Big Brother

'Harry,' came Sirius's voice.

Harry Potter groaned and roused from his troubled dreams of his godfather. He glanced groggily at the neon clock on his bedside table.

1.26am.

At least Harry thought that's what it said, without his glasses he couldn't be sure...it might be 1.28.

He began to sit up to search for his glasses but stopped when he realised that in the scheme of things, it really really didn't matter.

He dropped his head back to his pillow and closed his eyes, willing the nightmares to be gone. He was drifting off to sleep quickly.

'Harry,' came the voice again.

Wait a minute, thought Harry. I'm not even asleep this time!

Harry opened his eyes and sat up. He found his glasses and shoved them onto the bridge of his nose, before surveying his dark room.

Desk...school things...Sirius's ghost... cupboard...

'SIRIUS?'

'Harry,' said Siruis, for the third time. It was quite eerie.

'Yo.'

'Yes...'

'You're a ghost?'

'Yep.'

'How come?'

'Well, good people go to heaven, bad people go to hell. But when you're good, but everyone thinks your bad, God gets confused, so you become a ghost.'

'Oh...I see. Well what about Nearly Headless Nick?'

'He was beheaded, so someone obviously thought he was bad, but hes not.'

'Oh yea, sure,' said Harry. 'Ah hah! How do you explain the Bloody Baron?'

'Well he...Harry, I didn't come here to talk to you about the Bloody Baron!'

'Sirius, you're here for all eternity...surely there's no hurry?'

'Oh, no actually I'm not. I have some connections up in heaven. Lily Potter says she can hook me up.'

Harry burst into a fit of emotional tears.

'You can't just reappear in my life, and then leave again! It's not fair!'

'Harry, you are way to emotional. It's annoying, stop it.'

'K,' said Harry.

'Anyway...the reason I'm here is to tell you something I should have told you a long time ago. I'm not Sirius Black.'

'Um, yes you are.'

'No, I am not. I am your father, James Potter.'

'WHAT?'

'You see, all those years ago, when Voldemort found Lily and my secret hideout, I knew she was a gonner. But I wasn't going down without a fight. I managed to kill Voldemort, but in turn, he warped my memory and I became a hermit.'

'But I thought I killed Voldemort?'

'No, that was me. You did nothing.'

'Well how do you explain the scar?'

'Permanent Marker.'

Harry rubbed his forehead.

'Why does it hurt when Voldemort is near then?'

'Your skin has formed an irritation from the marker ink. Voldemort's evil stink waves cause the irriation to flare up, and you feel pain. It's like putting a cut finger into lemon juice.'

'I don't believe you. Why would you pretend to be Sirius?'

'Because, it is fun to be on the run.'

'Idiot...'

'Hey! I'm your father! Treat me with a little more respect young man. Anyway, back to why I chose to reveal myself as Sirius. Sirius Black and I look very similar. Dark hair, same eyes...sometimes we would switch places. When Sirius was in Azkaban, he died. On that same day, I regained all memory of who I was, like Sirius's death had opened my mind. You see, Sirius Black is actually responsible for Lily's death, it was not Peter Pettigrew, who only recently joined the Dark Lord.'

Harry nodded, wide eyed.

'I became Sirius because I couldn't put you through the return of your father after all those years. And because it's fun on the run.'

Harry slowly stood up. The blankets fell away; Harry had forgotten that he wasn't wearing any pyjamas. Both he and his father stared for about two minutes before Harry embarrassedly covered himself with the sheet, and sat back down.

'Well that was educational,' said James.

Harry blushed scarlet.

'Oh come on,' said James, 'I've been dead for three months, and I have been here the whole time. I've seen your winkie before.'

'Oh god!'

'Well, yes.'

'So why did you choose 1.26am to show up?'

'It was 1.28.'

'Whatever!' Harry snapped. He was quite touchy on the subject of his eyesight.

'So, what's been up?'

'I dunno, not much, it's the holidays, you know...'

At that moment, Harry's gigantic cousin Dudley walked into the room on tiptoe, not even noticing Harry and James.

He walked over to Harry's dresser where he stopped and pulled open the first draw.

Harry stared in disbelief.

'Um...Dudley?'

'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!'

Dudley immediately dropped the pair of Harry's boxers he had been holding up to himself. James had conviently chosen this moment to make himself invisible.

'What ARE you doing?' Harry demanded.

'I was, um, uh, I was looking for my boxers. Yes...'

With that he sidled guitily out of the room, glancing jealously at Harry's tiny waist line and sexy curves.

James reappeared, chortling.

'Anyway Harry, I'd better be off to heaven,' said James.

'Oh,' Harry said, verging on another emotional breakdown. 'But I have so many questions!'

'Like...?'

'Well...where have you been living all these years?'

'I was in Azkaban...I mean, Kazakstan!'

'Wait a minute....Sirius?' said Harry crossly. 'It is you isn't it!'

'Yeah,' said Sirius dejectedly. 'Did I almost have you?'

'Yea, despite the absolute ridiculousness of your story. I don't think I've believed one of your pranks since you told me you were actually a woman.'

Sirius giggled.

'Well, that's because in both that case and this one, a lot of it was true.' He said, cupping his breasts in his hands.

'You're really my father?'

'Yup. James was infertile, and quite frankly, he just couldn't satisfy his woman, so I did what any best man would have done, and I slept with the bride. Hence you're existance, and my connections with Lily in heaven.'

Sirius winked.

'Ew,' said Harry. 'That's my mum!'

'You're right about that....' said Sirius, unconvincingly.

'Uh oh,' said Harry, 'What now?'

'Well, Lily Potter is actually the sister of your mother. James was going to marry Lily's sister, but he found out we'd slept together, and so he called it off and married Lily.'

'So neither of the Potters are my parents?'

'Nope, you are the son of me and....PETUNIA!'

'AHHHH Aunt Petunia is my...my MOTHER???'

Sirius nodded.

'Then...why was I living with Lily and James?'

'Well, you weren't, but as it happened, on the night that Voldemort went to Godric's Hollow, Lily, James, Petunia and I had been out drinking. Well, we accidently mixed you up with Lily and James's son, Boyd, and so that's why everyone thought you were Harry Potter. You're not, you're Boyd Black.'