The Best Mistakes

Chapter 5: With a Beloved Regret

I should be happy to have a father.

Sirius' forced the painful words away and focused on Harry sitting across from him. The silence had stretched on for too long. Harry's tea cup had long been drained.

But when Sirius tried to speak, no words emerged and he had to clear his throat. Harry jumped at the noise. He quickly brought his head up; Sirius didn't understand the guilt splashed across his face. Sirius smiled and hoped that might help. Harry had every right to his feelings and Sirius didn't want him feel guilty for them.

"I should like to explain what happened," he said, his voice less measured than he would have liked.

"That's all right," Harry said stiffly. "You don't need to."

Sirius kept his frown carefully hidden. "I think I do," he said softly. "I want you to know that I cared a great deal for your mother. I--" He had to swallow to get through the rest. "--didn't love her in the same way your dad did." Harry looked away and Sirius rushed on, "But I didn't do it to hurt her. When I thought... your dad was dead, we were both devastated... I know it doesn't make it right, but I need you to know that I never meant to hurt her."

He stopped then; his voice was hoarse and Harry's jaw was tight as he stared at the row of cupboards.

Sirius thought it was probably too much for a fourteen-year old to be able to handle--or understand. "I am very sorry, Harry." When Harry didn't even acknowledge him, Sirius asked quietly, "Is there anything else you would like to ask me?"

Harry finally looked at him; he shook his head.

Sirius leaned forward a little. "You can ask me anything, Harry. I know you're still angry with me and that's all right." He didn't think he sounded as encouraging as he meant to because Harry frowned.

"I'm not."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. Harry glanced away, a slow breath expanding his chest. "How did you forget then?" he asked.

Reluctant to bring Lily under fire--especially when Harry was already angry enough at him, Sirius hesitated. "Sometimes... when a person is under extreme stress--that is how Pomfrey explained it--a memory can be blocked, and Pomfrey found the blocked memory when she examined me."

It was inaccurate at best, an all-out lie at worst, but he couldn't bear for betrayal to haunt those green eyes again. And Harry was beginning to look a little gray.

"Nothing needs to change," Sirius said quickly, only wanting Harry to smile again. "We'll go on just as we always have. You'll be back at Hogwarts the day after tomorrow and I will be in Hogsmeade again, and Dumbledore has already said he will schedule a trip for next week; before the next task."

"You don't have to do that," Harry said quietly. "You have a house here."

Sirius didn't answer immediately as he wrestled with his emotions. "I want to be around in case you need me," he said. "Your parents named me your godfather and I would be making a pretty poor job of that if I don't do what I can to keep you safe."

He didn't mention that he wouldn't have been named godfather if Lily hadn't obliviated him. In all likelihood, he never would have met Harry at all.

Harry finally nodded. "OK." He was studying the dredges of tea in his cup.

"And of course," Sirius tried a little harder, though he felt like his lungs were being squeezed, "I will be nearby for the next task. Have you given more thought to the egg?"

Harry was spinning his saucer idly. "Cedric told me to take it in the prefect's bath when we were on the train. He didn't say why." He shrugged as he glanced up. "Reckoned since the champions have to go back early, I could try it then. The castle will be empty."

Two days.

That's all they had to sort this.

"You could use the bathtub here," Sirius offered.

Harry pinched his lips together and then he straightened. "All right." A pause. "Thanks."

The formality was worse than the stiffness somehow. Was it really so awful that he was Harry's father? Or was it strictly the betrayal?

Undecided which would be worse, Sirius smiled. But before he could say more, Harry stood. "No reason to wait... if that's all right?"

His throat tight, Sirius nodded.

His movements solicitous, he took his tea things to the sink, setting them down gently enough that there wasn't even a whisper as they landed. Harry tried a smile as he turned; it failed miserably. Ducking his head, he trudged up the stairs.

As soon as his footsteps faded away, Sirius pressed his face into his hands, his shoulders shaking with all the tension he'd kept so close to his heart for the past three days. There were no tears; no pity either. He had created all of this.

Lily shouldn't have taken your memory, a small voice told him but he pushed it away. Lily had meant well, of that he had no doubt. She had been trying to spare him--all of them. And he didn't blame her.

James never would have recovered from this.

Sirius was convinced he never would either. How could he when every time he looked at Harry, he betrayed James all over again? He wasn't supposed to be so hurt that Harry didn't want him as a father. He shouldn't want Harry to want that.

But he did. And there was no use denying it.

oOoOo

"Thank you," Sirius murmured as he took the parcel from his friend.

"It was no trouble at all," Remus said, his smile encouraging. "How are you?"

Sirius' eyes wandered to the corridor; Harry had been holed up in the library most of the day. Remus followed his gaze.

"He's still angry?" he asked quietly.

"I don't know. He just avoids the entire subject; doesn't want to know anything about what happened."

"It is hardly a comfortable topic in the best of times... sex," Remus clarified.

"Yes, thank you, Moony," Sirius said with a roll of his eyes. "I didn't actually go into detail."

"Even without detail..."

Sirius sighed. "This is a bloody mess," he muttered, tossing the parcel aside and slouching deep in the chair. "He hates me."

"He doesn't--"

"He said he doesn't want me to be his father."

Remus' startled gaze flew to the corridor and then back again to Sirius.

"And yes," Sirius said darkly before Remus could try to soothe him, "he really said that."

"He... can't have meant it."

Sirius didn't bother to argue. "Kreacher is taking a perverse pleasure from this," he said with a scowl. "I've finally met my mother's lowest expectations. And he can't stop reminding me."

"You never planned to follow in your family's traditions."

"I never intended to come back here so she could gloat either," Sirius grumbled. "I hate this house."

Remus nodded, his eyes full of concern. Sirius turned away from it, but Remus said anyway, "Maybe if you tried to talk to him again--"

"I have tried. He hardly looks at me... not that I blame him."

"Sirius--"

Sirius ran a hand down his face. "I know you're only trying to help, Moony, and I appreciate it, I really do. But as far as Harry is concerned, I betrayed James. I did betray James..."

"You were going to tell him," Remus pointed out. "You didn't intend to keep it from him."

Sirius looked away from Remus' placid gaze. Knowing he shouldn't feel guilt, he mumbled, "I didn't tell him it was Lily's spell that obliviated me."

"Why?"

"There isn't any reason for him to be angry with both of us. She did what she thought she had to do. She thought she was pregnant..." His head was too heavy for his neck and he let it fall back against the cushion. "I should have let him stay with the Weasleys."

"He didn't want to stay with the Weasleys."

"He wanted to come back here and hide in the library?" Sirius shook his head and blew out a breath. "Sorry; I know I'm a terrible bore."

"Would you like me to speak with him?" Remus asked after a moment.

Sirius sent his friend a small smile. "Thanks, Moony, but I don't think that would help."

Remus leaned forward a little. "Well, if you think of anything that I might do; anything at all."

"I know," Sirius murmured, more grateful to the other man than he could put voice to. Remus smiled as he stood; he gripped Sirius' hand.

"I know it sounds hollow," he said quietly, "but I do believe everything will sort itself out. You will find a way to reach him."

Sirius truly didn't think so, but he nodded for Remus' benefit. "Thank you again for fetching the Gillyweed for me."

"My pleasure. Don't wallow for too long," Remus said seriously as they retraced their steps to the front door. "And don't stay a moment longer in this house than is absolutely necessary."

"I won't," Sirius promised. "I can feel it beginning to seep into my veins."

Remus didn't smirk or tell him that was silly. Sirius had always returned in September a different person and his friends had noticed and allowed him time to reacquaint himself with normalcy. With a life that didn't include daily pain or ridicule.

"I'm always here," Remus said, using the same words he and James had uttered more than once during their years at Hogwarts. And just as it had then, it made speech difficult. So Sirius simply nodded and trusted Remus to understand. Remus smiled and when he was gone, Sirius let himself fall into the shadowed corner, imagining he could feel the pulse of life from these walls--the echo of seven generations of heartbeats.

And when he had found sense again, he straightened his father's shirt and fetched the parcel of Gillyweed from the parlour. Harry wasn't in the library and even though a cold fear trickled down Sirius' spine with that discovery, he refused to panic. His footsteps were quicker anyway and he let out a deep breath when he found Harry in the tapestry room.

He was sitting with his legs folded, his back against the wall; simply staring.

Sirius watched him, the newly familiar warmth filling his chest. It crept up unexpectedly and it had since he first saw Harry's name on the family tree. Even if Harry didn't care for the idea, Sirius couldn't seem to help it.

This incredible knowledge that this kid was his son. And though he had meant what he'd said to Harry; he had loved Harry from the first day, this was a feeling more intense. The most marvelous feeling.

He's my son.

Because he couldn't help it, Sirius smiled.

Harry looked up then, confusion blanking his expression for a moment but then he frowned and pushed himself up. He didn't say anything and after a stretch of wary appraisal, Sirius stuck the parcel between them.

"It's Gillyweed," he explained. "It will give you gills so you will be able to breathe underwater. I asked Remus to fetch it yesterday evening, after we talked about what the clue might mean..." Harry was giving him a very peculiar look, his eyebrows scrunched close together but he didn't look angry exactly... Might have been surprise except he was still frowning.

"I know there are other ways to solve the problem of going underwater," Sirius added quickly when Harry continued to stare, "but I thought it would be easier this way since you wouldn't have to learn a new spell with such short notice and I asked Remus to buy twice as much as you might need, in case it takes longer and you need more..."

He cleared his throat. "Go on and take it."

And Harry finally closed the distance and accepted it. "Thanks."

"You'll just need to swallow it just before you get in the water," Sirius explained as he slid his empty hands into his pockets. "One bundle should last an hour."

Harry nodded along with the instructions, cradling the brown box to his chest. "I'll just put this away," he mumbled; had to turn sideways so he could scoot past Sirius.

Sirius drew a slow breath through his nostrils once Harry had disappeared and told himself firmly that Harry had every right to be angry.

That conviction lasted through the silence of the evening, until the lights were off and both of them in their beds.

"How long did you fancy Mum, then?" Harry's strained voice floated from the dimness.

Sirius stilled. "What?"

Sheets rustled and he could see Harry's vague outline as the lump across from him moved. "Mum," Harry repeated. "Did you always fancy her? At school, I mean?"

Sirius stared at him while he tried to find his tongue. "I didn't fancy your mum... not like that."

"You must have," Harry said, moving into irritation once more. "You said you cared about her."

"Yes," Sirius said, wiping his clammy palm against the quilt, "and I did. Very much, but in the same way I care for Remus. We were friends."

A snort. "Just like Ron and Hermione?" He gave Sirius no chance to answer. "You must have liked her."

Sirius waved his hand as he sat up and brought the lamps up slightly, leaving Harry squinting from his pillow. "How much do you want to know about my time with your mother?" Sirius asked quietly.

Harry blinked at the blunt question and as Sirius had expected, his cheeks darkened.

"I meant it when I said I will tell you anything you want to know," Sirius said, finding it surprisingly easy to keep Harry's gaze now. "It must be an awful feeling to find out that I betrayed James. Would it be easier for you if I could tell you that I had been waiting for your mother since I first met her? That we only kept away from each other to spare James' feelings?"

Harry was gaping at him.

"Your dad... was as good as a brother to me and what happened between your mother and me only happened because we both loved him. It was worse for your mum--she had thought she was already pregnant and she was heartbroken; I was heartbroken. It was a way to connect with him again, I think. Or maybe it was a way to forget that he had died."

His voice broke but he went on anyway, caught in the memory, "It hurt more than anything and your mum was so devastated, so frightened. I had promised James that I would take care of her if something ever happened to him--we made that promise when we started working against Voldemort..."

He swallowed. Harry' lips were mashed together.

"It... just happened," Sirius said softly. "And I regretted it as soon as it was over. Not because I didn't care about her," he said quickly as Harry's face fell, "but because I knew it would probably make her feel guilty; or ashamed for betraying James and that was the last thing I wanted."

Harry turned his face to the ceiling.

"It would not have happened if we hadn't thought James had died that night." Sirius hoped that would help; didn't know what would help.

Harry nodded though. "Right," he whispered, no sarcasm to mar it. "I understand." He turned away and pulled his blanket around his shoulder. "Could you turn the lamps down again please?" he asked, as nonchalantly as if Sirius had just forecast rain for the morning.

Sirius wanted to ask him to turn around; actually he wanted to plead with Harry to talk to him. Even if all he wanted to do was shout at him. A loud and vicious row would be better than the silence.

The chilly air that permeated the room.

What more could he say?

What the hell was he doing wrong?

Harry's back was taut. Sinking back onto his pillow, Sirius spelled the lights off, plunging them into blackness.

oOoOo

The next morning came much too quickly.

"You certain you have everything?" Sirius asked. Harry nodded as he closed his book bag. "Gillyweed?"

"Yep."

"The mirror?"

Harry patted his pocket.

Sirius had only thought of them in the middle of the night, and though he doubted Harry would care for a chat, at least he would have them in an emergency.

"I will see you a week from Saturday in Hogsmeade then?" he asked as Harry pulled his jacket on.

Harry didn't look up from his zipper. "Sure."

Sirius caught his wrist before Harry could slip into the corridor. Harry turned slowly to meet his gaze. "If you need anything," Sirius said quietly, "just use your mirror. Anything at all."

"I know," Harry said, but his voice was full of the soft anger Sirius was getting used to; he wondered if Harry recognized it.

Before Sirius could decide whether Harry would tolerate a hug, Harry flexed his fingers, tugging against the hold. His jaw tightening against the hurt, Sirius released him.

"Dumbledore is waiting," he said gruffly as he stepped back to allow Harry to go first. For a moment, Harry's eyes were too bright, but just as quickly, he dropped his head, his hands stuffed into pockets as he hurried down the dark passage.

"Ready?" Dumbledore asked with his most benign smile when they reached the door. Harry nodded wordlessly and adjusted his bag over his shoulder. "Mr. Weasley is going to meet us at the station with the other children. And of course, Cedric will be there as well. I am very much looking forward to this," he added. "I have always wanted to ride the train without a crowd."

A pasted smile was Harry's only response.

Dumbledore smoothed his long beard over the dark burgundy vines decorating his robes, worry darkening his open expression as he glanced between them. "I will step outside," he murmured, "while you say goodbye to your father."

Harry's eyes flew up. Sirius froze as well. A dark flush stained Harry's cheeks and his bunched fingers stretched the fabric at his pockets as he strained so obviously not to look at Sirius.

"That's all right," Sirius said so quickly he stumbled over the simple words. His muscles taut with restraint, he gave a faint smile. "Take care of yourself and I will see you in a week."

"Right," Harry said, glancing up briefly. His cheeks still glowing, he mumbled something that might have been a farewell and then yanked open the door. With a deep sigh, Dumbledore patted Sirius' shoulder.

"I apologize," he murmured. "I did not realize..." He shook his head and let the thought hang. "Take care, my boy."

With the click of the knob, Sirius was alone.

The walls couldn't move, so he was probably only imagining that they were closing in on him. A sharp breath told him he wasn't breathing properly so he pressed his lips tightly together and pivoted. He studiously ignored the merry lights of the Christmas tree and went into the library.

The rumpled quilt on Harry's bed didn't help his mood. He muttered an oath as his foot caught on something sticking out from under the bed, nearly sprawling. The box of photos and letters he had shared with Harry, he realized as he sank onto the tangled of bedclothes.

Pulling the box from under the bed, he dragged idle fingers through the years. Writing that wasn't immediately recognizable caught his eye. He shifted it out of the pile, his brow furrowed. A crumpled envelope... the Black Family crest impressed in wax... His own name on the front... Regulus' script...

An envelope, a crack of Apparition disturbing the night...

James recovering...

Kreacher.

With a jolt, Sirius remembered what this was. A letter from Reg, delivered to him by the house-elf on that same night. It was the only time he had ever seen the sheen of tears in Kreacher's hateful eyes.

Master Regulus wanted Master Black to have this.

Sirius closed his eyes. He had put the envelope way that night; stuffed it under his pants and refused to think of it ever again. It had hurt too much.

Searching for the pain now, he found it; as sharp and fresh as it had been when it was new.

A squeak brought his eyes open. Kreacher was standing in the doorway, his wide eyes bulging out of his head.

In no mood for the elf's bile, he snapped, "Go away." But the elf did not move. His hands began to tremble.

"Master never opened Master Regulus' letter," he breathed. "Kreacher told Master Black to open the letter."

"I know," Sirius muttered irritably, clutching the letter in his fist. "It doesn't matter--"

"Yes, yes, yes," Kreacher cried, hoarse now. "Master Black was meant to open the letter! Master Regulus was most brave... No, no, no," he sobbed "No, Kreacher told Master Black; Kreacher told Maaaaster Blaaaaack..." The litany poured out, louder and louder until the words were nothing but a shrill screech as his tiny fists pounded at his head and then with a deafening crack, the elf was gone.

Sirius stared at the empty doorway, the parchment crackling as he uncurled his fist.

Ten minutes later, he was still staring at his brother's final words, a vial of memories resting placidly on the bed beside him.

... I have brought the full power of our family upon the dark lord. An ancient curse, that he has no hope of escaping and one which will protect you from him. The serpents have devoured the lightning and you will harness its power.

And as much as you hate everything we stand for, Sirius, you are still a Black. The last heir in our line and it is through you that the curse will reach its full potential. It is through you that the dark lord can be destroyed.

TBC...