The Adventures of Harry and Dudley

Chapter 6: Fred and George Look Alike

Harry thought his stomach was going to swallow itself when he and Dudley finally found an all-night restaurant/pub. Dudley, still humming popular tunes, quit singing long enough to say, "I think we should go in."

"I agree," Harry said, marching in the door and practically throwing himself into a chair.

The place was small, sort of dark, but charming at the same time. There was a decent crowd for the hour and the size of the place, but it was a Friday. There was Irish music playing at a soft volume, the high pitched sound of clinking plates and glasses, and the sound of busy chatter. There was a mixed smell of tobacco, beer, and food, and some pictures of nature scenes, presumably of Ireland, and a picture of a leprechaun on the wall.

Harry decided that he would one day visit Ireland. If Ireland was as pretty as the pictures, and there were leprechauns, he might as well visit. Harry had seen a lot of things in the magical world. He'd never seen a leprechaun.

"Can I help you gentlemen?" said a stocky but tall, red haired, freckled man with a brilliant smile, snapping Harry out of his thoughts of Ireland and into different ones.

"He looks like Fred and George," Harry thought. Apparently Dudley thought this too, because he clammed up and turned a ghostly shade of pale.

"Is something wrong?" the man asked.

"Um...nothing..." Harry threw a sideway glance at Dudley. "Can I have a watercress sandwich and a glass of water, please?"

"Certainly," the man smiled, "and you, sir?"

"Same," Dudley squeaked in a very high voice. He was turning red, and appeared to be holding his breath.

When the man walked away, Harry smirked. "Watercress and water, Bouncy? I never thought I'd see the day..."

"Oh shut-up. The only reason I didn't get something else is because-" but Dudley abruptly stopped his sentence.

"What?"

"I didn't like the way that guy looked."

"Didn't like the way he looked? How so?" Harry grinned. He knew perfectly well what Dudley was going on about, but torturing him seemed like so much more fun than just letting the situation go.

"I just didn't like him," Dudley said.

"Aww, why? I thought he looked rather friendly," Harry pressed, trying to hide his mirth.

Dudley said a few garbled words Harry couldn't understand, so he decided to press again. "What did you say, Bouncy?"

Dudley muttered another garbled response.

"Can't understand you, sorry."

"He looked like Fred and George! Fred and George! Fred and George! FRED AND GEOOOOOOOOOORGE!" Dudley stood up and hollered at the top of his lungs.

Every person named Fred or George in the restaurant looked up. About seven voices bellowed, "What do you want!?"

"Uh...nothing, sorry," Dudley whimpered. All the Freds and Georges groaned and went back to their foods, dates, and families.

"Good job there, Bouncy, my friend," Harry grinned.

"Oh shut-up," Dudley growled.

"Have you ever considered announcing Mexican soccer? You know, you can scream 'GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!' for a really long period of time?" Harry smirked.

"Shut-up," Dudley said again

"It'd be a good job for as big a windbag as you," Harry chocked back laughter.

"Shut-up or I'll-"

"You'll what, Bouncy? What are you going to do?" Harry interrupted.

"I'll pound you," Dudley answered.

"The hell you will. And if you touch me, I'll turn you into dragon dung."

Dudley's short attention span struck again. Instead of continuing to threaten to pound Harry, he spoke of something else. "Dragons? There's no such thing as a dragon!" he exclaimed.

"Want to bet?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, I'll bet. How much?"

"Fifteen galleons."

"Fifteen what?"

"Galleons," Harry said practically.

"What are galleons?"

Oh right. Dudley didn't know what a galleon was! Ignoramus. "It's gold coins...wizards' money."

"SHHHH!" Dudley said.

"Oh please, nobody's listening," Harry said dismissively.

"SHHHHH anyway, or I'll-"

"Or you'll what?" Harry interrupted again. "What will you do? Haven't we gone through this conversation already?"

"I'll start to sing and dance again if you don't stop talking about that freaky you are."

"You're threatening to sing and dance to popular hip-hop songs and you're calling me freaky?"

Dudley appeared to think about this, then said, "Yes."

"Anyway, there are dragons in my world. And you don't want to meet one, trust me. I had to. You don't want to."

"I told you to stop talking about your world or I'll start singing again," Dudley threatened.

"Nobody cares," Harry said, then pointed at himself and said in a louder type voice, "Dragons! Dragons! I've seen a Dragon here!" Nobody even stopped to look at them, the quiet chatter of the other people continued. "See, nobody cares."

"Stop, or I'll start with MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice," Dudley warned.

"Well then play that funky music, white boy," Harry challenged.

"For God's sake, man, we're in a restaurant, I will not play that funky music here! But if you want me to do it once we leave, I'd be more than happy to-"

"No, no, that's quite all right," Harry cut him off. "I was just kidding, I'll stop talking, I'm sorry."

Dudley grinned and Harry sighed with relief as the waiter brought their water out. Dudley then stopped grinning and went back to looking terrified.

"Anything wrong there?" the waiter asked in Dudley's direction.

"No," Dudley squeaked.

"Are you sure? You look rather pale?" the waiter looked concerned.

"Fine," Dudley answered and then squealed as the waiter tried to put his hand on Dudley's forehead or, what Harry presumed, was a feel for his temperature.

"Hey, kid, just trying to help!" the waiter exclaimed as Dudley leaned so far out of the way he landed on the floor with a thud.

"I'm fine, really, no don't touch me!" Dudley shrieked. Harry was too busy trying to control his laughter to notice the entire place was staring in their direction.

"Relax! Kid! Relax!" the waiter yelled.

"Stop, no!" Dudley yowled.

"Ok, ok," the waiter breathed, backing away. "I'm going to get your food." Harry distinctly heard him mutter, "Bloody lunatic," as he walked away.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Harry choked out between gasps for air. "He wasn't going to hurt you."

"He...looks...like-" Dudley panted.

"I know, I know, Fred and George," Harry finished Dudley's sentence. "I don't know why you're afraid of them. They're perfectly harmless...well, ok, rather dangerous, but, not if you're their friend."
"I'm not their friend," Dudley said quickly.

"I know, Bouncy, but you know, you could be their friend if-"

"Absolutely not," Dudley said.

The waiter brought out their sandwiches. Dudley paled, and scooted as far away from the waiter as he could. The waiter rolled his eyes. Harry laughed.

"You know, you don't have to be afraid of that guy," Harry said, biting into his sandwich as his stomach let out a growl. "Even though he looks like Fred and George, he's not them."

"It's an irrational fear. Leave me alone," Dudley said, munching his own sandwich.

"But the waiter is harmless," Harry insisted.

"Drop it."

"But it's-"

"KC and the Sunshine Band," Dudley said.

"You're bluffing," Harry looked skeptical.

"Oh yeah? Try me."

"The waiter is-"

"Shake shake shake, shake shake shake, shake your booty, shake your booty..." Dudley started.

"Fine, fine, I'll stop! Don't shake your booty, please, I'm trying to eat here!" Harry begged.

Dudley stopped singing and started eating, chewing slowly, thinking about one thing or another.

Harry sighed with relief, because the last thing anyone needed to help their appetite was to watch Dudley shake his booty.