The Adventures of Larry Porter

"Hogwarts? You can't send him to Hogwarts, I...I...You can't," shouted Mr. Disbro.

"Here, here now, enough of this shouting. What is this Hogwarts you're talking about man?" asked Constable Beaufort.

"It's...it's...I...I... I don't know anything about it," said Mr. Disbro, suddenly changing direction.

"You seem to be mighty upset about something that you now say you know nothing about," said the Constable, giving Mr. Disbro a rather suspicious look.

"It's a special school, far away from here. Larry has received an invitation to attend classes there. It's far away from here. If Larry went to Hogwarts, then he wouldn't have to go to jail would he Constable?" asked Aunt Bessie.

"No, I suppose that sending him far away to school would be as good as sending him to a youthful offender facility," said the Constable.

"When is he supposed to go?" asked Mr. Brown.

"I think the letter said Friday of this week," explained Aunt Bessie.

"But...but... he should go to jail, not to Hogwar... er, that school," said Mr. Disbro.

"I'm not one for sending a lad off to jail, even if he is a rotten little shit like this one," said Mr. Brown. "If it's all right with you Constable, then this Hogwarts place is alright with me too."

They all turned now to look at Mr. Disbro.

"And you, Disbro? What's your final word on this matter?" asked Constable Beaufort.

Mr. Disbro looked like a rat in a trap. He clearly did not want Larry to attend Hogwarts, but Larry couldn't for the life of him figure out why.

"Hang the lot of you," said Mr. Disbro as he turned and stormed out of the door.

"Well, looks like it's settled then, I'm off to magicians school," said a smiling Larry.

"Too right, lad. If I were you, I wouldn't be in too big of a hurry to come back here for a visit, if you catch my drift?" said a now menacing Constable Beaufort.

"Double that for me you little asshole," hissed Mr. Brown.

With those words of encouragement, the two men turned and left the Pusswillow home.

Aunt Bessie and Uncle Hubert now rounded on Larry. They both were smiling, strangely.

"This is it, we've got you now," said Uncle Hubert, standing almost nose to nose with Larry. "You mess up now boy and we will see to it that you are pulled out of Hogwarts and sent straight to reform school. What do you think of that?"

"I think you should use more mouthwash," replied Larry. "Remember, they wouldn't keep me in reform school forever. The day I got out would be your last."

Uncle Hubert was taken aback by Larry's words, he knew the boy was serious, so he didn't push it.

A pecking at a side window broke the tension. It was another owl. Aunt Bessie let the bird in, removed the message from its leg, and handed the note to Larry.

"Says here, that they are assigning a fifth year Hogwarts' student to help me get all my books and the other crap I will need for school. What kind of books do I need just to learn magic tricks? What do they mean by a fifth year student? How long does this school last, anyway?"

"I don't know, Larry, I'm sure whoever they send to help you will be able to answer all your questions," said Aunt Bessie.

Larry went up to his room and lay down on his bed. He wasn't going to be able to sleep very well though, he would be wondering all night about what kind of nerdy git they would send to assist him in getting ready for Hogwarts. Oh well, he thought, whoever is coming is supposed to be here tomorrow morning, guess I'll find out then.

A soft knock on the front door next morning brought Aunt Bessie scurrying from the breakfast table to answer. She opened the door to a very pretty, blond girl.

"Hello, I'm Patty Disbro, is Larry in?" asked the girl.

"Patty, what are you doing here?" asked Larry, who had followed his Aunt to answer the door.

"Please, please come inside," said Aunt Bessie.

Patty stepped in and introduced herself to Uncle Hubert and Herbert.

"Larry, I am a fifth year student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I have been asked by the head of our school, Albus Dumbledore, to help you get all of the necessary items for your first year at Hogwarts," said Patty, smiling.

"Oh shit! No wonder your old man was about to have the big one last night! He didn't want me going to the same school as you," laughed Larry.

"We thought he was going to go completely through the roof," said Patty smiling.

"So where do we have to go to get all of the stuff it talks about in the letter," asked Larry.

"We will be going into London, to a place called Diagon Alley. But, first things first. Do you have any money Larry?" asked Patty.

Larry smiled. He had been extorting protection money from the younger kids for years; he had amassed quite a tidy sum.

"I have a few quid put away. Why do you ask?"

"You'll need money to by your books and things. We'll have to get your money changed first though," explained Patty.

"Changed? Where is this school, some foreign country?" asked Larry.

"Not quite, but I'll explain all that later," said Patty, "We need to get going now."

"How we getting there?" asked Larry.

"Daddy gave me his car. He and Mum would usually escort me to get school supplies, but for some reason they didn't want to go today," chuckled Patty.

Patty said goodbye to the Pusswillows, while Larry ran upstairs and got his money, then he joined the waiting Patty in her father's car.

As they headed toward London, they made small talk and Larry tried to get a better look at Patty's legs. She was wearing a rather short skirt that highlighted her long, well-tanned and shapely legs. The top she was wearing was a low-cut affair that gave Larry hope of catching another glimpse of those magnificent mountains.

"Horny little devil, aren't you?" laughed Patty. "Have you ever been with a girl, Larry?"

"Well...I...er, sure, I've been with lots of girls, lots of times," lied Larry.

He slid over closer to her and casually began playing with her knee. The further they drove, the bolder Larry became. As his fingers drifted upwards, towards the Promised Land, Patty continued to smile at him as she pulled the car over to the side of the road.

"Ready for some action?" asked Larry in a very cocky manner.

"Here's your action you little shit," said Patty, pulling a small wand out from the sun-visor and pointing straight at Larry. "Petrificus Totalis," she whispered.

Larry was immediately petrified in a rock-solid state. He could still see and hear, so that every word that Patty now spoke registered clearly with him.

"You obviously don't get it, Larry. Hogwarts is not a school that teaches young people how to do magic tricks. It is a school where young witches and wizards go to hone their natural born skills. I am a witch, and you, young Larry, are a wizard, although from what I see, you are not much of one. I have been selected to mentor you for your first year; you will do what I tell you to do, when I tell you to do it. If you don't, I will change you from a stallion to a gelding with one word. If you ever touch me like that again, without my permission, you will wish that you had never been born," said Patty.

She now released him from the spell; he pressed himself against the car door, contemplating if he should try to make a break for it.

"Calm down, Larry. If you behave yourself, I won't hurt you. I actually kind of like you and I think we could be friends. Are we going to be friends?" she asked, as she held out her hand.

"Sure...sure, I would like to be friends," said Larry, taking her hand; he realized that he was now very lucky to be in continued possession of his manly parts. Somebody like Patty could be a big help to him at Hogwarts. His mind was already racing with the possibilities of the different scams he could run at the school. He could use somebody like Patty to cover his back.

"You're very lucky, Larry. The last boy who tried that sort of thing with me didn't have a hand to pull back," chuckled Patty.

Larry laughed along with her, not knowing if she was kidding or not, he decided not to take any chances.

Patty pulled back onto the highway and they continued their trip to London. Larry was glad that Patty seemed to know where she was going, he was totally lost. They arrived in London and parked the car; Patty removed a small suitcase from the trunk. Then they had a nice, long walk to what Larry thought was the nastiest looking place he had ever seen, some place called The Leaky Cauldron. They entered what appeared to Larry to be some kind of pub. Sitting around at the tables, scattered about the place, were the oddest collection of beings that Larry had ever seen. Larry wasn't certain, but he was pretty sure there must have been a circus in town. Larry saw Patty approach the man behind the bar and give him a note. The man read the note and directed Patty to a small room near the stairs. She disappeared into the room, taking her suitcase with her. After a few minutes, Patty returned, looking completely different. She was now wearing a black robe that had some funny kind of patch on it. Her outfit was completed with a tall, black, pointy hat.

"Whoa, let me guess, we're going to a funeral, right? Or are we going to a Wizard of Oz dress-up party?" joked Larry.

Patty gave Larry a look that told him he needed to keep his mouth shut.

"It looks nice on you, Patty," said Larry, trying to tap-dance himself out of harms' way.

"What's that neat patch on your robe mean?"

She looked at him coldly and replied, "it's the patch of the house of Gryffindor. I am a Gryffindor," she said with pride.

"Oh, kind of like a frat house?" asked Larry.

Patty gave Larry a very hard look, trying to decide if he was being a smart-ass again and if she needed to zap him for it. She finally decided that he was asking a valid question in his own retarded way, so she decided to answer him.

"In the most simplistic of explanations, yes, you could say it's like being in a fraternity. Only we have boys and girls together, grouped into four different houses. I am in Gryffindor house; there are also Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Slytherin houses. You will be sorted into one of these houses your first night at Hogwarts."

"Sorted how? Like a lottery?" asked Larry.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you; you will just have to wait and see," replied Patty.

"Hope I'm not put in Hufflepuff, they sound like a bunch of piss-willies to me," groused Larry.

"No Larry, I think you have Slytherin written all over you, you are a little snake," chuckled Patty.

"What do you mean sna..." Larry started to say.

"You'll find out," said Patty, cutting him off. "Let's go shopping!"

Patty and Larry followed the innkeeper into a back room of the pub. Once inside the room, the innkeeper pulled out a wand and touched it to a series of bricks in the wall. Magically (what other way is there?) a hole opened in the wall. The youngsters stepped through the hole and into Diagon Alley.

"Wow, I've got to get me one of those sticks," said Larry.

"It's not a stick. It's a wand. Didn't you read your letter?" asked Patty.

"Okay, okay it's a waaaand. Don't get you knickers in a bunch," said Larry.

"Larry..." started Patty.

"Okay, okay... I'm sorry; just don't do that spell thing on me again," begged Larry.

"There's no hope for you Larry, let's just get our shopping done so I can get rid of you," said Patty.

"Aw, come on Patty, I'll be nice, I promise. I really do want us to be friends. I might even ask you to show me how to meet girls, you know, how I should treat them and all," said Larry in his most contrite manner.

Patty knew that she could never trust Larry, but she was a sucker for a pretty face, and Larry was one of the cutest boys she had ever met. He would break a lot of little girl's hearts in his day, probably while he was in the process of stealing their purses.

"Oh, alright you little shit, let's get your money changed," she said laughing.

They headed down Diagon Alley toward Gringotts, the wizard's bank. As they entered, Larry let out a whistle and whispered into Patty's ear.

"Patty, do you think we should call the local zoo and let them know that someone has turned all of their lizards loose?" he asked.

"What are you talking about?" asked Patty.

"Those things, behind the teller's cages, they look like big lizards," exclaimed Larry.

"They aren't lizards, they're Goblins, the finest bankers in the wizarding world," explained Patty. "You can get your money changed here."

Very skeptically, Larry approached the Goblin behind the counter and completed his money changing transaction. As they left the bank, Larry's Docker pants pockets bulging with coins, a huge smile spread across his face.

"What are you so happy about," asked Patty.

"I was just thinking, I've really got some heavy duty Knuts in my pants," laughed Larry.

Patty rolled her eyes but couldn't help laughing along. They spent the rest of the day, picking up the supplies they would need for the school year. Larry seemed to be especially pleased when Mr. Ollivander, after many attempts, decided that the wand best suited to Larry was the Peckerwood model I. This wand was easily identifiable by its handle, shaped in the form of a phallic symbol.

The last stop was for Larry to be fitted for his school robes.

"I won't wear a dress. The only man I've ever seen wear a dress was my Uncle Hubert, when my aunt was out of town with my cousin; he didn't know I was watching. I won't wear a dress!" said Larry raising his voice.

"Larry, it is not a dress, it is a robe. You will have everyday robes and you will have dress robes. You will wear them as all of the other students do and you will not complain," said Patty, grabbing him by the collar and pulling him close, her green eyes flashing.

"But I..." started Larry.

"Look," said Patty, cutting him off. "That's just the way it is, it's something you have to do. I'll make you a deal. If you just get fitted, without complaint, I'll see if I can't get you fixed up with that little piece of fluff over by the mirror, once school starts."

Larry turned and looked in the direction of the mirror. He saw a mass of bushy, brown hair, attached to what must have been a girl. He was about to object when the young girl turned in his direction. She's actually kind of pretty, Larry thought. A little skinny perhaps, but the snug fitting sweater she was wearing showed that those little molehills might become mountains someday.

"Who is she?" asked Larry.

"I don't know, but she is obviously a first year student at Hogwarts. If you co-operate with the robes, I will find out who she is and I will introduce you to her. She will be our project; our project to show you how to act around girls," explained Patty.

Larry gave the girl another look and decided that he would go along with Patty. He might as well get something out of it, he thought. Patty didn't have to do anything for him; she could just keep petrifying him until he agreed to wear the robes.

"All right, I'll do what you say, but I won't like it," groused Larry.

Larry stepped over to be fitted for his robes and gave the bushy-haired girl his sexiest leer as he past in front of her. She stuck up her nose and gave him a haughty look as she turned her back on him.

Ah, a challenge

thought Larry. That made it all the better.

As he turned to step up on the fitting stool, he heard a surly voice say, "Wait your turn, I'll be going next."

A thin, blond-haired boy with a sneer on his face stood almost nose to nose with Larry.

"You'll have to learn to respect your betters," said the arrogant youth.

Sensing an opportunity, Larry backed off one step and made a slight bow.

"Humph..." said the youth, as he stepped up on the fitting stool.

Just as Larry prepared to kick the stool out from under the boy and slap a wart on his head, Patty grabbed him from behind.

"Enough of that. Our little bushy-haired friend is leaving. Let's follow her for a bit and see what we can learn about her," said Patty. "We can come back for your robes, later."

Larry looked at the boy standing on the fitting stool and smiled. There would be another time he thought. As they were leaving the shop they almost collided with another boy who was entering.

"Wow, Patty, what a freak show this place is. Did you see that silly little git we passed on the way out? Looked like someone had been playing tic-tac-toe on his forehead with an ice-pick," chuckled Larry.

"Everyone can't be as pretty as you, Larry," said Patty sarcastically. She looked back at the shop door, a thought came to her mind, but she immediately dismissed it.

The bushy-haired girl had disappeared, so Patty and Larry headed back towards the secret door of the Leaky Cauldron. As they neared the door, they came upon two large young men pushing around a smaller youth.

"Come on, we know you've got money to buy school supplies, hand it over," said the bigger of the two chimps.

"My Gran gave me just enough to get what I need, if I give it to you, I won't be able to go to school," said the obviously terrified youth.

"We'll see about this," said Patty.

Larry held up his hand. This would be a good chance for him to promote his protection racket at Hogwarts. A public ass kicking of these two goons would go a long way towards making students come around to his business proposition.

"If you don't mind my dear Patricia. It is Patricia isn't it?"

Patty nodded her head yes.

"This is right down my alley, I'll handle it," said Larry.

Patty bowed and stepped back.

"Here, here mates, what is all this?" said Larry, approaching the three boys.

"No concern of yours, you best be off if you know what's good for you," said the smaller primate.

"I just was wondering which one of you belonged to that gold coin," said Larry pointing down to the ground.

The two goons responded in a way that would have done the Beetle proud, both of them looked down at the same time. Larry almost laughed out loud. His first kick caught the smaller of the two hooligans, square in the family jewels. With a loud groan the boy dropped to the ground, contemplating changing his name to Sally-Anne. The bigger boy recovered faster than Larry thought he would, he was up on the balls of his feet ready for anything Larry had to give. Larry was just beginning to worry about his chances when help came form an unexpected source. The boy that the two hoods had been trying to shake down moved quietly and quickly behind his antagonist and bent down. Larry immediately saw his chance and charged the bigger boy. As the lout was moved backwards from the force of Larry's charge he fell over the boy behind him and hit the ground with a thud. Larry was on him quickly, hitting him as hard as he could, drawing blood almost immediately from the boy's nose. To Larry's surprise, the bigger boy started crying and was begging for Larry to stop. Larry was in his rhythm and didn't feel like stopping. One more good punch and Larry was grabbed from behind.

"That's enough, Larry. You've made your point!" yelled Patty.

Breathing heavily, Larry stopped hitting the boy. He did need to have one final word though.

"Okay big boy, that's all you get for now. If I ever see you leaning on one of my customers again, I'll cut off your head and shit down your neck!" threatened Larry.

As Larry got up, the two thugs scrambled away, looking over their shoulders and muttering curses.

Larry faced the boy who had been the extortion target.

"Larry, Larry Porter at your service."

"Hel... hello. I'm Neville Longbottom. Thank you. What did you mean by customer?"

"Plenty of time to talk about that after school starts Neville my man," said Larry, flashing his infectious smile. "Are you okay Neville?"

"Yes, I'm fine," replied Neville.

"Good, good. This beauty standing next to me is my dear, dear friend, Patty Disbro."

"Lo Patty," said Neville, shyly.

"Hello Neville, you poor dear," said Patty, putting her arms around him and giving him a big hug.

Neville wasn't sure what was happening, but Patty's hug was causing a strange sensation that he never had experienced before. He didn't know what it was, but he knew that he liked it.

Patty held him tightly for another minute and then released him with a twinkle in her eye.

"You pudgy little devil," she said, pinching his cheek.

Neville turned crimson as Larry chuckled.

"That's enough, Larry, you leave Neville alone," admonished Patty.

"Okay, okay, can't say as I blame him," said Larry.

Neville thanked them again and then excused himself as he still had a few more things to purchase for school. They promised each other that they would definitely get together once they all arrived at school. Patty and Larry finished their shopping by going back and having Larry fitted for his robes.

"Well, guess we are done here for today. We are done here aren't we?" asked Larry.

"Yes, but we aren't going home, we are spending the night here. My parents are bringing the rest of our things tomorrow morning in Mum's car. Seems that people really don't want you going back home," said Patty.

"Oh we are staying here are we?" said Larry, coyly.

"In separate rooms," said Patty coldly. "I'm staying to make sure you don't get into any trouble. Daddy isn't too happy about it, but he will always do what Headmaster Dumbledore asks."

They went back into the Leaky Cauldron and decided to put their packages away and have a bite to eat.

They sat down to a nice meal of steak-and-kidney pie and a drink that Larry had never heard of before: Butterbeer. Larry liked Butterbeer, it had a nice little kick to it, not quite as much as Aunt Bessie's Dandelion wine, but still enough to be felt. All in all, Larry decided that this wizarding business was going to be okay. He could set up a few scams, extort a little protection money, and have an otherwise pretty good time at this Hogwarts place. Then there was also that bushy-haired little girl to think about, she was kind of a cutie, it might be fun, trying to talk her out of her womanly treasures.