An Experiment Gone Wrong

Nine hours, 28 minutes, 6 seconds. That's how long Remus J. Lupin had been gone from Hogwarts, at least by Severus's internal clock. He'd always been like that though, able to pinpoint time right to the second, something very handy he'd found during potion making since it required such precise timing. A few seconds could make or break a potion, although at this moment it was more a curse then a blessing.

He had declined going to the Great Hall for dinner, claiming research to the Headmaster instead. He couldn't bear the thought of going in there and listening to the friendly chatter at the moment, not in the mood he was in. His anger was long gone, but that anger had left behind something else. Something unfulfilled. Feelings he was having a hard time admitting to.

*What is happening to me? Why am I feeling so alone...so empty?* his thoughts cut into him as he sat in his chair gazing deep into the fire in the rooms he'd previously been sharing. The room felt as empty as he felt, cold despite the warmth of the fire. Even though it was midsummer, the dungeons always required the fire to be lit, the summer heat never did manage to filter it's way down past the cold grey stones into the lowest point of the castle.

*You know why Severus...don't think you don't...you just don't want to admit it is all. You're still so stuck on your prides and shuttered up emotions you can't see the forest through the trees...*

With a sigh Severus realized it was that nosy subconscious of his. The one thing that had kept him from losing what little sanity he had left these past years. That it had kept him somewhat whole, and from descending down into the true depths of what he had to become in order to survive he appreciated. But still it was far too nosy. *Those so called 'prides' and 'emotions' would serve my death you realize.*

*Which you think you would welcome gladly wouldn't you Severus Snape if it wasn't that I know you so well. Oh don't give me that, I know you really don't care to pop off anytime soon. You're too damn stubborn to want that anyway...but would it really hurt to let them exist from time to time?* his subconscious argued back.

*For what purpose? To be mocked and scorned? I already know what my students think of me...what pretty much everyone thinks of me by now...'Severus Snape, greasy haired git..' or how bout 'Severus Snape the know it all'...or to top it off...'Severus Snape the evilist git in the whole bloody school...'...lovely eh?* he thought back in a cross between mocking himself and sadness.

*Self depreciating today are we Severus? Well well well...seems the loss of your test subject has gotten you more riled then you thought...* his inner voice mocked at him.

*Just shut up you...Remus left so what. If he's not back I'll find another...* Severus said back bitterly.

*Tsk tsk, Remus is it? Not Lupin or just 'the wolf'? My my you are progressing Severus...just come off that bloody high horse you don't even belong on and admit it...you really do care for him don't you,* his inner voice said matter-of-factly. Not a question, just a statement.

Severus growled under his breath. *So what if I do? It won't change anything...obviously he ran off to be with Black the moment he was summoned to him. He doesn't care for me, never will. He's a Gryffindor, I'm a Slytherin. Water and oil don't mix you do realize.*

*Hah! So there is some caring left in you after all! And Slytherin only by default Severus Snape. Don't you forget where you come from...*

*Don't you dare! I know perfectly well where I come from, I don't need a reminder of that. Now shove off, I've got work to do...* Severus said with a grumble and stood up shaking his head to clear out his thoughts.

*Mark my words Severus Snape, you will fall...and fall hard...and I'll be there waiting...* his inner voice said with a parting shot and was silent.

"Good riddance to bad rubbish." Severus said under his breath finally. He truly did hate his inner voice sometimes, especially because he knew it was always right. The outside clock chimed the hour at 9 PM and he realized he had missed quite a bit of work now even skipping dinner. With a sigh he began to head out to the Potions classroom, however something in the classroom when he did get there stopped him short.

Someone was standing at the cauldron he had set up for the use of making the wolfsbane potion, gazing down at it in deep thought. At first Severus was sure he was seeing things, this person couldn't be standing there. Crossing the room quietly the person standing on the other side didn't even seem to hear him, so right as he got to his desk he stood there for a moment watching the other person.

Finally his curiosity got the better of him, and he had to know. Crossing the room till he was almost directly behind the person he said softly, "You're back." Not a question, just fact.

Remus nodded, though he didn't turn round yet. "Yes," he said back equally as soft.

"Why?" *If Black hurt you....I'll kill him...*

Remus slumped his shoulders and sighed. "I...don't want to talk...about it," he said reflectively though his voice held too much sadness for Severus to ignore.

"Do...do you want a drink?" Severus asked.

Remus seemed to pause at that, as if weighing it in his mind. A small shiver came across him, visible enough for even Severus to notice. "No...thank you," he said.

"Have you eaten? I can call up for some food..." Severus said still a bit unsure of what was going on.

Remus shook his head and finally turned round. "No I'm not hungry. Thank you though for asking," he said in flat voice. "I think I'll just get some rest so we can start work on the potion early tomorrow. Is that alright?"

*He's asking me if it's alright? As if I would I would say...no? Is this how Black used to treat him? He had to ask for something as simple as to sleep?* Severus's mind thought briefly. "Er..sure...go...go ahead. I"m just going to ah, work on a few things for a while out here," he said back slowly.

Remus seemed relieved that Severus said it was alright, and nodded. "Thank you," was all he said and walked towards the private rooms his case clutched tightly in his hand.

As Severus watched him go and the door shut behind him, he had a million questions and no answers. All he did know what that Remus was back, much earlier then he said he was going to be, and looking worse for the wear. *Damn you Black...what did you do to him? What did you say to make him act like this?* his mind raged out. Obviously something had happened this afternoon to cause Remus to act this way, something major from the looks of it, but short of flat out asking which he wasn't bout to do, he might never know.

Facing that fact, and trying to calm a growing temper towards Sirius Black, he concentrated now on the task at hand. Pulling out the sheet with the list of ingredients, he went over each one carefully. He still hadn't found what had caused the last batch not to work, and it was beginning to irk him slightly.

Two hours later he still had no answers, so he decided to give up for the night. Rubbing his eyes half sleep-filled eyes he stood up with a stretch and headed into his private rooms. He saw a case by the door and with a startled expression realized he had forgotten that Remus had returned, though how he could have forgotten something as important as that eluded him.

He got himself undressed and into the blue silk pyjama's that had been a Yule gift from McGonagall several years ago (to his utmost embarrassment of course, though she and the rest of the staff thought it was quite a lovely gift). Not that he would ever admit it to anyone, but he actually liked the silky pyjamas, even if they were blue. Everyone always assumed that he dressed in black cause it was his favourite colour (which it was), but really it was more for the effects than anything else.

He knew that if anyone had ever looked in his wardrobe they'd be quite surprised at the variety of styles of clothes he had hidden away. Besides his blue pyjamas, Severus owned quite a few Muggle outfits for when he had made his trips abroad. Made up of many colours too: blues, reds, silvers, greys, even some purples and god help him, pinks. When in Rome, do as the Roman's do he was told once, and his clothing fit that to a t.

He actually had made a few friends in the Muggle world during his research trips, and sometimes he didn't always 'research'. When he was in the Muggle world he felt so much freer of the restrictions place on him as professor, potions master and Death Eater. Perhaps that's why right from the start 6 years ago he sought out those who could show him something much more then he always had know.

While in the Muggle world his manner of dress hadn't been the only 'change' that he effected. Using certain potions and spells he altered his appearance as well, otherwise he would have had more then a hard time doing his research. Of course he never used his real name either, that wouldn't do in his position. Never know when you might run into another witch or wizard in some of the places he went, and secrecy in his life had become a mantra.

He knew his coworkers had noticed his demeanor every time he returned from his trips, and thankfully they let it pass. It was a combination of a lot of things that would cause him to act that way right after a trip. Disappointments at the lack of findings sometimes, the fact that it was taking longer then he planned on to finish his research, and not that he'd ever admit it, too much fun during his trips.

And they had been fun to a great degree. When he had first met Stephan in Paris 6 years ago it was hard to imagine two such different people. Stephan was carefree, wild, untamed. A love for life that was insatiable and he infected everyone close to him with that same attitude. And he was as flamingly gay as a man could get, which is partly what drew Severus to him.

It was at a stage of his life that he wasn't sure what he wanted or who he was. Thrown into the position of teacher and head of a house at such a young age, never even going home during that summer between when he'd graduated and when he began teaching had left him with a sense of insecurity. Not that he minded not going home actually, his father would have just mocked him for becoming 'soft', but he had missed his mother. If anyone knew the truth about his family, and thankfully even Lucius had never questioned him on that issue, they would have been in for quite the surprise.

Meeting up with Stephen right at the point he had however had been a changing point for him. It had been Yule when he had made the trip to Paris, and sitting in a small Muggle cafe off the Rue De Rivoli he had his run in with Stephan De'Velart. He was the son of a very rich Marques, and older then Severus by at least 10 years. As soon as he spotted Severus sitting by himself he walked up to him, and in an almost regal manner said to him, "Pray tell me how it is when mere mortals are graced by the gods with such beauty, we find one such god so shamefully alone?" That was all Severus needed.

For the rest of his trip research became abandoned as he blindly followed Stephan throughout Paris. Severus felt shy, insecure round this man, but he soon become the butterfly rather then the caterpillar. He would sit for hours sipping at Cafe Au Lait in tiny smoke filled cafes discussing the masters of the times. Art, music, literature, nothing escaped Stephan's eye. It was like being transported back hundreds of years ago in which the great men of the days would sit in these same cafes drinking, smoking and talking on the same issues. And Severus loved every moment of it.

Over the years no matter what he returned to Paris, and to Stephan. Though he continued his research throughout the world, he made sure to always save at least a week for his time in Paris during Yule, and at least 2 weeks during summers. It was under Stephan's careful administrations that Severus was soon lured into the true meaning of what Paris could offer. Places he could never dream about became opened to him, elite groups of people became his friends.

All of the clubs they went to catered to people of Stephan's type of course, and Severus hadn't minded one bit. At first he had been hesitant, never having been with anyone, man or woman, so he hadn't the opportunity that most had. Parisians are a hot-blooded people he soon found out however, they took their lovemaking as seriously as their city, and sometimes far more deeper.

Some of the clubs catered to those who enjoyed love making of a particular type, although at first it had seemed a bit sickening to him. Severus declined any interactions of course, but the more he observed, the more he became intrigued. And soon he found himself embroiled in a different subtle art...the art of passion. His nights would be spent in more then one lovers arms, sometimes he never even knew his lovers name, but he learned that he hadn't any need to. They attended to his needs in every way possible, with no strings attached which was all that mattered.

He loved Stephan like a child, unconditionally, and the fact he knew Stephan was paying for the privileges he had didn't make any difference. The fact that Stephan was always his first lover of the night before anyone else, that it was just the two of them lying side by side naked in each others arms before the rest of the young men would join them, was sacred to Severus. Stephan never would say he loved Severus, and Severus knew he didn't. It was more of a trust, a deep felt feeling of security the older man gave him, and he knew he felt the same towards Stephan. Love had no place in Severus Snape's life. Not then anyway.

Which brought his mind back to the present, and the man who was sleeping in his bed now. He risked walking over to the bed and gazed down at the man lying there. Even in his sleep he looked haunted, tired, and for all the world Severus wished he could smooth that away.

He tenderly reached down and pushed aside a lock of grey hair from Remus's face, noticing that the other man seemed to shiver at his light touch. Something within him stirred as he watched him, and he now knew why he had felt so alone and empty earlier. Because this man hadn't been there. Emotions began to fill him, and he stood there lost among them, trying to make sense of it all.

Lust.. no...he had his share of those feelings in Paris all these years. Lust wasn't even a word he could use when he gazed at Remus J. Lupin. As far as he was concerned if he never had the pleasures of Remus Lupins body, he still would want him.

Fear...no....that wasn't it, for he didn't fear him at all now. That night in the forest last month had dispelled any and all fears he had had since the not so innocent trick played on him all those years ago.

Anger...yes...but not towards him...not really. Anger at what Remus had allowed to have done to him. Anger towards the way he had been treated, at how he had led his life till now. Anger at how Remus had allowed himself to become embittered and far older then his years. Anger that Remus thought himself nothing more then a monster.

Sadness...yes...a sadness that this man was here in his bed, and he would never be able to do anything about it. He respected Remus for what he was now, seeing past the werewolf, and he would never do anything to him that would endanger the fact that Remus was tolerating his presence. And by Merlin he wouldn't dare to dream that it could ever be more.

More emotions filtered through him and he realized they all settled on one specific one. One that was growing so powerful he wondered just how long he could ignore it, but he had little choice. To admit to the emotion was throwing aside all the things he worked so hard over his life to accomplish, and putting himself in far to vulnerable a position. *But if I could Remus...I would...gladly....for you I would do anything....*

So lost in his thoughts he hadn't even noticed that Remus had woken up and was looking at him through half opened eyes. He had woken actually when Severus had brushed aside his lock of hair, but seeing the expressions flowing over his face he dared not say anything. It pained him that Severus was struggling with himself like this, and that he was possibly, or even probably the cause.

The touch he had felt from Severus had been what caused him to shiver, the slight brushing of his fingertips had felt almost electric on his skin. Remus had never felt that, not even with Sirius, and it made him wonder. Sirius had been a good lover, tender at times, sometimes not. Whatever mood he had been in always seemed to come out during their lovemaking, and Remus could always tell quickly what those moods were.

Images of Sirius flashed by in a matter of moments, and Remus realized that to call what they had done all these years 'lovemaking' wasn't even accurate, not by any means. Even when Sirius was gentle and tender, it was always just 'sex'. A one time per night deal that gave satisfaction and release, but never true emotion. And Remus realized that in all these years he had never once 'made love', because the emotions required for that act never existed.

For once in his young life Remus wanted to know what that would be like. Risking a glance back at Severus from half closed eyelids he observed the man standing over him, but much as he wanted to believe that it could ever be, now wasn't the time. He still had to much to sort through in his life, and too many dreams had fizzled and been burned to the ground today. No...now wasn't right.

He closed his eyes again thankful that Severus hadn't noticed he had been awake and listened as Severus finally walked away. His instincts told him that if he had chosen to respond to Severus, something most likely would have happened this night, and he almost felt a loss that it hadn't. But hadn't Severus made it clear he had no designs towards him, only seeing him as a test subject and nothing more?

As Remus drifted back off to sleep a thought entered his mind that had he been more awake he would have questioned...

*Why was he by the bed in the first place then?*

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