An Experiment Gone Wrong

"Severus..."

Eye's that moments ago had been heated with passion were now showing a myriad of different emotions. Surprise, shock, comprehension...then defeat. With a sound of agony the dark haired man named Sirius Black fled off the bed he had just shared with his lover to the opposite side of the room. He backed against the wall just staring at the man he once knew so well.

Remus however didn't understand what was going on, he was still trying to steady himself from their lovemaking. It had been so good, so right, and something he had missed in 3 long years, and obviously Sirius had missed him just as much. So it was in a dazed though that he wondered what had he done that Sirius was now on the other side of the room.

"S-Sirius?" he said sitting up, trying to steady his voice though his breathing was still a bit heavy.

No response. Sirius only stood there in a daze, his eye's unfocused seeing nothing. *..."Severus..."* The name burned into his mind like a thousand candles. It wasn't even the name that really bothered him, it was the way Remus had said it. In all the years Remus had been his lover, he had never once heard that tone of voice come from him during or after lovemaking.

*..."Severus..." Oh Merlin Remy...why? How could you....?* Sirius's mind repeated over and over.

"Sirius? What's wrong? Talk to me won't you? Padfoot?" Remus said worriedly. The unfocused look that had come over Sirius's face was all too noticeable.

*.."Severus..." Oh Remy...Remy...what have I done? Was this all my fault? If I hadn't gotten so angry with you 3 years ago causing you to leave....Merlin Remy...Remy...tell me it's not true!* Sirius's mind cried out as he slid down the wall to the floor, hugging his knees to his chest.

"Sirius? Sirius what's going on? Talk to me...please?" Remus said half getting out of the bed, but something in Sirius's eyes stopped him so he just watched his lover for a moment.

*..."Severus..." You're so innocent Remus...you don't even know what you've done do you...you don't even know what you said...what you want...* Sirius's mind thought sadly and finally he looked up at Remus.

"Sirius?" Remus said hesitantly as he sat there looking at the lost expression on his lovers face.

*..."Severus..." You don't belong here anymore Remus...you're right...I'm not the one you need...maybe I never was...he is now...even if you don't even know it...*

"Sirius?" Remus said pleadingly.

Sirius shook his head but didn't get up. In a voice barely audible he said, "Go..Remus...go back to Hogwarts..."

Remus was startled. *What's going on? What is he saying?* "I-I don't understand...Sirius? Go back to Hogwarts?"

Sirius closed his eyes, pain flooding his body. *..."Severus.."* "Go Remus...I'm telling you to go..." he said raising his voice a little.

"Why? I thought we..." Remus began but was cut off.

*..."Severus.."* "Just go Remus! Get out of here...you don't belong here anymore...I'm telling you to go!" Sirius said through clenched teeth, and reopened his eyes to focus them on Remus.

Remus didn't know what to do, one minute they were making love like they hadn't been a day apart, and now Sirius was forcing him out? This didn't make sense. "Why Sirius? Tell me why!" Remus said torn between confusion and anger.

*Merlin forgive me for this Remus...but it's all I can do now...you've made you're choice and it wasn't me...this is the only way...I'll always love you Remus...I'll be there when you need me again...when you're ready to forgive me...I swear it to you...* Sirius's mind thought and with an internal sigh of torture he knew what he had do next.

"Because you're right Remus, you're an adult now. I can't tell you where to go or what to do anymore. You were right to leave me 3 years ago, I"m no good for you...I never was. You were my friend, and it never should have been more." Sirius said in a flat tone of voice.

"What? What are you talking about Sirius? What are you saying?" Remus said totally stunned now at what was being said. *Why is he doing this? Does he really mean what he's saying?*

"I'm saying you don't belong here anymore Remus. This isn't your life, I'm not your life. I'm your friend, but I don't want anything more from you. I want you to go." Sirius said standing up and looking at Remus with what he hoped was a look that he meant what he was saying.

"Sirius I thought that...well after this...that maybe..." Remus began but again was cut off.

"You thought wrong Remus. It was fun, but then that's all it ever was between us. A good time, a good snog and shag. That's it," he said making his tone of voice heavier, though inside he was being torn apart.

"Fun? Is...is that all it..ever...was to you?" Remus said slowly, realization dawning on him.

Sirius gave a little snort. "Yes...fun Moony. Sirius Black making another great conquest in taming the wolf," he said half mockingly. *Oh Merlin forgive me Remus...*

"T-taming...." Remus said shaking his head of the thoughts running through them. *That's all I was to him...a notch on his bedpost?* "Then...all this time...we....I..meant nothing to you?" he said slowly.

Sirius laughed though it wasn't a pleasant sounding one. "Sure you did, mate. You were a good time...marauder style. Oh hell, Moony, face it, just wasn't meant to be for us that's all. Too much alike you and me, we'd never have been able to really make a go out of anything meaningful." *Only because you didn't know how much he meant to you till now you stupid git...now when it's too late and you've lost...*

Remus stood up and stared at Sirius as if he'd never really seen him till just this moment. Which in all truth he hadn't. This was a different Sirius Black, one he didn't know and suddenly realized he no longer wanted to know. An anger crept up within him, his thoughts converging into a larger picture, a larger truth.

"You...you used me Sirius. All these years you let me think you cared for me... When you all you really wanted was to keep me chained down and tied to you like a pet. Even when I wasn't with you the last 3 years, you're letters were always filled with words of what you wanted me to do and be...you never cared how hard things were for me..."You know you can't stay away too long from me Remus...", "Don't be foolish Remus you know you can't do that so just give up and come home..." Remus said in a tight voice.

Hearing his words thrown back at him like this tore at Sirius like he'd been hexed, but he knew he had to do this. Still keeping his gaze on Remus he shrugged. "There you have it I guess, you've finally figured it out. I never really thought you'd stay gone 3 years of course considering..." he began but this time Remus cut him off.

"Considering what Sirius? Because I'm a werewolf? Or because you thought I wouldn't be able to survive without you?" Remus spat out roughly. "Merlin you are the most egotistical bastard I know! How I believed you all these years...I almost was ready to come home..." he said eyes blazing in anger now.

*Snape you better be worth what I'm doing...cause if you ever hurt him I swear to the gods I'll rip you limb from limb...* "Well guess you were more foolish then I thought you were Remus. Now if you don't mind I have a man to see bout a motorcycle. I don't expect to see you when I get back," he said abruptly and gathering his clothes up, walked out of the room before Remus could answer.

Remus stood there hands clenched staring after the man who'd just left, anger boiling in his blood. After a few minutes however he heard the front door slam and he finally calmed himself down. Anger was now gone, replaced by sadness. *You're right Sirius...I was foolish. I was foolish enough to think that anyone could ever love me...when I'm nothing more then a freak. Goodbye Sirius...next time we meet perhaps we can be friends again...but not for a very long time...*

Twenty minutes later Remus Lupin was walking through the streets of Diagon Alley, his weathered case in one hand, his mind on one destination, The Leaky Cauldron. He'd arrived in Diagon Alley via a portkey that Albus had set up for him, but he would have to use the Floo network to Hogsmeade to get back. He was so lost in his thoughts that he hadn't even realized he'd taken a wrong turn somewhere, and was now smack dab in the center of the one place he hadn't meant to be - Knockturn Alley.

He stopped in front of a shop that had things in the window of the likes he'd never seen. Even when he'd lived in the flat in Diagon Alley he never once dared cross the thin queue into Knockturn Alley, and for the last 3 years he'd been living in the Muggle world with 'normal' things, or at least things that Muggles would have considered 'normal'.

As he stood and stared through the shop window something deep within him stirred. At school he never had been much of a learner for the dark arts, shying away from it due to the fact he was a creature of the dark trying desperately not to be one. He had run from his dark side so often that he stopped remembering the myriad of nights he'd spent curled up crying at the injustices done to him.

The more he gazed into the shop window though, a part of him was beginning to wonder if all these years he had been wrong to do so. After all, he had so misjudged Sirius and their relationship, maybe he was also misjudging himself? Maybe it was time to stop running...from past, present and future...and be what he was meant to be. A creature of habit. A creature of the dark.

It didn't mean he had to give in to the dark, to totally submit to it..no...he had no intentions of that. But to explore it, to find out what he could do with it...yes...that was more then a possibility. He was free now, no longer restricted by the likes of Sirius Black. No one to tell him what to do, or how to do it. No one to judge him or tell him he was too worthless to know what he was doing. Now it was just himself...Remus J. Lupin, and he wanted...needed...that freedom.

Walking into the darkly lit shop the first thing he noticed were the smells. Strange smells, musty smells. Potions, poisons, herbs and fungi of every dark variety. He noticed that he was being watched carefully but he didn't care. He glanced over the shelves of books in one of the corners, the titles begging to be investigated. One book in particular caught his eye, almost as if it had been placed there just for him..."Werewolves and the Dark Arts - The True Path To Freedom".

"Ya do well wif dat one lad..." a voice hissed at his elbow causing him to jump back.

Looking down he saw the source of the voice, an old wizened witch bout 4 foot tall, greasy black hair down to the floor nearly, blackened fingernails, waxy and pasty skin that probably never saw the light of day. "Ha'f goblin if'n ya must know..." she said gazing up at him through a pair of shrewd, calculating black eyes.

"Err...yes," was all Remus could manage to say, still a bit surprised at this woman...goblin...witch?

"So, ya fin'lly commin' r'und to ya darker side eh? Yes...tamed...perhaps...fer now..." she said with a sickly laugh.

"What makes you think that err..ma'am?" he said startled that this...person...seemed to know exactly what he was thinking. Despite the fact he was in middle of the wizarding world, he had neglected to 'showoff' his 'dog tag'. More because he was still reeling from Sirius's humiliation and how he'd been treated like nothing more then his 'pet'.

"Instinct child...powerful tool in da dark arts...more 'n so fer those awlready on DA side o' DA dark..."

Remus was a bit put off by that however. "I can assure you madam, I am not on the side of the dark..." Belatedly he realized exactly where he was at right at the moment, hence it was a case of the pot calling the cauldron black. Irony at it's best.

The witch gave a sick sounding chuckle. "Yer a werewolf lad...yer awlready ther' ev'n if'n ya don' knows it...go on...ya know ya wan' ta..." she said indicating the book with a long finger that was covered with hair and a yellow toothed grin.

*She's right Remus...you know you want this...you need this...it's time to stop running from what you are...you're not a marauder anymore...they no longer want you....go on Remus...take it...become what you're meant to be...* a voice trickled through his head, and he wasn't sure anymore if it was his own thoughts or truth rearing it's ugly head from deep within his subconscious.

With a shaking hand he took the book off the shelf and held it for a moment, rubbing his hand over the cover. It was warm to his touch, it's cover a strange shade of black and grey that seemed to mesmerize him. He felt almost like it was alive, calling to him, and the more he held it the more he felt at peace, that he would find the answers he so desperately needed within this book.

"How much?" he whispered, not even realizing he had, nor that he never took his gaze off the book.

The witch looked at him carefully, as if weighing a decision in her mind. "I'll make yer a deal lad...I nae goin' TA charge ya fer DA book...only promise me dis...ya nae let it fall inta DA wrong hands..."

Remus tore his gaze away from the book to look back down at the witch. "Wrong hands? What do you mean by that?" he asked puzzled.

Lowering her voice enough so that only Remus could here her she said, "I nae lived o'er 250 ye'rs TA be stupid...da dark arts once held respect...now tis all shunned b'cause o' en heir dat shoul' nae be..."

Remus suddenly understood. Voldemort. He had taken the dark arts to an all new low now that he and his minions were growing in power. The Dark Arts used to mean something far different then it did today, now it was nothing more then just pure evil. People forgot that dark arts had once saved lives, stopped wars, and had been used to protect rather then kill or harm.

"I understand. I promise I won't let that happen," he said with a vow.

Her eyes searched Remus's as if making sure he meant what he said. With a small nod she gave him a yellowed smile. "I trust ya lad, nae many I do. Go...an' when ya need ta...ya com' back. Yes, ya will be back...I'll be here...." she said walking over towards the door to her shop.

"Thank you, I shall," he said walking over to the door as well. Just as he turned round and put his hand on the doorknob however he was stopped.

"Oh...an' one mer thin' Remus J. Lupin...becar'ful what ya wish fer, ya may jus' get it...seek out a master at Hogwarts...yer ken trust 'im..." she said quietly, but before Remus could even turn round in shock at the words she was gone.

Remus opened the door and stepped back out to the alleyway, shaking his head in wonder and blinking his eyes against the bright sunlight. *What did she mean? What is it I wish for...how did she know who I am? And what master is she talking about..at Hogwarts?* He had no answers for his thoughts, if it wasn't for the fact he was holding the book in his hands he wouldn't even have thought that any of what just happened had actually happened.

Realizing that the book was still in his hands however, even in a place like Knockturn Alley it probably wasn't a wise idea to let others see a book on werewolves. Quickly he unzipped his case and put the book gently inside, closing it back up again hopefully before anyone had spotted it. Thankfully no one had, he really didn't need to get into yet another fight on this day.

Walking back towards Diagon Alley and the Leaky Cauldron, he had a lot to keep his mind occupied. The woman had known things he hadn't, making him realize he was now at a crossroads in his life. He could continue on with miserable alcohol filled life in the Muggle world in which he was pretending, or fight the odds and find who he really was, and really wanted from his life.

And as he walked through the brick doorway in the back alley of the Leaky Cauldron he had already made up his mind. He wasn't going to die in the world of Muggles, alone and afraid of what he was. He was going to live in the world of wizards, probably alone but at least as himself. Unafraid of what and who he was, even if it meant living in the shadows, stealing or begging for food or clothing. Even if it meant sleeping in haylofts or barns. He wasn't going to give up. He was going to have his freedom one day, no matter what the cost or consequences.

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