Wizarding Betrothal

Chapter 7: Heartbreak Defined

The doorbell was ringing, and ringing, and ringing, and a muffled groan emerged from underneath Lily's pillow. Only one sort of person ever had that much fun ringing a doorbell, and only one of those peculiar people ever came by the Evans' house - and he would be looking for her. That particular evening, however, she really was not in the mood. Maybe she could pretend to be sick. Lily pressed the pillow into her face and sniffed.

Lily had joined her mother on a trip into Muggle London. Ever since they had arrived home that evening, Lily had been holed up in her room, crying into her pillow, no energy for anything else. London had not been good to her. Neither had Matt.

Footsteps sounded on the landing and the bedroom door clicked open.

"Lily, honey, how are you feeling?"

Grunt.

"James is here to see you."

Grunt, again.

"It's the last night of your holiday, sweetie. Why don't you come down for a little bit? It will do you some good."

Double grunt.

"I can't understand you when you talk through the pillow," her mother said.

Pulling off the pillow, Lily glared and said, "I'm not coming down." Then she stuffed the pillow back into position over her face and waited to hear the door close.

Earlier that day, Mrs. Evans had allowed Lily to go ahead and order their lunches in a café while she finished up some business in a London shop next door. As a result, she was not present to witness what exactly had so thoroughly upset her daughter. Mrs. Evans was worried, but Lily had remained silent and glaring all the way home, making for a very uncomfortable drive. Somewhere about half way home, the tears had started flowing.

Hearing the door opening once again, Lily decided to forestall the renewed pleas of her mother. "Can you please just leave me alone?"

"No can do, Lily-girl." Definitely not Mrs. Evans. Oh dear.

Peeking out from behind the pillow, Lily saw James walking towards her with a towering plate of her favourite yellow bar cookies.

"James, please go away."

Ignoring her protests, James settled himself on the end of her bed, leaning up against the footboard.

"I'm under strict orders to see that you eat at least half of these lemon-thingies, so if you want to be alone," he said, "I suggest you start eating."

Yanking the pillow into her lap, Lily sat up and glared at James in all of her puffy-eyed, tangly-haired glory. She grabbed a lemon square and stuffed the whole thing roughly into her mouth.

Chewing his own square at a steadier pace, James watched her with concern, but didn't say a word. Lily reached for a second lemon square and swallowed the first.

"What are you doing in my room?" Right. As if she didn't already know the answer to that one.

"Your mum sent me. She seems to think you need cheering up."

"Humph." Lily took another bite.

He was planning to stay until she spilled - she could tell by the look on his face. How long would he stay if she refused to talk? Probably all night. She started her third square.

"I'm thirsty."

He conjured a glass of ice cold milk for her, ruffled his hair, and went back to chewing. The milk felt good going down her hot throat.

"What did you do today?" she asked. Maybe she could to distract him from her own issues.

"Played Quidditch."

"You're always playing Quidditch."

"Too true." He started his second square. "What did you do today?" He refused to be distracted.

"Visited London."

"Have fun?"

"Not really."

"Want to talk about it?"

"Not to you." Lemon square number four: going down the hatch.

"Who would be better?"

"Laura."

"So pretend I'm Laura," he suggested.

"Excuse me?" Lily looked up from fluffing the pillow in her lap.

"Use your imagination. We'll pretend I'm Laura."

"Whatever you're talking about..." she mumbled, taking a bite off a new square.

"It won't be hard once you get started," he said. "If Laura were sitting here right now, what would you say to her?"

"You're pretending to be Laura?" He could be so weird sometimes.

"Yup!" Looking both proud and amused with himself, James adjusted his legs and tousled his hair away from his eyes.

He thought he wanted to hear it, did he? He would change his tune soon enough. "Guys suck," she said.

"Excuse me?" His smile faltered.

"I said, Laura," she gave him a very pointed look, "that guys suck."

"Umm...you're right. They totally...er...suck. What else are guys?"

"Jerks."

"Mmhmm." James looked sympathetic.

"Lying, cheating, selfish, perverted dogs."

His eyes were laughing already. "Totally!"

"Hand me a lemon square." He passed it over and pushed the whole plate nearer to her. "They're inconsiderate."

"Without a doubt." The twinkling eyes were joined by a twitching corner of his mouth.

"Stupid. Piggish," she grumbled through a mouthful of crumbs.

"Definitely."

"Slimy. Ugly."

James' smile couldn't be contained much longer. "Anybody looking especially ugly tonight?"

"Matt the rat." Lily took a bite and felt her throat constrict.

"Now we're getting somewhere." His smile disappeared. "What did he do?"

Eyes beginning to throb with a new round of tears, Lily sucked hard on her teeth, unsure if she could bring herself to actually say it.

James tried again. "Did you see Matt in London?"

She nodded. Lucky guess.

"And he ticked you off somehow?"

Nodding once more, Lily's eyes narrowed at her pillow.

"You had a fight?" And the award for 'Greatest Understatement of the Century' goes to...

"You could say that."

"Did he break up with you?"

"I broke up with him!"

Looking quite startled at her vehemence, James was silent.

"He was all stressed about it too! Tried to get me to take him back. As if!" The floodgates were open, and it was all spilling out unchecked. "I saw him with my own two eyes slobbering his tongue all over some fat, trashy, chick! I told him that if he liked that ugly blond so much then he could just go get her to be his girlfriend, since she seemed so eager to please!"

Climbing off of the bed, Lily started pacing in front of the dark window. "And do know what that nasty little pig had the nerve to say to me?" She paused and looked into James' wide eyes. "He said that he didn't really care about her. That she was just a little fling for the summer because he was so lonely pining after me for so long - that he really cared about me. What is that?" Throwing up her hands, she turned back towards the window, mumbling. "I mean, I know guys can be dense, but, come on! Does he really think I'm that much of an idiot?"

Rant ended, Lily pressed her forehead against the cool glass and rubbed at the tears on her cheeks with the back of her hand. She was emotionally winded and couldn't tell whether saying what had happened just made it seem worse, or if it actually helped on some level. Maybe it was both.

"Aww, Lily. He sounds like the idiot." James moved to the edge of the bed and brushed the floor with his feet, as though speculating on whether he ought to try to get up and give her a hug. Lily wondered if he was pleased to know that Matt was out of the way.

Trudging back to the bed, she lay down on her stomach and stuffed the pillow over her head, sniffling. How did James always manage to squeeze her for information like that? She hadn't even wanted to talk about it, and there she was, telling him everything, like he was her best friend or something.

Not saying a word, James moved to sit closer to her, tentatively placing a hand on the middle of her back. Lily sensed that he was half expecting her to flinch or push him away; she didn't have the energy. He began to rub her back in gentle circles, not unlike the way her father used to when she was little. Taking in a deep breath, Lily exhaled, letting her body relax. He brushed a few locks of her hair out the way, and continued - each stroke calming her down both physically and mentally. In need of fresh air, Lily shifted the pillow so that it was under her head, the way a pillow ought to be, and sighed; she must look a mess.

"It's my fault," she murmured.

"It isn't your fault."

"It is. I wasn't a very good girlfriend."

"That's impossible."

The circles changed direction, and Lily nuzzled her pillow.

"How do you know?" He didn't know anything about their relationship.

"I know you."

"Why would he cheat on me if I was a good girlfriend?"

James sighed and drew the rest of her hair away from her neck.

"Because guys like that are never happy with only one girl," he said. "Even when she's the best girl in the world."

Lily rubbed her eyes and lay in silence, trying to swallow what James had said. She couldn't think at all; she felt overwhelmed by a single feeling. "He really hurt me."

"I'm sorry, Lily," James whispered, stroking her hair.

She raised her head to look at him. "Are you really?"

Fingers caught in her tangled hair, he caressed her cheek with his thumb and nodded.

"I thought you'd be happy," Lily said.

"Why would you think that?"

She lowered her cheek back to the pillow. "You've never exactly liked Matt very much."

"I like you, and I hate seeing you hurt." Returning to palming wide circles over her back, James sat in a contemplative silence.

Lily was beginning to feel more comfortable; the tension drained away like water from an overfilled balloon. Her mind began to tick again.

"James? Has a girl ever cheated on you before?"

His body tensed. It was uncommon for her to ask him very personal questions, and Lily knew it. She felt so exposed just then; she wondered if he understood her at all.

"Well," he said at last, "I never really gave anyone the opportunity."

"What do you mean?"

"I've never exactly had an official girlfriend."

Lily's eyes opened and she looked at him, not moving her head. "Are you kidding me? I figured you'd get lots of dates."

"It isn't that." He couldn't hide his discomfort. "I've just never given myself a chance to get all that close to anybody."

"I would never have pegged you for a 'no commitment' type of guy."

"I've just been waiting for the right woman."

Strangely enough, that actually made sense to Lily. Considering way she was feeling at that moment, she had no desire whatsoever to risk her heart again; it would be less painful to wait for someone safe.

"You've never had your heart broken then?" she asked.

His hand came to a rest on her lower back. "Heartbreak can't be confined to romance, Lily; it's too big."

"What do you mean?" Lily was trying to digest the concept.

"It's like love. You can love someone without being romantically interested in them, can't you?"

"Like family or best friends."

"Exactly. Heartbreak can come in a lot of different ways too."

"Like the way Regulus breaks Sirius' heart."

James looked at her with surprise. "Yeah. Like that."

What had happened in James' life that had caused him that kind of pain? Would he tell her? She knew him well enough by now to realise that he wouldn't tell her if she didn't ask. Rolling over, Lily sat up and pushed her tangled hair behind her ears.

"And what broke your heart, James?"

He chewed on his lip for so long that Lily was beginning to think he would ignore her question.

"You don't have to tell me," she said. "I understand."

"No, it's alright." His eyes refocused on hers. "I'm just trying to think of how to explain; I haven't had to in a long time."

"I'm not trying to make you. It's not really my business." If he wanted a way out, she would give it to him.

"I want you to know."

Nodding, Lily waited. James took a deep breath and pushed his hand through his hair.

"A few years back," he began, "right after I left school, my dad was killed...assassinated, actually." He took another breath and continued without meeting Lily's eye. "He was deeply involved in some controversial research. We'd already been in hiding for ages. It got really ugly near the end." Looking back towards her, his eyes softened when he saw the tears rolling down her face. "Oh, Lily. Please don't cry! It's okay."

All of the sudden, Lily's own insignificant problems had been thrown painfully into perspective. How embarrassing that she had ever made a fuss about stupid Matt at all. And there James was, comforting her as she cried over his father's death.

How many ways can a heart break?

On instinct, Lily reached for James and embraced him. She could feel his arms slip around her back in response.

"It was a long time ago," he said. As if that somehow fixed everything.

Could a loss like that ever be fixed? Lily knew that she couldn't begin to fathom the pain that her friend had experienced, and her heart broke for him. What could she possibly say?

"I'm sorry." She really was.

"Thanks." He looked at her with a sad sort of smile. "We've been kind of depressing tonight, haven't we?"

"You should eat a lemon square," she said. "It'll cheer you up." She sounded like her mother.

"There aren't any left." He motioned towards the empty plate.

"How many did you eat?"

"Me?" James raised his eyebrows. "I only had two! You're the one who ate them all."

"Sorry." She wasn't really: they were good. "I'm addicted to sugar."

"That's funny," he said, "because I remember that the first time I came here you were telling your mum that you didn't need sugar since you were already so sweet."

Lily smiled. Where that smile came from, Lily had no idea, but it came nonetheless, forcing its way onto her face. She hadn't thought she would be able to smile again for a long time. James was smiling too.

"How did you remember that?"

James shrugged. "I was paying close attention to you that night."

"I wasn't very nice to you at first, was I?"

"You weren't that bad."

They sat in a comfortable silence, each with their own thoughts.

Something had been agitating Lily's mind off and on for a couple of weeks. She desperately wanted to ask James about it, but it wasn't exactly easy to bring up. Just then however, with Lily being in such an unusual mood, it seemed to ask itself before she gave it much consideration.

"James. I wanted to ask you about something that Sirius said to me in Diagon Alley."

"What did he say?"

"He said that I'm everything to you. What was he talking about?"

Staring at her in surprise, James blinked and swallowed. "Umm..." She rarely caught him so off guard. "Sirius said that to you?"

"He confused me," she said. Picking at the hem of her pillowcase, she added, "He said that you don't love me, but that I mean everything to you. It didn't...I mean...I've been trying to figure it out."

Mouth hanging open and brows scrunched together, James gaped at her statement. She could literally see his brain straining to form an adequate answer. Lily considered giving him a way of escape, but feared that if she lost the chance, she might never get an answer at all.

"Lily. Do you know why we're betrothed?" That seemed a little off-topic. They hadn't mentioned the betrothal since their first meeting in the garden. It was a bit of a touchy subject with Lily.

"Not really," she answered. "My parents told me some different things that didn't make much sense. Either they aren't telling me everything, or they don't understand themselves."

"What did they tell you?" Was he trying to dodge her question?

"They said something about my safety and my rights, which is ridiculous, and then something about a kind of magical profiling to find good mates. The whole thing is so archaic and freaky."

"It was a part of my dad's early research."

"What research?"

"The profiling." James explained. "It's a process that reveals a person's best choice for a good marriage. Centuries ago the last of the true matchmakers died, and the art of magical matchmaking was lost. It's all highly complicated and it took my dad and his team years of steady work to figure out."

Lily was beginning to get interested. "Why would people let something like that die out?"

"Well, it wasn't very popular, was it?" He leaned against the footboard of the bed and shrugged. "I mean, most families that want to arrange a marriage are more interested in bloodlines and political connections than marital bliss. Plus, it only works on little kids. It's no use to adults."

"Why not?" There were plenty of people out there searching for their true love.

"Adults' souls are too well hidden. They've spent too many years creating the image of themselves that they want others to see. There's no way to get a good reading." That made a whole heck of a lot more sense than when her parents had tried to tell her.

"So, you're saying that our parents did this matchmaking thing on us?"

"Technically," he said, "my parents did it on me, and it pointed to you."

"That's great and everything, but why not just give us that little piece of information and let us make our own decisions?"

"I think they would have done that if they weren't so scared."

"Of what?"

"You know how there are some wizards that hate everything to do with Muggles?" Of course she did - she was a Muggle-born witch after all. "Well, that's not exactly a new problem, and over the centuries there's been swings in popular support for that position. About fifteen years ago, things looked really bad for Muggles and for Muggle-born witches and wizards."

He had Lily's full attention.

"For example," he said, "there was this faction, led by a nasty little witch named Madam Maliflua, that almost managed to force through a bill at the ministry that would have made Muggle-hunting legal."

"What! Killing people for fun?" People that perverted actually existed?

"And that's just the tip of the iceberg. A lot of Muggle-borns were terrified that they were going to lose all of their rights and maybe even their lives." With a deep breath, as though steeling himself, James continued to explain. "But, as a Muggle-born witch, as long as you're bound to a wizard who's considered 'pure-blooded', you're guaranteed all of the rights that any other 'pure-blooded' witch would have, regardless of the political climate."

"Bound?" What kind of binding?

"By marriage or marriage contract."

"Or Wizarding Betrothal?"

He nodded. "They wanted to protect you."

The puzzle was beginning to piece together. Of course she could see her parents getting scared and trying to keep her safe; she didn't, however, have to like it.

"But the world isn't dangerous like that anymore."

"It's getting there again," he said.

"I'm not a baby now; I can take care of myself."

"The contract is signed, Lily." It was a gentle statement, loaded with simple finality. Lily wouldn't accept it.

"Every contract can be broken."

James paled somewhat and looked down. "That's true."

"Thank you for explaining so much to me tonight. Mum and Dad never told me that stuff."

When he only nodded, she continued. "You know that you haven't answered my first question."

"Which one was that?"

"About what Sirius said..."

James appeared wholly absorbed in lacing his fingers. "I know I could never be as happy with anyone as I could be with you," he said. "I've been waiting a long time for you. You mean a lot to me."

That humble statement would replay in her mind for many nights down the road. It was a simple answer to a complicated question, and she knew that it probably cost him a great deal to say it. Would she have been so candid herself? She still had questions, but those could wait.

"Lily, how am I doing?" James wasn't looking at her, and his voice was just above a whisper.

"With what?" Lily wondered.

"With our deal."

Was he asking her if she was falling in love with him? On the same day she had just broken up with her boyfriend? What kind of question was that?

"How can I answer that, James?"

"Truthfully." He looked up at her. "Please."

"I'm not in love with you, if that's what you mean."

"I'm not asking you to love me just yet," he said.

"What do you want to know then?"

"Do you think that maybe you hate me a little less than you did at first?"

"I never hated you." Did he really think that?

"Then you had me fooled sometimes."

"I didn't want to admit that you could be nice," Lily admitted.

"And I proved you wrong?" James was smirking again. Good old James.

"From what Sirius has told me," she said, smirking right back, "lately you've been on the best behaviour of your life."

He chuckled, relaxing, and said, "Maybe. Does that discourage you?"

"I don't really care so much anymore." She reclined back against her pillow. "You're already my friend."

"You don't mind if your friends misbehave?" He was playing with her again, but she was still feeling focused.

"It depends," she suggested.

"How's that?"

"Well, take Matt for example. He might not use the word 'misbehave' but that's all he thinks he's done. He'll argue that it was just bad judgement or something."

"Would you ever take him back?" James asked.

"I don't think I can ever even be friends with Matt again. He really crossed the line. I'll never be able to trust him."

"I almost forgot that's where we started tonight; with 'Matt the rat'."

"We had better things to talk about than my idiot ex-boyfriend."

"You know, Lily, I'm not sure how many more of your boyfriends I can take."

"You're happy Matt's out of the picture, aren't you?"

"I'm sorry," he said, nodding in assent.

"I'm not." She was glad to get rid of Matt before she had gotten too close.

"Lily." James looked nervous. "I wondered if you would do something for me."

"Sure."

"You don't know what it is yet."

"Try me." She was no longer in the mood to be difficult.

"I wondered if, this year at school... if you would hold off on dating."

Whoa. Lily hadn't been quite prepared for that one. Would he let her brush it off?

Her voice dripping in sarcasm, Lily laughed uncomfortably. "Oh, well, you know that Matt was so great and all I just can't hardly wait to try it again. Besides there's this line of guys out to the street waiting to get together with me!"

"I'm serious Lily." He wasn't going to let her dodge the question. "Eventually you'll forget about him, and somebody else will ask you out. I'm just asking you now to say 'no' for a little while."

"Why does it make a difference what I say?" she asked.

James gave her a long look. "Because," he said, "it would really mean a lot to me if I could be the next man to kiss you."