99 Ways to Piss Professor Snape Off

99 Ways to Piss Snape Off or Annoying Professor Snape

Chapter 3~ The continuation of Tasks 3 and 4

Task 5: Nickname your quill 'Snapie' and talk to it during class

Duration: One class

"Professor Snape, can I have your autograph?" Hermione asked nervously, holding out a piece of parchment and a quill.

"Can you what?" Snape snarled.

"Your autograph, can I uh, have it?" Hermione asked, less sure of herself by the second.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on who you were) Dumbledore was there, watching the scene with an amused twinkle in his eye.

"Severus, it seems you have a fan. I believe the young lady would like your autograph," Dumbledore informed Snape.

"My...autograph?"

Hermione nodded and practically shoved the parchment and quill in his hands, eager to get away as soon as possible. She could hear giggles and snickers from people witnessing her embarrassment.

"Well, if I must," Snape sneered, regaining the use of his sarcastic wit. "Since it seems you are infatuated with me," he told her snidely, while signing her parchment.

"Oh, no sir, not infatuated," she told him, taking her signed piece of parchment and quill from him. "This isn't for me--it's for Lavender. She's the one infatuated with you," Hermione said loudly enough for all to hear. Then she turned and ran to her room, hearing Lavender shouting and running after her. The rest of the groups' laughter echoed in the hall.

Hermione reached her room and closed the door, but she could still hear Lavender shouting at her from behind it.

"That was a dirty trick, Hermione Granger! I can't believe you did that! How will I show my face?"

"Oh, clear off Lavender. If I can show my face after running out of the hall, shrieking at Snape's spoon, you can show your face after this!"

She heard Lavender sigh and then heard footsteps indicating she had left.

Hermione sank down into her chair, happy that she had her own room this year because she was Head Girl. Hermione looked at the parchment with Snape's autograph. There were two S's barely distinguishable in the scribble that was his signature.

Hermione shook her head, and wondered for the fiftieth time why she was doing this. She admitted to herself that it would be funny when they handed him the list on the last day of school at the leaving feast. It would be funny to see his face when he realized just what they had done. It would also be funny to hear Harry or one of the others talk about the list in their leaving speech. She also conceded that the two Galleons she was receiving from everyone at the end of the year after she completed all the tasks would be nice. But it was more than that. Hermione finally felt like she belonged.

She had never really been good friends with Lavender or Parvati. She had deemed Parvati a snob and had thought Lavender was only interested in Divination and make-up. Hermione had always been smart and somewhat bossy, and the three girls had never really had much to talk about. Hermione had told herself she didn't care that they didn't like her, that she didn't care that her best friends were boys who were more interested in Quidditch than their marks, but she had given that up in sixth year. It did matter, she knew, no matter what she told herself. But, now, her and Lavender and Parvati had things to talk about, and Hermione realized they were actually interesting people, in their own ways. Hermione actually regretted not finding that out earlier. It turned out Parvati was excellent in Transfiguration, so Hermione could always discuss the lesson with her. And Lavender was tied with Hermione for top of the class in Charms. It seemed the girls weren't airheads after all.

Now, Hermione fit in and had friends. She was part of a group, and Hermione couldn't deny that she had wanted that since her first week at Hogwarts. She didn't mind that some insane challenge had pulled them all together. The fact was that it had and they were all happy, they were all having fun, and they were all friends: and that's all that mattered.

***

The next two days passed uneventfully, except for the times Gryffindor table erupted into coughs and Hermione glanced at Snape and ran out of the hall.

All in all, Hermione thought, it hadn't been that bad. Sure, it was a little embarrassing, running out of the hall like that, but no harm done.

Hermione smiled at Ginny who joined them at a table in the back of the Common Room.

"Finally. Gin, we thought you'd never get here," Harry told her.

"I know, I know, I'm late. It wasn't my fault though! Snape made us all stay after while he ranted at us about the importance of something being boiled. Or maybe steamed. Anyway, what's up?"

"Well, now that we're all here, I think it's time for--drum roll please," Lavender told Harry and Ron.

Ron and Harry beat their hands against the table in a poor imitation of a drum roll.

"The fifth task!"

"Great!" groaned Hermione.

"What is the fifth task, Lavender?" Parvati asked, as if she didn't know.

"The fifth task is to nickname your quill 'Snapie' and talk to it during class," Lavender proudly announced.

"What? You're kidding, surely!" Hermione looked at the group. "But, he'll throw me out of the dungeons! Or give me detention," she could tell they weren't relenting, so she sighed and asked, "How long?"

"Actually," Harry said, "This one's only for one lesson."

"Guess you got lucky, eh?" Ginny smiled.

"Yeah, lucky," Hermione said.

Although not exactly the kind of luck she had been hoping for...

***

"So Snapie, what do you think we'll have to do today in class?" Hermione asked while looking at her quill. It was the beginning of Potions--and the fifth task. "Snapie, I can't seem to find my homework...Oh, there it is."

Snape glared at the class, looking for the talker. His gaze landed on Hermione, and his scowl deepened when he heard the word 'Snapie.' He continued to watch her; Hermione pretended not to notice.

Hermione asked, "Snapie, what's holding up the class?"

"Miss Granger, what did you just call me?" Snape asked, his voice at its silkiest.

"Oh, I wasn't talking to you," she answered him, looking genuinely confused.

"Then would you care to enlighten us as to who you were speaking with?"

"My quill, Professor."

"Your quill has a name?"

"Yes."

"And what is that name, once more?"

"Snapie."

"Why are you trying so hard to drive me crazy, Miss Granger?" he asked.

"Whatever are you talking about Professor?"

"Your quill's name is Snapie...my last name is Snape...do you see the connection?" he asked as though he were speaking to a small child.

"Actually, Professor, no, I don't see a connection. I don't mean to sound rude, but why do you think that anything I do has any relevance to you?"

"Miss Granger, I am not an idiot! The spoon, autograph, now this...I can see that this--" he broke off, looking at the confused class. "Never mind. You, Miss Granger, will not get to me! I will not be sucked into this! I won't!" He glared at the room. "Just get out! I need to be away from you all."

The class took one look at their raving Potions Master and decided they would rather be almost anywhere else. They ran from the room, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Parvati, and Lavender in the lead. Once away from the classroom, they burst into laughter.

Maybe Potions classes weren't that bad after all.

***

A/N: Two galleons is actually around ten dollars. For people who don't deal in dollars, sorry, but I'm not sure about foreign currency... Also, the link to HermioneFanFiction is http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HermioneFanFiction/ go down there and check it out. I post this story, plus a another, there before I post anywhere else.