99 Ways to Piss Professor Snape Off

99 Ways to Piss Snape Off

Chapter 1: The Insane Grin and Long Owl

Task 1: Grin insanely throughout each and every potions class.

Duration: One week.

Task 2: Owl him a long and detailed account of your summer holidays.

"Miss Granger!" barked Professor Snape. "Wipe that idiotic grin off of your face and get to work this instant!"

Hermione sat there, seemingly unable to hear him, grinning insanely at him as though he were the funniest thing in the world.

In reality, Hermione Granger was grinning on purpose. Yes, she was purposely grinning like a moron in Snape's Potions class. Frankly, the very idea was unheard of because Snape was, at the best of times, described as being 'a tad insufferable, slightly arrogant, a trifle bit infuriating, with a bit of a temper'; at the worst of times he was, well, a range of things not to be mentioned in front of anyone under ten years old.

Hermione, of course, knew all this; everyone who had been at Hogwarts for more than two weeks knew that. Despite that, Hermione had done the unthinkable, the unimaginable, the impossible: she had made a bet to do "ninety-nine things to piss Snape off" as her fellow Gryffindors put it.

It had all started out as a game, something funny to ponder at the end of their sixth year. They had been on their way to the Hogwarts Express, Harry, Ron, Lavender, Parvati, Ginny and her, when Ron, as a joke had mentioned something about Snape. Hermione hadn't really been paying attention, so she wasn't sure what exactly started the whole thing, but she sure remembered the rest of the conversation.

They were in the train, and had a compartment to themselves.

"Oh, can you imagine the look on Snape's face if someone actually did that?" Harry had laughed.

"Did what?" Hermione had asked.

"Owl him a long and detailed account of their summer vacation!" Parvati squealed.

Hermione snickered, "As if anyone would be fool enough to do that!"

"I know," Ginny giggled, "they would have to be mad!"

"Well, I don't know Gin," Ron was still laughing, "There are a few things I can think of that would be funnier..."

So they had made up a list of ninety-nine ways to piss Snape off--and had laughed the whole trip.

"Too bad we can't actually put these to good use," Lavender sighed.

"Well..." Parvati said, looking at Hermione.

"Me?" she had squeaked. "No way, not me! He'd skin me alive!"

"Aww, come one, it would be hilarious!" Ron had laughed.

"It would be fun..." Ginny had added.

"Tons of fun! Barrels and oodles and truckloads of fun!" Harry had added playfully.

"It could be interesting..." Hermione had admitted.

"So you'll do it, right?" Parvati asked.

"Are you serious?" Hermione asked. "You are, I can tell! Why me?"

"Because you're the bravest," Ron said.

"The smartest," added Parvati.

"The only one able to pull this off," Harry added.

"Without actually getting in trouble," added Lavender.

"You are the only one who would be able to pull this off..." Ginny added, a mischievous glint in her eye.

"Why me?"

"You're smart enough to think of ways to do these things without getting suspended, you'll probably be able to get away without any detentions, you're going to be Head Girl next year, and you're the only one crazy enough to actually pull this off without getting hexed out of existence by Snape," Ginny said.

"Not very good reasons..."

"What do you want from us? You're the smart one," Harry pointed out. They all laughed.

"Well...it will be fun..." she had conceded. "Yeah, yeah, I guess I'll do it." Hermione smiled. "But if I get in trouble, you all come down with me. Agreed?"

"Agreed!" they all said and shook hands with each other.

Hermione was jolted back to the present when Snape, who was saying something to her, yelled out her name. She was still grinning, which was the first task: Grin insanely throughout each and every potions class for a week. This was her last day.

"Miss Granger! Stop that insane grinning this instant! What on Earth is the matter with you? You have been smiling in this class for a week! I will not permit it! You will not smile like a lunatic in my class. No one should smile at all in my class! I am not here for your amusement! In fact, there is a new policy: I forbid smiling! I forbid it! There will be no smiling within fifty yards of this classroom! None what-so-ever!"

She was still smiling.

Snape sighed. "Fine. Grin, grin all you want. Look like the brainless twit you no doubt are, I don't mind. Class is over anyway. Get out, all of you!"

Hermione grinned her way out of class, Harry and the rest (minus Ginny) snickering as they left the dungeons.

"That was classic Hermione!" Harry enthused.

"Did he say anything about your owl?" Lavender asked.

That had been task two. On the second day of school, the day after task one had been assigned, she had been told to 'Owl him a long and detailed account' of her summer holidays.

She had gone on and on about everything she could think of. It had been practically two feet of parchment. It had talked of going to Scotland with her parents, meeting a boy there (although she left out some of the more personal details), about how cute he was, and how much her parents liked him, about her stay at the Burrow and how nice the Weasleys were, how great Harry was, what such good friends Ron, Harry, and Ginny were, about the books she had picked up in Diagon Alley, her favorite topic in school... It was long and detailed; she only wished she could have seen his face as he realized what it was.

"No, of course he didn't. What would he have said?" Imitating Snape she added, "Everyone, open your texts to page seven and read up on the Pepper Up Potion and then prepare the potion. By the way Miss Granger, I received your owl and wanted to thank you for providing me with some lovely details of your summer. I will, of course, respond to you with tales of my summer when I have the chance." She snorted. "Really Lavender, as if he would even admit he received post from me, let alone discuss it with me!"

"That's true."

They all headed to Gryffindor Tower, laughing merrily.

Two down, ninety-seven to go, Hermione thought. Her next task: Look terrified and leave the hall anytime he picks up his spoon at mealtimes. Duration: Three days.

And I thought seventh year would be fun...

TBC