The Best Mistakes

Chapter 6: In a Piercing Silence

The ancient Pensieve sat untouched on the pedestal in Orion Black's second floor study while Sirius gazed at his father's portrait with a jaw that wouldn't unhinge.

"Have you forgotten how to speak?" Orion demanded from his frame.

"No sir." The response was automatic and Sirius grimaced as the subdued tone emerged.

"So you have returned in hope of reclaiming your place in our esteemed house, have you?" Orion asked with a sneer.

It was an effort for Sirius to swallow the reflexive deference. Smashing his lips together, he turned away.

"How dare you turn your back to me!"

"Thought I had already done that," Sirius muttered as he uncorked the tiny vial.

"Yes," his father's dark voice agreed. "And your mother and I were most relieved, I assure you. It was a simple matter to erase your name from the family tree. If only you would have left us sooner, we would have been saved from the years of disgrace you wrought on our family."

Sirius clenched his teeth; his knuckles were white as he poured the viscous silver memories into the stone bowl.

"What are you doing there? I demand that you answer me, Sirius!"

Without turning, Sirius drew his wand and cast a silencing spell at the portrait. "None of your bloody business..." He leaned forward, preparing to dive into the past. But before his nose was even past the rim, the memories were lifted into the air with a noisy slurp. "What--"

The walls were pulsating.

A loud pop and the memories vanished. Sirius' jerked upright, his eyes round as he stared at the empty Pensieve. And then he turned slowly and found his father's dark smile.

"Did you forget all that we taught you?" he drawled; his eyes were full of relish. "This is my study and your magic cannot be used against me here."

Floundering as though he was four again, Sirius struggled for words. "But..."

"Has death ever stopped the Blacks?" Orion asked with a single raised brow; as dark as Sirius'. "This house may be yours--" He curled a lip. "--but everything in here is warded against you. I wish I had had time to do as much to the rest of the house. The thought of you touching anything with your filthy hands would be enough to sicken me were I still alive."

Sirius had to ignore the pounding of his heart. "I needed that memory," he said through his teeth.

"How very unfortunate for you."

"You don't understand--"

"Nor do I wish to," Orion said flatly. "Now get out before the room realizes exactly who has passed its threshold and follows through on my last orders."

"They were Reg's memories!" Sirius hated the desperate way the words emerged. He fisted his fingers and forced his voice calm. "Father, please--"

"Do you think I care what Regulus has to say?" his father spat, his painted face screwing up until it was almost unrecognizable. "He is nearly worse than you! Worse because we expected you to stain our noble house! Taking his own life in the stead of a house elf!"

Sirius shook his head as he tried to follow that. "What?"

"Nothing!" Orion roared. "It was you!" he raged as Sirius tried to interject. "It is your fault he did not follow his true path! If you had not shown him the ways of a traitor! Get out, you ungrateful little bastard. I never want to see your worthless face again!"

As if a great gust of wind had swept through the windowless room, a dusty decanter flew off the shelf and shattered against Sirius' back. Gasping, he managed to duck the next one and then he was lifted off his feet and flailing in mid-air. Tossed on the tempest of his father's fury, he crashed through the closed door and was deposited in a heap on the floor outside the study.

Dazed, he didn't immediately move; only stared at the door as it slammed itself home. The echo reverberated through the cavernous space as pain hummed a faint protest through his back.

oOoOo

Funny how quickly he got used to the ache. Though perhaps it wasn't odd at all; he had had them often enough as a child, after all. And if he stayed mostly to his left side, he hardly felt it.

Some part of him longed to call for Kreacher so that he could demand--or plead--that the elf tell him anything he knew about Regulus' decision to betray Voldemort and where his brother had found a curse powerful enough that he thought it would bring down one of the most powerful wizards history had ever known.

Was it possible that the protections Regulus had hinted at could have been transferred to Harry, if the protections had been meant for the last in their line? Or had it been just as Dumbledore told him; that it was Lily's sacrifice that had saved Harry that night?

Either way, Voldemort was dead. So it shouldn't matter.

Why then, did he need to know if Reg's protections had kept Harry alive?

Sirius sighed as he rolled carefully. It was more than a week until he would see Harry again. An entire week. Long enough for the anger to have cooled into hibernation.

Or stoked into an inferno.

Considering that Harry had agreed to live with him about five minutes after they had met, it seemed unlikely that he would be able to hold onto a grudge.

Except that Sirius had been a simple fugitive then. Not a traitorous backstabber who also happened to be Harry's father.

And wouldn't Harry be even more appalled to know that he couldn't stop dreaming of Lily? In the small moments of sleep he was allowed to snatch, she haunted him. Only now it was in memories that had never happened.

An announcement that she was pregnant, this time the sparkle in her eyes for him. Dancing in front of a low fire, grinning as she laughed and pulled him as close as her swollen belly would allow.

On the other side of the door--with Lily as she gave birth to their son. Perched next to her in the moments afterward, his arm around her shoulders as Harry gurgled up at them.

He drew a deep breath and forced the regrets away as he closed his eyes.

As he drifted in and out of sleep, Sirius couldn't decide if he should be concerned by the approaching footsteps. And he didn't even lift his head when Remus' soft voice queried through the darkness, "Sirius?"

He did flap a hand though.

More steps and then Remus' face was hovering just above his. "Why are you in the dark?"

"Having a lie-in, of course." He squinted up at his friend. "What are you doing here?"

"Have you been drinking?" Remus asked, his nose wrinkling.

Sirius blinked. "Beg pardon?"

"You reek of gin."

"Oh." Sirius winced as he sat up. "Had a bit of an accident."

Remus' brows went up. "A bottle attacked you, did it?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact." Sirius waved off Remus' questioning stare; grimaced against the dull ache still throbbing through his back as he gave his shoulders an experimental roll. "Not that I'm not thrilled to see you mate, but what are you doing here?"

Remus swept his tatty cloak off his shoulders, not immediately answering as Sirius picked his way over to the desk and began rummaging for a shirt.

"What the hell happened to you?"

Sirius glanced over his shoulder at the sharp question; Remus' eyebrows were pinched together.

"I'm tired--"

"Your shirt is torn," Remus interrupted. He moved closer, a frown slicing his features. "You're bleeding..."

"Am I?" Sirius asked in genuine surprise, instinctively twisting. "Thought it was only a bruise," he mused.

Taking extra care in peeling off the shirt, he made a face when he saw Remus' worry. "I wasn't drinking," he sighed. "I don't exactly have a secret ambition to become my mother, you know."

"Bloody hell... what did you do?" Remus demanded, catching a shoulder.

"It's just a cut--"

"It is more than a little gash. Hold still, will you? I'll close it... honestly, Sirius, were you just going to walk around like this?"

"I didn't know I was bleed--ow!" Sirius glared round.

"Sorry..." A quiet spell broke the air and Remus' grip firmed. "There you are."

"Thanks," Sirius mumbled. It was easier to move his arms into a fresh shirt. His lips tightened as he poked a finger through the bloody hole where his father's bottle had caught him.

"Going to explain how that happened?"

Sirius tossed the shirt to the back of the desk. "No." Raking a hand through his hair he turned and perched on the edge of the oak. His eyebrow rose in imitation of Remus, his arms crossing his chest loosely and finally Remus sighed.

"If you actually are falling onto bottles of gin," he said with a shake of his head, "don't you think you ought to leave?"

"I was distracted."

"By?"

After a moment's debate, Sirius blew out a breath and let his arms uncurl. "Do you remember the night my brother died?"

"Kreacher came to tell you the news," Remus said, nodding.

"Right. He gave me a letter--said Reg wanted me to have it but I didn't open it."

"James mentioned it..."

Sirius swallowed, refused the guilt and explained Kreacher's unexpected anxiety and the contents of the letter. "Reg didn't say what the curse was though," he muttered. "Didn't even say what it was supposed to do to Voldemort; only that it would protect me from him; because I am the last in our line

"But you aren't--"

"I know." Sirius sighed. "He didn't elaborate at all, simply said everything would be explained in the memories he sent along with the letter."

"Did you look at them?"

Sirius shook his head. "My father's Pensieve reacted badly to my attempt. And I know it doesn't matter," he went quickly to override any questions, "because Voldemort is dead... but I wanted to know." He hugged his ribs tightly as Remus' intent gaze seeped in.

"Because you think Harry was the actual recipient of whatever power this curse had?" Remus finally asked softly.

And it took Sirius several attempts to answer, "It's too coincidental otherwise, isn't it?" He realized how desperate his voice sounded and tried to modulate it without success.

"Dumbledore told me that it was Lily's sacrifice that saved Harry that night--her magic that killed Voldemort and I don't even know how the curse's magic would have transferred itself to Harry if its protection was intended for me, but Reg seemed intent on pointing out that it would protect me because I'm the heir to our family line, which I'm not. And I don't know when he cast this curse. When he died Lily was already pregnant--"

He gave up, letting his tensed shoulders sink. "I know it doesn't matter," he repeated softly. "But I would have liked to have known." He stared at his lap. "If his being my son..."

Saved him. But he couldn't say it aloud so he stood abruptly, grateful that his back was no longer screaming in protest, though tumbling to the floor certainly hadn't done him any favors.

"Reg switched allegiances," he said as he re-packed his box of letters, pausing to run a thumb down the picture of little Harry on his broom. Smiling, he slipped it into his breast pocket and retrieved the more recent one from the desk to put alongside it. "I wish I knew what changed his mind. You remember what he was like back then."

Frowning in sympathy, Remus nodded. "Is there any way to get the memories back?"

Sirius shook his head, certain of his father's magical prowess even in death. And he certainly wasn't going to beg. "It doesn't matter." He half-smiled at the frank disbelief on Remus' face.

"Perhaps if you summoned Kreacher?"

"Kreacher would rather see my head in the dining room next to his mother's than answer any questions," Sirius snorted. "Come on, Moony. I'll make you lunch and then I never want to see this house again."

oOoOo

Unable to still the anticipatory sweep of his tail, Padfoot waited at the crest of the hill. He had been watching since sunrise, not caring that he was hours too early. And now that he had seen the first signs of student life in the village below, he had left the protection of the trees.

Usually, Harry managed to bring his friends here first before Hermione dragged them into any of the stores. Padfoot had hoped that would be the case this morning, but the sun was rising ever higher in the sky and now he simply hoped they would arrive before noon; they would have very little time together if Harry left it too late.

And this time, he was determined that they should leave on better terms. With a smile at the very least.

Of course, he hadn't any idea how he was going to accomplish that. But it had been a week, with plenty of time for Harry to get used to the idea.

Padfoot's ears pricked as scuffling footsteps approached in the distance. His tail's tempo increased and sagged just as quickly. Dark hair that was not Harry's--and two heads of ginger, neither of which was Ron's. None of the laughing boys paid him any mind as they passed.

A pair of Ravenclaws strolled by a moment later, lips and hands inseparable.

Padfoot huffed as he sunk behind the scant protection of the trees, keeping just his snout out so he could stay alert. And though there were dozens of familiar smells, none of them were Harry's. Ron and Hermione were nowhere nearby either. And when the sun reached its peak and began its crawling descent back to the earth, he stood.

With as much care as possible, he slunk down the hill with his heart tapping a worried rhythm against his ribcage. Harry had never been this late. Students were milling around the shops, happy sounds coming from every direction so Padfoot tuned out the sounds and concentrated on scents.

He hid behind a pair of rubbish bins when he saw Hermione's bushy hair. But she was with Ginny. He scanned the crowded paths, finally spotted Ron's garish cap just coming toward the row of shops. And there was Harry right beside him.

They were just late. With a deep release of breath, Padfoot relaxed; his body sank to the cold ground. But instead of going past the shops and toward the cave, the two boys ducked into The Three Broomsticks.

His nose quivering, Padfoot watched, waiting for them to come back through the door. The sun was sinking behind the trees when they finally emerged in a pack of other students. Sirius stood automatically, poised to return to the cave when Harry glanced away from the group.

Just as quickly, he stuffed his bare hands into his pockets. His shoulders hunched inside his jacket, he plodded along with his friends as they made their way to the sweets shop.

It was dusk when the boys tumbled out of the shop. Padfoot shivered as Harry passed only a meter in front of him. And then he watched as Harry and Ron took the path that would lead them back to Hogwarts. Watched him until he disappeared and night blanketed the village.

And that's where he stayed, not moving; not caring enough to do anything but stare at the castle in the distance.

oOoOo

Gasping and coughing, Sirius' eyes shot open. He gulped in a great rush of air, his arms and legs slicing through water as he sputtered.

Water? He had just been walking through the forest to--

"Sirius!" Harry's frantic voice cut through the disorientation and within the blur Sirius found he wasn't alone. Harry was splashing along in front of him, his teeth chattering and water pouring in rivulets from his hair.

"Harry," he rasped. "What... what--"

"Are you all right? The Merpeople," Harry sputtered as his arms buoyed him, "it was the clue and all of you were down there but I didn't want them to see you; the merfolk must have known you were there--"

Sirius had no idea what he was talking about but he could see that they were in the open, in some part of the lake at Hogwarts or so it would seem. Familiar trees...

Gripping Harry's arm, he pointed to the nearest shoreline and said in between his wet wheezing, "Come on... out of here." Harry nodded, his teeth still chattering and the two of them began swimming.

As soon as Sirius' feet touched the soft bottom, he took Harry's hand, half-dragging him until they reached the raised bank. He moved his hold to Harry's elbow, using his shoulder to push from behind as Harry dragged himself over and then Sirius climbed up after.

They fell to their knees amongst the pine needles, their chests heaving as they tried to catch their breaths, each inhale interrupted by a coughing spasm.

"Are you hurt?" Sirius finally breathed. And when Harry shook his head, Sirius asked, "What happened?"

Harry shook his head again as a racking cough took over his attempt at speech. Sirius frowned, taking the moment to fumble for his wand, the effort nearly toppling him. He managed drying and warming charms before it registered that Harry was wearing some sort of bathing costume.

Somehow this had to do with the second task, which Sirius had been intending to watch from the trees; walking in that direction was the last thing he could remember. "What happened?" he asked as he struggled out of his heavy cloak.

Harry explained that Sirius had been a floating hostage alongside three others--including Hermione.

Sirius stared at him with furrowed brows. "Wait... I was the something of great value the egg's song spoke of?"

Harry's cheeks were ruddy as he nodded. "Yeah. And I had to free you. You were just tied there! I cast a spell to split the rope and then I just swam straight up," he said quickly, his words beginning to run together, "because we were supposed to take you back, but I couldn't because I panicked and if the other champions had seen you..." He swallowed and shoved his hair out of his face.

"It's all right," Sirius said quietly. A spark of hope had ignited in his chest, quickly snuffed out with Harry's obvious discomfort "Nobody saw me." Harry nodded shakily.

"Yeah... I don't think so. I was first... I'll be disqualified," he muttered. "How did they--I mean, it must have been the Merpeople who put you down there, but how did they find you?"

More confused than when they'd started, Sirius shook his head. "I don't know... here," he added, handing over the cloak as Harry shivered, "put this on."

Harry shook his head. "I'm fine." He was chafing at his bare arms as he said it. Sirius frowned.

"You're wearing swimming trunks. It's the middle of January and you haven't any shoes--"

"It's all right," Harry said. He wobbled as he stood. "The lake was charmed so it wouldn't be so cold and you cast a Warming Charm, yeah? I just need to figure out which way to go." He made a visor with his palm and squinted against the sun.

"Go?" Sirius echoed, pushing himself up as well with the cloak still wadded in his fist. "We haven't any idea where we are--"

"Well, I can't stay here--"

"No, of course not," Sirius agreed, "but we're nowhere near the castle and it will take quite awhile to walk back so just put the cloak on and we'll get started."

"I'm not cold," Harry insisted. "And you don't need to walk me back. I can find my way."

Sirius' eyebrows shot up. "I'm not letting you wander through the forest on your own."

Harry rolled his eyes. "Could you lay off with all the danger business?" he said as he turned away. "I've walked through this forest before--through a den of giant spiders with Ron and with Draco in the middle of the night when I was a first year. Once to rescue you as well, you know," he tossed over his shoulder, "so I don't think I really need any--"

Kicked out of his stupor, Sirius caught Harry's elbow and planted himself in front of his son. "I know you've decided to hate me," Sirius began in a low voice, one that was straining to break, "because in your reckoning I did something unforgiveable when I betrayed my best friend. And I am not defending that, but even if you don't want anything to do with me, you are still the most important person in the world to me and I am not simply going to disappear because you want me to."

Harry's mouth had closed, his lips nearly vanishing as he pressed them together. Glancing away, he mumbled, "I didn't say I wanted you to."

"You hardly need to," Sirius retorted softly; his throat ached. "I did finally get the point around sunset last Saturday."

Harry's eyes flew up. But before he could begin to list excuses, Sirius let his arm go and held out the cloak between them. "Put it on," he said, his voice hard and unfamiliar.

For a moment, he was certain that Harry would argue but instead, Harry dropped his gaze and took the cloak, fastening it around his neck with jerky movements. Scowling, Sirius shortened it with a spell, sent an Engorgio at the trunks and then transfigured rocks into two something that would pass for shoes. Harry put them on silently when Sirius handed them over.

"Let's go," he said gruffly. Harry clutched the cloak around him and obeyed, though he stayed half a step behind Sirius instead of matching pace.

The silence pounded against Sirius' temples as they picked their way through the underbrush, being careful to keep to the edge of the trees, close to the water. He kept his wand out, though he recognized his own paranoia--they were nowhere near the parts of the forest that Dumbledore considered out of bounds.

"They'll think I drowned..."

Sirius glanced over at Harry, who was chewing on a lip and watching Sirius with furtive eyes.

Ignoring the tickle at the bottom of his throat, Sirius murmured, "I shouldn't send a message to Dumbledore; someone might recognize my voice."

"Your voice?"

"During the war," Sirius explained as branches cracked underfoot, "we used to signal one another with our Patronuses--the Patronuses would speak with our voices to whomever we needed to contact."

"Oh."

They lapsed into silence again. The only sounds were the soft splashes of fish and the quirky calls of birds in the boughs above them. Sirius narrowed his eyes as they circled around a small dip in the lake's outline. Taking a moment to shift his mind back to romps through this forest with the other Marauders--and to exchange his point of view with a canine's, he muttered, "I think we're going the wrong way." He bit back a colorful expletive and pivoted.

"Why don't we just Apparate back?" Harry asked grumpily from behind.

"We could get closer to Hogwarts then, but I wouldn't want to appear out in the open--"

"Why not to Hogsmeade then?" Harry insisted as he caught up with Sirius. "We could go to the cave."

"Because," Sirius said tiredly, "I don't want you walking back alone and this way we can make it to one of the passages in the back of the castle without being seen--"

"I can walk down the lane to Hogwarts," Harry said stubbornly. It took Sirius a moment to realize he had stopped walking; he turned slowly. Harry wasn't exactly glaring but the line of his jaw wasn't promising. "I walk all over the grounds all the time and nothing ever happens."

"Nothing?" Sirius echoed. "Except when you are stalked by a teacher who is possessed by Voldemort or hunted by Acromantula apparently? And wasn't it you who went after a basilisk?"

"Well, I'm still here, aren't I?" Harry shot back, making Sirius wince to think of how many times fate had intervened in this kid's life. Harry blew out a noisy breath. "You can walk me to the Shrieking Shack if you want or follow me to the sweet shop and I'll take the tunnel from there."

"Thank you very much for that concession," Sirius drawled. "But we are not Apparating."

"Why?" Harry demanded, the word nothing but a puff of frosty air. "Everyone is going to think I drowned--"

Sirius carefully kept his tumble of emotions to himself as he turned back to the forest. "We'll have you back to the castle in an hour or two," he said evenly. "We can't be that far."

"We would be even closer if you would just Apparate to Hogsmeade--"

Sirius spun round, startling Harry enough that he took a step back but Sirius barely noticed. "Are you going to be so disagreeable every time you see me?" he demanded. "I'm very sorry that you don't want a father--or would rather have had James, but I can't actually change any of that and no matter how little time you spend with me, I am still going to be your father.

Harry's entire face had turned crimson. But instead of answering, he swung around and ploughed ahead into the dense trees. Sirius caught up easily though, his voice hoarse as he asked to the back of Harry's head, "What have I done to make you think you would hate having me for a father? If it's only because of how it happened, Harry, I don't know what else to do. How else to make you understand how sorry I am. You have no idea how sorry--"

"I know you're sorry!" Harry spat, stopping so abruptly that Sirius nearly toppled over him. "You already told me how much you regretted it! That you didn't love my mother!" Harry was shouting now, the tendons in his neck straining. "I get it! I'm a bloody mistake!"

Sirius, his mouth already half-open for a retort, frowned. "You are no such thing--"

"Yeah right," Harry said hoarsely. "I heard you perfectly clearly. A mistake shouldn't change the way you think about your parents."

Sirius' chest constricted as his own words were parroted back at him.

"You hate what you did to them and I'm just a reminder of how awful you feel. You don't have to keep explaining it!" Harry's shoulders slumped. "I get it," he whispered.

"Harry..." Harry's eyes were shining as he twisted away, but Sirius grasped his arms, gently turning him when he resisted. "Harry, no..." His throat was clogged and he had to push to make the words come out. "Come here," he breathed, maneuvering Harry so that he was sitting on a large rock they hadn't yet circumvented and he crouched until he was looking directly into Harry's eyes.

"You are not a mistake," he said quietly. "I didn't mean it that way, not at all. I was trying to explain that what your mother and I did... wait," he added quickly when Harry shook his head, "please let me finish. I didn't know what to say to you, and when you said you didn't want a father, I wanted you to know that you didn't have to accept it, that it was all right with me if you didn't want to think of me as anything but your godfather."

"But Harry," he said, his fingers gripping tighter as he watched his kid struggling with tears he refused to shed, "that was a lie. It is not all right with me if you don't want me to be your dad. I've felt wretched for weeks and I know I can't make you happy with the situation and I can't even explain how this feels and I won't be able to I think; not until you have a child of your own, but knowing that you're my son..."

Sirius felt himself smiling, as he always did when it hit him like that. "It's the most extraordinary feeling," he said quietly. "And perhaps it's a terrible thing to say because I truly did not want to hurt James, but I'm very glad I spent that night with your mother. You wouldn't be you, don't you see?"

Harry didn't answer; his nose was twitching with his effort to keep the tears away. Sirius conjured a handkerchief and pressed it into Harry's palm. Harry swiped at his runny nose, sniffling almost silently.

Smiling softly, Sirius brushed the errant fringe from Harry's eyes. "I know I told you that I didn't love your mother--not in the way you wanted me to, but if it helps at all, I think I could have loved her. If James hadn't come back to us, I could have; she was an extraordinary woman, Harry and I did feel close to her when we were together. I didn't think you wanted to hear this or I would have tried to explain better. I don't know if you want to hear it now..."

Harry swallowed, but his indrawn was shaky and he only shook his head, although Sirius didn't think it was really an answer to that particular question.

"You are not a mistake," Sirius repeated, firmly this time as resolve and renewed warmth made his voice strong. "I could not be happier that you are my son."

Harry swallowed again and his voice cracked as it emerged, "But you didn't want to betray James."

"I know... It's a complicated mess, Harry, but it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is you and me; that we're here and even if you just want a godfather, I can live with that, even if it will probably kill me." He tried a lopsided smile but instead of humour, Harry's eyes filled with tears.

"I didn't mean that," he said thickly, swiping at his eyes with a wrist. "I didn't mean to say it."

A pent-up breath escaped Sirius' lips. His smile wobbled. Hoping it was the right thing to do, he stood, pulling Harry with him and into his arms. It was all the encouragement Harry needed and he was hugging Sirius just as tightly.

"I'm sorry I made you feel unwanted," Sirius murmured as his fingers wove through the dark hair. "I never want you to feel that way. You are more important to me than anything, do you understand that?"

Relief swept though him as Harry nodded. He closed his eyes on the gathered tears and let his cheek rest amongst the tangles.