The Adventures of Harry and Dudley

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Chapter 5: That Thiiing

"I'm thinking about that coffee shop," Dudley decided.

"Which coffee shop?" Harry asked.

"That coffee shop..." Dudley said.

"Which one?" Harry asked, still lost.

"You know, that one," said Dudley.

"No. We're not doing this again!" Harry exclaimed.

"We're not doing what again?"

"That thing!"

"Which thing?"Dudley asked.

"That thing!" Harry exclaimed.

"That thing?"

"That thing."

"That thiiing," Dudley sang. He continued singing 'That Thing' by Lauryn Hill and began dancing.

Harry was, quite frankly, terrified. "Why am I always the one who gets stuck with the lunatics? First Lockhart and his memory charm, now this..." he mumbled to himself.

"Sorry, did you say something?" Dudley stopped wildly gyratinghis pelvis to look at Harry.

"Never mind."

"Ok then," Dudley said, and went back to singing and dancing. Harry walked along, wishing more than anything he could overdose on morphine and Prozac. His life would be improved times one hundred if he didn't have to feel the pain in his eyes from watching Dudley dance, and would be able to laugh about it. Harry could just see himself laughing hysterically about his painless, oncoming blindness.

So they walked along. And they walked. And they walked.

'And where exactly are we walking to?' Harry thought to himself. "Hey Bouncy, where are we going?" he said aloud.

"To that coffee shop."

"Which coffee shop?" Harry asked, still lost.

"That one...that sells coffee and stuff...on that street..." Dudley trailed off thoughtfully.

"Well, I'm glad that's cleared up," Harry rolled his eyes.

"Well, how am I supposed to know? Mum and Dad are the ones driving, you know, not me..."

"You should know your way around your own town!"

"You live here too!"

"Only in the summer time! And then I'm not usually allowed out of the house!"

"Oh yeah," Dudley said, grinning.

"Yeah. So, this coffee shop, is it some place we're actually going to find or are we going to wander around aimlessly in circles for the rest of our lives?" Harry asked.

"Um...ooooh, kitty," Dudley said, spotting an alley cat somewhere beyond Harry. Dudley began to walk toward it.

"What? Dudley? Come back!"

"Must pet the kitty..." Dudley murmured, walking toward the cat, as if in a trance.

"No, Dudley! Stop! Idiot! Come back!" Harry bellowed. But Dudley just kept walking toward the cat.

'Great,' Harry thought to himself. 'Not only does Dudley have a tendency to burst into song, but he also has a short attention span and a weird fixation with cats...'

Dudley reached the alley cat and tried to pet it. The alley cat did not approve of this. It hissed and spat at Dudley, who did not seem to get the picture, and continued trying to touch it.

The cat went mad. Its back-fur raised and claws bared, it launched itself at Dudley's head. Dudley yowled as the cat sat clung to the top of his head, hissing, scratching, and spitting. Dudley flailed around, waving his arms, like a fish out of water, yelling and screaming, "HELP! GET IT OFF ME!"

Harry looked around, unsure of what to do. He could help Dudley, but how?

He tried to approach Dudley, but the cat just went even more crazy, hissing and clawing at Dudley's blond hair.

Harry didn't know what to do, so he just watched Dudley run in circles for a bit. He sniggered, as it was quite funny.

"DON'T LAUGH!" Dudley howled. "HELP ME!"

"HOW!?" Harry yelled.

"WATER! THROW WATER AT THE CAT!" Dudley screamed. The cat was now hitting his nose with its claws, still hissing and spitting.

"OK!" Harry shouted, looking desperately around with a bucket and some water. He spotted a fire hydrant. How could he, Harry, possibly open the thing by himself? Magic? Nah. He kind of enjoyed how nice Dudley was being- as it was better than Dudley being horrible- but he didn't like it enough to be expelled for.

So how could he open the fire hydrant with out magic? A crow-bar might do it! Where would Harry find a crow-bar?

It was very lucky for Dudley that there was a hardware store near by. Since he had no money, Harry managed to haggle a deal for the crow-bar. The deal was he was allowed to have the crow-bar, and he didn't hit the cashier with it. As far as Harry was concerned, he figured that this was a good deal, both for himself and the cashier.

Harry ran over to they fire hydrant and pried off the cover with the crowbar, and the water shot at Dudley. Dudley had been right, the cat left his head, and ran shrieking cat noises back into the alley from which it came.

When Harry was finally able to force the cover back on the fire hydrant, both he and Dudley were rather wet.

"Well, at least it's warm," Dudley said brightly.

"Yeah...Bouncy, you're bleeding!" Harry said, watching blood drip from Dudley's forehead into his eyes.

"Thanks, but I'm aware. The cat got me."

"I'm aware."

"Of what?"

"That the cat got your head."

"Oh! That thing."

"What thing?"

"That thing."

"That thing?"

"That thiiing," Dudley began to sing again.

"Oh boy," Harry moaned.

"Come on, Harry, I know you want to sing!" Dudley exclaimed, now breaking out into 'The Bad Touch' by the Bloodhound Gang.

"Um...no," said Harry. "But I'd fancy something to eat."

"NO HARRY! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO SING!" Dudley roared, and Harry watched in horror as Dudley began getting down with his 'bad' self. People passing by were staring as Dudley belted out 'The Bad Touch' and gyrated his enormous pelvis back and forth.

One man actually had to duck out of the way as Dudley tried to 'do it like they do on the Discovery Channel' and another woman backed away in fear when Dudley started that part of the song about waffle house hash browns. "COME ON HARRY! SING! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!" Dudley hollered.

Harry did not want to sing. What Harry truly wanted was to run away. Far away. As fast as possible.

Searching desperately for something that would make Dudley stop, Harry's eyes landed on a bakery.

"Look Bouncy! Food!" Harry yelled.

Dudley stopped, his eyes searching frantically for the food. Harry pointed, and Dudley sprinted (well, for anyone else it would be a jog, but for Dudley it was a sprint) toward the bakery. Harry followed.

Tugging on the door, the boys realized the bakery was closed for the evening.

Dudley looked sadly at the door, and then began to get his groove back on by singing 'Respect' by Aretha Franklin.

Harry wanted to cry. "Bouncy, could you stop? Please, please, please stop," Harry begged.

"Stop what?" Dudley asked, looking confused.

"That thing that you're doing."

"What thing?"

"That thing."

"That thiiing," Dudley sang again.

Harry just hung his head. He made a mental note that some day, some how, he would free Dudley of this habit of bursting into random songs.