Monty Python's Flying Circus, Harry-Potter Style

FADE IN. Camera pans down a closed boardwalk to open milk-toss booth. There sits JAMES POTTER behind a news anchor-style desk. A MAN throws a ball at the milk bottles behind JAMES POTTER. JAMES POTTER ducks then picks up a paper.

JAMES POTTER:

And now for something completely different.

Close-up of SIRIUS BLACK as the "It's" man.

"IT'S" MAN:

IT'S...

Cartoon opening featuring John Philip Sousa's "Liberty Bell March." About half way in, JAMES POTTER, voice-over.

JAMES POTTER:

MOONY PADFOOT'S FLYING CIRCUS

SCENE 1: A "BBC 1 COLOUR" billboard with blue spinning globe. SEVERUS SNAPE, voice-over.

BBC ANNOUNCER:

Tonight on the BBC, a choice of viewing. On BBC 2: Ethel The Frog; featuring Bartemius Crouch, Junior; Dolores Umbridge; and Gilderoy Lockhart. And on BBC 1, me, telling you this. And now, a word from the French.

SCENE 2: JAMES POTTER and SIRIUS BLACK flank an overlarge bottle of purple potion. They are standing in a field, wearing black and white striped shirts, black trousers and black berets. SIRIUS BLACK is wearing a false moustache.

TALLER FRENCH MAN:

Ce breuvage magique nouveau et amélioré de varicelle inventé par mon collègue (motions to JAMES POTTER) et moi est garanti pour traiter la varicelle sur bum, vent dans botty, bas-accrocher knockers, tordu, recueillant knickers et une ce wee-wee brûlures.

SIRIUS BLACK removes false moustache and places it on JAMES POTTER.

SHORTER FRENCH MAN:

Merci. Tout ce qui est exigé est que vous devez prendre une petite

partie...

SIRIUS BLACK dips one hand into overlarge bottle

SHORTER FRENCH MAN:

L'éclabousser sur votre visage...

SIRIUS BLACK does so.

SHORTER FRENCH MAN:

Et puis tourner 3 fois

autour.

SIRIUS BLACK holds up three fingers, then begins to spin.

SCENE 3: A black billboard with "AN APOLOGY" written in white. SEVERUS SNAPE, voice-over.

ANNOUNCER MAN:

The BBC would like to apologise for the following announcement.

SCENE 4: PETER PETTIGREW, in a suit, stands before a black screen.

BBC CENSOR:

The BBC has heretofore banned the following words for use on this programme.

PETER PETTIGREW pushes slide advancer button in his hand. Slides appear next to PETER PETTIGREW on the black screen.

B*M

B*TTY

KN*CKERS

KN*CKERS

W**-W**

SEMPRINI

LILY EVANS enters.

WOMAN:

'Semprini'?

BBC CENSOR:

Out!

PETER PETTIGREW points off-stage.

SCENE 5: Ethel the Frog. Yellow superscript designating that the program is Ethel the Frog appears before JAMES POTTER. Camera zooms out to show three people sitting with JAMES POTTER. Superscript disappears. PETER PETTIGREW sits to his right, (doing his best imitation of a small patch of brown liquid that may or may not be creosote or some sort of varnishing) as Bartemius Crouch, Junior. SEVERUS SNAPE sits to his immediate left, (done up as a frog-like ratbag) as Dolores Umbridge. And REMUS LUPIN sits to his far left, (in an organza dress) and is Gilderoy Lockhart.

ETHEL THE FROG:

Barty Crouch, what did you think of that?

PETER PETTIGREW stares at JAMES POTTER stupidly, then slides out of his chair onto the floor.

ETHEL THE FROG:

Thank you, Mr Crouch. Miss Umbridge?

DOLORES UMBRIDGE:

KILL HARRY POTTER!

ETHEL THE FROG:

Thank you, Dolores.

GILDEROY LOCKHART:

May I sign your semprini?

SIRIUS BLACK dressed as a constable arrests REMUS LUPIN. JAMES POTTER puts on a top hat, picks up a briefcase, and begins doing the JOHN CLEESE Minister of Silly Walks silly walk around the discussion show set and then off-camera.

SCENE 6: JAMES POTTER doing his silly walk past a bunch of gas cooker deliverymen lined up out of a house and down a street. He walks silly past two GUMBIES, PETER PETTIGREW and REMUS LUPIN.

GUMBIES:

OH, THAT WAS FUN!

SCENE 7: another black billboard with "AN APOLOGY" written in white cuts off the GUMBIES. SEVERUS SNAPE, voice-over.

ANNOUNCER MAN:

The BBC would like to apologise for the following announcement.

(Long Pause)

Anyway, time for a cartoon.

SCENE 8: A cartoon GUMBY, voiced by SIRIUS BLACK, stands in front of a cartoon tree. The cartoon camera zooms in quickly with every syllable the cartoon GUMBY says.

GUMBY:

I HOPE YOU ARE EN-JOY-ING THIS!

A cartoon ambulance drives by the cartoon GUMBY. It approaches five cartoon frogs that, instead of croaking, are burping intermittently. Two cartoon heads, voiced by REMUS LUPIN and JAMES POTTER pop out of the top of the cartoon ambulance.

WIZARD #1:

Oh, a Five-Frog Curse.

WIZARD #2:

Never seen one like this.

WIZARD #1:

Very well.

The cartoon ambulance backs up off-screen.

WIZARD #1:

Get the magic wand.

WIZARD #2:

Fire!

A cartoon, white ball of cartoon light hits the cartoon frogs. A cartoon explosion reveals JAMES POTTER, REMUS LUPIN, SEVERUS SNAPE, PETER PETTIGREW, and SIRIUS BLACK done up as GUMBIES.

GUMBIES:

AND NOW A SKETCH ABOUT CANINES CALLED 'THE CANINE SKETCH'!

Camera stays on GUMBIES.

GUMBIES:

'THE CANINE SKETCH'!

Camera is still on GUMBIES. GUMBIES point in various directions.

GUMBIES:

'THE CANINE SKETCH'!

SCENE 9: Camera zooms in on REMUS LUPIN in a veterinarian's office, holding the leash of an enormous black dog. One can still hear the GUMBIES shouting. JAMES POTTER, the veterinarian, enters.

VETERINARIAN:

(Shouting off-camera) SHUT UP!

The GUMBIES stop shouting. REMUS LUPIN approaches the counter that JAMES POTTER is standing behind.

VETERINARIAN:

May I help you, Mr Lupin?

MAN:

Er, yes. I brought Snuffles for his appointment.

JAMES POTTER looks down at his ledger.

VETERINARIAN:

Oh, yes. Right here. Lupin. Dog.

JAMES POTTER looks up from his ledger.

VETERINARIAN:

Will that be all today?

MAN:

Yes, I think so.

VETERINARIAN:

Oh, well, thank you sir.

JAMES POTTER takes Snuffles' leash from REMUS LUPIN. Both men stand there, staring at each other.

MAN:

Do I have any more lines?

VETERINARIAN:

Well, let's have a look at the script.

JAMES POTTER pulls out copy of script from under counter. Opens it to near the end.

VETERINARIAN:

Are you 'MAN'?

MAN:

Yes.

VETERINARIAN:

No.

MAN:

Oh, well, I'll be off then.

REMUS LUPIN exits.

SCENE 10: JAMES POTTER takes Snuffles to kennel area. He puts him in a cage with two other dogs. An Irish setter voiced by SEVERUS SNAPE, the other a Welsh corgi voiced by PETER PETTIGREW. Snuffles voiced by SIRIUS BLACK.

SNUFFLES:

(To the dog voiced by PETER PETTIGREW) What are you in for?

WELSH CORGI:

Well, I am a digger. I dig through anything. I dug through my master's carpet, so I'm in to get neutered.

IRISH SETTER winces.

SNUFFLES:

(To the dog voiced by SEVERUS SNAPE) What are you in for?

IRISH SETTER:

I'm an 'owler. I 'owls any time, day or nigh'. I 'owled all nigh' one nigh' so I'm ins here t' gets me nadgers taken off.

WELSH CORGI winces.

IRISH SETTER:

(To SNUFFLES) Wha' is you in for?

SNUFFLES:

I'm a shagger myself. I'll shag anything. Shag the table leg, shag the dust mop, anything, really. My master bent over in the shower and I shagged him.

IRISH SETTER and WELSH CORGI gasp.

IRISH SETTER:

So, is you in t' gets you nadgers off?

SNUFFLES:

No, to get my nails and semprini trimmed.

REMUS LUPIN dressed as a constable rips open the cage, pulls a choke leash around Snuffles' neck, and drags him out of the cage.

SCENE 11: A black billboard with "AN APOLOGY" written in white appears. SEVERUS SNAPE, voice-over.

ANNOUNCER MAN:

The BBC would like to apologise for the constant repetition in this programme.

SCENE 12: A second Billboard, also with "AN APOLOGY" written in white, becomes visible when the first is pulled off-screen. SEVERUS SNAPE, voice-over.

ANNOUNCER MAN:

The BBC would like to apologise---

The billboard is torn in half by a large cartoon woman.

LARGE CARTOON WOMAN:

SEMPRINI!

The large cartoon woman is blown up. The explosion reveals the five GUMBIES.

GUMBIES:

OH, THAT WAS FUN! AND NOW--

JAMES POTTER GUMBY:

THE END!

The other GUMBIES shout, "THE END!" over each other. FADE UP "Liberty Bell March." Roll end credits over GUMBIES shouting. FADE OUT.