A Sojourn with Severus Snape

Chapter 6: Fame, Fortune, and Woohoo

Love at first sight only happens to beautiful people.

- - -

I was beginning to wonder about the wisdom of the decision to have my friends over while my horny dad was desperately trying to recapture his youth as a terrible slut. The doubt in my mind was mostly fueled by the lewd looks he kept giving Luna during lunch one day, although she didn't seem to mind. I thought she was into younger men, anyway! And the way he kept asking her to pass things was appalling.

"Luna, would you please pass the mustard?" The way he asked her sounded like he was really saying, "Luna, would you please pass me your coochie?" It was disgusting!

"Sure." And her reply was... Well, normal. But still!

"Luna, would you mind handing me a napkin?"

"Stop hitting on her!" I growled, snatching the napkin from Luna's hand and hurling it at him.

"Er... What are you talking about?" He raised his eyebrows in the most innocent manner, but I knew the ugly truth!

"You're driving me insane!" I howled.

"Nadia, calm down," Ginny tried to reason with me.

"I refuse! This is absurd!" I turned an accusing finger toward Dad. "Take out your gross old man urges on somebody else!"

"Like Severus?" Dad asked, a puzzled expression on his face.

Ginny only barely managed to hold me back. "Help me out, Colin!"

Colin, who had been strangely silent throughout the entire meal, took Dad by the collar and dragged him out of the room, and out of harm's way.

"Nadia, he was just kidding!" Ginny attempted to reassure me.

"Blarg!" I insisted, frothing at the mouth.

"She'll be fine," Luna sighed, staring down at her sandwich. "Unless she ate the bologna. There's a bargle-mouthed tree florg in it."

"What in the hell is going on here?" Severus chose that precise moment to walk into the kitchen, looking particularly sexy; he'd been gardening (that utter girl), so he was wearing an apron (WOman) and some thick dragonhide gloves. Plus, he had his hair tied back. Yum.

"Dad's trying to steal you!" I shrieked, perhaps going a little overboard. "Come here so I can pee on you!" I wanted to mark my territory.

"...I'll come back later." He turned to leave, heading for the room Colin had dragged Dad into.

"No, it's a trap!"

Ginny slapped me. "Get ahold of yourself, you psycho!"

"Don't slap me!" I replied, slapping her back.

Luna slapped me. "I felt left out."

After a minute or so (and another slap or two) I managed to calm down.

"You really need to stop being so hard on your dad," Ginny scolded, crossing her arms.

"You're just saying that because you want to do him," I grumbled back.

"He's only trying to find himself."

"Or an STD."

"Oh, come on. Are you saying that Luna is a dirty whore riddled with STDs?"

"That hurts," Luna informed me. "Right here." She patted her chest, looking completely unfazed.

"You all suck," I sighed, finally accepting the fact that my father is a dirty, disgusting whore. "I guess I'll just have to... Get over it or something."

"Yes, you most certainly will," Ginny replied. "Now let's go out on the town!"

"What are you talking about? We haven't even finished breakfast."

"Are you still hungry?"

"...No."

"Then let's clean up and get going!"

"Can we at least turn on the radio and clean up eighties montage style?" I was already heading for the wireless. "All muggle music on the muggle station! Woohoo!"

"Really?"

"I like muggle music," Luna stated vaguely.

"Oh my GOD!" I screeched, turning up the radio. "Rick Springfield!"

"What?" Ginny shouted.

I jumped up and began to show off my amazing air guitar skills, singing along. "And she's loving him with that body, I just know it!"

"Are you talking about your dad and Luna?"

"Shut up!" I yelled, dancing along and forgetting about all my troubles. "Where can I find a woman like that?" Air guitar solo! Oh yeah! Jazz hands!

"Shut off that crap!" Severus roared from the next room.

I just turned the volume up. "Let's clean!" It is at times like these that life is truly sweet.

--- ---

"...So why are you hitting on everyone else, right in front of me?" Creevey was seething.

Apparently, I had walked in on something. After fleeing from the enraged beast, I found Creevey and Nathanyel in some sort of deep discussion. Although, I doubt it could be that deep.

"Ah, Severus!" Nathanyel turned to me, completely ignoring Creevey. "How was your gardening?"

"What did you do to your daughter?" I shot back, ignoring his question. "She wants to pee on me, for Merlin's sake!"

"Oh, nothing, just made a bit of a joke about having sex with you, that's all," he replied in a rush. "Anyway, Colin, why don't we take this discussion somewhere more private, hmm? How about my bedroom?" He grabbed Creevey by the wrist and fled from the room with him.

I meanwhile, was quite appalled. If he mentions anything, anything about our past, I'll wring his skinny little neck! And, on top of everything else, just as I was pondering that, the creature put on some God-awful muggle music and blasted it through the house. "Shut off that crap!" I received no response, save the fact that she only turned it up.

I decided that my best choice was to head back outside and weed every inch of my yard, by hand.

- - -

It was some time later when I found myself finally able to relax in my own home. It's pathetic, I know, but it's what I get for allowing Nathanyel and his evil demon spawn into my life.

"What up, home dog?"

Speaking of which...

"Guess what. Just guess."

"I don't care!" I growled, trying to ignore Nathanyel's irritating presence.

"I'm going for Luna today."

"I don't need to hear it," I grumbled.

"You're just angry that I'm going to win the bet. Admit it, go on!"

"You are not going to win," I grumbled.

"Oh yeah? Just you watch. Today Luna, tomorrow the world!"

"That's nice," Lovegood replied.

I held in a snicker as I watched Nathanyel nearly jump out of his skin; Lovegood had actually snuck up on him.

"Hullo, Luna! How are you?" Of course, despite his surprise, Nathanyel was still going to attempt to seduce Lovegood. It was just too... Awful.

"I'm fine." She didn't seem to be in a very talkative mood.

"Well, that's good to hear. Say, I was wondering if maybe you'd want to-"

"Have sex?" That was certainly an unexpected interruption.

"...What? Er- I-"

"That's what you were after, right?"

"Er."

I suppressed a laugh; for once in his life, the idiot was lost for words. But then, he'd always been awkward with women.

"Where do you want to do it?" She was staring at him with those horrid eyes of hers.

"Er... A bed?"

"Alright. Let's go."

I was absolutely floored; the thought of those two- ew. Just... Disgusting. And the fact that Lovegood was the one to initiate the entire thing was also disgusting. I just hope that I don't end up walking in on any of it.

- - -

"Hallo!" Nathanyel plopped into my favorite chair while I was trying to find a book.

"You are utterly disgusting," I snarled, aware of what he had just finished doing.

"You're just angry because you're the only one not getting laid," he replied airily. "And because you're going to lose the bet."

"I am not."

"I only have Ginny left, and she's ready to jump on me, anyway. Face it; you're dead meat." He yawned loudly, stretching. "What I could really go for, though, is some well-deserved rest." He settled down in the chair, his eyes slowly closing.

"Erm... Mr. Page? Sir?" Creevey entered the room, thereby completely ruining all of its previous ambiance.

"Eh?" Nathanyel, who had just been drifting off for his nap, snorted a bit and stared at the boy with drooping eyelids.

"I was wondering if we could... Er... Talk..." Creevey shuffled his feet a bit, staring at the floor.

"Don't be such woman," he grumbled, slumping back in the chair, obviously intending to return to his nap.

"W-what?"

"I liked you better when you were a virgin."

"Huh?"


"Give it up," I advised as Nathanyel began to snore softly. "You're yesterday's news." I turned the page in my book, even though I was really watching for his response. The boy looked angry, if anything, and he left the room without another word. "Lover's spat, is it?"

Nathanyel grunted.

"I know you're not really asleep."

"I suppose so," he yawned, stretching. "It got rid of him, though."

"You're a horrible person."

"I know."

"So you're done shagging him?"

"Yuuup." He stretched, yawning. "I'm moving on to greener pastures."

"I hope you don't mean Lupin." I raised my eyebrows at him to further express the sentiment.

"Weeellll... Nah, I don't think I'm going to shag Remus." He blushed, biting his fist. "Just... Other things."

"You disgust me."

"I know." He giggled a bit (that utter schoolgirl) and began playing with a pull in his trousers. "Have you spoken to him, lately?"

"I don't see why I should tell you."

"You have! Did he mention me?"

"Perhaps."

"D'you think he'd like to... You know... With me?"

"Yes."

"Really?" He seemed excited.

"I've only been saying it for two decades straight." I, on the other hand, was quite annoyed. That little tit can't even keep it in his pants for more than five minutes, for Merlin's sake.

"D'you think... He... He fancies me?"

"Why? Do you fancy him?"

"No. I was just... Wondering."

"Well, why don't you stop acting like a thirteen-year-old girl and go ask him yourself?"

"I couldn't." He blushed. "Besides... I've tried coming on to him, and you know how that turned out."

"I'm sure you'll keep at it."

"You think I should?" He paused, nibbling on his knuckles again. "Yeah, I should. Thanks, Sev!" He jumped up, a huge grin on his face, and scampered out of the room.

I don't know why I deal with him. I really don't.

--- ---

I plopped down onto the sofa in the parlor next to Severus after a tiring day of running around the marketplace and scaring people, and also handing in an application to the apothecary where the old woman hits on him. After a few moments of silence, and after carefully considering the fact that I told my companions to make themselves scarce so I could seduce Severus, I decided to go through with my plans. "Hey, Severus." I had the best line ever.

"What?"

"Are you an astronaut?"

"...What?" He set down the syllabus he had been writing to stare at me.

"Because your ass is out of this world!"

"If you were a man, I would hit you." Pursing his lips, he turned back to his work.

"Oh, come on!" I insisted. "I want some damn booty, you cold fish!"

"No."

"We haven't had sex in a million years! I'm horny and I don't want to wait for it!" I decided to tackle him and overpower him with my ferocious female sex muscles.

"I have a syllabus to write!" he protested weakly; I could see that he was wielding beneath my fist of fury.

"Write it later."

"...Fine."

When we were snogging (ferociously) I suddenly realized that I was due for my period. Of course, I knew that Severus would be ecstatic, seeing as he's a menstrual loving pervert, so I decided to continue.

And, yeah, he did love it.

- - -

"Ahhh, so refreshing!" I exclaimed as I emerged from the bathroom and headed downstairs, having had super hot menstrual fetish sex and putting a tampon in. As I descended the stairs, I noticed that Dad was standing at the front door, ready to go out. "Hey, Dad! Where are you going?"

He paused, looking rather serious (for once in his life.) "I'm heading for the cemetery."

"Oh." I felt a bit like a jackass after that.

"...Would you like to come with me?"

"Sure." I already had my bag with me... And he was looking a bit down in the dumps. "Um... Who are we visiting?"

"Just one person, today." He grabbed a rather elaborate bouquet from the coffee table and headed for the door.

"How are we getting there?"

"I've arranged a portkey." He indicated a soda can sitting on the small stand next to the front door. "So, whenever you're ready..." He trailed off, frowning.

It was rather weird, for Dad to be acting... Not insane. "I'm ready," I said, poising my hand over it.

Traveling to the cemetery reminded of one vital fact that always seemed to put other wizards off about me: I hate portkeys. It's the sensation that gets me; it just feels wrong.

Anyway, we were somewhere around the middle of the cemetery, and I watched Dad as he looked around a bit, then turn to his left and start walking. "There are a lot of people here who were killed by Death Eaters," he informed me. "Mostly from when I was a kid."

"Oh." There's really nothing I can say to a comment like that, is there? Is there?

"Ah, here we are." He stopped at a very non-descript grave, kneeling down and laying the flowers in front of it.

I peered down at it; who the hell was Edward Dietrich, anyway? And it looked like he had died quite early; when I did the math, I realized that he was thirteen. And Dad was seventeen in the year listed on the gravestone. "Was that someone you knew in school?"

"Yeah, you could say that." He sighed, staring at it. "His family was killed by Death Eaters. Except for his older sister, that is. I've only ever spoken to her once."

"Why?"

"She hated me."

"Why did she hate you?" Perhaps I was pressing him a bit too hard.

"There was this rumor going around that I was molesting Edward."

"Um... Okay." Well... I suppose it's not so surprising that a rumor like that was made up about Dad; I mean, he's not exactly the reserved type.

"Yeah," he agreed. "I guess I understand. He was in love with me, after all."

"Wow." I was being a little monosyllabic, but what am I supposed to say to my father when he just comes out and goes, "Here's a dead thirteen-year-old who was in love with me"?

"Sorry. I'm making you uncomfortable."

"Yeah, you are."

We stood together for a while, staring at the gravestone.

"So, do you have any pictures of him?"

"Why?"

"Well..." How to explain my ever-present mission to find out more about my father's past? "I want to know more about your past and all that." It seemed like the straightforward approach would be best. "And this guy is obviously important to you, if you're still visiting his grave. So I'd like to see what he looked like."

"Oh." Dad shifted a bit, looking uncomfortable. "I... Well, I have one on me." He pulled out his wallet, flipping through it. I shuffled sideways to look over his shoulder and watched as he stopped at a picture of me when I was about two and pulled another photo out from behind it. I found it kind of creepy that he kept a photo of some young boy I'd never heard of in his wallet, but alright. "Here." He handed it to me, and I stared down for a long time.

Edward Dietrich was probably the cutest boy I'd ever seen in my life. "He's so cute." He had huge brown puppy dog eyes and the moppiest, softest looking brown hair and he was so tiny and cute and blushing! Eeek! Okay, sorry, happy cute boy moment.

"Yeah, I guess he was pretty cute." Dad frowned.

"What, didn't you like the kid? You've got a picture of him." I handed the photo back.

"Yeah, I guess I liked him alright." He put the picture back into his wallet. "If you want to head back now, you can."

I took the hint and headed off, apparating back to Hogsmeade. I was only a mile or so away from my intended destination, which was, in my opinion, rather awesome. Well, it was as far as my skills go.

Time for a word game!

Apparation.

Apparition.

Aboriginee.

"Hey!" I was greeted by Colin, who was sitting out on the porch with a glass of lemonade and a sun hat.

Um... Okay.

"Where did you go off to?" he went on, taking a sip of lemonade.

"You're in a good mood," I replied, staring at his sun hat. It had a ribbon on it.

"Yeah, I guess."

"Have you been spending any time with Dad?"

He choked on his lemonade. "W-why would you ask that?"

"Because of the hat." I pointed at it and made a face, to further convey my message.

"I have sensitive skin!" He was pouting, for God's sake. "Why do you always have to make fun of me? You know I used vacation time at work to come visit and now all you do is bust my chops-"

"Alright, already!" I interrupted his excessive guilting before I was crushed by guilt. "Wanna listen to some Journey?"

"Okay."

So, yeah... It was an exciting day, I guess. Ginny and Luna listened to Journey with us, too. When we started getting hungry, we ventured inside Severus' haunted Victorian mansion. Dad was sitting in the kitchen, looking rather morose. To be honest, I was hesitant to talk to him, but I figured I should since... You know... We're related and stuff.

"Are you okay, Dad?"

"Yeah," he sighed, leaning his head on his hand. "It's just that... I was thinking... I may need to retire Lorraine."

"What? Why?" I was rather curious; he loved that car more than any man should love an inanimate object, after all.


"Well, she's not really all that economical anymore. I think she needs a sister." Even though that probably wasn't the correct wording for it, he was right.


"Please. Don't tell me you're thinking of getting another car." I don't think I could stand him swooning over another automobile.


"Nah." He looked pensive for a moment. "What do you think of a Vespa?"


"...Don't speak to me."


"But-"


"No. No more." I walked out of the room, no longer wishing to view his mid-life crisis infested visage.

"Colin's cooking tonight!" Ginny called after me.

I decided to just... You know... Write gay porn. Well, I prefer to call it homosexual erotica. One day I'll get one of these babies published and then the world will see what a genius I am! Haha!

Anyway, I settled down at Severus' desk in his study and just let the creative juices flow. He says he doesn't like me using his desk for my "disgusting pervertedness" but I think it's just because he doesn't want me to see the picture he has of me. He even tries to hide it, like he thinks I don't know. It's sort of cute, really. Eventually, Ginny and Luna joined me to help me along a bit- nothing like a second opinion to prevent writers' block. Then Dad had to wander in and spread his gross oldness all over. Yuck.

Well, he was actually a little helpful. He knows a suspicious amount of information about gay sex, in fact. At least, it would have been suspicious if he wasn't flirting with Ginny the ENTIRE TIME. UGH. I think he's going to eventually turn me off of the entire male race. He's just such a slut.

"When's Colin going to finish dinner?" I finally voiced after a while; I was starting to get hungry.

"Give him a break," Ginny replied. "He's been working hard in there."

"Yeah, yeah. I could have finished it half an hour ago!" I love to boast about my culinary prowess.

"Oh, well," Dad sighed. "Not everyone is perfect."

"I am," Luna added.

Ginny snorted. "I'm going to help set the table. Let's go, Luna."

As they left, I had the feeling that there was something that was being kept from me. "So, Dad-"

"You are an idiot!" Severus came barreling into the study like a bitch on wheels (which he usually is, anyway) and hit Dad.

"I'm sorry." Dad looked rather bewildered; I, personally, think that it should become a daily ritual. Maybe Severus found out about his plans to acquire a Vespa?

"Look what I found at the market today." Severus handed the latest issue of "Witch Weekly" to him, scowling.

"Oh, fuck," he replied.

"What is it, Dad?" I was quite curious.

"Somebody's out to ruin me, I know it."

"Why?" I asked.

"Look!" He tossed the magazine onto the coffee table, and I caught sight of an article titled "Wizarding Britain's Ten Most Eligible Bachelors." The number one spot read "Nathanyel Page."

"...Huh?"

"My thoughts exactly," Severus concurred.

"I'm done for!" Dad fretted.

"Dinner's ready!" Colin announced.

"Why are you done for?" I asked Dad.

"Women!" he wailed.

"Women?"

"They're scary and they have cooties!" I smacked him with the magazine before leaving the room for some dinner.

I'd actually had no idea that Colin was such a good cook; the chicken was tender and moist, and the mashed potatoes had just the right amount of garlic in them... Yum. The only thing I didn't like about the meal was Dad's annoying brooding. Yes, brooding. By desert (a blackberry tart, yummy) I was ready to punch him in the face.

"Aha!" Dad suddenly slammed his fork down on the table, that insane glint in his eyes surfacing. "I've just gotten a genius idea!"

"...What?" I asked warily. He looked around at all of us, then took a deep breath.

"I need a fake bird."

"Huh? You mean like the stuffed vulture on Mrs. Longbottom's hat?" Ginny asked.

"No, no. An imaginary lover! A bird!"

"That's such a degrading term," I groused.

"But where am I going to find someone-"

"I volunteer!" Ginny nearly shouted, jumping up.

"You're an embarrassment," I grumbled.

"Relax, it's just to keep other women away," Dad soothed. I glanced back at Ginny to see an expression on her face that basically read, "Not if I can help it."

"I'll have nothing to do with this."

"Good," Ginny agreed amiably, taking Dad by the arm. "Come on, Baby, let's go out for coffee!" I stuck my tongue out at him as Ginny dragged him, helpless to resist, from the kitchen.

"Eek! Cooties!" The sound of Ginny's powerful backhand echoed through the house.

"Serves him right."

"They'll make a cute couple," Luna proclaimed.

"Luna, you're not helping."

--- ---

It was a testament to how quickly gossip traveled in the magical community that when I went to the Ministry with Nathanyel the morning after he decided to make Weasley his fake "bird," her father was waiting for him. I had a feeling that whatever was about to happen was going to be quite amusing, so I elbowed the numbskull. "Arthur Weasley looks like he wants a word with you."

"Oh! Okay!" Nathanyel practically skipped over to Arthur, who was directing a rather murderous glare at him.

"Hello, Nathanyel," he ground out.

I suppressed a smirk.

"Oh, hullo, Arthur," Nathanyel replied brightly. "How are you?"

"Not. Good."

"That's an awful shame. What seems to be the problem?" He tilted his head a bit, listening intently.

"You... My daughter..."

"Ah, I see. Well... Goodbye!"

"Nathanyel! Get back here!"

Nathanyel stopped, looking back; he seemed ready to bolt at any moment. "Yes?"

"What is wrong with you? My daughter?"

"Relax, it's nothing."

"Relax? Relax? What if I were dating your daughter?"

"Nadia?" He blinked, frowning. "Nahhh. I mean, you've always struck me as a one-woman man. Besides, she'd never go for you." Arthur just stared at him. "No offense, of course, but she's more of a Slytherin fan. She likes the surly, sarcastic type. Besides, I'm not sure how she feels about redheads."

"...Nathanyel." Arthur looked as if he had a splitting headache. "Please stop."

"Sorry. You're just not her type."

"I'm going to kill you."

"That sounds exciting!"

"Argh!"

Watching Arthur Weasley have a complete meltdown was actually rather amusing, especially since the target of his rage happened to be Nathanyel. "Now this stuff I like to be around for."

"Help me, Severus!"

"My pleasure," I replied to Arthur.

I have to admit, I had a very entertaining afternoon.

After Nathanyel's skirmish with Arthur Weasley, I accompanied him to where he was to drop off some type of file, at which point some insane co-worker of his hit on him because he was wearing that God-awful kilt of his. "Why did you take Arthur's side, anyway?" he whined like a little sissy as the chore was completed. "You're my friend."

"You're also a dumbarse," I replied.

"You aren't allowed to say anything; you're dating my daughter for real!"

"It was your idea!"

He paused to sulk for a moment. "Well, anyway, if I'm going to get the shit beat out of me for screwing someone, I might as well screw her."

"So you're going to try to win the bet?"

"Yup."

"Good luck." There was no way he was going to get Weasley into bed.

"What are you so smug about?"

"Well, not to be insulting, but I've overheard my fair share of conversations and Lovegood's been talking about you." I couldn't wait to deflate his ego.

"And?"

"And, according to her, you aren't anything to behold. If you know what I mean."

He stared at me for a long time. "...I'm sorry. What?"

"You suck at fucking women."

"No I don't!" He was in denial, of course.

"I'm only repeating the opinions of poor, sexually deprived Miss Lovegood."

"She said that to Ginny?"

"I'm afraid so." It was just too easy to break the "bad" news to him.

"Well... She wouldn't believe that, anyway. Would she?"

"Women tend to stick together." I patted him on the shoulder. "Don't worry. Maybe she'll take pity on you."

"Unacceptable!" He swatted my hand away. "Nobody turns down Nathanyel Page!"

I snorted.

"I'm going to seduce her today, and you're going to listen in so you can hear for yourself how desperate she is to have my body!"

"Alright." I couldn't wait to hear the words of rejection that I was certain Weasley would issue to him.

Of course, he went right after her the moment we returned home- to my home. "Okay, stand here at the door and just listen to me work my magic," he instructed like the twit he was.

"Sure." I waited where he told me to, and overheard the following horrendous atrocity.

"Hey, Ginny."

"Yeah?"

"Exactly how bad have you heard I am in bed?" He wasn't wasting any time, there.

"Not that bad, from what Luna tells me. Just nothing spectacular." She was just being nice.

"Huh. My wife never complained." Right, just go ahead and bring up your ex-wife. That's an aphrodisiac.

"Was she a virgin before you met her?"

"Yes."

"Well, then, there you go."

"Hm." He sounded like he'd been knocked down a few notches.

"You're still attractive." Oh, please.

"Believe me, I know." And he recovered.

"Just don't try to claim you're a fantastic lover or anything."

"Well, I'm usually much better with men."

"Oh my God with men!?"

"Er... Never mind."

"That is so hot!" What was she saying?

"Really?"

"Yes!"

"Well... I always thought so."

"Have sex with me right now." Weasley is a freak. There's no other explanation.

"Um... Okay."

Why is my life so terrible? Why does Nathanyel outright force me to hear these kinds of things? And why did I lose this fucking bet? I don't want to take that beast out on an actual date! It's a fate worse than death! Perhaps if I killed myself... No, I wouldn't do that.

Dammit.

--- ---

I was hanging out with Luna and Colin in the parlor when it happened; the unthinkable. Ginny came prancing into the room, looking like the cat that got the cream.

"Luna, you were right, but damn was that satisfying!"

Luna just shrugged.

Colin raised his eyebrows.

I looked back and forth between Luna and Ginny before posing the question that would result in my billionth Dad-related meltdown. "What was so satisfying?"

"Fucking your dad," Ginny replied casually.

"That's not a very good joke."

"That's because it isn't a joke. I just finished nailing your dad!" She did a little... Victory dance, I suppose. "Another notch in my belt, oh yeah!"

"You can't be serious. You didn't have sex with my dad."

"She did," Luna informed me. "And so did I."

I was... Well, enraged would be putting it lightly. Of course, that was the moment that Dad decided to waltz into the room, arguing with Severus about something while he frowned and tapped a rolled up newspaper against his leg.

"Oh, hello everyone," Dad greeted.

"What did you do!?" I burst out, pointing at him.

"Huh?"

"I told her," Ginny informed him.

"Shit."

"Give me that!" I grabbed the newspaper away from Severus, pointing it at Dad. "Who's a bad Dad!?"

"Uh..."

"Bad Dad!! BAD!!" I beat him about the head with the rolled up newspaper. "You know what you did! Very, very bad! Go out in the yard!"

"But-"

"NOW!"

With a bit of a sniff, he headed out to the backyard. "I want you to know that I am filled with emotion right now!"

"Don't make me come back there!"

"I wish I could punish my parents," Ginny grumbled.

I hit both her and Luna with the newspaper. "I can't believe you both slept with my dad!"

"So?" Luna asked.

"So it makes you terrible people!"

"No it doesn't. It makes us horny people."

"She has a point," Ginny defended her and herself.

"This is RIDICULOUS!!" With that, I made my grand exit and locked myself in my bedroom to sulk. Actually, I locked myself in Severus' bedroom because it has a loo. Haha, fucking toilet.

Yeah. This is me when I'm ANGRY.

"Nadia?" Colin was at the door.

"Are you here to negotiate?" I asked... Through the door.

"Yeah."

"Get me some chocolate and I'll let you in."

"I already have some."

I debated for a moment, then let him in; it paid off, because he had a box of truffles with him. "Yes!" I devoured them.

"I think you're being too hard on Ginny and Luna."

"What about Dad?"

"I don't care about him." He sounded pretty resentful, there. "But, I was thinking... Maybe part of the reason you're so angry is... Is because even though your parents are divorced, you feel like they're stealing your dad away from your mum. Or maybe that they're stealing him away from you."

"Maybe." I played with the wrapper of a truffle; it was a bit awkward, since it was the first time I'd actually talked about the divorce. "How'd you figure that out, anyway?"

"My parents got divorced a while ago."

"Oh, yeah. Brain fart moment."

"Well, we never really talked about it. I never liked to mention it."

"Yeah. Me neither, apparently."

"At least he's not marrying one of them," Colin pointed out.

"That would be gross," I accepted. "Well... I guess I can get over it, eventually. I mean, I am living with Dad's best friend. It's just... Disgusting."

"Tell me about it."

"Yeah. Speaking of telling... What's with you and Luna, anyway?"

He blushed furiously. "Um, I've just been talking to her... About stuff..."

"What kind of stuff?"

"You'll be angry at me."

"No I won't," I promised. At least I knew already that he couldn't possibly have slept with my dad.

"Well... I kind of had a bit of a thing for your dad... And he, um, shot me down."

"Oh. Okay. I didn't know I'd turned you gay." This was something of a surprise.

"I'm not gay!"

"Okay, I believe you." It totally made sense.

"I just... Experienced a lack in judgement. That's all."

"Okay." I patted him on the shoulder. "Well, wounds heal. And I guess I can get over my dad being a heinous slut, in time. I'm just gonna... Sit on it for a while."

"Sure." Colin left me to my sulking after that. He's totally gay.

Eventually, though, I decided that life was too short to stay angry about the sex stuff, and that I could bring it up later for guilting anyway, so I went downstairs and informed everyone that I forgave them. And I let Dad back inside the house, too. But I made him stay on the newspaper.

- - -

Severus and I were sitting in the parlor after everyone had gone to bed, reading together. He wanted to unwind, and I wanted an excuse to hang out with him, so, you know. Unfortunately, I also had a guilty conscience that needed attention.

"Severus." I snapped my book shut. "I need to unload."

"Is that your way of announcing your need to use the bathroom?"

"No. Just listen to me for once in your pathetic life."

"Go ahead," he grumbled, begrudgingly closing his book.

"I'll just jump right in, then. I feel like such a bum."

He raised an eyebrow at me.

"I can't even find a job, I'm leeching off of you, and for some inexplicable reason, even though you hate me, you've taken me in as your lover. I really don't have anything to offer in return, though. What is with you? Do you have some sort of complex? Are you just doing my father a favor?" He raised an eyebrow at me.

"If I absolutely hated you, you wouldn't be here right now." It took me a moment to absorb the information.

"What?"

"I don't necessarily hate you. I just dislike you. There's a difference, believe it or not."

"You don't hate me?"

"No. And if I were to be perfectly honest, I'm starting to get used to you. At least, I no longer wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night with the powerful urge to commit suicide."

"Really?"

"Yes. Besides, you have plenty to offer me. Like... Sex, for instance." He turned to the next page in his book. "And, on the rare occasion, food."

"What about stimulating conversation?"

"I don't recall such a thing ever occurring."

"Jerk."

"Immature bitch."

"Hypocrite." I always thought the heart-to-hearts that Severus and I have were touching.

"Nadia?" Ginny popped her head into the parlor. "Talk time."

"Alright." I punched Severus in the arm before joining her in the hall.

"Listen... Colin and Luna and I were all talking, and we thought it would be best if we just packed it up and headed on out tomorrow morning."

"How come?"

"Well... How do I put this nicely? You, your dad, and Snape are all crazy mofos. And since we slept with your dad, it's a bit awkward. Sorry. I'm also tired of all the middle-aged women on the street glaring at me because they lust for your dad... Besides, Luna and Colin have work, and I've got an internship coming up that Charlie wants to help me 'prepare' for-"

"Charlie? Why him?"

"It's a dragon taming or whatever internship... Something like that."

"I didn't know you liked dragons."

"Well, Charlie got it for me and I just couldn't break his fragile little heart."

"Alright, then. I guess I'll just see you guy around."

"Yeah. Just don't ask us to stay over here ever again."

"Go to bed, Ginny." After that discussion, I rejoined Severus.

"So your awful friends are finally vacating my home?" he asked. He is such an eavesdropper.

"Yeah. They hate you."

"Hmph."

It was nice to just sit and read with him; Severus is much more amiable when he's not speaking.

- - -

The next morning we saw off the SSSers, which was something of a relief, because it meant that I didn't have to worry about my dad trying to have sex with them anymore. Phew! But I suppose it's going to be quiet in the house... Wow.

Most of the rest of the day was spent sitting around and doing close to nothing. Dad and Severus both claimed to have work to do... I just never saw them do it. I, meanwhile, was exercising my lazy muscle. A moderate amount of excitement was brought to us at around two o' clock in the form of a visit from Remus.

I answered the door, because I was the only one who was willing to get up. "Hi, Remus!" That was what I said. Oh, yeah.

"Hello, Nadia." He smiled, although it was a bit strained. "I actually need to talk to Nathanyel about something."

"Going to try your luck again?"

"Actually, I was going to apologize to him, since I was a bit of a fuckwit."

"Ah, I see." What to do? "Why don't you make yourself comfortable in the kitchen while I go get him?"

"Alright."

I set off toward the study (in which no one was studying) to confront Dad. "Remus is here to see you."

He sniffed loudly, burying his nose even deeper in his book. "I don't care."

"He wants to apologize for being a fuckwit."

"That's good." He paused for a moment. "But I still don't care."

"Stop acting like a brat and go in there and see him!" I snapped.

"Just go," Severus grumbled.

"Only if Severus comes with me," Dad replied.

"Fine."

"Alright, then," I sighed. "Go."

"No eavesdropping," Dad warned me as he and Severus left the study.

Eh, I wasn't interested in his little soap opera, anyway.

--- ---

Lupin was actually going to apologize to Nathanyel. I swear, sometimes I have to stop and wonder why that man is still alive. I mean, really.

"Severus, I'm nervous," Nathanyel informed me, staring warily at the kitchen entranceway.

"You're an arse," I shot back, practically dragging him into the kitchen.

"Hello," Lupin greeted amiably.

Ugh, I hate it when he's amiable like that.

"Hi," Nathanyel replied... Shyly.

Double ugh.

"Um..." Lupin stood up, wringing his hands. "How are you?"

"I'm good."

"Do you want me to go, now?" I pleaded with Nathanyel.

"No. You have to stay."

I really hate him.

"Nathanyel, I..." Lupin paused, glancing at me, then went on. "Nathanyel, I... I came over because I wanted to apologize for the way I acted. I was a bit uncomfortable with your... Er... Advances, but that was no excuse to fly off the handle, as it were."

"Thanks, Remus." Nathanyel smiled up a him, taking a step closer.

"And I've put a lot of thought into it, and I was wondering if... If you'd like to be my roommate?"

"Roommate?"

"I mean," Lupin rushed on, "I thought that since you needed a place to stay and since I needed a roommate that it would only be reasonable to ask you... To..." Lupin trailed off as Nathanyel advanced, obviously not with innocent intentions.

"I'd like that." He leaned up and kissed Lupin briefly. "We can have slumber parties."

"S-slumber... Parties?" Lupin looked like he could have died happy.

"Well, see you later!" With that, Nathanyel skipped out of the room.

"Why am I always here for these things?" I pondered aloud.

"Wait! Let's go out for drinks!" Lupin, being the pathetic dog that he is, chased after Nathanyel.

I just went to bed.

- - -

"Good lord..." Someone was knocking on the door, at this ungodly hour of the night. I may have been up, but I certainly wouldn't go running around visiting people. It was past midnight, already! "What the fuck is it?" I swung the door open to see Lupin, carrying a soundly sleeping Nathanyel.

"He's drunk," Lupin offered up as an explanation. "I'm a bit tipsy, myself, but he's fall-down, vomit-on-himself, saying-stupid-things drunk."

"It's not my problem. Why don't you just take him home with you? I'm sure you'd like to take advantage of the situation." I made to close the door, but Lupin stepped inside at the last minute.

"I can't. Please don't make me." I looked back and forth between him and Nathanyel.

"Something happened?"

"Yes."

"Don't be a pussy," I grumbled.

"Severus! This is a serious matter!" He looked rather put off.

"Fine. Go drop him in the parlor. I trust you to let yourself out." I whirled around and headed upstairs before he could protest anymore.

"Wait!" Of course, Lupin is hopeless.

"What now?"

"...Where's the parlor?"

"Fine, I'll take him!" I headed back downstairs, took Nathanyel from him, and dragged the sleeping idiot to the parlor. "You can go now."

"...Alright. Goodnight, Severus."

"Goodnight," I grumbled as he retreated out the door like a scolded puppy.

With a relieved grunt, I dropped Nathanyel onto the parlor sofa. Unfortunately, the impact of his landing woke him up. "Eh? Oh, hello."

"You're drunk," I informed him.

"Oh," he replied. He looked away and played with a button on his shirt. "I... I'm not a very good person, am I?" he whispered, frowning slightly.

"Who said that?"

"Nobody needed to say it. I just know. You should know, too."

"You're drunk," I said again. "I always hated you when you were drunk."

"And the rest of the time, too. You should, at least." Nathanyel sighed and stared up at the ceiling. "Why doesn't Remus hate me? After everything... Why not?"

"After... Everything?" I stared at him in shock, wondering that if, perhaps, by some strange miracle, he actually remembered everything he'd erased.

"After the drugs, the lies, the murders... How can anyone not hate me?"

Oh. So he didn't remember, after all; I breathed a sigh of relief.

He rested his arm across his face, covering his eyes. "I'm a horrible person." There were bandages around his forearm.

"Nathanyel... Those bandages..."

"It hurts. I wake up at night, and it burns." He moved his arm away and scratched at his neck, which was also wrapped up. "It burns and itches... And bleeds."

"Bleeds?"

"Bleeds," he confirmed, nodding. "It's just a reminder. Reminds me how awful I am."

"You're not that awful," I tried to comfort him.

"I am," he muttered. "I am awful." He buried his face in the back of the couch, his voice becoming muffled. "I dream about Him. Like looking in a mirror, like being in a... A dark, cramped closet."

"You'll be fine," I reassured him, even though I didn't believe it myself.

"And I dream about my father." Now that was a surprise. "I... I..." He turned his head to look at me, tears welling up in his eyes. "I miss him."

"What?" That was an even bigger surprise.

"Why did I kill him?"

"You hate your father. You always have!"

"I hated him more than anything," Nathanyel whispered, his hand clenching into a fist. "I hated him so much that it hurt."

"I know."

"But I miss him." He reached out and grabbed my hand, squeezing it. "Is this what it feels like for you?"

"No," I admitted. "I never think about my parents."

"I'm sorry." He was crying again. "You could have known them."

"You don't have anything to be sorry about."

"It's all my fault. I could have known him, too. And you could have known them."

"I wouldn't have liked them, anyway," I dismissed.

"You don't understand. It's all my fault. He used to kill people for money."

"Your father," I clarified, wondering where he was going with this.

"Yes. So when you said you were moving... I paid him. And you stayed. I just wanted you to stay. I'm sorry."

"Nathanyel..." I had no idea what to say. "You talk too much when you're drunk. Just go to sleep."

"Okay." He dropped my hand and wiped his face with his sleeve, sniffling.

I left the room without another word, wondering if what he'd said was true. But then again, Nathanyel never lied when he was drunk. And if that was so, then... He'd hired his own father to kill my parents. That was... What? Twenty years ago? More, I think.

It was a dilemma that I was not willing to dwell on at such a late hour. Besides, it's better to sleep on these kinds of things, anyway.

--- ---

I woke up in a considerably good mood; sure, my dad was the worst skank on the face of the Earth, but at least I had my butt buddy, Severus. And the weather was nice and I wasn't bloated or anything, and I was even having a good hair day!

It was a great day, indeed- a warm, sunny day; the kind of day when you just want to laze about. Severus had gone into London for some potions ingredients and Dad was currently baking some sort of cake, so I was in the sitting room, working on my latest story. I was just getting to a really juicy part when there was a knock at the door. So, I answered it. Standing on the porch was a very lanky... French maid. Her brown hair was pulled back into a bun and her hazel eyes glittered strangely behind a pair of oval spectacles. "'Ello," she greeted in a heavy accent. "I am Giselle Delflote, and I understand zat vous are in need of... 'Ow you say... Domestic services?" For a long while, I could only stare.

"Excuse me?"

"Zis eez ze Snape residence, eez eet not?"

"Er... Yes."

"Not to be rude, young mademoiselle, but eez zere a Nathanyel Page present?"

Oh, for the love of God. Well, there goes my mood.