Wizarding Betrothal

Chapter 21: Jagged Little Pill

Benjamin jumped up like the bed was full of hot coals, his wide eyes fixed on James. Startled confusion was blooming on his face.

Holding her breath, Lily closed her eyes; she couldn't believe what was happening. Her pounding heart was likely to explode.

"Are you okay, Lily?" James asked in a low voice. At last she turned to see him framed in the doorway; his wand was aimed at Benjamin, whom he was watching closely.

Lily's mind spun helplessly as her nerves threatened to overload. She laid her hands flat on the bedspread to calm their trembling. "What are you doing?" she asked.

Blinking, he glanced at her. "I'm, er...saving you," he said.

"Saving me?" she repeated. "From what?" Lily tried to control her chattering jaw.

"I couldn't find you," he explained. "This girl told me she saw some guy dragging you upstairs. So I thought...I thought you were in trouble. I was worried about you."

"Well, stop it, okay? I don't need you to be worried about me." The whole situation was so mortifying; Lily just wished everyone would vanish.

"I couldn't help worrying," James retorted. "She said he took you upstairs..."

"It's not like upstairs is some dangerous place," she argued. "There are lots of people upstairs."

"They aren't up here for the conversation, Lily." James' eyes narrowed at Benjamin.

"So what?" she spat out. "That doesn't give you the right to barge in here like this." He was embarrassing her more than she could have thought possible. "And put your wand down, will you? You're so over dramatic."

"What's going on, Lily? Why are you in here?" James wanted an explanation - of course he did. But Lily's state of mind was far too volatile for her to come up with a decent story.

"Why do you care?" Lily asked. "I thought you were busy with your friends." Her trembling hands were getting worse, and she balled them into fists, pressing her knuckles into the mattress.

"What? I was only gone for a minute, and when I came back you were gone. I've been looking all over for you. I was worried sick."

Lily felt like a caged tiger, itching to lash out; she needed to walk around, clear out her head, get her blood circulating; but in the cramped, cluttered room, there wasn't any place to go. Her inner tiger was nervous and growling.

"I can take care of myself," Lily snarled. "Would you stop hovering over me like a stuffy big brother?"

"Like a...oh, come on Lily, that's not fair," James said.

"No. Do you know what's not fair?" Lily asked, standing up. "What's not fair is that everybody keeps trying to run my life for me. But that is over with," she announced. The agitated tiger was crouching for the attack. "From now on, my life is up to me - nobody else. If I want to visit upstairs bedrooms with a dozen guys, I can do it, and it's none of your business!"

James didn't appear impressed. "Did he try anything with you?" he asked.

Wasn't he listening? "Like I said, that's none of your business."

"Summers?" James growled menacingly, redirecting his attention to Benjamin.

"I, um...we were just, er..."

Lily interrupted Benjamin's non-response. "Do you really want to know?" she asked. "Huh? Fine. Benji is so dangerous." The tiger sprang into action and, mid-leap, there wasn't any turning back. "You know what he did? He let me kiss him." James blanched in shock; apparently he hadn't quite expected that. "That's right, James. I kissed him. And I liked it, too. So what are you going to do about it?" What was he going to do? That was the real question spiralling through her mind.

James stared helplessly, trying to piece together what she had just said. His wand lowered, forgotten. "Lily. I...I don't understand." He looked so wretched - so heartbroken.

Lily's throat constricted. "That's just it, James. You never understand. You just don't get it. I'm not a little girl, but everybody's always treating me like one. I don't need you to baby-sit me; I don't need to be rescued from Benji; and I sure don't need to anybody to pick my husband for me."

James was shaking his head - he didn't want to believe it. "You promised that you would keep an open mind about this, Lily." His voice was rising, and his fists were clenching. "You promised! But you haven't, have you? You never even tried."

"I did try." Didn't she?

"No you didn't!" James shouted. Growling, he pulled at his hair and turned away from her. Forcing his breathing back under control, he faced her again. "And then you promised that you wouldn't date anybody but me. Do you remember that, Lily? Let me refresh your memory," he added harshly. "It was just after you dumped your boyfriend who cheated on you. You'd walked in on him snogging another girl and it broke your heart. Does that sound familiar?"

Lily's heart stopped. She was just like Matt. She wanted to throw up. "James, I..."

"I trusted you, Lily," he interrupted. "I trusted you!" James was back to pulling out his hair and not looking at her. "All along," he continued, pacing in the doorway, "All along, Regulus Black has been telling me that you were cheating on me, but I didn't believe it." He stopped to scrutinise her, his eyes dark. "For once he was telling the truth, wasn't he? You promised me!" he shouted again. "You promised. But you didn't mean it. You were just trying to brush me off, like you've been doing all year," he laughed hollowly. "I can see that now."

"James..."

"Don't worry, Lily, I understand perfectly."

"You don't understand anything," Lily defended. "You're just trying to force something that's never going to happen."

"Never?"

"We tried it, James, and it didn't work," she said. He'd been forced to pick her, but Lily wasn't going to let that continue. "I'm not going to marry you. You've just been following me around, and making me stressed out all year for nothing. If you actually cared about me, you'd see that and leave me alone." She just couldn't handle one more day of watching him try to make himself feel something for her. It was too much.

Nodding, James rubbed his face and leaned an arm against the doorframe. "You want me to leave you alone?" he said.

"What do you think?" Lily whispered, not trusting her voice any farther.

He nodded again. "I see how it is."

Lily squinted. Did he really? Because she wasn't sure she did. As she watched him for what seemed like an eternity, she couldn't think of anything except how pitiful he looked, and how she just wanted to give him a big hug and tell him everything was going to be alright. But she couldn't do that - it was too dangerous. If she did, she might end up apologising, and then they'd make up, and then her peculiar feelings for him would get even stronger, and that could only lead to heartbreak. If he really wanted her, she needed him to prove it; to make the first move; to show her that she was truly important to him. She needed him to protect her heart. Why did she have to be such a coward?

"I want you to be happy, Lily," he said at last. "You obviously don't believe that, but it's true. Sorry for making you so miserable."

Miserable? Miserable wasn't quite the word she would use. Uncomfortable, sure. Annoyed, sometimes. Scared, definitely. But never miserable.

"If you've already made up your mind," James added, "I guess there isn't anything else for me then."

"What do you mean?"

"Good bye, Lily," he said. "I'll leave you alone like you want. Remus will take you home."

And with a pop, James was gone. With that pop, a horrible, hollow pain washed over Lily. He wasn't really gone, was he? Wasn't James going to stay and fight for her? Didn't he care enough to put in some effort?

Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't...oh, dear; it was going to be a lot harder than she thought. Breathing was suddenly so difficult, and a tense pang was engulfing her stomach, moving upwards into her throat. She wasn't going to cry.

Lily reached for Benjamin; at least he could comfort her. But he backed away, stumbling over a Beater's bat and steadying himself with a hand on the cluttered dresser.

"His fiancée?" he sputtered in disbelief.

"Not anymore." Obviously. James didn't want her.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

She looked at the carpet and shrugged, sucking hard on her teeth. Why hadn't she told him? Lily couldn't really say.

"Lily?" he demanded. He wasn't going to let her off the hook that easily.

Swallowing hard, Lily sat back down on the bed. "I didn't tell very many people," she said. "Just Laura, and my friend Mike." The tension in her chest was becoming unbearable.

"Didn't it ever occur to you that I might like to know that you were engaged?" Lily had never seen Benjamin so furious; he was pacing back and forth across the small room, carelessly walking over the junk strewn across the floor.

No wonder James didn't want her - she was a horrible friend. Cringing all over, she smoothed her skirt, feeling particularly small. "There was never a good chance to tell you." What a pathetic excuse.

Stopping to face her, Benjamin looked incredulous. "Seems like one of the hundreds of times that I asked you out might have been convenient."

Where was a good rock to crawl under when a girl needed one? "It wasn't hundreds," she whispered.

"It felt like it! Do you have any idea how much grief I could have saved myself if I'd known you were taken?"

"I'm not taken," she defended, her temper rising again, "and I never was."

"Engaged is the same as taken, Lily," he argued hotly.

"It's not really being engaged unless I agree to it, and I never said yes." Standing once again, Lily moved towards him. "My parents planned it all out for me. I only found out last summer."

"You could have told me, Lily," he said, stomping away from her, to the other side of the room. "I would have backed off."

"But I didn't want that."

"So you just wanted to make me think I actually had a chance if I could hold out long enough."

"No, I didn't do that." Lily wrapped her arms around herself.. Don't cry. Don't cry. She swallowed at the burning in her throat.

"You did, Lily. You couldn't make up your mind, so you made sure to string me along until you knew what you wanted. You could have told me, you know. Didn't you think I would understand? Aren't we friends?"

"I'm sorry, Ben," she murmured, gripping her arms painfully. "I'm really sorry. Of course we're friends. I know I should have told you, but I was so confused about the whole thing. Until last year, I'd never even heard of a Wizarding Betrothal, it was hard to get used to, and I wasn't comfortable talking about it."

Benjamin stopped pacing and looked up. "Did you say it's a Wizarding Betrothal?"

Lily clamped her eyes shut, trying to wring the burning from her eyes.

"Not just an arranged marriage," he confirmed, "but a Wizarding Betrothal."

"Yes, Benjamin." Couldn't he just forgive her already?

"As in, with a binding magical contract?"

Lily nodded again.

"Sweet mother of Merlin, Lily!"

"What's wrong?"

Benjamin looked at her like she had several heads. "Lily, what were you thinking? You can't just decide not to follow through with a magical contract. I can't believe Potter didn't hex my guts out on the spot!"

"Who cares about the stupid contract?" she wondered. The contract itself was the furthest thing from her mind.

Benjamin shook his head in disbelief. "I imagine Potter cares about it. And you would too if you were any kind of friend at all."

Of course she was a horrible friend; they'd already established that. Couldn't they just get on with the forgiving part?

"You know what?" he added, "You aren't the girl I thought you were." Benjamin headed for the door. "I can't even believe this," he muttered. "I'm out of here. See you next autumn, Evans."

And then she was alone. Completely. Photo Lily was still cheering happily and hugging Benjamin. Real life Lily found herself sitting back down on the bed in shock. What had just happened?

Breathing heavily, Lily massaged her neck, trying to think - trying, but not quite managing it. A thousand weights were pressing down, suffocating her, killing her. Quite suddenly, Lily couldn't take it any more. She had to move.

Bolting through the door and down the hall, Lily rushed past a snogging couple, past a tower of empty butterbeer bottles, past a cloud of rainbow bubbles. She pushed her way through the house in a hasty search for an exit. She couldn't think of anything she wanted more than to get home. Squeezing through a heavy door, Lily rushed out onto the front lawn, only to stop short in horror.

Apart from the humongous house itself, there wasn't a light to be seen. Rigolets Park was smack dab in the middle of nowhere. Her spiralling mind slammed to a screeching halt as she realised that she had flooed there - she could be anywhere in the world. She didn't exactly have a stash of floo powder tucked in her shoe. How was she supposed to get home?

Don't cry. Don't panic. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Stay calm. How to get home? Think, Lily, think! Maybe she could beg some floo powder off of somebody in the parlour.

James had managed to find a wizard owned, Muggle inn, located in an older part of town, where the innkeepers were nice enough to let Lily, James, and Remus borrow their floo connection for the evening. If Lily could just get back to the inn, she could make it home from there - she was sure of it.

The parlour was still bottlenecked beyond belief, but Lily was small and impolite. It didn't take too long to find the fireplace, where she also found a little bit of luck. Someone's tin of floo powder had dropped near the hearth, and the glittery powder dusted several feet of carpet, billowing up around her ankles as she stepped on it. Mindful of her short skirt, Lily reached down, managed to scrape together a handful of floo powder, and thrust it into the fire. "Schweggmann's Inn," she called, and then stepped into the green flames.

A few moments later, Lily fell gracelessly out of a cold hearth and onto her knees. The inn was dark and chilly, her knees hurt, and she could barely breathe. Clutching at the rug, painful sobs began wracking her body. She wasn't going to cry. She wasn't going to cry...but she did anyway.

James hated her, and Benjamin did too. She'd been dumped by two guys at once - and it hurt like a kick in the head.

Lily had used Benjamin; as she cried into the darkness, she could see that. He had every right to hate her guts. He'd flirted and sweet-talked her, and she'd batted her eyes right back - just enough to keep him around to stroke her ego. He'd been fun, and he'd been safe. She was finally acknowledging it, but it was too late; he had already looked right through her and gagged at the sight.

And James...oh, James...It was too painful to even think about him. Pressing her palms into her eyes, Lily tried to steady her breathing, but it was hopeless. All along, she'd fought James tooth and nail, even though she wanted him so badly. She'd been afraid of letting him hurt her, and in the end, she'd hurt herself. The price of cowardice was high indeed.

She could do whatever she wanted, sure, but there had to be consequences to swallow, and it was a jagged pill to take. Lily had been determined that she wouldn't answer to anyone. In the end, she still had to answer to herself, and that was a lot harder than she would have expected.

Heaving herself to her feet, Lily fumbled her way through the black sitting room to the back door. Without a wand she couldn't lock it behind her, like the innkeepers had requested. She just couldn't do anything right.

Lily wiped at her face and nose while she surveyed the street. She knew exactly where she was, but it was going to be an awfully long walk home - it would have been a long way even with her skateboard - and the creepy darkness didn't exactly help her feel very safe. Leaning against a telephone box, Lily sniffled and pulled off her shoe, dropping a warm coin into her hand.

Over breakfast that morning, Lily's father had issued an annoying lecture about how she should always carry enough change for a phone call, and that she should never be afraid to call home, no matter how much trouble she found herself in. Well, she was in trouble - without a doubt - but she sure didn't want to call home.

Slipping the coin into the slot, Lily dialled Mike's number, taking deep steadying breaths and crossing her fingers that he would be home.

"Hi, Mr. Johnson. It's Lily Evans. I'm really sorry to call so late." What time was it anyway? "Could I please talk to Mike?" Terrific. Mr. Johnson would tell her parents that she'd phoned in the middle of the night, and they would know something unusual happened. Prepare for the interrogation. She pressed the door shut, and sucked her teeth hard until Mike picked up the line.

"Hey," she whispered, her voice beginning to falter. "Hey, um, I was wondering if I could, um..." Breathe, Lily, breathe. "Can you pick me up?" she finally squeaked. Why did she have to start crying again at the worst time? Yet again, she was raising the standard of being hopelessly pathetic.

Lily could hear him talking into her ear as she tried to swallow the insistent sobs stifling her speech. What happened, Lil? Of course he would be right there - just tell him where "there" was. Was she in a safe place? Take a deep breath, Lil. Calm down. Was she hurt? Where was she calling from? Everything was going to be okay.

Biting her lip, she swallowed her unruly emotional outburst. "Do you know where Schweggmann's Inn is at?" she choked out. "By the old car park? Yeah. I'm in the phone box." Mike was already out the door.

It would take him a few minutes to get there, she knew, and she slid down to sit on the floor of the cramped box to wait. She felt exhausted, embarrassed, and heartbroken - all in one lovely little bundle. Nothing had gone right at all. And it was all her own fault. A fine layer of floo powder was covering her shoes, and she smeared it around with her index finger. Fat lot of fun that party had turned out to be.

The evening had begun with a liberating swell of personal independence. She'd ended up independent alright - independent and alone in a telephone box, nobody else in sight. It wasn't exactly the sort of independence she'd had in mind.

A wad of chewed gum was stuck to the glass near her head, and she wrinkled her nose. She felt like a piece of chewing gum. Leaving the house, she'd been nice and neat, inside and out, but now she felt like a chewed-up and spat-out wreck.

Some movement attracted her attention to a shadowy alley nearby, and she balled her fists, trying to stop them from shaking with her worn-out nerves. There probably wasn't anybody there, but Lily didn't have her wand on her. She wasn't allowed to do magic at home yet, and James was always around to do magic for her, so why bother to carry it. But James wasn't there anymore.

Lily shifted so that her feet were wedged against the door. As if that was going to keep anybody out. Why hadn't she worn her comfortable blue jeans? They were so much more practical, but she just had to be stylish, didn't she?

A rat scurried out of the alley and crawled up to the box; Lily slapped her hand against the glass, hoping to startle it away. Flinching at the sound, the rat stared directly at her before scuttling off to a smelly bin on the corner. It was so creepy and disgusting. It was still watching her too. Didn't rats bite? Maybe it was a vicious killer rat that would charge her down when she came out of the phone box.

One time she'd seen a movie where psychotic birds swarmed innocent people and pecked them to death. They'd attacked a woman in a phone box. Rats seemed more dangerous than birds. And she was in a phone box, too. Lily scanned the area for more rats. They were probably hiding - waiting for her to come out. Hopefully Mike's car was working well enough to make a speedy get away. Cars were much faster than rats. Unless they were magical rats. Then she would really be in trouble.

Hundreds of magical rats poised to attack, and Lily didn't have her wand. Stupid, Lily. Just plain stupid. Couldn't she ever think ahead? Couldn't she ever just use her brain and think things out? Not likely. Maybe she should just let the rats have her. She couldn't do any more damage that way. She wouldn't hurt anymore if she were dead. The rats were starting to sound a lot friendlier.

An irregular rumbling approached, and bright lights swept the street; Lily stood up awkwardly and straightened her skirt while Mike dashed from the car. He thrust the telephone box's door open and grabbed Lily into a ferocious, two-armed hug.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

Lily nodded into his shirt, but her gasping breath and shaking shoulders betrayed her. Rubbing her back, he said, "I was worried about you. This isn't a very safe neighbourhood to get yourself stranded in, Lil."

"I'm sorry," she mumbled into his T-shirt.

"Don't be sorry," her friend whispered. "It's not your fault."

If only that were true...