The Adventures of Larry Porter

Larry sat up and stretched. He had slept well; his bed at The Leaky Cauldron had surprised him in its comfort. He got up, scratched himself and wondered if he could get a cup of coffee at this time of the morning. He looked around the room and saw his school supply list laying on the nightstand. He picked it up and checked it over to confirm that he had purchased everything that he needed for school. The only thing that he didn't get yesterday was an owl. Patty had told him not to buy one; he didn't know why.

A soft knock on the door got his attention and he ambled over to answer it. It was Patty, looking just as pretty in the morning as she had the night before. She looked Larry up and down with a not totally displeased expression on her face.

"I notice that you seem pleased to see me, Larry. Now go put your pants on!"

"Oops, sorry about that!" lied Larry.

He strolled over to the bed to retrieve his clothes and get dressed as Patty came in and closed the door. When he turned around, he was surprised to see what she had placed on the table.

"Larry, this is Dirk, your owl. He has been in our family for years and I'm giving him to you. He is mean, nasty, ill mannered and not at all a pleasure to be around. In other words, he is a perfect match for you. Daddy and Mum dropped him off this morning with the rest of our things."

Larry took one look at the bird and let out a laugh. The animal was huge, twice the size of the largest barn owl in the Muggle world. The creature's left eye was missing, one of his talons was broken off and apparently several of his tail feathers had been lost in flight somewhere.

"Here chickie chickie chickie..." Larry started to say as he put his finger between the bars of Dirk's cage.

"I wouldn't do..." Patty began in warning, but it was too late.

"Ouch! The bloody bird took a hunk out of me," said Larry holding up a bleeding finger.

"Dirk may not look like much, Larry, but he is highly intelligent. He knows if you are being disrespectful to him. He is not like other messenger owls; he is highly aggressive and will attack anything or anyone who is threatening him or maligning him," explained Patty.

"How did he lose his eye?" asked Larry, while sucking his finger.

"Daddy says that many years ago, Dirk was attacked by a wildcat while he was trying to deliver a letter to Professor Dumbledore, the headmaster of Hogwarts. During the course of the struggle, Dirk lost his eye, but he killed the wildcat, and over the course of the next few days he ate every bit of the wildcat's carcass," said Patty.

Larry backed away quickly from Dirk's cage, just a hint of fear in his eyes.

"Now Larry, you don't need to be afraid of Dirk. You just have to be nice to him," said Patty.

"Nice to him? How do I do that?" asked Larry.

"Don't make fun of him. Be polite to him. When you want him to take a message somewhere, always say please and thank you," instructed Patty.

"Please and thank you? Why do I have to...?" Larry began.

"Look, Larry, if you want to keep all of your fingers and if you want to send and receive mail once you are enrolled at Hogwarts, you will do as I say," admonished Patty. "You will also have to keep a lot of owl treats on hand. We can get some in Diagon Alley before we go. Most owls get a treat when they deliver a message to you. Dirk gets a treat when you send him off with a message, and when he brings one to you."

"And if I forget his treat?" asked Larry sarcastically.

"Just remember the wildcat," said Patty with a smile.

"Well, okay, I can do that," replied Larry.

"Sorry I missed Mum and Daddy," smirked Larry. "Couldn't they stay?"

"They seemed to be in a bit of a hurry to get away, Larry. I can't imagine why," laughed Patty.

Larry and Patty went downstairs for breakfast. After a nice meal of sausage, eggs and raisin toast; tea for Patty and coffee for Larry, they went back to Diagon Alley for owl treats and some other miscellaneous items.

They came back and packed up all of their things in preparation for the ride to the train station. The cabby they hailed gave them a disapproving look when he saw all of the baggage that the two youngsters were carrying with them. He especially gave the two owls a hard look. Patty's parents had brought her owl, Pearl, when they had brought Dirk for Larry. In the end, the cabby just shrugged his shoulders and loaded everything into his cab without comment.

The ride to the train station was quick and uneventful. The cabby wanted to get rid of this lot as soon as possible. He piled their bags up neatly at the entrance to the train station and was pleasantly surprised when Patty gave him a generous tip. Inside the building, Patty gave Larry his ticket.

"Platform 9 ¾? What's this? Says here that we are supposed to catch our train at platform 9 ¾," said Larry.

"That's correct, Larry. Platform 9 ¾. I'll show you what to do when we get there," explained Patty.

They walked for what seemed like forever to Larry. They finally arrived at what Patty said was their destination. Two other people were also there, a plump, middle aged, red haired woman and a pale faced, thin, red haired little girl. The little girl seemed to be adamant about something.

"Mummy, that was him, the Boy Who Lived. You've got to let me go see him, that was Harry Potter," said the little girl anxiously.

Larry heard Patty let out a little gasp; she then took the red haired woman aside and spoke to her in low whispers.

"Hello sugar. What's your name?" Larry asked the little red haired girl.

"Ginny, Ginny Weasley," she replied with a giggle.

"Do you go to Hogwarts?" asked Larry.

She looked at him in surprise and slowly shook her head no.

"Not till next year. I'll be old enough then."

"That's a pity, sugar. I'm going to Hogwarts. I was hoping I would see more of you there."

"Why would you want to see more of me?" asked the girl with a blush.

" Cause you're a cute little bit and I thought maybe we could spend some time together," said Larry, moving closer.

Ginny was really blushing now.

"Well, it will only be a year. If you are still at Hogwarts next year, I'll look you up."

"I was just thinki..." Larry started to say, but he never got a chance to finish.

"Down, rover. Leave that little girl alone," Patty hissed in his ear.

"She's not much younger than me; just about a year younger I would say."

"Well give it a rest, we have to get on the train. Watch what I do, then you do exactly the same thing. I've just learned some wonderfully exciting news. I'll tell you when we get on the other side."

"What do you mean, the other side?" asked Larry.

"Larry, shut up and watch me."

Larry stood there, with his mouth open in awe, as Patty took her baggage cart and went full tilt towards the archway of platform 9 ¾. With a small pop, Patty disappeared through the wall of the arch.

"Well dear, it's your turn now," said the plump, red haired lady to Larry.

"I...I... don't know. I don't think I'm going," said Larry.

"Your friend told me that you might be a little hesitant. She asked me to make sure that you got through okay; so, I'll give you a little incentive. You can either go through the arch and off to Hogwarts, or, you can stay here and I'll turn you into a toad. That was my daughter you were chatting up and I'll not have the likes of you chasing after her," said the lady.

Needing no further encouragement, Larry headed his cart towards the arch and took off at a run.

"Bye Ginny, see you next year," said Larry as he went through the wall.

"See you, Larry," laughed Ginny.

Larry emerged on the other side to a wondrous sight. A big, red steam engine was parked on the tracks in front of him. There were many strange people milling around, and the younger ones all seemed to be boarding the train.

"Come on Larry, we have to hurry to get a seat," yelled Patty, who was standing nearby.

They boarded, leaving their baggage for the handlers to take care of, and searched the cars until they found an open one near the end of the train.

"Good, maybe we will have this one to ourselves," said Patty, settling herself on a nice padded bench, with Larry taking the one opposite.

"Wanting to spend a little quality time with just me?" Larry asked her hopefully.

"No, you idiot. I have news to tell you and I also want to get some idea of your magical powers."

"Oh wow! Do I get to try the 'Petrifidicus Totalarious' one on you?" asked Larry.

"It's 'Petrificus Totalus' you git, and no, you will not be trying that one on me. First things first though. The lady I was talking to just before we went through the arch was a Mrs. Weasley. That was her daughter you were hitting on. She told me that Harry Potter was on board this train. Harry Potter is coming to Hogwarts." Patty could hardly contain herself, the excitement in her voice self-evident.

Larry stared at her for a second and then said, "Harry Potter? I think I have some relation named Harry Potter," he said.

"I doubt that," snapped Patty. She then went into a detailed account of who Harry Potter was and how this child had somehow defeated the evil wizard, Voldemort.

"As I remember, I have a cousin named Harry Potter, same age as me. His parents died in some sort of explosion and now he lives with my aunt and her family over in Surrey, someplace," said Larry. "Never met him though. Our families aren't close."

Patty looked at Larry in amazement. This just couldn't be. She, like almost everyone else in the wizarding world had some knowledge of Harry Potter and his background. This just couldn't be.

"Larry, what is the name of the family that your cousin lives with?" asked Patty.

"Um... Dursley, yes that's it, Vernon and Petunia Dursley," said Larry.

Patty flopped back in her seat and let out a groan. She had overheard her father talking to a representative of Hogwarts one time; they had mentioned Harry Potter and the family he lived with. The names she had heard were Vernon and Petunia Dursley.

"Oh sweet Merlin! You are Harry Potter's cousin," moaned Patty.

"So what's the big deal? He and I are going to go to the same school. What's the big deal about that?"

"Larry, it's just that Harry Potter is so noble... he is an heroic icon to the entire Wizarding world, and you are such a schmuck!" said Patty.

"Now wait a minute Patty, I..."

"Calm down Larry, calm down. I'm sorry, I was just so shocked that you are related to Harry Potter," said Patty.

Larry's feelings were hurt; he didn't like being thought of as a schmuck, especially by Patty. He slid over to the far side of his bench and sulked.

Patty moved over and sat beside Larry. "Come on Larry, don't be mad. Let's see what kind of powers you have," she said.

Larry looked at her and decided he couldn't remain angry with those emerald green eyes looking at him from that model beautiful face.

"Oh, all right, what do you want me to do?" he asked.

"That's my boy. Take out your wand and listen closely to what I say," said Patty.

Larry whipped out his Peckerwood Model I, ready to cast his first magical spell.

"Here is one that isn't too difficult. Watch what I say and do," instructed Patty.

Patty said the magical word "Lumos" and her wand instantly lit up the room with a soft light. She then turned off the light and indicated to Larry that he was to attempt the same spell.

Larry concentrated, spoke clearly, and said "Lumos."

They were both surprised when the room immediately lit up, even brighter than when Patty had uttered the spell.

"Very good, Larry, I'm impressed," said Patty, smiling.

She showed him how to reverse the spell and then decided that she would have him try a more difficult one. She got up and stood in the doorway of the compartment.

"Okay, Larry. Point your wand at me and say, Expelliarmus," she commanded.

"Are you sure? I don't want to hurt you," said Larry.

"Do as I say! If you can do it at all, which I doubt, it shouldn't be much more than a nudge."

Larry shrugged and did as he was told. He pointed his wand at Patty and yelled, "Expelliarmus!"

A scarlet shaft of light flashed from the end of his Peckerwood and struck Patty squarely in the chest. She was blasted backwards through the door and hit the opposite side train wall. Patty sat up, shaking her head and softly moaning.

"Patty, are you okay? Did I hurt you?" asked a worried Larry.

She looked at him, still a little dazed, and then started to laugh. "Boy, Larry, I haven't felt anything like that since the first time I had sex!"

Larry helped her up and led her back into the compartment. She sat down on the bench and gently rubbed her breasts, wincing slightly. She had Larry pull the door to the compartment shut, lock it, and close the privacy curtains so that no one could see in. Patty now opened her robe, undid her blouse and examined her breasts for any injuries.

"What do you think?" she asked.

"I think they're beautiful," he responded.

"No you idiot! I meant, do you see any marks or other damage?"

"Um... no Patty, they look just find to me," he replied, drooling ever so slightly.

Satisfied that she was going to be okay, she adjusted her clothes and sat down beside Larry.

"It was my fault, Larry. I had no idea that your magic was so strong. If I had known, I would have chosen another spell. Let's try one more, a difficult, non contact one."

Patty pointed to a pillow sitting on the opposite bench. "Larry, say 'Wingardium Leviosa', while pointing your wand at the pillow and making a swish and flick motion."

Once again, Larry did what Patty said. The pillow instantly floated into the air.

Patty sat back and looked at Larry; she was totally amazed. Larry had just managed to do a spell, on his first try, that took some young witches and wizards weeks to learn. She showed him how to lower the pillow, and then said, "Larry, your magic is very strong. With no formal training you have worked spells that a lot of young magical people find very difficult. If you can ever get past being such a little prick, I think you can become a legend in our world."

Before he could respond, there came a knock on the carriage door. Patty hopped up and opened it; it was the bushy-haired girl from the robe emporium.

"Sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if you had seen a toad? A boy Neville has lost one," she said.

"My mate Neville lost his toad? I need to help him look for it. Larry, Larry Porter at your service," said Larry, offering his hand to the girl.

"Hermione Granger, pleased to meet you," said the girl only half-heartedly.

"If you will let go of her hand, I would like to introduce myself too," said Patty.

Reluctantly Larry released his grip on Hermione's hand.

"Patty Disbro, fifth year Gryffindor, pleased to meet you," said Patty.

"Come sit and talk for a while, give us a chance to know each other better. I'm sure Patty has something else to do," grinned Larry.

"Um... maybe some other time, I really need to help Neville find his toad. Nice meeting you Patty," said Hermione as she whirled around and hurried out the door.

"What's with her? Why did she run off?" asked Larry.

"Good grief, Larry, you were like a dog in heat. You can't go throwing yourself at a girl like that. I can see that I'm going to have to do a lot of work with you to straighten out your social skills," said Patty, shaking her head.

The rest of the trip was uneventful, except for a small ruckus a few doors down from Larry and Patty. Seems that someone had been bitten by a rat, or some foolish thing like that. After things calmed down, Patty made sure that Larry changed into his robes so he would be ready for Hogwarts.

They arrived at Hogwarts and the first thing Larry noticed was a hairy man with an obvious glandular problem. Patty told Larry that he needed to go with the man; he would be riding to Hogwarts castle in a boat, along with the rest of the first year students. Larry didn't like boats much; he had been out on them a few times and had always gotten sick. Sure enough, about halfway across the large lake, Larry's lunch bid adieu to his stomach and he vomited all over the twin girls from India sitting in front of him. Amidst the shrieks and what he knew must be Indian curse words, Larry was turning a deathly white and holding on for dear life. After what seemed like an eternity, the boat landed on the opposite shore. Larry staggered off of the boat and lay down on the cool grass to collect himself.

An older woman approached the group; she immediately took in the situation, uttered a spell, and depuked the twins. The old biddy explained that she was a professor, her name was McGonagall; she led them into the castle and up a stairway to a large door. The good professor explained the sorting ceremony to the group; she also told them that they were going to have a magnificent feast. She went into great detail about the greasy chicken, fried in lard, which was her particular favorite. Larry showed his appreciation by immediately throwing up on the twins again.

After order was restored, and the twins cleaned up once more, they all entered the large hall for the Sorting ceremony. Larry was very wobbly to say the least. He just wanted it to be over with; he didn't care if he ever ate anything again.

As they walked down the aisle toward the front of the hall, Larry did have to admit to himself that this was a pretty impressive place. Too bad they didn't have the money to finish it though, he thought to himself as he looked up and saw the moon and stars above him where the ceiling should have been. Off to his right he saw Patty, sitting at a long table with other students who were wearing the same patch that she wore. Patty was wearing that stupid pointed hat again, but she looked beautiful just the same.

The group now stood before a dais that served as a platform for a long table. Seated behind the table were a bunch of old fuds that Larry assumed must be the keepers of this asylum. He wasn't paying too much attention to them though; he was trying to get closer to that Granger girl. Just as he was about to make his move, he heard her name called out and she went up on the dais to try on this stupid hat that all of the new students seemed to be trying on. Larry could see that the hat must be a puppet. It had a mouth that moved and you could swear that it was actually talking: it was really quite clever. They used this puppet to place new students into their respective houses.

"Harry Potter," called Professor McGonagall.

Larry watched, as a frail looking youth with dents in his forehead took his seat on the dais. It was the same boy he had seen at the robe emporium. This was his cousin, Harry Potter. Not much to look at, thought Larry. Still, he is my cousin, so I'll have to introduce myself later.

Finally, Larry was the only new student left standing in front of the dais.

"Larry Porter," he heard Professor McGonagall call out.

He smiled and took his seat in front of the Sorting Hat puppet, perfectly willing to go along with the joke. Professor McGonagall placed the hat on his head.

"Arrrrrrg... what have we here?" Larry heard the hat say.

Larry looked around for the puppeteer but couldn't see anyone.

"Hmmmm... arrogant, mean-spirited, nasty little shit," the hat continued.

"I don't have to take that from you, you refugee from a Good Will store," snapped Larry. "Patty says I should be in Slytherin house, so put me in Slytherin house."

"Patty? Do you mean Patty Disbro? Yes, yes indeed... very nice rack," observed the hat.

"Hey, that's enough from you. Just put me in a house, and not Hufflepuff," demanded Larry.

"Not Hufflepuff, not Hufflepuff? Why that's just the place I had in mind for you, sweetie," said the hat in a mocking manner.

"Not Hufflepuff," said Larry, jumping up and throwing the hat to the floor.

As Larry tried to stomp on the hat, it wrapped its bill around Larry's legs and tripped him, causing him to fall to the floor with a crash. Larry and the hat were now trashing about on the dais; Larry was trying to rip the hat to pieces, and the hat in turn was trying to strangle Larry with its bill.

"Huffle..." the hat started to say before Larry stuck his hand in its mouth.

"Oooooooch," yelled Larry as the hat proceeded to take a bite out of his hand.

Two professors finally responded to the mayhem on the dais and grabbed hold of Larry. He was dragged kicking and screaming from the great hall with the hat's last words ringing in his ears, "I said Hufflepuff you little son-of-a-bitch!"

Patty covered her face with her hands.