Sex in the Village

 
 
Hermione sighed and chewed on her quill. She had a column due for the Hogwarts’ student paper, The Hogwarts Howler, and was having a hard time finding a topic. It wasn't as if there wasn't always something interesting going on in the love lives of Hogwarts students and staff, but Hermione always wrote about more than mere gossip. She wanted to educate her audience as well as entertain. Sometimes it didn't always work that way...she cringed as she remembered her column about the private lives of house elves. It had seemed like a good idea at the time. Hermione threw her quill down in disgust. This wasn't helping - breakfast seemed like a smarter idea. She pulled on her robes and headed down to the great hall.
 
Already sitting at the Gryffindor table were her closest female friends – Lavender, Parvati and Ginny. "Hi guys!" she said as she took a plate. "How’s everything this morning?” The girls each greeted her in turn. It still amazed her how different they all were; yet they’d grown so close over the past few years.
 
There was Lavender – sweet and somehow still naive, despite the fact that she’d been dating Justin Finch-Fletchley nearly 2 years. The unicorns still gathered around her regularly, something the other girls couldn’t resist teasing her about.
 
Parvati was a different story. Practical and sarcastic, she’d had an on-again, off-again thing going with Fred Weasley for about a year. People often thought they’d gotten together because each was a twin, but it was more that they balanced each other well – Fred was a crackup, Parvati was serious. These differences were also the source of their frequent conflicts.
 
But Ginny… Ginny was just a force to be reckoned with. Her sheer wantonness had enthralled most of the guys in school at one time or another and rankled many of the girls. Some girls in Ravenclaw continued to put out the rumor that Ginny used love potions, but her friends knew better. Love was not what Ginny wanted. Hermione worried about the younger girl sometimes, wondering if this was a phase or not.
 
And then there was Hermione herself. She’d had her share of fun, beginning back with her international affair with Viktor Krum, and had dated Terry Boot from Ravenclaw for a while, but in the last few months she’d settled down to dating Ginny’s brother Ron. Of course, Ron had been one of her closest friends before she ever met Ginny. Hermione had never expected that she and Ron would become romantically involved, but somehow it seemed very right. Well, usually it did, anyway…
 
“Oh Herm, I’m so glad you came down!” Lavender exclaimed. “I really need to talk to you about something.”
 
“Okay,” Hermione replied, “I’m here – how can I help?”
 
“Well…” Lavender said, blushing, “I have a problem with Justin. I…he…when I give him oral pleasure, it…it just doesn’t taste very good, and I don’t know what to do!”
 
“Well,” Hermione began, when all of the sudden… *Spit* Ginny spat on the floor.
 
“MISS WEASLEY!!” Professor McGonagall exploded. “Five points from Gryffindor! What would your mother say if she saw you spitting?!”
 
Ginny hung her head in an apparent show of shame, but looked sideways and said under her breath:
 
"She'd probably say, 'Thank goddess your spitting out that Slytherin spunk!'"
 
"GINNY!" Lavender gasped. Hermione and Parvati giggled.
 
Lavender looked puzzled. "But...I thought boys got upset if you didn't swallow..."
 
Ginny hitched one leg up the bench she was sitting on, revealing that she was wearing a scarlet bustier and tap pants under her robes. “They only get upset if you don’t put out, but I guess Finch-Fletchley has learned to deal with that, so not swallowing should hardly phase him at this point.”
 
“Honestly, Ginny!” Lavender said with exasperation. “You’d think that sex was all that mattered to you. Justin and I love each other, and we want to wait ‘til we’re married, and there’s nothing wrong with that!”
 
Ginny was about to retort when Parvati interrupted, “Now what was that about a Slytherin you’re spitting out? Which one?”
 
Ginny smirked. “Guess.”
 
Hermione groaned. “Please…don’t tell me…not…”
 
“Ohhh yes,” Ginny replied. “The Silver-Haired Devil Himself.”
 
Parvati raised an eyebrow. “Don’t you mean silver-TONGUED devil?”
 
Ginny looked down at her scarlet fingernails and smiled. “Well, that too…”
 
“Eyeeeew…I did NOT want to think this sort of thing about Draco Malfoy!” Hermione cried.
 
“Oh come off it, Herm…you can’t possibly say he isn’t gorgeous,” Parvati said.
 
“Good looks do not equal worth shagging,” Hermione countered. “Think of all the nasty things he’s said and done to me, to your brother, to Harry…”
 
“Don’t EVEN get me started on…well, guess who?” Ginny looked up at someone behind Hermione.
 
“Hermione!” It was Harry. “I really need to talk to you!”
 
“Apparently everyone does today…and I still need to write my column!” Hermione said, turning to Harry. “What’s the problem?”
 
“Not HERE,” Harry hissed. “In private!”
 
Hermione sighed. “Well girls, duty calls – I’ll see you at lunch or dinner most likely.”
 
“Wait!” Lavender cried. “What about my problem?”
 
“Just talk to Justin, Lavender – talking is always the best solution,” Hermione called over her shoulder as she left the Great Hall with Harry.
 
Hermione and Harry walked in silence back to the Gryffindor tower. When they reached the portrait of the fat lady, Hermione absently said “Hey sexy fat slut, open up.” The fat lady winked at her and then opened the portrait. They then climbed into the common room, which was currently deserted.
 
“Okay Harry,” Hermione said, settling into a cushioned chair. “Tell me what’s so urgent.”
 
“It’s Seamus!” Harry said, pacing in front of the fireplace. “Someone’s cursed him! He…” Harry gulped. “He can’t bear my touch!”
 
When Harry Potter came out at Hogwarts, it was a huge scandal. There were plenty of gay and bisexual students, but no one had expected The Boy Who Lived to turn into The Boy Who Liked to Suck Other Boys. Girls at all grade levels were known to cry themselves to sleep for a time, while certain boys were having wonderful daydreams. Harry had dated a couple of different guys, but somehow Hermione had always known that he and Seamus would end up together.
 
Hermione stared at Harry. “What do you mean? What happens if you try to touch him?”
 
Harry looked at his hands. “I went up to kiss him this morning, and he got this look of … fear on his face! So I reached out and touched him, just laid a hand on his shoulder, and he yelped in pain. We talked and experimented a bit and determined that I couldn’t touch him in any way without him experiencing pain!”
 
“That’s simply unbelievable,” Hermione mused. “Who would want to do such a thing?”
 
“Voldemort, of course,” Harry replied bitterly. “That psycho creepoid just can’t let me have any fun.”
 
“Harry…He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is not ALWAYS the source of your problems! I keep telling you that you need face up to the fact that simply blaming him will not solve anything…”
 
“Hermione, who else would do this? I know you think I always jump to him being behind anything that goes wrong, but you know that ever since I beat him for Best Butt at the Hogsmeade Pride Festival last year he’s been even more evil than usual.”
 
Hermione, who had never looked at Voldemort’s butt and didn’t want to, shook her head. “It’s certainly possible, but let me do some research. Maybe we can find a way to reverse the curse. But what are you going to do about Seamus in the meantime?”
 
Harry sighed and wrung his hands. “I don’t know…I really don’t know.”
 
Hermione went up to her dorm, finally sat down and grabbed her quill and parchment. She knew that she needed to get to the library, but she had to write the column and owl it over to the paper first. She couldn’t help but wonder as she wrote…