Circles of Influence

Chapter 4

Saturday 25th Oct cont.

They ate together in Draco's room, silently.

It wasn't an uncomfortable silence but it wasn't an easy one either. Neither expected the other to talk, both wished that they could.

Draco watched Harry as they picked at their food. Finally he said, "You've lost weight, you need to eat more."

Harry looked up at him and then down at himself. "I know," he said simply. "So have you."

Draco nodded, they both stared at their plates.

"I got a letter," said Harry eventually in a voice that made Draco take notice.

"From?"

"Voldemort."

Draco stared at him, his breath catching.

"He thought I might be interested in joining him."

Draco's jaw dropped.

Harry nodded with a grim smile. "I know." It was strange how it felt like they were chatting about the neighbourhood gossip over tea the way his Aunt Petunia did. Made him want to jump up on his seat and scream until his voice gave out.

Draco shook himself out of his amazement. "He's completely insane," he said. "Have you told Dumbledore?"

"No, not yet. I only got the letter yesterd... no, Thursday and I've been... distracted."

Draco made a face. "I noticed." He thought about last night a little then finally asked, "Are you going to go to Madame Pomfrey and let her check your leg?"

Harry looked down at his leg, the bandages hidden by his robes. "Should I? Is it... that bad?"

"I don't know, I don't think so. It didn't look deep enough to scar. Was it.... was it supposed to?" his voice broke a little and he tried to cover it with a cough.

Harry squeezed his eyes shut against the sadness that ran through him. "No," he whispered. "I wasn't trying to leave a mark, I was just... wallowing." He looked up. "I'm sorry."

Draco didn't meet his eyes, just shook his head and tried to compose himself again. "Don't be," he said shortly. "You were drunk."

Harry knew he could take that excuse and Draco would let him and he nearly did but... "That's not an excuse, I got drunk on purpose so that I could do it. It was... I don't know what to say, Draco. I don't know how to explain, how to apologise... I took something that you were forced to do just to stay sane and I..."

"You used it to feed your own self-pity," Draco completed harshly.

Harry blinked at the anger that was obviously still felt. "I... I'm sorry."

Draco looked away. "I still don't understand why it all went so wrong," he said. "I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, I don't know how to avoid it going wrong again if I don't understand why it did the first time. I don't want to have to tiptoe around you."

"Then don't."

"You left before, what's to stop you doing it again?"

"This is you walking on eggshells?" Harry tried to lighten the mood.

"You have no idea what I'm holding back, there's a part of me that could beat the living daylights out of you for what you've put me through in the past two weeks."

Harry frowned into his plate. "If you're so angry why do you want me back?"

"I don't want you back, Harry..."

Harry looked up in shock.

"I need you back. There's a difference."

Harry's gaze was intense. "Why?"

"Why is there a difference or why do I need you?" Draco stalled.

"Why do you need me? You lived for 15 years without me just fine."

Draco shrugged, obviously uncomfortable at exposing himself further. "I didn't know what I was missing."

"Draco..."

"I don't know why," he protested. "I just do. I don't feel... safe, without you. It's silly... weak, but there it is."

Harry looked worried. "I can't always protect you."

"You don't need to, as long as you're around I think I can protect myself... just not from you." Draco looked sad and he continued softly, "I never thought that I'd need to protect myself from you, not anymore."

"I left so you wouldn't get hurt," Harry pointed out.

"The only thing that hurt me was you leaving," Draco retorted.

Harry's face fell. "I'm sorry."

"Good," Draco stated firmly.

Harry sighed and tried not to gag on a piece of brocoli. He really wasn't hungry, he was still too tightly wound to eat. He decided to change the subject. "What am I going to say to McGonagall?"

"Tell her whatever you want, but sleep with me tonight. Here."

Harry tightened his grip on his cutlery. "We can't..."

"Yes, we can," Draco told him firmly. "We always managed before."

"People will be watching now, people know now," Harry tried to explain.

Draco swallowed and when he spoke his voice was ragged. "Please, Harry."

Something inside Harry twisted in knots. "I... you said we didn't have to do anything I didn't want..."

"Just to sleep, not to do anything else."

Harry sighed in defeat. "I'll try."

"I'll be waiting for you, if you don't show up by ten I'll come and find you," Draco threatened.

"No you won't!" Harry said in alarm. "You can't go wandering around the castle at night, it's not safe for you."

"Then you better not stand me up," said Draco smugly.

Harry sighed in resignation but at the same time the last thing he wanted was to spend the night alone. "I'll be here."

------------

Harry stood outside Professor McGonagall's office in the midst of a slowly rising panic attack. Draco had gone to meet with Professor Snape and do whatever it was they did together. He was supposed to talk to Professor McGonagall but none of the possible subjects struck him as safe... being out of his bed and in someone else's, the vodka, the knife, Draco... this was not going to go well. He knocked very quietly, half hoping that she wouldn't hear him and then he could say that he had knocked and no-one had answered and...

"Come in."

Damn. Harry went in and was shocked to find not only Professor McGonagall but another familiar figure. "Sirius!"

"Harry," his godfather said gravely. "I was worried about you when you didn't answer my letter and I decided that it was worth coming to the school for a few days."

Harry mouthed silently as his cheeks flushed red. What was he supposed to say? "I'm... I'm fine, really. I got a little... caught up in things but I'm okay now."

Sirius frowned and turned around to look at the table.

Harry followed his gaze and swallowed hard when he saw the bottle of vodka and the knife he had left on his bed sitting on McGonagall's desk.

"There was blood on your sheets, Harry," said Professor McGonagall.

"It was an accident," Harry blurted. "I cut myself, but it's fine."

"Alcohol is strictly prohibited," she continued. "I could suspend you for even having it, never mind drinking it."

Harry went white as a sheet.

"Hold on," said Sirius. "Could you give us a minute, Professor?"

McGonagall pursed her lips and nodded sharply. "I will be back in half an hour," she said and left them alone.

Sirius motioned to Harry to sit down but Harry ignored it. "Am I suspended?" he asked raggedly. "Where would I go? Back to the Dursleys? What about the OWLs?"

"You're not suspended, Harry," Sirius reassured him. "Please just sit down, we need to talk about all this."

"I'm sorry... I'm really sorry. It was all a mistake, I swear. I'll never drink again."

"Harry! Sit down."

Harry sat down.

"I'm not here to shout at you, I'm here to help you. I can't pretend to understand exactly what's going on but you're obviously having problems. I just wish..."

"I'm not gay!" Harry blurted out, sure that was what Sirius was referring to. "I mean, I don't have to be. I can be normal, I just got confused..."

"Harry, no that's not..." Sirius stopped as he digested Harry's words. "There's nothing wrong with being gay, Harry. You don't have to try not to be."

"But I can do it, I really can. I told Draco I didn't want us to... we can be just friends. It was a mistake, things got out of control. I didn't mean it to go so far."

"Harry, you're babbling," Sirius stood up and put his hands on Harry's shoulders, looking down at him. "Calm down. I don't care if you're gay or not, all I care about is that you're happy and that you're safe. We need to get your head sorted out so that there's no more disappearing in the middle of the night leaving knives and bloodstains lying around and scaring your friends half to death."

Harry stared up at him silently.

"Just tell me the truth, not what you want to be true or what you think I want to be true, the truth. Harry, are you gay?"

Harry stared up at him, his hands shaking in his lap. "I thought you said you didn't care."

"I don't... but I need to know or I can't help you. You have to be honest with yourself and with me. Please, Harry. It'll make everything so much simpler, so much easier, if you just say it."

All Harry could think was, //He wants me to say no. That would make it simpler, that would make it easier.// "I..."

Sirius could sense his lie coming. "Don't say no if you're not sure, Harry. Don't say no unless you really mean it, don't lie to me. If you're not sure then say that. Don't be afraid of this. It's okay."

"It's not okay!" shouted Harry. "If it was okay it wouldn't be such a big deal."

"You're making it a big deal," Sirius retorted. "Can't you see that? You're the one that's doing this, you're the one that's hurting yourself! If it was someone else I'd know how to stop it but I don't know how to fix this! Please, help me fix this, Harry. I haven't had fifteen years of bringing you up to know how to deal with this and maybe if I'd been there you wouldn't be such a mess right now but I wasn't and I'm sorry. Please, Harry... just bloody say it and then I can tell you that it doesn't matter."

"You don't want me to say it. You don't want it to be true," Harry accused him.

Anger flared in Sirius' eyes but he held it back. "You don't want it to be true," he told Harry. "You don't want to say it, but it is true. I just don't understand why you're so afraid of it. You've faced Voldemort, Harry. Why is this so hard for you?"

"Because all I had to do to face Voldemort was the right thing, this isn't the right thing. It's wrong and you can pretend you don't mind but you do. You feel guilty because you weren't there to bring me up and now look what's happened. You're stuck with your dead best friends messed up, gay son and maybe if you'd done something different you could have brought me up the way my parents would have wanted and I wouldn't be like this. I wouldn't be a sick freak who has underage sex in his best friends bathroom and then gets caught and let's his boyfriend take the blame."

Sirius stared at him in shock trying to process everything Harry had thrown at him. "You had sex with Ron?" he said before he could tell his mouth not to speak yet.

"What?" said Harry, nonplussed.

"I didn't mean... I mean..."

"I never had sex with Ron."

"But... you said... who did you have sex with?"

"I thought Ron told you," Harry said. "In his letter. I thought he told you what happened."

"All he said was that you were seeing a boy and that Ron's Mum found out and you broke it off. I thought he meant himself but he was too embarassed to say it."

"I'm not seeing Ron," he said incredulously.

"But you are seeing someone... a boy..."

"Yes... no! I mean, I was... but I broke it off. Except I think we sort of got back together this morning... I don't know."

"And you had sex with him?"

Harry was a vivid shade of red. "I thought you already knew," he mumbled in complete humiliation. "I thought Ron told you."

Sirius sat down in shock. "I don't know what to say."

Harry felt like crying. Sirius hadn't known and now he'd ruined everything by blurting it out. "I'm sorry," he said bleakly. "I'm really sorry."

"What? No, no you don't have to be sorry. I'm just... I had no idea. It's not like I didn't lose my virginity when I was your age, actually I was younger."

"You were?"

"Summer holidays between fourth and fifth year," Sirius answered distractedly. "Bit of a disaster really, didn't have the faintest idea what I was doing. I got the hang of it eventually though."

"It was with a girl though," Harry pointed out, as if that made all the difference.

"Well, yes. But... I don't know if I'm supposed to tell you this but maybe it'll help. I hope so. I'm not gay but... I did a little experimenting when I was younger. It was fun at the time but I decided it wasn't for me."

"You... had sex with men?"

Sirius blushed too. "A few times, in my late teens after I left Hogwarts. It was just a phase for me but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it. It wouldn't have bothered me if I had been gay, it just turned out that I wasn't."

"Did my Mum and Dad know about it?"

Sirius frowned, trying to figure out where the question was coming from. "I think so, I know your Mum knew. She probably told your Dad. Lily put up with a lot of heart-felt angsting and moaning from me back then, she was a good friend."

"Do you think..."

"What?"

"If I was... do you think they would be... disappointed?"

"Oh, Harry. Of course not." Sirius got up and crouched beside Harry's chair. "Your parents would have loved you completely and been proud of you no matter what. I have absolutely no doubt of that."

Suddenly the door opened and Professor McGonagall strode in with Hermione right behind her, they both looked pale and worried.

"Harry," said Hermione. "It's Draco..."

------------

Draco knocked lightly on the door and went in without waiting to be invited. Professor Snape was sitting behind his desk and he looked up with a slightly less friendly expression than usual.

"Professor," said Draco cautiously. "I'm sorry I missed our appointment this morning."

"Somehow I doubt that," said Snape dryly. "Have a nice sleep?"

"Ah, yes, thanks." Draco sat down. "I... um..."

"Oh, don't clam up on me now, Draco," Snape sighed. "I'm not angry with you. Appalled at your singular lack of taste perhaps, but you already knew that."

Draco gave a half-smile. "I'd be worried if you felt otherwise," he told the older man. "Is Professor McGonagall going to be okay with Harry?"

"I have explained the situation to her, she is not particularily pleased that her students are running around sleeping in each others beds but she will do her best not to send Potter into yet another teenage strop."

Draco gave Snape a look at his denigration of Harry's near suicidal depression. "It was a little more than a teenage strop."

Snape shrugged. "Isn't it like Potter to always take things that one step further. So, do you want to tell me what happened last night?"

Draco sighed. "I suppose so, Harry would kill me if he knew how much I'd told you already."

"What Potter doesn't know can't hurt him, in this case at least. What he doesn't know about Potions is going to lead to some real trauma when he sits his OWLs I'm sure."

Draco did his best to ignore Snape's usual low opinion of his boyfriend. "Well, we're back together... I think..."

"You think?"

"He's got this idea in his head that we were going too fast before and that it was his fault, I think he thinks he's corrupting me or leading me astray or something."

"He may have a point," Snape interjected.

"He does not have a point, I was perfectly happy with how fast we were going and I was a more than willing participant in any corrupting that was going on."

Snape made a face at the concept of Draco and Harry doing any corrupting of one another. "I think most people would agree that fifteen is a little young for the things you were doing."

Draco blushed a little, fuming silently at the fact he was blushing.

"If Potter's emotional state were as ready as his body obviously was he wouldn't have had a nervous breakdown within hours of... consummating your relationship."

"That was Mrs Weasley's fault!" Draco protested.

"He wasn't ready, Draco."

"It was his idea!"

"Calm down, I am not trying to blame you. I am simply stating an obvious fact. If Potter had been ready for such a physical relationship he would have been able to cope with Mrs Weasley's disapproval. That he couldn't simply proves my point. It wouldn't be the first time he's bitten off more than he could chew." A horrified look crossed Snape's face as he realised the double entendre in what he'd said. "I mean... he's prone to taking on more than he can handle." He looked as if he'd swallowed something extremely unpleasant as he realised that could be taken the wrong way too.

Draco found an uncharacteristic giggle trying to get out.

"That's it, I have had enough of discussing your perverse sex life," Snape growled in irritation. "You're going to have to talk to Potter about it from now on. I am here strictly for non-sex related problems."

It was too much, Draco burst into laughter.

"Oh, shut up," Snape muttered. "Teenagers!"

"I'm sorry," Draco gasped. He was remembering Snape's face when he first told him about what was going on. He had been too upset to find it funny at the time but now...

-------------------------

Flashback (Sun 12th Oct)

As he'd grown closer and closer to school his concern at what Mrs Weasley might do had also grown. Draco raced down the stairs to the dungeons at high speed and threw himself into Snape's office without knocking.

Snape looked up in surprise. "Mr Malfoy, I thought you were spending another night with the Weasley's." He looked over the panting boy with concern. "Is there something wrong?"

Draco caught his breath enough to get some words out. "I need your help. Mrs Weasley... I..."

"Yes?"

"I think I need to tell you something first."

"Is this about your father?"

"No, no... nothing to do with that. It's about Harry."

"Potter?"

"And me."

"Well, what about you and Potter. I do wish you would get to the point, Draco."

"The point is, Potter and I... I mean Harry and I... we... he's..."

"Yes?"

"My boyfriend," said Draco finally.

Snape simply stared at him. Finally he said, "Potter's gay?"

"Er... yes."

"And you're..."

"Yes."

"With him?"

"Yes."

"But... why?" Snape looked stricken.

"What?"

"Of all the people you could have picked... Potter? He's a Gryffindor!" Snape spluttered.

"Who would you rather I dated," Draco retorted in irritation. "Crabbe? I didn't come here to get your opinion on his suitability, I came here because I need your help."

---------------

Snape had pulled himself together a bit after that but he'd never quite gotten over the fact that Draco was dating Harry of all people, Snape's third least favourite person in the whole world (Voldemort and Sirius Black still held the top two spots on that list).

Snape pulled the conversation back on track. "I might also point out that I don't think this relationship is very healthy for you either."

"What?" said Draco, shaken out of his reminiscence.

"The last two weeks have proven that you are relying too much on Potter. You need to be able to hold yourself together without him there to prop you up. It's not healthy. You're taking Psychology this year aren't you, maybe you should look up co-dependancy."

"I know what it means," Draco said haughtily.

"Then you know I'm right. Potter can't fix your problems for you."

"Doesn't mean I can't fix them and see him at the same time."

"As long as you're pointing all your attention at him, you're avoiding dealing with yourself. You need to get used to all the things in your life that have changed before you try and take on another person and his issues and I think it's blatantly obvious that Potter has more than his share of issues."

"You're right," said Draco. "I think I will start talking to Harry instead of you. It's bad enough having to persuade him we can make this work without listening to you tell me why it can't as well." He stood up and the nagging feeling that Snape may be right pushed him to say, "Just because you don't like him doesn't mean he's wrong for me, why don't you just get over it." Then he left before Snape could reply.

He stalked down the corridors back to his room muttering to himself in irritation and wondering how Harry was doing with McGonagall. She better not screw this up for them. He almost didn't see the two large figures that darted out of the shadows towards him.

--------------

Harry stuck his head around the door to the hospital wing, almost afraid of what he might find. He knew Draco was all right, the first words out of Hermione's mouth had been "he's fine" but still... what if he hadn't been? What if... it didn't bear thinking about.

Draco was sitting on the edge of one of the hospital beds, he was still wearing his school robes but his face was a mess. His hair was stained with blood and one eye was swollen shut. He spotted Harry with the one he could still see out of. "Harry!"

Harry walked over slowly, trying to hold himself together when his body seemed determined to shake itself to pieces. "How are you feeling?"

"Not so bad, you should see the other guys," Draco quipped.

Harry's mood refused to lighten. "Where are they?"

Now a dark look did pass over Draco's forced cheerfulness and he glanced across the room. "There," he said indicating two curtained off beds.

"In here! After what they did?"

"Dumbledore took their wands and they're restrained," Draco said, but it was obvious their presence bothered him.

Harry stared a moment and then couldn't help himself, he stalked over and drew back the curtains on the first bed. The boy lying there was unconscious but unmarked, a seventh year Hufflepuff that Harry didn't really know. He drew back the other curtain and was faced with the steely glare of Martin Stein, another seventh year and a member of Slytherin House. The older boy tugged at his restraints ineffectually and his glare faded as he took in the angry expression on Harry's face. He sported a broken nose and a split lip.

Harry stepped forward and shoved up the sleeve of Stein's robes, nothing, he wasn't a Death Eater. "Why?" he demanded.

Stein pulled himself together a bit and managed a faint sneer. "Fuck off, Potter."

Harry was about to do something Stein would regret when Draco called out, "Leave it, Harry. Dumbledore will deal with them."

Harry spun around to face Draco. "I wasn't going to do anything," he lied.

"Close the curtains," said Draco. "I don't want to look at them."

Harry gave Stein a last glare and pulled the curtains back into place. Walking back to Draco he asked, "Are you going to have to stay here long?"

"I don't think so, Madame Pomfrey went to get something to fix me up."

"What happened anyway? It looks like you walked into a wall."

"Actually that's about right. I got my wand out in time and stunned Beadleman but Stein grabbed my arms from behind and ran me head first into the wall. Luckily I have a very hard head."

"You seem to be taking this pretty lightly."

Draco shrugged. "I'm not over the moon about it but I'll take a proper fight over being poisoned any day. Besides, I won. In case you hadn't noticed they were both bigger and older than me. I'm feeling rather smug about it actually."

Harry grimaced. "How exactly did you win?"

"Smashed his face in with the back of my head, that got him to let go fast enough," explained Draco proudly. "Then I elbowed him in the kidneys, turned around and kicked him in the balls."

"I think the adrenaline has gone to your head," Harry noted.

"Aren't you proud of me?" Draco complained. "I've never been in a proper fight in my life before."

"Aside from that time you nearly broke Ron's nose in first year."

"I did not!"

"You did too, at the Quidditch match that Snape was refereeing."

"Oh that, I never expected Weasley to actually attack me. I kept Crabbe and Goyle around to stop that sort of thing happening. I accidentally caught him in the face with my elbow as he was knocking me down and spent the rest of the fight trying to get away. He gave me a black eye, probably would have throttled me if you hadn't caught the snitch so quickly and distracted everyone. So you should be impressed at how well I did this time around."

"I'm very impressed," Harry assured him. "But I'd be happier if you hadn't needed to prove your skills in non-magical combat. I told you it wasn't safe for you to wander around on your own."

"You said it wasn't safe at night, this was broad daylight."

"It's obviously not safe full stop."

Draco looked annoyed. "Well what am I supposed to do? Stay locked in my room all day?"

"No, I just think you shouldn't walk about on your own. The teachers should have arranged for you to have some sort of escort." Harry sighed and lowered his tone so that their conversation wouldn't carry. "I hate this, we should be safe here. I don't understand why he sent them after you and not me."

Draco spoke softly too, "Well, he's looking to recruit you now. Besides, if he is going to kill you he wants to do it himself. Prove that he can and all that. He knows he can kill me so he doesn't see the need to do it himself, I'm just a petty embarassment that he wants rid of."

"We should have killed him," Harry said darkly.

"Maybe," said Draco. "But if we'd tried and failed it could have done more harm to us than it did to him. Besides, I'm in no rush to use the killing curse again."

Harry sat down next to Draco and tried to sort out his thought processes. He'd no sooner finished talking to Sirius than Professor McGonagall and Hermione had come running in to tell him about Draco and he'd left them all in her office and gone straight to the hospital wing without any real time to think about what Sirius had said to him. He felt Draco take his hand.

"How did things go with McGonagall?" Draco asked.

"I didn't really talk to her," he replied, staring at their entwined fingers. "My godfather was there."

"Sirius Black came to the school? I thought he was on the run."

Harry looked up at him. "How do you know that, I never told you anything about Sirius?"

"Hermione told me, you might have spent two weeks ignoring me but she didn't. Nor did Weasley for that matter though he was less inclined to sit around and chat. So what did Black say? Did McGonagall tell him about last night?"

"Yes... we talked about stuff. It was... pretty intense. I still don't really know how much trouble I'm in, he said I wasn't going to be suspended but I'm not believing anything for sure till I hear it from Professor McGonagall or Professor Dumbledore."

Draco lifted up his hand and kissed the back of it lightly. "I'm sure it'll be fine."

At that point Madame Pomfrey came back in carrying a tray of medical supplies and Harry pulled his hand back and quickly stood up and stepped away from Draco. He was looking away and missed the other boy's hurt expression.

"Harry," said Madame Pomfrey. "You're not hurt are you?"

"No, I just came to see how Malfoy was."

Draco made a face at the use of his second name. "Actually Harry has a cut on his leg you should probably check on," he said casually, knowing Harry was going to kill him for it later.

Madame Pomfrey put the tray down next to Draco. "Really?" she said.

"It's nothing," Harry tried to tell her. "I was just cutting something in my lap and the knife slipped. It's all bandaged up already."

"Better let me take a look anyway," she fussed. "Just sit down next to Mr Malfoy."

Harry tossed an angry look at Draco and sat back down.

She handed Draco a potion to drink and began smearing some ointment on his forehead. "The potion will clear up your headache and any internal swelling and this ointment should fix up the superficial stuff, dear. You'll be right as rain in an hour." She turned to Harry. "Now let me see this leg of yours."

Harry lifted up his robes sulkily and revealed the neat if slightly bloodstained bandage on his left thigh. Draco took a moment to appreciate the view of Harry's legs, if their earlier discussions were anything to go by he might not see them again for a while.

Madame Pomfrey removed the dressings and cleaned off the wound. "Looks clean enough." She reached for the same ointment she had used on Draco, Harry recognised it as quick-heal salve and was taken back to that night not so very long ago when he had stolen some quick-heal salve for Draco and the other boy had laid bare all of his secrets to Harry and begged for his forgiveness.

It had been so easy to grant. So easy to let go of his fears and just give Draco whatever he wanted, let himself have whatever he wanted. But he hadn't really let go of anything, he had simply chosen to ignore anything that got in the way of what he wanted right then and there. And what he had wanted had been Draco. Draco's skin, Draco's lips, his hands, his smell and taste...

Harry reigned in his thoughts before he embarassed himself in front of Madame Pomfrey, luckily his raised robes were bundled in his lap. He glanced at Draco, sitting next to him, and the other boy's eyes met his with a matching desire in them... this wasn't going to be easy.

-----------

tbc