Harry Potter and the Attack of the 80's (A Sorcerer's Stone Parody)

*It was a dark and stormy night on Privet Drive... except it's not stormy. And really not all that dark. But it is foggy as hell for no discernable reason*

Dumbledore: For all of you who were waiting to watch the random short guy hug Vernon, TOO BAD. Instead, we skip right to me turning out all the lights so we're not noticed, even though it would have been MUCH easier for us to just wear Muggle clothes and hang out on the street corner. Much less conspicuous, too-- do all YOUR street lamps go out at exactly the same time very often?

McGonagall: Fear my transformation of extremely lazy special effects! Seriously, how hard would it have been to give me a proper transformation?

Dumbledore: Never mind your special effects issues, Minerva. You don't want to see them going overboard with them. Think of the dragon in Goblet of Fire!

McGonagall: Good point.

Dumbledore: And now for some extremely vague dialogue that you have pretty much no chance of understanding unless you've read the book.

Audience: Really, who HIRED the screenwriter?

Screenwriter: *hides face in shame*

Hagrid: Hi, guys! I brought the kid! *shoves a bundle into Dumbledore's arms and bursts into pointless tears*

McGonagall: But his life will suck! I have no basis on which to back this up thanks to time constraints, but it will!

Dumbledore: Can you blame them for cutting that scene? It's boring as hell... I mean, I have no choice.

Hagrid: Except for Sirius... and Lupin....

Dumbledore: Stop spoiling Prisoner of Azkaban!!!! We need an excuse for him to have no idea what awaits him when he starts on his Hero's Journey. Thank you, Joseph Campbell. All right, time to wrap this little party up.

Hagrid: *still sobbing for no real reason*

McGonagall: Why exactly are you crying?

Hagrid: Because it says to in the book. *sniffle*

McGonagall: ... okaaay....

Dumbledore: Allow me to finish in the most melodramatic way possible. GOOD LUCK.... HARRY POTTER.

*We zoom in on the baby's face and see that, for some reason, his scar projects the main titles into the sky. Maybe it's some sort of screwed-up Dark Mark type thing...?*

*Fast-forward eleven years*

Harry: Why the hell hasn't Child Services come to save me from sleeping in a bloody CUPBOARD?

Audience: Wait-- you can't be Harry! You have neat brown hair and blue eyes!

Harry: What are you talking about? Of course I'm Harry Potter.

Audience: LIES.

Dudley: I have the great honor of playing a boy "roughly the size and weight of a young killer whale." Because THAT'S not grounds for self-esteem issues.... *shoves Harry back into cupboard and runs* HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!

Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon: Happy birthday, son! We love you so much! Can we lick your shoes? Can we wipe your arse?

Harry: *walks into room* Hey, guys....

Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon: DEEEEEEEEEEMOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!!!! *heads spin around as they spew pea soup everywhere* Lick our shoes! Wipe our arses!

Harry: Urge... to be... subservient... rising....

Dudley: I love my life. Hey, wait! MY BIRTHDAY PRESENTS DON'T FILL UP THIS ENTIRE ROOM! YOU DON'T LOVE ME ENOUGH! I HAVE HALF A MIND TO CUT MY WRISTS AND GO LISTEN TO SOME LINKIN PARK!

Harry: Eww, can you imagine him in those tight emo pants?

Aunt Petunia: We can't have poor Dinky Diddydums feeling unloved! We must spoil you more!

Dudley: Haha, my life is amazing.

Harry: I hate you all. *sobs*

Piers Polkiss: Hey, what happened to my part in this scene?

Dudley: Clearly, the directors didn't find you important. Scram.

Piers Polkiss: *sob*

Uncle Vernon: *FORESHADOWING*

Harry: You know it's not possible for me to live for a week without food, right?

Uncle Vernon: Shut up and get in.

Harry: Meep....

Dudley: WAKE UP, IMPORTANT PLOT POINT FOR THE NEXT MOVIE! I WANT TO BOTHER YOU!

Boa Constrictor: No way, kid, I'm having a lovely dream about having a cage in the Playboy mansion.

Dudley: How dare you not bend to my will? *leaves*

Harry: Of course it's normal for an eleven year old boy to have an in-depth conversation with a snake... THROUGH GLASS.

Boa Constrictor: Of course it is. *wink wink nudge nudge say no more*

Harry: HOLY CRAP, you can hear me? In no way is THIS important!

Dudley: THAT SNAKE IS DOING NOTHING INTERESTING IN THE SLIGHTEST AT A MUGGLE'S GLANCE, BUT I'M GOING TO FREAK OUT ABOUT IT ANYWAY!

Glass: Oh, God, it's that kid again. Bye now! *vanishes*

Dudley: OMGWTF!!!!1! *falls into snake cage*

Boa Constrictor: Sweet lady freedom, here I come!

Glass: Ah, that was a fabulous lunch break. What'd I miss?

Dudley: *trapped inside snake cage*

Dursleys: *freak out*

Harry: Haha, payback is sweet!

Uncle Vernon: *glare*

Harry: ... meep.

Uncle Vernon: WHAT DID YOU DO, AUTOMATIC SCAPEGOAT? TELL ME, OR I'LL--

Harry: No, not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!

Uncle Vernon: Into your cage, brat! I am closed-minded!

Harry: *cries*

Time: *skips*

Uncle Vernon: Oh, a minor villain from book three ate something American audiences don't know about!

Audience who's read the book: How did THAT line make it in?

Harry: Oh, look, a letter for me. Maybe if I stare hard enough at it, it'll suddenly open and they won't see it!

Dudley: DENIED!

Uncle Vernon: *yoink* OH, NOES! OUR WORST FEARS HAVE BEEN REALIZED! TIME TO FREAK OUT! *nails up letterbox for NO reason*

Owls: So then I was like, "Ya," and she was like, "No wai," and I was like, "Ya wai," and she was like--

Uncle Vernon: BEGONE, DEMONS!

Owls: No way, buddy, this place is the best perch this side of Hogwarts.

Uncle Vernon: *waves a cookie around like a lunatic* La la la la, I love Sundays! La la la la! You can't get mail! La la la la! There won't be a single letter today! La la la la la LAAAAAAAA!

Fireplace: Oh, God, I knew I shouldn't have eaten all those owls last night.... *vomits thousands of letters*

Dursleys: *cry*

Harry: YAY! LETTERS! *jumps around trying to get one. Somehow manages to fail miserably even though they're EVERYWHERE*

Audience: Well, he was right about one thing-- that's DEFINITELY not a single letter....

Uncle Vernon: We must flee from the evil paper demons! Flee! FLEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

Dudley: It's official. He's cracked.

Dursleys and Harry: *materialize in empty shack*

Harry: I am disgustingly cute... and abused... and it's my birthday. At least you can't get fat off dirt cake.... *le sigh*

Large Black Shadow: *is ominous*

Dursleys: WE COWER IN FEAR!

Hagrid: Hey, guys! Miss me? *fixes door*

Uncle Vernon: You are obviously no longer threatening, and I am, because I have a gun. BEGONE! *points gun at him*

Hagrid: *witty insults* Good God, Harry, you got fat since the opening scene.

Dudley: Do I LOOK like Harry to you?

Audience: HARRY doesn't look much like Harry to us.

Harry: Yes I do!

Hagrid: Wow, Harry, you look JUST like a victim of child abuse!

Harry: Why does everyone haaaate meeeee? *sob*

Hagrid: I made you a cake! It was sitting under my great fat arse this whole time, but it'll taste fine. That brown stuff is chocolate, I swear.

Harry: Err... my name isn't Hairy, "Happy" is spelled with a Y, not two Es, and "Birthday" has an H in it.

Hagrid: ... dammit.

Harry: Who the hell are you, anyway?

Hagrid: I'm the Herald in your Hero cycle, Harry! My name's Hagrid. Say, have you ever heard of a magical place called Hogwarts where butterflies and bunnies prance around under a sky full of rainbows and happiness?

Harry: ... nope. Is that the place with the men in white coats Uncle Vernon nearly got chucked into on the way here?

Hagrid: *way more calmly than he canon-ly should* Didn't you ever wonder where your parents learned stuff?

Harry: HUH?

Hagrid: Now it's MY turn to speak melodramatically! *clears throat* You're a wizard, Harry!

Harry: No. Wai.

Hagrid: Yep! And you'll be so good that there will be girls wearing towels approaching you on the street saying nothing comes between them and Harry Potter. Watch the third DVD. You'll understand.

Harry: Denial! I am up to my eyes in denial!

Hagrid: Oh, shut it, we all know you've done weird stuff when these idiots got on your case.

Harry: Hmm. Good point.

Hagrid: *produces letter from nowhere*

Audience: Actually, it's letters from no one, but close enough.

Harry: I have to read this out loud because there's no way a modern audience could be literate! "Dear Mr. Potter--" Hey, that's my name! "We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

Uncle Vernon: No! I must ruin this incredibly crucial moment by being an asshole! He's not going! I won't lose my favorite punching bag!

Harry: Wait-- you knew?

Aunt Petunia: OF COURSE WE KNEW! *long winded rant/history lesson* Oh, and by the way, we lied to you about your parents dying.

Harry: *mind breaks*

Hagrid: THEY COULDN'T HAVE DIED IN A CAR CRASH! *freaks out*

Uncle Vernon: We're STILL not letting him go! And nothing you can do or say will change our minds! That guy running your freak place can't teach him anything!

Hagrid: AAAAAAAAAAARGH! *points pretty pink umbrella at Dudley, who is snarfing down Harry's cake like he's never seen food before even though he CLEARLY has. Maybe that sketchy brown stuff is a good thing...*

Dudley: *now has a pretty pink piggy tail coming out of his arse* Oink! Oink!

Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia: WITCHCRAFT! *heads spin around as they spew pea soup everywhere. Then all three of them randomly disappear for the rest of the movie*

Hagrid: Good, now they're out from under our feet. Come on, kid, time for me to kidnap you from these people. Unless you'd rather not come along and learn wondrous magical-y-ish things?

Harry: Right behind you!

Tom the Bartender: Hey, Hagrid! I see you have a kid with you-- want to come get wasted before I turn into Quasimodo's evil twin?

Hagrid: Nope, I'm just helping HARRY POTTER get his school stuff.

All: OMG, IT'S HARRY POTTER! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls: *throw their bras at Harry*

Towel Girl Who's Mentioned on the PoA DVD: NOTHING COMES BETWEEN ME AND HARRY POTTER! AAHHHH!!!

Harry: ...woooow....

Quirrell: H-Hello, Harry. I'll be your t-teacher this y-year. C-can't you see how innocent I am?

Audience Who's Read the Book: DO NOT TRUST THIS MAN.

Quirell: *thinking* Dammit, they know... *out loud* B-b-but, why?

Harry: Don't worry, I trust you completely, just like everyone else I meet.

Audience Who's Read the Book: *facepalm*

Hagrid: Come along, now, Harry, time to cross the threshold into the magical world!

Harry: What?

Hagrid: Just come on.

People As They Leave The Leaky Cauldron: WE LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOU, HARRY!!!!!!!!!

Hagrid: I told you you were famous! And I told you people would be coming up to you in towels.

Harry: Yeah.... Just out of curiosity, what's all that even about?

Hagrid: Can't tell you. Wait until we have time for a really cool flashback sequence. *touches the wall, which explodes on contact* ... crap. YOU SAW NOTHING. I mean... welcome to Diagon Alley!

Wondrous Magical-y-ish Things: *happen*

Harry: Woooooooooooooooow!!!!

Random Kids: *fangirl over broomstick* Wow! A plot point!

Harry: I wish I wasn't too poor to buy all this stuff!

Hagrid: *points to the Leaning Tower of Pisa* Guess what? David Bowie lent that bank some of his goblins, and they're taking care of your money!

Harry: David Bowie?

Hagrid: ... yeah, Nightwing's a Labyrinth fan. Ignore her. *enters the Castle Beyond the Goblin City... I mean, Gringotts* Mr. Potter wants his money now.

Goblin: Give me his key, then we'll talk.

Hagrid: *throws lots of crap at the goblin-- dog biscuits, teabags, the occasional elephant... Finally, he drops a key on the desk in front of him*

Goblin: Jareth had better pay me over time for this.... Go on, I'm done with you.

Hagrid: But wait, I'm not done! You-Know-Who told me to get You-Know-What from You-Know-Where.

Harry: Childhood curiosity and hero stupidity rising....

Goblin: Mini-me!

Verne Troyer... I mean, Griphook: *waddles over carrying a lamp that's bigger than he is*

Gold: *sparkles in time to the melodramatic music*

Harry: Ooh, shiny!

Audience: Where are the Sickles and Knuts?

Hagrid: They... er... died. Yeah.

Griphook: Come on, stop ogling the gold. We've got more important things to gawk at.

Sorcerer's Stone: *not shiny, but surrounded by even MORE melodramatic music all the same*

Harry: Er... Hagrid? Why has the camera been on that grubby little package for the past ten minutes?

Hagrid: I... er... don't know. It's definitely not significant, what would give you that idea? Get away from it, camera. Right. Bugger off. *glares at Harry* You saw nothing... right?

Harry: Right! *thinking* Hehe, I saw everything. *out loud* Hey, Hagrid, don't I still need robes?

Hagrid: Nah, we can't let the audience see Malfoy yet. His fangirls need to wait, he's not nearly important enough to appear yet. Besides, he's too busy gelling his hair to come all the way to Diagon Alley at the moment.

Draco Fans: *sob*

Hagrid: You're going for a wand now, kid.... and I'm mysteriously disappearing into oblivion. See you. *vanishes*

Harry: ... great. *enters shop, which is mysteriously empty because there's not enough dramatic effect in this movie*

Ollivander: *swoops out of the shadows* Hello, Harry Potter! I mysteriously know everything about you. *monologuing* Anyway, here, have a wand that won't work, even though I already know exactly which is yours. We have to have some way of filling this movie's running time.

Audience: Draco at Madam Malkin's? Snape's challenge? Anything involving the twins? Any of this ringing a bell?

Ollivander: Oh, shut it. *after about ten thousand usesless wands* Okay, this is getting boring and I've gone through every wand this side of Nicaragua. Here's your real wand.

Random Invisible 100 Piece Choir: *starts singing for no real reason*

Harry's Hair: NOW I'm sticking up! Hey, look, Dan Radcliffe, your hair is almost canon now!

Ollivander: *ruins moment* Yikes.

Harry's Hair: *goes flat again*

Harry: NOOOO! *sobs* My hair....

Ollivander: Guess what? The phoenix feather in your wand has a brother owned by the guy who killed your parents!

Harry: *mind breaks* Who was that?

Ollivander: Can't tell you. Don't worry, there'll be a really cool flashback scene in a bit. We have to wait for the special effects department to vomit all over it, then you'll know everything.

Harry: Okay! See you!

Hedwig: Hiya, Harry! I'm here to be your best friend until book seven!

Special Effects Team: Okay, we're ready! *vomits all over the next scene*

Hagrid: Come on, Harry, time for the cool flashback scene!

Harry: Yes! Finally!

Hagrid: Once upon a time, there was this guy who was evil. Really evil. Really really evil. So evil, that--

Harry: Okay, okay, I get it! What was his name?

Hagrid: Well, I can't exactly...

Potter Puppet Pals Voldemort: *appears from under the table* Voldemort, Voldemort, oh, Voldy, Voldy, Voldy, Voldemort! Doo doo doo doo! *disappears*

Hagrid: Um... yeah. Anyway....

*cue flashback scene with way more green light than is absolutely necessary*

Voldemort: Haha, my black cape is swishy! And I'm so evil that even my Alohomora spell looks like an Avada Kedavra!

Ickle Baby Harry: Hi, creepy black cloak man! Aren't I adorable?

Voldemort: Awwww! ...wait. You're wearing a Blue's Clues onesie ten years before that show exists. I AM NOT PLEASED! DIE!

Lily: NOOOOO! MY BABY!

Voldemort: How dare you stand in my way? YOU DIE TOO!

Lily: *dies with a really drawn out scream and one flash of necessary green light, plus three extra ones*

James: Oh, and by the way... I died, too. Why was I not in this scene?

Ickle Baby Harry: I didn't! Yay for the power of cuteness!

*end flashback*

Harry: That wasn't nearly as cool as everyone's been making it sound. You lied to me!

Hagrid: Hey, at least you got the information. Time to go, even though technically, it's another month before you have to get to King's Cross. I've filled my information quota for the day, so... bye! *mysteriously vanishes*

Harry: Hey, wait a min-- damn. Hey, maybe this Muggle will know about how to get to the magical place of bunnies and rainbows!

Muggle Security Dude: Think again, kid. Nine and three quarters.... *grumbles*

Harry: Can't ANYONE help me?

Mrs. Weasley: Muggles! Platform Nine and Three Quarters!

Hermes: Hoot.

Hedwig: What'd you say about my mother?!

Hermes: Hoot hoot.

Hedwig: Oh, it's on, bitch.

Harry: OMGZYAY.

Mrs. Weasley: Hello, random kid who is clearly a wizard. I appear to be innocent and so sweet it's impossible not to say "Awww!" everytime I come onscreen, but DO NOT MESS WITH MY CHILDREN. Bellatrix Lestrange, please take note.

Ron: I am disgustingly hot from number four on, but no one lets me have any good lines for some reason even though I'm the only one of the main trio who can actually ACT.

Fred and George: We kick major ass, but all our best moments get cut. But we're still hot, so it's all okay!

Percy: I'm an obnoxious asshat until the end of the last book and the ENTIRE fandom hates me with a passion.

Ginny: Hi, Harry! I'm your future love interest! *heart*

Bill and Charlie: And we got cut completely even though even the Boy Who Lived thinks we're undeniably cool!

Mrs. Weasley: Anyway, all you have to do to get through the platform is run into the wall over there.

Harry: Okay!

*SPLAT*

Harry: Hmm... maybe she meant this wall.

*CRUNCH*

Harry: Or this one?

*THUD*

*This goes on for a few more minutes until Harry finally goes through the wall and sees the Hogwarts Express*

Harry: *beaten, battered, and bloodied* About time! Wondrous magicaly-ish things, here I come!

Ron: Hey, can I sit here? I need an excuse to be somebody's friend. *gives the vaguely nauseous expression that he stops doing so much after movie three, thank God*

Harry: Sure! Yay! Food! I mean, friends!

Ron: *still looking nauseous* I'm Ron. Ron Weasley.

Harry: Harry. Harry Potter.

Audience: Licensed to kill.

Ron: LYKEOMFG! *throws bra at Harry*

Audience: ......

Awkward Turtle: *dies of the sheer awkwardness*

Ron: ... it's Ginny's. Anyway, do you really have the scar?

Harry: Thanks to your mom not telling me which wall I had to run into, I have scars in places I didn't know I had!

Ron: *fangirls*

Trolley Witch: Hello, young protagonists! I'm here to give you young children tons of sugar to keep you bouncing off the ceilings while you're stuck in this compartment for an entire day! Doesn't that sound like a marvelous idea?

Ron: Think I'll pass. *holds up sandwiches, still making that damned face*

Harry: SUGAR? Hot diggity, I'm there!

*about ten minutes later*

Ron and Harry: *are laughing like monkeys and bouncing off every surface they can find-- the walls, the ceilings, each other's heads, the occasional elephant...*

Ron: *really fast* OhbythewayIhavearatwithmewannaseemeturnhimyellowhuhhuhdoyaomgzsugar!!!

Scabbers: Look how cute and cuddly I am!

Audience Who's Read the Books: DIE! DIE! DIE!

Audience Who Hasn't: Umm... wtf?

Hermione: Hello, Harry, I'll be your obligatory female friend and the only reason you don't die several times because I, unlike you, am remotely intelligent, even though I'm annoying as all hell and Nightwing hates me!

Ron: *stares at her, looking slightly ill-- because that's exactly how you look at the love of your life, isn't it, Ron/Hermione shippers? Yes, I am being sarcastic*

Hermione: Oh, are you doing magic outside of school like we're not supposed to? Let me see so I can scoff at you!

*Ron recites a little poem that doesn't turn Scabbers yellow, but makes a jet of light shoot out of his wand and freaks the hell out of Scabbers, so that's something*

Scabbers: AAAAH!!! Jesus Christ, man, what the hell was that? You nearly gave me a bloody heart attack!

Audience Who's Read the Books: Good.

Hermione: Please. Spells are in Latin, genius, not English! Like this one, for instance. *points her wand at Harry's eyes* Occulus Reparo.

Harry's Eyes: *are now green, because the Latin roots mean for them to fix eyes and not glasses. Way to do your research, WB!*

Hermione: Oh, my God, you're Harry Potter! Hang on-- *rummages inside her shirt*

Harry: If you're about to throw another bra at me, I'm good, thanks.

Hermione: *disappointed* ... oh. I'm Hermione Granger, at any rate, and I'm going to be the butt of many jokes from Nightwing because she can't stand me. And who are you, useless third wheel?

Ron: I'm Ron Weasley. And you're making me sick.

Hermione: Likewise. Oh, and we'll be there soon. The director sent me to announce it so he wouldn't have to bother paying for anymore hydraulics to make the train move. *leaves. Finally.*

Hagrid: I'm back and better than ever! Hi, Harry!

Ron: *stares at Hagrid in awe* Wow, I wish I could be that tall....

Hagrid: All right, time for your freshman initiation! Come to the boats, and if the giant squid doesn't eat you, you deserve to be here! Oh, and this'll be on the movie poster, so make sure you look pretty while you're being devoured whole!

McGonagall: Hello, survivors. You're not done being initiated yet! We have to sort you into the Houses first, which are, in order from the widely considered "best" to what is absolutely the worst even though I'm wearing their House color: Gryffindor--

All: WE LOVE YOU, GRYFFINDORS!!!! OMGZ, HAVE OUR BABIES! *heart*

McGonagall: Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff--

All: What? There are more than two Houses? When did this happen?

*somewhere, Nightwing is crying*

McGonagall: -- and Slytherin, the House everyone hates because it automatically makes you an evil sleazebag. Any good you do will earn you points, so we give Gryffindors points on a daily basis just for existing. Any rule breaking or being sorted into Slytherin and you will lose points. At

the end of the movie, Gryffindor-- I mean, the House with the most points (in other words, Gryffindor) wins the House Cup. And in case you were wondering, the authoress isn't trying to make a point about the Houses. What would give you that idea?

Trevor the Toad: *croaks*

Neville: *runs towards Trevor and catches him* Oh, my love! Where have you been, my darling?

All: ...

Neville: ... sorry.

Audience Who's Read The Books: And yet this is the same unspeakable badass from book seven. We live in a sad, sad world.

McGonagall: Well, I'm out of here to let the Sorting Hat decide how many of you are worthy enough to be in Gryffindor and have the rest of us lick your boots. Meanwhile, I think the world's largest consumer of hair gel has waited long enough for screentime.

Draco: Haha! At last! I, the best child actor to appear until Evanna Lynch in Order of the Phoenix, get to steal the movie! And just in time, too-- hello, main protagonist. I'm the main antagonist.

Audience: No, you're not, Voldemort is.

Audience Who Hasn't Read The Book: Even we know that!

Draco: These are my pet gorillas slash bodyguards, Dumb and Dumber. And my name's Malfoy. Draco Malfoy. I like my martinis shaken, not stirred.

Ron: What is it with all these James Bond references? Nightwing hasn't even seen any James Bond movies!

Draco: Eww, you're a Weasley. I'm racist against gingers. ... actually, I'm racist against pretty much everyone. But especially gingers! You're making friends with icky, nasty people, Harry-- let me show you how to be friends with cool people....

Harry: Denied!

Draco: *lip quivers, eyes go all big and shiny* B-b-but.... *goes back to being menacing* Fine! At least my dad's still hot!

McGonagall: All right, the animosity between you two has been established. Come on in, kiddies!

Hermione: The ceiling's bewitched, and I somehow know this because I can read so I know everything!

Girl Next To Hermione: Oh, God, make her shut up....

Dumbledore: Hey, kiddies, good to see ya! You'll die slowly and painfully if you go in the forest on the edge of the grounds or the third floor corridor. Harry Potter and his friends are exceptions to this rule because they're the heroes and we need to advance the plot somehow. Now... LET'S. GET. SORTED!

McGonagall: To hell with alphabetical order! I REBEL AGAINST TRADITION! Hermione Granger!

Sorting Hat: Hmm... well, by all that counts, you should be in Ravenclaw, but we wouldn't want to saddle Nightwing with the likes of you. It's bad enough she's stuck with Cho Chang in her House. Besides, the heroes need your brain or they'll die at least twelve times over in this movie alone. I DUB THEE GRYFFINDOR!

All: OMG, WE LOVE YOU, HERMIONE! HOORAY FOR GRYFFINDOR!

McGonagall: Draco Malfoy!

Sorting Hat: UGH! You're greasy and disgusting and evil and you have no redeeming qualities whatsoever other than the fact that your father is the most attractive man in this series. SLYTHERIN! Now go kill yourself and do the world a favor!

All: BOOOOOOO!!!!

McGonagall: Useless background character we're only using so we can say we're doing something during this next digression!

Snape: I'm Alan Rickman, and I don't like you. *glares menacingly*

Harry: *gasps wussily in pain at his scar hurting*

Snape: Yeah, you look away. *goes back to looking moody* Damn kids....

Sorting Hat: All right, away with you, random kid, off to Hufflepuff!

McGonagall: Ronald Weasley!

Sorting Hat: Well, the screenwriters are too busy fangirling over your obligatory female friend to give you any real talents, but you'll be ridiculously hot in two or three years and we want you to have as much screentime as you can get without Hermione stealing it all, so might as well chuck you into... GRYFFINDOR!

Ron: *wanders off to the default table, looking relieved* Oh, good, people will care about me.

McGonagall: Harry Potter!

All: OMGZSQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

Harry: Oh, God, not again. *ducks shower of bras that follows him up to the hat*

Sorting Hat: Hmm, difficult, very difficult... clearly you're a hero, which means that you should be put in the House of Blatant Favoritism where everyone can worship you on sight, but then again, girls seem to think you're attractive, which means you should be in Slytherin.

Harry: No! Don't put me in there, I don't wanna be evil.... *sobs*

Slytherin Supporting Half of Audience: Why the hell not?

Harry: Please don't put me with Malfoy, I don't want his hair dripping grease on meeeee....

Sorting Hat: Fine, if you're gonna be a little pansy about it.... Gryffindor!

All: *overly loud applause* WE LOVE YOU HARRY! WE LOVE YOU GRYFFINDOR! HOORAY FOR THE DEFAULT HOUSE!!!!

Supporters of the Other Three Houses in the Audience: *scowl*

McGonagall: Well, to hell with the rest of you! Grab a House, kiddies! ... but you can't all be Gryffindor. Not all of you are good enough.

Dumbledore: Well, I've got my part out of the way. Dig in to the magical appearing food!

Harry: Wow! Is this what they meant by wondrous magically-ish things?

Ron: OMNOMNOMNOM!!! *devours chicken legs*

Harry: Hey, Ron's unbelievably irritating brother. Who's the greaseball talking to the skinny white guy in the turban who is in no way suspicious?

Percy: That's Professor Snape. He's the Head of Slytherin, so he doesn't really like anybody and you know he's an evil jackoff. He teaches Potions, but he's a Slytherin so you know he's really into the Dark Arts, candlelit dinners, and long walks on the beach.

Snape: *glowers* I don't like Gryffindors.

All: Everyone loves Gryffindors! *squee*

Snape: I don't. Grr.

Ghosts: *scare the hell out of people*

Nearly Headless Nick: 'Allo, Eenglish pig dogs!

Ron: I know who you are! You're John Cleese! One of the Python guys!

Hermione: I've read about you! Hey, can you give the special effects department another chance to shamelessly show off?

Nearly Headless Nick: Sure! *rips his head half-off*

Gryffindors: EWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!

Nearly Headless Nick: *puts his head back on* It's just a flesh wound. *leaves*

*everyone leaves the Great Hall and we follow the Gryffindors through Hogwarts*

Percy: And on your left, you see moving pictures, which many of you should be used to by now, but act amazed anyway. Oh, and as you can see by the maze of moving staircases, the Hogwarts founders were taking design advice from--

*he is cut off by David Bowie appearing from behind an archway, wearing really tight pants and a blonde wig, looking almost painfully sexy as Jareth the Goblin King or the Hottest Guy In the History of Ever. Call him what you will.*

David Bowie: *sings* How you've turned my world, you precious-- wait. You're not Jennifer Connelly.

Percy: No, we're not. And you, sir, are in the wrong enormous maze of moving staircases. Back to Labyrinth with you!

David Bowie: *disappears*

Percy: Pay no mind to Nightwing's obsession with Labyrinth.

My Voice: *fills the room* Is it my fault so much architecture in this series reminds me of it?

Percy: Ignore her. This way!

Fat Lady: How is it that I have absolutely no problem with my profoundly insulting nickname and the humiliating position I find myself in?

*The Gryffindors walk through the hole in the wall behind her and into the common room, which bears a passing resemblance to my living room. In case anyone cares*

Harry: *gazes out the window* Wow... This is the best night of my life, and yet here I am, looking emo with my owl.

*We leave him to it, and time skips forward to the next day*

Ron: Brilliant! We made it! And she'll never know we were late!

Hermione: Moron....

McGonagall: Guess again.

*NOW we get to see her really cool transformation*

Ron: ... I love you and you're the best teacher in the history of the world. Is that a new haircut?

McGonagall: I'm immune to your powers of flattery. No one likes a kiss-ass. Sit down.

*speaking of characters who are immune to flattery....*

Snape: *billows into his classroom which is, ominously enough, in a dungeon* Everybody sit down and shut the hell up. I am bitter and depressed and I hate you all. Grr.

Harry: *writing* Snape--is--an--asshole--and--a--creeper. Do--not--cross.

Snape: HOW DARE YOU TAKE NOTES IN CLASS?

Harry: Could you please stop staring at me and rubbing your nipples? It's sort of freaking me out.

Snape: First you must answer me these questions three. What is your name?

Harry: *blank stare*

Hermione: I know, I know! *is annoying*

Snape: What is your quest?

Harry: *blank stare*

Hermione: Pick me! Pick me!

Snape: What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Harry: *blank stare*

Hermione: I read about this in Hogwarts, A History!!!

My Voice: Will you please shut the hell up?! He was asking Harry!!!!

Hermione: ... meep....

Seamus: I'm only eleven, but I'm showing promise as Jack Sparrow's rum-drinking progeny. Even though this spell is, once again, in English rather than Latin, I somehow think it's real. *water explodes* Oh, bugger.

Ron: He's the reason why the rum is gone. Oh, hey, look, mail!

Owls: *shower random students with presents: letters, packages, the occasional elephant.... Honestly, it's a freaking miracle no one gets a papercut across the throat or has their skull crushed by a falling parcel*

Harry: Ooh, look, newspaper. *yoink*

Dean: Look! Something shiny!

Neville: *stares at Remembrall*

Hermione: I've read about those!

Ron: Course you have. *rolls eyes*

Hermione: It's basically completely useless!

Neville: Thanks, Gran....

Harry: Look, Ron! The main plot's starting to show itself!

Ron: Brilliant! Lead the way, my liege, I am your humble servant as we go on this most noble quest to solve this mystery!

Madame Hooch: I'm one of the only characters in this series who looks exactly like the book described me. Shame I'm only in this one scene. Anyway, we're getting straight into it, so get your broom in your hand. Now.

Harry: Oh, yeah. I'm the man.

Draco: I'm awesome, too. And my hair is canon. So nyah.

Hermione: Oh, no, I haven't read about doing this and I can't get it up! Oh, woe, I'm not perfect anymore!

Ron: *even the BROOM hates him* Son of a--!

Madame Hooch: Now that all the important characters have their brooms in hand, let's get to the next step. Mounting your brooms isn't as sexual as it sounds, so do it or I'll stick your finger into an electrical socket and make your hair look like mine. Potter, that'd probably be a good thing for you.

Harry: Not AGAIN. Why does everyone hate my hair?

Hermione: I've read about it. It's supposed to be black and messy and it's neither.

Madame Hooch: Okay, on my whistle, get into the air. One--two--three! *blows whistle*

*Nevile is the only one to actually do as she says, and this is somehow bad. Also, this scene is entirely too long and not worth making fun of*

Madame Hooch: ... wow. How the hell did he crash from that height and only break his wrist? That should have been his neck! Come on, kid, off to the hospital wing with you! And all of you stay on the ground!

Draco: Don't you dare question how I managed to get a hold of his Remembrall. Oh, and as the main antagonist-- shut up, audience-- I get the honor of saying the one swearword in this PG movie. Arse!

Harry: I'm going to make you pay for that one, Malfoy!

Draco: Oh, yeah? You and what army? *flies up to be a snot with cool special effects, as opposed to just a snot*

Hermione: *is annoying and obnoxious*

Harry: Will someone PLEASE make her shut up for ten seconds? *flies away from the annoying little Mudblood* Give it here, you... you... poopiehead!

Draco: What did you call me, Potter?!

Harry: You heard me. Poopiehead!

Draco: Well, fine! I'll take my petty rage out on Longbottom. *throws Remembrall*

Harry: Nooooo! Shiny objects must not touch the ground! *catches it and flies straight past McGonagall's window*

McGonagall: ... the hell? Is that a Gryffindor breaking rules? Inconcievable! They're perfect! *runs downstairs*

Harry: *is victorious*

All: WE LOVE YOU HARRY!!! YAY FOR CATCHING SMALL ROUND BALLS AND BEING IN GRYFFINDOR!

McGonagall: I AM NOT AMUSED!

Harry: Oh, shit.

McGonagall: Come with me while I billow ominously before you.

Harry: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG....

Quirrel: The iguana is a most important element in defeating vampire bats--

McGonagall: Hey, Quirrel, can we introduce the hottest guy to appear in this movie?

Quirrel: Of course! We don't want to keep the hormonal teenage girls waiting! The vampire bat somehow has a fundamental weakness to the power of the magical roaring iguana....

Ollie-poo: Thank God, I thought I'd never get out of there. *is sexy. And Scottish. And confuzzled. Awww*

McGonagall: Any other student would be expelled, but you're a Gryffindor, Harry, so you get rewarded! Welcome to the Gryffindor Quidditch team!

Supporters of the Other Three Houses in the Audience: That is so not fair.

Ron: Seeker? But first years never make the House teams!

Harry: Well, I'm the hero and a Gryffindor. I'm special.

Ron: *fangirls*

Fred: Hi, Harry! Look, we've got screentime!

George: We're on the team too-- we beat the hell out of things. Hopefully we stop you from getting hurt!

Fred: But don't worry, you won't die. Only vanish.

George: Isn't this reassuring? Bye!

Harry: But I have low self-esteem! I'll be terrible!

Hermione: No you won't, I've read about it.

Ron: What are you doing here? We don't like you yet!

Hermione: Everyone likes me. Just ask the screenwriters who give me everyone else's lines so I can get more screentime!

My Voice: *hisses*

Screenwriter: *hides*

Ron: Harry, you never told me your father was a Seeker, too!

Hermione: That's because he wasn't. He was a Chaser. I've read about it.

Ron: How does she know more about you than you do?

Harry: She read about it. Woah!

*staircases change. You'd think they'd be used to this by now, but apparently they're not*

Harry: Hey, are we being led straight to imminent doom? Brilliant! Let's go this way where it's dark and scary!

Hermione: You're an idiot. *follows anyway*

Mrs. Norris: Meow.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: Oh, hell, no.... *run for it*

Ron: Let's run through that conveniently placed door where we should be able to clearly hear vicious growling and snarling sounds! Oh, no, it's locked!

Hermione: Wait! I've read about this! Alohomora!

Filch: *is creepy* Someone should be concerned that I'm calling my cat "my sweet." Let's get out of here, there's no rulebreakers here.

Hermione: Oh, good, he's out of the way. We've escaped.

Fluffy: Think again! Welcome to the gates of Hell, I'll be your tour guide this evening.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!

Fluffy: Hey, wait a minute! No one's supposed to leave here alive!

Harry: I'm a hero! I leave everywhere alive! *slams door*

Ron: I DIDN'T KNOW HELL WAS RIGHT HERE IN OUR SCHOOL! *hyperventilates*

Hermione: Did anyone else happen to be paying attention to your surroundings instead of your imminent doom?

Ron: Of course not! We were about ten seconds from being devoured by a freaking Cerberus!

Hermione: It was standing on a trapdoor, which means it's guarding something. I've read about that. Now, I'm going to bed before you guys get us into any more trouble that'll get us expelled. That's much worse than being killed.

*cut to the morning, where a Scottish beauty is there to show Harry how to play with his balls*

Ollie-poo: Why is my name still Ollie-poo?

My Voice: Oh, wait till you see what I'm going to do to poor Lucius when he appears in the next movie.

Ollie-poo: *looks slightly frightened* Aaaaanyway.... There are three Chasers, two Beaters, One Keeper, and a Seeker. In case you've somehow managed to forget, that's you. Then there are the balls. This is the Quaffle. *holds it up so the audience can ooh and ah* That's how you score. The Keeper, that's me-- *strikes a pose and looks hot*-- stops the other team from scoring. Now, who's up for some baseball! *releases the Bludger and hands Harry the bat*

Bludger: Pitiful humans! DIE!

Harry: Holy--! *hits Bludger away to stop it from breaking his face*

Random Baseball Announcer: It's outta here!

Ollie-poo: *wrestles the Bludger to the ground* Get--in--there--you--little--CGI--demon! *grunts suggestively while the camera zooms in on his arse* Okay. That's over. This is the Snitch. This is your ball.

Harry: Oooh, shiny!

Ollie-poo: You're the only one that REALLY matters, because this is how we win the game. Now, my part's over now. See you guys later!

Hormonal Teenage Girls in the Audience: Bye, Ollie!!!! *heart*

Flitwick: Blah blah blah levitation blah blah blah feathers blah blah blah swish and flick. Off you go!

All: Wingardium Leviosa! *nothing happens*

Ron: Wingardium Leviosa!

Hermione: Stop it, you're not swishing and flicking at exactly the right angle. And you're saying it wrong. It's Leviosa, not Leviosa.... God, you're an idiot. Because you're not me. Watch me show off!

Feather: Think of the happiest thiiiiings, it's the same as having wiiiiings!

Flitwick: Wow, Miss Granger did it! This is amazing! This is wonderful! Everyone fangasm over her!

Hermione: *smirk*

Ron: *glare*

Seamus: *blows something up just so he'll shut up about how amazing Little Miss Mudblood is*

Ron: Well, I can certainly see why Nightwing can't stand her! She's horrible! She's so annoying!

Hermione: Oh, Ron, how dare you say things that are obviously true! *runs away sobbing*

Harry: Nice move, idiot, you made a girl cry. Oh well! Off to the Halloween feast!

*This is my kind of feast-- it's all candy! *

Neville: Hermione hasn't left the bathroom. She's been crying all day-- way to go, Ron!

Quirrell: Sorry to interrupt the happy moment, but-- TROLL IN THE DUNGEON! *faints*

All: *freak out*

Draco: OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! *makes the most indescribably priceless face ever that just NEEDED to be commented on*

Dumbledore: EVERYBODY CALM THE HELL DOWN! I know you're all upset about your imminent doom, but everyone get back to your dormitories. You'll be safe there.

Slytherins: Thanks a lot-- our common room is in the dungeons.

Dumbledore: Well, you're all evil. You're dispensable. Shoo!

Slytherin Supporters in Audience: Why do we even bother?

Harry: How could a troll get in?

Ron: Don't ask me, my scapegoat got cut.

Harry: Wait! Hermione doesn't know! We're heroes and she's a damsel in distress!

Ron: Lead the way, my liege!

Troll: Fee fi fo fum! I smell the blood of an annoying little brat!

Harry: Oh, crap.

Ron: You're telling me. That doesn't even rhyme!

*they run into the bathroom*

Hermione: Help me! I haven't read about this!

Harry: I've got you! *leaps onto the troll's back and stick's his wand up its nose. This accomplishes absolutely nothing, but, hey, they get to use CGI*

Troll: Get off me, you little trollop! *dangles Harry upside down*

Harry: Great, now I'm screwed! Hey, Ron! It's time for you to have some character development!

Ron: How?!

Hermione: This I've read about! Swish and flick!

Ron: Wingardium Leviosa!

Troll's Club: *hits troll over the head*

Troll: *defeated*

Final Fantasy Victory Music: *plays*

McGonagall, Snape, and Quirrell: *run in*

McGonagall: What the hell is going on here?!

Hermione: I did it, Professor! I've read about trolls, so I thought I could handle it, but I didn't read about how to defeat them.

Harry and Ron: What. The. Hell. Is she lying to a teacher?!

McGonagall: Wow. For someone who's such a genius, you're an idiot. It pains me to say it, but... five points from Gryffindor.

World: *ends*

McGonagall: HOWEVER, because it's impossible for me to do something that cruel to the best House that ever existed, Harry, Ron, take five points apiece for being brave and heroic!

Harry: Wow, Snape, what nice legs you have, even if they are gushing blood and nearly torn off!

Snape: *swishes cloak* I know I act sketchy around you, Potter, but that doesn't mean you can do the same to me. *leaves*

Quirrell: *under his breath* Curses! Foiled again! *leaves*

*At breakfast the next day....*

Harry: Oh, woe is me, I'm so nervous!

Snape: *limps over to flirt shamelessly with Harry* Hello, Harry. I'm acting extremely out of character by wishing luck to the bane of my existence. I'll see you in the showers after the match.

*Am I the only one who finds that scene more than a little awkward?*

Harry: That explains the blood. Snape tried to get into Hell using the troll as the diversion! He's Alan Rickman, so he's obviously suspicious!

Hermione: Why would anyone go near it?

Harry: Because it's guarding something important! The plot thickens!

Owls: *bring over a large, broomstick shaped package*

Ron: Gee, I wonder what this large, broomstick-shaped package could possibly be?

Harry: *opens it and acts shocked* Oh. My. God. It's a broomstick.

*Who'd've thunk?*

Ron: That's not just a broomstick! That's the best broomstick in the world because you're a hero!

McGonagall: You're a Gryffindor. Of course blatant favoritism is okay!

*Screw this noise. It's QUIDDITCH TIME!*

Ollie-poo: *absolutely FAILS at being comforting but looks so cute doing it!*

Madame Hooch: Keep it clean, guys.

Marcus Flint: *has the worst teeth in the history of the universe* Clean? What is the meaning of this strange new word?

Lee Jordan: *like a racehorse announcer* Aaaaand they're off! Johnson with the Quaffle, speeding up the front end, she scores! Bletchley with the Quaffle, off to the guy with the horrendous teeth who really, really needs braces! Gryffindor scores again!

Marcus Flint: Not on my watch. Time to cheat, Slytherins!

Gryffindors: *drop like flies*

Ollie-poo: *gets hit square in the chest with a Bludger, which should break ribs, and falls about fifty feet to the ground, which should break everything else. Not surprisingly, he's unconscious*

Harry: I did NOT sign up for a rodeo!

Nimbus 2000: Too bad, kid, giddyup!

Hermione: I've read about this! It must be Snape! Look at the way he's staring at Harry with his lips moving!

Quirrell: *is doing the exact same thing, but somehow no one notices*

What Snape's Actually Saying: Ooh, Harry, baby, let me smear chocolate all over your taut little school boy body and lick it off every inch of you and your Quidditch toned muscles... Come to my dungeon, baby, let me punish you the way you punish me.... *etc.*

Hermione: There's only one thing to do at a time like this! *runs up to the teacher's stands and sets Snape ON FIRE... after knocking Quirrell on his ass, of course. This leads to general pandemonium. After it's over, Snape flicks his hair like a Loreal model and the game progresses as usual. The mildly attractive Slytherin Seeker and Harry chase each other around the pitch, cute Slytherin boy pulls away for no real reason and....*

Snitch: Hey! I am NOT a truffle!

Harry: Right, sorry. *spits Snitch out*

Lee Jordan: Yay! Gryffindor victory! Because it's rigged in their favor! Just like everything else at this school!

*However, after the game, we have other matters to attend to*

Hagrid: Why would Snape put a curse on Harry's broom?

Harry: Because he's Alan Rickman, that's why! Why else would he try to get past the vicious Cerberus on the third floor?

Hagrid: How do you know about my little Fluffy-kins?

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: Fluffy?

Hagrid: Of course! He's my sweet wittle pet who I wuv so very very much, yes I do! Yes I do! I lent him to Dumbledore to guard the title of the movie.

Harry: What's the title of the movie?

Hagrid: I can't tell you, stop asking. Snape won't steal it because he works here.

Audience Who's Read The Books: So does--

My Voice: Ssh! Don't ruin it for the rest of the audience!

Hermione: But that was definitely a curse, I've read about it! And I've read about Alan Rickman! He always plays villains! Always!

Hagrid: Stay out of this, the main plot is no place for the heroes of the movie. That dog is strictly between Dumbledore and FLAMEL!

Harry: Aha! Another clue!

*It's Christmas time in Hogwarts! The fire's lit, the ghosts are singing, and everything seems to be shiny and gold. Because God forbid there was a hint of silver, bronze, or black anywhere to celebrate a different House*

Hermione: Well, I'm out of here. Try not to miss me too much.

Harry and Ron: Don't worry. We won't.

Hermione: Do keep trying to solve this mystery while I'm gone! If it's not too much trouble. Don't forget, a group of letters is called a word, a group of words is called a sentence. Just trying to help, I know how difficult reading is for you. Merry Christmas! *leaves*

Ron: Thank God, I thought she'd never leave.

*on Christmas morning*

Harry: Why are we the only ones here? Aren't your brothers supposed to have stayed, too?

Ron: Why give them screen time? They're only the highlight of the first book. Anyway, look! You have Christmas presents!

Harry: What? *tears through them like a little kid* Woah, something shiny!

Ron: Wow! I know what that is through life experience and not books! It's an Invisibility Cloak! One of the most important plot points in the series! And you're supposed to use it well....

Harry and Ron: To the girls' dressing rooms!

Hermione's Disembodied Voice: Ahem.

Harry and Ron: Oh... To the Restricted Section!

Harry: How did I wind up doing this alone? Hey, look, The Screaming Book. Wonder what this is about. *opens it*

Book: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-- *huff puff* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Filch: Fear my horribly inconvenient appearance.

Harry: Oh, God, could this night get any worse? *bolts*

Quirrell: *stutters*

Snape: You don't want me as your enemy Quirrell.

Harry: Is he trying to rape somebody else? Someone please get that man a prostitute....

Snape: I hear breathing. *reaches out, somehow manages to miss Harry even though he's half an inch away, and goes back to acting shifty to Quirrell*

Filch: I'm baaa-aaack!

Harry: *runs straight into a plot device marked "Smaerd rou yuoywo hslliwt itiotniko oldnay awsiht tinrutuoy fituber omg niht onrorrimasti" In case anyone was wondering, that's not yet another Labyrinth reference. Really. Um....* Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the deadest of them all?

Lily and James: *appear* That would be us!

James: Any particular reason why I look like a forty year old American businessman when I was only, like, twenty when I died?

Lily: Don't ask me. And good God, can I stop smiling yet?

Harry: OMGZ! *runs off to wake Ron up with the power of sheet rigs* Ron, I don't care that you're asleep and it's, like, three in the morning, get up!!!

Ron: This had better be good... Hey! I'm sexy!

Harry: Okay, you were NOT in my fever dream about my parents.

Ron: Please, this is so much better. I laugh at all my inferior brothers!

Harry: Screw you, then, back to pretending I'm not an orphan. *the next night, he's doing exactly that*

Dumbledore: Boo.

Harry: OMGWTF?!

Dumbledore: So, you've noticed the mirror of obscure 80's cult movie references, NIGHTWING. So, you've figured out what it does by now? I don't know why I'm entrusting you with something that requires intelligence, seeing as you're a hero, but just go with it.

Harry: Clearly, I don't know. Because I'm stupid. Does it show us fever dreams?

Dumbledore: It shows us the deepest, most desperate desire of our hearts. *beat* Okay, where are the "awwww!"s from the audience?

Audience: Huh? Oh, sorry, we were too busy trying to get JKR to write a full length version of the freaking prologue.

JKR: Hey, I've already said no a million times and you have ten Harry Potter books if you count the textbooks and Beedle the Bard! What more do you want from me?

Dumbledore: Anyway, for example, in my case, it means... socks. Yeah. Right. People go batshit insane before this mirror, so I'm using that as an excuse to put it somewhere more helpful to the plot. Which reminds me. Don't you have a mystery to solve?

Harry: Jinkies! *scurries off*

Hermione: I'm back! Who missed me?

Audience: *no response*

Hermione: Okay, I get it, you're still pestering JKR.

Audience: Actually, we're answering you. You asked who missed you and no one said anything because you're so bloody irritating.

Hermione: *sulks* Anyway, while you were running around like chickens with their heads cut off looking for Flamel, I remembered something-- I've read about him! *pulls huge book out of her pocket and dumps it on the table*

Harry: *reading the title* Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix?

Hermione: ...oops. Wrong huge book. *pulls out another one and reads aloud* Blah blah blah, the title of the movie does amazing things that are an automatic motive for Snape to steal it and Nicolas Flamel made it.

Harry: Question-- wasn't I supposed to be the one to find Flamel?

Hermione: What, and deprive glorious, wonderful me of screentime? Bite your tongue!

Harry: Yes, ma'am.

Ron: There's only one thing to do at a time like this-- announce it to the world! And by the world I mean Hagrid!

*they bolt off, somehow managing to NOT bring the Invisibility cloak. Nice move, idiots!*

Hagrid: OMGWTFLEAVE!

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: But the main plot has unfolded!

Hagrid: ... oh. Damn. In you go.

Hermione: Snape's going to steal it! I've read all about him!

Hagrid: No, he wouldn't, he's protecting it. Don't believe everything you read.

Hermione: *sulks* But there are other things, too, right? Spells, enchantments, peaches that send you into an LSD hallucination of slow dancing with David Bowie?

Hagrid: Yep, except for the Labyrinth reference. But it's all a waste of time because no one could ever figure out the super-fantabulous, top-secret, amazing way to stop Fluffy.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: *lean in eagerly*

Hagrid: Nope. Wait until later, I'll tell you everything then.

Egg: *rattles*

Harry: How'd we manage not to notice this? And what is it, anyway?

Hagrid: Isn't it obvious? You're the next Dragon Rider, Harry!

Hermione: ... wrong book turned sucky movie, Hagrid.

Hagrid: ... my bad.

Hermione: Anyway, I've read about it! It's a--

Egg: *explodes, revealing a cute wittle baby dragon*

Audience and Hagrid: Awwww, it's so adorable!

Hagrid: Come to mummy, that's right!

Hermione: In no way are you anatomically capable of being that thing's mother. Or anything's mother, really.

Draco: Haha! Gryffindors breaking rules! Maybe this will show them that they're not actually perfect!

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: ... well, shit.

McGonagall: How can you do something like this? You're angels! You're gods! You're like the Second Coming, only better! But you're forcing me to take away a hundred and fifty points from the House of Blatant Favoritism! How could you bring the world to this? Also, all four of you are going to have detention to further the plot. Punishments have to be useful, of course.

Draco: Four? Wait! How did I get involved in this? I was the one who told you about them breaking rules!

McGonagall: You snitched on the perfect, lovely, little Gryffindors, and you're in Slytherin. The latter alone is worthy of an entire school career's worth of detentions. Aren't you glad I'm merciful on you, worthless little snake?

Draco: I hate my life.

Filch: I'm only the most sadistic bastard ever. Why won't they let me hang you all from my ceiling and whip you until you have no skin left?

Ron: It's a mystery all right.

Harry: Why are you here? Where's Neville?

Ron: Aren't I deprived of enough screentime because of her? *points to Hermione*

Hagrid: *snifflesobHOOOOOOWL* OMG, I had to give Norbert away, the world is ending, whatever will I do without my precious little dragon....

Filch: For God's sake, will you shut the hell up? You can catch something in the Forbidden Forest... preferably after it eats one of them.

Draco: B-b-b-but... we can't go in there! I'm too much of a wimp! And there are werewolves.

Filch: Not until the third movie, lad. Off you go.

Draco: My daddy's gonna kill you!

Lucius: Huh? What? Oh, sorry-- I was combing my hair. It's not easy being this pretty all the time!

Draco: ....

Hagrid: All right, let's go.

Unicorn Blood: *everywhere*

Harry: Ooooh... shiiiiny....

Hagrid: It's blood. Wipe some on yourself and you can look like a really sparkly version of Lord of the Flies. Or we can just find whoever did this to the poor thing, by splitting up in the dark, scary wood where everything is willing to come out and eat you. Ron, Hermione, you're coming with me.

Ron: NOOOO! WHY, GOD? WHY? WHY AM I ALWAYS WITH HER?!

Hagrid: Because I want Harry and Draco to be able to have more time to hate each other. With any luck, one of them will kill each other! Off you go!

Draco: *bitchbitchmoanwhine*

Harry: Will you please shut up? God, you're worse than Hermione. Look, there's nothing to be scared of...

Random Black Hooded Dude: BOO! *drips blood everywhere*

Harry: Oh, God, the migranes!

Malfoy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *runs away like the pansy he is*

Firenze: Fear not, young protagonist, for I have saved you from the CGI peril!

Harry: Aren't you supposed to be, like, attractive and resemble a human more than a chimpanzee with jaundice?

Firenze: Aren't you supposed to ask something more important?

Harry: Oh, yeah. What was that thing?

Draco: *still running in the background like something out of a Monty Python movie* AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!

Firenze: Evil. EEEEEEVIIIIIIL!!!!! *exposition*

Harry: Was that VOLDEMORT? The SORCERER'S STONE is in the school?

Hagrid: *gasp* You said the name!

Hermione: Did you miss me? You really should have you know, I'm only the greatest human being ever to grace the universe with her presence.

Firenze: You're safe now, in the presence of a giant who keeps dragons for pets, a kid who's not allowed to have a brain, and the girl with the power to annoy you to death. There's no way your mortal nemesis who keeps the company of Helena Bonham Carter and Jason Isaacs can hurt you now!

Harry: Well, gee, I feel safe now.

Hagrid: Bye, Firenze!

Firzenze: IT'S PRONOUNCED FIR-ENZ-EE, DAMMIT!

Draco: Has anyone else noticed that they totally just left me behind?

*apparently not, because here we are in the Gryffindor common room*

Hermione: So you almost died out there? Imagine that!

Harry: Yeah, and get this. *recap of everything we think we already know* VOLDEMORT'S GOING TO COME BACK!!! *cries*

Ron: Doesn't that mean he'll try to kill you?

Harry: No shit, Sherlock.

Hermione: But we have Dumbledore! There's nothing to fear with Dumbledore around! He's like Jesus with a magic wand!

Harry: *cheerfully* Great! I feel safe now!

*It's a jump to the left, and a step to the right, put your hands on your hips and you're doing it right-- but it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you inSAAAANE! LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! No, seriously, we just skipped unspecified lengths of time again.*

Hermione: I love exams! Studying is fun! It's a chance to show off all the things I read about! Because I don't do enough of that already!

Ron: It's official. You're crazy.

Harry: My migraines! They huuuurt!

Ron: You're just sick. There's no evil nemesis lurking about or anything!

Harry: Of course there are! I'm a hero! *lightbulb* OMG! I have a conspiracy theory!

Hagrid: This dangerous and ever so important conspiracy theory wouldn't happen to involve me, would it?

Harry: Mayyyybeee.... who gave you Norbert?

Hagrid: I don't know, but it's not that unsual. Everybody trusts a man in a black hood! How can you not? It's not suspicious at all not to want to show your face! Anyway, I told him everything! My name, my childhood, my secret desire for things with fangs, how to put Fluffy to sleep....

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: *bolt*

Hagrid: Dammit, they're off to further the plot again!

Harry: Where's Dumbledore? The climax of the movie is about to start and we need his wisdom before we can go do something incredibly stupid!

McGonagall: Well, then, it just sucks that he's conviniently left. Looks like the heroism is up to your inferior little brain!

Harry: But it's about the Sorcerer's Stone!

McGonagall: Children shouldn't know about such things, let alone Gryffindors! Now stop worrying, it's well protected and there couldn't possibly be a traitor in our midst. Now leave!

Harry: Great. Snape knows how to get past Fluffy!

Snape: You called?

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: *sputter incoherently*

Snape: It's a lovely day, and you shouldn't be inside with my creepiness. People will think you're...

Harry: ....

Snape: ..........

Ron: ....

Snape: .................

Hermione: ....

Snape: ......................

Harry: Um, Professor--

Snape: DON'T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I'M PAUSING DRAMATICALLY!!!! .... Up to something. Oh, and don't forget, Potter, if you break any more rules, I may have to punish you. Late at night. In my office. With whips and chains. Good day to you. *leaves, treating us to about five minutes of his billowy cape of doom*

Harry: Well, great, he knows. That's it. The climax of the movie starts... now!

*later on, in the common room....*

Trevor: Ha! I have caught you and your will to break rules with the power of toadliness!

Neville: How could you? You've gotten us into trouble before, but we're Gryffindors! We never get in trouble! You can't do this to us!

Hermione: Wanna bet? *shows off*

Neville: !!! *frozen*

Ron: How do you even know stuff like that?

Hermione: I read about it. Let's go!

Hogwarts Corridors: *are creepy when deserted*

Hermione: *shows off more*

Fluffy: *snores*

Harry: Son of a--! That harp mean's Snape's been here! It couldn't possibly be anyone else! No one else would ever want immortality and gold!

Harp: *stops*

Hermione: Does anyone else think that ominous silence could mean something bad?

Fluffy: Will you please keep it down?! Some of us are trying to sleep!

Fluffy's Fluffy's Left Head: I think I should kill them.

Fluffy's Fluffy's Middle Head: Shall I?

Fluffy's Fluffy's Right Head: Oh, I don't think so.

Fluffy's Middle Head: Well, what do I think?

Fluffy's Left Head: I think kill them.

Fluffy's Right Head: Let's be nice to them!

Fluffy's Middle Head: Oh, shut up.

Fluffy's Left Head: Hurry up, I want to bite his head off!

Fluffy's Right Head: Bite your own head off!

Fluffy's Middle Head: Yes, do us all a favor!

Fluffy's Left Head: What?

Fluffy's Right Head: Yapping on all the time!

Fluffy's Middle Head: You're lucky, you're not next to him!

Fluffy's Left Head: What do you mean?

Fluffy's Middle Head: You snore!

Fluffy's Left Head: No, I don't! Anyway, you've got bad breath!

Fluffy's Middle Head: Only because you don't brush my teeth!

Fluffy's Right Head: Oh, stop bitching and let's go have tea!

Fluffy's Left Head: All right, all right! We'll kill them first, and then have tea and biscuits.

Fluffy's Right Head: Not biscuits.

Fluffy's Left Head: All right, not biscuits, but let's kill them anyway!

All Three Heads: Right!

*Unfortunately for all three of Fluffy's heads, while Nightwing was busy referencing Monty Python, the three young protagonists seem to have disappeared through the trapdoor to move towards the final battle*

Fluffy's Middle Head: They've buggered off!

Fluffy's Left Head: So they have, they've scarpered!

Harry: Thank God we managed to escape that. Honestly, if this lunatic isn't quoting Labyrinth, she's quoting another cult movie.

Ron: And yay! We landed on something soft that can't possibly be dangerous!

Audrey II... I mean, Devil's Snare: FEED MEH!

Harry and Ron: AAAAH!!! HOLY SHIT, WE'RE BEING STRANGLED!!!!

Hermione: Calm down so I can concentrate on showing off! *disappears into the proverbial belly of the beast... er... giant... plant thing*

Harry: I'm the most incompetent hero ever, so I must do as I'm told! She's a genius, after all! *disappears, too*

Audrey II: FEED MEH, RONALD!

Ron: *about to have a heart attack*

Hermione: I am surrounded by idiots....

Harry: What do we do? We can't let the only main protagonist who can act die!

Hermione: I've read about this, I've read about this, I've read about this.... Aha! Poetry!

Ron: *up above* I'M TOO HOT TO DIE!!!

Hermione: Roses are red, violets are blue, the authoress hates sunlight and this plant does too! *Shows off the power of her non-canon spells, which, for once, I thank her for. My main eye candy for movie 6 is saved!*

Ron: Wow. That wasn't as scary as I expected.

Harry: You, my friend, are a dumbass. Come on, it's time to face certain death again. Hopefully with no obscure movie references.

My Voice: Ha, fat chance.

Hermione: What could that fluttering sound possibly be?

Harry: It couldn't possibly be those thousands of birds up there, could it?

Hermione: How dare you undermine my superior intelligence? I've never seen birds like these, so they can't possibly exist!

Harry: Hey, wait! They're keys! And there's a door to where we have to go!

Hermione: IT'S MY JOB TO BE OBSERVANT AND TO POINT OUT ANYTHING IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT, GOT IT?

Ron: *goes over to the door, but absolutely FAILS at showing off like Hermione*

Hermione: Of course it wouldn't work for you. You're not me. So how DO we figure this out? This scene is meant to show somebody else off, so I'm useless. Screenwriters, please take note-- I do NOT like this feeling!

Screenwriters: Yes, ma'am.

Ron: In case you're blind, I'll describe every detail of the handle to you in an effort to make myself useful for once.

Harry: Well. That's unexpectedly easy....

Ron: Don't worry! If Snape can catch it, you can!

Harry: I know. That's why I said it was easy. Way to pay attention.

Keys: Think again! *are suddenly thirsty for Harry's blood*

Harry: Wait here and try not to die! *The audience gets an odd sensation of déjà vu as Harry once again catches a small shiny object while riding a broomstick. The trio move on to the next room as the most useless challenge is over*

Keys: Curses! Foiled again! ... how are we going to get out of this door?

Harry: Well, these surroundings aren't ominous at all. What could this checkered floor and these statues of horses and towers possibly mean?

Ron: *tears welling up in his eyes* It's... it's a chessboard.... It's something... *sniffle* I'm good at! *a ray of light appears over him as he basks in the first moment ALL MOVIE he's been allowed decent character development. Hermione looks murderous*

*Things explode. Ron kicks ass. More things explode*

Special Effects Department: *are having way too much fun with this*

Ron: Even though this is my chance to shine, I've somehow managed to royally screw up.

Hermione: Hmph. Serves you right.

Ron: I have to do the brave, noble, and heroic thing and sacrifice myself!

Harry and Hermione: *manage to overreact and overact at the same time*

Queen: Ha, I have nooo problem with gravely injuring small, innocent children! DIE, FOOL!

Ron: *screams overly dramatically as he falls... two feet off his horse. Somehow, this has knocked him unconscious, even though the Queen made no physical contact with him and I've fallen down stairs with gaps longer than that fall and retained conciousness*

Harry: And now, I checkmate you, useless King!

King: Well, damn. *fails*

Harry and Hermione: *run to Ron's side to make sure the unnecessary drama didn't kill him*

Harry: Hermione, they cut your big chance to show your talents off because in this movie alone, you've done enough of that for every other character in the entire series. Take care of Ron and drag Dumbledore's sorry carcass back here.

Hermione: It's okay, Harry-- you've got the power of the protagonist on your side. Even without my superior intelligence, you won't be allowed to fail.

*They feed the Harry/Hermione shippers for a while until Harry finally steps into the final chamber*

Harry: Give me the child... GODDAMMIT, NIGHTWING!!!

My Voice: Hehe, sorry. Couldn't resist.

Harry: *looks at his adversary* What? You're not Snape! *mind breaks*

Quirrell: HA! FOOOLED YOU!!! It is I! Quirrell! The suspicious skinny white guy in the turban! My stutter is gone, to be replaced by a tendency to overenunciate everything! I was knocked on my ass during the Quidditch game, so I couldn't knock you off your broom, you defeated the troll I sent after you!

Harry: But I thought Snape did it all! He's played by Alan Rickman! His cape blows behind him when he walks!

Quirrell: And you jump to conclusions way too easily! Snape suspected me from the moment we met, and tried to threaten me with a combination of torture and rape into stopping whenever he thought I was alone. But I'm never alone. There are people EVERYWHERE. EVERYWHERE!!!!

Harry: ...

Quirrell: Ahem. Yes. As I was saying... I can't get the Stone out of the Mirror of Obscure 80s Cult Movie References because I'm evil.

Mysterious, Really, Really, Freaky Voice: Use the boy....

Quirrell: *spits everywhere as he screams*

Harry: Dude, no need to shout, I'm standing two feet away. *steps towards the mirror* I've made it to the Castle Beyond the Goblin City at the center of the Labyrinth in the required thirteen hours.

Mysterious, Really, Really Freaky Voice: Liar!

Harry: Umm... I've found the Holy Grail after answering the three questions from the old man from Scene 24.

Mysterious, Really, Really Freaky Voice: Still not right!

Harry: Errr.... I got an O on my Potions final.

Mysterious, Really, Really Freaky Voice: Still... wait, what?

Harry: ...

Mysterious, Really Really Freak Voice: Oh, you know what, screw it. Quirrell, let me out of here, your turban is all sweaty.

Quirrell: You're not strong enough to speak!

Mysterious, Really, Really Freaky Voice: What do you call what I've been doing this whole time, idiot?

Quirrell: *takes off the turban. Without it, he looks oddly like my band teacher*

Voldemort: Haaaarryyyy Potteeeeer....

Harry: *GASP* Voldemort!

Voldemort: *monologues. He will never outgrow this habit* Give me the stone, Harry! You can be evil!

Harry: Never!

Voldemort: But I give out cookies on Saturdays!

Harry: Please. I get cookies EVERY day.

Voldemort: Well, I tried. Puppet body! Kill him and give me the stone!

Quirrell: *channels the Matrix*

Harry: I must find a way to stop your evil! I know! I GRAB YOUR FACE!

Quirrell: I'm melting! MEEEEEEEEEEELTING!!! No, wait-- I'M DISINTEGRATING! AAAAAH! *dies*

Voldemort: I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too! *cackles and rushes through Harry as an evil cloud of death*

Harry: At least it wasn't a Labyrinth reference. *passes out for no real reason*

Dumbledore: *summarizes the entire movie. This is supposed to make him look wise, but succeeds only in boring everybody to death*

Harry: Umm... Professor? Could you stop eating my candy please?

*Cut to later on, and there is a mushy-gushy friendship scene with lots of smiles where we see that Ron miraculously recovered from his two foot fall and the camera will not leave Hermione. Then it's off to the welcome feast*

McGonagall: *is crying because someone besides Gryffindor won the House cup*

Slytherins: MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! We PWN!!!

Snape: Oh yeah. The power of Alan Rickman compells you.

Dumbledore: Well, it seems like the House of Blatant Favoritism hasn't won... so we must rectify this heinous mistake! Harry, you get sixty points for being the hero. Ron, you get fifty points for finally showing that you're good at something. Hermione, you get fifty points for having the screenwriters whore after you. Neville, you get ten points for absolutely no reason other than to end the tie between The House of Glory and Wonder and The House of Evil Scumbags. Hey, what do you know? Gryffindor wins!

Snape: ... I hate you all.

Draco: *cries like the little pansy he is*

McGonagall: All is right with the world!

Gryffindors: *celebrate*

Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs: *celebrate also* Why are we happy about this?

Hagrid: Everybody get on the train and get out of my sight!

Harry: Wait a minute, I've got to have a mushy goodbye with my first ever friend.

Hagrid: And oddly enough, I have a present for you.

James and Lily: Hi, Harry! Now you never have to miss us again!

Baby Harry: And I'm still wearing a Blue's Clues romper ten years before the show started!

Hagrid: Maybe if the screenwriters don't butcher the third movie, it'll even be a plot point!

Screenwriters: But scene transitions are mucn more important than the plot! LOLZWTFBIRDS.

Hagrid: So, after encouraging you to live a life of intimidation and threats on your cousin's sanity, let's hug!

Harry: Um... isn't this encouraging some really crazy slashers?

Hagrid: SHUT UP AND HUG ME.

*Harry shuts up and hugs Hagrid*

Hermione: It's strange to be going home, isn't it?

Harry: Let's see... what's the cheesiest way to end this movie possible? Aha! I'm not going home... not really!

*As the train pulls through the beauty of the English countryside, we are treated to another four hours of credits, and the movie ends... until next year!*