Wizarding Betrothal

Chapter 22: You Live, You Learn

Lily turned a tiny jar in her fingers, running her thumb over the label. Stinksap; she'd never even opened it. While James had not actually come out and admitted to putting the jar in her dorm, she was fairly convinced that he'd done it. How? She had no clue. It wasn't logical. It was, however, amusing. James was always full of amusing surprises. He'd surprised her the night before, too, but it hadn't been amusing in the least.

"Why don't you call him?"

"I might." Lily closed her fist around the jar and looked up at Mike; his long legs were stretched out in the grass as he reclined against the fence. The two friends had been there for nearly an hour, sitting side by side on the lawn by the Evans' back gate, thoughtful and quiet in the stillness of the summer morning.

Less than twelve hours previously, Lily had arrived home a complete wreck. Her father, who just happened to be up watching television when she arrived, had been suspicious of her tear stained face, but noting that she was all in one piece, chose to be merciful and leave the interrogation for later. Relieved, Lily had rushed upstairs to meet Mike, who was sneaking into her bedroom through the balcony. After they'd quietly hashed out the whole troublesome situation, Mike tucked Lily into bed, ordering her to at least pretend to sleep, and to expect him back later in the morning - it was the wee hours, after all. Much to her surprise, Lily did manage a couple of hours of sleep which, accompanied by a long shower and a decent breakfast, proved to calm her down immensely...that, and the fact that her mother was in the kitchen baking lemon squares.

Sitting in the grass with Mike, Lily's mind felt clearer than it had in months, and her heart felt heavier than she'd ever thought possible. She'd royally screwed up her life. Big time.

A spotted ladybird landed on her bent knee, crawling across the taught denim of her jeans. It was pretty and perfect, and also a piercing reminder of James. He and Lily had sat under the same tree when he'd showed her his little ladybird trick. After Lily had recovered from the shock of watching insects spew from his ears, she'd been delighted to watch hundreds of ladybirds swirling around them before scattering throughout the garden. It was hard for Lily to know if she wanted to cherish the little memory, or shoo it away so that she could try to forget.

"You should call him," Mike repeated. "How can you two work things out if you don't talk to each other."

She couldn't call James - he didn't have a telephone - but she could owl him. Trouble was: Lily didn't know what to write. Hadn't she told herself that she wanted him to give up? It hadn't gone at all like she had planned. "There isn't anything to say."

Mike didn't agree.

Lily corralled the ladybird from crawling down her shin. If she had it to do all over again, she would have held onto James' hand through the whole night. She would have relished his strong grip, and his warm presence. She would have let him look after her to his heart's content; she would have let him protect her from the pain she'd brought on herself. With another chance, Lily never would have wandered away from him. As long as she was reliving her life, she would have gone back even further and told Benjamin about her engagement months ago. She'd been so selfish - it was out of control.

Watching the ladybird fly away, Lily dropped her knee to the grass. "I'm a bad friend," she said.

"No you're not."

"I am." Lily rolled the Stinksap jar between her fingers morosely. "Benjamin told me I am."

"He was mad. Everybody says things they don't mean when they lose their temper."

"It was still true."

Mike shook his head. "You're only a bad friend if you don't try to fix things when problems come up."

"There's nothing left to fix," Lily said. "They both hate me."

"That's not true."

"When I broke up with Matt, I never wanted to talk to him again." Lily trained her eyes on her small jar. "I was so mad that he'd betrayed me that I called him all kinds of mean names and ignored him all year at school. I said I never wanted to be friends with him again." Tension was burning in her throat. "And then I turned around and acted just like him."

Withdrawing his hands from behind his head, Mike slid an arm around Lily's shoulder and pulled her against him. He stroked her head silently as she cried.

"I want things back the way they were, Mike. I want James to come back and forgive me and be nice and pretend like nothing ever happened. But he won't. He doesn't care. He's happy to be rid of me."

Mike shushed her words and continued to pet her hair. Of course he didn't know what to say - Lily couldn't blame him.

"Do you hear that?" he asked her. The deep rumbling of a motorcycle sounded in the little road behind them.

Lily nodded and wiped her face. The rumbling was definitely getting closer.

Mike grinned. "I told you he'd still want to talk to you."

"So you think it's James?"

"Who else do you know that rides a motorcycle around here?"

Could James really be coming back to her? Lily scrambled to her feet and tried to watch the back road through the wooden fence, but the hedge by the road was blocking her view; it had been running wild. "What am I going to do?" The idea that James was coming had her heart thumping already.

"Relax and talk to him until you get everything straightened out," Mike suggested. He acted like it was the easiest thing in the world.

"How do I look?"

"Beautiful, as usual."

"There's not big circles under my eyes?" She should have worn some make-up.

"You look fine, Lil. I'm going to scram. I don't want to see all the mushy stuff."

"No! Stay with me, please?"

"How are you supposed to kiss and make up if I'm hanging around?"

"Please stay Mike! I need you here." She couldn't face James alone. What if he just wanted his leather jacket back or something.

Tires screeching, the loud engine roared up behind the fence. Lily straightened her T-shirt, wishing she'd put a little more effort into her appearance. Maybe she looked pathetic enough to garner some sympathy. Not that she deserved it. Slipping the Stinksap into her pocket, Lily swallowed hard.

BANG! Lily instinctively ducked when the wooden gate lurched off of its hinges and pieces of broken timber scattered across the lawn. She uncovered her face to see Sirius Black marching towards her. He was unmistakably angry.

"What do you think you're playing at, little girl?"

"I don't know?" She really didn't.

"Don't lie to me! You're nothing but a devious, tarty little--"

"Hang on just a minute." Mike forced himself between Lily and Sirius' threatening wand. "Who do you think you are? You can't just bust in here like this!"

Lily could see Sirius' eyes widen in surprise, before narrowing dangerously. "I'll give you three seconds to get away from me."

"Or what?"

"Three. Sphaera Rubesco!"

"No!" Lily cried. But it was too late - where Mike had stood, there was nothing but a dingy, red Quaffle. "Change him back!"

"Why should I? I think I'll take him down to the pitch for the Cannons to practice with this week."

Lily grabbed the Quaffle and hugged it to her stomach protectively. "Sirius Black! You change him back right now or I'll report you to the ministry. You can't just go around transfiguring innocent Muggles into sporting goods."

Sirius leaned over her and smirked. "Your little boyfriend deserved it!"

"He isn't my boyfriend."

"So he's just your snog buddy? Nice. You've got even less class than I'd expected, Evans."

Stunned, Lily backed away from him and bumped into the tree. "What are you doing here, Sirius? Did you just come to insult me?"

"Don't play that game with me. I heard all about last night from Remus. How you finally admitted you've been cheating on James, and, as if that wasn't enough, you had to rub it right in his face."

"I did not."

"You did!" Clenching his free hand, Sirius shook his wand at her. "You were dead set against him from the beginning, and you've been making him chase you around, playing him for the fool, all along. Haven't you, you little tart."

"You don't know anything about what I've been through." Cradling the Quaffle in her arms, Lily wished it were big enough to hide behind. "James didn't have to chase me around; he only did it because he was expected to...because his father wanted him to. But he didn't even want me. I'm nothing to him but a little child who he thinks he's got to keep an eye on so I don't hurt myself."

"If he treats you like a child, it's because you act like one." Lowering his wand, Sirius paced a small circle, wrestling with his temper. "Every time James tried to treat you like an adult, you'd just run away, making it perfectly clear to everyone that you still need to grow up."

"Even when James tried to be all romantic I could tell he was uncomfortable," Lily argued. "I could see right through him. He didn't want to hold me or kiss me or treat me like he loved me - because he doesn't!"

Sirius froze and stared at her, incredulous. "Of course he's uncomfortable!" he said. "Do you have any idea how many hours I've had to listen to James rattle on about how '...Lily's not ready for that kind of thing. I make her so uncomfortable. Do you think it's me? Or do you think she's still uncomfortable with men in general after Regulus harassed her so much? That would scar anybody. She probably needs more time...' Blah, blah, blah. Turns out he was wrong, doesn't it?" Sirius advanced on her again. "All along you've been getting it out of your system with your little pal, Summers."

That wasn't true, but why would he care? "James told me he didn't love me."

"Just because he wasn't ready to snog your brains out, doesn't mean he didn't love you." Sirius was back to pacing again. "He needed time to adjust, just like you did. Only thing is, you never even tried. You've fought him tooth and nail every step of the way. James waited years for you. Years! You've been a part of him for his whole life. He loves you like his right arm. He'd do anything for you."

Lily traced a seam on the Quaffle with her index finger. Everything just didn't add up. "If he cares about me so much," she said, "why didn't he do anything about it last night? He just yelled at me and left. He should have stayed to fight for me."

"Look," Sirius began. He strode up to her, his eyes dark. "I don't care what kind of manipulative little games you've been trying to pull, but there is no way I'm going to let you mess things up for James. I'll put you under the Imperius Curse if I have to, but James is not going to Azkaban for you. Is that clear?"

"What are you talking about?" Lily whispered. She leaned back heavily against the tree trunk.

"Haven't you figured it out by now?" he asked, suspicious. "And I thought you were supposed to be so smart. James is responsible for the contract that sealed your betrothal. If he doesn't carry it out, he goes to Azkaban for five years. Five years, Evans. That's as good as a death sentence."

Lily was dumbfounded. She'd heard of that place. James would have to go there? "He...he didn't tell me. James should have told me there was a punishment. How was I supposed to know about that?"

Sirius backed away from her and rubbed his face. "He didn't want you to know."

"Why not?" Lily's temper was rising. "Seems like I would have a right to know something like that! Did he think I couldn't handle it?"

"James is going to murder me," Sirius muttered. He pressed his eyes as Lily continued to rant.

"All this time I've been thinking we actually had a choice." Moving away from the tree, Lily paced between Sirius and the fence. "I thought James was just trying to please his mum, and honour his dead father. But no, he's just been trying to stay out of jail." She waved the Quaffle in her hand. "I am capable of making rational decisions, you know, but it helps if I have all the facts."

"I agree with you." Sirius wasn't looking at her.

"Why would the Potters do something like that, anyway? Who would put that sort of thing on their son?"

"It didn't start out as James' responsibility; it was his father's." Sirius scratched his neck and looked at Lily. "But then his father was assassinated," he continued, "and James became the head of the family, and the obligations of the contract passed to him."

"That doesn't make any sense," Lily argued. "James told me that the contract was signed to protect me. Who would want to risk going to Azkaban over that? Wasn't there a better way?"

He gave her a hard look and said, "It wouldn't be a risk if you weren't so headstrong and rebellious."

"That doesn't answer my question."

Sirius groaned. "Fine. What do you want to know?"

"What's the real reason that the Potters betrothed me and James? And don't bother to give me the 'soften it up for Lily' answer. I want the real reason."

Nodding, Sirius took a deep breath and rubbed his eyes again, deliberately. "A lot of wizards," he began, "think that intermarriage with Muggle-born witches and wizards dilutes the wizarding race. But it doesn't," he added, watching Lily for her reaction. "Mr. Potter worked for years to prove them wrong - that muggle-borns can actually strengthen the power in magical families, and that they shouldn't be discriminated against." It was Sirius' turn to pace the grass as Lily watched from beside the fence. "In one of his experiments, he reconstructed the matchmaking process and used it on James: predicting that it would point to a muggle-born witch as his best match. He was right on...it pointed to you. The Potters wanted to show how committed they were to the research findings, plus they wanted to protect you from all of the political turmoil that was...is going on, so they sealed your engagement."

"With a binding magical contract..."

He nodded in confirmation and continued. "Well, Mr. Potter continued his research for another decade - I think they were studying full Muggles - and he was about to go public with his work when word leaked out about the findings. It was politically unpopular to say the least, and a lot of Muggle-haters wanted to stop the information from being published. The Potters had to go into hiding. Right after we finished at Hogwarts, a group of Death Eaters managed to kill James' dad...they killed the other wizards on his research team...they destroyed all of his findings...it was horrible. James still lives in constant fear that they're going to come after his mum, or that they'll come after you."

Lily's head was beginning to spin, and she leaned against a fence post for support, sliding all the way to the ground. She couldn't believe it. What Sirius had described...that sort of situation only happened in the movies. But it was her life they were talking about...James' life. She wouldn't allow him to go to Azkaban - that was the easy part to deal with. The hard part was the sickening pain gnawing at her heart, tearing down everything she had thought she understood.

She finally knew - James had to choose between marrying her and going to prison. No wonder he followed her around like his life depended on it. It didn't matter if he hated her guts; she was still a better option than prison. He'd never actually meant any of it. All of the sweet words he'd whispered in her ear, the way he'd cradled her hand in his every chance he got, how he'd hugged her like he wanted to hold her there forever - it had all been an act. She knew there had been something missing, she'd been convinced that it wasn't real, but Lily had been unable to help reserving one last shred of hope that he really wanted her. But that hope was gone.

"So all along it's just been an act. He really doesn't care about me at all."

Sirius dropped onto the grass next to her and started banging his head backwards against the fence. "Were you listening to a word I said?" he asked. With a final thump, he let his head rest on the fence post and looked up at the sky, exhaling deeply. "James is willing to go to wizard prison for you. He's willing to give up his whole life to make you happy. He's in love with you!"

"Do you think so?"

Sirius sent her an exasperated look, and returned his gaze to the clouds. "You really are dense, you know that?" His forearms were resting on his bent knees while he twirled his wand between his fingers with an automatic motion.

"I was so horrible to him," Lily said. "I said the meanest things. He's never going to forgive me."

"He'll get over it."

"He shouldn't. I don't deserve that."

"It doesn't matter what you deserve," Sirius told her. "James doesn't care. He'll forgive you anyway, whether you want him to or not."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Experience," he whispered. Sirius' face was still turned upwards; his eyes were closed and his demeanour was calm; the wand was twirling steadily. Behind the fence, his motorcycle's engine was still running, unsettled and forgotten.

Lily stroked the Quaffle in her lap for several minutes, trying to absorb all that he'd told her. It was too much. A twittering bird was perched nearby; it rattled the branch, flew across the lawn, and disappeared over the fence. A clanking echoed from the kitchen; it sounded like the oven door. Maybe the lemon squares were ready. Lily was no longer in the shade, and the hot sun was bore down on her face. It was uncomfortable. "I wish I could just start over."

"I know," Sirius whispered. "I know." Opening his eyes, he looked sideways at her. He did know. Somehow, Sirius understood her. It was comfortable feeling understood. He quirked an eyebrow and smirked at her. "So," he asked, "what are we going to do about your boyfriend?" He motioned to the Quaffle tucked within her arms.

"Oh, we aren't like that. We're just friends - more like brother and sister. I promise. We've been friends since we were babies. Mike had nothing to do with last night. All he did was drive me home."

"You mean this isn't that Summers kid?"

"No, this is Mike Johnson."

"He really is a Muggle?"

"Yes."

Sirius swore softly and rubbed his temples.

"Please just change him back," Lily implored.

Nodding, Sirius sat up straight. "We'll tell him he just passed out or something," he suggested. "If he starts asking too many questions about what happened I'm going to catch it from the MLEs. They're already breathing down my neck as it is."

"What are MLEs?" It sounded familiar.

"Magical Law Enforcement."

Lily looked at him with surprise. She always knew he was the bad boy type, but..."Are you in trouble with the law, Sirius?"

"Nah, they just don't know how to have any fun." Smiling, he picked up his usual, cool demeanour. "A few little pranks here and there and they act like you're trying to burn down the ministry."

"Sirius!"

"What?" he said, "You're not going to tell on me for this are you, sugar?"

Lily shook her head. How could he even suspect it?

"You might want to put him down then," he suggested, gripping his wand.

Lily leaned forward onto her knees and placed Mike-the-Quaffle on the grass.

"Meton Reducis," Sirius said, and the Quaffle ballooned into a very familiar seventeen year-old boy, lying face down on the grass.

"Mike? How do you feel?" Lily asked.

"Oh, man. What happened?" Mike pushed himself part-way up and looked around, obviously confused.

"You got hit in the head with a piece of wood when Sirius crashed his bike into the fence," Lily told him.

"Who crashed?"

"My friend Sirius." She motioned over her shoulder to Sirius, who waved politely.

"He crashed into the fence?" Mike repeated.

"Yeah, does your head hurt?" Lily pushed his hair away from his face and helped him sit up.

"I thought he was yelling at you. I could have sworn he hit me or something."

"You must have been dreaming," she said. "You were out cold for a while."

"Dreaming? Yeah, I had a crazy dream." Mike inspected his limbs curiously. "I felt all round and small. I didn't know which way was up."

"Do you want to come and lie down in the lounge?"

"No, I think I'll just sit here a minute." He looked a little dizzy.

"Are you going to be okay?" she asked.

"I'm fine. I've had a million knocks worse than this." That was the truth - Lily knew first hand.

"If you're alright, I need to leave," she said. Lily felt guilty leaving him, but she knew he wasn't hurt, and she was suddenly very anxious.

"What up, Lil?" he wondered, climbing to his feet.

"Sirius is going to help me find James."