99 Ways to Piss Professor Snape Off

99 Ways to Piss Snape Off

Chapter 2~ The Spoon and the autograph.

Task 3: Look terrified and leave the hall anytime he picks up his spoon at
mealtimes

Duration: Nine meals

Task 4: Ask for his autograph

"Are you sure that's the third task?" Hermione asked Harry for what had to be the tenth time that day.

"Yes, Hermione, he's sure," Ginny answered.

"Three days?"

"Well, technically," Ron answered.

Hermione looked at the five of them suspiciously. They were in the Common Room discussing the next day.

"Technically?"

"Well," Lavender answered, "It's not really three days... It's more like nine meals. That he attends."

"I see..." Hermione said.

"It's like this," Parvati answered, in the straightforward way she had adopted last year. "If it was three days and he missed a meal, you're off the hook. But, if we make it nine meals he attends, it doesn't matter if he misses a whole day--you still have to do it for nine meals."

Hermione sighed. "Okay, that's fair, I guess," she admitted grudgingly.

"Oh, this is going to be a riot!" Ron exclaimed.

"How will he even know she's running out because of him though?" Ginny asked sensibly.

"Hmm, good point." Harry adjusted his glasses. "Well, here's what will happen. First of all, all of us, Hermione included, will be watching Snape. The second he picks up his spoon, we start coughing loudly. Hermione, that's your cue. You look up at him, squeal, and run out of the room. And you have to run out as if the hall were on fire! Look terrified! Wait a couple minutes, and then come back in the hall. Look as though nothing had happened."

"Won't people question why I ran out?"

"Well, say you saw a spider or something. I don't know, make it up," Ron said.

"So, when I hear you coughing, I look up at Snape, squeal, and run. Got it," she smiled in spite of herself. "This might actually be somewhat amusing."

"'Course it will!" Ron laughed.

"Well, for us anyway," Parvati pointed out.

***

Hermione walked to the Great Hall for breakfast the next morning. It was meal number one. After this, only eight more. It won't be that bad, Hermione thought. Besides, what are the odds of him even using his spoon? It is breakfast after all. No one uses spoons at breakfast, she thought, while sitting down.

No one, it seemed, but Professor Snape. Not a minute after she sat down, Snape picked up a spoon to stir something in his cup. Lavender and Parvati started coughing loudly. Ron, Harry and Ginny, who had just walked into the hall, also started coughing. Or laughing. Either way, it had the intended effect: everyone, including Professor Snape, was staring at the Gryffindor table.

Hermione took a deep breath, caught Snape's eye, looked at his spoon and shrieked. Harry, who had seen what she was doing, had motioned for the others to stop coughing. Everyone watched Hermione, who appeared to be scared out of her wits, get up from her seat, glance at the Head Table, and run out of the Hall. No one knew what to make of it.

Harry, Ron, Ginny, Lavender, and Parvati almost died from trying to hold in their laughter. They all sent sly grins to each other and winks were exchanged.

Hermione was out of the Great Hall, leaning against the door. She wondered what people would think of that, and started laughing at the look on Professor Snape's face when she had run out. Had he realized it was because of the spoon?

Hermione realized she should probably go back in. What to say, what to say... She decided against the spider, and opted for forgetting her homework in her room. Yes, that would be believable.

Hermione went back in to the Hall, told her lie, and was grateful Snape didn't touch his spoon for the rest of the meal. It seemed Snape wasn't all bad.

***

Hermione, Ron, Harry, Lavender and Parvati walked to their next class, Care of Magical Creatures, together, discussing the morning's events.

"It was brilliant!" Exclaimed Lavender.

"Abso-bloody-lutely fantastic! The look on everyone's face was priceless!" Ron added.

"Only eight more meals, Hermione. And you'll probably get off easy at lunch; no one uses their spoon at lunch," Harry said.

"Yeah, I said that about breakfast. Don't jinx it for me, Harry."

They all just laughed and headed to class.

***

Hermione had thought she was off the hook when they had arrived in the Great Hall and Snape hadn't been there. But, after five minutes, he swooped in, his robes billowing out behind him.

Hermione then thought she was off the hook after looking at the food placed on the table--nothing that required a spoon. And Hermione was right: not once did Snape pick up his spoon.

Two meals down, seven to go. Piece of cake.

***

The six of them were in the Common Room, talking and laughing. There was an hour left before dinner, something Hermione was happy for.

"And now its time for task number four!" Harry announced happily.

"What? Already? I'm not even done with task three yet!"

"But that's a long term task. This is just a one-time thing. Well, maybe two."

"Well, what is it?"

"Task number four: Ask for his autograph," Ron stated merrily.

Hermione groaned. "You're joking! That's outrageous."

"I know! It will be hilarious!" Lavender laughed.

"Great! When do I have to do it?"
"After dinner. Catch him before he gets to the dungeons. Then hold out a piece of parchment and a quill and ask. We'll be watching," Parvati told her.

"And countless others!"

"It'll still be fun," Ginny assured her.

"Yeah, for you guys."

They just laughed and informed her it was dinnertime.

***

Hermione sat down, thinking about how likely it was Snape would use his spoon. Very likely, it seemed, as she heard coughing coming from across the table. Once again, everyone in the Hall turned to see what was going on at the Gryffindor table.

Hermione glanced at Snape, who was glaring at them, then gasped, squeaked, and ran from the Hall. She could hear laughing and muttering following her as she closed the door behind her. She couldn't help but think that Snape must realize why she was leaving the hall.

She waited, then returned, claiming that she had just remembered that she needed a book to return to the library after dinner. No one noticed she came back to the table empty handed.

***

Dinner was over and everyone was leaving the Great Hall. Hermione reached into a pocket and pulled out a piece of parchment and a quill. She was fortunate that Snape was one of the last ones out of the Hall; there would be less people around to hear her request.

"Professor Snape!" She shouted. She saw him slow, but he made no effort to stop. "Professor Snape," she called once more. This time he stopped and turned to face her.

"What is it, Miss Granger?" He asked impatiently.

"Well, I uh..." Hermione broke off nervously and glanced around. Harry and the rest were there, along with a few Slytherins, who were passing by, and a Ravenclaw or two. She took a deep breath, held out the quill and parchment and said, "Professor Snape, can I have your autograph?"

A/N: Stay tuned for the rest of tasks 3 and 4 and the debut of tasks 5 and 6. I'm not sure what they will be next. I think task 5 will be: Ask him if he's 'sure about that, sir?' whenever he states a fact in class. Task 6 might be: Ask him what his middle name is, or Nickname your quill 'Snapie' and talk to it during class. I'm not sure yet. But, whatever it is, I hope it's funny. Thank you again, to everyone who reviewed! In the words of Ron, you guys are "Abso-bloody-lutely fantastic!"

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