Snape\\\'s So Popular

Snape's So Popular

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Snape was lecturing the fifth-year Gryffindors and Slytherins. For a change, once they'd finished brewing something impossibly difficult, he'd used some spare time at the end of the class to talk about a potion which Millicent Bulstrode had brought to class for him to verify. Apparently, she thought she'd bought a fake potion.

'This flask,' he said, holding up the flask, which contained a bubbling magenta fluid, 'contains an unusual Love Potion. Now, you are not allowed to brew this potion in class, as the headmaster doesn't trust you not to abuse it. However, as we have it here, you may as well be aware of what it does, in case you encounter it, and in case your memories can cope with the task of recognising it.'

Harry sighed. Did Snape really think that constantly insulting his pupils was a good way to teach them? Of course, his constant flattering of Malfoy wasn't doing Malfoy any good; he still wasn't as good at Potions as Hermione was. He glanced over at Millicent. It was easy to see why she'd bought the potion -- she'd probably consider mere insults, rather than people running away or fainting, to be flirting.

'This potion,' Snape continued, tapping the flask with the side of a ladle so that it rang dully, 'is not drunk, nor is it used in any other manner on the person you want to attract. Instead, you merely place a few drops of it on your skin, and anyone present will be attracted to you. It wears off in twelve hours, a time calculated by the inventor to give ample time for seduction and flight. The effect ends early in the event of, err, "satisfaction". Note that I said "anyone present" -- the lack of discrimination is just one problem with it. If offered a chance to buy some, reject the offer, even though for most of you,' he glanced at Millicent, 'it will be your only hope for romance. That is all I need to tell you about this.' He tapped the flask with the ladle again, but the flask must have been weak, because this time it shattered, and the entire contents spilt over Snape and his desk. He glared at the remnants of the flask, as if taking its fragility as an insult, before registering the fact that all the pupils were moving.

The entire class, as one, had risen and was now advancing towards the front of the class, with fixed, lustful stares. 'No -- no, stay back! I order you to return to your seats! Return to your seats this minute or I will take a hundred points from each of you!' He knew it was pointless -- it wasn't even their fault that they couldn't resist. He backed towards the door to the corridor, desperately trying to remember some charm he could use to hold them off, but in vain, as he'd been concentrating on potion-brewing, as was usual in his lessons.

'My love! I must have you!' exclaimed Malfoy, pushing past the others. Snape couldn't walk backwards any faster while keeping an eye on the pupils, but was relieved to see that some of the potion had spilt onto the desk, and Malfoy was now hugging and kissing the desk. Crabbe and Goyle thundered up behind him and joined in, despite Malfoy's attempts to order them away. It seemed that no Malfoy was willing to share anything.

Unfortunately for Snape, the rest of the class were not so attracted to his desk. He might have been flattered by their better taste, but at that moment it would have been easier for him if more of them had joined Malfoy at the desk, leaving him alone. He quickly grabbed the handle of the door, pulled it open, and took one long stride towards his office before Millicent struck him to the floor, moaning, 'Snape, oh Snape, my love ...' He shuddered, despite being so thoroughly weighed down.

'Miss Bulstrode, get off me! I order you to get off now!'

'Oh, yes, yes, my darling!' She made no attempt to obey, but instead started to stroke her hand down his chest. He struggled, but in vain against her strength and weight.

'You cow! Leave him alone!' yelled Pansy, attacking Millicent. Millicent fought back, allowing Snape to struggle to his feet -- but the two girls blocked the door -- if he could only reach his office ...

Theodore Nott grabbed him. 'Oh, Professor, Professor, I've always loved the way you ground your teeth as finely as snake fangs. Your wonderfully greasy hair, your ...'

'Stupefy!' yelled Daphne Greengrass, and Nott slumped to the ground. 'Right! Nobody else move! Oh, Proffy, you're adorable ...'

Seamus pulled her away while she was gazing adoringly at her Head of house, and grabbed at Snape. Harry grabbed Snape from the other side. 'He's mine, Seamus!'

'No, he's not! Just because you're the Boy Who Lived doesn't mean you deserve everything! Leave me this one little thing, can't you, Harry?'

As a reaction to Seamus's 'little thing' reference, Snape drew his wand at last. Dean struggled, and with passion-fuelled strength, grabbed it from him. 'I've got his wand! Oh, what a love token!'

'Right, I want a lock of his hair!' said Seamus, grabbing at Snape's hair.

'I want all of his hair!' Lavender shrieked, grabbing at Snape's hair and Seamus' hand.

Snape managed to drag himself away from them, heading for his office door. He would already have been in his office, going by the Scholastic edition, but the Bloomsbury edition didn't have a door from the classroom, and that was the one he was stuck with. There was a mass of struggling Gryffindors and Slytherins on the floor behind him, and just three figures standing beyond them, looking quite calm. They were Granger, Weasley and Longbottom.

'Granger! How dare you use a Potion-shielding Charm in my class? On other pupils, too! I suppose you are enjoying this situation! You would think of that idea; you're so clever, so brilliant in class, so beautiful, and your hair is so ...' He babbled on.

'I thought it would make him fall in love with himself, but I suppose it reverses the intent rather than the actual effect,' said Hermione conversationally to Ron and Neville, 'We should be all right with everyone else between us. I don't want to cast this many more times, or nobody will be blocking him.'

'Thanks, Hermione. I'd hate to still be one of them,' said Neville, shuddering.

'What's going on here?' demanded Filch behind them. 'Oh, Professor Snape, it's you. It's ... you ...'

Snape groaned and grabbed for his office door. Not the Squib as well! But Filch climbed callously over the pile of struggling pupils and grabbed his arm. 'Severus, you're so wonderful, I've always thought so ...' and pulled Snape to him, kissing him full on the lips.

'Ugh!' said Ron. 'Look, let's see if we can get Harry out of there so you can protect him, too.' He wasn't even sure where Harry was in the pile by now.

Hermione nodded, 'Yes, then we can get away from here.'

The other pupils resolved that problem when they heard Filch kissing Snape. 'No! He's mine!' they screamed as one. They stopped fighting each other to stand up and pull out all their wands. Thirteen different curses hit Filch at once, and he collapsed into a quivering wreck on the floor.

'That's interesting,' said Hermione. 'It's much better than what happened to Malfoy and his friends on the train last year. Did anyone hear all the curses they used? I'd like to make a note of how to do that.'

Neville looked back into the classroom and gasped. 'Don't look in there, Hermione! It's awful!'

'Why can't I look?' she asked him.

Ron grinned, and asked Neville, 'Does it involve splinters in a very sensitive place?'

'If Malfoy keeps going at the desk like that, it will,' he admitted. 'But it looks as if he's got some of the potion on him, now, and Crabbe and Goyle are ... well, they're ... I'm not even going to try to explain.'

'In that case, I don't want to look,' said Hermione, looking at the pupils in front of her, who were now starting to curse each other. 'I wonder ... Protego venenum!' She'd cast the spell on Snape himself. For a moment, the crowd hesitated, confused, as Snape tried to hug himself and also kiss himself, but then the spell failed from the sheer perversity of it.

'Oh well -- Accio Harry!' Harry flew backwards through the air towards her. She steadied him, and said 'Protego venenum!'

'Oh, that was awful ... thanks Hermione. I suppose we should rescue the other Gryffindors.'

'I think we ought to run,' she said, seeing Snape heading for her between the fighting pupils, who were now standing, and easier to get past, although a couple of them were grabbing at him. She turned and ran up to the Entrance Hall, followed by the others. Harry had just remembered what Hermione already knew: that the result of any Shield Charm was to send the effects of magic back at the user ... so, while everyone else was in love with Snape, he was in love with Hermione, who'd cast all four of the Potion-shielding Charms.

'How did you resist it?' he asked as they reached the Hall.

'He threatened to take a hundred points off each of us. The shock cleared my mind,' she explained.

'What are you four doing, running instead of being in your lesson?' demanded McGonagall, who had just emerged from the Great Hall. 'I certainly expected better of you, Miss Granger and Mr Weasley!'

'Oh no!' cried Ron. 'Professor, go back! Snape spilt a Love Potion!'

'I don't consider that a problem, or an explanation ...' she broke off, as Snape emerged from the staircase. 'Severus! Oh, Severus!'

Snape ignored her. He only had eyes for Hermione. 'Miss Granger, I adore you! You're beautiful, you're so clever! I'm sorry for all those things I said! Your teeth are lovely!'

'Oh, no! Quick, the Great Hall!' She dashed in there, followed by the other three. By the time they realised that there was a big meeting of seventh-years in the Hall, it was too late. Despite McGonagall's efforts to hold onto him, Snape had followed them in. All the pupils present looked round to see what the commotion was, as did Dumbledore.

'We have to get to the side before they stampede!' shouted Harry over the sound of chairs being pushed back, and they managed to get there without too much trouble. The four of them looked back at the entrance, now packed with pupils fighting to reach Snape, and Snape fighting to reach Hermione, and Dumbledore levitating groups of pupils out of his way so that he could reach Snape.

'Oh, why did I suggest this room? There's no other exit!' moaned Hermione.

'There might be,' said Harry, 'but we'll be in real trouble if not.' He ran towards the door behind the teacher's table, followed by the other three.

'There's no other door!' said Neville, once they were inside. 'Harry, you've been here before -- why did you bring us in?'

Harry pointed out, 'We can just lock the door -- Hermione?' She quickly cast a Locking Charm, and then the four of them moved the chairs in the room against the door, to help block it. Then they sat on the barricade to get their breath back.

There was a thud on the other side, the sound of people hitting the door. It sounded painful for several of those involved. Then they heard Snape calling out, 'Stimpson! Let go and unlock this door, it's a nice cosy room ...'

'Oh no,' groaned Neville, as the now-unlocked door started to move, being pushed by Snape and several students.

'Violet,' Harry asked one of the paintings, 'is there a secret door here? Or any Floo powder? We're trying to escape from Snape, who's affected by a Love Potion!'

Violet giggled. 'There's no Floo powder, but if you press the round decoration at the top right of the fireplace -- that's right. Snape? Really? I suppose it's the only way he can get anyone to love him, though he really should remember which way round to use it.'

'Thanks, Violet!' called Harry, as the four of them vanished through the now open secret door. 'I hope Snape doesn't know about this,' he said as he found the door control on the other side, and closed it behind them. 'I've no idea where this goes.' Hermione put a couple of Locking Charms on the secret door.

'There's no choice,' said Ron, casting Lumos. 'There's just these steps down.' They hurried down them. Behind them, they heard the secret door open after a delay shorter than they'd hoped for.

'Oh, no,' groaned Harry. 'I hoped the potion wouldn't affect Violet, as she's a painting.'

'It ... was worth ... a try,' panted Hermione. At the bottom of the steps, they had a choice between continuing straight on along the corridor to a junction or doubling back.

Neville was wheezing breathlessly. 'Did you cast separate Shield Charms on all of us?' Harry asked, breathing heavily. Hermione nodded. Harry told Neville, 'You don't need to run, he's not after you. You go that way. We'll go straight on.'

'You don't have to run, either,' said Hermione as they ran around the corner and along a well-lit corridor. A door ahead opened, and some house-elves came out, carrying boxes of fruit into the kitchen. 'Stay in the kitchen!' she shouted to them. Snape was catching up, thanks to their stop to leave Neville behind.

'I'm not leaving you with him,' said Harry, 'Don't think ... Ron will either.' They ran past the gaping house-elves. Moments later, an ecstatic chorus of 'Oh, master!' told them that the house-elves hadn't taken Hermione's warning seriously.

''Course I won't ... isn't anywhere safe?' asked Ron, slipping as they reached the stairs that led from the kitchen corridor up to the Entrance Hall. The sounds seemed to be growing more distant, but they didn't want to count on the small house-elves.

'Forest?' asked Harry, growing tired. 'Centaurs ... might be immune to it.'

'Worth a try,' panted Hermione.

'All that way?' Ron managed to ask.

They ran out through the doors, and past the greenhouses. Harry risked a glance back, and saw that the students in Herbology, together with Professor Sprout, were running out of the greenhouse and chasing Snape. By now, it looked as if several dozen pupils, teachers and house-elves were chasing him, though some of them had fallen down the main steps and were just struggling back to their feet. Harry could see Ginny and Luna amongst the Herbology students, and ... yes, Professor Umbridge had been inspecting the class, and she had joined the others.

'We'll never make it!' gasped Ron, looking ahead at the distant Forest.

Behind them, they heard 'Imperio! Love only me!' in Umbridge's high voice.

Harry looked back again, and saw that Snape was now running towards Umbridge, surrounded by the pursuing mob. 'We can ... stop,' he managed to get out, collapsing on the lawn. Ron and Hermione did stop, and he pointed back to where Snape and Umbridge were just vanishing beneath a pile of people.

'They might be hurt,' gasped Hermione. 'We ought to rescue them.'

'Don't care if ... either of them ... hurt,' said Ron, still very out of breath.

'Not those two ... the pupils. They'll suffocate.'

'Even a prefect,' wheezed Harry, 'has to get her breath back first.'

Ron and Hermione nodded, and the three of them watched for a moment. Ron then said, 'Accio Ginny!' and she flew towards them. Hermione put a Shielding Charm on her as well.

Ginny sat staring at the pile of people trying to get to Snape. 'That was really, really horrible. I want to be sick. I actually touched him. I touched his hair! What's wrong with me?'

'Potion problems,' Ron said, tiredly.

'Let's see if that works on Dumbledore,' said Harry. 'Accio Dumbledore!' The Headmaster was pulled from the pile too, and Harry cast Finite before he had got all the way back. Hermione cast another Shielding Charm.

Dumbledore shook his head as if to clear it. 'Oh, my word. Never, never again.' He waved his wand, and levitated everyone off Snape and Umbridge.

'Do you think they've been crushed?' Ron asked eagerly.

'I hope not,' said Hermione. 'If they have, some of the pupils who were lowest down might have been, too.'

'Suppose it was exactly the right number of people to only crush Snape and Umbridge?'

'Sorry, Ron,' said Harry, pointing. 'They're still moving.'

Everyone from the pile was moving back towards Snape. Dumbledore cast a spell which enclosed the two teachers in a shimmering globe. Everyone stopped moving, and the sounds of retching were heard.

'I know just how they feel,' said Ginny, watching them.

'Imagine how Hermione felt,' suggested Ron. 'Snape was chasing her, and that potion seems to have quite a range -- we couldn't get her far enough away.'

'Now I think about it,' said Hermione, 'I must have increased the effect every time I cast another of those Shielding Charms. So the range was four times normal before we even got away from his classroom.' She ended her Shielding Charms. 'After what we did in our third year in the Shrieking Shack, I just couldn't attack him again.' She frowned. 'Though I suppose I could have levitated him so that he couldn't chase me, and was out of everyone's way.'

'In a dungeon corridor?' Harry asked.

'Not there, but in the Entrance Hall. There's a really high ceiling -- if we hadn't already been running, and busy with McGonagall, maybe I'd have thought of it.'

*

Snape walked wearily downstairs from his visit to Madam Pomfrey. Anyone seeing the expression on his face would have kept well out of his way.

He arrived at his classroom, and heard a sound from within. Leaving the unconscious and slug-like Filch in the corridor, he took out his wand and stepped cautiously into the room. He wasn't expecting the pupils for his third-year class for at least five more minutes.

Once inside, he saw Malfoy collapsed on the floor, groaning. Crabbe and Goyle were lying on the floor, Stunned, presumably by Malfoy. Apparently, nobody had remembered that the three of them were still in the classroom that was first affected by the potion. To his relief, Snape found that he was still protected by a side-effect of Dumbledore's spell. He used a Revealing Charm to show where traces of the potion were left, and cast Evanesco to remove the traces that were glowing. Most of them were on the desk, but there were some on the floor in front of it also.

He sat down, resting his exhausted legs. He couldn't remember how long it was since he'd run anywhere. After a moment, he said to Malfoy, 'I presume, since I find you quite revulsive at present, that satisfaction has ended the potion's effects on you.'

Malfoy groaned. 'I've got splinters in me.'

'More fool you. Get up to the hospital wing at once, or you will be late for classes.' He looked at the other two boys. 'Enervate!'

The other two slowly revived and looked around as if they had no idea where they were. However, Crabbe and Goyle usually looked like that, so Snape was unconcerned. 'You two -- if you are not hurt, go to your next class. Surely you can manage one lesson without Malfoy.'

The three boys left the room, leaving Snape free to study his damaged desk. He could, of course, repair it using magic, but the thought of what it had been used for appalled him. 'Evanesco!' He would just have to get a new desk.

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