A Sojourn with Severus Snape

Chapter 7: Once, Twice, Three Times a Laszlo

- - -

All you need is love... Or a swift kick in the ass.

- - -

"Not to be rude, young mademoiselle, but eez zere a Nathanyel Page present?"

"Did someone say my name?" Dad popped up behind me, oven mittens shaped like snakes' heads stuck on his hands. He took one look at the French maid and blanched, looking as if he'd just seen a ghost. After a long, pregnant pause, he addressed her. "...Giselle?"

"Oui!" she answered happily. "Eet eez so good to see vous! And what an 'andsome man vous 'ave become!"

"Dad... You know her?"

Dad nodded, looking quite dazed. "Yes... She's... My uncle."

"...What?"

He ignored my inquiry and instead took Giselle by the hand and led... her... inside, pulling her into a tight hug. "I thought you were dead," he murmured. "I'm so glad to see you."

"We 'ave all missed vous and Olivia terribly," she replied, managing to extract herself from the embrace. Meanwhile, I was wondering who Olivia was, and what she meant by "we all."

"Come, sit down and have some tea," Dad urged, heading for the kitchen.

"I would very much like to use ze bathroom first, sil vous plait."

Dad directed her to the bathroom and disappeared into the kitchen. I returned to the sitting room to clean up the desk I'd been working at, and after a few minutes I heard a man's voice directed at me.

"Er... Excuse me, Miss, but... Where am I?"

I looked up, blinking at... Giselle. Except that her hair was now in a loose ponytail at the nape of her neck. And she was apparently a man now.

"...Giselle?" I asked vaguely.

She- he- looked down at his... attire... and blushed. "Er... Laszlo, actually. Laszlo Page. And you?"

"Nadia Page," I introduced. "The kitchen's across the way. You can go get some tea and I'll fetch you some decent robes."

"Oh... Thank you very much." He wandered away, and I made a quick trip upstairs to borrow some of Severus' robes. When I entered the kitchen, Dad and Laszlo were sitting at the table together, sipping tea and eating some biscuits. I handed the clothes to Laszlo and with a faint smile, he left to change.

"So..." I sat next to Dad, intending to find out just what was going on. "...He's your uncle?" I raised my eyebrows, awaiting an explanation.

"Uncle Laszlo has multiple personality disorder. Giselle is one of his alternate personalities. There are two others- a warrior named Shinji and an astronomer who goes by the name of Louis." He stopped to sip his tea, looking pensive. "...He... Disappeared. A long time ago- before you were born- after his wife died. After a bit, everyone just assumed that he'd died, too." Dad sighed heavily. "He was always very kind to me. He's a good man."

"I see." We sat in silence until Laszlo returned, looking much better.

"Ah, hello. Nadia, is it? So you're Nathanyel's daughter?"

I nodded, and he let out a small chuckle, taking a seat at the table.

"I never would have thought it. Where am I, again, by the way?"

"Hogsmeade, Snape manor," I replied.

He turned to Dad and smiled widely. "Well, well! Snape manor!"

Dad started to look rather uncomfortable as Laszlo slapped him on the back.

"So after all these years you're still-"

"That's right!" Dad interrupted quickly. "Severus and I are still friends. And guess what? He and Nadia are a couple."

Laszlo blinked, looking me over, then doing the same to Dad. Then he turned back to me and smiled. "Congratulations! I never thought that boy would ever find himself a decent woman."

I smiled back, wondering what the previous tension over Severus had been all about. Speaking of whom...

"What the hell are you doing? How many times do I have to chase your idiot friends out of the house before you take a hint?" He walked into the kitchen with a brown paper bag, setting it on the counter and taking some time out to glare at Laszlo. After a few moments, he blinked, and his glare softened to a look of befuddlement. "...Laszlo?"

"That's right." He grinned at Severus. "Long time, no see."

"...Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

"Apparently so."

There was a short period of silence in the room before Severus broke it. "Pour me some tea, Nathanyel. I've got to get this-" he gestured to the paper bag- "into the store room." With that, he swept out of the room, carrying the paper bag.

"Well, he's certainly gotten a lot more cheerful," Laszlo commented.

"Sometimes I wonder about him," I murmured, sipping tea.

"I always have," Laszlo replied. "He was the one who wore women's knickers, right?"

Dad blinked, furrowing his brow. "Oh, no. Not normally. I forced him into those."

"Where did you get them, then?"

"They were mine," he replied nonchalantly, pouring a cup of tea for Severus.

I choked. "You mean you've always been a freak?"

"Oh, like it's really all that strange nowadays," Dad snorted.

"...I suppose you're right." I paused. "Wait a minute- wasn't that supposed to be in the seventies or whenever you guys were apparently young?"

"Let's move on."

"Let me guess," Laszlo sighed. "You want to know where I've been."

"A little."

"Um," I cut in, "should I be here for this?"

"I don't mind," Laszlo replied. "I was cursed and sealed inside a Buddhist temple."

There was silence.

"Well, I mean... Florian cursed me and left me there. He said it was unbreakable." Laszlo grinned a bit as he spoke. "He was never all that great at curses."

"This family," I contributed to the conversation, "is a freak show."

"How is that?"

"You have four different personalities, and your brother cursed you and left you in a Buddhist temple to languish for the rest of your days. Plus, Dad's a fruit."

"Hey!" Dad protested. "You don't know that for sure!"

"You wear women's undergarments, Dad! You're a fruit!"

"She's got a point," Laszlo agreed with me.

"You've always been a fruit," Severus also agreed as he returned for his tea.

"Well..." Dad crossed his arms, sulking. "I'm still sexy."

"Keep telling yourself that. Maybe it will come true."

"Yeah, Dad."

"Um," Laszlo cut in, "not to get off-topic, but... I was just wondering about my estate. Specifically, whether or not I have one anymore."

"Oh, right," Dad sighed. "Well, Olivia's taking care of it. She sold the house over here, since she's got the Zabini estate, now, and-"

"Zabini?"

"Yeah, she married the guy and killed him. Anyway-"

"Wait," I interjected, "this person killed her husband?"

"Yeah, it's no big deal. As I was saying-"

"What do you mean it's no big deal?" I always thought that murder was sort of a big deal. Apparently, no one else on my dad's side of the family thinks so.

"Do you need to leave the room?" Severus asked me.

"No," I grumbled. "Continue."

"So," Dad went on, "the house in China is pretty much up and running- as a hotel."

"What?" Laszlo looked rather surprised.

"Well, more like a bed and breakfast. And the one in Japan's been kept up, but it's pretty much uninhabited."

"I guess that's where I'll be going, then."

"Olivia will come over and fill you in."

"Wait, what about your dad's house?" I asked.

Everyone looked at me like I was insane.

"What?"

"How did you know that I own my father's house?" Dad asked slowly.

"Er..." Maybe because I snooped around in his safe box and found the deed? "Lucky guess?"

"That's a good idea, though," Laszlo jumped in and saved my ass. "Do you use the house?"

"...No." Dad seemed a bit upset.

"How did you even get your hands on the deed? Florian disinherited you."

That was news to me.

"I used a lot of loopholes. I had to turn it into public property- mainly, a dark artifacts museum- for ten years. Then I converted it back to private property and had it closed with some spells to anyone outside the family."

"I think we should go over and have a look- maybe clean it out a bit." Laszlo seemed blissfully unaware of how opposed Dad looked to be to that idea.

"I'm going to go... Somewhere else." Severus very subtly left the room.

"You can count me out," Dad finally replied after gathering himself.

"Why?" Laszlo really needed to get a clue.

"I haven't been back there since my parents died, and I don't plan to go back. Ever."

"How did they die, anyway? I mean, I assumed they were killed when I stopped by and noticed the abandonment-"

"You were there?"

"Yeah, it's pretty gross looking."

Dad was frowning very... Extremely, I suppose the word would be. "You can have the house, if you want it."

"I'd need help cleaning it up."

"I'll help!" I immediately volunteered. This was a big advancement in my quest to discover my family's mysterious past. Dramatic, right?

"You will not help," Dad snapped. "I don't want you going anywhere near that place."

"I'll go, too," Severus shouted from the next room, effectively revealing himself as a chronic eavesdropper.

We are so meant for each other.

"No one's going near that house!" Dad growled. "And that is final!"

Of course, it's absolutely predictable that immediately after that proclamation we would end up at the house, right? Well... Yes, of course. And that's what happened.

Why is it that we all have so much time on our hands that we can just go over to an abandoned family estate to sort through the junk inside on a mere whim? Seriously. What the hell? Not to mention how quickly everyone got over the reappearance of a supposedly dead family member.

Like I'd stated before: this family is a freak show.

And side-along apparation is the most embarrassing thing ever, by the way.

"Holy shit," was my first reaction upon seeing the house my dad grew up in. It was the most ominous place I'd ever been to, and that was just standing out front. It was like the place was exuding evil. The inside was even worse. "Is it just me, or is this some sort of scary devil house?"

"It's a scary devil house," Dad confirmed.

"This place is more evil than I remembered," Laszlo agreed. "Maybe it's haunted, now."

"Not that I know of."

"Let's just find a place to start," Severus said, frowning.

I looked around the entrance hall, wondering where we would start. There was a staircase ahead of us, against the left-hand wall; to the right of it was a passageway that I would never venture through alone. There were doorways to the left and right of us, and alcoves with weird vases.

Dad pointed to the one to the right. "The green vase is still here."

"What's the significance of the green vase?" I asked.

"That's where I had my first sexual experience."

I vomited a little bit inside my mouth.

"With my cousin."

And once again.

"No more information," Severus ordered, looking as if he'd had the same reaction.

Laszlo simply adjusted his glasses and cleared his throat. "Why don't you three start in the attic and work your way down?"

"What about you?" I asked.

"I'm going to go see what kind of condition the secret laboratory's in." He left before I could properly process the comment.

"There's a secret lab?"

"Yes," Dad replied. "Now let's go up to the attic."

We headed upstairs to the second floor... And then to the third floor. Then the attic; it was the dustiest, dirtiest attic I'd ever seen. It was filled with old junk and antiques, and there were piles of paintings all over the place. That's where I started, while Dad and Severus went through packed up boxes and trunks, accumulating a pile of things to be burned.

Yeah, that makes tons of sense.

It actually became rather enjoyable, though. I had never known that sorting through old junk and paintings could be so much fun. I was going through a few landscapes when I made a rather surprising discovery; a man with my exact coloring, who looked just a bit like Dad. He had a rather sinister air about him, even in a portrait. I pulled the painting out of the pile to get a better look at it. "Hm... Who might you be?"

The man in the frame eyed me disdainfully. "I am Florian Page, head of this family and owner of this household. And you look like a mudblood."

"Hey!" I glanced over at Dad to see that he had stiffened. "I'm a half-blood, thank you very much."

"Put that down," Severus hissed at me; I, of course, ignored him.

"Dad, who is this?" Though I had a feeling that I already knew. "Dad?"

Florian followed my gaze, scowling. "Dad?" he repeated contemptuously. "Dad? I should have known you'd shame the family like this. Producing a half-blooded child, undoubtedly an idiot like yourself, no less. The only heir to everything I've worked for, a muggle-loving ponce! I should have aborted you when I had the chance!"

"This is my grandfather?" I puzzled, staring down at the seething man.

"Severus..." Slowly, Dad turned around, surveying the portrait with utmost loathing. "Toss this in the burn pile."

"Right," Severus agreed readily, taking it from me.

"Wait!"

They both stilled at my outburst, staring at me.

"Don't burn him. Let me keep him. I'll hang him up in a room where you won't have to see him!"

"No," Dad growled. "Burn it."

"But why?"

He seemed to be losing his patience rather quickly; his knuckles were white on the music box he had fished out of the junk. "Why do you want that thing around?"

"Because I want to know him."

"There's nothing to know!"

"Yes there is! I want to know my family! I need to."

"No you don't! Severus, get that thing out of here!"

"Yes I do! I don't know anything about him or them or anyone! They're my family!"

"I'M YOUR FAMILY, GODDAMMIT!"

I winced as the music box crashed into a pile of old instruments, knocking them over.

Without another word, he stood up and walked out of the attic.

I was rather shaken up, to say the least. "He's never screamed at me before," I stated in shock. "Not like that. He's never been that violent."

"I'd have thrown you down the stairs," Florian informed me, sounding rather upset that Dad hadn't done just that. "He always was rather soft."

"More words of wisdom from the wizarding world's father of the year," Severus grumbled, tossing the portrait aside. "Well?"

"Huh?" I replied, once I realized he was addressing me.

"Aren't you going to cry on my shoulder?"

"No thanks. A regular hug is fine."

He gave me a pat on the shoulder as I crushed him in a bear hug.

"Alright, I think I've got it for the hug quotient."

"How disgusting," Florian groused from the corner.

"Can we keep him?" I asked Severus.

"You must really be a masochist," he muttered. "I'll see if I can find a less hostile portrait."

"Promise?"

"Yes."

I hugged him again. "Thank you."

He rolled his eyes. "You're welcome."

"Ah, I see you've found Florian." Laszlo ascended the stairs and approached us. "I could tell something like this had happened from Nathanyel's temperament. Really, it's amazing how much of him has stayed the same."

"That's lovely," Severus replied flatly. "Laszlo, could you try to find a portrait of the man that won't insult everyone in the room? I need to have a talk with Nathanyel."

"I'll see what I can do."

"How very kind of you."

I watched Severus leave, then turned to Laszlo.

"Do you think there are any other portraits of him?"

"If Nathanyel missed this one, then I'm sure he missed one of the younger ones," Laszlo replied warmly. "I vaguely recall being in a portrait with him around the age of four or five. It was an occasion that always stood out in my mind because Florian planted a dung bomb in a can of the paint." As he spoke, he shifted several things around, apparently quite aware of what he was looking for. "After it was done, his portrait kept making faces at whoever happened to be observing it, so our parents put it up here."

"Wow. He sounds... Not like- um- that." I pointed at the rather angry-looking portrait.

"Yes, well... People change." He shrugged, continuing his search. "I am glad you've taken an interest in the family, though. Nathanyel never showed this kind of interest for our history. In fact, he hates most of the family."

"I did get that feeling."

"I don't blame him, either. With relatives like these-" he indicated a pile of hissing portraits- "it's understandable that he doesn't want you to get involved."

"I don't know how he can stand it, not having a family."

"I'm sure you're enough for him."

I was very touched by Laszlo's statement. It was quite sweet.

"In any case, I think he could stand to know his father a little better." Grunting, he pulled a large portrait out from behind an old wardrobe. "Here we are."

"...So then I said, 'If I looked like you, I'd probably be screaming, too.' And she just smacked me- like this- pow!" The older boy in the painting finished off his vigorous story-telling by throwing himself down below the frame, while his younger companion giggled.

"...Yeah," I muttered. "Definitely a family resemblance."

"We were so young," Laszlo marveled, looking fondly upon the portrait. I grinned as Florian (obviously) pulled himself back up and started making faces at me.

"We are definitely keeping this one."

"On a wall?" Florian suddenly inquired, incredulous.

"Yes," I replied. "On a wall."

"Finally!"

"Yeah!" little Laszlo cheered, obviously very excited about this new development. Aw, he was so cute!

"Aw! Laszlo, you're so cute!" I just had to say it out loud. "Where should we put them?"

"Somewhere safe," Laszlo replied. "Perhaps one of the bedrooms."

"What about my room?"

"If you're up to it."

"Yay! We're gonna be in a room!" the little Laszlo cheered.

"Yay!" Florian concurred. "We're gonna be in a room with a naked girl!"

"...On second thought, we'll put it in a different room."

"Good idea," Laszlo agreed.

"How about the bathroom?" Florian suggested.

Now I know where Dad gets it from. "Maybe we should burn it like the other one."

"Oh, it's not that bad," Laszlo tried to convince me. "You can put him in the guest room."

"I'm sure Severus would like to have a guest-repelling portrait in the house," I sighed. "Alright, then."

"You won't regret it," Florian promised me.

Right.

--- ---

"Nathanyel."

He was in the kitchen, of course. That big baby- all he ever really does lately is complain. "Are you going to calm down any time soon?"

"No." He looked like he was sulking, on top of it.

"Shut up." I sat down next to him at the kitchen table.

"Don't be mean, Severus." He glared at me for a moment.

"Don't act like a pussy."

"I'm not." He crossed his arms, frowning. "I don't now why you had to drag me out here in the first place. Some friend you are."

"Well we couldn't get into the house without you. You're the one who changed the wards, after all."

"Hmph." Nathanyel was acting like such a whiny little bitch.

"You knew you'd have to come back here, someday." I paused for a more dramatic effect. "It was just a matter of time, so stop acting like a little bitch."

"Fine," he grumbled, acting like his usual immature self. "I don't see why Nadia's so interested in all this." And thus his major concern was revealed.

"Well, I suppose it would be rather compellingly mysterious. Besides, some people are just interested in that kind of thing- I can't imagine why."

"Neither can I. I never wanted to know anything about my family. I never even wanted to know them."

"You can't blame the ravenous beast for wanting to, though."

Nathanyel blinked, turning to look at me. "Did you just refer to my daughter as a ravenous beast?"

"Yes."

"You don't like her?" He looked worried.

"Now is neither the time nor the place for this discussion." Which was absolutely true.

"Then we'll discuss it later," he promised.

I was afraid of that. "We should get back to work."

"In a bit. I need to sit and think for a little while."

"Alright, then." I left him to think on his own and went up to the second floor to look around.

The first room was Nathanyel's old room. It was strange to see; the bed was made and still had the sheets I remembered being on it. The closet door was hanging open, a couple of shirts and some boxes in it. Everything was perfectly in place and untouched; it was a bit disturbing, actually.

After a quick survey, I found that it wasn't haunted or inhabited by anything, so I moved on. The guest room certainly brought up a few memories; it had an errant boggart in the cabinet that I managed to take care of. I'll never get over the form it's started taking on, though.

Pardon me while I recollect myself.

I made it through a few more rooms before Nathanyel caught up with me.

"This was Lucius' room," he remarked after sneaking up behind me like an asshole.

"I am well aware of that."

"Is there anything wrong with it?" he asked as he walked around the perimeter, inspecting the furniture and such.

"Not that I've gleaned so far."

"Ah, good." Of course he was acting pathetic; he always did when Lucius was involved.

"Stop acting like that. It's embarrassing."

"Sorry."

"Dumbass."

--- ---

Laszlo and I were making our way downstairs with the salvaged portrait as I contemplated the completely freakish turn of events that had just taken place. You'd think that after things were finally starting to get comfortable, they'd manage to stay that way- but noooo. My freakish family just has to be a circus in disguise.

Well, at least I'm never bored.

"So, Nadia," Laszlo attempted to converse. "Er... You're out of school, then?"

"Yeah..."

We were silent for a while.

"By the way, am I supposed to call you Uncle or something?"

He shrugged. "Call me whatever you want to."

"Alright... Laszlo, then. Depending on the circumstances, that is."

"Of course."

"Yes."

We stared a bit.

"This is kind of weird," I clarified needlessly.

"It is," he agreed. "Last time I saw Nathanyel, he was your age."

"Wow. You're old." That came out all wrong, but he laughed.

"I guess I am."

"You don't look it." Anyone who can wear a French maid outfit without looking gross is in good shape, in my opinion. Including men. "So, how does that Giselle thing work? I mean, she must have noticed the penis by now." I really shouldn't let my curiosity get the best of me.

"Well, she knows about the whole multiple personality thing, so... She's alright with it."

"Ah, I see." I would be kind of freaked out if I was a man's alternate personality.

"Um... Let's go to the kitchen and have a sit-down, shall we?"

"...Have a sit-down?" I stared at him to drive home how strange that phrase sounded.

"Yes, let's go." Laszlo isn't exactly the type to bother with normalcy, though.

The kitchen was downstairs, full of stainless steel, and absolutely HUGE! If it wasn't so evil (like the rest of the house) I would have been drooling. "Wow! Amazing!"

Dad smiled and waved at us from the small table where he was sitting with Severus.

Severus glared at us like the sourpuss he is. "You're done?"

"For now," I replied cheerfully. "Any good news? You look especially cheerful."

He just continued to glare.

"I have good news!" Dad interjected.

"Really? What is it?"

"The ravages of time have aged Severus much more than me."

Severus snorted and hit him.

I hit him as well. "That's not news, it's just you being a dumb shit."

"Oh." Dad studied his fingernails for a bit, then cleared his throat. "By the way," he finally felt free to inform me, "I'm moving out. I'm going to be roommates with Remus."

I spent the next few moments feeling absolutely elated. "...YES! OH YES!! AAH!" I'll bet that's how Remus reacted, too. Heehee.

"That sounded like an orgasm."

"It was!"

"Ew."

"Likewise," Severus agreed.

"Why?" I asked, feeling a bit hurt. "We have sex all the time!"

"And the sounds you make are absolutely horrifying."

I would have hit him, but I noticed that Laszlo had mysteriously disappeared. It was very mysterious.

And enigmatic.

"Laszlo's gone," I pointed out to the world in general.

"Oh, he does that sometimes," Dad replied.

There was a long pause.

"You mean like... When he disappeared for twenty years?" Oh, how clever I am.

"Hm, actually... Yes." Dad just grinned like an idiot.

"I think we should start cleaning again," Severus informed us, "because I don't think I can sit here with you two imbeciles for very much longer."

"Alright, alright." I got up and stretched, then headed out into the entrance hall. I looked around for a bit, then decided that it was high time that I found a place to piddle. That's right. I used the word "piddle." "Dad, where's the bathroom?"

"Um..." He came up behind me, scratched his head, then pointed at the stairs. "Second floor, turn right, and it's the third door on your left."

"Thanks." I headed upstairs to relieve my poor, neglected bladder, only to find that the bathroom door was closed and locked. I hesitated a moment before knocking.

"Ah, just a minute!" Laszlo replied.

"Alright." I stood by the door, waiting for him to finish up and trying to ignore the strange scraping noises and swearing. What the hell was he doing in there, anyway?

"Done!" Laszlo exited the bathroom, looking a bit out of breath. "It's all yours!" With that, he rushed off down the hall.

After Laszlo was out of sight, I went in to pee real quick, and as I sat on the toilet I was unduly agitated by a continuous dripping noise. After a quick scan of the room, I found that the source of the dripping was the shower. I also noticed that the head of the shower looked kind of loose. It was a little strange, but I shrugged it off and decided to check out the library instead of worrying about errant shower heads.

It was a little smaller than Severus' library, and packed with books about science and magic and medicine. It was quite interesting, so I started browsing, taking down books and flipping through them. There were a lot of dark magic books with really gruesome illustrations on every other page, and really wordy books about dissections and other things of that nature.

After a half hour or so of looking through the books, I found one that looked really interesting, mostly because it was written by my grandfather. When I opened it, something fluttered to the floor and landed with a soft click. When I bent down to pick it up I saw that it was a note.

-

Florian-

I've left the key in the head. Best of luck.

- Laszlo

-

It was rather strange. The key to what, exactly?

That was when I remembered Laszlo mentioning a (no longer) secret laboratory. The note must have been referring to the key to the lab. I wondered what the head was- a bust, perhaps? I tried to recall any heads I'd seen, when I suddenly remembered the loosened shower head.

Of course, since Dad had told me I was not allowed to see the lab, I had to see it. So, I went back up to the bathroom, just to see if the key was still there. Sure enough, when I twisted the shower head off, out came a key. I quickly replaced the head and ran back down to the library. Since the note had been there, I figured the entrance to the lab was also there. Besides, the entrances to creepy places are always behind bookshelves in movies and stuff.

I yanked on the candle holders and pulled out a shitload of books, trying to get the thing to move. After a bit, I figured that I was supposed to move it myself, and grabbed my wand, pointing it at the first shelf. "Wingardium leviosa!" It felt good to actually use something I learned in school.

After moving three bookshelves to check the wall, I finally found a keyhole that almost blended perfectly into the wall. I was excited and a little scared at the same time. When I tried the key out, it fit. I slowly turned it, jumping a little when it click and a panel of the wall slid back. I gently pushed against it, and it swung open like a small door.

Ducking through it, I held out my wand and cast a lighting spell, marveling at the dank stone staircase leading down into darkness, as well as the huge cliche that I had just walked into. As I descended the stairs, I started to feel more and more anxious. It was as if I was heading for the den of a very vicious creature.

When I reached the bottom of the stairs, I paused for a moment before walking into the lab. It was as if I had walked through an actual wall of... Well, of bad aura. Or evil, maybe. Hey, it exists in the magical world.

Looking around at the wall to check for some sign of electrical lighting, I actually found a light switch and flicked it on. Several lights on the ceiling flickered into life and began buzzing; they were circular florescent lights with yellowing covers that cast a very creepy and unhealthy glow over the place.

There were lab tables to the right, littered with discarded instruments, some of them still covered in dried blood (ew) and rusting. To the left were shelves stacked high with books, journals, portfolios, and jars with weird-looking body parts in them. Upon closer inspection, I found that some of the jars held fetuses, their umbilical cords floating eerily in the preservative fluid. Other held eyeballs, thick with veins; there were also jars with severed human hands, feet, and innards- intestines, lungs, hearts and even spinal cords. Oh, gross. I got a real shock, though, when I came across one jar with a severed human head in it, staring out at me with a surprised expression. I nearly threw up at that; I was in the most scary, evil, disgusting place ever.

When I ventured further into the lab I found some more disturbing things. There was what looked like an operating table, with a cart full of instruments sitting next to it. The table had leather straps attached to it, most likely for restraint purposes. Further back was this weird tube filled with water, along with tubes and wires that had needles attached to the ends, and some weird boxy-thing in the back. Sorry, I'm not very technologically savvy. Either way, this thing looked like some creepy reenactment of The Matrix.

The lab was definitely for the express purpose of experimenting on human beings. That realization was frightening, but I didn't leave the lab just yet; I wanted to read the research journals.

I returned to the shelves and picked a journal out from somewhere near the beginning, opening it up. The entries were really weird. One read:

-

Date: 2/16/65

Subject: 4 yrs., 35 lbs.

Testing causing routine side-effects. Subject experiencing insomnia, complains of nightmares. Also displaying decreased appetite- becoming underweight.

Testing discontinued due to subject's weak condition. Will resume in 1 week.

That probably meant that my grandfather was experimenting on a child. That was a little less than comforting, to say the least. I returned the book and went to the next one, and immediately found a sort of scary entry.

-

Date: ?/?/66

Subject: 5 yrs., 50 lbs.

Reaction time of subject tested; very poor. Testing followed by attempted escape.

Subject experienced fractures in both legs. Healing process to be monitored.

Experiments with unicorn's blood to commence in 1 day.

-

That sounded pretty sinister. The whole place was sinister, really. It was the strangest and creepiest thing I had experienced in a long time, to tell the truth. My family had a secret lab. I mean... What the balls?

I replaced the research journal and looked through the shelf some more. Tucked in with the journals was a portfolio, which I grabbed and opened. The photographs inside were so surprising that I dropped the portfolio immediately, gasping. It was Dad. And he was being cut open and poked with needles and hooked up to wires like a freaking Christmas tree. He was just a kid, too.

What had happened here? What was Dad not telling me? What were these experiments all about, even? I knew that reading Florian's book and research journals would give me an answer (dur), but it was more a matter of getting Dad to let me keep them.

I searched for something small enough to fit into my bag- something I could take home with me without Dad noticing. So far, all I found was journals and papers. I eventually resorted to pulling some of the old photographs out of the portfolio I'd found and folding them up. After I'd done that, I started going through some drawers.

"Hello."

"AACK!" I jumped what was probably about three feet into the air. After I was done having a near-fatal heart attack, I slowly turned around, wondering if it was possible to evaporate. "Um... Hi, Dad."

Dad slowly circled around me, and the point was not missed that I was in the deepest of all deep shit. He eyed me like he was some wild animal whose territory I had unwittingly invaded.

"Um..." I tried to think of something in my defense. "I found the lab," was my weak reply.

He ambled over to one of the examination tables, fiddling with the straps and nearby instruments. "This place is scary, isn't it?" he asked idly.

"Er..." I wasn't sure what he was going to do. "Yes."

He nodded, staring at the table. Then, he gave the table a swift kick and it fell over, skidding and clanging loudly into the opposite wall. A heavy silence hung between us as a buckle from the table swung back and forth, jingling ominously. "Is that scary?"

"Um, yeah."

"Get out of here."

"Right. Bye." I'm not going to mince words.

I ran my fucking ass off.

I unwittingly streaked straight through the hallway and into the parlor, straight into Laszlo. "EEAAARGH!" I screamed.

"Er- are you alright?"

"Don't scare me like that!" I was still a little freaked out, as everyone within a five mile radius could probably tell.

"I suppose you're not alright, then?"

"No, I'm not alright! I went into that creepy secret laboratory and was looking around and then Dad came in and was all like 'I GONNA KILL YOU' and I was all 'AAH!' and stuff!"

Laszlo stared at me, blinking. Then, he shook his head a bit and smiled. "I'm sure it wasn't all that bad."

"Oh, it was."

"Well, why were you snooping around in the lab, anyway?"

"I was... Curious."

He sighed, scratching his head. "You're too curious for your own good."

"Yeah, sorry," I grumbled.

"Don't be," Laszlo replied gently, pulling the tie out of his hair. "I like people like that."

"Well, I suppose it's a small comfort." I flopped down into the nearest armchair and leaned my chin in my hand, frowning. "Dad definitely doesn't like it, though. I mean, I know my family was supposed to be horrible, but why is it so important for him to keep everything a secret?"

"Some people are like that."

"Secretive, you mean."

"Yes." Laszlo reached into his pocket and fished around for something. "They're afraid- of themselves, of not being liked, maybe- so they hide behind secrets." He pulled his hand out of his pocket and handed what he'd pulled out to me. "I'm not particularly fond of secrets. I'm the type of person who wants to know everything." He winked at me, then got up and walked away, whistling.

Strange.

When I looked at my hand, I was holding a pin engraved with a knife crossed with a sprig of thyme.

"What's that?"

I nearly jumped out of my skin when Severus snuck up on me and asked me that. "It's a pin!" I snapped back.

"I know it's a pin, you nitwit, but what's on it?"

"A knife and some thyme."

"Thyme?"

"Yeah."

"Wasn't that used as incense and put on coffins during funerals?"

I stared at the pin. "Really?"

"Yes, really."

I continued to stare. A knife crossed with something placed on coffins. Right. "I'll bet it's the family crest."

"Family crest?"

"Yup."

It was a few moments before Severus sighed and walked away. "...I hate my life."

I just shrugged. Whatever.

I decided to just avoid Dad as much as possible for the rest of the day (which turned out to be rather wise, considering his mood) and spent most of my time with Laszlo... And company. As it turned out, I got to meet Louis (who had given me the pin); he seemed rather nice, if a little bit... Strange. Then again, what can you expect from multiple personalities?

By the time we got home, I was ready to pass out. So, of course Severus wanted to get it on (that nasty pervert). It just broke my heart to turn him down flat, but I still had to hang that portrait up and get to bed. After debating the issue for a minute or so, though, I decided to just leave the portrait in my room for the moment (and cover it with a sheet when I got dressed) and ended up falling asleep so quickly that I couldn't have done so any faster with Valium and vodka.

The next day I woke up at approximately noon (wow, that was awfully late) to the soothing sound of Florian being obnoxious. I threw on some clothing and whipped the sheet off of the portrait, glaring. "Are you making bird calls?"

"Yes," Florian replied. "It's mating season, you know." He wriggled his eyebrows while Laszlo giggled.

"After dinner, I'm going to move you two to somewhere much less disruptive. Like... The other side of the house."

"Aw, come on!"

I ignored the protests of my new painted companions and headed downstairs for some breakfast... Or maybe it was lunch, considering the time of day. I headed into the kitchen, and then stopped dead, for I had been assaulted by the presence of another visitor to our humble abode.

A very pretty Asian woman with a long, aristocratic nose was sitting at the kitchen table, loosely clutching a cup of strange-smelling tea between her delicate hands. Her mouth was set into a straight line and she was watching Severus search through the cupboards with a rather cool expression. She seemed oddly familiar, actually. "Really now," she said in a smooth voice, her tone business-like, "you've been looking about for nearly ten minutes. Besides the fact that I sincerely doubt you are going to find an antidote for magically-induced impotency in your kitchen cupboards."

My mouth fell slightly ajar as Severus made a triumphant noise, dragging a large bottle out of the back of the cabinet.

"Shows how much you know," he replied smugly. He then caught sight of me and my expression, at which he flushed.

The woman raised one perfectly shaped eyebrow as she turned to survey me. "Ah. Nadia. A pleasure." Her short greeting and previous statement towards Severus had jogged my memory, but if she was who I thought she was... Well, that would be rather strange, wouldn't it? "You do remember me?" she inquired at my blank stare.

"Er... Mrs. Zabini?" That meant that she was Olivia, from Dad and Laszlo's conversation.

"Yes. I'm delighted you've recognized me." We'd only met once, but from what I had gathered she seemed alright. "And it'll be Page now, scrap the Mrs."

"...Huh?" But before I could ask any more questions, Dad had entered the room, followed closely by Laszlo, who was speaking quite rapidly. However, upon seeing the former Mrs. Zabini seated at the table, he immediately fell silent. There were a few tense moments in which all noise seemed to be suspended, before she rose from her seat and inclined her head.

"Father." Wow, that had certainly been a surprise.

"...Olivia," Laszlo replied. They stared at each other a bit more before Laszlo rushed forward and pulled her into a tearful embrace.

"Let's go," Severus whispered as he walked to my side and started to lead me away.

"What was that before about impotency?" I replied worriedly.

He flushed again. "It's none of your business."

"Oh, I think it is." I crossed my arms, frowning. "How can we have a relationship solely based on sex if you can't get it up?"

"I'm fixing it!" he growled, storming away.

I giggled a bit, then went off to work on my amazing romance novel in order to give Laszlo and his daughter their space.

And also to wonder if I'd committed incest.

My God. Ew.

Luckily (or maybe not), Dad returned from work about an hour later. "Hello, Nadia. I'm back for my lunch break!"

"Did you know that I was related to Blaise?" I immediately drilled him.

"Um... What?"

"You know, Blaise Zabini, with whom I had sex?"

"I'm not quite following you," he replied slowly. "And I already know that you had sex with him."

"Laszlo's daughter is Olivia, who is your cousin and also the mother of Blaise, with whom I had sex!"

"Oh! That!" Dad scratched the back of his head, looking a bit sheepish. "Sorry. Forgot to mention that."

"ARGH!"

"Wait! Blaise wasn't Olivia's biological son." He waited for me to calm down before continuing. "Her husband had an affair with a Brazilian maid, who returned to Brazil shortly after the birth of their illegitimate son. They decided to just pass him off as Olivia's kid. She even learned Portuguese and lied about her heritage to cover up, you know... Him not looking at all like her."

"Oh."

"Olivia is not at all Brazilian. She's Chinese, Japanese, and... Whatever Uncle Laszlo is."

"Which is also whatever you are."

"Right."

"It's Scottish, German, Irish and British."

"Ah, thanks. I'm French on my mum's side, too. You know, Malfoy."

"You're such an ass," I grumbled. "You know, I thought I'd committed incest."

"Well, technically Blaise would have only been your second cousin once removed, so that wouldn't have counted."

"Whatever. It's like when I found out Draco was related to me."

"You had sex with Draco?"

I decided to throw my typewriter at him. "No, I did not!"

Miraculously, the typewriter was unharmed after making contact with Dad's incredibly thick skull. And I guess he was okay, too. "Well, how am I supposed to know how much of a dirty trollop you are?"

"You're the easy one in the family, Dad."

"Hey, addiction to sex is an actual disease."

I took a moment to be completely grossed out by that statement.

"So why is it like finding out Draco's related to you, again?"

"Dad!"

"Eh? Eh?"

"I fancied him when I was twelve, and don't say a word."

"You mean you-"

"Not one!"

Dad just started laughing at me.

"Ha counts as a word!"

"That makes you a lesbian!" he teased.

"Shut up! And you know it's offensive to use that as an insult, anyway!"

"A lesbian, eh?" Mrs. Zabini- er- Olivia had joined us, looking very... Er... Severe. She turned her intimidating gaze in Dad's direction, then snapped her soul-piercing eyes back to me. "I can see why."

"I'm not a lesbian," I replied, shooting a look that I hoped was similar to hers in Dad's direction. "He's teasing me."

"Ah." She walked up to Dad, which made her look extremely tiny, since she was even shorter than he is. And then she hit him upside the head. "Shut the hell up!"

"Owwie!" Dad replied, like an ass.

"Don't say owwie, you pussy!" She hit him again, then brushed her hands off. "He needs firm guidance," she informed me.

"Don't I know it," I sighed.

"In any case," she continued, turning back to Dad, "we've got a lot to take care of."

"M'kay," he agreed.

"What are you guys doing?" I asked.

"Nothing much."

"Just real estate issues," Olivia added.

I was suspicious, but after some consideration I decided against following my initial urge to be extremely nosy. Last time I'd done so, Dad had gone completely insane (which I totally forgave him for, of course- really) and I needed the writing practice if I was going to go anywhere career-wise.

But maybe it had something to do with those bandages he thinks I don't notice.

I really should kick Dad's ass more often. Just... not when he's in the mood to kick mine.

--- ---

"Severus, we need your help."

"God dammit, anyway!" was my reply.

"Get over your impotence, already- it isn't that big of a difference, anyway." It was Olivia, of course.

"This is my personal lab, dammit, and I don't like people sneaking up on me." I turned around to give her my best glare, but it didn't faze her. Nothing ever does. "What are you doing down here?"

"Dad's going to give Nathanyel a treatment."

"And what do you need me for?"

"You need to mix the ink." She whipped a parchment out of her pocket and handed it to me. "Here's a list of the components and some instructions. Nothing needs to be heated or anything... So it should only take a few minutes."

"Where are you doing it?"

"In the mountains. I'll accompany you."

"Wonderful." I was surprised that my sarcasm didn't get a physical response out of her, but also relieved. I looked down at the list she'd handed me, thankful that I'd restocked my stores. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have had even half of what was listed there- most of it was imported from China and Japan. Well, it made sense, seeing as it was Laszlo performing the sealing spell. "You're lucky I have all this."

"Oh?"

"You bitch."

"Just get to mixing- this is a rush job."

"Rush, eh?" I began picking things out of my stores. "Then I'll rush."

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