Just Another Day in Divination

Severus Snape was seriously putting the moves on me. He kept flashing this devilish grin at me and flipping his greasy hair over his shoulders. To say the least, I was disgusted. Okay, maybe I was turned on just a bit, but before I could decide between horror or appreciation, I woke up.

The light was streaming in through the windows, and birds were chirping sweetly outside. The morning promised to be a beautiful one. Even the giant squid appeared happy, as it was doing some sort of underwater tap dance in the lake. From my door I could hear the stifled laughter and murmurings of children.

Sigh.

It was just another day at Hogwarts.

I quickly shook myself awake and crawled out of bed to the large antique mirror by my dresser. I was in a bit of a rush, so instead of doing my hair, I flung a gauze headband over it instead. Luckily, I always wore the same clothes (having several replicas of my usual outfit in my closet) so I didn't need to change. Finally, I fixed my overlarge glasses in place.

There. Ready to face the day.

I opened the door to my chambers and glided into the dusty classroom. For a moment, the students shut up as they stared openly at me. Then they turned back to each other and began yammering away again.

My eyes immediately fell upon one particular student, a dark-haired, skinny fellow. What was his name again? Well, by the looks of him, he'd recently been in a battle with the Dark Lord. Again. He was a cocky little fellow, although little was a relative term, as he was half a foot taller than me.

I glided over to his table, where he was sitting with that unattractive redhead.

"Ah, my dear," I said grandly. "I see you have been engaged in a terrible battle."

The red-haired boy--Weasley, yes, that was it--rolled his eyes in an attempt at being droll. The dark-haired boy looked away, ignoring me. The cheek of those young boys! Luckily, my good students, Parvati and Lavender, were staring at me in awe, for, as I knew well, I was right.

"You must be careful, my boy," I announced, continuing my prediction. "You are in grave danger. According to your monthly chart, tomorrow is the day that you shall die!"

Gasps were heard all around the room. I resisted the urge to grin. They were in awe of me; they were enamored of me. They thought I was cool!

Suddenly the raven-haired boy gazed up at me, his emerald eyes glinting. "Mars is in the second house this month," he said coolly. "You said yourself that when Mars is in the second house during the month of my half-birthday that I cannot die, only be horribly and tragically maimed."

Damn it! The boy had actually listened in class for once. My own made up astronomy theories were being used against me. I knew that the only chance to save what was left of my dignity was to quickly invent an authentic- and latin-sounding term.

"W-well, you s-see--" I stammered loudly. God, stop that stuttering! And quit talking in that unnaturally loud voice!

"Uh," I continued, "You heard me wrong, Mr. Potter." Potter! That was his name! "You obviously thought I said second house, when I really said secus...er, secus..." Think now, Sybil, surely you know one actual word in Latin! I scanned the room for anything to aid me. Aha! Lavender had left her Latin notes open. I casually made my way over to her table and inconspicuously stared at her notes.

"Um, Professor?" she asked quizzically. "Do you need something?"

"Oh, no, no." I waved the question away. "Simply...pondering."

Lavender slowly closed her scroll and stared at me. But I had seen what I needed. I returned to Potter's table.

"Secus canicula," I proclaimed, pointing a finger at the Potter boy. "Obviously you mixed up the second house and secus canicula, which is when Mars crosses Jupiter's path, at the same time as the sun begins its solar flare cycles." I was about to improvise more details when I heard a loud snort from Parvati and Lavender's table.

I swiftly turned and glared at the two girls. Lavender was hunched over on her stool, shaking with silent laughter, one hand clapped over her mouth. Parvati looked extremely concerned for her.

"Miss Brown, I am surprised at this behavior!" I cried, sounding surprisingly like Minerva McGonagall. Shudder.

"B-but, Professor," Lavender giggled. "You just called Harry a sexy bitch!"

A moment of confused silence fell over the room, as the students taking Latin courses quickly flipped through their notes. Then, all in an instant, my classroom was consumed by laughter.

"It's true!" Finnigan howled, a tear streaming down his face.

"I--I," I stuttered. "I--aye..." Why couldn't I talk? My throat was frozen.

"Professor!" Parvati Patil cried, amidst the chaos. "I've just checked my notes! You did say he couldn't die while Mars was in the second house!"

Oh, wonderful. Now not only was my reputation as a non-pedophilic woman shattered, but my reputation as a teacher and a seer as well. I heaved a loud sigh.

"Class dismissed," I snapped. "Tell Dumbledore I've...fallen ill. Tell him that I'm going to be in bed for a while."

My choice of words only set the class in louder laughter.

"GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM!" I shrieked.

They scattered.