Crucio!

Harry went down in the kitchen and helped himself to another beer. He had just finished his fifth year at Hogwarts with bad grades in everything except Potions, since he had been taking extra classes, and, of course, because it had been Snape's fault that Sirius had died. But Harry didn't tell anyone, and got top marks.

His new best friend Percy Weasley was working on a new hate-letter to Ron. Ron and Hermione had taken sides against Harry and Percy and they felt extremely offended, but slightly rebellious. Dumbledore was on Harry's side of course, but he and You-Know-Who had got a bit too much to drink at the moment, and had passed out in the livingroom.

"Come and have a swig, Perce," said Harry.

"Yeah well, it's been a rough night, so I'll have one thanks," said Percy pompously.

Voldemort came staggering out in the kitchen. "Avada Kedavra," he mumbled in confusion, and pointed his wand at Percy, who died immediately.

"Voldie!" Harry yelped.

"Calm down, Harry-boy, Dumbledore can revive him," said Voldemort and patted Harry gentle on the head. But Harry, who was a weak boy indeed, fell on the floor.

"Albus!" called Harry from the ground and Dumbledore strode silently into the room.

"Revive Percy please, Voldemort killed him," said Harry angrily, and Voldemort looked very embarrassed.

"I'm sorry Harry, but the only person who can revive him is Hermione Granger, you have to make friends with her again so she can help us," said Dumbledore with a small smile playing around the corners of his mouth.

"Why is it always ME who have to do EVERYTHING?" Harry roared, spit flying on to Voldemort who looked disgusted. "WHO WAS IT THAT HAD TO STAND RONALD WEASLEY FOR FIVE WHOLE YEARS, HUH?"

"That was you Harry, I'm afraid I don't get the point," said Dumbledore uncomprehensibly.

"Well, I really have longed for an opportunity to be friends with Hermy again so.." Harry said finally.

He Apparated to Hermione who was sitting in Ron's kitchen, drinking Pumpkin juice. "Oh, please, grow up! I drink beer!" said Harry loudly and irritable.

"Harry!" Hermione burst out, looking mildly surprised. "I haven't seen you since you broke up with me."

"Percy is dead, Lord Voldemort killed him, and Albus Dumbledore says that you're the only one who can revive him," said Harry, taking no notice of Hermione's reply.

"Oh no, not PERCY?" screamed Hermione, taking the rest of her Pumpkin juice in one gulp.

Ron came walking into the kitchen, dressed as a banana in pyjamas. "Who are you talking to, come and join me in my and Ginnys roleplay," he said. When he saw Harry, his face took a deep shade of puce and he drew out his wand. "Avada Kedavra!" he shouted, but Harry ducked and laughed wildly and madly for twenty minutes.

"Crucio!" Harry yelled and Ron started shaking and screaming in pain.

"Come on Hermy, it's now or never," Harry said and winked seducingly with his left eye, over and over again.

"Okay.." said Hermione and glanced at Harry's enormous bulging stomach. Half a second later they were both in the Dursley's kitchen.

"Kedavra Avada," said Hermione indifferently, and Percy woke up.

"Thank you Hermy," he said and wandered off.

Suddenly the doorbell rang. It was Uncle Vernon. "Harry, can we come in and eat breakfast and perhaps put on some warm clothes? It's been freezing out here all night," mumbled Uncle Vernon cautiously, because Harry had thrown them out when he was having a party, and threatened them with contacting Moody if they didn't obey.

"Sod off, Muggle," Harry hissed and picked up his wand. "STUPEFY! " He yelled, and sent Uncle Vernon flying out of the hallway and into Petunias rosebushes, where he lay, unmoving. Harry sniggered silently to himself.

"And that's the end of that chapter," said Percy pompously, who came back from wherever it was he had been.

Harry closed the door, but the bell rang once again. It was Draco Malfoy, wearing a Hawaiin shirt and a holding a big trunk in his hand.

"Can I live here? My mum kicked me out," Draco mumbled.

"Of course, let's ALL live here!" said Hermione happily and hugged Draco tightly. Harry gave her a dark look, but he couldn't deny Draco's pleading face.

He closed the door, and the bell rang for a third time. There stood Ron, his wand ready in his hand. "I'VE LEARNED A BETTER CURSE THAN YOURS, POTTER! EAT SLUGS!" he yelled. A green light soared out from his wand, but backfired, and he was thrown backwards. He coughed up three snails.

"Let's be friends, Ronald," said Harry pompously.

Voldemort came sneaking into the hallway. "BOO Ronald!" he giggled. A blue light soared out from his wand and hit Draco. Flowers came popping out of his ears. Draco took them and gave them to Hermione, who was delighted. Harry, Percy, Ron and Voldemort cast dark looks at him.

Dumbledore strode into the hallway, smiling mildly.

"Now let's all get drunk and play ping-pong." said Percy and giggled happily by at the thought of Draco drunk.

But Draco had other plans; he took Hermione's hand and walked in to the cloakroom.

Ron rushed forward and with a superior smile, slammed the door shut. "Now he's locked in and we'll have Hermy by ourselves!" he said with a triumphant expression on his face. Harry smiled, satisfied.

Voldemort got really pissed off and told Ron calmly that Hermione was in the cloakroom with Draco. Ron looked confused and went into the kitchen to get a beer. Dumbledore giggled exactly like Voldemort had done and opened the cloakroom and let Hermione and Draco out.

Everybody drank until they were as drunk as they could be. Then they played ping-pong, just as Percy had suggested. Ron ruined everything however, by telling incredibly bad jokes that only Harry laughed at. Voldemort giggled slightly although he didn't actually understand them.

On the first of September it was time for all of them to go back to Hogwarts. Voldemort had got the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor post. He giggled slightly at the thought of what he was going to do with Seamus Finnigan when he got the chance. Percy cried wildly and pompously and said that he also wanted to go to Hogwarts, so Dumbledore hired him as a lunchlady. He tittered embarrassedly when the others teased him for it.

The first Quidditch match was between Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw so Harry and Draco wandered off on their own. They arrived at Rawenclaw's common room and Draco, who knew the password, said it loudly and clearly. He glanced at Harry's bulging stomach. It was very ugly in the common room everything was made of sand and mud and on the walls hung long brown seaweed tufts.

Harry giggled. Draco smiled a crooked smile and shot another glance at Harry's stomach. Harry felt embarrassed and walked away with sad steps. Draco ran after him.

"Wait Harry, I didn't mean to look at your stomach."

"It's okay Draco," Harry lied, and he felt very proud that he had come up with such a good lie.

The next day there was a whole day of Defense Against the Dark Arts with Voldemort. The Slytherins and Gryffindors were togheter, and Harry and Draco sat with each other at the teacher's desk with Voldemort. Ron glared jealously at them but sat down next to Hermione and started to comb her bushy hair.

"Today I'm going to teach you how to master the Avada Kedavra curse," Voldemort said cheerfuly and blinked at Seamus Finnigan.

"WE ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DO THAT ONE!" called Harry and Draco and looked over at the seat which had belonged to Neville Longbottom in the old days.

Voldemort giggled and smiled happily at the boys. "Seamus, do you want to be guinea pig?" he asked.

"Well..." said Seamus hesitant.

"Come on, you'll get fifty points to Gryffindor if you do it," said Voldemort cunningly.

"I WANT TO, I WANT TO!" called Ron and looked at Hermione to see if she saw how brave he was. Voldemort sighed. Just as he raised his wand at Seamus and said "Avada..." Dumbledore walked, smiling mildly, into the room.

"Tommy-boy, the students already know how to do that one. Teach them how to defend themselves against you instead," he said calmly and walked out of the room He gave a little wink at Seamus, exactly like the one Voldemort had given him the minute before.

"Very well," said Voldemort "Come out here in the courtyard and you'll get to duel with me. Seamus can start." He smiled insolently and blinked a Parvati Patil, who was dating Seamus at the time.

Christmas was coming up and Harry, Hermione and all the others had decided to - giggling loudly - not buy any Christmas presents for Ron, but Voldemort had been very offended by the thought and said that he was certainly going to buy a very expensive gift for Ron.

Everybody who had been with Harry during the summer came with him to the Dursley's and they partied all through the holiday. The Dursleys got to camp up out on the driveway, and Ron joined them because he had been very hurt by the fact that he hadn't got any Christmas presents from anyone except Voldemort, but that present he hadn't liked.

Of course, in the end he came back. Perhaps because Dudley had kissed him in his sleep, and believing that it was Hermione, he had been very pleased. Perhaps because he couldn't stand Mr Dursley's snoring.

When they arrived back at Hogwarts Harry and Ron got were suddenly surprised that two new boys had taken over Seamus' and Neville's beds, both of wich had been empty for a very long time, because of various "accidents".

One was named John Connor and was very pleased with himself. The other one had very big ears, even bigger than Ron's, as Ron gladly announced at one of his many speeches in the Great Hall.

The boy with the big ears immediately became friends with Ron, and they became known as "The Ears" or "The two Rons" because the other boy was named Ron as well.

John and Harry soon became friends, and they used to walk around the school grounds together, just being pleased with themselves. This made Snape very angry but when he tried to piss them off they just arrogantly said to him: "You're ugly." Snape walked crestfallen away and Harry and John did a high-five.

Since both Harry and Ron had started hanging out with other people, Hermione had been left alone. And as we all know, the only people she really wanted to be with were Gryffindor boys, so she directly became friends with Dean Thomas. He still hadn't quite recovered himself from the death of his best friend Seamus.

One night Harry had a dream about Cedric Diggory, who evidently had something important to tell him. First he just stared jealously at Cedric's flat stomach, but after a while he listened to him. Cedric said in a muddled sort of way: "Not...trust...everybody...enemy at Hogwaaarts..." and then Harry woke up cause the two Rons had a contest about who could wave his ears the most and it was almost a tornado in the room.

He woke John up and they sneaked off. Harry told him about his dream and John became very red in the face and looked down in the ground.

"Why are you accusing me Harry? Is it because your stomach is bigger than mine?" he asked, still looking down.

"Dear John, I'm definitely not accusing you, I was just hoping that you might now who it was," Harry said indignantly.

"It was just a dream," said John and looked much calmer now.

"My dreams are always true," snapped Harry. Then he marched away with his nose in the air.

I'll never talk to John Connor again he wrote bitterly in his diary the next morning.

When he came into his room that evening, he discovered that his diary had been stolen. "Ginny!" he moaned.

He ran after Ginny, who was on a hot double date with Hermione, Draco Malfoy and Dean Thomas.

Harry slapped her across the face and ran embarrassedly out the door. He collided with Cho Chang, who stood in a corner and cried.

"Harry, I still like you," she sobbed.

"Talk to the hand," said Harry cockily and was just about to leave when a cold hand was laid on his shoulder. He screamed out loud with fear and turned around slowly. There stood Ginny with a reddening cheek.

"Beware Potter, I've got your diary," she said warningly.

"I know," Harry said shyly and blushed deeper than Ron had ever done -- he was madly in love with Ginny Weasley. Cho hit Ginny on the same cheek that Harry had just hit.

"I've got pictures on you," Cho snapped, and then she turned around and ran as fast as she could to Michael Corner.

Dean Thomas came walking with long steps. "We're finishing this right here and now, Potter! You're not hitting my girlfriend and getting away unpunished," he said and giggled like a girl.

"Crucio!" shouted Harry and laughed himself to tears when he saw Dean being tortured. Ginny roared and threw herself at Harry, who neighed and galloped away with Ginny on his back. Dean was delighted and forgave Harry forever.

Next day they had Potions, and Harry had mercifully agreed to let Dean sit next to him. The two Rons sat in front of them and their ears blocked Harry and Dean's wiew.

"Excuse me, maybe you two can exchange your enormous ears for umbrellas and then we could possibly see at least a bit better," Harry said lively to the two Rons, who screamed in horror at the thought of having their ears exchanged for umbrellas. Both ran away, crying wildly.

Dean giggled like a girl (as usual) and then asked Harry for a signed photograph. Harry told him disappointedly that he had given them all to the Creevey brothers, but that he had ordered 50 new ones that Dean could get if he wanted to. Dean giggled again and said that yes, he would very much like that.

A few days after the Easter holidays there was a big fuss in the courtyard and Harry and Dean went to check it out.

Draco and John lay on the ground, fighting, while nearly the whole school stood around them and cheered. Both their wands lay forgotten a few feet away and Harry sneaked in, giggling, and picked them up.

"Hold these," he whispered to Dean who took them and hid them under his cloak.

"Crucio!" Harry roared and pointed his own wand towards John. All the Slytherins laughed and applauded, and Harry could barely hold his wand straight because he was shaking so much with laughter.

Twenty minutes later the bell rang for class, and Harry had to let John go, although when he finished the curse John lay unmoving on the ground. Harry shrugged and went into the castle with Dean, followed by a line of admirers from Slytherin.

When Harry took a nap later that day he dreamed again of Cedric.

"Good...Harry...enemy...gone..." said Cedric, and Harry understood that he finally had peace in his soul and could now leave the world.

That night Draco came and cried in Harry's arms, telling him that his wand was missing.

"Promise not to tell anyone, but I saw when Dean Thomas took it. If you want to, we could torture him together when you've got it back," Harry whispered and smiled softly at the thought of torturing Dean again. Draco wiped his tears but said firmly that he didn't want Harry to torture anyone else, and Harry promised distressingly that he wouldn't.

Life went on and Harry started dating Ginny in secret, because she was actually still dating Dean. But that probably didn't matter, cause Dean had embarrassedly told Harry that he had started seeing Luna Lovegood from time to time, and that he liked her much better than Ginny.

Harry decided to be honest, and it all cleared up in the end with a little help from Dumbledore who came and declaimed with a soft smile that nothing was Harry's fault.

Next day it was a big Quidditch match, Gryffindor vs. Slytherin, and for the fist time in the whole semester Draco and Harry were enemies again. Harry won as usual, and Draco walked away with furious steps.

When the noise had settled, Harry walked up to the castle by himself while the others were showering. Suddenly a Dementor came striding towards him.

"Expecto Patronum!" Harry shouted, pointing his wand at the Dementor and then it fell over and the hood slid off. Under the robe was no one less than Draco Malfoy. Both of them raised their wands and started to duel, but soon they became like Draco nad John -- wrestling on the ground, wands forgotten. Harry shrieked in pain when Draco punched him, and he took the snitch he had nicked after the game and bored it into Draco's eye.

"Harry Potter," a strict voice suddenly said from behind him. It was Professor McGonagall. "Follow me to the Headmaster's office, and you, Draco, can go to madam Pomfrey," she added absent-mindedly and winked at Draco.

Harry sighed, but walked with easy steps towards Dumbledore's office. He had never blamed Harry for anything, so why would he get mad this time? He was bound to get away with this. When he got up to the office he got an unpleasant surprise; Professor Snape sat in Dumbledore's seat.

"Where's Professor Dumbledore?" Harry asked, easily disturbed, and tucked his hand inside his shirt, ready to draw out his wand and shout "crucio" as soon as Snape began to talk.

"The Headmaster has gone on vacation and I got to take over in his place," said Snape with a satisfied look on his ugly face.

"You may go Minerva, me and Potter can work this out by ourselves."

"Yes, my lord," giggled Professor McGonagall and disappeared. Snape turned to Harry and surveyed him with a mad look in his eyes, than suddenly he gave up a loud kind of animal-voice.

"I sentence you to three years in Azkaban!" he roared, spit flying on to Harry and then Snape raised his wand.

Suddenly, Voldemort appeared out of nowhere. "You shall not harm Harry Potter!" he said in a perfect imitation of Dobby and conjured Snape away.

"Where did he go?" Harry said confusedly, and looked dreamily into the ceiling.

"Never you mind little baby Potty," said Voldemort pompously and gave Harry a little pat on the shoulder.

Two weeks later it was graduation and Harry had, for the first time ever, got top marks in all the subjects, maybe because Voldemort had threatened everyone who didn't give him that with death. Voldemort, Percy, Hermione, Dean Thomas, Ginny, Luna Lovegood, Draco, Ron Weasley and Dumbledore, who had just arrived at the school again, went home to Harry and had a great summer holiday, filled with picnics and Ron's bad jokes.