A Sojourn with Severus Snape

Chapter 8: Normality, or Some Semblance Thereof

-

Love is like Communism; it sounds nice, in theory. In practice, however, it is an entirely different story.

-

-

-

Dad was sick.

He was in the bathroom, throwing up, for the entire day. He'd been sick since Olivia had come by and picked up Laszlo, and the worst part was that the longer he was sick, the longer it would take him to move out. Okay, so maybe that's a bit harsh. I gave him some Pepto-Bismol and ginger ale, though! Well, I drank most of the ginger ale, but I was pretty thirsty!

"Dad! Do you want anything else?"

"A gun." He moaned to accentuate the comment.

"What for?"

"To shoot myself with."

"Don't be such a drama queen."

"But I really am in that much pain!"

"It's true," Severus interrupted us, walking into Dad's room with Remus and a tray of green tea and saltines in tow. "Laszlo gave him some medicine, and these are the side effects."

"Medicine for what?" I was suspicious, to say the least, but everyone was keeping a tight lid on this one. Not even Remus would divulge his knowledge.

"For his... I don't know, his crazy!"

"His 'crazy?'" I raised my eyebrows.

"Oh, fuck off." It wasn't often that Severus was reduced to blatantly improper grammar.

"He's got a point," Remus added gently, steering me toward the door. "Let's go get some nice, refreshing tea."

Dad moaned pitifully. "I wish I could enjoy some tea."

"Shut the fuck up," Severus scolded.

Remus shut the door behind us, cutting off all further petty arguments caused by Dad being a baby. We walked to the kitchen together, where Remus immediately proceeded to (big surprise) make tea.

"I'm guessing you're feeling stressed," I began, hoping to ignite the dormant coals of conversation.

"A bit," he replied, and for once in my life, I didn't press.

"Well, tea is rather soothing," I admitted.

"Soothing," he agreed, putting a cup in front of me and sipping his own.

"Well, there's nothing to worry about. I mean, it's just a stomach virus or some sort of deadly tropical disease. Nothing of particular concern. Or are you just worried that the longer it takes him to move in with you, the longer he has to change his mind?"

Remus choked on his tea a bit.

"Oh, give it up. I know you asked Dad to be your roommate because you've got a boner for him." I began working on my own cup of tea; it was very delicious. "I've mostly gotten over it."

"Well- um- thanks for that. And, I suppose I am worried he'll change his mind. Not just because of my 'boner,' as you put it, but because if he doesn't pull through... Well, I'm basically fucked. But not in a pleasant way, of course."

"Of course." I added a bit more sugar to my tea before I continued. "You don't have to worry about a thing. I'll force him to move in with you. If he so much as looks like he's going to back out, I'll tie him up and drag him straight to you. Deal?"

"It's a deal." Remus still looked worried, though.

"Are you worried about Dad being sick, as well?"

"Er... Yes. He's been sick like this before, but that was a while ago, and the last time- oh, never mind. You don't want to know about that."

"Well, I know that Laszlo gave him some medicine for his 'crazy,' to quote Severus."

"It was more like a magical treatment- I really shouldn't get into this, Nathanyel would want to tell you himself."

"But what's it for?"

"Like I said, I shan't say another word."

"You just said 'shan't.' That is so girly!"

"'Shan't' is not a girly word." Remus finished off his tea, looking rather indignant. "Just because I like blokes, it doesn't mean I'm girly."

"But 'shan't' is pretty girly," I argued. "And so outdated. What possessed you to even say it?"

"It felt appropriate at the time."

"Oh, how many times have you used that excuse?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, nothing." I paused for a moment, just to add some dramatic effect. "Harlot."

"You did not just call me a harlot."

"I most certainly did, you tramp."

"Alright, alright. Is it too much to ask for a change of subject? Perhaps we could go back to Nathanyel and all his secrets that you're so eager to expose."

"Well, normally I wouldn't let you off so easily, but... Sure."

"Say, didn't you go back to the old house a couple of days ago?"

That certainly jogged my memory. I still had those photos I'd stolen from the lab, and I hadn't mentioned anything to Severus or Dad. Well, obviously I wouldn't want to say anything to Dad, and if I told Severus about them, he'd just go and blab about them to Dad straight away. I thought that perhaps Remus could shed some light on the subject, since he'd known Dad just as long as Severus. "We did, actually. There's something about that I'd like to discuss with you, while we're on the subject."

"And what's that?" He finished off his tea and poured himself another cup, the fiend. He must go to the bathroom at least ten times a day.

"It's about Dad... You see, I found this secret laboratory." I stopped there to gauge his reaction.

Remus raised his eyebrows, but otherwise remained neutral.

"Anyway, there were tons of documents down there- things detailing these weird, vague experiments. The issue about that is... How do I say this, exactly? Right. They were all performed on Dad."

"...Oh." He didn't seem nearly surprised enough, which led me to believe that he'd already known. Remus set his cup down and cleared his throat, looking uncomfortable. "And now you're going to ask me if I've been keeping secrets from you."

"And you're going to say it's because it isn't your place to tell me anything, anyway," I replied. I knew Remus well enough by then to at least know that much.

"Precisely."

"Well, I thought I should ask you if you knew anything, anyway. And also... I have some photographs."

He made that weird choking noise he always does when he's caught off guard. "You what?"

"That's right, hotness-" yeah, I went there- "and they're rather explicit."

"First, please don't call me 'hotness.' More importantly, how did you get them?"

"They were in the lab, so I nicked a few while Dad wasn't looking. You want to see them?"

"Of course!"

"Follow me to my lair," I beckoned seductively, standing up.

"Alright."

I led him upstairs to my room, where I had the photos stashed. Of course, Florian instantly made a nuisance of himself.

"Who's your boyfriend? You better cover us up before you get it on- I don't want my little brother seeing that filth, you know." Florian... Why?

"He's gay," I replied, covering the portrait anyway.

"Hey!" Laszlo protested. "I wasn't doing anything!"

"Yeah, all I said was to keep it wholesome!" Florian joined in.

"If you keep quiet I'll find a nice wall for you," I promised.

"Who...?" Remus was simply confused.

"My grandfather," I clarified. "And Dad's Uncle Laszlo. It was in the house."

"Aha." Remus scratched the back of his head as he watched me rummage around in my piles of junk for the pictures. "So... Your room looks like a bomb hit it."

"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind." I finally found the photographs (I'd left them underneath a stack of porn) and sat down on the bed. "I should warn you that these are really disturbing."

"How many do you have, exactly?" He joined me on the bed, trying to look over my shoulder.

"Four." I handed them over to him and watched as his mouth sort of... Fell open.

"Are those ribs being exposed?"

"Yeah, and there's the spinal column." I pointed it out, just to be helpful.

"And this is Nathanyel?"

"Yeah, and his age and weight are on the back."

Remus flipped the photo over, a frown crossing his face. "It says... Age three. Three."

"I know." I put a hand on his shoulder, because I thought I should at least do something.

"If that- that-"

"Whorebag?"

"Right. If he were still alive, I'd kill the bastard myself."

I patted him on the back, feeling rather useless in the area of emotional support and comfort. At least Florian wasn't acting up, though. "If you don't want to see the other ones..."

"No, I'll look at them." He grimaced at the next one- it was a picture of Dad with so many needles in him that he looked like a pincushion. "Ouch."

The next picture was one of Dad in that weird tube thing I'd seen in the lab, with all these wires and tubing coming out of him. And, finally, a close up of a forearm, which was bruised, split open, and bleeding fiercely.

"Well... That was... An experience." Remus handed the photos back to me, looking slightly sick.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine."

"Does whatever seems to be happening in these photos have anything to do with Laszlo's treatment?"

"I'm afraid so."

"And you're not going to let me in on the details, are you?"

"No, I'm not."

Well, it was frustrating, but what could I do? "Alright, then." I got up and walked over to the portrait, removing the sheet. "You may now see the light of day once more."

"You guys were saying dirty words," Laszlo informed me.

"Yeah," Florian agreed, "tone it down around the kid."

"Sorry, didn't mean to offend you." I rolled my eyes; really, they're just portraits.

"I must admit," Remus joined in, "I'm rather surprised that Nathanyel let you keep them." He was probably as relieved at the change of topic as I was.

"Well, he doesn't exactly know, and I hope you won't tell him. Once he's out of here I can get them up on a decent wall and actually have some peace in here."

"You know, I think I've heard Severus say something along those lines about you and Nathanyel."

"Nice." I turned around to glare at the painting. "You two be good, or else."

"Yes, Ma'am," Florian and Laszlo agreed simultaneously.

"Come on, Remus. We don't want anyone getting suspicious and thinking I've turned you heterosexual or something."

He shook his head, making a face. "Heavens, no. Ew."

"Thanks." I shut the door firmly behind us, casting a silencing charm just in case. "I really wish you'd at least tell me something useful about this whole thing."

"No amount of pressure will convince me to divulge my secrets."

"But I have a right to know just as much as anyone else in this house!" I even pouted, to make myself more convincing.

"I can't." Remus was holding strong, even against the mighty force of my pouting.

I decided to play dirty. "If you don't, I'll tell everyone you're straight."

He paused halfway down the main staircase and looked back up at me with narrowed eyes. "You're bluffing."

"I'm not. I'll spread the word that you're a lady-loving stud."

"I'll see what I can do with Nathanyel, but you won't be hearing any information from me."

"It's a deal."

"What are you doing loafing about on the staircase?" Severus interrupted with his shrill nagging. "If you think I'm the one who's going to be giving up all my time placating that blithering boob, then you've got another thing coming!"

"Nice alliteration," I complimented. "You know, with the blithering boob thing."

"I'll go see how Nathanyel's doing," Remus said in his most soothing voice and headed in the direction of the piteous moaning.

I waited until he was out of earshot, then turned to Severus. "I don't care how sick he is, I want him out of here by tomorrow."

"I was thinking closer to tonight," he replied.

"Nah, I want to at least give him the night."

"Whatever you say."

"Hey, while Remus and Dad are busy... Wanna go fuck?"

Severus sighed, looking rather put upon. "If you insist." He always was rather coy.

"Let's go."

- - -

So it was with a light as pure helium heart that Severus and I practically forced Dad out of the house and into his brand new apartment with Remus.

"Hey, this is a pretty nice place," I observed as we helped Dad bring a few things up. It was really much more well-kept than I'd expected it to be.

The entrance of the apartment opened up into a large rectangular space that made up the living area (to our left) and kitchen/dining area (to our right). The kitchenette area was mostly defined by a partition that was attached to the right-hand wall of a hallway across the room from us. Upon closer inspection, I found that the hallway contained a door on the immediate right that led to a rather spacious bathroom, a bedroom on the left side, and then a master bedroom at the end of the hall, which was HUGE.

"Whose bedroom is this?" I queried.

"Oh, that's mine," Remus replied from where he and Dad were trying to decide on the position of their big gay red sofa.

"I should have sensed the aura of gay."

"I think we should get a house-warming piano," Dad commented offhandedly.

Remus nearly dropped his end of the sofa. "A piano?"

"I don't see why not."

"What would we use a piano for?"

"For playing." Dad nodded to Remus and they set down the sofa facing the wall next to the entrance. "We can put a television against that wall. And then a coffee table right around here." He motioned to an area on the floor in front of the couch. "And then we'll be able to have a pornography night."

"Ew," I voiced.

"Then we won't invite you. We can invite Severus, though."

Severus snorted from the kitchen, where he was trying to figure out what the microwave was. "Do you actually think I would ever watch porn with you?"

"Ummm..."

"No."

"Are you at least going to eat dinner with us?"

"You mean cook for you?" I cut in.

"Well... If you wouldn't mind."

"Pht." I flopped down on the big gay red sofa, sighing. "This gay sofa is so comfy." I snapped my fingers at Dad, settling in. "Fetch me a soda." I had a feeling that my summer was about to greatly improve.

---------------

I stood outside Nathanyel's new apartment, scowling just for the sake of scowling. He wanted to discuss something "important" with me, which, in his case, probably meant that he wanted advice on his love life again. I considered knocking for a moment, but then decided that the little tit didn't even deserve it. This, of course, was a mistake.

"Look, Draco, I'm not getting through any of this any better than you are- so just lay off it, alright?"

Apparently, I had walked in on something. As usual.

"Don't be such a fucking berk. Just because you're related to me you think you can treat me like a kid."

Nathanyel snorted. "Then don't act like one."

"Don't act like you're the fucking cat's meow." Draco seemed to be rather annoyed. "It's getting on my nerves."

"You're such a whiny little bitch," Nathanyel whined.

This is what happens when two very disagreeable people get together.

"Shut up," Draco groused.

"Make me." Nathanyel pulled him closer and...

Merlin, doesn't he know that incest is illegal?

"Would you stop molesting everyone you come across long enough to actually tell me what you want?" I finally spoke up, interrupting their little... Gross-fest.

"Don't interrupt!" Nathanyel complained. "Get out!"

"I'm not getting out."

"I want sex now! Get out or have sex!"

"I'm not having sex!" I hit him, for good measure. "Stop being such a slut!"

"Don't I have a say in this?" Draco interjected from the buffoon's lap. Pardon me while I vomit a little bit into my mouth.

Nathanyel and I both snorted.

"So I take it that you feel better," I aimed at Nathanyel, ignoring Draco.

"Much better. Still a little sore, but I'll live." He grinned at me. "Uncle Laszlo sealed me all up!"

"I am aware of that, you disaster of humankind."

"Oh, Severus. I do so love it when you whisper sweet nothings in my rear."

"Ew," Draco commented on the subject.

"Yes, and as entranced as I'm sure we all are by your rear, I would like to know what you thought was so important for us to talk about that you had to force me to witness your inbred idea of a good time."

"Draco's poor," Nathanyel informed me.

"And am I supposed to care?"

"How do you feel about fifty thousand galleons in your pocket?"

"...I feel a little less apathetic than I did a minute ago. However, before you continue, kindly remove your cousin's offspring from your lap."

"You're such a good godfather to me, Professor," Draco simpered as he moved himself to a chair.

"Whatever. So what about fifty thousand galleons?"

"Weeeellll," Nathanyel drew his explanation out in a painful display of idiocy, "you know as well as I do that Lucius' assets have all been frozen for five years while the Ministry tries to sort out their own asses from their elbows, and once they do, everything becomes the property of the government. Consequently, this prevents Draco from obtaining his rightful inheritance."

Draco gave a dramatic sniff to accentuate the point.

"Of course I do. Now get on with it." I crossed my arms, scowling at him.

"Well," Nathanyel sighed, sounding like he was complaining about have to shop for groceries in the rain, "since the Ministry insists on being such a pain, we'll just have to go get the money from Lucius' vault ourselves."

"How do you propose we do that?" I growled.

"We'll break into Gringotts, of course!"

I hit him.

"Ouch! What was that for?"

"Do you sincerely think we're going to be able to get in there, you raging dolt?"

"I still have a few connections," Draco informed me.

"And Uncle Laszlo's top in the curse-breaking field," Nathanyel added. "How do you think he managed to get out of whatever my dad did to him?"

"Fine!" I growled. "But that doesn't mean we'll succeed! And even if we do, then we'll be cursed!"

"Oh, who cares about that old poem or whatever? I'll bet it's just to scare people."

"Don't take a goblin curse so lightly!" I hit him again. "It may not affect us immediately, but then one day before you know it, I'll be waking up married to your daughter and then we'll all be sorry!"

"Oh, like you don't want it."

"I'll kill you!" Perhaps I lost my temper a bit quickly, but I'd been strung rather tight as of late, and had been meaning to wring Nathanyel's neck, anyway.

"So is this a yes?" Draco asked, unalarmed by the display.

"Fine!" I let go of Nathanyel and backhanded him for good measure. "I'll do it, you half-witted dumb fucks!"

"Well, that went rather well."

Nathanyel nodded in agreement.

"I'm going now." I whirled around and left the apartment before I tried to strangle the both of them at once.

I fumed all the way home, and on top of it, the beast was up and about. "What are you doing now?" I grumbled, crossing my arms and watching her contaminate my study with her... Self.

"Not having sex with you," she replied. "Nor will I be having sex with you any time tonight."

"I'm going to bed," I snapped.

Honestly, she isn't good for anything.

- - -

I woke up in the morning, feeling extremely stiff. Still, the relief of finally having Nathanyel out of my house was overwhelming. In fact, I was in such a good mood that I was planning to make some Belgian waffles.

However, my good mood was soon deflated by what awaited me in the kitchen.

"Good morning, Severus!" Nathanyel chirped happily, sitting at my kitchen table, drinking my coffee, and reading my newspaper.

"Why are you here?" I growled, mostly because I was too tired to shout. "You have your own apartment now. There is no reason for you to be contaminating my house with your extremely unwelcome presence."

"Oh, come on. I've always shown up unannounced. Anyway, I'd like you to join me at work today." Nathanyel finished off his coffee, grinning. "There are a few things I have to take care of first thing, but after that I want to discuss our little mission."

"Thanks, but no thanks," I replied.

And that was how I found myself following Nathanyel down to the Department of Mysteries. After I had cleaned up and gotten dressed, that is. It had taken him a while to convince me to go, and so he was ten minutes late, and as a result the entire place was practically going mad. It was to be expected, though.

It took him another five minutes to shoo away the crowd of people that swarmed him, half with questions and half with complaints. Once they were gone, it seemed as if we were pretty much in the clear. Of course, that was not the case.

"You're late, Nathanyel!" A woman with short brown hair scolded. I believe her name was Koelln or some such nonsense.

"Well, I thought I was overdue," he replied casually. "I don't expect I've received any calls in the ten minutes I was delayed?"

"No, but Mr. Reed wants to see you, and are you allowed to have a guest?" She eyed me warily.

"Eh? Who cares? I say I'm allowed."

"Yes, sir. Oh, and Millicent's taking care of some paperwork in your office."

"Thanks. I'd like her to take it somewhere else, though. Just for the time being." He walked off, grinning like a loon. "I love that people are dependent on me."

"Wonderful."

"What do you think Reed wants?"

"How should I know?" I snapped. "He's your bloody head of department."

"Well, let's go see him, then!" Nathanyel replied jovially, heading down the hall.

"I'm supposed to go, too?"

"You sure are!"

Of course, once we arrived the man was sitting at his desk, waiting. The pompous idiot- tall and broad, but with a paunchy everything, probably from not moving, the lazy oaf. "Ah, Nathanyel- and- er."

"This is my guest, Severus," Nathanyel introduced. "I'm sure you remember him from our work on the Wolfsbane potion."

"Ah, yes," he lied.

"A pleasure," I grumbled as sourly as possible.

"But why-"

"I thought more work was in order," Nathanyel interrupted him. "And your business with me was...?"

"You're late this morning."

"Sorry about that. Won't happen again- bye." He headed for the door, but paused when Reed cleared his throat. "Yes, Augustus?"

"Please, have a seat."

Nathanyel remained standing, so I sat down instead; I still hadn't entirely woken up that morning.

"You have been taking a rather unusual amount of days off, lately-"

"So? I haven't had my vacation time yet this year."

"True, true. But it's a rather large amount, and you've been leaving early, and now this morning-"

"I was ten minutes late," Nathanyel finished lamely. "I am quite aware of that, as I've already established."

"Yes, and I'd advise you to be careful about these things, because it's certainly not conducive to doing your job, let alone keeping it-"

"Wait a moment." He crossed his arms, leveling a steady gaze at Reed. It wasn't really menacing, or at all intimidating- not in the least. It was more of an apathetic gaze, really.

Still, Reed pulled at his collar and wiped at his face.

"You're threatening to fire me." It was a statement, not a question.

"Well, I think-"

"No, I'm fairly sure you don't think."

I was starting to feel a bit bad for Reed- after all, throughout the entire conversation the man could barely even get half a sentence out before being interrupted.

"You see, if you did think, then you would think about how much you owe me, about how much you need me, and about how much of an empty threat that is, coming from you of all people. Just think back to every single moment that I have ever deigned to interact with you. In fact, think back to every moment you've even spent in this department. I'd already been working here three years when you were just a mail clerk. The only reason you became the head of this department is me, with a side of luck, and the only reason you've even survived life long enough to make it this far is sheer luck- with a side of me. So, for your own sake, please do not threaten me. And, on a side note, I think you really need to reevaluate your perception of our working relationship, because at this point we're on different levels."

Reed simply stared at him, mouth wide open like a dead fish and hand wiping furiously at his forehead.

"Well, off to work I trot. Severus?"

I stood up and followed him out of the office. "That sounded like a rehearsed speech."

"It was, a bit," he admitted.

"I didn't know you could even talk to a head of department like that."

Nathanyel shook his head and clicked his tongue a few times. "Poor, delusional man. Actually thinks he's in charge around here. Can you imagine?"

I rolled my eyes. "No, I can't."

"So about our amazing heist," he continued. "Aren't you excited?"

"No," I replied sourly. "I don't know where you get these idiotic ideas. I just know this is going to end badly."

"Well, Draco has a right to that money, you know," he argued. "And so do I," he added thoughtfully.

"I know already that you're only doing this in order to line your own pockets. You didn't have to involve me."

"You complain so much about these things all the time, but it's always your decision to get involved. I never force you. Well, maybe a few times, but mostly I don't." He stopped at the door to his office and performed a complicated series of charms and that crazy eastern magic he always uses with the paper and so on... I don't really care. "Ta-da!" He bowed me in, that manic glint in his eyes gleaming more brightly than ever. "I redid the office," he pointed out.

I really couldn't tell the difference. "Oh."

"It's slightly pinker," he clarified.

"I see." I wanted to hex him right then and there. "So what exactly did you want to discuss?"

"Well..." He sat down at his desk, fishing around in a drawer for a while before pulling out a parchment and unrolling it across the desktop, revealing something that looked suspiciously like a rough layout of the interior of Gringotts. "I want to tell you my exact plan."

I groaned, sitting down. This was going to take forever.

---------------

I got up, yawned, and rejoiced. Dad was GONE! Gone, gone, gone! I danced all the way down the hallway to the bathroom, and for once it was a dance of victory and not one of potty desire. Yessss! Then I danced down to the kitchen to breakfast, only to find a note waiting for my on the ice box.

-

"Hi Nadia! I took Severus to work with me. Hope you have something planned for today, otherwise you'll end up sitting home alone all because of me, your loving father. Bye!"

-

I stared at it, trying not to twitch.

My fucking father is never going to leave us alone. EVER.

With my mood totally ruined, I decided to cheer myself up with a Belgian waffle. For some reason, despite Severus' apparent hatred for all things muggle, he owns a Belgian waffle maker. It's rather... Mysterious, I guess. As I prepared the Belgian waffle, I started to plan my day in my head. I was going to... To... Ooh! I could finally find a proper piece of wall for Florian and Laszlo. And after that, I guess I could write. Or maybe look for some sort of... Job. And then maybe I could go shopping for clothes with Severus' money... I mean, if he's only using me for sex and the occasional orgasmic meal, I might as well suck him dry.

So, I put on some Seal, made my waffle, and dug in. Then, the owl post came. Nothing too exciting. Not until I found a letter for me in the pile, at least. I didn't recognize the return address, so I was a little wary at first, but then I decided to open it up. Inside was a letter formally informing me that I had been hired to work at that apothecary Severus shops at, and that the next day would be my first on the job.

I squealed in a very high-pitched voice.

A job! No more mooching, no more being useless, no more laying around the house like a blob! Wheeee! And plus a hot guy works there!

I finished up my breakfast and, invigorated by the news, immediately went upstairs to scope out wall space. The few portraits that were actually up seemed rather curious about my activities, but none of them actually bothered to question me. I think they were just wary of me.

After about an hour I found a decent space for Florian and Laszlo; it was between a couple of nice landscapes and across the hall from a portrait of a krup, of all things, so they couldn't bother anyone in the immediate vicinity. Plus, it was at the end of a hall on the first floor that apparently leads to nowhere- hence no one ever using it.

"Guess what!" I burst into my room and whipped the sheet off the portrait. "I found a wall!"

Florian and Laszlo immediately started cheering, so I picked them up and hauled them down the stairs (with a lot of huffing and puffing) and then, with very little skill, managed to use my wand to stick them to the wall.

"That should last at least a week," I informed them, tugging on the frame and immediately refraining at the strange sucking sound that issued from it.

"Um..." Florian raised his eyebrows at me.

"Oh, shut up, Grandpa." I flicked him in the face.

"Ack!" It's not like he was hurt or anything, anyway.

Laszlo started laughing, which triggered a sibling bitch fight, which in turn distracted them both enough for me to beat a hasty retreat.

I mean, sure, I like them alright. It's just that... Try having a fifteen year old boy and a five year old chatter machine living in your room. It's not all it's cracked up to be. Especially when you're getting dressed.

I spent the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon just writing gay porn, totally disregarding the rest of my plans for the day, since they required... Moving.

Then I heard Severus come home and go into the kitchen, rummaging around (probably for saltines, the bitch) and cursing.

"Guess what!" I shrieked, bounding into the kitchen.

"What?" Severus didn't seem too interested.

"I finally got a job!"

"You did?" That certainly got his attention. "Where?"

"At the apothecary!"

"You mean the one that's run by the old lady who hits on me?"

"Yes!"

"...I hate you."

"Sweet talk me all you want, but I'm not going to stay here with you all night and day, a toy for your whims. I need to get out and make my own way in the world, you know."

Severus glared at me, his lips thinned.

"Don't worry, I get Sundays off."

Without a word, he turned back to his oh-so-predictable box of saltines. "When do you start?"

"Tomorrow." I grabbed a glass of water and sat down at the table.

"When is your next day off?"

"Dunno. Why?"

"...I might... Want to... Do something."

"I can't just spend my whole day off having sex with you," I lied, sticking my nose in the air.

He frowned, crossing his arms. "You know, I was trying to actually ask you something, but I suppose you don't want to hear it," he sniped.

"Oh, fine, what is it?"

"I think we should go out. To dinner. Together."

My brain short circuited and I just stood there, drooling.

"Well?"

"On a d-d-d-d-daaaaaaate?" I asked, perfectly coherent.

"Yes, you ninny."

I made a few unintelligible noises, then jumped him like an African boll weevil. And we all know how well those little guys jump.

- - -

It was my big day, and I was already late by five minutes when I woke up. Well, a night of ravaging your lover to the point of exhaustion will do that to you.

So, I woke up and immediately knew I was late. Then, I saw the clock. "I'm late!" I shouted in Severus' ear, then kicked him a few times when I tried to disentangle myself from the sheets.

"Begone, you harpy," he mumbled and rolled over.

I pulled on the nearest set of undergarments, managed to locate my jeans, and pulled my shirt on as I was running downstairs. I sprinted to the entrance hall, grabbing my bag and yanking the front door open in one foul swoop.

"Here." Dad handed me a brush as I ran out of the house and he stepped in.

How the old fucker does that, I'll never know.

I managed to tame my hair by the time I got to the apothecary and I shoved the brush into my bag while pushing the door open with my massive behind.

"You're late."

I screamed and jumped, then whirled around to see a short, plump, round-faced woman standing at the counter and looking extremely bored.

"Nice," she commented.

"Um, sorry, I was, uh, held up." I took the few moments I was given by her bored stare to compose myself and my devil may care attitude.

"The faggot is waiting for you," she finally replied, jabbing her thumb toward a darkened hallway next to the counter that presumably led to the back of the store.

"...Thanks, I guess." I headed on in, and immediately figured out what she had meant when I ran into the shop's resident hot guy. "Um, I'm the new-"

"New recruit!" he interrupted me, running a hand through his wavy, light brown hair. "Join me up front, I need to welcome you."

"Uh..." I let him lead me back out to the counter, where we had a perfect view of the rows of tall shelves that filled the small shop.

He took a moment to fix his apron and hair, and straighten his name tag, then cleared his throat dramatically.

The girl behind the counter rolled her eyes.

"Welcome, welcome to our humble occupation!" The flamboyant pretty-boy gave a sweeping bow, indicating the entire shop. "I am the Junior Manager, Alexander Pierce. I am going to be your boss, since the old hag never comes out of the back room unless we get a customer she likes to ogle. The one thing you should know about this job is that you'll get along fine, as long as you do whatever I say. I am better than you, after all, since I am the most beautiful person in the world."

"...Um... What?" Was this guy for real?

"The word beautiful was meant for me." He flipped his hair, grooming. "You normal people are beneath me." He heaved a heavy sigh, looking extremely put upon. "I don't know why the old hag insists on hiring people so much less beautiful than I am."

"You're not being serious, are you?" I was a bit horrified by this so-called welcome, quite frankly.

"Of course I am. Can't you see how absolutely gorgeous I am?"

I just stared at him in disbelief.

"I see that you're stunned to silence by my blinding beauty. Margaret, over there behind the counter, will teach you what you need to know. Besides, you below average people should stick together."

"Whatever you say, Narcissus." I headed over to the counter before he had time to pick up on the reference.

"Welcome to Agatha's Apothecary," Margaret greeted in a rather monotonous voice. "Would you like a bag with your order?"

"I work here," I replied, sliding behind the counter.

"You'll get in trouble without a name tag." She pointed to one on her chest that said, "Hello! My name is Gina!"

"I thought your name was Margaret."

"I lead a double life."

"The new girl's name is Veronica," Alexander proclaimed, sauntering up to us and slapping a worn looking name tag down. "Wear it well." He then returned to his mysterious Junior Manager alcove.

"Nice to meet you, Veronica," Margaret said.

"My name is Nadia." I sighed, putting the name tag on. "And I'm starting to have my doubts about this place."

"It's not so bad," she replied, leaning on the counter. "You'll get used to the old hag and the beauty queen."

"Will I, truly?"

"Yeah. Anyway, I'm supposed to train you. This is the register. This is where you register items. This is the scale. It is where items are weighed. This is the refund box. It is where you will retrieve a cursed amulet for any customer who requests a refund. This is the counter. It is where you may place items before, during, and after purchase. Any questions?"

"Um... I guess not."

"Don't forget to tell the customers to have a good day. And if they ask where something is, send them to My Little Pony."

"Huh?"

"The Super Sexy Junior Manager," she clarified.

"What if he's not around?"

"Lie. It always works for me. And if they call the bluff, say we're out of it."

"I like your technique." I leaned on the counter, relaxing. However, it was at that time that the bell rang, signifying a customer entering the store.

"He's all yours," Margaret informed me.

I straightened up, awaiting the evil wrath of my first customer. I watched as he approached the counter in all of his sleaze-bag glory.

"Hello..." He leaned down, reading my name tag. "...Veronica. Do you have any bezoars in today?"

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" I replied in my most polite tone.

"W-what?"

"Don't call me by my fucking name, asshole. How about you introduce yourself first? What do you think I am, some fucking mail order bride?"

"Er... Hello, my name is Ralph."

"That's better." I crossed my arms, waiting. "And?"

"And I'd like to know if you have any bezoars in."

"How the hell should I know? Why don't you go look for one, you fucking think-for-yourselfer?"

"O-okay." He backed away from the counter and very carefully exited the store.

"Nice," Margaret congratulated.

"Did you chase away a customer?" Alexander floated up, looking rather angry. "Don't tell me you're losing business for us! Do you know how much money an attitude like that could cost the apothecary?"

"But it was Ralph," Margaret reassured him.

"Oh! Good job! Sometimes having a horrifyingly ugly face can come in handy, eh?" With that, he bounced back to the Junior Manager lair.

"He's annoying," I complained.

"I suppose." She eyed the mystical den of the Junior Manager. "Nice bum, though."

"True," I agreed.

"So why did you go off on Ralph like that?"

"He called me by my name without so much as a sodding introduction and I don't like that." I think Severus' dirty mouth was starting to rub off on me.

"Yeah, I hate that, too."

"Especially since the name tags are incorrect."

"Sure are."

After that we sort of just stood around in awkward silence, waiting for a customer or something. I decided that perhaps it would be a good idea to start up a conversation. "So... Um... You know who's awesome?"

"...Who?" She didn't seem all that interested.

"Seal."

"...Seal."

"Yup. And you know he's a cancer survivor. Face cancer."

"Face cancer? Where the hell did you hear something like that?"

"On one of those music channels."

"Oh."

More silence.

"Is this your first job?" Margaret suddenly blurted out.

"Ah, no. I've done some previous menial work, like fast food and such."

"Oh. You just seemed kind of young."

"I'll be nineteen in November," I offered.

"Ah, nineteen was a good year. I turned twenty-six in January."

"Capricorn?"

"Yup."

"I'm a Sagittarius."

She stared at me for a bit. "Are you serious?"

"Eh?"

"Do you actually believe in astrology?"

"Well, er... Isn't it kind of like-"

"No." She crossed her arms and glared at me. "It's not."

"But aren't you-"

"No. I'm a squib."

"Oooooh, sorry. I just thought that, you know- with the- um- right."

And that was how I very quickly found out that Margaret was the kind of person whose idea of fun is to sit down with her address book and cross out the names of people she'd lost touch with. Or maybe install weather stripping. Or to climb up to a rooftop and gun down pedestrians.

"So what do you do, aside from the apothecary thing? Or is this your career?"

"I'm a gallery artist," she sighed, not sounding very happy about it. "Mostly painting and drawing, I dabble in photography and printmaking. Hence my full-time job in the service industry."

"Not a very lucrative job, then?"

"Not unless you get a 'big break' or some such shit. For something like that, though, you'd have to be a huge knobhead with a fucking asshole for a mouth. Something along those lines, at least."

"Wow. That's graphic."

"Most artists are, these days. You don't really get any of that Norman Rockwell stuff anymore. Sort of sad, really."

"So... What are artists like?" I was rather curious; I'd heard of all the stereotypes of badly dressed, melodramatic, superficial idiots.

"Exactly the way people think they are. Barely a normal person in the bunch- I'm about as average as they come. The rest are all little shits who grew up rich and think that they're God's gift to humanity."

"I've heard they all dress like homeless people, too."

"Most of them. And they pay a fortune for their bag lady clothes."

"Wow. I'm sorry you have to be a part of that."

She shrugged. "Well, it's all about to pay off. I've got a gallery showing scheduled to open at the end of August, and then I'll be able to tell everyone else to shove it. I can't wait to get a load of what the critics say. These days everything needs to be conceptual, as far as they're concerned."

"Sounds stupid."

"More like fucking stupid."

"I don't approve of cursing in my store," Alexander suddenly interrupted, mysteriously emerging from the shadows. "Anyway, I was wondering if you'd seen my clipboard. You know, the one with the inventory on-" He was cut off by Margaret shoving the clipboard in question in his face.

"Knock yourself out," she told him.

"Thanks. So... Dinner break-"

"I'm on a diet."

"I'll get the grilled chicken, then."

"Add a coffee onto that."

"And you?" He turned to me, raising his eyebrows.

"Eh?" I was sort of lost at that point.

"At dinner time I get food from the cafe down the street during my break. You know, Angie's."

"Oh, I've heard of that place. Umm... I'll have grilled chicken, too. With a soda."

"Don't worry, it's my night to pay." He paused to glare at Margaret. "Unfortunately."

"Go back to your den, you beast," she replied.

"Hmph." With a little flip of his hair, he returned to the shadows from whence he came.

"Wow," I observed, rather surprised. "That was nice of him."

"He has to pay for a month because he lost a bet to me," Margaret replied.

"What kind of bet?"

"That his sister's not a virgin. Poor man's delusional when it comes to his little sister."

"Sounds sort of sweet."

"More like creepy. The girl is twenty-two."

"Oh."

"So, this is basically the job. You B.S. while you wait for a customer to come. It's usually like today: empty."

"Sounds sweet," I replied, proud of myself at having found the perfect part time job.

"I guess." She leaned her chin in her hand, and I did the same.

I had a feeling that I was going to fit in quite nicely at my new job.

- - -

I'd gotten home around midnight and gone straight to bed, since I'm not really used to working long shifts, but the next morning was heaven, because it was officially my first day off. I celebrated by relaxing, masturbating, and eating. That was really the basic structure of the day; Severus was gone doing something. Whatever. His loss!

Around midday Dad decided to drop by unannounced (I'm really starting to hate that, but according to Severus it's simply how things work).

"So what did you do today?" Dad asked me, helping himself to whatever swamp creatures were living in our cupboards. I really should clean them out.

"Nothing much. Just orgasmed three times and ate a cereal bar. You?"

"Same."

You know, sometimes it just hits me, for no particular reason at all, that Dad and I have a lot in common. I wonder why that is?

"I think I'm going to have another cereal bar."

"Get one for me, too." I sat down at the kitchen table, sniffing my fingers.

"I saw that," Dad replied. Then, with a thoughtful expression, he smelled his own fingers. "Ew."

"Just hand over the cereal bar," I sighed. I really didn't want to know where his fingers had been that he was sniffing them, too.

"Well, anyway... I think I'm going to go interrupt whatever Draco's doing and force him to shop for groceries with me."

"You guys ran out of groceries already?"

"Nope. I'm shopping for you."

"But-"

"Bye!" With that, he was gone.

I spent the next hour or so visiting with Florian and Laszlo, because I have no life. Yeah, it's pathetic. I was actually wondering whether or not Ginny was still going to follow through on her plans to invite Colin, Luna and myself to the Burrow for some fun and games. I decided to write to her as soon as I was done listening to Florian talk about something stupid, I don't know what, and then did just that.

As I was putting the last finishing touches on my letter, Severus entered the study.

"You're off?" he asked.

"I'm off," I confirmed.

"Then get ready."

"DAAAAAAAAATE!!!" I suddenly remembered, and flew out of my seat at his desk in the study to go prepare myself for the night of my life.

I was very excited when I was getting ready. I hardly ever have an excuse to dress up, especially an excuse that will probably get me laid. So, I got all decked out in a sophisticated outfit. I have a dress that I hardly ever wear, and I broke it out just for the occasion. It's not like a ball gown or anything... Okay, so the skirt is sort of above me knees. But I kept the fingertip rule in mind, honest! And it also happens to be a halter, so of course my boobs look ten times bigger. It's red, too, which is my color!

Okay, so I was getting a little more excited about the dress than the date... But only because the dress was a prelude to the date. Yeah, that's it.

"Are you ready yet?" Severus shouted from downstairs, completely ruining the mood.

"Almost!" I replied, pretty much unfazed. After all, AAAH FIRST DATE! I was practically frothing at the prospect of actually acting like a real live couple with Severus. I checked my hair in the mirror about three times, then picked out some super sexy shoes, a bag that went with my outfit, and hurried downstairs. "I'm ready!" I proclaimed.

"Finally," he groused; he was already waiting by the front door, in a robe that looked exactly like all his other robes, because all his robes look exactly the same. "Let's go."

So... We went.

Um... Yeah.

I was nervous, to be honest. It was a first date for us and, really, what exactly is a first date with a man you've already been living with supposed to be like? Well, there was only one way to find out.

The one disadvantage to walking almost everywhere is that you've got to make conversation along the way. The problem with this is, as I've found, that it is almost insurmountably difficult to have a conversation with Severus without it dissolving into an argument. Surprisingly enough, though, he was the one to extend the olive branch.

"I couldn't believe it when you came down the stairs in that." He gestured toward my outfit.

"Why not?" I, of course, was on the defensive immediately.

"I just didn't expect you to actually be wearing clothing that could be considered halfway decent by the general public." For him, this was a compliment, and a rather generous one at that.

"I see you've already begun your subtle seduction." There was only a small amount of sarcasm in my voice; I only meant it as a joke.

He frowned a bit, but made no comment. It was a sure sign that he was actually making an effort to be civil. I supposed that I owed him a compliment in return, if that were the case.

"You look rather dashing, you know." I'd meant it to be a kind of ambiguous, intriguing comment.

"Dashing?" He raised an eyebrow; I'd succeeded.

"Yes, dashing," I replied sincerely. "Like an elegant pirate captain." I thought it was a rather nice compliment.

He snorted. "I'll take that to heart."

"There's no need to get sarcastic."

"What do you expect, after calling me a pirate?"

"Where are we eating?" I changed the subject to avoid what seemed to be an argument in the works.

"Well, I originally planned to take you somewhere private, so no one would see you, but since you've dressed up-"

"Oh, haha, funny man. I'm in the mood for Italian, actually. Somewhere romantic."

"Romantic sounds good. No one will recognize you in the low light."

"You know, if you keep up the wise cracks I may actually go out of my way to embarrass you."

"And then I will never take you out again."

"Wait- You were actually planning on taking me out again?"

"I meant that in a completely hypothetical sense."

"You know, I think this may be the beginnings of what some may call an actual relationship."

"Think again," he grumbled sourly.

"Okay, so, Italian." I reverted back to the topic of food in an attempt to keep him from sulking or something. "Do you know any good places?"

"Of course I do," he replied indignantly. "Unlike you, I am refined and-"

I interrupted him with a snort.

"What was that for?"

"Refined? You? Mr. Whorebang?" I started laughing at him, which resulted in him sulking, anyway.

"You simply don't know what class is."

I tried my hardest to quell my laughter, and after a few minutes I finally managed to succeed. "Okay, so you're classy. I get it. So where are we going?"

"Some place," he grumbled. "La Cucina Rosa or something."

"...The Pink Kitchen?" I didn't know much about the Italian language, but I knew enough to translate that.

"I don't know."

"We're going to The Pink Kitchen."

"I should have never suggested this in the first place," he snapped.

"No, no, pink is good." My attempts to soothe him, however, weren't working.

"I don't know why I even bother," he growled, sounding like my mother.

"I don't know why your face," I shot back in a show of great wit.

Severus didn't seem very appreciative of my wit.

"Hey, do you think they'll have bruschetta there?" I figured I'd try to change the subject back to food again. "I've been in the mood for bruschetta, lately. And artichoke."

He looked at me like he wanted to choke me. Heehee, word play.

"Or... Not." Awwwwkwaaaaard.

"There it is," he pointed out, and I was quite surprised to see how nice the place was.

The facade was all stone with vines crawling up it, some of which were blooming, and the roof was shingled with terracotta tiles. There was an overhang that sheltered some outdoor diners, most of whom were sipping iced coffee.

"Ooooh!" I exclaimed.

"Please, at least try not to act like a child," he muttered as we approached the restaurant.

"Uh... Right. Got it."

We got a table out on the terrace (ooh!) right next to some grape vines, and were immediately handed menus.

Now, as a girl of delicate constitution, I usually like to keep my diet light and... Well, diet-ish. However, as a general rule, I order whatever the hell I want when I go out to eat. After all, I can't let some dietary restrictions plague me on an otherwise lovely evening. Well, maybe not exactly lovely, but... You get the picture.

So, I ordered the penne alla vodka. Of course. Severus got some rigatoni crap, I wasn't really listening to his order.

"So what did you get, some rigatoni crap?" I asked. Maybe I should have worded it a little more eloquently.

"Yes, that's exactly what I ordered," he replied sarcastically. "Rigatoni crap."

"You don't have to get all snippy with me. I was just asking you what you ordered."

"Well, you would already know what I ordered if you'd listened to me ordering it!"

"Er..." The waitress interrupted our bickering, her pen poised over her little notepad. "Would you like to order any wine with that?"

"I'll just have water," I insisted; I don't drink. Even if it's delicious, delicious wine. The thing is, I'm not one for moderation, nor do I hold my drink well. Last time I had anything alcoholic I woke up underneath Uncle Kristo's couch. Although, it was rather funny to see him jump up and yelp when I crawled out. I digress, though.

"I'll have the same," Severus told her, his voice sounding rather strained. "I can't believe you don't want wine."

"I never said you couldn't have any."

"But they only bring it out in bottles; I can't drink a whole bottle of wine by myself."

"Well, I don't drink. It causes me nothing but trouble."

"I'll bet you've never even had anything before." He was starting to sound a little whiny.

"Oh yes I have. I've had ouzo, and I've got to say I could definitely live without it." Despite ouzo being so delicious.

"Wine and ouzo are two totally different things!"

"They're both alcohol, and that's all I care about. Besides, I'm wearing heels!"

"Excuse me," the waitress interrupted again, giving us our water.

"Thank you," I thanked while Severus glared at me. "Let's just stop fighting and try to have a civil meal together."

"I'm not sure if that's even possible." He unfolded his napkin and placed it on his lap, then raised an eyebrow at me and kept it raised until I did the same. He is such a mother!

"It would be, if it wasn't for your grouchiness and constant sniping," I reminded him calmly.

"Oh, so it's my fault." He snorted. "As usual, your vision of reality is greatly skewed."

"And as usual, you're being a huge grump. Why can't we just have a normal conversation without it dissolving into petty bickering?" I crossed my arms, frowning.

"Because it involves you speaking."

"You always have to be so snarky." I took a sip of my water. It didn't really taste that great. "I think you're just trying to mask your true feelings for me."

"You mean utter disgust?"

"I mean infatuation." I waggled my eyebrows, to boot.

"No, I think it's disgust. Especially now."

"Keep sweet-talking me, you might even be able to get a goodnight kiss."

He glared at me.

"You know, I think this is part of our charm as a couple."

"We're not a couple."

I ignored him, of course. "We bicker and fight and whatnot- but really, it's only out of love."

"I'm going to pretend you never said that."

"Alright. Oh, play it cool, our food is coming."

He rolled his eyes as I tried to act like I wasn't eyeing the tray that the waitress was carrying over.

After she'd served us our dinner, we were pretty much silent. I guess we're just the kind of people who like to focus on a meal when we're eating it; you know, savor every bite. I made my best effort not to wolf down the penne alla vodka like a crazed rabid hobo. All in all, I think I did an alright job of it. I still finished before he did, though.

Well, I guess I'm just a fast eater.

I searched my mind for something to say to maybe start a conversation that wouldn't become an argument, but the only topic like that was sex. And that would be sort of inappropriate. I settled on just slight nagging. Alright, and maybe a little sex.

"You know what, Severus?"

He grunted.

"I think our relationship reached its high point back when I was constantly irritating you at school."

He stopped eating, that twitch that had been absent for oh so long returning to its rightful place in his jaw. "You aren't serious, are you?"

"I'm very serious. I mean, we had more interesting and passionate conversations back then, and now we barely even converse- and although it is nice to be having sex with you whenever I want it, I feel as though we're lacking something."

"Maybe that something is me liking you."

"Yeah, we are kind of missing that. Genuine affection, you know? Oh, and truffles."

"Our relationship is lacking... Truffles."

"Yes. Well, not the chocolates- I mean the mushrooms that grow underground, that only pigs can sniff out. Those kind. But I can't find any truffles anywhere!"

"...This is why we don't converse."

"And you know what else we're lacking?" I continued, just to irritate him.

"I don't want to know."

"Bondage."

He looked as though he was about to speak, then stopped, his brow furrowing. "Wait... Are you serious about that?"

"Of course I am!" Might as well resort to sex. The night was heading in that direction, anyway.

"I see." He turned to wave over a waiter. "Check, please," he requested.

"You old dog," I huffed as the waiter bustled off.

"That wasn't a hint?"

"It was, but I just feel like being contrary."

"Save it for the bedroom."

We paused as the waiter returned with our check.

"You know, I don't think I should really put out on a first date," I went on, trying to be coy.

"Oh yes you should," Severus argued, fishing around in his money bag for coins.

"Well, alright, but just for you." I winked at him, too.

"Whatever." He dropped a few galleons on the table top and practically jumped out of his chair. "Alright, let's get out of here."

"My pleasure," I replied, standing very, very slowly and brushing myself off. I grabbed his elbow before he could slip away and made sure that we stayed like that the whole walk back to the manor. Ah, the perfect first date; lots of bickering, good food, and bondage.

We really should go out more often.