The Hogwarts Advice Column

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Featured Columnist: Draco Malfoy

Education: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Age: Seventeen

Idol: No one

Favourite Colour: Silver

Hobby: Potion brewing, teasing Potter

Comments:

I am a Slytherin. I am blonde. I am intelligent. I am witty. I am good-looking. I am evil. Mwahaha.

Beat that.

Oh, and don't even try to argue with me. You know I'm better than you.

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Dear Draco,

I've always thought you were the cold-hearted type. Now that you've opened this advice column, my view on you has changed. I like boys that try to help. Are you single???

-Hopeless Romantic

Dear Hopeless Romantic,

With a name like that, it's obvious no one could possibly love one of your sort. However, let me make this clear that I, Draco Malfoy did not have a say on this position. Whether I am single or not, depends on who you are, and if I personally accept you as a human being. You make your conclusion.

But with a name like Hopeless Romantic- well, let's just say that's exactly what you are: Hopeless.

Good day,

Draco Malfoy

Dear Draco,

Why on earth does no one like me? I'm not so ugly, I'm very nice, intelligent, but yet everyone just seems to drift away from me. HELP!

-Lonely Lady

Dear Lonely Lady,

It's obvious that no one likes you because you deserve it. You're either: a Mudblood, a Gryffindor, or a friend of Potter's. Or maybe you are ugly. That's better than the before mentioned, isn't it?

Good day,

Draco Malfoy

Dear Draco,

You're so mean and ugly. Inside, I mean. I don't even NEED advice!

So there!

-Advice is For Wimps

Dear Advice is For Wimps,

Is it just me, or do I smell an idiot? Here's some advice for you: look up 'contradictory' in the dictionary.

Good day,

Draco Malfoy

Dear Draco,

My boyfriend cheated on me. He slept with another girl, and that girl told everyone, and the rumour got around to me, and then to get back at him I slept with another boy, who I later found out had a gay relationship with my ex-boyfriend of three months ago! But that's not the worst! My recent boyfriend (not the gay one) got another girl PREGNANT, except she told me that the day after she found out she was PREGNANT, her boyfriend PROPOSED to her, and now she's marrying another boy, while she has my boyfriend's baby. And now I found out I'm pregnant with the other gay boy's baby, except that I found out he has an STD, and his mother was just diagnosed for post-traumatic stress syndrome, so I couldn't possibly tell her that I'm pregnant, and now I've got an STD, a baby and a whole mess of a life to figure out. What do I DO?

-Tangled Mess

Dear Tangled Mess,

The answer is really quite simple. Just get a potion from Snape to turn the baby into a dark, evil person, then have the baby, and use it to kill off the other people that are causing the problem in the first place.

Simple, if you ask me.

Good day,

Draco Malfoy

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Do you have a question for the Hogwarts Advice Column? Email your question to [email protected], and it may be featured in the next chapter! That is, depending on if the character featured decides to answer it or not.