I’m Not a Muggle Not Yet a Wizard

I'm Not a Muggle Not Yet a Wizard

By Mariposa

Chapter 1

"Where's my sweetie pookins Dudley doo?" Aunt Petunia asked as she came inside the house followed by Uncle Vernon. She held up an envelope. "I have a prezzy wezzy for my wittle Poopsie!"

Dudley, who had been watching the telly on the couch, which was covered with cookie crumbs and potato chips, jumped up. "What is it? What is it? What is it?" he asked excitedly.

Uncle Vernon glared at Harry. "Get back to your chores boy!"

Harry sighed. While Dudley had been watching TV, he had been cleaning the house. He sure wished he could use magic over summer break. He went back to dusting the shelves, while keeping an eye on the Dursleys.

Dudley ran over to his mother and grabbed the envelope from her bony hand and ripped it open. "OH BOY!" he screamed. "BRITNEY SPEARS CONCERT TICKETS!!!!"

Aunt Petunia beamed widely. "I knew you would love it, sweetie pookie pooh. I know how much you love her. She's coming to London to give a concert soon and your father and I are taking you to it."

Harry groaned inwardly. He couldn't stand Britney Spears! Dudley had her posters taped everywhere in her room. She was the ugliest Muggle Harry had ever seen! Her skin was all leathery from fake tans, her hair was an awful shade of fake blond, she wore more make up than a 2 cent ho, and her voice! ARGHHHH. Dudley was always playing her albums and it drove Harry up the wall. It also drove Hedwig crazy. Harry envied her, wishing HE could fly away when that tramp was singing!

No doubt about it, Dudley played his Britney Spears albums all day, every day and it drove Harry positively mad! Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia thought it was "sooooooooo precious" how their little Doobie Woobie Dudley had a crush on that tramp.

Harry tried to omit the sound by using headphones and stuffing the crack in his door with towels, but nothing would work. The voice of a hell demon kept ringing through his head. Harry didn't know what was worse, Britney Spears singing, or Dudley singing along to the songs. Dudley would dance around and sing.

"OH BAYYYY-BUH. OH BAYYYY-BUH, HOW WAS I SUPPOSE TO KNOWWWW THAT SOMETHING WASN'T RIGHTTTT- YEAH. OH BABY BABY, I SHOULDN'T HAVE LET YOU GO."

Harry marched out of his room and into Dudley's room. "WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!!!!" he cried.

Dudley ignored him and kept on singing and doing some retarded dance. "WHEN I'M NOT WITH YOUUUUU, I LOSE MY MIND. GIVE ME A SIGNNNNNNNNNN. HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME."

"If you don't shut up, I'll, I'll-" Harry pointed his finger at him in a menacing way.

Dudley shrieked like a girl and ran out of his room yelling, "Mum! Mum!"

Harry shut off the music. Finally, some peace and quiet, he thought. He was tempted to break the CDs, but he resisted.

* * *

"I'm afraid I have some bad news," Uncle Vernon said a week later at the dinner table.

"What is it?" asked Aunt Petunia looking worried.

"It seems Mrs. Figg won't be able to watch the little brat while we're at the concert. She said she's busy that night." He glared at Harry like it was his fault.

"Well, if she can't watch him, what are we going to do?" cried Aunt Petunia.

"It looks like he'll have to come with us," Uncle Vernon said regrettably.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Dudley and Harry screamed.

"You can't make me go to that concert!" Harry cried. I'll go deaf listening to that screaming banshee."

"Mum!" Harry's insulting Britney again!" Dudley whined.

"There will be no more insulting of Ms. Spears!" Aunt Petunia glared at Harry.

"You WILL go to this concert and you WILL enjoy yourself," a red faced Uncle Vernon yelled at Harry.

Harry sighed and slumped down in his chair. There was no winning this battle. After dinner he went upstairs to write a note to Ron to tell him about his nightmare.

* * *

Ron, Fred, and George were in the living room when they heard a hooting sound at the window.

"Hey, it's Hedwig!" said Ron as he took the letter from Hedwig. He opened the letter and began to read.

"Harry says his aunt and uncle are taking his cousin to a Britney Spears concert and he has to go with them."

Fred frowned. "I wonder who that is?"

"Sounds like she's a Muggle singer who Harry can't stand," said Ron still reading the letter. "I bet Hermione knows who she is. She knows EVERYTHING about Muggles. She told me she has something called a computer at home. Let's send her an owl and ask her."

"Ickle Ronnies just wants an excuse to write to his sweetpea!" Fred teased.

Ron went bright red. "Shuddup!"

"Are you going to write you sweet Hermy?" George said as he made kissing sounds.

It was no secret Fred and George knew about Ron's little crush on Hermione. Ron huffed upstairs to write a letter to both Hermione and Harry.

* * *

Hermione had been sitting at her desk writing in her notebook before the owl arrived. She had been writing RON and HERMIONE FOREVER with a big heart around it and Mr. and Mrs. Ron Weasley and Mrs. Hermione Weasley and sometimes even Mr. and Dr. Ronald Granger-Weasley. Hermione had a HUGE crush on Ron, but she didn't think the feeling was mutual. Her heart began to beat fast when she saw that Ron's owl was at her window with a message. She took the letter and read it. It was asking her if she knew who Britney Spears was.

"Oh for crying out loud," Hermione muttered.

Of course she knew who that skank was. But why the HELL did Ron want to know this? She was not happy. She then read more of the letter and began to calm down. It turned out that they were wondering because Harry's aunt and uncle were taking him and his cousin to one of her concerts. Obviously from the sounds of it, Harry was not fond of Ms. Spears. Hermione smiled to herself. At least she had one smart friend!

Hermione replied to Ron's letter explaining to him who Britney Spears was. She included a picture of her from one of her Vogue magazines. It was a photo from her Oops! I Did it Again! video. She was wearing that ugly red leather bodysuit. It was Ms. Spear's in all her skankiness glory.

* * *

Harry sat in the backseat of the Dursleys car as they drove to London to the Britney Spear's concert. He wished death would take him. Even being in the presence of Voldemort would be better than the horrors that awaited him that night.

"Yay! We're here!" Dudley cried as Uncle Vernon pulled into the parking lot of the outdoor arena.

On the way to their seats they passed a souvenir stall that had Britney Spears t-shirts, Britney Spears posters, Britney Spears concert books and lots of other crap.

"Mum! I want to buy something!" Dudley cried.

Aunt Petunia bought Dudley a poster, t-shirt, hat and concert book.

Harry was surprised to see that there were actually lots of people. He figured there would be ten people there, tops. Most of her fans were ten-year-old girls dressed like their slut idol. To his horror, they were in the second row. Way too close to the skank. Dudley, Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon took their seats. Harry had to sit on the cold cement floor. His uncle hadn't bothered to get him a seat when he learned Harry would be joining them.

Everywhere started screaming loudly when the stage went dark and a purple spotlight silhouetted Britney Spears. The music for Hit Me Baby One More Time started. Britney stepped out of the light and began to sing (well, lip synch). Harry had to muster all the strength he had not to laugh. Britney was wearing an ugly pink sequined see-through dress with black underwear. Her nappy hair was looking especially nappy tonight.

After the song ended, Britney said, "He'yall! How y'all doin' tonight?"

The crowd cheered.

"It's so great to be here in, uh, where am I?" She glanced to the side of the stage. "Oh yeah! London!"

Harry rolled his eyes.

"Are y'all ready to have a good time tonight?"

"YEAH!"

"Are y'all ready to sing?"

"YEAH!"

"Are y'all ready to have some finger-lickin' good, likity split fun?"

"YEAH"

What the -?

"Are y'all ready to get this party started?"

"YEAH!"

Are you ready to act like a slut? Harry thought.

Music started and Britney sang Sometimes. Song after song, Harry sat in pain, his ears bleeding. He had never suffered through such horrible pain before.

"Well, it looks like we're coming to the end of the show," Britney said after she sang I'm a Slave 4 U.

There was a collective "aww" throughout the audience.

Thank God, thought Harry.

"But before the night ends, I have one more song to sing. This song is so very dear to me -" she touched her heart - "and I hope it's dear to you too."

She sat on the stool and began to sing (live this time). She was way offkey but Harry figured her moronic fans probably didn't even notice.

I used to think I had the answers to everything
But now I know
That life doesn't always go my way
Feels like I'm caught in the middle
That's when I realize

I'm not a girl, not yet a woman
All I need is time, a moment that is mine
While I'm in between
I'm not a girl

There is no need to protect me
It's time that I
Learn to face up to this on my own
I've seen so much more than you know now
So don't tell me to shut my eyes

I'm not a girl, not yet a woman
All I need is time, a moment that is mine
While I'm in between
I'm not a girl

But if you look at me closely
You will see it in my eyes
This girl will always find her way

I'm not a girl, not yet a woman
All I need is time, a moment that is mine
While I'm in between
I'm not a girl

(I'm not a girl) I'm not a girl, don't tell me what to believe
(Not yet a woman) I'm just trying to find the woman in me, yeah
(All I need is time) Oh, all I need is time
(A moment that is mine) That's mine
While I'm in between
I'm not a girl, not yet a woman, no no
All I need is time, a moment that is mine
While I'm in between
I'm not a girl, ooh
Not yet a woman

Everyone stood up and erupted into applauds. Harry couldn't believe people were applauding for this no talent ho. After the clapping died down he heard a familiar hooting sound.

Uh oh.

In the sky he saw Hedwig swoop down close to spectator's heads. They screamed. Hedwig flew towards Harry as people screamed in terror at the low-flying owl.

Aunt Petunia, Uncle Vernon and Dudley huddled together and shriek as the owl came closer to them. Hedwig dropped a letter on Harry's lap and he saw his name written in Ron's handwriting. Hedwig had been flying so fast she couldn't control herself. She flew out of control towards and stage and straight into Britney's chest. Britney screamed as she was knocked to the floor by the snowy owl's weight and slid across the floor.

"Get this filthy thing away from me!" she screeched

The stage crew ran out to help her. There was chaos everywhere, not to mention feathers. Poor Hedwig was so scared but she managed to fly away unharmed.

Uncle Vernon was fuming mad. "Come on boy," he said taking Harry roughly by the ear. "We're going home."

"YOU RUINED THE CONCERT!" Dudley screamed at the top of his lungs. "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"It was already over anyway," Harry protested. "Besides, Hedwig was more scared of Britney than Britney was of her."

"I knew something like this would happen," Aunt Petunia fumed. "I just knew it!"

Nobody talked during the car ride home. Dudley kept shooting Harry death sates.

When they got back to 4 Privet Drive, Uncle Vernon was screaming again. "How dare you ruin Dudley's special day! You will not be staying here for the rest of the summer! You better hope those redheaded wizard freaks will let you stay with them."

"Fine! I'll go pack right now! Believe me, I don't want to spend another minute here." Harry ran up to his room to send Ron a letter.

* * *

"Looks like Hermione wrote back," Ron told the twins.

"Did your sugar bear write you a love letter?" George taunted.

Ron ignored him and opened the letter. "She says that Britney Spears is a Muggle singer from America who can't sing at all. She's a skank and the only reason she's famous is because she wears little clothing."

"Eh?" said George, who now had his full attention.

"She says she's the ugliest Muggle you've ever seen," Ron continued reading. "And that she's a ho. She's a disgrace to women everywhere."

"What's a ho?" asked Fred as he and George snickered.

Ron rolled his eyes. "Yikes! She even sent a photo of her. Augh! My eyes."

"Lemme see," said George grabbing the photo. "Oh crap! What are you trying to do, blind me?"

"Her latest single is called I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman," Ron read with a laugh.

Fred sniggered. What a stupid name for a song."

A familiar hooting sound interrupted them.

"It's Hedwig again," Fred said.

Ron took the envelope from her and read the letter from Harry. He began to laugh.

"What's so funny?" asked Fred.

"Apparently Harry got in trouble at the Britney Spears concert," Ron said tossing the letter to his brothers to read. "He says he's in trouble and now wonders if he can stay here for the rest of the summer."

"Hell yeah, Harry can stay here!" George hooted. "This is going to be so great. We still have a month of summer left."

Just then an irritated-looking Percy came downstairs carrying a thick book. "What's all the racket? Can't you see I'm trying to read?"

"Gee Perce, don't you know its' summer?" said Fred.

"Harry's coming to stay with us for the rest of the summer!" Ron said.

Percy raised his eyebrows. "Does Mum know about this?"

"Well, not yet. But she'll say yes! She loves Harry!"

Mrs. Weasley was more than delighted to have Harry come stay with them for the rest of the summer. Ron happily wrote back to him telling him to come as soon as he could. Harry wrote back and told him he would be there by dinnertime the next day.