Lily's Charm: The Gift

1981

Severus quickly chanted the necessary charms over a squirming Harry before the toddler managed to wriggle himself out of James' arms. James tightened his arms to steady him, and promptly let out a yelp as Harry tugged on his hair in protest.

"No, Harry," Severus said gently, shaking his head firmly at his son; Harry hardly looked chagrined.

"Aren't you finished yet?" James asked, eyeing Harry's little fingers, which looked ready to strike again.

Severus nodded and James quickly opened his arms. Harry wasted no time in scooting away, and toddling over to the sandcastle Lily was carving. Harry babbled delightedly when Lily handed him a shovel; he immediately began destroying Lily's hard work.

James and Severus stood up, James rubbing his head ruefully. "Why doesn't he ever do that to you?" he grumbled. Severus didn't answer, only favoring the other man with a faint smirk before turning to gaze at Lily and Harry. James gave Severus' shoulder blade a light nudge with his elbow. "Go play," he instructed.

"I do not play, Potter," he said with a disdainful sniff. James snorted at his friend.

"So then go instruct Harry in the various architectures involved in building a proper sandcastle, Snape," he suggested.

Severus' lips twitched, the closest he ever came to a smile. "Enjoy your book, James," he said lightly before moving toward the sandcastle. He sat in the sand beside his son. Harry promptly gave him his shovel, giving babbled instructions while pointing excitedly to the half of the castle which he'd just beaten in.

James smiled at them and settled himself on a towel. He almost managed to stifle a laugh when Harry catapulted a shovelful of sand right at Severus' face. Severus spluttered as the grains spilled over his eyes and nose. Lily had no such compunctions. She laughed outright, holding her torso as she toppled a bit with her jollity. Severus swiped the sand away in a flurry of fingers, catching James' eye just as laughter broke through James' lips. James hurriedly buried his nose in his book.

Harry was giggling by now as well, though his attention was quickly gathered up by the waves which were gently lapping the outer walls of Lily's castle. He jabbed a stubby finger toward the water, and then turned to Severus, fisting his fingers impatiently in the air. Severus stood up fluidly and pulled Harry into his arms. He offered his free hand to Lily, which she took without hesitation, and Severus pulled her up to stand. The trio walked toward the cresting water.

"Would you like to go into the water, Harry?" Severus inquired, sounding pleased at the prospect, even to James' ear. Harry's eager fists began pumping again, this time toward the waves.

"I think that's a yes, Sev," Lily said with laugh. Severus nodded briskly, taking on this new task as he did any other--with ordered determination. Taking a few steps toward the shoreline, he set Harry gently down at the water's edge. Water licked at Harry's toes, and he squealed with delight, his bright green eyes shining with excitement. He clapped his hands together gleefully.

"Would you like to venture further now?" Severus asked solemnly. James, no longer needing to hide his smile since Severus wasn't facing him, set his book down and grinned at his grave friend. Harry, of course, had no answer for his father, but that didn't dissuade Severus.

He simply stretched his index finger toward his son. Harry's entire fist wrapped around the proffered digit. Taking Lily's hand as well, their fingers twining naturally together, they stepped into the waves together.

--

1996

Harry grinned at his father, feeling almost giddy with excitement. Severus was feeling rather pleased himself. Harry only had one request for their holiday, and Severus, though it was honestly one of the last things he would choose to do, had agreed immediately. And the look on his son's face was already well worth the dislike of his choice of activity.

"You are ready, I presume?" Severus asked, though he already knew the answer. But he enjoyed Harry's eager nod anyway. "The Disillusionment Charm will remain over us as long as we do not stray too far apart." Harry nodded again, beginning to look impatient now; Severus suppressed a small smile. "I trust," he said, forcing a measure of mock-severity into his tone, "that you will not attempt any dangerous stunts?"

Harry sighed loudly, his fingers beginning to quiver. "I won't," he agreed when his father simply stared at him, obviously waiting for an answer. Severus considered him, as if honestly trying to decide whether or not to believe him. Harry groaned. "If you don't hurry up, I'm going to leave without you," he threatened. Severus smirked at him.

"I do not believe you will," he returned, and then before Harry had a chance to catch the movement, Severus had kicked off from the ground. Harry's grin lit up his entire face and he followed suit, sending his broom streaking toward the starry sky. With a whoop of delight, he passed his father, and then yanked the tip of his broom around to send it zipping in a loop around his dad's hovering broomstick.

"What?" he asked when he came to stop, with an innocent smile at his father's frown. "That wasn't a stunt."

At his father's raised eyebrow, Harry grinned again and sent his broom tumbling over itself, so that he was spiraling down toward the earth in a blur of cloak and jeans. Severus' breath hitched, his fingers poised on his wand as Harry almost met the ground, but Harry pulled up just in time and came careening back to hover once more in front of his father; his wind-blown hair and wide grin the only sign of his aerobatics.

"That was a stunt."

Severus glowered at him. Harry's eyes were twinkling, and Severus almost couldn't manage to growl his threat. "Do that again, and we will be taking a Portkey," he warned. Harry nodded solemnly, though his twitching lips gave him away instantly. Severus had a rather disconcerting urge to swat the back of his cheeky son's head, but he settled for a narrowed-eyed glare before turning back toward their destination.

"I'll try to keep it slow so you'll be able to keep up."

Severus turned quickly toward his son. "Are you insinuating that I am less than proficient on a broom?" he demanded.

"Yes." Harry's mirth bubbled over as Severus' eyebrows shot up in genuine surprise at his son's honest retort. Harry was chortling as he nudged his broom forward. The almost imperceptible movement sent him rocketing forward, and Severus, shaking his head in amusement, took off after him, forgetting for the moment that he didn't particularly enjoy being at this altitude.

"Too fast?" Harry challenged as he picked up speed, glancing over his shoulder at his slightly trailing father. Severus bent low over his broom, and with a nudge that didn't have nearly the finesse of his son's, he whooshed past Harry. An instant later, Harry was at his side, his easy smile making Severus see just how effortless this was for him.

And though it seemed Harry's fingers were itching to pick up speed again, he glanced over at Severus and grinned again, obviously wanting to remain by Severus' side. Severus smiled as well, allowing his lips to lift fully in response. Harry looked happier than he had in weeks. And so Severus gave up any hesitation on his own part, and made a motion for Harry to take the lead. Try to refrain from giving me a heart attack, if you would, his flame suggested lightly.

Harry, his eyes lighting up, gave a little shout of affirmation and with without any nudging motion that Severus could detect, he had swerved to the right toward a thick copse of trees. There was no reason that Severus could see to change directions, but Severus followed anyway.

"Just like a roller coaster!" Harry shouted as they swooped up and down over the protruding greenery that was very much like a long series of hills. With a sly smile, Harry abruptly released his hold on his broom handle and spread his arms wide. And although Severus had no idea what a roller coaster was, he blanched. "No hands!" Harry shouted, laughing now as he watched his father's face contorting with both irritation and anxiety.

"Unless you would like to finish this trip on my broom, I suggest you put your hands back where they belong."

Severus didn't exactly snap the command, but Harry recognized his father's seriousness easily. Harry didn't think his dad would actually make him get off his broom, but it was clear that he didn't appreciate the thrill of riding without gripping the broomstick the way Harry did, and since Harry didn't really want to make his father nervous, he obeyed.

"Sorry." He tried not to grin too hugely, but he couldn't really manage it; he was simply too excited. He'd forgotten how much he loved to fly. The adrenaline was pulsing through his veins, making him feel rather euphoric. Severus shook his head, and Harry was certain his lips were twitching with amusement.

And so it went, with Harry guiding them toward scenery that Severus would have avoided, though Harry kept his hands firmly around his broomstick, while they flew through the moonlit countryside. Harry slowed their breakneck speed only to admire the twinkling lights of villages along their way. But once they came to the water that marked the beginning of the end of their flight, Harry sent his father a mischievous look and then without warning, he and his broom were diving toward the water.

For a wild, panicked moment, Severus thought Harry meant to actually dive into the water. "Harry!" he shouted before he could stop himself. Harry looked up, but instead of breaking the surface, he guided his broom so that it was just above the water, his smile widening with delight as he took in the panicked look on Severus' face, which was now transforming into a scowl.

Harry, still smiling, gripped his gloved hand in his teeth, yanked the glove off, and then dropped it into the water, and allowed his fingers to trail a along beside the broom. He closed his eyes, enjoying the cold water against his skin. He heard a soft whoosh.

"I believe I asked you not to give me a heart attack."

Harry opened his eyes to find his father beside him, still scowling. "I can't help it if you think I'm daft enough to fly into the water," he retorted.

"I do not think you daft at all," Severus returned. "Impetuous however..."

"Didn't you tell me not to squelch my independent streak?"

"Hmmm...I am beginning to think I need to be more careful what I say to you."

"Probably. You don't want me getting any ideas, after all." Harry ducked his head away from his father's glare, stifling his grin as he pulled his broom gently upward again; his father followed.

Once they reached a higher altitude, Harry could just make out a coastline, which he assumed was the one they were looking for, though they were still pretty far away. "Is that it?" he asked, pointing, and somehow managing to put his glove back on with just his teeth as he glanced over at Severus. Severus nodded, pointing to a spot to the east of where Harry had indicated.

Harry gauged the distance to the white sand, and then turned again his father. His eyes sparkled with excitement. "Want to race?" Severus couldn't say no to the hopeful question, so he nodded. "On three?"

Severus smirked. "Certainly." While Harry turned forward, as though he needed to concentrate, Severus said blithely, "Three." He rocketed away from his son.

"Hey!"

But just as he knew it wouldn't, Severus' head-start made no difference. Harry overtook him in a matter of seconds. He shot his father a huge grin as he whooshed past. And though Severus did try as hard as he could, Harry was doing a victory tumble through the air before Severus had even reached the edge of the property. He came to a stop just as he passed the breaking waves, and watched in satisfaction as Harry hooted in delight.

"Well done," Severus congratulated him; Harry's answering grin warmed Severus.

"You cheated, and I still won," Harry chortled as he indulged in several spiraling twists while he and Severus made their way back down to solid ground. He dismounted with a flourish, his excitement spilling over. Severus waited to dismount until he brought his broom to a full stop against the sand.

"I do not cheat."

"You were supposed to wait until I counted to three!"

"You simply said, 'on three', and I did say three. Did you not hear me?" Severus asked, his eyebrows raised in innocent question. Harry was very tempted to stick his tongue out at his father, but he let out a small snort instead as he turned to survey the beach stretching out before them. The sand was glittering in the moonlight overhead...it would be a full moon in less than a week.

Harry turned abruptly to his father. "We didn't tell Remus about the Minister."

Severus drew his eyes from the cliff looming above them. Harry's cheeks were flushed darkly, likely from both the cold and their excursion. His eyes were crinkling with worry though. "I sent the parchment to his quarters," Severus assured him. "He will find it as soon as he makes it back there."

Harry cocked his head a little, wondering over the amusement he could feel from his father's flame. But he nodded anyway, and then turned his gaze to the spot where Severus' eyes had strayed again. "You're certain you don't mind coming here?" Harry queried, noting the stiffness in Severus' jaw.

Severus turned to face him, his eyes perfectly calm, and light. "I am certain. I was never able to bring your mother here."

Harry nodded, understanding the ease in his father's voice now. When he'd mentioned in passing last night, that he would one day like to see his father's childhood home, he'd been afraid it was a selfish wish on his part; after all, Harry really had no desire to visit the Dursleys again, even if for some insane reason, his father wanted to. But as soon as he'd said it, Severus had immediately asked him if he'd like to visit on their holiday. He hadn't seemed to mind then either, though Harry had wondered if his father would have agreed to anything at that point.

"Shall we go inside?"

"I can't see it," Harry reminded his father. Severus' eyebrows rose pointedly. Harry smiled and announced to the air in general, "Snape Manor." Harry watched as the empty space above them shimmered and then, where there had been nothing on the cliff a moment ago, a spacious manor appeared. There were shimmering gargoyles guarding the wide steps leading up to the door, and it was even larger than Simon's estate had been. "We should have landed up there, I think," Harry said as he studied the steep incline of the cliff face. He was surprised when his father smiled slightly; he almost looked excited.

Severus beckoned Harry forward, bringing them both to a halt a few centimeters from the sheer rock. Harry furrowed his eyebrows in befuddlement as his father ghosted his fingers in an arc above a single divet in the surface; the pads of his fingers barely touched it. But then Harry gaped as a man-sized rectangle formed. Harry squinted, even though he was still wearing his glasses, but honestly what he was seeing shouldn't have been there. There seemed to be a room inside the cliff. His eyes darted to his father. Severus was watching him, clearly amused.

"Erm...why do you have some sort of secret room in the cliff?" he finally managed to ask.

"The room is not a secret. It was my bedroom in Snape Manor."

"Your...bedroom?"

"Put your hand through the opening," Severus directed, his eyes glinting.

"Okay..." Harry complied, but his hand didn't simply go to the other side; there seemed to be a bit of resistance, as if he'd just plunged his hand in syrup. But he did manage to get it through to the other side. He waved his hand back and forth a bit and the rest of the rectangle seemed to sway a bit. "What is this?"

"It is a portal. It will take you directly into my bedroom."

"Why?" Harry wondered, still waggling his hand; the slightly cloying pressure against his wrist was oddly soothing. "Wouldn't it make more sense to have a portal into your sitting room or something?"

"It would," Severus agreed, "if it had not been a secret from my mother and father."

Harry brought his hand out, startled; he gaped at his father. "You made a secret portal so you could sneak out of your house?" he finally spluttered. If anything, Severus simply looked even more amused. Harry waved an impatient hand as he realized the irony of his shock. "I know I am the last person to talk about sneaking around, but...it's you!" He could think of no other way to explain it.

"Just how many times did you sneak around?" Severus' eyes were shining with curiosity now. Harry shook his head though.

"You said I'd get the first choice of topics, remember? And this one is definitely not it."

"So I did," Severus agreed easily. "We will revisit this one however."

Harry folded his arms across his chest; the wind was rather bitter. "Why?" he asked curiously. "You're not going to..." He hesitated, thinking it would be awfully awkward if his father answered in the affirmative to a question about whether or not he planned to punish him for every mistake he'd ever made. "I mean, I'm...er...not going to do anymore sneaking...if that's what you're...concerned about."

"No? Why?"

Harry chewed his bottom lip while he tried to make sense of the query. "Why?" he repeated. He couldn't think what his father was really asking. "Well, I can't think you'd be too pleased if I was to...erm...you know-" he waved his hand in a vague fashion. "-sneak around the castle or something like that."

Severus suddenly looked very serious, and then Harry felt a wave of emotion cresting over him. He blinked. "Why are you lessening your shields?"

"I wish to speak to you honestly, without any miscommunication. And there is certainly no need for you to be anxious over the topic of your mischievous adventures over the past years."

Harry smiled at the way his father so delicately termed his adventures. But in the interest of honesty, he said, "Well, I wasn't sure you'd wouldn't want be thinking of some sort of punishments for all the times I used the invisibility cloak." He shrugged when his father's eyebrow rose quickly in surprise.

"You believe I wish to punish you for each one of your past misdeeds?" he asked quietly, his unease over the idea projecting loudly through their connection. Harry quickly shook his head.

"Not really," he reassured his father. "I mean, you can't even really manage to punish me now, when I actually deserve it." As soon as he said that, he sucked in a small breath. He hadn't meant to be quite that honest. Severus was staring at him, surprise radiating over both of them in a tidal wave.

"What do you mean?" he demanded quietly. But Harry shook his head quickly; he wasn't sure why he'd said that.

"Did you slip me some Veritaserum?" he jested weakly. His father narrowed his eyes.

"Veritaserum only compels you to tell the truth when asked a direct question." He paused, his eyes sweeping over Harry's nervous form. "What do you mean that I cannot manage to punish you?"

"Nothing," Harry said with a languid shrug; the high from their flight was quickly wearing off. "I'm not really sure what I meant. I didn't really mean to say it."

"Perhaps my own emotions are pulling against yours. But regardless, you were obviously thinking it. What exactly have you done that I might wish to punish you for?" The question was filled with curiosity, though Harry could feel hesitation and anxiety in his father's mind. Funny, with a question of that sort, Harry would have expected a least a touch of irritation, but there was none.

"I didn't do anything...not since you rescued me from Voldemort anyway..." He shrugged. His father studied him with narrowed eyes.

"You are referring to the way you were acting while you were affected by Black and Voldemort?" he inquired. "I already explained that that was not your fault."

"I know. It doesn't matter," Harry told him wearily, not really wanting to get into this discussion again.

"It does matter," Severus disagreed. "Our inability to speak frankly with one another has caused far too much damage. And I am not willing to allow it to continue."

Harry studied the waves breaking over the large outcropping of rocks to their left. He watched them silently, trying to find the courage to continue a discussion he'd never wanted to have in the first place. "I'm really sorry about what I said to you last night. I wasn't trying to make anything-"

"Harry." Severus' fingers had found Harry's chin and his face was turned back to face his father. "Are you under the impression that I am angry with you because you spoke the truth?"

Harry shook his head, a smile creeping onto his lips. "You're not letting me apologize again."

"And you," Severus retorted softly, "are changing the subject to one that makes you feel less uncomfortable."

An apology was on Harry's lips at the charge, but then he cocked his head to the side, giving his father a considering look. "You're the one changing the subject. And that's what this is, so long as I speak the truth, or it can somehow be construed that it's not my fault, my apologies aren't allowed, right?"

Severus released his chin abruptly, exasperated. "Why do you feel a need to apologize so incessantly?"

"Why can't you ever just let me?" Harry demanded.

"Because, there is no need for you to apologize for speaking the truth."

"I wasn't even apologizing for that!" Harry had no idea why he was feeling so irritated all of a sudden. "I called you an arsehole, you know. And a git."

"You did not call me either one of those names. You simply said I had once been-"

"That's still not something that most fathers would appreciate!"

"I did not appreciate it," Severus said quietly.

That struck Harry a bit in the gut. "Then why don't you let me apologize for it?"

"I was an arsehole, Harry. Many times over."

"So?" Harry challenged, but he had deflated a bit with the squirming in his stomach. "I'm pretty certain most fathers are berks to their children at some point, but that doesn't mean their sons are supposed to tell them so." Harry really had no idea what he was trying to say.

Severus nodded slowly, his eyes slowly untangling Harry's thoughts in a way that Harry couldn't often manage. "And you wish me to act as any father would when his son calls him an arsehole, whether or not he's referring to a past incarnation of said father?"

Harry stared at Severus. Well that was certainly a convoluted way of putting it! "Yes," he finally exploded, feeling completely exasperated and ridiculous in about equal measures. What the hell sort of conversation was this, anyway?

"I would like to show you something." Severus' voice sounded strangely calm, but his disquiet was all Harry could feel. Severus gestured toward the portal. "Step through, if you would," he directed. Harry, feeling very anxious did, and this time, he felt like he was wading through a vat of syrup to get to the other side. He waited nervously in his father's old room while Severus ducked a little and stepped through after him. The portal shimmered out of existence. Harry would have been fascinated by that, if he hadn't been wondering what exactly his father wanted to show him.

Harry looked around the room. The room was very stuffy, filled with expensive-looking decorations, and nothing that would have held the interest of someone Harry's age, which would have been the same age his dad would have been when he'd last inhabited this room.

"Eileen decorated the room," Severus told him, catching on to Harry's thoughts. "She did not believe that children should be allowed to express themselves..." His eyebrows puckered. "I never asked if you would like to personalize your room. You may, of course, if you wish."

Harry nodded absently; his thoughts had not left their conversation. "You wanted to show me something?"

Severus nodded. "My father's study." Confused, but intrigued despite himself, Harry followed Severus out of his old room and into the corridor. This was nothing like Sirius' dank, dusty house. It was well-kept, and bright. And it was obviously well cared for.

"How long has your mother been sick?"

Guilt roiled between them.

"Since September."

Peculiar, that. But Harry simply nodded and continued to follow his father down the slightly curved staircase. "Where are all the paintings?" he asked. It seemed odd that there hadn't been even one chatty painting...or screaming painting, in any case.

"In the Portrait room." Severus' lip curled slightly at Harry's confused look. "Eileen never liked the idea of a painting conversing with her."

Harry could understand that. "This house is huge," he murmured as they finally made it down the stairs. Severus nodded, turning them to the right.

"It will be yours someday, should you wish it."

His father stopped walking; they were standing in front of one of the ornate doors in a long corridor opposite the staircase. He turned to face Harry, who was looking at his father in surprise. Severus smiled a little, his amusement swishing over Harry's storm.

"You are my son, you realize. This house, by custom and by law, is already mine."

"But your mother's still alive."

"She is not a Snape. It was passed into my possession, along with my father's vault when he died. It is custom, of course, for the matriarch of a pureblood family to live with the eldest son, the usual inheritor of the estate." Even as he explained, Severus opened the heavy door. There was a spacious office beyond, with a heavy-looking oak desk overtaking the middle of the room.

Harry looked around, wondering just what was hidden in here that could have to do with Harry's childish wish for his father to simply be a father, as if that would somehow make all the mixed-up feelings go away. He didn't really wish that though. He enjoyed his relationship with his father, even though they were nothing like a normal father and son--

Harry scrunched his eyebrows together as he watched Severus fingering a long strip of leather--it looked like dragon's hide--hanging from the wall near the door. It was a deep, sparkling ruby red. "What's that?" he asked; the tension in the room had heightened considerably, though Harry had no idea why his father should be feeling so--angry all of a sudden. "What's wrong?"

Severus turned his head toward Harry as he slipped the red leather from its place on the wall. His fingers were clenching around the strip...and there was pain, so sharp in the air that Harry could almost taste it. "This," Severus said flatly, his tone belying the emotions biting at Harry's storm, "is what my father would have used if I had called him an arsehole."

Harry's throat had gone dry. Used? "You mean...he... " Harry licked his lips, "...he hit you with that?" The last word rose indecently in pitch, no matter that Harry was trying desperately not to let his emotions loose. But his father simply nodded smoothly, as if he was completely unaffected.

"Either that or his most prized belt." Harry shivered as his father's voice went cold through; the flames were almost icy, but Severus wasn't even looking at him now. The strap--that's what it was, Harry realized now, was being crushed and twisted in his father's fingers. Harry was beginning to feel sick as the loathing roiled off his father. Severus closed his eyes. When he spoke again, he sounded a bit hoarse. "There are many ways for fathers to treat their sons, Harry."

"I know." But Harry didn't, not really. How could he, when he'd never had one? But he did understand that his father was afraid that Tobias lurked inside him...and that Harry could understand. And still this entire topic was bizarre, but he pressed on anyway, wanting to ease his father's pain...if he could. "You aren't your father."

Severus' eyes sprung open. "Aren't I?" he asked softly, and Harry felt the tiny hairs along the back of his neck prickling. Severus' voice darkened. "Black was correct. I did abuse you, just as surely as the Dursleys did...just as surely as my father abused me."

"No you didn't!" Harry exclaimed; it wasn't the same thing at all. "You didn't know-"

"That does not absolve me."

"Then what does?" Harry heard himself asking angrily.

"Nothing." The word was an icicle plunged between them, dividing them. Harry's mouth snapped shut.

"Nothing," he repeated dully after a moment of silence. "Then why did you bring me on this holiday?" he demanded. "You said you would try. If you're so determined to never forgive yourself than why are we even here?"

Severus raised his thin, infuriating eyebrow. "My ability to forgive myself has nothing to do with whether or not we can take a holiday."

"Yes it does!" Harry retorted, but of course he could think of nothing else to go along with that brilliant argument. Instead, he asked, "What does any of this have to do with why you can't let me apologize?"

With a sharp flick of his wrist, Severus sent the red strap sailing across the room. It slapped loudly against the oak desk; Harry flinched.

Severus turned sharply; he was looking Harry right in the eye. "For the same reason that I cannot manage to punish you. I've already punished you enough. And I have no wish to hear you apologize over something as trivial as a foul name, not when I will never be able to apologize enough to you."

"Well, that's just stupid," Harry burst out before he could stop himself. "Well, it is," he said stubbornly when Severus' eyebrows shot up in surprise. "I'd apologize to Draco if I was rude to him with no cause, you know, and the little twit almost got us killed."

"Draco would feel entitled to your apology."

Understanding, disturbing and clear, dawned over Harry's mind. It is no more than I deserve... His father had said that when Harry had screamed at him after his fight with Pinth. And nothing had changed. Not a thing. Severus didn't even imagine himself deserving of a simple apology.

So many things clicked in Harry's mind, as hundreds of conversations swirled through his memories. So many times when his father had looked like he wanted to say something during an argument and had held back. Why his father had made his punishment after hitting Pinth anything but a punishment. He'd even agreed to different terms when Harry had pushed for it.

Even lying and eavesdropping hadn't made any difference. Or making a general arse of himself for days on end, not to mention drinking. Of course, his father had said he wouldn't tolerate a repeat of that, but somehow Harry didn't think he could really believe it. Especially not after what Severus had just said. And somehow that made Harry feel...well, he wasn't exactly sure how to term it, but he didn't like it. At all.

Feeling defeated, he asked, "What's next on your list?"

He felt immediate surprise at the question, followed quickly by suspicion. "You are willing to leave the discussion there?"

Harry shrugged. "You answered my question."

Black eyes narrowed, the suspicion intensifying. "And you are willing to accept that I cannot simply forgive myself?" The question was rather biting, Harry thought, but he tried not to be offended by it.

"No, but It's not like I can convince you that you should."

Severus took a step toward his son; he laid a hand on his shoulder. "I did hear you, Harry," he said gravely. "And I will endeavor not do anything to make you believe you are unwanted, no matter my own feelings." His voice was so sincere; the warmth in Harry's mind was unmistakable, and all Harry could do was nod. Even though his father was missing the point. But what could he say?

It wasn't normal, this weird feeling that he should be so insistent on saying he was sorry, and what did it matter if his dad couldn't bring himself to hold him responsible for his actions? Any of his friends would have been thrilled with such an arrangement...wouldn't they? He could probably get into even more trouble than he had managed in the past five years, and just like before, no one would even care. But at the moment, the idea of finding trouble sounded about as unappealing as a dunking his head in a cauldron full of boiling bubotuber puss.

He smiled a bit at his father, who was watching him, and looking slightly wary. "Where are we going to eat dinner?" Harry asked, keeping both his voice and storm neutral. Unfortunately, it really wasn't all that easy to fool his father.

"There is something else bothering you."

Harry shook his head, ignoring the slight twinge that accompanied the lie; his father wasn't likely to mind it anyway. "Thanks for trying." He wanted to add, "even though I was a complete prat about it", but what would be the point? His father would simply shake his head and tell him there was no need to bother with not being a prat, not for his sake anyway.

"If there is ever anything else that worries you, Harry, I would like you tell me, even if it painful to hear." Severus squeezed Harry's shoulder. Harry wanted to tell him everything that was worrying him, but he couldn't.

"Yeah...I didn't really know it was bothering me though," he said with a little shrug. "So...dinner?"

Severus nodded briskly. "Where would you like to have dinner?"

Harry gave him a half-smile. He didn't really need to consider that for very long. "Outside?" Though his father didn't seem particularly surprised at the request, Harry explained, "The stars are rather peaceful."

"Your mother and I spent most the summer before we were married, in a tent while we built our house."

"Did mum like being out under the stars as well, then?" Harry asked eagerly, momentarily distracted. Severus nodded, turning back toward the corridor. Harry fell into step beside him.

"She insisted, almost every night, that I read to her, while we sat outside our tent." Harry found himself wrinkling his nose at that.

"You read out loud to mum?" he asked. Sounded a bit soppy, that.

Severus nodded, looking amused at Harry's critical tone. "She was particularly fond of Shakespeare. Ginny might enjoy a similar activity...though perhaps not Shakespeare."

Harry doubted that somehow. Ginny didn't really seem the sort of sentimental, mushy girl who'd make goofy eyes at him while he read poetry under the moon. But he didn't say as much, wanting instead to hear about his mum.

"Aunt Petunia liked Shakespeare as well. I think she had some books that belonged to mum." His aunt had actually threatened to burn said books when Harry had found them in the attic one summer. He hadn't believed she'd really do it, but of course he didn't want to take the chance, so he'd simply allowed her to box them up once more; he'd never ventured over to the dark corner where they were kept again. "Did you ever meet her?" Harry asked suddenly, realizing he'd often meant to ask.

"Yes." The word was clipped, and Harry glanced up at his father's pinched face.

"Sorry. We don't have to talk about-"

But Severus was already shaking his head. "We may speak about anything you wish." He paused, and Harry could feel him steadying himself, or more accurately, his emotions. "Your mother and I visited her family during the Christmas holiday during our seventh year. Petunia was...one of the most disagreeable people I had ever met." He frowned. "She was most unkind toward Lily."

"She always acted as though she hated mum," Harry said quietly.

"She was jealous of your mother's magic...jealousy is easily warped into hatred." Severus' regret was painfully obvious to Harry as they stepped into an overly large kitchen, but Harry had no desire to comment on it.

"I can understand that, I suppose."

Severus stopped walking as soon as they reached an alcove near the stove. "Your mother hoped that her sister would be able to get past her jealousy. She was planning a visit to Little Whinging over the holidays...the year before she died. She hoped that you and your cousin might be able to be friends."

Confused, Harry asked quickly, "But didn't she know Petunia would hate me just as much?"

Severus was gazing at Harry with undisguised affection; it made Harry smile. "You are more like your mother than I realized, Harry. Lily couldn't help but hope that her sister would eventually move past her jealousy. She, much like you, simply expected people to be good. And she was much too forgiving of them when they did not measure up."

Harry grinned, liking the way his father said he was like his mum; it made him feel closer to her. "There's nothing wrong with forgiving people, you know," he said pointedly. Severus pursed his lips, though his flames were radiating humor at the comment.

"I believe I have heard a similar sentiment from both your mother and James."

"James as well?" Harry asked with a smile. His father's lips quirked.

"James was a very different person when he was no longer following Black's lead." Severus' face stilled as soon as the words left his mouth.

"It's all right," Harry told him quickly. "Sirius was a bully to you. And I think I already knew that James was trying to impress Sirius...Sirius sort of has a way of affecting people that way." He smiled wryly.

"You feel the same desire to impress him?" Severus asked, his eyes narrowing, obviously not liking the implications of that at all. Harry shook his head quickly.

"No...not in that way." He shrugged. "I just meant that...well, he's..." Harry trailed off, as a slow burn began to crawl across his cheeks. The last thing he wanted to do was tell his father that he'd always thought it'd be rather brilliant to be more like Sirius. Ron and the twins had practically worshipped Sirius as well. But no, there was no way in hell he was going to say anything of the sort to his father. Besides which, Harry wasn't feeling all that charitable toward his godfather at the moment. "He's a natural leader, I guess," he finished lamely.

"Indeed."

Harry didn't miss the sardonic lilt to his father's voice, which told him that his father hadn't missed what Harry had been trying so hard not to say. And Harry could almost see a question about Sirius on the tip of his tongue, so he gestured to air around them.

"What are we doing in here?" They'd packed food, so there was really no need to be in the kitchen.

Severus didn't answer. But just as he had on the beach's wall of rock, he turned a bit and ran the tips of his fingers over the stone wall inside the alcove. Harry grinned as another portal opened.

"This house is brill," he decided; much better than Grimmauld Place. "How many other secrets does it have?"

Severus' lips lifted. "This particular portal is not a secret, but there are indeed many other quirks which you may find interesting."

"Yeah? Will you show me?" The question was hardly necessary; Severus was already nodding.

"In the morning, if you wish, and while we explore, you can tell me about all of your own secret adventures over the past five years."

Harry grimaced. "Erm...all of my...?"

"Unless, of course, you would prefer to begin our day learning the various Contraceptive Charms I intend to demonstrate before we return home?" Severus drawled with an airy wave of his hand.

Harry's face flamed. "I...no...that's...no."

Severus smirked, giving Harry a little nudge toward the portal. "It is certainly your choice if you wish to delay it, although if you are hoping to delay it long enough that I will forget, I assure you...I will not." His flames were fairly dancing with laughter.

Harry groaned as he stepped through the portal. Of course not. Of all the things his father could insist on, he would have to choose that one.

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