Harry Potter and the No Slash Fanfic

Harry Potter and the No Slash Fanfic / June

Draco was sitting in a room. The room was spinning. Draco was sitting in a spinning room. He looked at the walls; they were all covered in mayonnaise for some unknown reason. He took a sip out of the bottle in his hand, and started grinning devilishly.

"One day I shall rule the world! Mwahahahaha!" he said, and then passed out on the floor.

~*~*~*~*~*~

In an entirely different room, called The Library, were the Gryffindor trio - Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. They were very much unaware of the Draco sitting in an entirely different room that wasn't The Library, as they were taking part in the Not At All Boring activity of searching through books.

Harry was holding a pile of books, amongst them: How To Save The World In 16 Easy Steps; Slaying Dragons: A User's Guide; Saving Damsels in Distress - When Worst Comes to Worst, and of course, the all time Best Seller - What To Do When An Evil Dark Overlord Has Killed Everyone You Ever Loved?

"Hermione," Harry said in a tired tone. "Don't you think we've researched enough for one night?"

"No, Harry!" said Hemione. "You've got to save the world! Kill Voldemort! Save Ginny! So much to do, so much to do..."

"Um, Hermione," Harry said sheepishly. "Ginny is right here!" he pointed at the redheaded girl who was curled up in a ball at the corner of The Library.

"Well, don't mind her, we'll find someone else to save!" Hermione said enthusiastically, dragging Harry and Ron to a nearby table. She drew a few scrolls out of her school bag and unfurled them. "I made diagrams," she said conversationally.

Harry looked at the diagrams - one of them showed him, Harry, pointing his wand at Voldemort, and yelling "Avada Kedabra!" In the other diagram appeared Luna Lovegood, standing in front of a dragon and screaming 'Help! Somebody save me!' Hearing that, a small Harry figure came with a fork and killed the dragon. Then Luna was saying 'Harry, you're my hero!' After which, Harry and Luna were kissing. Harry would have to have a very serious talk with Hermione, but not right now.

"Um," he said, looking at Ron who gave him an encouraging nod. "'Mione, don't you think you're exaggerating, just a little bit?" Harry said, uncertainly.

"Exaggerating?! I am not exaggerating! We have a world to save!"

"Err, ok."

~*~*~*~*~*~

In the meanwhile, at an Unknown Place, stood Lord Voldemort facing his Death Eaters.

"Death Eaters," he looked at all of them. "I have great news! Tonight, after fifty years of endeavor, we have finally accomplished what we were all longing for. Tonight, I am proud to introduce you all to-"

He turned up a switch. A neon light flashed, then flickered, and then died.

"Darn."

~*~*~*~*~*~

The room where Draco was lying on the floor staring at the ceiling was silent, except for Draco's continuous mumble -

"...and then, when I rule the world and everyone worships me, I'd kill little bunnies, and then I shall demolish Harry Potter. And then I'll have everything blue colored in orange, just because I can!"

Draco laughed evilly for five minuets.

"But I wonder where can I get pink speckled zebras," he looked around questioningly.

~*~*~*~*~*~

"And finally," Hermione said, after making Ron and Harry listen to her plans of saving the world for a long hour (although the world didn't need saving at the moment, thank you very much), "my last plan is to use this deodorant, this ketchup bottle, and this wire," - she pointed the items standing on the table - "in order to penetrate Voldemort's headquarters. Then we'll defeat him, using only this pair of underpants, and a candlestick."

Ron gave Hermione a funny look, and then sighed deeply. "That was great, Hermione!" he said. "Now, can I finally go to sleep?"

A couple of potatoes, a toothbrush, a ketchup bottle, a snow glob, a bunny, a hair gel container, deodorant, three cigarettes, some fudge, a pair of underpants, a bottle of red nail polish, a wire, a candlestick, a newspaper, some wool, two hippogriff eggs, a doorknob, a golf ball and a cork, were all gathered on the table. All these items played a significant role in Hermione's plans to defeat Lord Voldemort.

'A very, very long, and very serious talk with Hermione,' Harry thought to himself.

"No!" Hermione cried. "We still have to go through every detail of every plan. The night is still young, Ron!"

"Well," said Ron, trying to figure out a way to Get Out Of There. "I'll go and find some more useful books." He rose to his feet and disappeared among the aisles.

He drew out a random book, and opened it.

"Leave me alone you ugly freckle-face!" the book shouted. "You little twit, you! You smell like hippogriff poo! Your mother eats flubberworms! Your father looks like a dragon's behind! Your face looks like a plank full of nails! You cowered dragon puss! You--"

Ron shut the book, and examined the cover - The Book That Insults You Whenever You Open It. 'Typical,' he thought, throwing the book away. He picked out another book, titled: Easy Spells To Work Out Your Problems, When Your Best Friend Is A World-Saving Hero, And You Feel Like You're Living In His Shadow, And You're In Love With Your Other Best Friend And Don't Know How To Tell Her.

'That looks nice,' he thought, 'and oddly specific...'

~*~*~*~*~*~

Back in the Unknown Place:

"Let's try that again," said Voldemort and turned up the switch once more. The neon light flashed again, and surprisingly, remained lit. It said: Voldie's Karaoke-Bar and Turtle-Soup-Restaurant.

The Death Eaters cheered.

"Hush! Hush Death Eaters!" Voldemort said. "We have now accomplished our long-sought goal, and opened a Karaoke-Bar and Turtle-Soup-Restaurant! We can stop killing Muggles and small furry animals, and devote our life to the Karaoke-Bar and Turtle-Soup-Restaurant Business." A tear trickled down Voldemort's cheek, and he mumbled; "Now I can die happy."

Voldemort and his Death Eaters entered the Bar-Restaurant. A giant Disco Ball was hanging from the ceiling, paintings of the Dark Marks decorating the walls. Red, heart-shaped cushions, adorned the seats. Music started to play and Lucius Malfoy climbed up the stage and began to sing -

"I've got the power!

I've got the power!

Like the crack of the whip I snap attack

Front to back in this thing called rap

Dig it like a shovel rhyme devil

On a heavenly level

Bang the bass turn up the treble." *

*(Snap - The Power)

~*~*~*~*~*~

In the darkest corners of the universe, hidden in the deepest shadows, in a land beyond the boundaries of time and space, stood the Grim Reaper. He was standing in front of a mirror, staring at his reflection. A small kitten was curled against his foot. It purred.

YES, I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT MEETING TONIGHT, told Death to the cat.

"Mew?" said the cat.

Death straightened what would have been his eyebrows - if he had any - with a bony finger, and then petted the cat.

I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Draco was still in the same room where we left him. He hadn't done anything highly interesting at the time we didn't see him, because if he had done anything, we would have seen him do it. (That's right.). The room wasn't spinning anymore, but Draco was. He was standing in the middle of the room, spinning, and making noises that sounded like a watermelon screaming, but actually was a drunken laughter.

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" he screamed. Draco laughed so hard that he fell to the floor, but even then, he kept laughing.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Harry and Ron had finally managed to convince Hermione she should drop the nonsense for the night and let them go to sleep. They were passing through a corridor when they heard the most terrifying voice.

"Is that a watermelon screaming?" asked Ron frantically.

They ran toward the source of the sound, opened the door, and saw--

"Malfoy?!" asked Ron, astounded. "What in the name of Merlin are you doing?"

"Fiiiiiiiiiiirewhisky?" offered Draco with a smile, lifting a bottle to show to the trio. He was down on the floor again, and staring at the ceiling.

"Malfoy," Harry voice was slow and moderated, as if he was speaking to a retarded person. "Why are you staring at the ceiling?"

"'Cause," said Draco, as if explaining the obvious, "I'm trying to understand why there are House Elves dangling from the ceiling."

"Malfoy, you're drunk!" Harry said, raising his gaze to look at the ceiling. "There are no House Elves dangling from the ceiling!"

"Yes there are," Draco said. "They're right there!" he pointed.

"Those are Animal Shaped Balloons," said Hermione knowingly.

"Yes," agreed Ron.

"Nooooo...." said Draco, smiling stupidly. "Why would there be Animal Shaped Balloons dangling from the ceiling?"

"I dunno," answered Ron. "Is it your birthday?"

"I don' ting... ting--thing. I don't thing so!" Draco said.

"Malfoy, gimmi the bottle," said Harry.

"Wha'?!"

"Gimmi the bottle."

"No Potter, get your own bottle, this one is mine!"

"You're drunk, Malfoy, you should stop drinking that Firewhisky. Tomorrow you'll have a serious hangover."

"No."

"Okay, be a child! Have it your way..."

"I am Draco Malfoy, The Decapitated Chicken!"

~*~*~*~*~*~

Death straightened his cloak. the shinning pinpoints of blue fire in the depths of his eye sockets, which were what you could call eyes, scanned his reflection once more, and grabbed his best scythe. He moved towards the door, only stopping to pet the kitten once more, then he disappeared through the it.

"Mew?"

~*~*~*~*~*~

Voldemort looked around him with satisfaction. The Karaoke-Bar and Turtle-Soup-Restaurant was flooded with customers already. They were all drinking, singing, and eating Turtle-Soup.

"Ah," he sighed. "This is the life!"

Then, all of a sudden, Voldemort heard his favorite song playing, he ran to the stage and grabbed the microphone-

"Baby look at me

And tell me, what do you see?

You ain't seen the best of me yet

Give me time I'll make you forget the rest

I got more in me

And you can set it free

I can catch the moon in my hands

Don't you know who I am?

Remember my name

Fame

I'm gonna live forever

I'm gonna learn how to fly

High

I feel it coming together

People will see me and die

Fame

I'm gonna make it to heaven (or to hell)

Light up the sky like a flame

Fame

I'm gonna live forever

Baby remember my name" *

*(Theme song of "Fame")

And the crowd went nuts.

~*~*~*~*~*~

A wild feline-frog has suddenly hopped into the room where Draco and the trio were seating, interrupting a heated argument: who would win in a match- Dumbledore or Superman?

"Ohhh!" Draco cried, sipping from his bottle of firewhiskey. "Look at the cute froggy! Come here buddy. That's right, here." The feline-frog jumped onto Malfoy's lap. Hermione shrieked and looked revolted.

"Eww!" she said. "Repulsive!"

Draco petted the little creature, when all of a sudden they heard another shriek. "Ouch!" Draco yelled. "It bit me! The little bugger bit my finger! I'm going to die now! I'll lose a lot of blood, and then my finger will fall off, and it will be all greenish and eeky! Do something!" he shouted at Harry.

Harry looked at the frog that was now escaping through the doorway, and ran after it.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Death looked around him. He could smell Turtle-Soup. He walked through the crowed until he reached the person who stood behind the bar wrapped in a black cloak, white faced and red eyed.

"You," said Voldemort.

ME.

"What is it that you want?"

RIGHT NOW, I WOULD LIKE 'SEX ON THE BEACH', LATER I WILL COLLECT WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY MINE.

"You can't collect my soul," said Voldemort calmly, pouring Death Sex On The Beach. "A. Because I don't have a soul, and B. Because I'm not dead, and I never will be!" he stuck out his tongue and made a raspberry noise. "Enjoy your Sex On The Beach."

~*~*~*~*~*~

Harry ran after the frog and captured it with a fork.

"Reeeeeeeeeee!" the frog squeaked, and then died slowly and painfully.

Harry was about to return to the room when he noticed that he was nowhere near the room. He was actually ten thousand miles away from the room.

"Froggy, I think we're not in Hogwarts anymore," he said, and stepped into the place in front of which he was standing - Voldie's Karaoke-Bar and Turtle-Soup-Restaurant.

Inside the Bar-Restaurant he saw many people, served by a bunch of Death Eaters. 'My God,' Harry thought, walking towards the Bar.

"Bartender, give me a Bloody Marry," he said. The Bartender, who was engaged in conversation with a tall, thin guy with a cloak, looked at Harry.

"Voldemort!" he shrieked. "OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod!!"

Harry pulled out everything he could find in his pockets, which was - gum, a candlestick, fudge, and a pair of underpants. And he still held the forked feline-frog in his hand. Thinking really fast, he stabbed Voldemort's hand with the fork, making Voldemort Scream Like A Schoolgirl. Then he force-fed him the underpants, smothered fudge all over his face, hit him hard on the face with the candlestick, and chewed the gum.

"Ouch!" said Voldemort, feeling his nose. "I think you just broke my nose, you stupid git!"

"Oh, shut up already," said Harry, and threw the frog on him.

"Oh no!" said Voldie. "Not the frog!! Nooooo!"

YES! said Death, YOU'RE FINALLY MINE!

"No I can't die! I can't!"

YOU WERE JUST POSTPONING THE INEVITABLE.

"Noooooo!"

Death swished his scythe through Voldemort's neck, and disappeared with his non-soul.

"Harry! Harry!" cried Hermione from behind. Harry turned around and saw her, Ron, and Malfoy coming from the dance floor. Hermione hugged him tightly. "You finally did it! You Defeted Voldemort! You Saved The Day! You even killed the stupid frog! And I would have never thought of using gum, a candlestick, fudge, a pair of underpants, a fork, and a frog!"

"Err, sure."

"You're my hero!"

"Right."

Somebody in the background was singing in the Karaoke -

"Hey I saved the world today

And everybody's happy now

The bad thing's gone away..."*

*(Eurythmics - I Saved The World Today)

And so ends our lovely story about a lot of crazy people.

~The End~