The Seduction of Severus Snape

Epilogue: A Pirate's Life for Me

I took a moment to stare incredulously at the portkey before I dropped it and turned my continuously (and extremely) incredulous attention to my surroundings. I was in a low-lit room with hardwood floors, mahogany furniture, and a four poster bed with the headboard set against the far wall. The walls were papered in some old-fashioned, dark green design, and the window curtains and bed curtains matched the color. There was a fireplace on the right-hand wall with a low fire lit in it, and a door on the left hand that presumably led to the bathroom, since it was open a bit and I could make out the shape of a toilet from where I stood. Which meant that the exit was behind me. I jumped when I heard someone knocking and whirled around to see... To see...

"Professor?" He was absolutely gorgeous, leaning against the doorjamb in a white button down shirt and black trousers. And his shirt was untucked. So sexy. "Er... Am I in trouble?"

"Not quite." He quirked an eyebrow, as if he wanted me to just figure it out. Which I did. But... That couldn't be right.

"...Look at you. Trying to be a regular Casanova, huh?" I had to make a comment. It was just too funny.

"That was the basic idea," he informed me, sighing as he stood upright. "Another failed endeavor, that is."

"Is this your bedroom?" I finally asked. I wanted to make sure.

"Of course it is. Don't be such a Gryffindor." He was standing there with his arms folded, surveying me in a calculating way.

"Am I going to get to see your mansword?" And there was that look he got whenever I pulled a task on him.

"Yes," he sighed, sounding frustrated.

"And you're sure this isn't a dream?" I had to check.

"Pinch yourself," he growled, scowling.

"I'm really bad at pinching," I grumbled. Then I got another idea; I walked up to the wall, and hit my head against it. "Ack!" Definitely not a dream. "Ow, ow, ow!" Definitely.

"You're unbelievable," I heard him grouse from behind me. "Are you trying to get a concussion?"

"I'm fine, thanks," I shot back. Honestly, the man just can't give me a break, even when I'm getting one.

"Hmph. Ten points from Ravenclaw." Hands on my shoulders, yum.

"I'd prefer a detention." Wink, wink.

"If you insist." Then there was a long silence. And just... standing. Alright, I wanted some action and I wanted it immediately. So I turned around, reached forward, and grabbed his butt.

"You're really bad at seducing people," I informed him.

"And you're hurting my arse," he snarled, prying my hands away from their booty. Heehee, double entendre.

"For someone who's about to have sex, you're in an awfully bad mood."

"I'm sorry, but I'm not accustomed to women insulting me and trying to tenderize my buttocks by means of foreplay." Honestly, the complaining!

"Stop being such a yenta," I scolded, swatting him.

"I'm not Jewish." He looked so... Not like someone about to have sex. And I should know, I've done it before.

"You know, sometimes I wonder about you," I grumbled.

"Wonder what, exactly?"

"If you even enjoy the company of women."

"Oh, good God! Not this again!"

"I really think you might be gay sometimes, I do! Look at you! Do you even want to have sex?"

"Of course I want to have sex!"

"You're not acting like it, that's for sure."

"Well maybe if you wouldn't ruin the mood-"

"I'm not ruining the mood, you are!"

"I most certainly am not!"

"Oh, yes you are! You and your Yittish complaining about every little detail-"

"I'll complain about whatever I damn well please, and you will tolerate it, because this is my home, if you'll recall-"

"Yes, it would have been nice to have a little bit of warning before you whisked me away to your humble abode!"

"I thought you would have liked all that romantic shit!"

"I most certainly would not! And since when is being kidnaped in the middle of the night romantic?"

"It was not kidnaping! It was romanticism!"

"Since when?"

"Since the Renaissance! People do that sort of thing in plays and such all the time!"

"Oh, right, like when? Henry VIII? You're such a bullshit artist!"

"At least I'm not a stubborn cow with tiny breasts!"

"At least my penis is visible to the naked eye!"

"DETENTION!" I was about to retaliate when I paused and took a moment to absorb that last remark from Sevvie-poo. And then I started laughing. "Well, I'm glad you think it's so ruddy funny," he grumbled, "because at least that makes one of us." I let out another little chuckle.

"Detention. Oh, you really meant it, too. Oho. That's rich." He snorted. "Come here." I grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him forward, giving him a soft little kiss on the mouth.

"Hmph," he persisted.

"What, am I going to sleep on the couch now?" I kissed him again. "Are you going to divorce me? Leave me for a younger woman?"

"Alright, alright," he finally groaned. "Enough."

"Okay, are you ready for some hot action from the luuuuurve machine?" He raised his eyebrows at me.

"No." I rolled my eyes.

"It was a joke."

"This is sex. It's no joking matter." Alright, I couldn't help but laugh at that. And... He was laughing, too. A little. Well, for him, at least. I think. Then, he paused, stepping away and observing me neutrally, one eyebrow slightly raised. He seemed to be waiting for something... Oh. His cue. So, I gave it to him.

"Well? What the fuck are you waiting for, asshole?" This, surprisingly, seemed as if it had been the right thing to say. A bark of laughter and a swish of clothing later, and we were on the bed. We were on the bed all night.

Oh, and I was right. He is a wonderful lover.

Except, I think I might have disrupted things a little when I accidentally knocked him off the bed. And when I fell off the bed, myself. And when I rolled over and kneed him in the naughty bits (though that was after the sweet, sweet loving, thank God.) And I know that I definitely ruined the mood when I spanked him and called him "Lovely Delicious the Sparkle Whore."

...Well, some of us like to get creative in bed. I can't help it if certain partners don't appreciate my talent with words. Though, it was one hell of an afterglow. I don't think I've ever felt so content in my life. I was simply lying there, in his arms. Oh, sigh.

"This is completely and utterly ridiculous," Professor Severus Snape, lover extraordinaire, grumbled irritably. I could tell, though, that deep down... He really did like cuddling. It was just far too apparent.

"Says who?" I yawned loudly.

"Me, of course. And, equally predictable, I am right."

"As always."

"Yes, as always." He sighed and grunted a bit as I poked him in the ribs. "Don't do that. Insolent girl." I suppressed a laugh and shuffled closer to him, resting my head on his chest. "And just what do you think you're doing?"

"You've got eyes, take a look." I yawned again.

"Oh?" I nodded. "And what do you think you're going to do?" I thought a moment.

"Tell you a story." This time, his reply sounded rather wary.

"What kind of story?" I stifled another yawn.

"A rip-roaring tale of pirates and their big gay love." I heard a groan from him. "Oh, come now. I think you'll enjoy the tale of Booker and Daley."

"I've got a feeling that I've already heard it."

"Well, then, bear with me." He didn't, though. He was snoring within minutes, and I resolved to brew a decongestant potion for him. Well, that, or get those strips you put over your nose. In the meantime, I just settled for a silencing charm and made myself comfortable. I think I'm going to be spending a lot more time in the company of the enticing potions master. I'll just have to wait and see.

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Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.