Where Toads Could Be Vampires

Chapter 3: Move

Wednesday, 15 September 1976

"Hold onto your wands, boys. You're not going to believe this." Remus hurtled over the back of the sofa and landed with a thump next to James.

Next to the fire, Sirius and Peter didn't bother to look up from their game of Exploding Snap. "What's going on?" Sirius asked. "Did Margie offer to bear your children?"

"Not quite yet, but she did have some interesting news."

"Don't tell me." James raised his hands in feigned shock. "She switched nail polish colours. I can't believe it."

"Actually, I think she did, but she told me something else," Remus said. "Seems a few Slytherin thugs attacked Karen, Jane, and Lily."

James jumped up from the sofa, reaching for his wand. "Where are they?" Lily needed rescuing, and there wasn't a moment to lose.

Remus grabbed James' wrist and pulled him back into his seat. "Take it easy big guy. It was last night, and Lily's fine."

"Who did it? Was it Snivellus? I'm gonna kill him." James' only question was how.

"Not this time. It was Regulus, and his slime ball side-kick Mulcibur."

Sirius threw down his hand of cards. It exploded in Peter's face, but Sirius didn't flinch. "I told my creep little brother not to mess with my friends," he said, standing up. "Regulus is going to be sorry once I'm finished with him."

"Will you guys listen to the story before you flip out?"

"What happened, Moony?" Rubbing his singed nose, Peter sat forward in anticipation of the news. "Don't leave anything out."

"Remember that joke Jane did last week in Herbology?" Remus asked.

Peter nodded. "Where she took that fake plant up to Sprout and made a big deal about how it wasn't growing?"

"And then Lily and Karen laughed like hyenas the rest of the lesson?" James added.

"Right. Well, they all three got detention for it."

"The look on Sprout's face was worth a detention, too," Sirius said. He grinned and leaned against the mantle. "I wish we'd thought of it first."

"Anyways..." Remus looked like he was getting impatient with the interruptions, and James encouraged him to continue. "They served their detention last night," he said, "scrubbing up the Bobotuber pus that a bunch of idiot fourth years sprayed all over the glass in the greenhouse. While they were working, Mulcibur and Regulus showed up, roaming around after hours. Old Pringle didn't want the girls using magic to hurry their work along, so he'd confiscated their wands."

"Oh no." James massaged a spot that was beginning to throb on his temple.

"That's what I said. The girls got hexed a couple of times each before Sprout come in and threw a fit. The scumbags have got a week of detentions each, and lost a hundred points for their house."

"So that's what happened." Sirius dropped to his knees on the bearskin rug. "People have been talking about those points all day."

"Are the girls hurt?" James asked.

"You saw them in classes today, didn't you? They had to sleep in the hospital wing, but Pomfrey let them out in time for breakfast."

"I need to go talk to Lily." James started to get up again, but Remus stopped him.

"No you don't. Lily didn't want you to find out. She was afraid you'd do something stupid."

Sirius laughed at that. "Of course he would. He's James Potter."

"How come you get to know?" James asked, feeling more than a little jealous that Remus got to know secrets about Lily instead of him.

"Margie found out in the dormitory," Remus said, "and well, you know how badly she and Lily get along. She was happy to spread the word to her favourite Gryffindor."

"Oh, gag." Sirius groaned and rolled his eyes. "Moving on. Please."

"So what are we going to do about Regulus and Mulcibur?" Sitting forward in his seat, James scratched at his scalp. "They are going to have to pay a huge price for that stunt."

"How about we attach them to the Giant Squid with a Permanent Sticking Charm," Sirius suggested.

James didn't like it. "That's too humane."

"I've already got an idea." The boys all looked at Remus, who was trying hard to play it cool while he practically burst at the joints with an exciting idea. "Over the summer," he said, "I managed to obtain a bottle of undiluted Repelling Ointment."

"No way!" A thrilled smile erupted on Sirius' face. "Where it is?"

"Upstairs in my trunk. I've been saving it for a special occasion." Remus crossed one of his ankles over his knee and sat back contentedly.

"What is it again?" Peter asked.

"Repelling Ointment," Remus told him. "You know that stuff they mix in with magical lotions - the kind that keep your hands clean? When it's diluted right, it works like a weak Impervious Charm, except that it lasts a long time."

Sirius's eyes shone like Christmas, Easter and his birthday had all come at once. "But undiluted...imagine the possibilities."

Brilliant. "How did you get it?" James asked.

Shrugging, Remus closed his magazine and folded his hands behind his neck. "Dad took me to a dodgy sort of apothecary last July. He was trying to work out something that he thought might help with...you know...my numerous ailing relatives."

The rest of the boys sat up a little straighter at that. Anything that would help Remus' condition as a Werewolf would be massive news. "Did you find anything good?" Sirius whispered.

"Not really. But Dad felt bad about getting my hopes up, so he got me the Repelling Ointment, as long as I didn't tell Mum."

Peter whistled softly. "Your dad is so cool."

They could very well be looking at the most hilarious stunt in the history of Hogwarts. "Do you think we could include Snivellus in this operation? I'm sure he deserves it for something."

Remus chuckled. "I don't see why not."

"Imagine if we covered him in that stuff," James said.

Remus recoiled immediately. "Just the hands. Please. I have no intention of seeing his pants come flying off again."

"Good call," Sirius said. "James traumatised us enough with that stunt last June."

"Shut-up. You were both laughing your snouts off when it happened." They thought it was funny.

"I still don't want to see it again," Remus told him. Neither did James, come to think of it.

"Alright, so we just treat his hands. And Regulus' and Mulcibur's. Or maybe their arms too, so they can't carry stuff under their elbows."

"Wait a minute." Scooting closer to the sofa, Peter knit his brows together. "If this ointment repels everything, how do you actually get it on anything?"

"The label says there's a three to five minute activation delay after it comes out of the bottle. We'll have to work fast."

"How will we pull it off, though?" James said. "Getting in their showers unnoticed is one thing. Actually touching them is quite another."

Sirius groaned. "Do we have to touch them?"

"How could we get it on them without getting it on ourselves?" Peter looked a little alarmed.

"We could use our dragon hide gloves," Remus suggested.

That wouldn't work. "But then our gloves would be useless."

Sirius nodded in agreement. "Not to mention the evidence against us."

"What if we use their dragon hide gloves?"

"That's it!" Peter clapped his hands at James' idea. "We'll have to figure out where they keep them."

"Why don't we use some of the spare sets that Sprout leaves around in the greenhouses?" Sirius said. "They would be easier to find, plus we could get enough for all of us without too much trouble."

"We can borrow the gloves on the way to visit the dungeons," James said, "and then put them back on the way out. Nobody will miss them, and by the time anyone notices the ointment on them, Operation Repelling Gits will already be in full swing."

Pulling his legs out from under him, Sirius rubbed his kneecaps and stretched his feet out in front of him. "When is this operation going down?" he asked.

"I say we do it Monday night." That would give them a few days to prepare over the weekend. "We'll be able to see the effects in class for as long as it lasts. It could work for days."

"This all sounds like brilliant payback," Peter said, "but I'm still not sure how we're going to do it without waking them up."

"We need to pour some Sleeping Draughts down their throats while they're already asleep," Sirius explained. "They'll never even know we've been there."

Remus frowned, and then took the words right out of James' mouth. "Pomfrey's cupboard is locked tighter than Gringotts, though. How are we going to get it?"

"We'll ask her for some."

James laughed. "Oi! Madame Pomfrey, would you mind giving us a few bottles of Sleeping Draught so that we can force it down some nasty Slytherin throats?"

"It might be easier to brew it ourselves," Peter said.

"Just let me take care of it." Sirius waved their objections away. "I promise I'll get the potion in time."

"It's all up to you, Padfoot." James bent over and shook Sirius' hand. "The success of Operation Repelling Gits rests on your shoulders."

"Thank you sir, I won't let you down."

James nodded and sat back on the sofa, leaning heavily against the armrest. "This is going to be great."

"They won't be able to touch anything at all."

"Their assignments won't get done if they can't hold a quill."

"They won't be able to eat properly. I'll bet they have to lean over and eat straight out of their plates like Crups."

"Wait till they need to open a door."

"Or go to the loo!"

"You know," James said, "I'm thinking that this prank might even rival Operation Frog Spawn Shower."

"I don't know." Sirius sounded sceptical. "We'll be famous for that one for centuries."

"Baby frogs were streaming out of their common room for ages," Remus said. "I bet they still have frogs popping out of the drains now and again."

"Remember that one that we charmed to follow Snivellus around?" Sirius asked.

"Oh yeah." Remus laughed fondly over the memory. "If we hadn't given the little guy a massive Shield Charm to go with it, he never would have lasted the day."

A familiar giggle sounded from the other side of the room, and James turned in his seat to look at her. Lily slipped into a chair at the table nearest to the girls' dormitory and bent in for a hushed conversation with Karen.

"Prongs," Sirius said, "what was that curse Snivellus tried on the frog...that one that backfired on him and gave him weepy eyes all day?"

"Huh?"

Lily reached across the table to pat a dejected looking Jane on the shoulder. She was so beautifully compassionate. Maybe she would feel compassion for James, too, if something horrible happened - say he cracked his head open during a Quidditch match, or if his parents got killed off by You-Know-Who, or something. Would she pat him on the shoulder too? Maybe she'd want to give him a comforting hug. Imagine the bliss.

"Looks like Prongs tuned into another station."

"What?" James started to look over at Remus, but Lily's presence was much too distracting.

She pulled out some scrolls and put her quill in her mouth while she unrolled the lengthy parchments. Her little mouth was so pretty, and when she took the quill back into her hand, the feathery strands stuck to her moist lips for a split second in the most unnerving way. Watching, he felt like his insides were completely unravelling.

"I heard Lily kissed Steve Parkin this afternoon."

"What?" A lead weight smashed into his belly as James whipped around to gape at Sirius, who exploded into laughter. Peter clapped his hands and joined in the laughing whole-heartedly, while Remus struggled to bite back his amusement, staring fixedly at the magazine he'd opened over his knee. They were having him on. The stupid gits.

Sirius fell backward onto the rug, howling and clutching his sides. "You totally bought that!"

"I did not."

"Yes you did! The look on your face was priceless."

"I was just surprised you'd said something so stupid. Lily would never go for a smarmy Hufflepuff loser like Parkin."

"I suppose," Remus quietly suggested, "that she'd prefer a smarmy Gryffindor loser like Potter, instead."

"I wish. Hey!" Wait a minute. Did Remus just call James Potter a smarmy loser? James pulled his wand from his back pocket and pointed it directly at Remus, who happened to be laughing his head off along with the others. "You want to say that again, Moony?" He thought a Sneezing Jinx would fit the situation nicely, and willed Remus to say it again.

"Thanks, but I don't think it would have the same effect."

Maybe James would jinx him anyway. Remus hadn't been hit by a friendly jinx in ages.

"Don't forget you owe him, Prongs. I know Moony is overdue for a good jinx, but he did put his snout on the line for you in Herbology last week."

"Thank you for remembering, Padfoot," Remus said. "My death at Lily's hands is sure to come soon enough, without James hurrying it along."

"I don't know," Peter said. "Lily may not kill you after all. She didn't look nearly so upset about Operation Herbology Partner as I'd expected her to."

James gave Remus a snarl for good measure before he tucked his wand back into his pocket. Peter was right that Lily hadn't flipped out in class - he'd been prepared for the worst. But still..."She wasn't exactly happy."

"She was pleased as pumpkin juice compared to Jane."

"Yeah," Sirius said, "Jane was panicking worse than Wormtail did that summer he found out his mum invited the Snapes over for dinner."

"What was the deal with her anyway?" James asked. "I always thought Jane was kind of on my side."

"Maybe she's afraid Lily's going to murder you with a screeching Mandrake half way through term," Remus said. James was afraid of that too.

"She's probably just jealous." Sirius took the cards out of Peter's hands and starting dealing a new game. "I bet she's been crushing on James or something."

"Do you really think that?"

"Sure. There are plenty of girls that would dig you if you'd just stop and look around. I don't know why you're so obsessed with Lily, anyway."

"I'm not obsessed."

Sirius widened his eyes in disbelief. "Prongs. Mate. You are the very definition of obsessed."

"I am not. I just think she's pretty."

Remus lost it at that, and covered his face with his magazine in a ridiculous attempt to hide his snickering.

"What's so funny?" James didn't see anything humorous about Lily's appearance.

"Absolutely nothing. Nothing at all." Remus put down his magazine and smiled as evenly as he could manage.

"Uh oh. You've got that look on your face," James said. "The one where you're planning something crazy."

He looked completely offended at that. "Padfoot's the one with the crazy plans. Mine are all brilliant."

Sirius rolled his eyes and played his first card.

"You know," Remus continued, "I was just thinking... Operation Lock In and Operation Herbology Partner both worked a lot better than I'd expected."

"True." Sirius chuckled and played another card. "I'm surprised that neither one of you has been Lily-hexed yet."

"So why don't we take it a step further?" Remus asked.

A small explosion popped in Peter's lap, and Sirius backed up to avoid the smoke. He looked back at Remus. "Do you want to kidnap her for a midnight romp in Hogsmeade or something?"

"That wouldn't be too bad of an idea. But I was thinking of starting with something more innocuous - like getting her to tutor James in Potions."

James balked. "I don't need a tutor! Why can't I tutor her instead?"

"What would you tutor Lily in?"

"Umm..." Nothing he cared to discuss outside of his private imagination.

"See?" Remus said. "It would be easier if you pretended to need help."

"I'm not going to pretend to be stupid." The object was to get Lily to like him, not think him an idiot.

"Moony's right that we do need a plan, though," Sirius told him. "We always work more efficiently with good operations. We need her to notice that you're not such a bad guy once she gets used to you."

"We could try to make her jealous by having James pick up a girlfriend," Peter suggested.

Groaning, James rubbed his scalp. "She'd probably throw a party," he said. Lily would be thrilled to get rid of him.

"Padfoot." Remus sat forward in his seat, rolling his magazine in his hands. "Maybe you could go out with one of her friends so that she has to spend more time with us, and therefore, with James."

"You go out with one of her friends."

"I'm asking Margie out."

"Well I've got my eye on somebody too."

"Who's that?"

"Camille," Sirius said. "The cute little fifth year that sat near us at lunch today."

"Didn't she fancy you last year?"

"I think so. She's pretty cool. We ran into her a couple of times in Godric's Hollow last summer." More like Sirius dragged James around town following her all summer. And they called James obsessed...

"How about this," Remus tried. "We make a bet with Lily - one that she can't possibly win - and the punishment is that she has to go out with Prongs."

"I don't want to be a punishment! I want her to go out with me because she wants to. Not because you clowns forced her into it."

"Then make some terribly noble sacrifice to look really selfless," Sirius said. "Girls lap up that sappy stuff."

"We could always kill off her family," Peter suggested, "and let James comfort her."

"Oh, sure. That would go over well." Shaking his head, James removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose, slouching deeply into his seat.

"We could just make it look like they were in danger," Remus said, "and let James rescue them."

"Or rescue Lily." Sirius motioned in her direction. "The whole damsel in distress thing. Works every time."

"Will you just give it up already?"

"I don't know why you're so hung up on Lily anyway," Sirius told him. "A castle full of girls and you're stuck on the one who won't even talk to you."

"Lily talks to me. We're friends."

"Like she's friends with Sykes?" Sirius nodded towards Lily's table, and James popped his head up to take a look.

Edgar Sykes, a large seventh year, was sitting in the seat next to Lily. He leaned in close to her, and said something that made her giggle. What did Sykes think he was doing? He knew Lily was off limits!

James stood up and scratched his scalp, frowning, before he straightened his glasses.

"Where are you going, Prongs?" Sirius asked him.

"Where do you think I'm going? I'm going to tell Sykes to lay off my girl."

Remus shook his head. "I really doubt Lily would appreciate that."

But James didn't seem to hear those wise words. He strode off across the room, with an air of fierce determination. Sirius climbed up onto the sofa and watched the unfolding drama.

"Do you think he's really going to try take on our Quidditch Captain?" Peter asked.

"Nah," Sirius said. "Prongs will just make a fool of himself and get Lily all riled up."

Laughing, Remus repositioned his seat on the sofa so that he could watch. "This should make for an interesting weekend."