The Adventures of Larry Porter

Dirk, the one-eyed messenger owl, was happy; he was just finishing up a large rat that had made the mistake of wandering too close to his perch. One last crunch and that was it, no more rat! Life was good for Dirk.

Life was not so good at the moment for Dirk's companion in the room, a certain Mr. Larry Porter. Larry sat at a table in the center of the room, surrounded by his luggage and other personal belongings. It looked as if the old fuds who ran the school were going to send him packing, just because of that incident with the sorting hat puppet. Larry had made up his mind that if he ever found that puppeteer, he was going to kick the dog-shit out of him. He had been placed in this room by the two wizards who had dragged him out of the great hall. He had been told that he was to wait here for professor Dumbledore.

The door banged open and a visibly upset Patty Disbro entered the room.

"How could you? What kind of an idiot are you?"

"Patty I..."

"Shut up! You have disgraced yourself and me. I wish I had never met you! You've brought nothing but trouble to my life! I hate you, I hate you I hate you!"

"Patty, I've always found that in situations like this it's best not to hold anything back, tell me how you really feel," said Larry with that usual wise-guy smirk on his face.

Fortunately for Larry, he was very agile, and with relative ease he was able to dodge the vase that Patty threw at him. Just as she grabbed a silver goblet for her next projectile,

Dumbledore entered the room.

"Miss Disbro, please refrain from denting Mr. Porter's head with that particular goblet, it is quite valuable," said the kindly old man, a warm smile on his face.

What Patty did next took Larry completely by surprise; he never would have expected it of her. She began to cry. It was a deep sobbing cry, almost like a moan.

"Oh professor, please don't kick me out! I know I was supposed to watch him, I know you trusted me. I didn't realize what a rotten little bastard he really is! Please give me another chance, oh please, please, please," she wailed.

Professor Dumbledore took the crying girl in his arms and comforted her. Larry thought that the professor might be comforting her a little too much, but he decided not to say anything.

"Now, now Miss Disbro, no one is going to kick you out of Hogwarts. Dry your tears my dear and please wait in the next room while I have a chat with Mr. Porter."

Patty accepted the tissue that Dumbledore offered her and turned to leave the room. As she reached the door she looked back to give Larry a withering look, a look that made him twitch with nervousness.

"Well, well Mr. Porter, you have set a Hogwarts record. You are the very first student in the history of our school to receive detention before the end of the Sorting Banquet."

"Detention, you mean I'm not kicked out?"

"No, no indeed, you are not kicked out, and I imagine that your detention will be limited to one week only."

"How come I'm not getting kicked out?"

"You sound as if you want to be kicked out Mr. Porter. Do you really want to go back to the Pusswillows and then to reform school?"

"No, no I don't want to go back there. I just don't understand why you are letting me stay is all."

"You are entitled to an explanation Mr. Porter. Please have a seat and I will see if I can clear things up for you."

Larry seated himself at a small table, across from the professor; for once in his life he was ready to pay attention to what someone else had to say.

"As you already know, you are the first cousin of Harry Potter who is also a student here. I'm sure that the importance of Harry Potter to the wizarding world is lost on you Larry. It's not that you are ignorant, you are just obtuse, lost in your own little world of petty criminal activities."

"Hey I..."

"Now, now Larry, don't be offended. You can't help being what you are."

"But I'm not obtuse."

"Oh please Larry, you don't even know what obtuse means," said Dumbledore with a chuckle.

"I could look it up!"

"That's not important Larry. What is important is how you figure into Harry's life, and to his continued safety."

"What have I got to do with that?"

"If you will be quiet for a few minutes I'll explain things to you."

"Where is Patty? Why can't she be in here with me?"

"Do you really think that Miss Disbro wants to be in here with you now? Do you really think that she even wants to talk to you again? You have totally embarrassed her; you will have to beg her forgiveness."

"I didn't mean to embarrass her. I like Patty a lot. She's been a big help to me. She's smart and kind and..."

"And she has a great rack," said the Professor with a knowing wink.

"Well, I... I never noticed."

"Never noticed? Not even on the train when you were practicing magic?"

"How did you know about that?"

"We've been monitoring you for some time Larry. Your criminal activities were abhorrent to us of course, but we needed someone who is tough and clever, to fulfill our needs. After we saw how powerful your magic is, we knew that you were the one we wanted."

"I still don't understand, I... I... I want Patty to come back in. I want to tell her I'm sorry, I want her to be here with me."

"That would be best Larry. It is extremely important to the wizarding world that you and Miss Disbro work closely together on a special assignment that we have for you two. It's important and could be very dangerous. You will have to rely heavily on her as she will have to rely on you. It's paramount that you put aside your differences to accomplish this task. I will go fetch Miss Disbro."

"No professor, please. Let me go. I need to say something to her in private."

"As you wish my boy."

Larry walked over to the next room and approached Patty who was sitting on a small sofa, staring out the window.

"Patty."

"What do you want? I don't want to talk to you ever again!"

"Please Patty, I need to say something. It's not like you to refuse to listen to someone, even if it's a rotten little bastard like me."

Patty tried to laugh and cry at the same time and almost choked. "Oh go ahead, say what you have to say, it won't make any difference though, I am disgusted with you, I am done with you."

"Patty, you didn't yell at me and the boys when we saw your boobies in the back yard that time. You didn't complain when they assigned you to help me get everything I needed to come to school at Hogwarts. You have been patient and understanding with me when no one else would have. You have forgiven me when I didn't deserve it. You are the closest thing to a true friend that I have ever had. I think that if we weren't friends anymore I would really feel that I had lost something important. I've never said this to anyone before, but I truly am sorry for anything that I have done to embarrass you and I'm asking you to forgive me. If you do forgive me, it really would help to pull this day out of the toilet for me."

Patty looked at him in amazement. She couldn't believe that he was actually acting like a human being. But that was just it, he probably was just acting, she thought.

"If you don't want to help me anymore Patty, I understand, but it seems to be important to Professor Dumbledore. He says he has a special assignment for us and it's real important. But it's going to take both of us, working together. Do it for him if for no other reason."

She looked at him with utter disdain. What had she gotten herself into? She knew from the beginning what kind of person he was. She should have listened to her father. Oh sweet Merlin, she couldn't believe she had just thought that; listen to her father; that was the very last thing in the world she wanted to do.

"Larry, you are an embarrassment to the Muggle world. I am sure that you will also bring disgrace to the wizarding world. You have no discipline, you are spoiled and you are accustomed to having people fear you. Well it's a new Quidditch match now mister, you will find people here who can stomp you like a bug and laugh about it over a glass of butterbeer."

She looked deep into his eyes to see if any of what she was saying was sinking in. She really hated this little twerp, but she also new what her response would be to any task that Dumbledore might assign her.

"You have, however, pressed the right button when you bring Professor Dumbledore into this. I would do anything for him."

"Does that mean you will still help me? Can we be friends? Professor Dumbledore has something he wants to say to us."

"I will still help you; we will not be friends. I'd sooner trust a snake. Let's go see what Professor Dumbledore has to say."

"Gee Patty you'd think you could give a guy a break."

She grabbed him by the robes and pulled him towards her.

"Break? Did you say break? The only thing that is going to break is your spine if you ever pull another stunt like you did at the sorting ceremony. Do you get me?"

If Larry hadn't been on the verge of wetting himself he probably would have told her off, big time. As it was, all he could manage was a meek, "sure Patty, sure."

She released him and with a swirl of her robes headed out the door, back to see the professor. Larry ran to catch up with her.

When they entered the other room, Dumbledore spoke. "Everything all patched up?" he asked.

Larry lowered his head and Patty just pretended like she didn't hear Dumbledore's question.

Dumbledore rose to speak. "As I have already told Larry, The Ministry of Magic has an assignment for the both of you. It is important that you be able to work together. Will you be able to work together?"

"If it's something for The Ministry of Magic, I could work with a cockroach, or an even lower form of life, like Larry," said Patty, smiling.

"Thanks for that vote of confidence Patty," said a disgruntled Larry. "Yes professor, we can work together."

"Excellent, excellent. Lets all have a seat, some tea, and I'll explain to you what your assignment is."

Almost immediately, a house elf entered the room pushing a cart that held a pot of hot tea, cups, and those fudge covered cookies that Dumbledore was especially fond of. The elf served the three and quickly left the room.

Dumbledore finished his third cookie before he began to speak. He went into a detailed explanation of the importance of Harry Potter to the wizarding world. How he had in fact saved the wizarding world when as a baby he had defeated Voldemort. Patty of course already knew the story of Harry Potter but she sat there and hung on every word as Dumbledore retold it.

"Okay professor, I understand that my cousin is a big wheel to you people, but how do Patty and I enter into this?"

"You seem to forget Larry; you are a part of the wizarding world also. Harry potter should be important to you too."

"Okay, okay, just tell me what Patty and I are supposed to do."

"Protecting Harry Potter's life is in the best interest of us all. So far, he alone has shown the ability to thwart Voldemort in his quest to rule our world."

"Voldemort, didn't you say that he was destroyed by Harry?" asked Larry.

"I personally do not believe that he is gone forever," replied Dumbledore.

Patty let out a gasp upon hearing Dumbledore say this.

"So you see Larry, it is paramount that Harry be allowed to develop his magical powers. He must survive and grow stronger so that if Voldemort ever returns we will have the strongest defense possible to protect our world. You Larry will be groomed to be Harry Potter's bodyguard when he is outside of Hogwarts."

"Bodyguard, I kind of like the sound of that," said Larry.

"Larry, shut up and let the professor finish,' admonished Patty.

"You will be ideal for this assignment Larry. We believe that your magical powers are very strong and we will train you on how use them and how best to protect Harry. You can also easily move around in the Muggle world, which will be of tremendous value when Harry is not at Hogwarts. You see Larry, from now on, when school is not in session, you will be living with Harry and the Dursleys at number 4 Privet Drive in Little Winging."

"Oh shit," said Patty.

"Oh shit indeed," replied the professor.

"Wow, that's a heavy load to dump on me Professor," said Larry.

"Yes it is Larry. That's why we want Miss Disbro to work closely with you. She will give you extra instruction in the use of your powers and she will also be teaching you about the various nuances of the wizarding world. Miss Disbro will also be moving, to an apartment near the Dursleys, when school is not in session."

"My own place, wow that is so cool! Wonder what my dad will say?"

"Your father didn't have a problem with it until he found out that you would be living near Larry. For some reason he hates Larry. He finally agreed to allow it though, as long as we keep Larry, as your father put it, on a short leash."

Patty explained to Dumbledore the circumstances that caused her father to have ill feelings towards Larry. The professor listened intently, with a look of envy on his face.

"It doesn't sound like coming to Hogwarts is going to be much fun for me. It sounds like I'm going to be working my butt off," groused Larry.

"Yes Larry, you will be busy indeed. We have, however, decided to throw a few perks your way. You see Larry; we don't want you to lose your edge. We want you to remain the criminal little bastard you have always been. We feel that it will better enable you to protect Harry if you are not too far removed from your natural environment," explained Dumbledore.

"What kind of perks?" Larry asked.

"Well, the first being that you have been sorted into Hufflepuff house. They are and have always been a bunch of pussies," said Dumbledore with a chuckle. "You will no doubt be running that house, even though you are a first year, in no time at all." "You will also be given unrestricted access to all areas of Hogwarts castle, excluding the girl's dorms, girls bath rooms, teachers quarters, and my quarters of course."

"Glad you included that last part professor, no girl would be safe," said Patty.

Larry gave Patty a cold glare as Dumbledore continued.

"You will also be allowed to go to Hogsmeade any time you wish," said Dumbledore.

"Oh wow," said Patty.

"What's Hogsmeade?" asked Larry.

"It's a village near here. First years have never been allowed to go there," explained Patty.

"The only stipulation on your Hogsmeade visits is that Miss Disbro must accompany you," said Dumbledore.

Patty liked that last stipulation very much. She enjoyed going to Hogsmeade and partying it up.

"That's pretty much it. Do either of you have any questions?" asked Dumbledore.

"One thing professor, what about the detention I am supposed to serve?" said Larry.

"Ah yes. If you don't serve some sort of detention I'm afraid it will cause hard feelings among your fellow students, and also with some of the teachers. I think that a week helping the house elves in the kitchen, after classes, will suffice. What do you think?"

"I suppose so," pouted Larry.

"Very well then, I will send two of our new employees down here to help you move your things to your quarters.

"Employees, you mean other than instructors or Hagrid?" asked Patty.

"Yes, these are very special employees, hired especially to accommodate Larry. They are Muggles."

"Muggles, why Muggles?" asked Patty.

"Well, it was determined that Hogwarts was likely to be a very lonely place for Larry. Can you imagine anyone wanting to actually talk to him or be his friend?" asked Dumbledore.

"Hey...I..." started Larry.

"So we decided to bring to the school some people who Larry is already familiar with. People, who for whatever reason, consider him to be their friend; two people whose only other option was reform school, Larry's friends Stuffer and the Beetle. They will be stable hands and general gofers."

"Stuffer and the Beetle, that's great!" yelled Larry.

"Oh sweet Merlin, no," said Patty, covering her mouth with her hands.

"There, there Miss Disbro. It will all work out," Dumbledore assured her.

"Well then Larry, I believe that is all I have for now. In the mean time, I shall escort Miss Disbro back to Gryffindor."

"Okay. See you later Patty."

"We can get together tomorrow at breakfast and discuss some things that I feel will be important for you to learn," said Patty.

Larry nodded his head in agreement. He couldn't help but smile when he saw the kindly old professor give Patty an affectionate squeeze on the bum as they left the room.