Giving Them Hell

Giving Them Hell

Introductions of the formal and uptight kind suck. So I'm not even going to bother with it. The only thing I'm saying to introduce myself is 'hi, I'm Peeves, resident poltergeist at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.'

So here I go. Hi, I'm Peeves, resident poltergeist at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

I guess I should tell you something about myself. Hmm...ok. I've been at Hogwarts for over 30 years and I wear a bell covered hat and an orange bowtie...is that enough information for all you? Or do you want more? More? Well, too damn bad for you. You'll find out more about me as I tell this story.

That's a good introduction right there. It's short and to the point, and not some obnoxious voice droning on and on (Note: See Professor Binns). Considering it's me, it's even reasonably polite. You'll see later on that 'politeness' and 'manners' aren't really my thing.

Alright, now moving on.

I came to Hogwarts one day 32 years ago just because. I hadn't been invited, and nobody really wanted me, but I needed a magical place to live where I could wreak havoc and mayhem. It's the job of a poltergeist, you see, to cause as much trouble and be as obnoxious as possible. Sort of like a ghost with an exceptional sense of humor, but not. I can't really explain. It's just the way it is.

If they sorted me into a house, like the do with students, I'd be in Hufflepuff for not having any exceptional skills. I'd be in Ravenclaw for being hopelessly clever (although, Filch might not think so). I'd be in Gryffindor because I've got an honorable streak. (Yes, I do have an honorable streak. I uphold the honor of being a magical mischief maker all over the school. I did a little bit of research, and it turns out there were other poltergeists before me, and they all had the same job and did it quite well, so I have to uphold that honor. Ok, so it's not a noble honorable streak, but it's an honorable streak, so it counts.) And I'd be in Slytherin because I'm just a downright bastard sometimes. So I'd be in all the houses.

But if I only had to pick one house to belong to? Any guesses? I know, I see you, jumping up and down, yelling 'Slytherin! Slytherin!' at the top of your lungs. But you're wrong. I'd be in Gryffindor, not Slytherin, contrary to what people might think. There's not a witch or wizard that went bad that wasn't in Slytherin. (See: Tom Riddle, Lucius Malfoy, Death Eaters) And even though I cause so much trouble, I would never help You-Know-Who.

You see, I've caused a lot of trouble in my time here. A lot of trouble. Filch, the ever fun-restricting care taker, has appealed to Dumbledore to have me expelled a number of times. And in spite of the water balloons, and the rude words that come from the suits of armor at Christmas time, and the continuous taunting of almost everyone, and the my constantly breaking numerous valuable magical items, Dumbledore has never had it done.

"He's worth keeping around, Argus, he's entertaining," Dumbledore had said, with that usual twinkle in his eyes. I consider Hogwarts my home, and Dumbledore didn't force me to leave, annoying as I am. I'm grateful for that, and would never allow any harm to come to Hogwarts or Dumbledore if I could help it. So I guess I also have a loyalty thing going on as well as an honorable streak. I'd never taunt or betray Dumbledore, not after what he did for me. But shhh, don't tell anyone. Loyalty isn't good for my image.

Speaking of You-Know-Who, it's been interesting, really, since Harry Potter came to Hogwarts. The first year, he had to save the Sorcerer's Stone. Second year, it was the Chamber of Secrets. Third year was the escaped mad convict, Sirius Black. Fourth year the he competed in the Triwizard Tournament, and just this last year it was Umbridge, and the Department of Mysteries. I shouldn't tell you about the Department of Mysteries, though, technically speaking, I'm not supposed to know. It's amazing what you learn from eavesdropping though.

Oh, I enjoy taunting Potter. Hey, I'm a poltergeist, I love taunting all people. "Why, it's Potty Wee Potter!" I said to him in second year. Everyone thought he was the heir of Slytherin and were practically running away from him in fear. IT WAS HILARIOUS! I had such a good time! I liked it so much I encouraged the rumors!

Potter's always hanging out with those two other Gryffindors. Ron Weasley, who's so easily annoyed, which makes him such an easy target, and Hermione Granger, that really smart girl. You'd think the boy who saved the world from a powerful dark lord would have more friends. I have to remember to find a tactful way to annoy him about that later.

I knew Potter's father and mother, when they were at Hogwarts. Harry and James look incredibly alike. I enjoyed taunting that Potter, too, especially later on, when he was chasing after Harry's mother. Just priceless, the look on his face, when he was talking to Lily Evans and I dropped a dung bomb on him. I wish I'd had that annoying Creevy kid with a camera to snap a photo!

But I think that I enjoy bothering Filch most of all. He's always chasing me out of things. Suits of armor, vanishing cabinets, closets, the list goes on and on. There was this one time he was talking to McGonagall about the mess the students made in the fourth floor corridor, and I, in the suit of armor nearby, started to sing.

"Argus and Minerva sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-"

That really got his dander up for some reason...I can't imagine why. It doesn't make any sense, really. I mean, I know I overheard him telling Mrs. Norris that he had a slight crush on her. Yes, that's right, Filch told his cat that he had a crush on someone...his cat...I feel bad for him, really. He has fewer friends than the Potter boy. Anyway, the fact that he told his cat isn't really as important as the fact he said it out loud, so I could use it as ammo.

One time, I caught Snape singing and dancing in his office. That's right. Snape was singing. And not just any song, he was singing a song by a Muggle artist called Elton John. 'Can You Feel TheLove Tonight' is the name of the song. He wasn't just dancing, either. He was dancing in his boxers...and he had a picture. I couldn't see who was in it, but it doesn't really matter. His behavior more than made up for it. You see, he was singing to the picture, he was dancing with it, but not only did he sing to it and dance with it, after he was done, he kissed the photo. I had been shaking with laughter in the corner, but when he kissed his photograph, that was too much. I burst out laughing.

I was chased out of his office, still cackling madly. I had to avoid him for a few weeks though, because I couldn't see him without starting to sing and make kissing noises, and that made him incredibly irritable. I found that out later, when I was doing it for the first and last time, and he took fifty points from Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff for no reason. He nearly strangled the student closest to him as well, because he thought it was the student doing it. So then I had to stop. I think even Dumbledore would have wanted me out if I caused Snape to go crazy and kill someone in a fit of psychotic rage.

My life is more than just RAT though. Yes, RAT. What is RAT, you ask? Well, you know how RAK is an acronym for Random Acts of Kindness? RAT is sort of the same thing, except it's an acronym for Random Acts of Torment. But there's more to my life than RAT. I also enjoy music of all magic and Muggle types, watching Quidditch, and surprisingly enough, I rather enjoy looking at Christmas trees. Every so often, I also find time to read Hogwarts, A History. If I really wanted to do something with my life, I probably could.

So why all the mayhem?

Well, it's because I'm a poltergeist. And a good poltergeist's job is to cause all the mischief they can possibly can. If there's confusion and chaos, that's where I'll be. I have no desire to do anything but make trouble. It's like that's what I was bred for. That's why I'm here: to cause trouble...because I'm a poltergeist.

People often call me a trouble maker, an obnoxious entity whose job in life is to hurt people's feelings and do obnoxious things, like blow raspberries behind their backs. They're wrong. Well, ok. So maybe they're not far off. But I'm not just a poltergeist. I'm not just a trouble maker. I'm not just an obnoxious entity. I'm Peeves.

My latest victim on the torment trail was Professor Umbridge, temporary headmistress and High Inquisitor of Hogwarts. Ha, wasn't she sorry she crossed those twins and me?

"Give her hell from us, Peeves," were Fred and George Weasley's parting words as they escaped from the clutches of Professor Umbridge last year. They were talking to me, Peeves, as I bobbed up in the air, watching the scene unfold.

Fred and George Weasley, magical mischief makers (some of the best I've ever seen), were forced to take off on their brooms after Umbridge and her Inquisitorial Squad had them surrounded for setting up a portable swamp in one of the corridors. Bless those two, that Umbridge woman was such a bitch. Anyway, that was their last command, and it was directed at me. I don't usually obey students. But this one command was different. They were encouraging me to cause trouble, for the good of the school. Dumbledore was gone and Umbridge was making everyone (minus the Slytherins) miserable. How could I refuse my services? I saluted Fred and George on their way out.

I would have made them proud. I threw things, I blew raspberries behind Umbridge's back as I floated behind her, I broke things, and I startled people. I threw dung bombs and stink pellets. I chased Mrs. Norris. I caused trouble. Filch wanted me out worse than ever. I hid Umbridge's shoes. She wanted me out. I gave her hell, just like Fred and George told me. The other students followed Fred and George's lead with me, dropping dung bombs and stink pellets, and a certain Lee Jordan even set nifflers lose in Umbridge's office! We had McGonagall on our side as well, and I found that out when she whispered to me how to unscrew an expensive chandelier. Without realizing it, Fred and George had started a revolution. They were gone though, so I led their noble battle in the way of destruction and disaster and towards our ultimate goal: the end of Umbridge's reign.

So that's it. That's me and my life, or the major parts and facts of it. Short, sweet, and to the point. Professor Binns ought to take a lesson.

Well, I believe this brings us to the end of the story, ladies and gentlemen. Conclusions of the uptight and formal kind suck too, maybe even worse than introductions of the same type. So I'll keep it as short, sweet, and as easy going as possible. Goodbye, my friends. I've actually learned something today. Amazing, isn't it? I didn't think it was possible, either. In spite of this, I've learned that (as ashamed as I am to admit it) I hope you had a good learning about me, because I've had a good time telling you about me. But I must go now, and I'm leaving you with this:

When any random person on any given day curses my existence, I laugh madly, and hold my head high, because I've done my job. I've accomplished what I'm supposed to. The more they moan and complain, the better job I've done. I do my job with pride, because I'm a poltergeist. I am a magical mischief maker. I am carrying on the tradition of other fine poltergeists that've set the standards throughout the years. But you see, I'm not just a poltergeist. I'm not just a poltergeist at all.

I'm Peeves. I've been roaming Hogwarts for over 30 years. This is my life. I love to do this stuff. "Give her hell from us, Peeves," Fred and George had said to me. Well, I gave her hell. I'm gonna continue giving them hell, as long as I'm able, every way I know how, and the best I can.