Pirate Ships: A Fic of Screwed-Up Relationships

Pirate Ships:

A Fic of Screwed-Up Relationships

or

Mstar Wreaks Havoc upon the Fanfiction World

A young girl, barely in highschool, stared at the screen of a computer, placed on a desk in the middle of a dark room. She had black cat ears poking out of her blonde hair and a black cat tail sticking out of a hole in the back of her jeans. She flicked a stray piece of popcorn off her red and black tie-dye t-shirt and clicked on a link that appeared promising on the fanfiction website she was surfing. After reading only a few paragraphs, she quickly clicked the back button on the screen. After following the same process several more times, she stood up with an angry growl and started torching things in the room with her cat-demon fire powers.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed, catching even more things on fire. "CAN'T SOMEONE GO ON THE INTERNET AND READ A FANFIC AND NOT BE THOROUGHLY DISGUSTED?!" She turned back to the computer and if hadn't been for the fact that she remembered that all her fanfiction writings were on it and that it was the only computer she had, she probably would have torched it too.

The cat-demon girl turned backed to the computer and scrolled through the fanfics listed, the content of which causing her to rant. "SNAPE AND HERMIONE?! ROBIN AND RAVEN?! KAGOME AND SESSHOMARU?! KEL AND JOREN?! HARRY AND DRACO?!?! DUMBLEDORE AND HARRY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! ?!?!?!?!?! ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE THINKING?!?!?!?!" The girl collapsed into her spinny chair, having used up her question mark and exclamation point quota for the day.

She sat back up and started scrolling through the fics again, muttering to herself. "These aren't even real ships!" she grumbled. "These are, these are... PIRATE SHIPS!!! The ships are all stealing stories from the true ships!" The girl suddenly sprung up from her chair and shouted, "THESE SHIPS MUST BE SUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

She sat back down in a hurry, x-ing out the internet and pulling up Microsoft Word. She started typing hurriedly, calling up all her evil authoress abilities. She knew what she must do. She had to sink the evil Pirate Ships, starting with the work of literature that received the most obscure, bizarre, strange, and just downright disgusting ships in the fanfiction about it. Mstar the Cat Demon had to start with...

It's was just another day at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry when the spell struck...

Chapter One:

Mad Things Girls Do

or

What the F&#k is Going On?!

It was just another day at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry when the spell struck. Of course, being teenagers, nobody noticed, but it struck none the less. The Slytherins were Slytherining (as in they were being pain-in-the-rear gits, being mean to everyone and keeping the poor Hufflepuffs gloomy and downtrodden), the Gryffindors were Gryffindoring (as in they were stopping the Slytherins from Slytherining), the Hufflepuffs were Hufflepuffing (or in other words, being put down by the Slytherining Slytherins [try saying that ten times fast]), and of course, you guessed it!, the Ravenclaws were Ravenclawing (aka laughing superiorly at everyone else then psychoanalyzing them, wondering why they have feelings of inferiority). Yes, just another day at Hogwarts.

The good 'ole Golden Trio was sitting under the beech tree as usual, when Neville came slouching over to them, depressed as usual. Little did they know that it was the first sign of trouble.

"What's wrong, Neville?" Hermione asked, in a comforting tone.

"Yeah," Ron added, "why the Hufflepuffing?"

"Huh?" Neville asked, rather confused (so what else is new?).

"It's Ron's term for being gloomy and downtrodden," Hermione enlightened, all-knowing as usual (she was Ravenclawing).

Neville raised an eyebrow and sat down with the Trio. "You do know that sounds like an innuendo for smoking weed."

"And the Hufflepuffs aren't on weed?" Ron replied. To everyone's surprise, Hermione didn't say anything, but continued reading the book she had had her nose in before Neville came along.

"Hermione, is there something wrong with you?" Harry inquired, concerned yet slightly irritated at the fact that he's the main character (they're the Harry Potter books after all) and yet he hadn't been able to say anything yet, due to the evilnessness of the authoressress.

"What do you mean?" she asked over her book.

"Well, you've yet to yell at Ron."

"So?"

"Well that's about as unusual as me having no lines so far, because J.K. usually makes me run my mouth off. In ALL CAPS for that matter."

"Can't argue with you there," Ron agreed. "Especially after your explosion at Grimmauld Place last year." He stopped for a moment, thinking (for a change). "As a matter of fact, Hermione hasn't yelled at me all day. The last time we were at school and Hermione didn't yell at me for a day strait was during second year... Before hormones hit... HEY!!!"

"Uh, so what's bothering you, Neville?" Hermione said quickly, attempting to change the subject, as Ron was finally catching on to her behavior since third year.

"Well," Neville started tentatively, as Ron muttered to himself and ticked things off on his fingers. "I was sitting in the common room minding my own business...

Flashback

Neville Longbottom collapsed into an armchair, exhausted after having to run all over the place, trying to find Trevor. Currently, the toad was sitting on the arm of the chair, sitting in that toady way toads sit. "Hey, Neville."

Neville jumped in surprise. It was Lavender.

"Hey, Trevor," Parvati said in the same sly, feminine voice that Lavender had used. Both girls leaned up against the armchair, making eyes at either Neville or Neville's toad. Was it Neville's imagination, or were the two girls flirting with him? No, Lavender was flirting with him. Parvati was flirting with Trevor. Now Neville knew something was up. Up and going wrong- horribly, horribly wrong.

"Uh," he stammered, getting up and grabbing Trevor. "This isn't some sort of prank, is it?"

"Why would we do something like that?" Parvati purred, her eyes never leaving the reptile in Neville's grasp, as she and Lavender came on to the boy and his toad, causing said boy to back up.

"Yes," Lavender agreed, making eyes at Neville. "We only want to talk to you and your toad." Neville continued to back up, convinced that this was some kind of joke. He was starting to get hot. Those girls could be really seductive when they wanted to be. What was that smell? The boy turned around and screamed.

"I'M ON FIRE! I'M ON FIRE!!!" The back of his robes was alight, its owner having backed into a fireplace.

"We'll save you, Neville!" the girls exclaimed in unison. They tore down some curtains and proceeded to whack Neville with them. At that moment, Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnigan came down from the boys' dorm.

"Lavender and Parvati are attacking Neville!" Dean shouted.

"We'll save you, Neville!" the boys exclaimed in unison. They tore down some curtains and proceeded to whack the girls with them. At that moment, Ginny Weasley and Katie Bell came down from the girls' dorm.

"Dean and Seamus are attacking Lavender and Parvati!" Ginny shouted.

"We'll save you, Lavender and Parvati!" the girls exclaimed in unison. They tore down some curtains and proceeded to whack the boys with them. At that moment, Colin and Dennis Creevy came down from the boys' dorm.

"Ginny and Katie are attacking Dean and Seamus!" Colin shouted.

"We'll save you, Dean and Seamus!" the boys exclaimed in unison. They tore down some curtains and proceeded to whack the girls with them.

In all the confusion, Neville and Trevor managed to escape.

End of Flashback

...and after that I went up to the Hospital Wing. Madam Pomfrey wanted to know how I got burns in that, um, place. You know, on my bum," Neville finished awkwardly.

"Did you tell her?" Hermione asked curiously. Neville nodded. "What'd she say?"

"Nothing. She was too busy laughing. D-,"Neville was interrupted by Draco Malfoy, who at that moment, ran right by the spot where the four were sitting. As it was, he was being chased by Luna Lovegood, of all people.

"Come here Draky-poo!" she shouted after him.

"No!" he yelled back. "I don't want to see your horklump collection, you freak!"

The four just stared for a moment before bursting out laughing. "I believe," Ron replied, "that we've just found a new nickname for Malferret."

"But seriously," Harry said after regaining his composure, "I think there's something going on here."

"Yeah," Ron agreed. "Parvati and the toad? Who knew she was such a pervert? Hey! New nickname! Perverti Parvati!"

"Ron, cut it with the nicknames," Harry snapped. "And it's not just Perver- er, I mean, Parvati, Parvati and Lavender. It's Luna too, and last time I checked, she didn't have a thing for Malfoy. I also saw Cho and Goyle together."

"So?" Ron said off-handedly, as he lay down on the grass. "Your point is?"

Harry sighed. "I hate to have to do this to ya, but I saw Ginny making eyes at Hagrid."

"WHAT!" Ron exploded as he sat strait up. The three boys all looked at Hermione, who quickly tried to hide the book that she was reading. "Do you have any idea what's going on at this school?" Ron demanded of her.

"Um, no," she responded, clearly lying.

"Grab her book!" Neville exclaimed. There was a brief struggle, but the boys succeeded, taking possession of the book Hermione had tried to keep hidden.

The boys looked at it for a moment, in shock. "IT'S A CONSPIRCY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ron shouted. The book was entitled, How to Seduce Your Potions Master. He threw it to the ground, where Hermione snatched it up quickly. "WHAT THE F&#K IS GOING ON?!"

Hermione let out a bit of a nervous laugh. "For once in my life I have no idea." Ron let out another yell of rage.

"Now look who's talking in ALL CAPS now," Harry said smugly.

Later that evening, in the Great Hall, Professor McGonagall stood up before the school to make an announcement.

"Temporarily, I will be taking over as headmistress," she stated. "It appears that Professor Dumbledore has eloped with the house elf, Dobby. Um, it was something about socks..." She trailed off as the Great Hall burst into whispering.

"Furthermore," she continued as the sound dissipated, "I have received a message, a message that explains all the strange, romantic nonsense that has been going on in this school as of late. I shall show it to you now." She pulled out a small, black cube, and set it down on a table. Onto the wall it faced, it projected an image portraying one of those white, egg-shaped chairs, like the one Dr. Evil sat in on Austin Powers. In it, sat a girl in dark red robes, stroking the black cat that resided on her lap. Her face, however, was unseen, as it was overshadowed by the chair.

"Hello, students of Hogwarts," she replied evenly. Her voice, however smooth, was tainted by a hint of mischief. "I see you all have finally noticed my spell. What spell you ask? Well, have you wondered why the most ridiculous people have gotten together? In fact, I managed to get rid of your strongest ally, Albus Dumbledore, in this method. He and a house elf, mwahahahahahahahaha!!!" She burst out into maniacal laughter at her own evilnessness. When she had regained her composure, she continued, "However, all is not lost for you. You may pick your champions and send them to do battle with me. When ready, your chosen ones shall say, 'O send us, O Great One,' in unison, and I shall create a portal to send you on a quest, where they shall encounter others who wish to do battle with me. When all are gathered, we shall meet, and that is all I have to say. Oh, and choose wisely. I'd like a challenge." She burst into more maniacal laughter as the chair swiveled around. After that, the projection ended.

Professor McGonagall called for attention as all hell broke lose. When everyone had finally calmed down, she spoke. "Well, as you now know, we must decide who shall go right this wrong that has been set upon us. Of course Mr. Potter will go, whether he likes it or not, as he's the quote, unquote, 'hero' of the series. That and J.K. will do horrible things to us if he doesn't go. I suppose Miss. Granger and Mr. Weasley shall also accompany him, as they are the also quote, unquote, 'co-stars' in the movies and the books, but of course, we all know they're the less important sidekicks, Hermione being there to provide the under-appreciated brains, Ron to provide the comic relief, and together to provide the sexual tension."

At this, Ron and Hermione both stood up at the same time to protest these claims. "Hey!" they exclaimed in unison. "That is so not true!"

"Yes it is," the rest of the school boomed.

Ignoring the younger set, McGonagall continued, "Now is there anyone else who would like to join the three 'heroes'?"

There was some murmuring among the students until Ginny Weasley, Neville Longbottom, and Luna Lovegood stood up. "I suppose we all will go, as the world of fanfiction has now stereotypically put us three with the ff dubbed, 'Golden Trio' as the people who go on all the 'missions'. I, mainly because in fanfiction I'm the spunky, gung-ho girl who kicks butt," the youngest Weasley replied.

Everyone turned to Neville, as it was now time for him to make his speech. "Um," he started awkwardly, "I'm stuck going along because um, er, uh..." Neville stammered nervously as he thought of reason for his presence. "Um, I need to escape Parvati and Lavender?" Everyone continued to stare at Neville, for they all knew that that wasn't the correct reason.

"Trevor's mental health?"

"Try again," Professor McGonagall replied, bored.

"Uh," he started again. "GINNY BRIBED ME WITH CAULDRON CAKES!" he blurted out. Satisfied, the crowd all turned and looked expectantly at Luna, being the only one left.

"Snufflogs," she said simply. As this was typical Luna, she was questioned no further.

Professor McGonagall made to go sit down, before she remembered, "Oh, and whoever ravaged the curtains in the Gryffindor common room, pray that I don't find out who you are." She glared at the students of the Gryffindor table. "And I will find out."

Meanwhile, while plans for the journey were being made, Draco Malfoy was busy making some plans of his own. Plans of escape, to be exact.

"I have to escape," he muttered as he paced back and forth in his dorm. Normally, he would have been pacing in the Slytherin common room, but Pansy Parkinson and Colin Creevy making out tends to be a little distracting. Or a lot distracting. And it might have been Dennis Creevy- or both of them. Who knows, who cares. They were both the same to Draco. He peeked back into the common room and quickly regretted it. Parkinson and/the Creevy(s) were still going at it. Draco shook his head in disgust. Whatever, he thought tiredly.

The main reason he was holed up in his dorm was not only because of Lovegood lying in wait to snog him; he was desperate to escape all the madness that was going on in the school. "I have to go on that quest," he decided finally. "But how?" The main problem was that Lovegood was also going. It appeared that his only choice was to kidnap the girl and take her place. Polyjuice potion, perhaps? Well, as I am the potions wiz that they make me out to be in every stereotypical fanfic, this should be quite easy for me. He laughed evilly as he thought about his scheme. When he was through, he stalked off to put his plan into action, as much as he was thoroughly disgusted at what he'd have to do next.

"So is everybody here?" Harry asked as he and his friends double checked their stuff. After hearing the message, they had taken the rest of the week to prepare. It was going to be him, Hermione, Ron, Neville, Ginny, and Luna who would be going on the quest to undo the spell, as no one else had volunteered. Damn those new love interests.

"Luna's not," Hermione answered as she attempted to shove enough food to sustain mainland Europe for two life times in one backpack. Ok, so the backpack was enchanted, but still, that's a lot of food.

"Well where the heck is she?" Ron said irritably, as he had spent the last hour (or so it had seem) arguing with Hermione amount the overly large amount of food she was taking with them. "Well you better not ask me to carry any of your fifty zillion bags," he had told her in the end. "You packed them, so you can carry them!" Honestly, when are those two going to start dating? They act like an old married couple.

"I think I saw her go off with Malfoy," Ginny replied, looking up from her bag.

"Really?" Ron said, perking up. "Too bad I missed it; Malfoy always screams like a girl when Luna runs after him."

"Actually," Ginny replied, "I think Malfoy asked her to come with him."

"Are you sure?" Ron asked, disbelievingly. He wasn't the only one surprised, as the rest of the people in the room were looking at Ginny with that same astounded expression.

"Yep," Ginny reassured them. "I'm positive."

"You know something," Harry said as he shut his backpack, "I almost feel sorry for Malfoy."

"Yeah," Ron agreed. "But the keyword there is almost."

Everyone was finished packing and shouldering their packs when Luna came back, wearing a backpack of her own. "I'm back," she said dreamily, stating the obvious.

"What happened?" Hermione asked. She had somehow managed to put everything in one backpack, a feat Ron was still trying to figure out ("How the heck do you stuff a continent's worth of food, more clothes than Madam Malkim's would ever be able to produce, and so many books that it looks like you robbed Flourish and Blotts into ONE bag?!").

"Oh nothing. He got away," Luna sighed. No one questioned her any further.

"Are you all ready?" Professor McGonagall inquired as she entered the Room of Requirement, in which the six were finishing their packing.

"Yeah, I think so," Harry answered as he looked around checking. "Let's get this over with."

"What's going to happen?" Neville asked worriedly.

"No idea," Ron replied. "Let's do it."

"Do you remember what to say?" the professor asked, exhausted. It's very stressful dealing with hormone-induced teenagers on a day to day basis. It's even more stressful dealing with magically hormone-induced teenagers and adults. Those teachers could be quite the party animals. Who knew Professor Sprout could strip tease like that? And McGonagall refused to even think about Professor Flitwick. Now that really makes you wanna shudder.

"Yes," the teens said in unison.

"Everyone ready?" Harry asked his friends. They all nodded their assent.

"As ready as we'll ever be," Ginny replied with an uneasy breath.

"Ok, on the count of three," Harry started reluctantly. "1. 2. 3..."

"O send us, O Great One!" the six said with varying degrees of enthusiasm. There was a bright light and Hogwarts dissolved around them. Not unlike being transported by a portkey, they landed hard on the ground, falling into a heap. They looked up, realizing that they were on an island, and across the bay was a busy metropolis and a bridge clogged with traffic. Draco Malfoy, now in the form of Luna Lovegood, was the first to stand back up. He turned around and stopped, his mouth hanging open in astonishment.

What have I gotten myself into? was the only thought he could manage as he stood there, gaping at the giant T before him.