Circles of Influence

The Marks We Bear II: Circles of Influence

by Marysia (April-May 2002)

http://www.marysia.com/

------------------------

Chapter 2

Monday 20th October

It was still early evening. Harry figured he could stay out here in the chill air till about ten before someone came looking for him, then he'd have to go back to Gryffindor Tower which pretty much meant he had to go to bed. Not going to bed meant putting up with Ron and Hermione's constant attempts to get him to open up to them. Why couldn't they just give up? It also meant sitting in the common room with at least five people who thought he was gay and whoever else they'd told by now. Going to bed wasn't much better though. He'd started having nightmares again, but not about Voldemort. Now he dreamt about Draco dying, replays of him falling to the ground in the Great Hall clutching at his stomach... only in his dreams there was no antidote. Everyone just stood around and watched him writhe until he fell still and his skin was as pale as marble, his lips blue, his eyes open and staring. Then everyone would turn and look at Harry and he would know that somehow it was all his fault.

Then he would wake up and the urge to see Draco, just to be sure it was a dream, was so strong it was almost overpowering. He would sit up rigid in bed and hold himself in a tight ball just to stop his legs carrying him out of the room, repeating to himself over and over, //He's okay, he's okay, he's okay.//

Just a dream.

He had never thought anything would be so difficult as telling Draco their relationship was over and then walking away from that broken look on his face but walking away from the hospital wing without seeing him had been even harder. But it was the only choice. How could he make things any harder for Draco than they already were by adding the risk of their relationship to all his other troubles. If the teachers had ever found out about it they would have blamed Draco, just like Mrs Weasley had, and then what might have happened? Draco needed the teachers on his side to protect him, they were all he had left. And it was bad enough that Voldemort's supporters at the school were out to kill him without the rest of the school turning against him for being gay and wasn't that what would happen. Maybe Justin could get away with it, maybe Harry could even if it came down to it, but everyone was always ready to think the worst of Draco Malfoy. Besides, taking advantage of Draco's

vulnerability to satisfy his own desires was out of the question. It was cheap and underhand and Draco deserved a better friend than Harry had been. Someone who didn't have ulterior motives.

------------------------

Tuesday 21st October

Ron was feeling very proud of himself for getting up when he didn't have to just so that he could accompany Hermione to breakfast. In fact he was of the opinion that he may well be the very best boyfriend any girl could wish for. He was smugly eating some scrambled eggs when an owl flew down to him with a letter tied to each leg. It extended one and he untied it but before he could reach for the other it jumped away and flew back out the window.

"Hey," he said. "There was another letter there and it flew off before I could untie it."

"Maybe it was for someone else," said Hermione. "Who's that one from?"

Ron glanced down at the parchment in his hand and shrugged. "Dunno." He unsealed it and looked it over.

'Ron,

    I have written a letter to Harry. I hope it helps. Please write

back to me and let me know if things get any worse. I hope that

things have blown over by now, though.

    I hope you don't take this the wrong way but when you said Harry

was seeing someone and your Mum didn't approve.... did you mean you?

If not, sorry, I just wondered how your Mum got involved in things. If

you want to talk to me about anything don't hesitate to write again.

                            Sirius'

Ron made a strangled sort of noise. "Why didn't you tell me that my letter made it sound like I was talking about me and Harry?" he hissed in annoyance.

Hermione laughed. "I didn't realise, I can see how he might have made the mistake though."

Ron groaned. "Please tell me he didn't say that to Harry."

"I wonder what he did say to Harry. I guess that must have been the other letter the owl had, it must have taken it up to your dormitory."

Just then Seamus and Dean arrived at the table and sat across from them. "So," said Dean. "Not that we're being nosy or anything... but any news on the Harry situation?"

Ron shrugged. "Not really, not that I'd tell you if there were."

"Oh, go on," said Seamus. "Tell us what you said when you found out he was seeing Ma...."

"Sshhh!" said Hermione. "Will you two be quiet before everyone finds out. You haven't been telling anyone have you? You said you wouldn't."

Dean and Seamus exchanged guilty looks. "Well..." said Seamus. "We may have told Neville that Harry's not really interested in Ginny cause he's gay, but I swear we never told him about You-Know... er, I mean whatsisface. Not a word."

"Did you at least tell Neville not to spread it around?" said Hermione in exasperation. "Harry's mad enough at us without him thinking we're running some sort of rumour mill."

"Neville won't tell anyone," said Dean. "He's good that way. Not like big mouth here." He gestured at Seamus.

"Hey! I'm a champion secret keeper," Seamus protested. "I never told anyone about that time you got your wand stuck up... er, that is..."

"See," said Dean. "His mouth runs faster than his brain."

Seamus scowled. "Why don't you tell Finch-Fletchley," he suggested. "Maybe he could talk to Harry for you, answer any questions he's got. Explain to him why dumping whatsisface was the best thing he ever did for a start."

"Harry'd eat Justin for lunch," said Hermione, then backpedalled at their expressions. "I didn't mean like that! Get your minds out of the gutter. I just meant that I don't think Justin could get through to him and he'd just end up getting yelled at."

"So how'd he end up with whatsisface anyway?" asked Seamus. "I presume that's why they started being all pal-y, cause they were..." he waggled his eyebrows. "Was it just a sex thing or what?"

Hermione rolled her eyes in exasperation. "I really don't think it's any of your business."

"Come on, the honour of our house's been tarnished. We demand to know the details."

"Don't start that again," she said shortly. "Ma... I mean whatsisface saved our lives."

"From his own father!" said Seamus derisively.

"Which only makes it all the more impressive," she informed him. "And it wasn't just his father he was up against."

"Then it's true, he really was in league with You-Know-Who?"

"His father was and is. So lay off him, he's not so bad once you get to know him."

"Well Harry certainly got to know him," Seamus insinuated. "And he doesn't seem to like him much any more."

"You are disgusting," said Hermione primly. "And you have no idea what's going on."

"So tell us," said Dean.

"Just stay out of it," implored Ron. "The situation's bad enough without you two sticking your oars in and making Harry even more paranoid."

---------------

Harry was woken from a restless doze by the squawking of an owl which was fluttering at the curtains of his bed. With a scowl he put on his glasses and grabbed for it carelessly. It avoided his hand, settled on his cabinet and extended it's leg huffily. He untied the parchment and glanced at the handwriting, it was from Sirius. He quickly unrolled it.

'Dear Harry,

        I recieved a letter from Ron yesterday, he seems to be

very worried about you. I hope he is exaggerating but if you need

to talk you know you can always talk to me about anything. Even if

it were something very personal. I am your godfather and I'm here to

help you with that sort of thing. Don't get yourself worked up over

relationships Harry, it always seems like the end of the world at

the time and it's never as bad as you think it is. I heard you had

a run in with Mrs Weasley over someone you were seeing, I'm sure she

didn't mean to upset you so badly. I can hardly imagine you dating

anyone, but when I think about what we were like at your age! I think

sex was all we ever thought about. Well sex, Quidditch and beating

the Slytherins.

        Ron said that it was a boy you were seeing. Don't be

angry with him for telling me, he's worried about you, and don't be

afraid to talk to me if that is the case. I'm an escaped lunatic and

my best friend is a werewolf, I'm not one to be judgemental. Just be

careful, and I mean that in every sense of the word.

        If you want to talk to me in person let me know and I'll

try and arrange to be near a fireplace one night. I hope you are

feeling better.

                            Sirius'

Harry stared blankly at the parchment. Ron had written to Sirius. Ron had told Sirius about Draco. Sirius knew what he'd been doing with Draco!

He dropped the parchment on the floor as he flushed bright red at the thought of his godfather knowing what had happened. Be careful? He picked the letter up and read it again, filling in what he felt Sirius was actually saying as he did.

    'I recieved a letter from Ron yesterday, he seems to be

very worried about you (he thinks you've gone mad). I hope he

is exaggerating but if you need to talk you know you can always

talk to me about anything (if he's not let me know and I'll tell

Dumbledore). Even if it were something very personal (embarassing).

I am your godfather and I'm here to help you with that sort of

thing. Don't get yourself worked up over relationships Harry,

it always seems like the end of the world at the time and it's

never as bad as you think it is (don't do anything stupid like

try and kill yourself). I heard you had a run in with Mrs Weasley

over someone you were seeing (I heard Ron's Mum shouted at you

for screwing Draco Malfoy in her bathroom), I'm sure she didn't

mean to upset you so badly. I can hardly imagine you dating

anyone (I can't imagine you doing that), but when I think about

what we were like at your age! I think sex was all we ever thought

about. Well sex, Quidditch and beating the Slytherins (when I

was your age I couldn't stand Slytherins and all I thought about

was girls and Quidditch).

        Ron said that it was a boy you were seeing. Don't be

angry with him for telling me, he's worried about you, and don't

be afraid to talk to me if that is the case. I'm an escaped

lunatic and my best friend is a werewolf, I'm not one to be

judgemental (please tell me if it's true that your gay, after

all it can't be much worse than being an escaped lunatic or a

werewolf). Just be careful, and I mean that in every sense of

the word (please don't sleep with any more boys though).

        If you want to talk to me in person let me know

and I'll try and arrange to be near a fireplace one night. I

hope you are feeling better (I hope you are not gay).'

He crumpled the letter into a ball and threw it into his trunk.

--------------

Harry avoided Ron and Hermione until lunchtime when his appetite got the better of him. He wandered into the Great Hall casting a momentary look of longing in the direction of the Slytherin table. Draco was, as usual these days, conspicuous by his absense. He had not eaten in the Great Hall since the events at dinner on Saturday. He would however see him later in class, Defence Against the Dark Arts was last thing today. Avoiding Draco in class was not a problem, after their fight last Tuesday morning the other boy had made no attempt to talk to Harry and sat well away from him in the classes they shared. He firmed up his mental resolve not to discuss the letter from Sirius with Ron or Hermione and sat down at the Gryffindor table silently.

"Get any mail this morning, Harry?" Ron asked and was immediately elbowed in the ribs by Hermione for being as subtle as a ginger brick. "Ow!"

Harry gave Ron the glare he'd been nursing all morning. "Nothing of interest," he said coldly.

Ron looked hurt at that. "Did you even read it?"

"I'd say it's none of your business but since you're not even going to pretend you didn't get Snuffles to write to me I'll just tell you to piss off instead."

"Give us a break, Harry," Ron started to get annoyed. "We're just trying to help. All we want is for you to start talking again instead of walking around like a zombie and biting our heads off whenever we speak to you."

"I might be more interested in talking to you if you had more than one topic of conversation."

"We might have more than one thing to talk about if you would stop obsessing over that one thing or at least admit you are obsessing over it."

"You're the one who's obsessed."

"Right, you're over it, that's why you were making puppy dog eyes at his empty seat at the Slytherin table when you walked in here."

Harry flushed red. "I was not!"

"You were too!"

"Will you two shut up," said Hermione. "You sound like three year olds."

Ron pouted and Harry glowered at Hermione. "Writing to Snuffles was your idea wasn't it?"

"You should talk to him," said Hermione calmly, refusing to get into an argument. "Maybe it would cheer you up."

"Maybe it would have, if you had been capable of keeping your mouth shut about my life. As it is I hear enough about it from you without having to discuss it with him too. I don't need to talk about it, I know what I'm doing. Why won't you just accept that?"

"Because you're miserable!" Ron put in.

"If I am it's because I can't talk to my friends any more, can't you just trust me and support my decisions? I don't understand why you're making such a big deal about this, you didn't even want me to be friends with him in the first place."

"It's not just that," said Hermione. "It's the Ginny thing and the way you've shut yourself off. We're worried, Harry, and I know we keep saying that but the more you tell us not to be the more worried we get."

"Well that's just great," said Harry. "Can I eat my lunch now?"

Hermione sighed and Ron just shrugged in defeat.

--------------

Draco picked at his lunch, his appetite was virtually nonexistant these days. Being poisoned had that effect on you. Every bite he took his subconscious was just sitting waiting for the pain to rip through his insides again. Plus he would see Harry this afternoon in Defence Against the Dark Arts, he hadn't spoken to him in a week, not since he had told him that he wouldn't take Harry back if he begged him to. There wasn't really much to say after that. Any desire to take it back was firmly quashed by both his pride and the clear evidence that Harry didn't want him back anyway.

As he propelled his food around his plate he reread the letter he had recieved this morning from his mother.

'Dear Draco,

        I am writing to inform you that I am moving, Malfoy Mansion

has been swarming with Aurors ever since your little escapade and I

cannot get a moment's peace. Thankfully they have stopped treating me

like a prisoner, they are bringing no charges against me and since I

have no idea where your father has gone I cannot help them any further.

I am going to rent a small house near London for a while and take things

easy, I hope you will join me there for Christmas. We still have each

other after all.

                    love, Mother'

He wasn't sure what to think. He hadn't expected to see his mother again for a long time and here she was asking him to spend Christmas with her. Part of him wanted to just accept it at face value, he wanted to have some small part of his life back. His mother. The more cynical side of him said it was too dangerous to leave the protection of the school most especially for someone so close to his father and thus to Voldemort. He never had been sure how much a part of things his mother was, she knew Voldemort was in the house, knew that his father was a death eater... but had she approved of that? Did she believe in the things his father did? Did she know what his father was to Voldemort? Did she really not know where his father was?

----------------

When Draco arrived at Defence Against the Dark Arts he was unexpectedly joined in the front row by Dean Thomas who usually sat with Seamus Finnegan near the back. He frowned at the tall, dark-skinned boy and then set out to ignore him.

However a few minutes later Thomas leaned over and whispered to him, "So how come you and Harry don't sit together any more?"

Draco started and glanced at the boy. Finally he said, "Why don't you ask him that?"

Thomas shrugged. "Cause Ron and Hermione'll kill us if we try to."

Draco turned to look at him. "Who's we?" he asked suspiciously.

"Me and Seamus. So what's going on with you and Harry?"

"It's none of your business," Draco said sharply.

Dean decided to try and fish for a reaction. "Ron said you saved them from You-Know-Who. If you did why would Harry stop talking to you? What did you do to him?"

"I didn't do anything!" Draco snapped.

Dean stifled a grin at his discomposure. "Lovers tiff?" he suggested with a smirk.

Draco went pink and then white but reigned in every other reaction that threatened to escape. Once he had control of himself he said tightly, "I have no idea what you're talking about." After that he refused to respond any further.

-----------

Harry watched Draco and Dean converse from his seat in the back row. From the minute Dean had sat down next to Draco he had paid attention to nothing else, desperate to know what was being said. Dean and Seamus had both overheard his fight with Ron over Ginny during which Ron and his big mouth had given away both that Harry was gay and that he had been seeing Draco. Neither of them had spoken to him about it but they had given him some funny looks and he was sure they'd told Neville. Now Dean was talking to Draco and that could not be good, not with their opinion of the Slytherin. He could only hope that this wasn't more abuse that Draco had to endure because of Harry. If he found out they'd said anything to hurt him he'd... well, he didn't know what he'd do. He'd never been one for physical violence and Seamus and Dean were both bigger than he was. But he'd think of something, he still owed them for the mashed potato incident. That set him thinking back to better times and seeing Draco was no longer speaking to Dean he spent the rest of the class thinking about things he really shouldn't be thinking about anymore.

-----------

After class he caught up with Dean in the corridor. "What were you saying to Dra... Malfoy?" he demanded.

Dean gave him an appraising look, then glanced behind him to see who else was in the corridor. "Why don't you ask him?" he said.

"Because I just asked you."

"Just saying hi, as you do," he said casually.

"Since when do you say hi to Slytherin's?"

"I thought you and Malfoy were bestest buddies these days," said Dean slyly. "I even heard he saved your life."

"So what if he did?"

"So if he saved your life why don't you hang out with him anymore?"

Harry was beginning to wish he'd never started this conversation. "That's none of your business."

"Funny, that's exactly what he said."

"What is with everyone?" said Harry in exasperation. "First you all treat me like dirt for being friends with him in the first place and now all anyone seems to care about is why I broke up with him!"

Dean grinned. "Broke up?" he repeated and before he could think better of it he added, "Why Harry, were you and Malfoy... dating?"

"Shut up, Dean!" he hissed. "It's none of your fucking business." Harry ran off down the hall leaving Dean grinning behind him.

A moment later his grin faded as Hermione barrelled up to him followed by Ron and Seamus. "Were you talking to Harry?" she demanded. "What did you say to him?"

"Er..."

"If you were teasing him about Malfoy I'll... I'll..." she looked really angry.

"I didn't mean... he started talking to me, I swear."

"Because you were talking to Malfoy in class," Hermione surmised correctly.

"Well... yes."

"And why were you talking to Malfoy in class?"

"We were just curious... and you said we couldn't talk to Harry about it..."

"We!" Hermione whirled on Seamus. "I might have known."

Seamus put up his hands. "I didn't do anything."

"If you two have made things any worse I'll hex you into next week."

Hermione and Ron ran off after Harry.

The common room was empty and Ron went up to the dorm where he found Harry putting away his school books rather violently.

"Hey. You okay?"

"I'm fine!"

"Dean didn't say anything stupid did he?"

"You mean like blurting out to my entire dormitory that I was gay and dating Draco Malfoy... oh no, that was you wasn't it."

Ron grimaced. "Look, I said I was sorry. I was angry about Ginny."

"Tell it to someone who cares."

"Fine, be like that! Why don't you just get over yourself? No-one gives a toss who you're shagging except you!"

Harry spun around and fixed Ron with a murderous look and Ron felt his throat go dry. "Get over myself?"

"Er..."

"I'm so sick of you acting like you can tell me how to live my life, like you have the faintest fucking clue. Cause it's just so hard to be Ron Weasley! It must be so difficult juggling your blatant heterosexuality and your complete lack of mortal enemies never mind your punishing academic schedule and your traumatic home life."

It didn't take long for Ron's temper to catch up with Harry's. "You stuck up git. No wonder you got on so well with Malfoy! That's right Harry, you're so bloody special that we mere mortals couldn't possibly comprehend the marvel that is you. No wonder you don't want to talk to us anymore, well here's a news flash, I'm sick and tired of trying to talk to you! You want to have no friends? Congratulations, you're succeeding... as usual." With that Ron stormed out of the room.

-----------------------

Wednesday 23rd October

A full day and more had passed since Ron had fallen out with him and they hadn't exchanged a word. Harry hadn't tried to talk to him, he didn't see the point. It was more and more obvious to him that he had changed, and not for the better. All he ever seemed to do these days was hurt the people around him. He had hoped that when Ron and Hermione finally let go of the gay thing they could go back to the way things had been before but it was too late for that now. Too many people knew and they weren't going to forget, it would be hanging over him for the rest of his life.

He looked down at the knife he was holding. He missed Draco like an ache that wouldn't go away. It was all he thought about. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do with the knife, just hold it maybe. He caressed the handle with his finger as his mind wandered but as it strayed into thoughts of a more physical nature he reigned it back in with anger. He was so sick of this, sick of the ache, sick of the memories. He thumped the bed with his fist. It felt like he wanted to jump out of his skin. He flicked the knife open and gritted his teeth.

Harry pressed the knife against his thigh nervously, drew it across cautiously, then stared at his leg in irritation. All he had created was a thin white line of the sort you get when you drag your nail across your skin. Was there something wrong with his knife? He watched as the line changed from red to a faintly swollen pink then tried again. After several attempts he threw the knife in extreme irritation and it tangled in the curtains then dropped and buried itself into the floor.

"Oh great!" he said sarcastically. "My skin is tougher than the floor. This is ridiculous, how hard can it be?"

He suddenly recalled a conversation he and Draco had one night, when he asked Draco how he had started cutting himself. He had wanted to understand it better, never thinking at the time that he might try it himself one day.

-------------------------

Flashback (Wed 8th Oct)

"Why?" said Draco thoughtfully. "I wanted... control. I think I wanted control. When I was around my father and Voldemort I felt like I had none, like all I ever did was let them push me around, do what they told me. If I couldn't control the world around me at least I would have control over my own body. If I couldn't lash out at Voldemort..."

"You could lash out at yourself," completed Harry.

Draco nodded. "Not that it was easy. When I got the knife out I was actually thinking about killing myself but I knew I didn't really want to. I kept thinking if I could just hold on till school started I'd be away from it all. But I couldn't stand it and it seemed so long... I needed something, something to make it go away. I remember putting the knife to my arm but I couldn't seem to press it hard enough to really break the skin. Natural self-preservation or something. I just couldn't do it. I was so angry... I was so weak and pathetic I couldn't even do this, I couldn't even exert my will over my own body!"

Harry wanted to stop him, it hurt to hear about, but at the same time he wanted to know everything there was to know about Draco.

"I didn't eat all the next day, I think I was trying to punish my body for not doing as I told it by depriving it of food. That evening I had a glass of wine while I pushed my dinner around the plate and it made me feel tipsy, I rather liked it so I stole a bottle of wine and took it to my room with me. I drank the whole bottle in about half an hour and then getting the knife out again seemed like a really good idea... it went from there I guess. For a while I had to get drunk to do it, then it got easier. Not less painful, I mean easier to do mentally, I overcame the instincts that said stop. I guess it's wierd but I'm still sort of proud of that."

------------------

Harry pulled the knife out of the floor and stuck it under his pillow. It was time to find some alcohol.