not that long ago....a time in which he had had a chance to change things. To correct mistakes made, to maybe even start over. But too many years of pain and agony tore into him, and too many years of regrets and guilts yet again took a piece of what was left of his soul. Another piece of fodder to feed to the dark, to the loneliness, and to the torment of his life.

"I'm worried about you Severus," a soft voice said at his elbow, causing him to jump and turn round instantly.

When he saw who it was he sighed, then gave a small scowl. "I'm not a child anymore Albus. There's nothing you need to worry about with me. At my age, there's little left to worry about anyway," Severus said in a condescending manner.

"Perhaps not, however that doesn't mean I won't," Albus said thoughtfully and stood looking into the classroom. "It's a shame we couldn't find anyone to teach this. It's something the children should be learning."

"I could have done it, you know that," Severus said sulkily now.

Albus shook his head and gave a small chuckle. "As if you would ever give up your dungeons, or your potions Severus. The children may think you want that, but you and I know better. Besides, you have a commitment to that particular position, made before you ever became our esteemed professor. Or am I wrong?" he said turning back to face Severus with a smile.

Severus stared back at Albus with a dark glare for a moment before another sigh escaped him. He turned to look into the classroom for a moment then said, "Sometimes....I hate it when you're right Albus."

Albus chuckled. "Compliments are hard to come by lately with you Severus, so I'll accept that for what it is. Come to my office will you? We need to talk," he said and headed back down the corridor.

Severus looked back at the empty classroom one last time before, a look of wistful defeat in his eyes as he did so. Why he tormented himself to come here now that it was emptied he didn't know, or maybe he did and couldn't bear to admit it. Something however in his eye as he turned away would have caused any of his students to turn tail and run at that moment, not in fear but in complete shock. For at that moment a single tear slide down his cheek, memories cascading in his mind as if they were yesterday. And he knew that the pain, the agony of it all...would never go away.

It was a somber Severus Snape that was sitting now in Albus Dumbledore's office. As he looked round the room a moment he could see Fawkes getting ready for burning day, and his mind registered just how apropos that actually was right at this moment. Burning day or a death day was special to a phoenix, and for a brief moment Severus wished he could be like that. The end of an old life, and the start of a new one, that chance to redeem yourself and start over without the fears, without the guilts.

Albus could see his friend suffering, and it bothered him. He didn't know what to do for him anymore, he had tried everything short of physically forcing him to leave the school over the years. Severus wouldn't have anything to do with it though, and unless he was summoned for a meeting with Voldemort, he never left the castle now. Even when he needed supplies he came to Albus with the list, having his people procure them for him, refusing to go anywhere.

He still had as much faith in Severus's abilities as ever though, that much he couldn't deny. Severus had become fanatic over the past two years in the role he was forced to play yet again. He knew when he'd asked Severus to do this 2 years ago, to do what needed to be done that he could count on him. And so far Albus had been well rewarded, but at much cost to them all.

It had been a long 2 years battle, Albus knew that. Cedric Diggory's death had been only the first, and since that day no less than 5 more students had been killed. 2 Gryffindor's, 1 Ravenclaw and 2 Hufflepuffs. Granted it was being in the wrong place at the wrong times, but killed none the less. And what hurt Albus more was that Harry Potter felt it was all his fault.

Albus knew Harry had changed much over the years. He had been such an innocent child, thrown into a life he should never have had. The deaths of James and Lily Potter had stunned the wizarding world 15 years ago, and the 'disappearance' of baby Harry even more so. Only a few select people knew where Harry had really been sent off to, that being himself, Minerva McGonagall, Rubeus Hagrid, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black....and Severus Snape.

It had been Severus who had finally figured out back then that there was a spy amongst the little group known as the Marauders. It had been his information that had warned Albus that moves were being made towards the Potters, but sadly all of it was for nothing. James and Lily died anyway, and the spy turned out to be non other then Sirius Black. He had been caught in the street, laughing like a maniac after killing not only 12 muggles, but Peter Pettigrew in the process.

For years Severus blamed himself for not knowing sooner that Black was the spy, and he carried that guilt with him so badly it caused him to drive away everyone and everything. Even those he cared for no longer understood him, even the one person he needed most he drove away. And in doing that, his life became a living, breathing hell. Even when Severus found out Sirius had been innocent, it did nothing to alleviate what he had sunk himself into.

Albus had hoped that 3 years ago things would have been different what a certain person came back here to Hogwarts. But sadly Severus was too far gone at that point. Whatever was left of the Severus Snape who could feel, care for, love and understand had died. Only a shell remained, a shell that went about it's daily routine and little else. And now it was at the point where Albus could no longer deal with it, it had to end.

Albus picked up a post letter he'd received by owl that morning, and it weighed heavily on his mind. It had pained him greatly when he'd read the letter, but it just might be the one thing that might help break Severus out of what he was doing to himself. Albus knew that deep down Severus still had the emotions, he was human after all, but Albus knew that unless there was intervention, Severus wasn't even the one who could tear down the carefully erected walls that he'd built up.

"Albus, are you going to just sit there and stare at me, or tell me what you wanted of me. You were the one who asked me here, not the other way round if you remember," Severus finally said breaking the silence that had been prevalent in the room since he'd entered.

Albus sighed and nodded to him. "Very well Severus, I will tell you. I received a post owl this morning, and though I at first did not want to inform you of this...I think you do have the right to know."

Severus looked at him puzzled now. "A post? You called me here...for a post? And why would I be interested in your posts Albus?" he said.

Albus eyed Severus wearily for a moment, then held out the aforementioned post. "Perhaps you should see for yourself why Severus."

Severus suddenly got a bad feeling bout the letter Albus was holding out. He looked at Albus for a moment carefully, registering the lack of his usual twinkle in his eyes, and hearing the slight tone of concern in his voice. No, not even concern, but something else...something he couldn't place. Hesitantly he took the letter, and read it.

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I hope this finds you well, though what I have to tell you might change those circumstances.

As you know we have both been doing as you asked of us, not just lying low as it were, but also making the attempts of what you and The Order asked of the two of us 3 years ago. It has taken a long time, but I feel we have had a lot of success so far, at least that is the only good thing.

I need to tell you though that recently something happened, something unexpected. Last night in a village called Bergi in Latvia we were investigating some dark creature sightings, specifically of course...werewolves. Remus waited until nightfall, choosing to transform first since it was a full moon, and then going to seek out the pack on his own. Though I was against it, he thought it was the best way.

Unfortunately my instincts were right Albus. He didn't return this morning as planned so I got concerned and went to look for him. What I found sent me into shock. They attacked him Albus....badly at that. I was able to manage to stem the blood flow from the wounds, but....but I don't know what more I can do. I was never a healer, that was always Remus's job when we got into scrapes...and frankly...I'm worried he's going to die.

He's lost a lot of blood, he was like that for hours before I finally found him in the forest. I assume the 'wilds' attacked him either A. Because they're already on the side of Voldemort, or B. Because they have lived so long as they are that they fear and abhor the 'tamed ones' and want nothing to do with them or our cause. Of course I don't know for sure...and if something isn't done I may never know.

By Merlin Albus help us please! I'm so afraid of losing him...not now...please send a mediwitch or wizard to us as soon as you can...if it's not already too late by the time you get this. I put a speed spell on the owl to get this to you quickly, but it was all I could do. Even here in a remote village I cannot be seen, and I'm being forced to hide us both in a old abandoned barn just on the outskirts of town.

Please...I'm begging you Albus...help me...help Remy!

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Severus closed his eyes, the words and the tear stains that littered the parchment floating before his eyes. Swallowing hard and in an unsteady voice he said, "What...what...have you...arraigned?"

Albus looked at Severus for a moment, wondering just how much of the reality of the situation Severus was understanding. "Poppy is preparing herself now. She will floo from Hogsmeade to Riga, and Apparate to the village from there. Providing of course she can find them in time," he said softly, the implications thick in the air.

A shiver went down Severus's spine though the room was quite warm considering it was winter. Opening his eyes he focused his cold black gaze onto Albus and said in a whisper, "You know if he dies....I will too Albus...."

Albus nodded his head slowly. "Yes Severus, I am aware of that. Which is why I thought...that you should be aware of the situation. Poppy will do her best of course, but the situation does sound quite grim I'm afraid. There is every chance Remus will die Severus, you have to be prepared for that now."

"No! Don't you dare Albus....don't you even dare say that! He's not dead....he's not going to die!" Severus said jumping up now from the chair and standing at the desk.

"Severus calm down. You know if you get upset right now and the emotions are strong enough it could hurt the situation more. If Remus feels anger from you now....it very well could kill him. He knew the risks Severus, he was prepared to take them....for all of us. For The Order, for the entire wizarding world...." Albus said softly.

"Damn you Albus, damn you to hell! Fuck The Order and the entire wizarding world! I'm tired of all of it Albus! Tired of losing people I care about. Tired of hearing promises that are never kept. Tired of hearing 'it's for the better good'. To hell with the risks and for the better good. When is it going to be my turn...my better good? To get my life back?" Severus said enraged, his eyes blazing with fury.

"Severus please....you must not..." Albus began but Severus cut him off with a glare.

"No, no more pleases, no more! For years I have heard all of this, and for what? To satisfy you? To believe in causes I no longer believe in? I don't think so Albus...not anymore! And you can tell Poppy she is not going to Latvia, I am! If I'm not back before holidays are over Albus, find yourself another professor to teach potions!" he said angrily and without another word, he sped out the door slamming it behind him before Albus could even answer.

Albus stared at the closed door a moment with an odd look on his face. He had expected Severus to react to the post, he'd have been a fool to think he wouldn't, just not in the way he had. Fear perhaps yes, anguish maybe even. But the burning rage...the refusal to let go....and the sadness he could feel that was unspoken at all the years of deep rooted denials and despairs....that he really hadn't expected to surface.

He knew it had been difficult for Severus 3 years ago when he was suddenly thrown together again with the man he hadn't seen in 12 years prior. The fact that whatever had happened between them 12 years in the past had kept them from one another during that school term had been a difficult burden for Albus to bear. He had secretly hoped that whatever had transpired between the two of them would have resolved 3 years ago, but to his dismay in the end, it had only gotten worse.

With a deep sigh Albus stood up and gazed for a moment unseeing out his window. He heard Fawkes trilling questioningly behind him, and he listened to the phoenix for a moment. "You're right Fawkes, but then you always are. I suppose I should go inform Poppy she won't be needed, but I wonder if this is the right thing to do...." he mused.

Another questioning trill from Fawkes made him silent again for a few moments, pondering on the scene he'd just witnessed. As the words came floating back to him he realized the exact words Severus had used in his tirade. That just perhaps there was hope yet....slim maybe...but enough that Albus felt a bit lighter than he had earlier.

"He hasn't stopped his emotions then, I see now. He's fought so long and hard to deny them, to forget them....but he hasn't. Not really. I'm sure things are not quite as bad as they seem Fawkes. After all, if Remus was truly in that much danger, Severus would have known it sooner I think, despite everything. Perhaps what I could not do 3 years ago....they will finally do on their own. Yes, he will be back Fawkes, I have no doubts on that..." Albus said softly and watched as the last feather fell from his beloved phoenix, and moments later there was nothing more of him but ashes.

As Albus gazed fondly on that pile of ashes he also thought how prophetic it was. The burning day is a sacred day for the phoenix, it's a time of not only death, but rebirth. To rise again renewed and reawakened, stronger and prouder then before. And just as Fawkes was rebirthing himself, so indeed were two lost souls. Connected in a way that even they had never fully understood. Now they too would soon face a renewal of life, and hopefully as Fawkes was about to do, they would rise from their own ashes....and once again find the happiness they so desperately deserved.

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