The Seduction of Severus Snape

Chapter 13: Fonzie and the Pussy Cats

* ~ May 3 ~ *

My God. I am so fucking sore all over my body that I can't even express the pain I'm in. I actually limp when I walk, now. And no, I wasn't in a debilitating accident or anything. It's just from the excessive exercise. I really shouldn't be so obsessive over shedding the five or so pounds I've gained, but it's like my aunt told me: no one's going to fancy a girl with an ass the size and shape of a watermelon. So, here I am, collapsed on my bed, completely exhausted, but not from sex. Which is the worst part of the whole ordeal, I think. I'm too tired to even masturbate, I've been exercising so much!

Oh, well. That's the price for losing weight. At least it's just a little bit. And now I get to go out and walk with Professor Snape. The other day I went and started jogging circles around him. Heehee, he got so angry, and it was hilarious. "Stop that!" he growled, speeding up.

"Come on, Professor, let's see you sweat!"

"Not on your life."

"Feel the burn!"

"You can burn all you like; I'm fine the way I am." Really, sometimes he can be such an old biddy.

"Come on, Professor. Let's have a race; first one to the Quidditch pitch wins."

"I'd rather not."

"GO!!" I ran off at top speed, quite aware of the fact that Professor Snape was making absolutely no effort whatsoever to keep up. In fact, I think he was going a little slower. Well, poo on him. I need to shed some pounds, and I need to do it fast. When I got to the Quidditch pitch, I decided to double back towards Professor Snape, since waiting for him would take too long. Can't let the heart rate go down! So, I sprinted back to him and started running around him in circles again. "Slowpoke, slowpoke," I half-panted, half-taunted.

"You're demented," he grumbled. "Twenty points from Ravenclaw."

"Alright, let's burn off those points! One two, one two, one two-"

"I'm leaving." He started for the castle, but I followed him, still making circles around him. "Get away from me, you idiot!"

"You can't just cut your work-out short," I panted. It was taking a lot of effort to talk and run at the same time.

"I can do whatever I bloody well please you daft cow, now get out of my way!!" I stopped dead, right in front of him. Ouch. That one hurt.

"Did you just call me a daft cow?" I asked quietly.

"YES!!"

"...I knew I'd gained weight!" I wailed. "My thighs are the size of tree trunks!" I started running again, redoubling my efforts.

"Christ, girl, you're going to give yourself an ulcer like that."

"I've- got- to- lose- ten pounds!" I really am a fitness freak, sometimes.

"You look ready to collapse," he commented listlessly, climbing the steps to the castle. I took the opportunity to run up and down them. "Mind you don't hurt yourself and get me in trouble." Then he walked away. I decided it would be a better use of my time to do laps up and down the grand staircase for around an hour, so that's what I did next. You know, you see so many people when you're working out in plain sight. Near the end of the hour, Professor Lupin just happened to pop by.

"Nadia?"

"Oh- hi- Profess-ssor- Lu-Lupin!" I panted, ignoring the burning in... Pretty much my whole body.

"What are you doing?"

"Well-" I managed to work out (no pun intended-) "I-I gained- gained some weight," I paused for a deep breath, "and I-I started working out." I took another deep breath. "I th-thought I'd been d-doing alright, but then- then-" I dropped to the floor and started doing crunches. "Prof-Professor Snape, he- called- called me a cow- so now- I figure- I've got- got ten- well, maybe fifteen- pounds to- to go."

"Are you sure that's healthy?"

"N-no fucking idea!" I replied, trying to sound chipper. Instead I sounded constipated.

"Er..." He looked at me like I'd transformed into Bette Midler or something. "Good luck with it, then."

"Thanks!" I worked out with Professor Snape again today, too. Well, sort of. Not really. I was just starting out, and drinking an energy shake to give me a boost (since my muscles protested just about any kind of movement) when Professor Snape passed by on his daily walk.

"Mandrake sprouts, jarvey feathers, doxy poison, cake mix," he was muttering to himself over and over. "Mandrake sprouts, jarvey feathers, doxy poison, cake mix."

"Birthday party coming up, Professor?" I asked.

"Shut it."

"May I offer you an energy shake to boost your spirits?" I held the glass out to him.

Professor Snape stared apprehensively down at the shake. "You haven't slipped any roofies into this, have you?" he asked, narrowing his eyes at the drink.

"Only a bit," I replied.

"I'm not thirsty. Besides, I need mandrake feathers and jarvey sprouts- wait- was it white cake mix or yellow cake mix? Oh bloody sodding fucker fucking bugger shitfaced..." He muttered as he walked away. Well, he was certainly distracted. I hadn't known he had such a dirty mouth, but it wasn't exactly difficult to believe.

"Nadia! So we meet again."

"Hello, Professor Lupin. Care for a shag?"

"Hells yes! I mean, no, that's alright." Hey, imagination's a good thing. The second part was his real answer.

"That's too bad," I sighed. "Sex burns one hundred calories an hour and I could do with the break. Anyway, I've got to run: literally! Seeya later, sweet teets!" He had a rather confused expression as I sprinted away, which was just about the most amusing part of my day. And... Well, I exercised all day, skipped dinner, exercised some more, took a shower, and now here I am. Hopefully, if I boost my activity level to at least five hours a day, I'll be able to shed that ten or fifteen pounds in a couple of weeks. RIGHT!? Okay, I need to do crunches.

* ~ May 10 ~ *

One week, one fucking week, how much did I lose!? Four pounds. FOUR. Fucker, I need to cut down on my serving sizes. Hmm... Maybe I'm just trying too hard? Getting psychotically obsessive?

...Nah. So, I went out running from breakfast to lunch, then collapsed on my bed for two hours, then went to visit Professor Snape and see if he fancied a jog. As I approached his office, I heard voices. It's so easy to eavesdrop on him that it isn't even funny. "Lupin, please leave me be."

"And I quote," Professor Lupin's voice drifted out, "'Professor Snape called me a cow, so now I've got fifteen pounds to go.'"

"Your point?"

"It's unhealthy, Severus! She spends all day running around like a lunatic, she skips meals, and I've got the sneaking suspicion that she's going to end up fainting, if she hasn't already."

"What do you want me to do about it?"

"Just take it back! You know she's not fat."

"Rather big hips, though."

"You like that body type."

"So?"

"So apologize! She'll end up an anorexic or something, trying to please you!"

"Lupin, you are sadly mistaken if you think anyone would try to please me."

"I can name at least three people."

"You're only so concerned because you want Nathanyel in your bed, you utter poof."

"SEVERUS!" Lupin growled. "I'm not fucking around!"

"Could have fooled me."

"For Christ's sake, Severus, just tell the girl she's thin!"

"Fine!" he growled. "I'll tell her she's a fucking stick, alright!?"

"You'd better mean every Goddamned word!"

"I WILL!" Professor Snape stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

"Hello, Professor," I greeted.

"YOU ARE WASTING AWAY!! EAT A BLOODY SANDWICH BEFORE I KILL MYSELF!!" And then he stalked away.

"Well," I muttered to myself. "That was interesting." Professor Lupin walked out of the office, raising his eyebrows at me.

"Is that all settled, then?" he asked calmly. Alright. Professor Lupin is now officially a bipolar psycho.

"Yes. I'll go have a snack and a nap right now."

"You do that."

"I will." I'd never thought I'd find a gay man that scary, but there are new things to be learnt every day. Anyway, I fulfilled my promise and snacked and napped. I'm still going to watch what I eat, but... Maybe I'll tone it down. Just a bit. Besides, that should give me time to do some actual tasks.

* ~ May 13 ~ *

Alright, here's the skinny. I'm a super stealthy ninja!! No, just kidding. Two things happened in the past three days. First, Dad won't leave me alone, the silly bastard. Second, I received and sort of carried out another task. I did the task, but... It didn't turn out quite as planned.

It was the other day that I was heading down to the dungeons to ask Professor Snape a few things about the N.E.W.T. exams. I didn't even make it to the office when I saw him, prowling in my direction. "Professor!" I hailed.

"Go away," he growled. "I am expecting a visitor."

"Really? When?"

"Now."

"I just have a few questions-"

"Yoohoo! Mr. Beauregard!" NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

"Oh no."

"Oh yes," Professor Snape argued as Dad trotted up to us, thankfully not looking like an escaped mental patient. For the most part.

"Dad? What are you doing here now?"

"Oh, I just came to discuss the Wolfsbane potion with our dear potions master." He turned to Professor Snape. "Good to see you, Fonz."

"Shut up."

"Anyway, Severus, I was thinking-"

"Nadia!" Ginny came running up, looking excited about something. "Nadia, I just- Why hello Mr. Page." I rolled my eyes.

"Hello, Ginny. It's so nice to see you again." She gave him one of her flirtiest smiles. Oh, God. I couldn't believe she was doing that to me. And in front of Professor Snape, to boot.

"You, too, Mr. Page." She side-stepped a bit closer to him. "So, are you still married?"

"Yes."

"Goddammit." She stomped away without telling me what she had come to say.

"What a strange and frightening girl." Professor Snape snorted.

"Dad, you should be able to tell by now that everyone in this place wants to bend you over backwards." Ew. I couldn't believe I'd just said that.

"Especially that creepy Creevey boy of yours."

"Oh, gross." I knew he was just kidding, but still... Bad, bad mental images.

"Please, don't speak," Professor Snape grumbled, looking a bit green. Dad just grinned and winked at him.

"Now, about the Wolfsbane- I say we add hellebore." Snape reached up to massage his temples.

"Nathanyel, wouldn't that make the potion... Oh, I don't know... Explode?"

"Not if we stabilize it with doxy secretions. And the poisonous chemicals in the secretion would be neutralized by the wolfsbane, so all is well."

"My God... You're right! Let's go!"

"I'll see you later, Nadia."

"Come on, we've got work to do!" I watched them run off like little school girls and wondered... Where did I go wrong? Deciding that my questions would need to wait until later (being in the same room as Dad while he's experimenting with explosive substances is not a good idea) I went to look for Ginny. After all, it was probably something semi-important if she was so excited about it.

I found her after only ten minutes, talking to her boy, Mr. Hunk. "Hey, Ginny," I greeted. I looked over at the Hunkmeister. "Hello... You." He nodded at me. Okay, weirdo.

"Well, see you later then!" Ginny said to Hunkman, taking my arm and leading me off. "Thanks for saving me, the conversation was getting really awkward."

"Maybe because he doesn't know any English," I replied.

"I know," she sighed. "He's a transfer student. It's very exotic, don't you think?"

"Not particularly." We had made it to the court yard, where we sat down on the bench furthest away from everyone else.

"Well, I think it is. Besides, that's less time for talking and more time for the fun stuff." She winked.

"Right. Anyway, what were you going to tell me?"

"Oh, right!" Ginny exclaimed. "We've got a new task. Defend Professor Snape's virtue."

"...In what way?"

"By fighting another girl for his honor. I was thinking me or Luna, but we might be able to get someone else in on the deal. What do you think?"

"Hell, I'm ready to kick some ass any time of the day!"

"Good! Well, you have potions tomorrow, so I was thinking you could stage it after class."

"Sure thing. Then he'll be there to see it." She grinned.

"Precisely my thinking." So, at dinner we discussed the plan with Luna. She was all for it, but Colin sat out on the activities again. Baby. The plan was to pretend to fight Luna in the dungeon corridor after potions. I would wait for Luna's signal, then the altercation would begin. Snape would emerge to see what the trouble was, then hear my self-appointment as the official defender of his virtue. Hopefully, it would go off without a hitch.

Yesterday in potions class I remained inconspicuous, earning a few puzzled glares from Professor Snape. I was saving up my energy for the mock fight with Luna, who was sitting on the other side of the room. If we seemed like we were disagreeing with each other, then our little altercation would be more authentic.

In almost no time at all the bell was ringing and everybody was leaving class. Luna was the first one out, and I followed her soon enough. She stayed a good distance away in the corridor, waiting to give her signal. I was ready to carry out the task when someone bumped right into me and almost made me drop my bag. I turned around, a scowl on my face, to snap at whoever happened to be the culprit.

Persephone Wyatt. Disgusting Whore. "Oh, sorry! Teehee!" And yes, the "teehee" was actually said aloud. She got this dumb blonde puzzled expression on her face and brought her index finger up to poke her chin. "You know, you hang around Snape an awful lot."

"I noticed," I replied flatly.

"Why do you fancy him so much? I'll bet it's something good."

"It isn't."

"Is he rich?" I rolled my eyes.

"He's a teacher."

"But he's a pureblood, right? They're all rich! Except the Weasleys, that is."

"Sure."

"You know," she went on, starting to sound kind of sly, "the more I think about it, the more I realize that Snape's an untapped resource." I nearly dropped my books.

"...What?"

"You know, Page, you're not so dumb after all! I mean, picking up on something like that so early in the game- good for you! Now, if you'll kindly step aside, I think it's time you left an expert to do the job." I was outright staring, open-mouthed.

"You're going after him?"

"Of course! Oh, imagine the things he could buy for me! And you know, it can't be that hard. He's got to be some poor, lonely soul deep down, right? Wish me luck!"

"You tramp!" Just as Professor Snape was walking out of the room, and Luna was giving the signal.

"Oh, hello, Professor!" the bimbo chirruped in a falsely sweet voice. "That lesson today was so interesting!"

"Don't you walk away from me, you cheap floozy!" I stepped forward, grabbed her by her uniform's tie, and yanked upwards. "I won't let you put one tart-infested acrylic nail on my Severus!"

"Huh?" Professor Snape asked, looking rather lost.

"Get your grubby little paws off me, you dirty tomboy!" she snarled back, slapping me.

"Now you've crossed the line!" I let go of her tie and punched her with all my strength. She tried to jump back, though, so I got her in the (fake) breast.

"Oof!" She stumbled backwards into the wall. "Those were expensive you uncivilized neanderthal!"

"Get ready for a jaw reconstruction, gold digger!" I lunged at her and grabbed her by the hair, throwing her on the ground and landing a kick in her stomach. Hey, my Dad taught me to fight, and Pages fight dirty. Heheh, thank God for steel toe boots.

"CAT FIGHT!!!!!!!!" sounded from the milling crowd, and soon there was a mostly male audience cheering us on.

"Er... No fighting," Professor Snape protested, though he still seemed rather stumped.

"Stay out of this!" I ordered. "I'm defending your virtue from this diseased, cock eating whore!"

"Wanker!" she snapped, kicking my legs out from beneath me and sending me tumbling. Snarling, she crawled on top of me and started pulling my hair. "I'll show you who's the whore!"

"Your boobs are saggy bags!"

"At least they exist!"

"RARHH!!!!" I yanked on her ears, then flung my leg up and kicked her right in the crotch. And, contrary to popular belief, it really does hurt an extraordinary amount when you're hit in the vagina bone.

"Augh!" She rolled off me, clutching herself. I stood up and stomped down on her stomach, knocking the wind out of her, then dragged her up by her nipples. Ah, that was fun. "AIIEEEE!!!" The nips hurt a lot, too. "LET GO, DYKE!"

"YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT!! YOUR MOTHER LICKED MY PUSSY AND SHE LOVED IT!!!!" I slammed her against the wall and gave her twin purple nurples. "SHE SAID, 'OH, DAMN, THIS IS THE SWEETEST THING I'VE EVER TASTED!!!!!'"

"RAAAAAHHH!!!" She flung her claw-like nails at me and scratched both sides of my face, causing me to stumble back, rather shocked at the blood that was dribbling down my neck. "HOW DARE YOU!? YOUR MOTHER RUNS AROUND TOWN WITH MY FATHER'S PARTNER AT HIS LAW FIRM!!!"

"BITCH!!!" I punched her again, and this time I got her right in the jaw. She fell like a sack of potatoes, and didn't get up. Hah, I always keep a promise.

"Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod!" one of her girly little friends shrieked. "You manly brute!" I punched her out, too. You know, just for good measure.

"Jesus bloody Christ, Nadia!" Professor Lupin pushed his way through the crowd, followed by Professors Snape, McGonagall, and... Dumbledore. I sensed that I was about to face a very sincere punishment.

"Jesus fucking Christ is right," Professor Snape muttered under his breath. I shrugged, wiping some of the blood off my face.

"It's just a flesh wound," I replied. I was stared at a bit before I took note of the two unconscious girls on the floor. "Er... Well, they'll be alright."

"Miss Page!" Professor McGonagall looked outraged. Maybe because the other girl whose name I couldn't quite remember was a Gryffindor. "How dare you show such a flagrant disregard for school rules! And fist fighting! It's most unlady-like!"

"I was defending Professor Snape!" I protested. All eyes turned to Snape, who was covering his face with his hand and looking very embarrassed.

"That isn't true," he grumbled. "I don't need defending."

"But Wyatt was moving in on him! I couldn't have it!" Now there were several raised eyebrows directed towards me. "She's just a trampy little gold digger, anyway," I muttered. "And she struck first. Plus, she made me bleed. I don't see any bleeding down there."

"I don't see any movement, either," McGonagall snapped. Professor Dumbledore, meanwhile, had been scrutinizing the scene the entire time.

"Nadia, after Madam Pomfrey has taken care of your injuries, we'll have to have a talk." Fuuuuuuuuck. "In the meantime, Professor Snape will be happy to accompany you to the infirmary." I could see Professor Snape's expression, and it was definitely along the lines of "fuuuuuuuuck." So, I pushed through the excited crowd with Professor Snape, while Professor Lupin worked on getting Wyatt and her friend onto stretchers and McGonagall broke up the mob of students. We walked in silence for a few minutes, until Professor Lupin caught up to us with my victims.

"Gods, Nadia, what were you thinking?" he muttered. "This girl has a broken jaw!" HAH! I knew it.

"Well, let's just say I was blinded by a jealous rage." Professor Snape turned a bit red.

"You really do take after your father," he muttered, handing over a handkerchief.

"Though with a bit less grace," Professor Snape added quietly.

"Thanks," I replied, cleaning off my face and neck with the handkerchief. "You want this back?"

"Go ahead and keep it." More silence loomed. "Did he teach you to punch like that?" Professor Lupin suddenly asked, finally breaking through the sound barrier. Harhar.

"My dad, you mean?" He nodded. "Yeah." I wiped at my face with the handkerchief again. "He said I could use it if a boy tried to move in on me." I sighed; Dad was always a bit overprotective when it came to dating. "Professor Snape was excluded, of course."

"Of course," Professor Lupin agreed. Professor Snape grumbled something I didn't quite catch under his breath, though I could swear he mentioned pirates. "But you can't go around fighting everyone who rubs you the wrong way," Lupin added reproachfully.

"Yeah, but she had it coming." I wiped my face again. "Her and that empty head of hers. Harumph." Professor Snape looked as if he was trying not to smirk.

"Just like Nathanyel," Professor Lupin muttered, obviously not finding this a very encouraging fact.

"No," Professor Snape argued, really quite suddenly. "No, that's not true." Lupin raised his eyebrows a bit, but remained silent. I chose to do the same.

It wasn't much longer before we were in the hospital wing, and Madam Pomfrey was fussing about how reckless children are these days. I soon found myself in bed with bandages on my face and the two professors muttering to each other just out of earshot. A few more minutes, and Dumbledore had entered the scene. As I expressed earlier: fuuuuuuuuck. He muttered along with the other two before heading for me. I gulped. "Ah, Miss Page."

"Am I expelled?" I blurted out.

"No, no, you aren't." I let out a relieved sigh.

"That's a relief."

"Indeed it is. However, I will have to ask you to serve a week of detentions with Professor Snape. It should give you some time to straighten things out a bit, I daresay."

"Yes, that's true."

"I've informed Professor Snape that your detentions will serve as conferences. You and he are to talk and get to know both yourselves and each other much better. You'll need to take notes, as I expect two feet by the end of the week about Professor Snape." A report about Professor Snape. Heaven! "I'll require personal information, past experiences, personality traits, and evidence to support your arguments. Understood?"

"Yes, sir!" I answered, perhaps a bit too enthusiastically.

"Very good. I'll expect you to begin tomorrow. Professor Snape will set the time."

"Alright. Thank you again, for keeping me on." His eyes glittered a bit, with what looked vaguely like mirth.

"It's really my pleasure. Now, I really must be going. That latest challenge really has me stumped." He ran his fingers thoughtfully through his beard.

"Just be creative," I advised. "I wrote about Professor Snape dressing up in make up and singing along to 'Ziggy Stardust.'" He grinned.

"Ah, exquisite. Though, I don't think that's too far from the truth..." Humming a bit, he walked away, murmuring to himself about ideas for the latest challenge. After he'd gone, Professor Lupin came to talk to me.

"Alright then?" I nodded.

"A bit sore, but I'll live." Silence. "Is she going to be deformed?"

"No, I'm afraid not. However, there is something rather peculiar..." I raised an eyebrow. "You left a dent in her breast." I sniggered appreciatively.

"Oh, how sweet it is!" Professor Lupin cleared his throat.

"It isn't funny, Nadia," he scolded. I tried to look at least a bit sheepish, but I don't think I was pulling it off very well. "Someone could have gotten seriously hurt."

"A broken jaw doesn't count?" He sighed.

"Yes, but... I think you're missing the point." I tried to think of what the point might be.

"...No fighting?" I guessed. He sighed again.

"I really shouldn't even bother," he muttered, rubbing his forehead.

"I'm sorry," I said quickly. "I know I shouldn't let my temper get the best of me, or act so demented over Professor Snape. I realize he doesn't much care for it, but as I explained before... It's my duties as acting officer of the SSS."

"You really should forget the whole idea," he advised.

"I can't," I insisted. "We're almost through, anyway. You won't tell, will you?"

"I won't, as long as you do." There was a long silence between us in which a staring contest proceeded to take place. "Werewolves don't need to blink, ever."

"That's not true." About five more minutes passed, and I started to doubt my denial. Finally, I gave in. "Fine. I'll tell him. Hell, I'll even give him the journal. Satisfied?" He blinked, but didn't open his eyes.

"A bit," he replied tightly, trying to pry his eyelids open with his fingers. I laughed. "By the way, Severus wants you to drop by his office around half past seven." He at last got his eyelids open again. "For every detention. He was too embarrassed to tell you himself.'

"Thanks." So, that was settled.

Today, all I could think of was the detention. Ginny tried to convince me to do another task during it, but I refused. I just didn't want to ruin my chances of finding out Professor Snape's innermost secrets. When it was time to go, I was so excited that I peed all over myself. But not really.

"Professor?" I entered the office, looking around. Professor Snape was seated at his desk, a chair stationed at the other side.

"Sit," he ordered primly. I sat.

"So." His lips thinned, but he said nothing. "Let's get started."

"I'd rather not." I ignored him.

"Hmmm... I know! What's your middle name?" A low growl escaped his throat, and he glared at me. Ah, so I'd already stumbled onto dangerous ground. "I'll bet I can guess."

"Hmph," was the only reply. I pondered for a moment.

"Sirius?" Another growl.

"No."

"Orpheus?"

"No."

"Joseph?" I was joking, of course, in using the male counterpart of my own middle name.

"No." Apparently, he hadn't noticed.

"Nevio."

"No."

"Walter."

"No."

"Harry." A loud snort.

"No."

"Ginny!"

"No!"

"Julio."

"No." He was clearly becoming agitated.

"Alfonso." There was a deafening silence in the room, and I could tell I had hit the bull's-eye. I couldn't believe that I had actually guessed it, let alone that it was Alfonso. "Alfonso?" I repeated, unable to stifle a bit of laughter.

"Another topic," he hissed.

"Alfonso!"

"Ten points from Ravenclaw! And if another living soul hears-"

"Alright, Professor," I hurriedly agreed. "But you know... That makes your initials S.A.S." He gave me a blank stare. "Sass."

"Miss Page..." he warned in a dangerous tone.

"Alright, Professor." I sat and thought for a moment of what topic to try and breech next. Perhaps talking about myself would prompt him to open up? "What was your first kiss like?" He stiffened, his hands forming tight fists. I hadn't meant to bring something like that up, but... It was the first topic to come to mind. "Mine was rather awkward," I said, before he could start taking more points away. "With a Slytherin boy, a year older." I paused for a moment.

"Draco Malfoy?" he guessed, sounding melancholy.

"No," I answered. "Blaise Zabini." He blinked.

"Zabini?" He raised an eyebrow. Well, at least I had the man's interest.

"Yes. We were fighting, next thing I knew... Smooch! Come to think of it, Blaise and I never entirely got on together. He was a very contrary person, you know." He looked at me evenly for a few moments.

"I see." Well, that was disappointing.

"...What about you, Professor?"

"What?"

"Your first kiss."

"I'm not telling that to you." Bastard!

"Not anything?"

"It was bad. Now stop badgering me about it." Alright... I supposed it was time to move on to a safer topic.

"Would you like to pick a topic?" He crossed his arms and glared at me. Sullen, silly man. I thought of a topic that might appeal to him- perhaps Quidditch? "Did you play Quidditch for the Slytherin team?" I asked.

"I was a beater," he answered, sounding a bit pleased.

"Were you good?"

"Would I have gotten on the team if I wasn't?" he asked scathingly.

"You seem kind of thinly built for a beater." Beater, heheh.

"Apparently so."

"When did you join the team?" He hesitated.

"Seventh year," he grumbled.

"That's a bit late, isn't it?"

"I suppose so," he growled dangerously, sneering.

"How long did it take you to perfect that sneer?" My question was answered with a noise that sounded too menacing for me to want to pursue the topic. "Were you popular in school?" I asked.

"No," he snarled. This was obviously a sensitive topic for him.

"I've never been, either," I answered. "Ginny's the only person who's 'high on the social ladder' and actually treats me civilly. It's not that I mind, really. The rest of them are snobs, anyway." I just wish they'd stop torturing me about every tiny thing. Especially my feelings for Professor Snape. Those bitches will pay... Speaking of Professor Snape, he was silent, but he didn't seem quite as angry as before. So, I continued. "I'm glad I'm in seventh year, now. It means I don't have to be bothered by older students. There was this one girl, Padma Patil... She was such a snotty little brat." I frowned to myself. "Once she purposely ruined my entire potions essay and spilled all my black ink. I had to borrow someone else's ink and write the whole four feet over with- with-" I shuddered. "Pink."

"I believe I took points off for that." He seemed slightly less pleased with himself than I would have expected.

"Yes," I answered sourly. However, my disposition brightened when I remembered the following day. "I got her back, though. I jinxed her wand while she slept, and the next day everyone in her year was talking about how she turned everything she tried to charm or transfigure pink. And how she turned... well, you... pink. Got fifty points from Ravenclaw and a week of detention." I sat for a while, relishing my victory. "And a zero for the day. She was bawling her eyes out after classes, and I laughed right in her face!" Then I proceeded to laugh. The memory of that wonderful day still filled my heart with vengeful joy. However, I stopped when I realized how immersed in my tale I had been, and flushed a bit at seeing Professor Snape staring at me.

"I did not enjoy being turned pink," he muttered, frowning. However, his frown diminished after a moment. "Though, I did enjoy making Miss Patil cry." I grinned wildly; progress is a wonderful thing.

"Did you do things like that in school?" I asked carefully. He chewed on his lip for a moment.

"I did. But I'm not going to tell you anything."

"Oh, poo." There was a long silence. "Now what?"

"I have no idea," he snapped. "Has it been two hours yet?"

"Not even close." He growled lowly.

"Talk about yourself, then."

"Alright. Erm... Interests, yes. Well, I've always been fascinated by pirates-"

"That much is obvious," he snorted.

"Apparently so," I agreed. "I like to write stories. Mostly about men. Together."

"Yes, I'd gathered as much." That tick in his jaw was going off.

"Let's see... Erm... My mother's side of the family is Greek."

"I know."

"Well, by all means, you tell me my life story!" I snapped irritably. He raised an eyebrow. "Are you quite finished, then?" He nodded, looking close to slightly amused. Almost. "My godfather-"

"Was almost me." That made me shudder a bit.

"You shut up, now!" I insisted. He looked as if he was enjoying interrupting me at every sentence. "My godfather is NOT YOU, but my uncle. His name is Kristophoros, but we call him Kristo because the whole name's a mouthful, wouldn't you say?" He looked as if he would. "Don't. Anyway, he's a priest, an alcoholic, a complete lech, and a beekeeper. But he's a nice person, really, even if he does always forget to shave and smells like brandy, only a bit sweeter from the honey." Professor Snape remained silent. "Were you really almost my godfather?"

"Yes. I turned the offer down, of course. And, having been forced to spend most of the year in your company, Miss Page, I'm rather glad I did."

"Thanks," I replied. "My aunt is a gold digger, but she's nice enough if you're not within her sexual preferences or prospective financial bracket. My mother is a neurotic in desperate need of Prozac, though she's an excellent cook. I'm sure you know my father well enough, seeing as you were frolicking through fields of hypodermic needles for the duration of your school days-"

"I'll not tolerate that tone from you," he warned with a sneer.

"Goodness gracious," I proclaimed blandly. "Anyway, where was I?" He let out a low growl. Sexiness. "Oh, right, my dad. I was thinking about that and, you know, you owe me."

"Owe you what?"

"Information about my father that doesn't involve some sort of serious crime." He glared at me. "Fine, don't tell me. I'm sure Professor Dumbledore would be interested to know about your insistent silence."

"Alright. He used to sing like a fwooper. The impression was uncanny, but after a few hours people were shooting silencing charms at him."

"He still does that," I groaned. "He has a pet fwooper, too. He absolutely loves the things. He's a real bird person, but fwoopers are his favorites." My father can be rather embarrassing. "My mother's had to go to St. Mungo's five times that I can remember for rehabilitation." I could see a slight smirk starting to form on the professor's face. "I remember once," I continued, "he cast a dung producing charm on her mop. She nearly went mad when she tried to mop the dining room, and started screaming at him. He told her that he'd done it because the dining room floor needed to be fertilized so more chairs could grow." I chewed my lip, dwelling in the memory. "Ginny's father was sent in from the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts department, and had to file a full report. The next day, the incident was in that damned 'wacky story of the day' section of the Daily Prophet. The next week, when I went back to school, I was tortured about it until Halloween."

"He always was completely batty," Professor Snape muttered. "I remember he enjoyed the sensation of passing through a ghost. The Bloody Baron avoided him like the plague." He chewed his lip and I waited for more. "And he claimed that he could never lose a game of chess, as long as he played with his feet. The pieces didn't appreciate it, though." One could imagine.

"What else?" I asked.

"Once he went through Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them and folded two of every animal in the book out of paper, then put them in the common room at night and animated them. He called it Slytherin's Ark. Our head of house called it a disaster and nearly expelled him." I shook my head.

"He has an 'Origami Room' in our house." It's actually quite a magnificent room- my father folded everything in it from colored paper, and he adds to it all the time. Origami was always one of his more prominent hobbies. "Anything else?"

"Plenty. His fourth year he bred puffskeins in an abandoned classroom because he had a cold. When it cleared up he set them free throughout the school, but he always kept one with him to lick up his bogies." My father is a freak. "One night I woke up and found one practically halfway up my nose." He grimaced. "Nathanyel named it Severus after that." I couldn't help but laugh, though Professor Snape didn't seem to appreciate it.

"That reminds me of the time he let some pigeons breed in the attic." I sniggered a bit. "When Mum went up there to clean, she completely lost it. I was trying not to laugh as the whole flock chased her around the house, though Dad wasn't trying at all." Professor Snape seemed to enjoy that little story. "Have you ever met my mother?" One couldn't be too sure. And, I was right about that; his face darkened and he scowled.

"Yes," he growled. "I don't much like her."

"Really? I hadn't noticed." He grunted. "So were you and Dad best buds or something?"

"Along those lines, I suppose."

"Went around making mischief?"

"Perhaps. Well, that's two hours, then." I blinked.

"Nooo."

"Yes." He pointed to a very complex and difficult to read clock on the side wall with five hands. "Good night, Miss Page."

"You too," I replied, not bother to protest.

Upon reaching my dormitory I flopped down on the bed with a long sigh and masturbated. No, kidding. That would be disgusting, because I'd just finished a conversation mostly about my dad. I just, you know, dropped dead. And wrote. Now I'm going to pee all over the ceiling.

* ~ May 20 ~ *

Last night was my last detention/conference with Professor Snape, and my essay is due in five days, but I'll get to that later. This week was filled with fun conversations and a visit to the hospital wing. It wasn't Professor Snape's blood pressure, though, so that's good. Anyway, I'll start from the beginning.

The day after my first little talk with Professor Snape, I had Arithmancy first thing, but I took far too long eating breakfast, so I was the last to class. The only empty seat left was next to Colin, so I sat down and avoided looking him in the eye. Unfortunately, the professor felt the intense desire to pair us up for some of the more difficult problems, and so I found myself working with him. "Hey, Colin."

"What?" He didn't seem much in the mood to talk.

"How're you feeling?"

"I'm feeling busy. This work is very difficult." I nudged him a bit.

"Oh, come on."

"I'd rather not."

"Why are you being so short with me? It's not like you're perfect, or anything."

"Shut up," he muttered. "I'm trying to work."

"You sound just like Professor Snape," I whispered back, quickly jotting down a few random numbers when Professor Vector looked our way.

"Good, maybe now you'll like me better."

"Don't be that way." Professor Vector was starting to look suspicious.

"I can be however I want."

"Well..." I looked around at the professor before starting the problem. "I miss you. So don't be angry forever, alright?" He only grunted. Well, at least that was some progress. I think. Perhaps.

Then, at lunch, Luna, Ginny and I went outside to eat by the lake. At which time Luna presented to me a pair of handcuffs and a key. "It's for the new task," she informed me, handing them over.

"Explain," I replied, pocketing them.

"You're to handcuff yourself to Professor Snape and swallow the key," Ginny answered. "But don't worry, we have a spare. Anyway, Snape's walking around on the grounds as we speak, so we thought you could go and do it now." They both looked up at me rather hopefully. With a long-suffering sigh, I stood up.

"Alright," I grumbled. "But don't be getting so heavy with the tasks, you know I've got to study for N.E.W.T. exams."

"There he is!" was Luna's response. I followed her pointing finger to see Professor Snape prowling across the grounds, heading for the Quidditch pitch.

"Alright, Nadia..." Ginny breathed excitedly. "GO!" I hesitated only a moment before I went sprinting across the grounds, right up behind Professor Snape, and jumped at him, knocking him to the ground. Holding him down, I snapped one side of the handcuffs around my wrist.

"GET OFF ME!!" Taking a deep breath, I took the other side of the handcuffs and snapped the bangle around his wrist. Then, before he could protest, I swallowed the key. And the bell rang for afternoon classes.

"There. Now we'll never be apart!" His stared at me with his mouth hanging open. "Haha, just kidding. I have a spare key."

"YOU'RE INSANE!!!"

"I know. It's funny, isn't it?"

"NO!!"

"I'm gonna get to see you nakies."

"Oh my God." He looked absolutely horrified. "HELP!! SOMEBODY HELP!!"

"Aw, isn't that cute? You're struggling! C'mon, I'm feeling sort of grubby; let's go take a bath together!"

"HAGRID!!!" I started to drag him off. "HAGRID, CAN YOU HEAR ME!? HELP!! HELP!!!" Apparently, Hagrid couldn't hear him, because nobody came to his aid. "That's it!" He took out his wand, which I snatched from him immediately. Apparently, he hadn't been expecting me to try to take it.

"Naughty, naughty, Professor!" I winked.

"You can't do this to me!"

"Oh yes I can!"

"That's enough!" He snatched his wand back. "Alohomora!" Nothing happened to the handcuffs. Oh, thank the lord for Ginny and Luna. "Argh!" He tried a few other spells before giving up and glaring at me.

"It's not that bad," I informed him. "At least now we get a head start on the next detention, right?"

"We're going to the infirmary." Wow, that was a surprise. I know how much Professor Snape despises the infirmary. "Come on." He tugged the handcuffs, then started walking. Naturally, I followed him.

"This is kind of funny, don't you think, sir?" He growled.

"Why couldn't you do this to Creevey?"

"Colin and I broke up." He said nothing as he examined the ground, while I slowly inched closer to him. After a while, he growled lowly.

"Alright, why?"

"Hm?" I looked up, surprised.

"I can tell you want me to ask. So, why did you and Creevey 'break up?'" He sounded like this was the last thing he ever wanted to be discussing with anyone, especially while handcuffed to me.

"Because of you," I answered simply.

"What?"

"You heard me." I picked a stray string off my shirt. "Colin's the jealous type," I elaborated, when he raised an eyebrow. "He still gets jealous now, and we aren't even together anymore."

"...Jealous?" It seemed as if this was a difficult concept for him to grasp.

"Shall I retrieve a dictionary for you, Professor?" I asked sarcastically. He blinked, then scowled at me.

"Five points from Ravenclaw," he snapped as we entered the castle. We walked along in silence for a few more minutes before I spoke up.

"By the way, you looked pretty happy in that sunflower field." He looked like I had just kicked him in the balls. "Where was it?" I'd kept that picture in the SSS book, so I could look at it very often.

"Nowhere," he growled tersely.

"Oh, don't be such a stiff. Besides, if you won't tell then I'll just ask Dad. He sent me a picture, you know."

"...Tuscany."

"Oh, wow. I didn't know you've traveled abroad, Professor."

"I have." He still seemed pretty uptight.

"That's where your nipples became sun kissed and chocolate, right?" I still remembered that little scene in the hospital wing, back in January. Speaking of which, we had arrived.

"Oh my goodness!" Madam Pomfrey came bustling up to us, looking extremely hassled. "What have you done to yourself now?" She glared reprovingly at Professor Snape, who glared right back and lifted our joined hands to show her the handcuffs. "How did this happen?" she asked menacingly. I pointed at Professor Snape.

"No!" he snapped, batting my hand away. "This is not my doing!"

"Never mind," Madam Pomfrey insisted in rushed tones. "Just get to those beds there- I don't know when I'll be with you, a whole Transfiguration class just came in-" Professor Snape opened his mouth to say something scathing- "Don't you dare, Severus! Now, go!" So, we shuffled off to a bed together and sat down.

"We could talk to pass the time," I suggested after a while. He sneered at me. "Really, though. If we talk now you won't have to put up with the detention later tonight." He continued to sneer, but in a more pensive way.

"Fine."

"Great!" I stared at him for a bit, waiting. "Alright. I'll start then." He snorted. "Did you have a pet?" Starting out simple was probably the best way to go.

"I had a fwooper for about a week when I was eight," he replied sullenly.

"What happened to it?" I asked.

"My father strangled it."

"Oh." Well, that kind of brought the conversation down rather early... Though, any mention of fwoopers reminded me of my father. "I had a kneazle that vomited whenever you used the word 'kettle.' It died of dehydration."

"I had a niffler that tore up the kitchens. It was stomped on by a house elf."

"I had a cornish pixie that the kneazle ate when I wasn't looking." It was starting to become a bit of a contest.

"I had a nest of doxies that cannibalized each other when I forgot to feed them."

"I had a dog named Old Yeller that I had to shoot with a muggle shotgun because he caught rabies." He stared at me for a long time. "Actually, that's not true. I saw it in a muggle film." He shook his head. "But I did have a dog that was probably put down. That's what they do when you return it to the kennel, I think."

"Hmph." He shifted in his place, then pursed his lips. I could tell that he was angry for having divulged such information.

"I bought my first vibrator when I was fifteen." Again, another one of those topics that was at the top of my mind. Professor Snape nearly toppled off the bed.

"Excuse me?"

"It wasn't a very good one. But you have to be of age to get one of those, with the penis shape and the rotating beads and clitoris stimulator. I got one over the summer, though, and it's very good- quiet, too." He seemed to be slowly recovering from his shock. "I don't really use it often, mostly for lack of time, but I like to start out by-"

"Be quiet you dunderhead!" he hissed.

"I'm sorry, Professor," I hastily replied in my most innocent tone. "Was I offending you?"

"No more talking," he grumbled, rubbing his temples. I opened my mouth, but before I could get a single sound out he interrupted me. "None. Whatsoever." I nodded. He shifted on the bed before turning around to face away from me. Every so often he would shift again, as if he were uncomfortable. Minutes piled up until I couldn't stand to sit anymore and leaned over, laying down on my stomach. My feet were touching the headboard and my face was incredibly close to Professor Snape's back. I wanted him to be naked so much.

"Can I talk yet?" I asked in a loud stage whisper. He jumped a bit, then turned around and nearly got tangled up with me, then fell off the bed with a yelp, dragging my arm with him. "Er... Sorry about that."

"You are an utter fool!" he snapped, standing up and brushing himself off.

"Well, you're an awfully snarky little thing, aren't you?" His eyebrows flew up at this statement; I suspected he hadn't really been expecting me to call him a "snarky little thing," and was rather put off by my wording.

"You are wearing on my nerves, Miss Page," he growled in a dangerous voice.

"There's no need to get angry over such a little thing, Fonzie."

"...Excuse me?"

"I said you don't have to get so angry over nothing." I conveniently left out the part where I called him Fonzie.

"Ten points from Ravenclaw."

"Hey, Professor, what happens when a house runs out of points and still gets points taken off?"

"I'm not quite sure," he snarled. "It's never happened before."

"I guess we'll find out soon, then," I replied.

"Harumph." He conjured a chair and sat down, looking anywhere but at me. Deciding that this would be the perfect time to study his jawline, I did so. Very, very nice... Hey, I have a thing about jawlines. So sue me.

I must have spent about an hour staring at Professor Snape and examining every part of his delicious self before Madam Pomfrey came bustling back, looking very annoyed. "Alright, let me see." She got between us and examined the handcuffs for a bit, then tried the same spells that Professor Snape had tried before letting out a little grunt of exasperation. "We'll need a burning solution for this." She then looked over at Professor Snape and raised her eyebrows expectantly. "Didn't you have one in the works?"

"Yes," he growled. "But it won't congeal for another eight hours."

"Well, then, you'll just have to wait here, won't you?" Professor Snape opened his mouth to protest, but instead was hit in the face by an old edition of "Witch Weekly" that Madam Pomfrey had tossed at him before running off to take care of the Transfiguration students. I was rather curious about them, actually.

"Insufferable old beast," Professor Snape grumbled under his breath, flipping through the magazine. After a few seconds he snorted and threw the magazine down on the bed. I caught a glimpse of my first year Dark Arts professor, Lockhart, on the page before it slipped onto the floor.

"You're always so grumpy," I commented listlessly.

"So it would seem."

"...I'm taking a nap."

I woke up to Professor Snape yanking at my wrist, and blurrily surveyed his lovely demeanor and Madam Pomfrey holding a smoking vial of something. "Wake up!" he hissed, and Madam Pomfrey scolded him for being too rough with me.

"Oh, wow," I groaned, sitting up. "Eight hours already?"

"Just get up!"

"Calm down," Madam Pomfrey chided. After I'd gotten myself properly awake, Madam Pomfrey performed some charms I wasn't really paying attention to on us, then forced us over to a big stone tablet on her desk. With a look of utter concentration, she carefully dribbled some of the steaming potion onto each bangle of the handcuffs, causing large portions of them to sizzle and dissolve. Since she'd put that charm on us, though, the potion just slid onto the stone tablet without even touching our skin.

After the handcuffs had come off was when the real trouble started. "Or for the love of-" Madam Pomfrey exclaimed. On our wrists there were identical red rashes. "Of all the idiotic things!" I raised my eyebrows. "Who- in what- I'm reporting this to Albus!" She bustled off, but Professor Snape, also quite put out, followed her. He only got about five feet before his wrist trailed out behind him and he was suddenly tugged back, falling straight onto his bum.

"MISS PAGE!!!" he bellowed, turning a strange shade of maroon.

"Er... Yes?" He looked as if he was tugging an invisible cord and then, suddenly, I was on the floor as well.

"LOOK AT THIS!!!"

"A binding charm, then?" I asked calmly brushing myself off.

"FIFTY POINTS FROM RAVENCLAW!!!" I was dying to see what was happening to the Ravenclaw hourglass at that point.

"DETENTION!!!" I screamed, flopping over onto my back. Professor Snape let out a long stream of swears, some of which I'd never heard before, until Madam Pomfrey returned with Dumbledore.

"Severus!" she scolded immediately. "Watch your language in front of students!"

"Indeed," Dumbledore agreed. "I would appreciate it if you stayed calm, Severus." It took him a few more minutes to run out of steam, but we (excluding Madam Pomfrey) waited patiently for him to stop. Eventually, he fell silent. He was still red in the face and panting slightly, and it made me think of naughty things. "Now, Miss Page, kindly explain what happened?"

"Well," I began, "I was just minding my own business, studying for my N.E.W.T.s, when Professor Snape wanted to talk to me. I agreed, of course, and soon found myself on the receiving end of a marriage proposal. I was unsure, however, because of our student-teacher relationship, so he slapped a pair of handcuffs on us and proclaimed that he wouldn't remove them until I agreed to marry him." I paused for effect. "And that is exactly what happened." Silence reigned supreme, and Professor Snape looked on the verge of another anxiety attack.

"Ah." Professor Dumbledore removed his spectacles and polished them a bit on his robes. "I see. And that is the precise series of events?"

"Yes," I confirmed. Professor Snape was starting to look murderous.

"This is preposterous!" Madam Pomfrey insisted. "Severus, really, your conduct this year has been atrocious!" Oh, Professor Snape was really angry.

"However, we must acknowledge Severus' wish," Dumbledore informed her. "Miss Page is well past the age of consent, and the school year is almost at its end-"

"ENOUGH!!!" Professor Snape suddenly burst out. "Albus, you know she's lying!"

"Ah, but do I?" Dumbledore had that twinkling in his eyes that was always a good indicator of him being amused by a joke that nobody else knew.

"YES, YOU DO!!! NOW GET ME OUT OF THIS!!!"

"Really, Severus." Dumbledore was trying to act reproachful, but failing miserably. He just sounded extremely entertained. "You should mind your manners, especially around young ladies."

"YOUNG LADY MY-"

"Ah-ah-ah!" Dumbledore cut him off. "No more swearing, now. Allow me to examine your marks more closely." Professor Snape, looking vaguely like a large, gangly lobster, shut his mouth tightly as Dumbledore examined the red marks on each of our wrists. After a few minutes, he straightened himself and polished his spectacles again. "It is just as I had expected," he informed us. "This is a very advanced binding spell." He didn't sound very convincing. "I'm afraid it will take us at least through the night to find the proper counter-spell. You'll have to stay in the infirmary until then." Professor Snape's mouth dropped open as he stared at Dumbledore, clearly outraged. "We can't very well have you sharing quarters for the night," was his response to Snape incredulity. He then turned to me. "You'd best watch out for yourself, Nadia. Severus is quite the scoundrel." He winked. Grinning, I gave him a little salute.

"You bet, sir!"

"And I'll be confiscating this for the time being." He somehow managed to get Professor Snape's wand in his hand. And no, not that kind of wand. "Have a good night, you two. And remember, this is a perfect opportunity for conversation." With that, he glided serenely out of the room, Professor Snape still staring at him.

"Alright, then," Madam Pomfrey said briskly. "I'll get some pajamas and dress robes for you two." She then fixed a beady-eyed glare on Professor Snape. "And you'll be separated by a privacy curtain, understood?" Professor Snape turned his half-disbelieving, half-affronted stare on her as she hurried off to get pajamas. I sniggered a bit behind my hand at the fact that everyone now thought that he was a depraved, sex-starved pervert.

"Miss Page," he whispered, voice full of barely suppressed rage.

"Yes?" I replied indifferently.

"Why?"

"Hm, no reason. I was just in a creative mood so I said the first thing that came to me. Pretty good, huh?" There was a moment's pause before he lunged at me.

"SEVERUS!!" He stopped just short of strangling me and slowly turned to face Madam Pomfrey, who had returned with sleeping clothes. "HOW DARE YOU SEXUALLY ASSAULT A STUDENT IN THE HOSPITAL WING!?" I took the opportunity to slowly back away. Pff, sexual assault, I wish!

"...Excuse me?" Snape snarled, baring his teeth.

"Stop acting like a depraved animal!" she shrilled at him, throwing the pajamas in his face. "If you can't keep your raging libido in check then I'm going to have to keep you under surveillance!" He looked ready to start shouting at her, but instead settled for giving both her and me identical dirty looks before he walked over to the nearest privacy curtain and slipped behind it to change. Madam Pomfrey watched the area with narrowed eyes for a bit before handing me my set. "Here you go, dear," she said kindly. "I know this must be absolutely horrible for you, but it will all be over soon."

"Thank you," I replied, trying not to laugh. I could see Professor Snape's silhouette stiffen behind the curtain, and knew that he'd heard every word of reassurance. Without a word, Professor Snape emerged with the hospital wing dressing gown tied tightly around himself in an attempt to hide the embarrassing striped pajamas. I went to change and noticed Madam Pomfrey keeping a close eye on Professor Snape, as if trying to keep him from sneeking a look at me. I suppressed another little chuckle. After I finished, she ushered us over to a couple of beds positioned beside each other, then ran off to check on the other patients.

"...You are the most horribly, disgustingly... I can't even think of a noun. There are no words strong enough to describe you. You simply defy definition."

"That's rather flattering of you, Professor," I replied. He glared at me from his bed. "Come here and give us a kiss."

"If I had my wand..." He trailed off, narrowing his eyes.

"Try to enjoy it," I advised. "You get a night off to just lie down and relax."

"Not while you're around." There was a long silence.

"You know, when you think about it, this whole situation is rather funny. Everyone thinks you're a dirty pervert and I'm the victim of repeated sexual abuse, when really, it's the other way around."

"I am not amused." I eyed him for a bit.

"I don't know how you ever managed to befriend my father, of all people." He raised an eyebrow. "I mean, you're so uptight. You act like you've got a hippogriff shoved up your backside. What did you two do? Did you just study all the time?"

"No." I waited for elaboration.

"What, then?"

"Sometimes we played gobstones."

"I'll bet you cheated."

"Ten points from Ravenclaw. You are an outrage."

"And you are an absolute sex god." Silence. "Sir," I added.

"Just... Go to sleep."

"I already slept. I'm not tired. Tell me what you did for fun in school."

"No."

"Are you still angry at me?"

"Yes!" I sighed.

"I'm sorry. I suppose I've been a bit of an ass."

"Oh, really?"

"Shut it. Anyway, I'm sure you've had worse. And at least I'm not doing anything out of hatred towards you, right? Sir?" He grunted and tucked himself in, grumbling curses under his breath. Giving it up as a bad job, I rolled over and went to sleep.

I'm not sure how long I was asleep, but when I woke up, Professor Snape was still swearing. As a matter of fact, his little monologue was what woke me up. "Bugger," I heard him mutter as I pretended to still be passed out. It sounded as if he was pacing. "Damn. It. All. To. Hell." I heard him walk to another part of the room, muttering under his breath. Then, he stopped, and the sound of rustling cloth filled my ears. I took a chance and opened one eye a tiny bit; he was facing away from me, taking something out of his dressing gown pocket. I couldn't see what it was, but he seemed rather interested in it. I closed my eye again as he started pacing once more.

I wondered just what it was that he found so interesting, but I wasn't about to ask. I felt the bed shift as he sat down beside me and it took all my strength to stay perfectly still as his body heat warmed me. "You're more trouble than you're worth, you know that?" he muttered. I heard him sigh, and then there was a clapping sort of noise... Kind of like a box or a spectacle case being opened and closed again, over and over. "Scratch that," he muttered after a while. "Your father is more trouble than he's worth." He then put on a falsely sweet voice that was actually a rather good impression of my father. "'I won't hold wizards' debt over your head, Severus, oh no, just remind you of it every bloody time I see you.'" He grumbled a bit. "'Oh, yes, I'm a former drug-dealer turned embezzler, but I can still be father of the year. Would you like to make daisy chains and play hopscotch, Severus? Or maybe I could just arrange a larger part of your future for you, that sounds fun.'" He reverted back to his normal voice. "Damn hypocritical, shrewd, conniving, overly cheerful, cock sucking bastard!" The box snapped shut particularly loudly and I heard him shove it back into his pocket. There was a long pause before he spoke again.

"You're not half bad when you're asleep, you know," he muttered softly. "Not even half bad. Not bad at all." He let out a short, bitter bark of laughter, then a long, heavy sigh. "I just really don't know what to do. I could kill Nathanyel for this, I really could. But then, you'd be angry with me, wouldn't you? I just can't deal with something like this. Not well, at least." There was a short pause. "Shit, what am I saying all this for, anyway? You're out cold. I should be grateful for it, though, since you'll probably act like a raving lunatic the moment you open your eyes. I'm going to kill Nathanyel! Honestly, the things he does on a sudden whim... Because he has one of his little feelings... I'm often the victim, if you'd believe it. It's always something with him. 'Hey, Sev, let's breed some puffskeins,' or, 'Sev, why don't we try to cure lycanthropy?' or, 'Come on, Sev, let's sell drugs to children!' Oh, and let's not forget the most famous of all, 'I've got a great idea! You can sign this contract and-'"

"'Chew." I sneezed. I didn't mean to. But I did. There was a long period of silence, in which he let out a low growl.

"Are you awake, Miss Page?" he asked dangerously. I shifted a bit and let out a small sigh, sloppily dropping my hand onto- ooh, his thigh... Oh, it's so nice and firm. "Silly girl," he muttered, though his tone was no longer quite as dangerous. He brushed my hand away before continuing with his monologue. "Dammit, why couldn't Nathanyel have had a boy? My life would be so much easier." He sighed. "No, no... Knowing him, that would just make things more complicated." He paused for a moment, apparently thinking. "Gods, I've never had such a conundrum on my hands. And Nathanyel really needs to get a life of his own and stop interfering with mine. What do you think?" He paused. "I knew you'd agree. You know, I'm starting to think this is a bit psychotic. Perhaps it's the fumes from the potions?"

He stood from the bed, and I heard him pacing back and forth. There was a long sigh and then he started to speaking to me as if I was awake, again. Which I was, he just didn't know it. "I remember one stunt he pulled... On the last day of term, my seventh year, at the leaving feast... I remember, Nathanyel snuck down to the kitchens beforehand and spiked everyone's pumpkin juice with acid. Including the staff. Damn, that was a good trip..." What a fucking junkie. Haha.

"Didn't know all you needed to be happy was some LSD," I muttered, groaning as I propped myself up. Professor Snape had apparently gotten warm in his thick dressing gown, seeing as it was crumpled on the floor, in the corner, and he was left in his infirmary issued striped pajamas, his hair tied back with a green ribbon that I could only suppose had appeared from nowhere. He turned a fetching shade of red, but I only grinned, probably looking drugged, feeling a bit sluggish from having just woken up and all. "There's something I've been wondering for a while, Professor. Perhaps you could clear it up for me. Are you or have you ever been a speed freak?" He growled.

"I've only tested for Nathanyel," he snapped, obviously aiming to cause me pain. Which he did. I winced.

"Low blow," I chided, sitting up completely, though I was still leaning my back against the headboard. He only grumbled something as he went for his dressing gown, quickly pulling it around himself. "You know, Professor Snape, I'm starting to think that I should just give up entirely on all Slytherins. After all, they all seem to end up hurting me..." I trailed off. Perhaps making light of my relationship with Blaise was not the wisest thing for me to do, in the respect of dragging up old memories. "Ahem. Sorry. You wouldn't know what happened with him, though, would you?" However, at the comment, he immediately averted his gaze, the color of his ears betraying him completely. "You know? How do you know?" He grimaced a bit.

"Nathanyel informed me of the circumstances. Besides, the entire Order knew... So many gossips and eavesdroppers in there, one could hardly remain oblivious." I wrinkled my nose; yes, they had all known, and not directly from Dad, either. I remembered how every time they thought I couldn't hear they'd shake their heads and say, "Poor girl," or, "Just fell for the wrong boy."

"Right. I should have remembered that." I crossed my arms, looking away. I honestly didn't want to see Professor Snape looking disgusted on my account... Again.

"...Are you..." A cough. "...Are you quite alright, Miss Page?"

"Fine and dandy," I answered stiffly.

"...You're sure?" I could tell he had suppressed the urge to add "I wouldn't want to lose my job" to it.

"Certainly. I wouldn't want to bother a busy person like you with my insignificant little concerns, anyway."

"Alright, good." He sat down on his bed, and the only sound for the following five minutes was that of a cricket incessantly chirping outside the window.

"I like to masturbate while I think of you giving yourself oral sex," I commented lightly, just to see if I would get a response. Unfortunately, I did.

"That's Nathanyel's specialty. Giving himself oral sex, I mean." I felt distinctly nauseous. EEEWWWWWW!!!!!!!!

"That was below the belt," I replied. "That was just really low."

"Perhaps it will inspire you to go back to sleep."

"No, it only inspires me to vomit."

"Well, then, you can vomit in your sleep." I stared at him for a bit.

"Alright, that's just wrong."

"Sleep." He punctuated the command by crawling into his own bed and rolling over. Giving in, I sighed and just stared at the ceiling for a while, pretending to be asleep. Eventually, the sound of snores started to drift over from Professor Snape's bed. Grinning, I jumped up and crept over to get a good look at him, sprawling with his limbs in every direction, mouth hanging open. Awww. It certainly helped me get back to sleep.

"MISS PAGE!!!!!" I woke with a start to see Professor Snape sitting up in bed, covering himself with the sheets like some sort of naked damsel in distress.

"SEVERUS!" Madam Pomfrey had come by to see what the shouting was about. "HOW DARE YOU!? LURING A STUDENT INTO YOUR BED IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT!!!"

"I DID NOTHING OF THE SORT!!!" he bellowed back. I took the opportunity to snuggle up close to him.

"Professor Snape was very kind to me," I informed Madam Pomfrey in a little innocent voice. "He stroked me until I fell asleep." She was mouthing wordlessly, going red in the face.

"NO I DIDN'T!!" Snape protested loudly. "SHE'S LYING!!"

"OUT!! GET OUT!!" Madam Pomfrey dragged him bodily from the bed and threw him towards the door. Unfortunately, due to Ginny and Luna's binding charm, I was thrown from bed as well. "Oh my! I'm sorry, dear!" Madam Pomfrey helped me up and tucked me back into bed. "AS FOR YOU!" She rounded on Professor Snape, brandishing her wand. Meanwhile, he was still on the floor with an extremely pained expression. "Petrificus ansatus!" His arms sprang stiffly to his sides, as if they'd been tied there. Madam Pomfrey then conjured an uncomfortable looking chair, placed it as far away from me as possible, and forced him into it. She then hurried off, presumably to inform Dumbledore of her discovery. Professor Snape glared daggers at me.

"I'll kill you," he hissed.

"You haven't succeeded yet," I replied apathetically, snuggling up in bed. "It's so nice and warm in here. I think you got the better bed." He snarled at me, baring his teeth. "Alright, hold on then." I got up, grabbed the sheets from my abandoned bed, and wrapped them around him. I then took my equally abandoned pillow and put it behind his head. "There we go." And I returned to my cozy perch. It actually had the effect of making him look like he'd been wrapped up in a cocoon. "Better?" He snarled again. Really, I was surprised he didn't bit me when he had the chance. "Oh, come on. It was just a joke." This didn't seem to convince him. "You've got to admit, the look on Madam Pomfrey's face was pretty priceless." Some reaction, but not much. "I mean, really. 'Severus! You filthy pedophile! Eek!' It was hilarious!" He grunted. "At least she didn't call you The Fonz." This statement was greeted with a sneer. "Don't be angry. We've still got five nights together, haven't we?" With his sneer still firmly in place, he managed to turn his chair around to face away from me. It looked like it was a lot of work.

"Ah, Nadia, Severus!" I looked up to see Dumbledore approaching, his eyes sparkling more merrily than ever. "Excellent news. We've got the counter curse."

"Thank Merlin!" Professor Snape breathed. Dumbledore surveyed him with mounting amusement.

"I see you're rather incapacitated at the moment, Severus. Madam Pomfrey informed me of the circumstances, so once I free you I must remind you not to do anything inappropriate to Miss Page."

"Does strangling her count?" I heard him mutter under his breath. Dumbledore acted as if he hadn't heard.

"Finite." Professor Snape threw the sheets off of himself and stood up, looking rather sour. "Nadia?" I got out of bed and joined them. Dumbledore then proceeded to take our wrists, tap each in turn with his wand and... "Finite incantatum." Professor Snape stared at him, his jaw tick going off.

"That's it?"

"Yes."

"It took you all night to figure that out?" Dumbledore nodded.

"Indeed it did." Without another word, Professor Snape stormed off to change into his robes, and once he'd finished that, proceeded to storm out of the infirmary. "Severus always did have a rather volatile temper," Dumbledore commented blithely.

"Yes," I agreed. "I hope he isn't angry for too long."

"Not to worry. He just needs some time to cool down. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've run out of sherbert lemons and I need to stock up. Good day." So, I left the hospital wing and made it down to the Great Hall just in time for a late breakfast. I also managed to corner Ginny and Luna there.

"Hey, that binding charm was genius!" Ginny, who had just been discussing that very subject with Luna at the Ravenclaw table, grinned.

"I know. It was Luna's idea." Luna smiled.

"I got the idea from the latest page nine article of The Quibbler."

"Well, it was fantastic." I ate breakfast and told them the story of what had happened before we went outside to enjoy the sunshine and review for the N.E.W.T.s.

In the evening, I went down to Professor Snape's office, but after several loud knocks there was still no reply. The door was locked, too. I concluded that he was still angry at me, and being a big baby, so I just went back to my dorm and finished off my homework for the week instead. Really, Professor Snape is so... Menstruate...ish... Never mind!

The next day consisted of more school work, homework, and studying for the N.E.W.T.s. It was very boring and tiring, but at least I was getting something done. Luna tried to thrust another task on me, but I refused and we compromised by writing another love letter. It was very, very steamy.

Once evening came, I journeyed down to the dungeons for my detention/conference, hoping that Dumbledore had talked some sense into that big galoot. I knocked, but there was no answered. However, I found the door unlocked, so I entered. Professor Snape was nowhere to be seen, but his desk was an utter mess. Curious, I approached, circling around behind it and staring down at the scattered parchments. There were photographs, too. Wrinkled, yellow, worn and handled, with writing on the back or borders. There was one in particular that caught my eye, and I picked it up to look more closely. It was a photograph of my father, sitting on some steps with his elbows leaning on his thighs. He looked very thin and small, about twelve, his clothes hanging around him as if they were too afraid to touch his skin. He was sharp and mean-looking, staring up at me with narrowed eyes and a mouth full of scowls. I flipped it over to see spindly, slightly messing handwriting on the back. Nathanyel; age 14. Just back from Japan. I turned it over again, blinking down at him. He tilted his head slightly and surveyed me cooly, then mouthed something I couldn't quite make out. He looked younger than fourteen, but maybe because he was just so small. And he looked much more shrewd than I'd ever seen him.

"Miss Page." I looked up and flushed at the sight of Professor Snape, lips thinned and glare fixed on me.

"Er... I was just looking at this." I held up the photograph, causing Professor Snape to raise both eyebrows.

"Oh."

"Is he really fourteen?"

"Yes."

"He looks so small." I observed the photo again. He winked at me. "He was back from Japan?" Professor Snape nodded. "Why was he in Japan?"

"He was staying with relatives." The answer was short, in clipped tones. "He was different, after coming back."

"I can see." I put it down. "You knew his family?"

"Yes." I glanced down at the desk again, and picked up a picture of Professor Snape. "If you like it that much, then take it. I have no use for it." I blinked a bit, then realized that he thought I'd picked up the picture of Dad again. I looked back down at the photo of Professor Snape. He was wearing a school uniform, with a beater's bat slung over his shoulder and sticking his tongue out at the camera. He was smiling, too, though. I turned it over; Seventh year, September; finally got on the Quidditch team.

"Alright, I will." I pocketed it without rectifying his mistake. Just another photograph to add to my growing collection, after all. "So what about his family, then?"

"Get out from behind my desk." He moved around to his seat and shooed me away, so I sat in the chair across from him; my usual spot.

"Tell me. Were they awful?"

"There's no point in dragging up the past," he grumbled.

"Alright, then what about your family?" He growled.

"Nothing about my family." He yanked a drawer open and swept everything off his desk into it. "Absolutely nothing."

"You were an only child, though." He raised an eyebrow. "I can tell."

"Thank you for informing me," was his sarcastic reply.

"Were your parents around? Did they travel? Or did they die?"

"They traveled. Enough of this!"

"The Headmaster said that you had to tell me aaaallll about your life so I can write it. Yes, yes?"

"No."

"Do you look like anyone in your family? Did you live in a big house? Lots of servants and house elves and whatnot?"

"I look like a lot of people in my family, my house is rather large, and there was a fair number of both, but they're all gone now." He glared at me. "Satisfied?"

"Tell me more about your parents!" I insisted. "Where'd they go? Did you get a lot of stuff back from trips? Are they alive?"

"They're dead!" he snapped. "Now drop it!"

"Deeeaaad. OooOOOoooOOOooo!!! Ghooooosssts!!" I wiggled my fingers dramatically.

"I'll kick you out if you keep that nonsense up. Ten points from Ravenclaw."

"So where did you live, huh? Somewhere dark and creepy?"

"I live in Hogsmeade," he grumbled.

"Oooooh, that must have been fun, growing up!"

"Not particularly." He crossed his arms.

"What's your problem, anyway? You're always so grumpy; you're just a big sourpuss, aren't you? Come on, smile!" I hooked my fingers inside my mouth and pulled it tight.

"Stop making faces!" he scolded irritably.

"I'm only trying to lighten the mood," I informed him. "Not working?"

"No."

"So... The Headmaster managed to even your temper out a little, I gather?" He sneered at me, but I just ignored it.

"You might say that." He didn't look too pleased with the direction the conversation was going in.

"You know, Professor, if you're this vague with me all the time then I'll never be able to write a decent report about you."

"Good." I tried unsuccessfully a few more times to get Professor Snape to talk more about his family, but I just ended up getting thrown out. It was rather disconcerting.

The next day was pretty fun-filled. Breakfast was... Interesting, to say the least. I have to admit, I was a bit naughty. I wanted to unnerve Professor Snape a little, since he was so bitchy about talking to me, and... While eating breakfast... Well... The sight of the tray of sausages gave me a very provocative idea. I took one and put it on my plate with the rest of my breakfast foods, then looked up at the staff table. Professor Snape seemed more involved in his meal than anything else, so I just stared at him, waiting for him to look up. Eventually, he did, and immediately made eye contact with me. Hah! Big mistake! Keeping eye contact, I slowly raised the sausage and slipped it into my mouth in a suggestive manner, sucking on it, if you could call it that, for a while. The whole time Professor Snape was transfixed in some sort of horrified fascination. His eyebrows flew up and his mouth fell open a bit as I put on the indecent display. Then, I slowly ran my tongue up and down the sides and swirled it over the very tip, watching him slowly turn a color closely resembling maroon. Then, I took the end of the sausage into my mouth again and bit into it, winking at him. Professor Snape blinked a bit, looking rather flustered, then scowled and snapped his head back down, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. I caught him shooting me very nasty looks for the rest of the meal.

Then, during break period, I just happened to run into Colin. "Hi, Colin!" I greeted jovially. He let out a long sigh.

"Hello, Nadia."

"Alright, there?" I asked, giving him a little pat on the back. He lurched forward a bit and scowled at me.

"Just fine." I grinned at him.

"Good to hear."

"I... Was meaning to talk to you." He was starting to look a little nervous now. "I thought... Well... I'm tired of being angry at you, now. I mean... It's kind of lonely spending most of my time with Denis. Irritating, too, by the way. Ginny and Luna are still around, but I don't see them as much, you know, the whole avoiding you thing."

"Yes, it must be very difficult." He grunted.

"So... I would like very much to be friends again." That was really good news to me. I missed Colin, as a friend.

"Oh, huzzah!" I pulled him into a hug, but let him go when he raspily exclaimed that he couldn't breathe. "This is great. Hey, let's hang out at the next Hogsmeade weekend. It's the last one of the year- our last chance to relax before exams, right?"

"Right. Yeah, that sounds... Good."

"Great! See you around!" Then I went to afternoon classes, which were... Boring beyond all belief. Review, review, review. After that, I skipped off to pay Professor Lupin a visit. I'd decided that the best way to find out more about Professor Snape's family would be to consult a third party, and since Professor Lupin was the closest one... Whoosh.

"Hello, Professor Lupin!" I greeted as I entered his office and made myself comfortable.

"Hello, Nadia."

"So I've got something important to ask." Getting straight to the point was always my style. "Do you know what Professor Snape's parents were like?" He raised his eyebrows. "I need to know. Professor Dumbledore wants me to write a report, and Professor Snape isn't cooperating." He looked a bit iffy on the subject. "Pleeeeaaassse?" Begging always helps.

"Alright." He brushed his hair out of his eyes and leaned forward a bit. "But you can't tell anyone else about this, alright?" I nodded in agreement. "And keep in mind that this is only what I heard from Nathanyel, so it might not be entirely accurate." I nodded again, ready to listen. "Right. Okay. Well, from what I've heard... His parents didn't even know he existed, most of the time."

"You mean they ignored them?"

"I mean they literally had no idea they even had a son." Oh, wow. That made me feel... Sort of guilty. For pushing the subject, and all. "Most of the time they were traveling, and when they were home they thought he was a servant boy. They fought a lot, too. Big, shouting rows right in front of him. And on the few occasions they actually recognized him as their child, they couldn't remember his name. Both very self-absorbed, his parents."

"Yes, it certainly sounds like it." And while we were on the subject of parents... "What about my father's parents? What were they like?" I figured it was my best chance of finding out.

"Oh, you don't want to know. Trust me on this, Nadia." Grrr! That's what Dad always tells me when I ask.

"Please tell me! I mean, I know they were dark wizards and horrible and everything, but really... I don't know anything about my dad's side of the family. I mean, you were there when I found out I was related to the Malfoys- it was certainly news to me!"

"I don't think Nathanyel would appreciate it."

"I don't think he's ever going to tell me anything. Please, Professor. You're my only hope." Princess Leia moment.

"...Alright. But I'll only tell you a bit of it."

"Yay!"

"You won't be so enthusiastic once I'm through telling you." I shrugged and wiped the grin from my face. I love it when Professor Lupin caves easily! "Nathanyel's parents, as you must know, were less than pleasant. Florian Page and Viole Malfoy... Well, as holds true with most pureblood couples from old families, they were really more concerned with themselves than each other. Though, I'll admit, they at least had the common courtesy to remember they had a child. He wasn't exactly what either of them had in mind, though, especially considering he was an only child.

"Florian was always furious with him. In his opinion, Nathanyel was... What was it? 'A worthless, muggle-loving ponce, unfit to bear the name of this family.' Or something along those lines. And Viole was always horrified by his lack of social graces and trying to... Refine him. He spent a lot of time with Lucius Malfoy. His parents thought that if they forced Lucius to look after him all the time, he might rub off a little on him. Well, Lucius did rub off on him a bit... But not exactly in the way they'd have liked. Though, all things considered, Lucius was pretty alright. Aside from the sociopathic tendencies and muggle-hating."

"What did his parents do for a living?" Professor Lupin gave me this look like 'fuck, don't you know?' He seemed to be weighing his answers in his mind.

"Well, Viole, like most wealthy pureblood wives, merely stayed at home and practiced her social skills. Florian, meanwhile... Well, he dabbled a bit in politics and... The family business." I waited for elaboration. "You see... Everyone who comes from a magical background, in our generation at least, knows that the Page family... They... Let's just say it's always been considered a very bad idea to get mixed up with them. And a worse idea to cross them. The Pages have a reputation for being among the most ruthless of the old families. Every single Page was always either an assassin, a mad scientist, or both. Florian fell into the third category. And the sciences they studied... Were hardly enjoyable. Especially for the test subjects."

"Well..." That was a surprise. "I suppose I've got a very sinister background, don't I?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so."

"Did you ever meet them? My grandparents?"

"Once." He bit his lip a little. "I stayed with Nathanyel a bit over the summer holidays, after my fifth year... It took him, his uncle, and Lucius combined to keep his father and grandfather from turning me into a guinea pig. It was a summer I spent looking over my shoulder." Oh, wow. It sounded comical, in a way, though I knew it wasn't.

"Well. Good to know. What about Professor Snape?"

"From what I gather, they tried the same with him. And Nathanyel kept him from eating anything at meals, since all his food was poisoned." I stared. "You see, before that, the Pages and Snapes had been feuding for over one hundred years. It was quite a surprise to see Nathanyel and Severus together." He paused for a moment, then blushed lightly. "I mean- I mean not together- like- like- but, well, you know." With an embarrassed groan he covered his eyes with his hand. "That's twice I've called your father queer."

"Actually," I corrected, "since the first time was a quote then that one doesn't count. So, really, you've only called him a queer once. And don't worry about it, anyway. People tend to do it an awful lot, especially when he gets in his girly moods."

"Oh God."

"I know."

"I love those moods." I made no comment. "I'm sorry." He turned pinkish again. "Hadn't realized I'd said that out loud." I tilted my head a bit, regarding him.

"You're rather strange today. Did something happen?"

"Nothing momentous." He seemed very happy about this thing that wasn't momentous.

"Did it have anything to do with getting laid?" I asked slyly. Hey, I was curious.

"Oh, no. Just... Tea with an old friend."

"An old sexy friend?" He grinned a bit.

"Perhaps."

"Alright, I get the hint. Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more." I winked.

"It was just a little harmless flirting. No need to get excited."

"Oh, so you've got the hots for this mystery man?" He let out a little chuckle.

"Alright, that's enough. You've got to study for exams, after all."

"I get it, you don't kiss and tell." So we said our goodbyes and I was off.

That night, in my detention with Professor Snape, it was difficult to get answers to my questions out of him. I told him about the time Uncle Kristo let me drive his car when I was ten and I nearly ran down the bishop, and the time that Aunt Roula brought over her rich boyfriend (who was about seventy) and he had a stroke in the middle of dinner. Still, his tongue didn't loosen. I needed some way to get him to tell me about his past... But how? I had no choice but to go to the only man who could help me. That's right. Him.

I wrote my father about my dilemma with Professor Snape (he always seems to understand these sorts of things, so I treat him as a confidante) and the very next day a yellow fwooper came swooping into the Great Hall, with two letters; one was for me, and the other was for... Professor Snape. I got a rather ominous feeling in my stomach as the fwooper (her name is Sweetheart) picked some food from his plate and flew off again, warbling her song all the way. I immediately ripped open my letter, reading it over.

"Don't worry about the letter I sent to Severus, Nadia. Your letter just reminded me that I hadn't written him in a while and I thought it would be nice to catch up." Woo, that was a relief. I went on to find a few important bits, and they were indeed important. "Severus has always been one for intellectual stimulation. Just get him alone and have a decent, non-sexual conversation with him, he'll think you're the greatest thing since pewter cauldrons." Alright, how do I do that? "He has a certain routine, and I'll be damned to the deepest circle of hell if he hasn't yet changed it. Every Friday, Saturday, and Monday he goes to the library for a few hours in the evening. I believe half past three until dinner time, you'll find him there, reading or brooding or doing something equally angsty, that little tit. He has a certain special place, and you'll have to keep it to yourself, because if anyone else finds out he'll kill me. Hell, if he finds out I even told you he'd kill me. In any case, go to the far end of the library, to the really thick volumes of old muggle and history books. You'll find a bookcase a few paces from the corner that doesn't quite match the rest, covered in cobwebs. There's a tiny crawlspace behind it, if you care enough to look, and when you squeeze through it you'll find that the wall is just an illusion, and you'll be led into a small reading nook. It's an excellent place for snogging, I'll add, and if Severus finds that I've told you about it, you tell him I said that." A small grin crept across my face.

"Interesting letter?" Luna asked, still absorbed in her breakfast.

"Indeed," I answered, turning back to it.

"Another place you'll catch him," Dad went on, "is in the prefects' bathroom. Since you're a prefect, I doubt you'll have any trouble finding it. Every Wednesday night, at one minute to midnight, he goes to the prefects' bathroom for a nice, long bath. He was a prefect in school, you know. Now, he's probably nicked the password from a Slytherin so he can sneak in there and hog the place. I think this would be a very forward and rather voyeuristic approach, but you could always claim that you came for a bath and had no idea he'd be there. It's not every day you find a teacher using a bathroom for prefects, anyway, is it? Also, Thursday and Sunday nights he usually likes to go out for a little fly. You could check the Quidditch pitch around eleven, but I really can't guarantee that he'll be there. Sometimes he used to take off over the Forbidden Forest, or take a little peek into the girls' dormitories. Perhaps you could wave that stubborn old peeping Tom over to your window somehow? Doubt your roommates would appreciate it, if they woke up, but let's be realistic- Luna's the only one who isn't a snotty little bitch, anyway, and I don't think she'd mind, do you? I don't think he ever found the Ravenclaw dormitories back in school, though it's undoubtedly what he's been looking for; so, if you see him and decide to call him over, don't call him 'Professor.' Mustn't give yourself away, eh? A nice list of things to call him by is: Severus, Sev, Bollocks, Tit, Sniffly Snufflepuss, Puffskein Pants, and Tinker Toy. Be forewarned: Many of these should be used with the utmost caution."

The rest of the letter was just a bunch of questions and the usual pleasantries. I had what I needed, though, and I decided to keep the letter some place discreet, until I memorized the Professor's schedule.

I was quite lucky that it was a Saturday, so I wasn't kept busy with anything that afternoon, and I had homework as an excuse to make a trip to the library at quarter to four. When I got there, I followed Dad's directions as best I could, and sure enough, I came across a bookcase that was mismatched and covered in cobwebs. And, sure enough, I was able to quietly squeeze behind it, into the crawlspace, where the wall was fake and I was led to a reading nook. And, finally, sure enough, there was Professor Snape, facing the opposite direction, sitting at a small table and immersed in some tattered old book, his hair pulled back into a rather fetching ponytail with a black ribbon. His robes were draped over an empty chair and he sat in only a crisp white button-down shirt and black trousers. He snorted softly, and for a moment I thought he knew I was there, but then I heard him mutter to himself. "Mermaids turning to sea foam, honestly, the things these muggles think up..."

Silently, I turned around, and picked out a rather promising book from the shelf. Treasure Island, how absolutely perfect. I walked over to the table and wordlessly plopped down in the seat across from him, opening the book and relishing the crackling sound the old binding made as I did so. I took in the smell of the book, a wonderful smell of old ink and aged parchment, then turned to the first page. I was three pages into the book before Professor Snape finally said anything to me. "Miss Page?" he growled softly.

"Yes?" I asked, not looking up from the book.

"What are you doing here?"

"Reading," I answered. "Imagine my surprise when I found you, Professor, of all people. You see, I usually come here on Tuesdays and Thursdays to clear my head, but I had a lot to think about today, so I thought I'd pop in. I'd no idea you knew about this place, too." It was a very smooth lie, made even more believable by my casual tone and the fact that I never once glanced up from my book, keeping a perfect poker face.

"And what are you reading?" he asked begrudgingly.

"Treasure Island," I replied. He scoffed a bit.

"I should have known."

"Well, judging by your muttering," I answered, "I'm pretty sure that you were reading The Little Mermaid." I paused to let my accusation sink in before I delivered another small blow. "I thought that tale was for little girls." The silence was almost deafening. I decided to drop the subject. "So, have you ever read Treasure Island?"

"Yes," he replied tersely. "Three times." Wow, that's a lot. "I've read all the books in this niche. This mermaid story is rather depressing, actually. Almost as depressing as seeing you." I ignored that last bit.

"I know, but muggles made another version with a singing Rastafarian crab and a happy ending. It's in the form of a muggle film, I'm sure you know what those are." He nodded, glaring faintly. How he managed that, I'm not sure. "It's directed towards children, but the scenery animation is stunning, the songs are quite entertaining, and it's really worth a watch, if you have the time or the resources." He raised his eyebrows.

"Oh?"

"Yes. Another good fairytale kind of movie is The Labyrinth-" He let out a soft groan and reached up to rub his eyes. "You know it?"

"Nathanyel," he answered, grinding his teeth a bit. "He sang. And he sang. And he sang. Back in the Order, last year. Dance magic, dance. He'd jump out from behind corners and shout, 'You remind me of the babe!' at me. In front of people. In front of the Weasley twins." He groaned again. "I'm willing to bet he's the one who told you about this place." I tried to mask my look of guilt, but he caught it. "I knew it."

"He says that it's excellent for snogging," I informed him, remembering my father's request.

"And I know exactly what he had in mind," Professor Snape grumbled.

"He also called you an angsty little tit," I added, just because I felt like it.

"I suspected as much, the great grinning git. You can tell him to stick a hypodermic needle up his arse and shit heroine, that-" He stopped abruptly, obviously spotting the look on my face at the reference to drugs. He cleared his throat a bit, looking uncomfortable. "Miss Page," he muttered, rather gruffly, "that business is all in the past. You should know that Nathanyel and... and I... regret it." He fell silent, turning his gaze back to his book. Apparently, the conversation was over for he was once again immersed.

I tried to read my book, I really did. But I just kept looking up at him. Though his hair was pulled back, a few loose strands hung in his face, and... God, those eyelashes were long and full. After a few minutes he snapped the book shut, stood and replaced it on the bookshelves, his eyes scanning over it. I took in his exquisite form, my eyes resting momentarily on that absolutely marvelous backside of his, when he gave a grunt of frustration. "Something wrong, Professor?" I inquired innocently.

"I've read all of these before," he growled, waving his hand dismissively as he turned from the bookshelf. "I need something new." Agitated, he turned back to the bookshelf and glared at it, as if it had done something wrong. I bit my lip to keep from sniggering, and, suddenly struck by inspiration, I pulled my bag out from under the table and dropped it on the polished surface, rummaging around for my latest read. "What are you doing?" he grumbled, crossing his arms. I didn't answer as I pushed the SSS journal out of the way (heh) and finally grabbed the book I'd been looking for. I dropped my bag on the floor and set the book on the table, before Professor Snape's unoccupied seat. He approached warily, staring down at the book as if it were a blast-ended skrewt.

"City of Bones?" he asked, raising an inquisitive eyebrow. I had just finished it the previous day, and happened to have it sitting in my bag, so I had no qualms about lending it to him. After all, I think he'd like it.

"It's a good book," I told him. "With excellent characters. I've finished it, so why don't you give it a try?" He slipped back into his seat, still staring at the book.

"This is a muggle book?" I nodded. He seemed to consider a moment longer before cracking it open and burying his nose in it. Mwahaha! So, I continued with Treasure Island and we sat together, quietly reading. It was very nice. After a long while, he marked his place, snapped the book shut, and stood.

"Have a nice evening, Professor."

"A pox on you." And he gathered his things and left.

That evening, though, he was willing to open up a bit more. He told me more about his school days and what he did with Dad. Apparently, Professor Snape was the one who taught Dad how to properly handle a broom. Although, that didn't turn out too well, as he informed me. He also mentioned Tuscany, and that he and Dad went to Greece as well. "Did you meet anyone extremely obnoxious there?"

"Yes."

"They were probably related to me."

He managed to tell me a sufficient amount about himself during the rest of the detentions, too. Finally, it came to tonight. The last night. Aww, sad. "Have a seat, Miss Page."

"I love you." Which was encoded as a secret message within, "Alright." I, however, didn't feel this was sufficient. "Professor, I just want to let you know that getting to know you over this past week has been not unpleasant." There we go.

"How flattering of you," he grumbled sarcastically.

"You're welcome. Anyway, I thought we could just spend this evening snogging."

"I'm afraid not. Ten points from Ravenclaw."

"You wouldn't be saying that if you knew how good a kisser I am."

"Another ten points. Now ask me something."

"Er... Hm." I thought for a long moment. "What makes you happy? And I mean really happy, not just like "yay" but more like boner-inducing. You know what I mean." He glared at me. "Well, not literally, of course."

"Not being near you makes me happy."

"Something more plausible." Haha, the look on his face.

"Brewing a difficult potion."

"Too predictable. Anything else?"

"Just-washed warm sheets." Oh, yum.

"Continue. Give me your top five." He rolled his eyes.

"Slytherin students turning out to be relatively normal individuals."

"Too bad Draco failed you there."

"Indeed. And being able to relax all day."

"You have one more to go." He seemed reluctant to answer, and muttered something that sounded vaguely like "Die, Albus."

"...Nathanyel. Happy?"

"Oh, most certainly." That is SO SWEET!!! AWWWWW!!!!!!! "Are you hungry?" He grunted. "We could go steal grape leaves from the house elves. I gave them my mother's recipe." He hesitated before swiftly standing up.

"If it will shut you up." But he seemed rather eager.

"Dolmades, here we come!" Whoopee!!

"You are a dolt." So, we sat in the kitchens and ate Greek food for the rest of the detention. This spurred on another series of stories from my childhood. There was the time that a fly laid eggs in my cousin's you-know-what and they started hatching at the beach, the time that Dad gave me a mohawk (I was five) and the time that Fred and George Weasley let loose a nest of bowtruckles in our house. That was rather mild, by their standards. Then again, they were only nine. In turn, Professor Snape told me about the time that Dad accidentally made Snape Sr.'s posterior... Explode. Wow, I would have been angry enough to use an unforgivable, too, to be honest. And then (now this scared me) about how when Dad was fifteen he hit on Professor McGonagall non-stop for a week. Apparently, members of the staff who were present at the time still make fun of her for it whenever he's mentioned. However, it all ended far too soon.

"Promise me you'll always hold these special times in your heart, Professor." He raised an eyebrow.

"I don't think so."

"Oh, you're cruel." We stared at each other. "Well, see you tomorrow, then."

"I certainly hope not." As soon as I got back to my dormitory, I got to work on that paper about Professor Snape. Plus, I had Professor Lupin and Dad as references as well. And, as they say, the more references the better! Now it's sleepy-time.

* ~ May 25 ~ *

A few things happened, but nothing big. I managed to forbid any more SSS tasks until my paper about Sexy Severus Snape was done, so I had plenty of free time to work on that. Plus, I got to talk to him for a bit again.

It was Tuesday, and I had felt like getting away for a while, so I thought I might as well turn my lie to Professor Snape into truth and go to that little reading nook in the library. I brought the Wizarding Wireless Network with me, and cast a silencing charm around the niche, then turned it to the muggle music station. Then, I grabbed Treasure Island from the bookshelf, then settled down and cracked it open. After about an hour of reading, I got a little fidgety and turned upside down in my chair, my legs draped over the back and my back against the seat as I held the book over my head, which was hanging off the edge. After a bit, I heard a shuffling as someone entered the nook, and waited for him *cough, cough* to say something scathing. There was a long pause... Longer than I had expected originally. Then, finally, after I'd gotten through another two pages, he spoke. "What are you doing?"

"You seem to ask that a lot," I answered. "Though, the answer always seems rather obvious. I wonder why you can't see it?" I kicked my legs a bit.

"I meant, why are you upside down?" I shrugged.

"I got fidgety, and I felt like being upside down." When he didn't answer, I continued. "Why are you here, Professor? I thought you didn't come on Tuesdays." He hesitated before answering.

"I need a break. Or should I check with you first?" I snorted. Professor Snape was not going to fool me with that tone. He just can't resist my sweet loving. "Well, I need some place that isn't infested with filthy brats," he snapped. "Although finding you here is a setback."

"Have you tried your quarters?" I suggested innocently.

"As if I want to look at your poor excuses for homework," he growled. He then groaned a bit as he dropped into his seat, which was punctuated by a "thump." "I've better things to do with my time."

"I see." I looked at him over the edge of my book; he was sitting across from me (upright, of course) and opening to his marked place in the book I'd lent him. He'd already shed his robes and had his shirt untucked, yawning a bit. Such a pretty man. I hid my smile behind my book, but he managed to see it, somehow.

"What are you smiling at?" he asked warily.

"I was just entertaining the thought," I replied idly, "that perhaps you had come to see me." He cleared his throat a bit at this and scoffed, but I knew that would be his response. "I'll let you get back to your book, then, Professor." I turned back to my book as he gave a grunt of acknowledgment, feeling rather tired. My grogginess had been the reason I'd wanted to find a place to relax... And that yawn really was contagious.

After a bit, I just dropped my book and sat up, leaning over the table and resting my head in my hands, watching Professor Snape. Suddenly, he looked up at me, raised an eyebrow, and smirked. I would have said something, but my voice seemed to be caught in my throat, for some reason. Slowly, he stood and walked around the table to me, then pulled my chair out and around to face him. Then- I was really astonished- he plopped down into my lap. Professor Snape was straddling me. He leaned down, still smirking, and gently brushed his lips against mine. My heart was racing and my breath was hitching, but it was so good. I felt his hand moving up my thigh, and then- I fell out of my chair.

"Oof!" Apparently, I'd fallen asleep in my chair, and had just slid off. I unceremoniously climbed to my feet, supporting myself on the table. When I caught sight of Professor Snape giving me a curious look, I'm certain I blushed a bit.

"Interesting dream?"

"Only because you were in it."

"I believe I'll disregard that," he grumbled. "And five points from Ravenclaw for making so much noise." Long pause. "I suppose I should ask if you're hurt."

"Well, it doesn't feel like it."

"Hm. Too bad." He turned back to the book and continued reading. After a few more minutes, I glanced up at him, chewing my lip.

"Professor?" He grunted. "I enjoy spending time with you." He hesitated, then slowly looked up, staring at me. He seemed rather confused.

"You... What?"

"I enjoy spending time with you," I repeated.

"Hmph." He turned back to the book, disregarding me.

"I'll take that as a 'thank you,'" I muttered, massaging my backside.

"It wasn't."

"Oh, suck my cock."

"Twenty points from Ravenclaw!"

"Suck my BIG BLACK COCK!!"

"Shh!"

"Who's back there?" The shrill voice of Madam Pince drifted along, immediately coaxing us to tense silence. We both sat perfectly still, holding our breaths, listening to her footsteps pass close by. There was some shuffling and muttering before the footsteps faded. It was a long while before either of us thought it safe to start breathing again.

"Ten points from Ravenclaw!" Professor Snape whispered furiously.

"I don't care!" I replied quietly. "And stop trying to look at my cock!" Hey, it was funny.

"I most certainly was never- ten points! No, make it twenty!"

"Old biddy." There was a long period of silence before I burst into laughter. This was just getting far too absurd.

"Well, at least someone is amused," Professor Snape grumbled crossly.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry- this is just too hilarious. I mean, it's ludicrous! Wouldn't you agree?"

"Not particularly."

"Augh, you're so contrary all the time. I'll bet if I was in a horrible mood you'd be absolutely giddy, wouldn't you? Actually, I know that for sure, because I've seen it."

"Think what you want."

"I'll bet my cock is bigger than yours."

"Shut up!"

"Oh yeah, I'm eighteen inches of redwood, baby!"

"Enough!" I chuckled a bit.

"Sorry. It's just so funny to see you get flustered like that."

"I am not flustered," he growled.

"Sure."

"Harumph." He went back to the book, which he was almost done with.

"Are you up to the part when-"

"Be quiet." I shrugged.

"Fine. I'll just sit here and read." Which I did. It was actually very comfortable, sitting with Professor Snape and reading quietly. However (and I was very disappointed) it wasn't long before dinner time rolled around, and I had to leave. "Goodbye, Professor. Don't forget to return that book, now."

"Uhuh. Right." He wasn't paying attention to me at all, of course. So, I spent most of my time revising for the N.E.W.T.s. Ugh, I can't wait until they're through. Sheesh.

* ~ May 31 ~ *

Only one new task was carried out so far. It was Colin's idea, actually. I had to leave bunches of ugly flowers in odd spots (like, for instance, in Firenze's Divination classroom) addressed to Professor Snape. They would be signed, "Your little sex kitten." We decided to use Professor Flitwick's handwriting in order to disguise my identity. It was rather funny to see Professor Snape's face when odd teachers would present him with the bouquets they'd found (especially Hagrid, hoho) and very amusing when Peeves started picking the flowers out of the one he'd found and bombarding Snape with them. He was singing a rude song he'd made up about the Professor and his apparent inclination towards the students (as in, me) as he did so, and even though I felt very bad for him, I still secretly found it hilarious. Eventually, though, I managed to lure Peeves away by telling him that Professor Trelawny was in the Great Hall, and just happened to be wearing frilly knickers. Which was true- I'd heard it from a bilingual Hufflepuff who'd translated from Ginny's Hunkalicious Stud. Plus, you know, I saw them when Peeves blew her robes up. Yuck. Anyway... Today. Right.

Today was the last day of May (duh) and the day of the Quidditch cup. I may not have reported most of the other Quidditch games, but as I've stated before, I'm not much of a Quidditch fan. Still, this was the final match, between Slytherin and Gryffindor, so I just had to watch it. I was feeling torn, really, between rooting for Ginny (she's a chaser) and the Slytherin team (Snape is sexy.) When I got to the pitch, Professor Snape was sitting in the Slytherin section and wearing a rather festive set of green robes, a conveniently empty seat beside him. Seeing my opportunity, I immediately occupied it. "How do you think the new seekers will measure up?" I asked jovially, plopping down beside him.

"I- go away!"

"Don't be so sour. Aren't you excited?"

"Not with you here!" I would have replied, but then a cheer rose from the crowd as the two teams walked onto the pitch.

"Go Slytherin!" I called out. "Knock 'em dead, Ginny!" Professor Snape looked appalled.

"Are you actually rooting for both teams?"

"Well, more like just Ginny. She's my friend, after all. Though, her aside, I'd prefer Slytherin to win. THAT WAS A FOUL!!!" Honestly, some of those new Gryffindor players actually play like Slytherins. Which isn't a bad thing, unless they're actually playing against Slytherin. I watched the game a few more minutes before Ginny managed to score a goal. All the Slytherins started booing and hissing. "Nice going Ginny!" Which I said very softly. Professor Snape snorted, but I ignored it.

It was another half hour, with Gryffindor ahead by twenty points, before the snitch was spotted. You could tell because... Well, it was right in front of Professor Snape and ourselves. And suddenly, watching the two seekers hurtling toward us, sitting in the front row seemed like an exceptionally bad idea. Especially since the new Gryffindor seeker had very poor broom control at high speeds. It didn't help that he had a Firebolt, either. The snitch, sensing it's predators, fluttered closer to us, then turn at a ninety degree angle and plunged toward the ground. The Slytherin seeker followed its path, but Gryffy boy seemed to be having a little trouble. Wonderful. "WHOA!" I grabbed Professor Snape, who'd had his eyes glued on the Slytherin seeker, by the collar and yanked him to the ground. A crash and several loud screams and hoots of joy from our section told me two things: Slytherin had won the Quidditch cup, and most of the people behind Professor Snape and I had been injured by the Gryffindor team's wayward seeker.

"Miss Page!"

"Look behind you, Professor." He snapped his head over his shoulder, blinked, and stared at the damage for a while. Then he turned back to me. "Now would be a good time to thank me," I reminded him.

"Hmph. I suppose." He pushed himself back to his feet, brushing off his sexy green robes. I hoisted myself up as well, using his arm as leverage, then looked down at the field. The Gryffindors were looking disheartened and angry (mostly at their own seeker) while most of the Slytherins had exited the stands to hoist the FEMALE seeker on their shoulders and cheer. Well, that'll teach them to be sexist about sports. Anyway... Professor Snape turned back to the people who'd been hit by the idiot boy seeker, one by one hoisting themselves up and wandering away to join the party. "Are there any serious injuries?"

"I don't think so," one very unsteady voice replied. The Gryffindor seeker said nothing, as he was out cold.

"Alright, good." With that, he swept off. I followed him, of course.

"Wheee, Slytherin won! Aren't you happy, Professor?"

"That trophy is going to look so good in my office," he muttered dreamily, making a beeline for Professor McGonagall. I would have followed him further, but then I spotted Ginny and decided to go talk to her, maybe cheer her up a little.

"Hey, Ginny!" I cried, slapping her on the back. "That was a good game, wasn't it?"

"Easy for you to say," she replied. "We lost!" Alright, so that didn't work so well.

"Well, yes. I feel bad about that." And I truly did. "But... Just look at how happy he is," I sighed. Ginny followed my slightly glazed-over gaze to observe Professor Snape smirking and gloating horribly to Professor McGonagall, who looked rather irritated.

"Yes, I'm sure he is." She eyed me a bit shrewdly.

"What is it?"

"You've really got it bad, haven't you?"

"No!" Alright, yes. She just shook her head and loped off to go change and shower.

I glanced over at Professor Snape, who was looking positively orgasmic, before deciding not to ruin his mood. He looked as if he wanted to be alone for a while to masturbate with that trophy, anyway. Heehee. Ooh. So instead I ran off to envision that while I played a little game of my own. And... Well, that's basically what I've been doing ever since. And I'll think I shall continue. I'm going for a new record, after all: ten orgasms in one day. It's certainly a nice break from studying, that's for sure. And tomorrow's June! Wow, so close to exams and the end of school! Alright, not thinking about that. Thinking about Professor Snape touching himself in the secret back passage (as Colin likes to call it) and... Ooh, more naughty ideas. Alright, I've got to stop writing and start getting down to business. Ta.