A Sojourn with Severus Snape

Chapter 5: Pranking, Skanking, and Perhaps Some Wanking

- - -

The excitement is in the chase; that's why married couples are so boring.

- - -

I woke up rather late, and immediately shuffled downstairs for breakfast; it was just one of those days when you wake up hungry. On the way down the stairs, I encountered an extremely sparkly and livid Severus. Seriously, though, he was trailing a cloud of silver sparkles. "...What happened to you?" I muttered, suppressing a yawn.

"Your psychotic father doused me in glitter and I can't get it off!" I stared at him a bit before bursting out into laughter.

"That is absolutely priceless! I'll go get Colin, so he can take a picture!" I ran off in search of Colin, giggling like a little school girl.

"Get back here!" Severus came after me, of course.

"Never! This must be recorded!" I nearly fell over when I was suddenly bombarded with a flash of light.

"Hah! I got you!" Dad was standing in front of us with a camera. "I knew I could cut you off with that secret passage behind the west wing tapestry!"

"Give me that!" Severus growled, reaching for it.

"Oh, no you don't!" Dad ran off, giggling madly, with Severus in hot pursuit.

I decided not to follow, since I'd probably be in some way traumatized, seeing as Dad was involved. Instead, I headed to the kitchen for a nice, hearty breakfast. Ginny and Colin were sitting at the table, wolfing down cereal. "What's for breakfast?"

"Cap'n Crunch," Ginny replied, pushing the box toward me.

"Where did this come from?"

"Your dad brought it home," Colin informed me. "Said we needed something sugary."

"Aha. Right." I grabbed a bowl and filled it up. "Where was he coming from?"

"Work," Ginny answered, sipping her milk. "He spent the night over at the Ministry."

"Not again," I grumbled. "If he doesn't get a good night's sleep, then he'll just take a pepper up potion and keep on going. He'll probably be up for days, now."

"I just dropped in to say that I'm going to work!" Dad ran into the room, kissed me on the cheek, then sprinted back out. All the while, he was still holding the camera.

"Where is he!?" Severus skidded to a halt, glaring around the room.

"He went to work." I frowned at him. "And now you will explain to me why I am eating cereal instead of eggs and bacon." He glared back.

"Because you're lazy," he snapped.

"Or maybe because you can't cook!"

"I am not your maid! Do you expect me to do everything for you?"

"Yes." He seemed rather put off. "And the laundry is piling up, by the way. When are you getting to that?"

"Listen here, you filthy-"

"Not in front of the guests, now, Professor Peepee Face."

"Argh!" Severus stormed off, apparently too frustrated to continue our conversation.

"I don't think he likes you very much," Ginny observed calmly.

"I have no idea why," I replied, slurping the milk from my bowl.

"So, what are we doing today?" Colin asked. "Besides dressing me up, that is."

"I don't know. Do you have an idea, young Ginevra?"

"Nope." Ginny frowned, furrowing her brow. "We'd have to wait for Luna to get up first, anyway."

"She's still asleep?"

"Yup. Well, we could always go out and about, breathe the fresh air, soak up the sun, etcetera." There was a long pause whilst we all contemplated this idea.

"Naahhhh."

"We could booby-trap the house all day," Colin suggested.

"Now that is a good idea," I commended him.

"Booby-traps?" Luna yawned as she joined us.

"You bet!"

"Alright," Ginny said, her voice taking on a rather dominatrix-like tone, "let's get down to business-"

"To defeat the Huns!" I interrupted.

"...You watch too much of that muggle television. Anyway, let's start planning. First off, Nadia, where does Snape spend most of his time?"

"Hmm..." I took a moment to think over his routine. "Well, he spends a lot of time in the study... That's probably where he'll head when he gets back. And he checks the ice box like clockwork, even if he knows there's nothing in it. He'll head for the basement, too, but we should stay away from there because I don't want him falling down a flight of stairs and breaking anything... Then he'd be no good in bed. And, of course, speaking of that... We should booby trap the bedroom. Alright, team, let's move out!"

"But what kind of booby traps are we making?" Colin asked, before I could stomp out of the room like a soldier.

"Tarring and feathering?" Luna suggested.

"Except that the hot tar would melt his skin off," Ginny replied.

"I don't mind," Colin stated casually.

"Well I do," I protested. "We'll use honey instead. Uncle Kristo gave me a huge jar before I moved here, and I've barely eaten any of it."

"What are you talking about?" Severus walked into the room, glaring at us as we all froze and remained completely silent.

"Maybe he won't see us," I whispered.

"Right." Severus rolled his eyes like the little fag that he is. "I'm going out. I've run out of a few rare ingredients and I need to place some special orders, so I'll be gone for a while. Don't ruin my house." With that, he whirled around and prowled away. We waited until we heard the front door close behind him before relaxing.

"This is going to be good." Ginny grinned happily.

--- ---

By the time Severus got home, we had set up our ingenious booby traps, or, as in the immortal words of Data, "booty traps." He seemed tired and grumpy, which would make the results all the more rewarding. I was quite excited to see how everything had turned out, actually. Besides, he's mean to me, so he deserves it. Hmph!

"What are you smiling about?" he grumbled as he slunk into the kitchen, where the four of us were sitting.

"Nothing," I replied airily.

"...Right." He placed the bags he'd carried in with him on the counter top, then straightened his back with an audible cracking noise. "Well, everything seems to be in order... Thank the Lord."

"It's not as if we were planting bombs the whole time you were gone," I replied indignantly.

"I wouldn't put it past you," he growled, shuffling back out of the room and heading upstairs. We all watched him tentatively, waiting for some screaming to begin.

"You think he'll use the bathroom in his bedroom?" Ginny asked quietly; it was one of the places we'd booby trapped.

"Of course," I replied in a whisper. "It's the only one he ever uses."

"That Reflection Charm on the toilet was a great idea," Colin murmured, grinning.

"Shh," Luna chided, pointing towards the ceiling.

We all fell silent, our eyes turning to the staircase as we waited with baited breath. Several minutes passed by without incident. Then...

"ARRRRRGH!"

We all suppressed laughter as the screams drifted down from the upstairs bathroom.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY TOILET!?"

I burst out into hysterical laughter, just picturing the look on his face.

"THIS ISN'T FUNNY! I AM COVERED IN MY OWN URINE!"

"You should be more careful next time!" I shouted back as he began to swear at me.

We all dissolved into helpless laughter, just imagining what Severus looked like, fuming and covered in his own urine.

"What's so funny?" Dad walked in, dropping his briefcase on the floor as he approached the bags Severus had brought home and investigated.

"R-Reflection Charm on the toilet," I gasped.

"Aha," he replied, pulling out some cheese and sniffing at it.

"What are you doing home, anyway?"

"Thought I'd take an extended lunch break." He reached for the ice box handle, but with a lot of shouting we all managed to stop him.

"We booby trapped it!" Ginny informed him.

"With honey," I added.

"And feathers outside the study."

"I'm going to lure him there."

"I see," Dad replied, grinning madly. "If there's anything I can do to help..."

"Why thank you, kind sir."

A few moments later, Severus came stomping down the stairs, absolutely red in the face. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

I pointed at Dad.

"What the hell is wrong with you, then?" he growled, turning to Dad.

"The groceries will go bad if you don't put them in the ice box," he replied.

With a long-suffering sigh, Severus swept over to the ice box and yanked it open. He was immediately splattered with the rest of Uncle Kristo's delicious honey. "ARGH!"

"Run for it!" Dad exclaimed. I was already on my feet and heading out the door.

Severus was hot on my trail. Just as we'd planned, I headed straight for the study, jumping over the trip wire we'd set up as I raced inside. I turned around just in time to see him run straight into the wire and get covered in fluffy white feathers. "Bwahahaha!" I pointed and laughed so hard that tears came to my eyes.

"This is not funny!"

"Wow, Severus," Dad stated in wonder as he walked in, "I knew that you weren't really the brave type... But I never knew that you were a chicken!"

"You- You-" Severus began to turn a rather fetching shade of maroon. I'd forgotten how much I like him when he's careened beyond the boundaries of reasonable anger.

"You're filthy," I calmly informed him, holding in my laughter. It didn't help that the others had arrived on the scene and were red in the face from doing the same. "You should get in the shower."

"I will get you for this." He stalked off toward the bathroom, grumbling under his breath.

"Ooooooh!" Dad exclaimed. "You's in trouble!"

"That was the most glorious moment in my life," Colin informed us as he walked in with Luna and Ginny.

"Well, that made my lunch break. I can now return to work, refreshed and reenergized."

"Bye, Dad."

This was going to be a good day.

---------------

I was trying to relax after a hectic day and an even more hectic evening when Nathanyel walked into my bedroom, scowling, and dropped his briefcase on the floor. Then, he stalked over to the bookcase and began rifling around in it. I treated the intrusion as an everyday occurrence, most likely because it was, at one point. "Hello, Nathanyel." He grunted. I watched him looking through the books, waiting for him to crack.

"Severus." It didn't take long.

"Yes?" He turned to face me.

"Don't you have something to ask me?" I raised my eyebrows; he pointed at the frown fixed on his face.

"Alright," I sighed. "You seem troubled, Nathanyel. Is there something wrong?"

"Yes!" He walked up to my bed and flopped down on it. "It's Remus."

"Did he molest you again?" I inquired.

"No. He apologized for kissing me."

"Ah, how sweet."

"No! It's a bad thing." I stared at him for a bit.

"What?"

"Why can't he just follow his instincts for once? It makes me so angry!" I could feel shock spreading through my body.

"Wait- don't tell me you fancy him?" Nathanyel let out a frustrated sigh.

"No! It's just that now things will be all awkward and weird. Whenever we're together he'll be thinking about that kiss and I'll be thinking about how he's thinking about that kiss and then he'll be thinking about how I'm thinking about how he's thinking-"

"Will you stop that already?"

"Sorry. Still, I'm worried. I don't want things to get awkward between us."

"Then don't let them."

"This is Remus we're talking about. There's no way to stop it."

"I suppose."

"Will you comfort me in your strong, manly embrace?" I leaned over and gave him a pat on the back. "You know that's not what I meant." He pushed himself up on his knees and lunged at me, nearly suffocating me. "Hug me back, or I'll choke you." There are times when Nathanyel is just being ridiculous, and there are times when Nathanyel will actually go through with his threats. This incident fit into the latter category.

"Loosen your grip," I gasped, reluctantly returning the hug. He did as I asked.

"Okay, pet me now."

"You're insane," I complained as I did so. Nathanyel just purred.

---------------

I sighed, sitting down at the kitchen table with Dad. As usual, I was the first one to be dressed and showered. Since when did everyone get so slow?

"Nadia," Dad intoned from behind his newspaper, straightening it slightly.

"Yes?" I replied, hoping it didn't have anything to do with my relationship with Severus; that, of course, would be a first.

"When are you going to get a job?"

"Huh?" Well, I was surprised, to say the least.

"You're a deadbeat," he went on.

"I'm looking," I grumbled, exasperated.

"I'll bet Severus pays you for sex."

"I- What?" I grabbed the newspaper and yanked it away, only to reveal Dad sticking his tongue out at me.

"I always thought you could take a bit of ribbing."

"Oh, shut it." I frowned, crossing my arms. "Why do you always have to be so difficult?"

"You're the one who's difficult." He took a sip from his cup of coffee; I wondered how many he'd had already, and how much lost sleep it was countering.

"Whatever you say," I replied airily, deciding to do a bit of job hunting in my pilfered newspaper. "Anyway, Luna and Ginny want to go cruising for hot boys today," I began conversationally. Dad always likes to know about my days, which is rather strange. "Colin doesn't want to cruise with us, though, which I can't seem to understand. He's still a virgin, after all." At that declaration, Dad's eyes widened a bit, and he stared at me.

"He is?"

"What, you think I sleep with everyone I date?" I replied defensively.

"No, no. I just... Didn't think a boy his age would be... Never mind. I've got a lot of work to do, anyway." Dad grinned at me and walked away. It was rather strange, actually.

I just shrugged it off. There are more important things in the world than what goes on in my father's head.

Like... Gay pirate sex, for instance.

---------------

"Guess what!" Once again, my reading had been interrupted by that utter buffoon. "Guess what, Sevviepoo!"

"Don't call me that. And what?" Nathanyel was suddenly right in front of me, a very large and wicked grin on his face.

"It seems that young Mr. Creevey is a virgin."

"Amazing," I replied flatly.

"You don't understand! It's my first virgin!" I cleared my throat. "Oh, well it doesn't count if I was a virgin too, you know. The whole point is to use my immense experience to completely and totally dominate him." He looked rather predatory at the moment. "I'm so excited! This is like a dream come true!"

"Whatever," I grumbled.

"Er... Mr. Page?" It was at that moment that an unsuspecting Creevey walked into the room. "Have you seen- eek!" As I looked on from over the edge of my book, Nathanyel had swooped down upon Creevey like a vulture, and with a loud thump, placed his hand firmly on the wall just next to the boy's head. He was trapped, and Nathanyel was looking insanely gleeful. In fact, I thought I could even see the hairs on the back of his neck rising. It was like watching an animal catching its prey.

"Hello, Mr. Creevey." He sounded absolutely snake-like; I was oddly proud of him.

"Er- I- Hello." Creevey seemed to shrink under Nathanyel's intense gaze.

"Word about the house is that you just happen to be a virgin." The word practically slithered out of his mouth, and he looked like he was about to eat the poor boy alive. I couldn't believe that I was actually feeling sorry for Creevey, of all people.

"I- er- that is-"

"I'll bet you're just dying for a nice, hard fuck." At that statement, Creevey's mouth fell open and he seemed to be beyond even stuttering. Nathanyel leaned in closer, practically on top of him. "You'd let me turn you around and pound you into the wall right here, wouldn't you, you dirty little-"

"Has anyone seen Colin?" The beast stomped loudly into the study, crossing her arms. Within the blink of an eye, Nathanyel was browsing the nearest bookshelf with an air of complete and total innocence. Meanwhile, Creevey remained clinging to the wall, wide-eyed and slack-jawed. "Oh, there you are! Let's go, we're cruising for booty! Bye now!" She grabbed Creevey, waved to me, then bounded away with the boy.

"You do realize that I was sitting right here the entire time!" I snapped at Nathanyel, shutting my book with a loud clap.

"Yes," he replied airily, sauntering over to the sofa and dropping down onto it. "I'm so hard right now."

"And why do I need to know that?" I growled, wanting to strangle him.

"It's a warning."

"Augh!" I covered my eyes as he shoved his hand straight down his trousers.

"I'm not wearing any knickers."

"Argh!"

"Hope you don't mind," he grunted.

"STOP WANKING ON MY SOFA!" I threw my book at him as hard as I could.

"Ouch! Now that was uncalled for!"

"What do you mean!? You're touching yourself in the middle of my study!"

"So? Nobody's here."

"I am!"

"So? You've watched me before."

"That's it." I stood up, crossed over to the sofa, and pulled him onto the floor by his collar.

"Ack!" His head hit against the hardwood floor with a loud thud and he grimaced, sitting up. "You asked for it!" He lunged at me and knocked me straight onto my arse, and-

Wiped his hand on my face.

"ARRRRRGH! You are disgusting!"

"Professor!" To my great misfortune, Weasley chose that moment to come running into the study. "Nadia says that-" She paused in the middle of her sentence, staring at us. It must have been quite a sight, with the both of us on the floor, and Nathanyel in my lap with his genitals exposed. "...Stay right there." She spun around and flew out of the room, shrieking, "Cooollliinnn!! I need your camera, now!"

Nathanyel dissolved into laughter, rolling off of me and onto his back, gripping his stomach, with his knees in the air. "I'm glad you think this is so amusing," I snarled, kicking him.

"S-s-so f-funny!" He choked out, tears streaming down his face. He was bright red, shaking with the force of his little giggles.

"You are such an arse! And you got my robes wet!" I was both outraged and disgusted. Nathanyel wasn't even making noise, anymore. He was just laying there, red as a lobster, still shaking with his mouth wide open, but nothing was coming out. "I hope you laugh yourself to death!" A flash suddenly filled my vision, and I realized that Weasley had returned to take a picture, presumably of Nathanyel's crotch.

"Okay, thanks, bye!" She ran off again before I could strangle her.

"My life is no longer worth living." Nathanyel nodded in agreement, then took a long, rasping gasp. He spent several minutes simply panting on the floor, trying desperately to regain his breath. Finally, after I'd cast a cleaning spell on my robes and returned to my reading chair, his breathing returned to normal.

"That was priceless," he informed me, pulling his trousers up and closing them.

"I hardly found the image of you laying exposed on my floor amusing."

"I wasn't really going to wank off, you know."

"So then what were you doing, playing chess?"

"Oh, lighten up." He crawled up to me and placed his chin in my lap. "What are you reading?"

"Don't just act like nothing happened. If you pull a stunt like that again, I swear I'll kick you right to the curb."

"Aw, don't be such a stiff. I pull stunts all the time, and you should know it better than anyone."

"I don't appreciate you turning my house into your own personal playground."

"You don't appreciate anything in life. You're just a miserable old miser."

"Hn." I scowled down at him. "Grow up."

"I am up." He wriggled his eyebrows at me.

"Don't be a pervert!" I hit him with my book, hoping he'd retreat. Unfortunately, he did not.

"You're just as much a pervert as I am, so don't be a hypocrite."

"But this is my house, so I am allowed to be a pervert." Nathanyel rolled his eyes.

"You've been a pervert in this house just as much as I have, too, so don't go and pull that shit on me."

"That doesn't mean you can run around doing whatever you want!"

"Says who?" He stuck his tongue out at me, wrinkling his nose. "You're the one who made the bet with me."

"How many times do I have to tell you? It was your idea!"

"But you agreed to it."

"That doesn't give you license to wank on my sofa!"

"Yes it does. It was in the fine print of our verbal contract."

"Verbal contracts don't have fine print!"

"That's what you think." His grin was so infuriating that I just had to kick him.

"Get off me! If you're so desperate, then go find Lupin!"

"R-R-Remus?" He was giving me huge, watery puppy eyes; they made me want to smack him. "Remus hates meeeeee! Waaaaahhh!"

"If you don't shut up, I'm going to kick you out and burn your fwooper."

"She hates me, too! She ran away from home!" He let out a loud sniff. "You're a meanie head and you don't appreciate me!"

"Shut. Your. Mouth."

"If I do, will you listen to me?"

"You're an idiot." I tried to fathom how he could switch from a child molester to a little crybaby so quickly, but decided against it. "Fine. But only if you calm down." Nodding, he jumped up and ran over to the sofa and dropped down onto it.

"I am the picture of calm."

"I'm not talking to you until you're in a different mood."

"Alright, alright!" He frowned, furrowing his brow in a very exaggerated impression of sincerity. "I'm serious. I can talk seriously. You start."

"How?" I was ready to kill him.

"Ask me if everything is alright."

"Fine. Is-"

"Not like that! You have to say my name first, like a question. Then you have to sound very hesitant and sensitive about it."

"Nathanyel?" I pinched the bridge of my nose, praying that his behavior would not bring on a migraine, as usual. "Is everything..." It pained me to ask him. "...Alright?"

"No. Everything is shitty."

"Well, that's nice to know."

"I think Remus is avoiding me."

"Oh?"

"And Draco isn't talking to me."

"I see."

"And Harry exploded."

"How lovely."

"You're not listening to me."

"Can't say I am." He shot me a petulant look.

"You promised you would listen! I always listen to you."

"Doubtful." I managed a smirk at the expression on his face.

"It isn't funny."

"You are such a hilariously spoiled brat."

"I am not." He kicked off his shoes before laying down on his stomach, draped across the sofa like some sort of... Drapery. Augh, did he have to molest the damn thing all day?

"You most certainly are."

"In what way?"

"Well, this conversation is an example. You are forcing me to give you advice, after you just defiled my furniture." He rolled his eyes at me. "Furthermore, you have as much sex as you like, with whomever you please. It's really rather sickening." I marked my place in my book. "And whorish."

"I'm not a whore."

"Oh, that's right- whores get paid."

"Meanwhile, sluts do it merely for its own rewards."

"Exactly. Like you." He nodded decisively.

"Like me."

"You know, maybe people are avoiding you for a reason." He knitted his eyebrows together, obviously thinking.

"What kind of reason?"

"Your feet smell."

"Your face smells."

"Please, at least try not to be idiotic."

"Fine. But why would Remus be avoiding me?"

"Perhaps you have cat hair on you."

"You aren't witty."

"I know. However, what I do not know, is the answer to every problem you have." He pouted at me, curling up and stretching out again.

"Hmph. Draco isn't talking to me because I made a comment about his mother."

"What a little girl."

"I know! But he refuses to so much as put out until I apologize, and I don't really think I should. Do you?"

"No. Of course, that might only be because I don't want to have to live with the knowledge that you are fucking your cousin's son."

"Deal with it." We sat for a while, not speaking to each other. Nathanyel was humming something that I didn't care to identify, and I attempted to read my book. "...Do you really think Remus wants to fuck me?" So much for that idea.

"Why? Do you want him to fuck you?"

"No." I was once again forced to lay down my book and cater to his whims. "Maybe." Oh, Merlin. "I don't know."

"You don't know?" He shook his head. "You really are a slut."

"You're only saying that because you don't like Remus."

"Or maybe because it's true."

"Hmph."

"How can you not know if you want him to fuck you?"

"Well- I like him." I suppressed the urge to vomit. "Except... I don't really want to be fucked by anyone. I mean, you- I- well, you know. I've always been the sentimental type." Damn his ability to quell my sarcasm. "Anyway, I'm not ready. And- if it was Remus- I don't think I'd like to have sex. Not right away. I don't think I would unless I- er- fancied him." He looked away and blushed, while I took the opportunity to empty the contents of my last meal onto the floor.

"Do you fancy him?" That should shut the little bugger up.

"No." He made a face, rolled onto his back, then made another face.

"Stop making faces. It's a bad habit."

"My face will stick that way, right?"

"No. But I don't want to have to watch it." He made another face, then fell silent. I waited for him to make another stupid comment, and I was not disappointed.

"I could."

"You could what?"

"I could fancy Remus."

"How?"

"I don't know how!" I was suddenly hit with the urge to throw something heavy at him. However, the only suitable object at hand was my book, and I was not willing to sacrifice it. "What's it like to fancy someone, anyway?" Whatever controls the fate of mankind must hate me.

"How am I supposed to explain that? And you're a grown man! You should know!"

"But I don't, obviously."

"Idiot." He stuck his tongue out at me. "I do not believe you."

"Sorry about that. Anyway, I asked you a question. So answer it!"

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"You should know about this already!"

"I don't! I've never fancied anyone!"

"What about-"

"That was different."

I took a moment to collect myself, and try to restrain myself from strangling him. "Well, decide for yourself."

He frowned a bit, wiggling his toes. "I think about him a lot." It was like conversing with a thirteen-year-old. I was half-expecting him to say, "And he's really, really cool!"

"Right."

"I think he's good-looking."

"Fine."

"And he's very nice."

"Alright, so leave me alone. You've stated your case, now go do as you wish. Oh, and don't tell me about it."

"So you're saying that, regardless of my inhibitions, I should shag Remus?"

"Jesus fucking Christ!"

"Don't take-"

"Do not even start with me! Do you always automatically equate a relationship with sex?"

"Er... Yes?"

"You are so fucked up that there needs to be a new word to describe it."

"Um... Fuckeelee?"

"Shut up."

"Sorry."

"Do you really think that sex is necessary for a relationship?"

"Maybe?"

I resisted the urge to simply kick him out of my house. It seemed to be a rather common sentiment that day. "Nathanyel... I'm going to give you some advice now that I suggest you take. Get help."

"You're helping me."

"Real help."

"Oh."

"And go to bed. You look exhausted."

"But it's the middle of the day."

"I don't care. Nap."

"Alright."

"And please, for all our sakes, attempt to have one normal relationship before you die."

"Can do."

"Now go."

"Okay." He got up, brushed himself off, and left.

I finally was able to return to my book.

---------------

"Nadia?"

I broke my gaze away from Ginny's advances on a man who was actually taking a stroll with his five-year-old son to look at Colin. "What is it?"

"About your dad..."

I sighed, rolling my eyes. Dad has never gotten along well with boys that I spend any sort of time with, unless they were obviously gay (like Draco, for instance) and Colin was no exception. "What has he done, now?"

Colin blushed a little, but tried to hide it. "N-nothing," he stammered, looking rather suspicious. "It's just... He doesn't like me very much, does he?"

"Nope," I replied, returning my attention to Ginny. It seemed as though the young father had fled, already. What a shame.

"But... I mean... Um, well. He's sort of..."

"Frightening?" I supplied as Luna approached a young lad who was obviously underage. I swear, she is such a cradle robber.

"Well, yeah," he agreed. "Erm... Why did your parents split up, anyway?"

"Apparently, their marriage was a loveless charade put on solely for the purpose of keeping me untraumatized," I grumbled, a bit put out that he'd even brought the subject up. "A great lot that did."

"Aha. So your dad didn't love your mum..."

"Your point?" I growled.

"Um- erm- nothing." Colin was definitely acting suspicious.

"Hey, Nadia, Colin!" Ginny called to us. "Luna's robbing the cradle!"

I'll never completely understand my friends.

---------------

I was just settling down for a nice, quiet, Page-free lunch when Nathanyel came bounding into the kitchen, grinning widely. Wonderful.

"Where were you?" I inquired, watching Nathanyel unpack a bag of groceries.

"Just picking up a few things from the store," he replied. I approached the table and picked up a box, reading the label. I was then immediately struck by the urge to hit him with it.

"'Astroglide?'"

"Yep," he answered. "I'm preparing for tonight."

"You sicken me."

"You know you have the mad love for the Astroglide."

"I most certainly do not."

"You put it on your toast."

"Would you shut it, already?" I decided that it was time I actually did hit him. "You're going to get yourself into a big, steaming, pile of shit, and I'm not going to help you out of it."

"Well, you're the one who wanted to bet," he admonished.

"You brought it up!"

"Tsk, tsk! You morally bankrupt pedophile." With that, he grabbed the Astroglide lubricant, a pair of handcuffs, and a box of condoms, and bounded up the stairs. He whistled cheerfully the whole way up.

I really hate living with him.

---------------

When we got home (which was late, since Luna had spent so much time with her little boy toy) Dad and Severus were sitting in the kitchen, playing a card game. I found this extremely strange because, firstly, Severus doesn't much care for cards. Secondly, they were actually... Getting along.

"How was your day, dearest?" Dad asked, grinning.

"It was alright," I replied, peeking in on Severus' hand. "How do you expect to win anything with two jacks and a three?"

Severus gritted his teeth, but said nothing.

"You know, Luna, if you're not careful you'll be arrested," Ginny commented blithely, making herself at home with the ice box. "That's pederasty, I think."

"It's rather fun, isn't it?" Dad cut in, grinning over at Luna and Colin.

"Er- Right," Colin muttered, blushing and backing out of the room. "I'll just... Toilet." He sped off like a frightened rabbit.

"Dad, don't be so mean to Colin," I scolded, taking another peek at Severus' cards. "Wow, that ace will sure come in handy!"

Severus growled, just a bit.

"I think younger men are easier," Luna sighed, joining Ginny at the ice box.

"Tell me about it," Dad replied, slapping his cards down. "Rummy! Full straight, how about that?"

"I wouldn't have lost so easily if someone had kept her mouth shut," Severus grumbled, tossing his cards on the table top.

"Sore loser, cheater, and pumpkin eater, I see," Dad taunted jovially. "He cheats all the time," he added to me in an undertone.

"I most certainly do not!" Severus protested angrily.

"Especially at gobstones."

"Never in my life!"

"Fred and George cheat at cards all the time," Ginny joined in, pulling up a chair next to Dad. "But what they don't know is that I'm much better at cheating than they are." She grinned and winked at Dad; he winked back.

ARGH, STOP FLIRTING WITH MY FATHER.

"Well, that's nice," I grated, inserting myself between the two. "Say, Dad, don't you have some sort of pressing research to attend to?"

"Hmm..." He looked pensive for a moment. "Nope."

"Not even research on double footed sealicanths?" Luna inquired, picking up the stack of cards from the table and shuffling it.

"Nope," Dad repeated, grinning.

"Not even on how, with your level of intelligence, you even manage to turn a doorknob?" Severus asked.

"Nothing at all," Dad replied, still smiling.

"Not even on how sexy you are?" That was Ginny of course.

"No, but thank you very much!" Dad was oblivious, of course. "You know, you girls are so close. It's touching, really."

Ginny opened her mouth, undoubtedly to make a remark on the subject of touching, but I cut her off.

"Yes, we certainly are," I said a bit stiffly. "Just like sisters!"

"Why, I wouldn't be surprised if you, say... Had an all-girls slumber party tonight in one of the deserted wings and didn't even dare come near us nasty old men!" Alright, now Dad was up to something.

"Hey, that's not a bad idea," Ginny proclaimed happily. "What do you say, eh?"

"Sounds like a barrel of monkeys," Luna replied.

"I suppose it would be fun," I stated, trying to discern any sign of ulterior motives in Dad's expression.

"And don't you worry about poor, lonely, Colin," he reassured us. "I'm sure I'll find a way to keep our guest entertained!" Aha, so that was it. Dad wanted to get Colin alone to intimidate him some more.

...

...

...Oh well. Not my problem.

"You are disgusting," Severus grumbled, standing up from the table and sweeping out of the room. I don't know whether he was referring to Dad's plan to mentally pulverize Colin or to Luna's odd combination of ketchup and chocolate ice cream.

"Well, that's enough chatting," I announced, standing up as well. "It's time to prepare for the slumber party!"

"Whoopee!" Dad exclaimed.

I glared at him.

"Oh, right." With that, he left the room.

For a moment, I felt sort of bad for Colin. But then I realized... Eh, he'll survive.

---------------

I was actually glad that in Nathanyel's pursuit of the Creevey boy he had managed to drive those tittering nitwits to the other side of the manor. It was the first night since those awful, disgusting little dolts had entered my home that I was able to have some peace and quiet. I was just returning from a late night visit to the kitchen when I was reminded of the downside to the situation.

I grimaced at the scene I had unwittingly walked in on; Nathanyel was apparently attempting to bed Creevey. He already had the boy backed up against the wall; if nothing else, Nathanyel was insistent. "S-sir?" Creevey stuttered, causing me to feel sick. "I thought you didn't like me..."

"My dear boy, I only behaved in such a way because I want you for myself..." Oh, dear Merlin, could he lay it on any thicker?

"Give me a break!" I growled. "Just get it over with!" Creevey jumped a bit, going pale, while Nathanyel merely grinned at me.

"Severus, have you no respect for the art of seduction?"

"Have you no respect for boundaries?" I retorted.

"No." With a sigh he gave Creevey a pat on the shoulder. "Let's continue this conversation in my room."

"But-"

"Hush, my dear," he interrupted the boy dramatically. "I promise you only the gentlest of touches."

"Get a damn room," I muttered, trying to forget everything I'd seen and heard as I passed them by.

"I intend to!" Nathanyel called after me. I covered my ears.

"La la la I can't hear you!"

"Good, then we can fuck as loudly as we want to!"

"Whoever said we were going to fuck?" Creevey shrilled as I endeavored to place myself well out of hearing range.

"Trust me," Nathanyel was saying, "you'll enjoy it."

I tried not to vomit as I locked myself in my room. Oh, the horrible mental images... Thank Merlin for silencing charms, is all I can say.

Of course, after a night of rather disturbed sleep, one would think that Nathanyel would leave the subject well enough alone. One would think wrong.

When I got up he was sitting in the kitchen with his usual morning coffee and a copy of The Daily Prophet, grinning his empty little head off.

"Ah, what a refreshing night!" he proclaimed, causing me to feel nauseous.

"Don't tell me you-"

"I most certainly did!"

"You're disgusting." I grabbed the newspaper from him and buried my face in it, hoping to somehow drown out his words with the ones printed on the pages.

"Aww, come on." Nathanyel pouted, hanging over me like some sort of sex-crazed buffoon- oh, wait, he is a sex-crazed buffoon. "It was so much fun. I should deflower young virgins more often."

"I do not want to hear this," I growled, burying my nose even deeper in the newspaper.

"Too bad," he hummed. "He was so sweet and submissive." Nathanyel let out a long sigh. "And frightened; he had no idea what he was doing. And he called me 'Sir.' Can you imagine?" He giggled a bit. "Sir! Ah, it was so sexy."

"Do not touch me."

"Don't flatter yourself, whoreface."

"Hey!" I glared at him. "I don't think you're the one who should be talking."

"Just remember," Nathanyel reminded me as he walked out of the room, "this was all your doing."

"You would have slept with him anyway!" I called after him angrily. Does he even remember what happened? He was the one who turned this whole thing into a contest! He just wants a reward for doing something he would have done, either way, the arse!

I shouldn't let him get to me.

"Food." The beast had apparently woken up and was shuffling toward me.

"Don't touch me," I ordered, wrinkling my nose at her haggard appearance.

"Breakfast," she replied, giving me a pointed stare.

"No," I ground out, blocking my view of her with the newspaper.

"I'm hungry," she grumbled, her disgustingly raspy voice followed by the scrape of a chair and a dull thud. "Cook for me."

"I already told you, no."

"I'm in the mood for french toast."

"Then make it yourself."

"With powdered sugar."

"What does this look like to you? A bakery?"

"And cinnamon."

"Will you shut up, already?" I growled, slamming the paper down on the table.

"I want french toast right now," she replied, crossing her arms.

"I am not your personal chef."

"If you make me french toast, I'll lick your bum."

I stared at her.

"Really."

"You are the most horrific creature on the face of the planet. God must have been on vacation when you were conceived."

"Thank you."

"I'm still not making you breakfast."

"Fine."

"I think I'll go check on my bulbs, then." I frowned when she began to laugh at me. "What?"

"You're such a woman," she replied. "Your bulbs?"

"Shut up," I grumbled, heading for the front door. "I enjoy gardening."

"I'll come out with you, then." She followed me, to my great dismay.

"Just don't touch me," I ordered as I swung the front door open and crossed the porch.

"Why did you plant them so late, anyway?"

"I work," I grumbled, inspecting the tulips. "It looks like they're blooming."

"Huh, imagine that," she replied. "Oh my God! Look!" She slapped my arse rather forcefully.

"I told you not to touch me," I growled.

"It's Handlebars!"

I looked up to see that creepy man and his ridiculous penny farthing.

"Good morrow, gentle neighbors!" he called out, waving.

"Yo, Handlebars!" the beast bellowed at him. "How's life?"

"Well, Madame, I most certainly cannot voice complaint. I am following the path to the market, on this very fine day. Now, if you'll kindly give me pardon, I must go thither."

I watched him ride away, shivering slightly. Even after the Dark Lord's defeat, there is still a great deal of evil in the world.

"Let's go inside. It's too humid out today!" The monster grabbed me by the sleeve and hauled me inside, frothing at the mouth.

...Alright, so maybe I exaggerated the frothing part a bit. Just a bit.

"What were you doing outside?" Nathanyel was back to taunt me.

"What are you doing back here?"

"Didn't I tell you? I've got the day off. I just had to... Check on a few things." He was practically leering, which meant that he was probably talking about Creevey. "So, what were you doing outside?" he repeated.

"I was checking on my garden," I grumbled.

"I said hello to H.B.," the harpy added.

"Really?" Nathanyel returned his face to a suitably neutral expression. "How is he?"

"He's certainly not voicing complaint."

"Well, now, that's nice to hear."

"You two are going to drive me insane," I grumbled.

"You love us," Nathanyel stated, rather matter-of-factly. "Anyway, have a seat and I'll make up some coffee. I feel so refreshed that I could even bake a cake!"

"And make french toast?" his horrible daughter suggested.

"Hm... No."

"Dammit."

"Watch your language, you hussy!"

I tried to keep my head from throbbing too much.

---------------

I was actually up rather early, especially for a slumber party morning. Dad had made coffee, and we were currently drinking it at the kitchen table while Severus groused about how awful it was to live with us and searched the cabinets for powdered sugar; he was going to make french toast. It was a normal morning, really. However, since I knew that Dad was currently cooking up a scheme (judging by his behavior as of late) I decided to address the matter.

"Listen, Dad... I know you might be tempted to act like a loon around my friends, but... Please, just don't embarrass me." That seemed like a suitable plea.

"Embarrass you?" A wicked grin spread across his face, and I saw Severus smirk behind him. "Oh, no, never." I could practically hear the evil laughter.

"I'm warning you-"

"Ah, good morning everyone!" Ginny walked into the kitchen, yawning, followed by Luna. "It's a glorious day, isn't it?"

"It most certainly is!" Dad chirped in response. "So glorious, in fact, that it makes me want to... DANCE!!" He jumped out of his seat, did a pirouette, then lifted his arms above his head and leapt halfway across the room. "Hup!" Then he started doing some crazy wiggly thing with his arms and just generally danced about. "Come, my daughter! Dance with me!" He extended his hand towards me.

"No!" I slapped it away.

"Oh, the shame!" He threw his arm up to cover his eyes, pretending to be offended. "I must dance away my shame!" And then he resumed his dancing, while we just... Stared in horror.

"Er... What's going on?" Colin had just entered the scene.

"We two must dance!" Dad grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him along in his dizzying display. "A dance of love!" He spun Colin. "Of unbridled passion!" He pulled Colin close and started to tango with him. "We are as one on the dance floor!"

"Embarrassing, isn't it?" Severus muttered, still smirking; he'd somehow been able to shield himself from the display- with me.

"Shut up!" I growled.

"I'm getting dizzy!" Colin complained.

"Come, my queen! Express yourself through dance!" Dad picked him up over his head and started spinning him around, while Ginny and Luna clapped; I groaned and tried to block out the scene I was witnessing. "Feel the passion in your feet!"

"Um, okay..." Dad flung him out and he slid across the room, looking rather green.

"Come to me, and I will catch you!"

"Er... Alright."

"Show me your burning desire!"

"Alright!" So I also had to watch Colin run at full speed, jump into the air, and be caught by my dad. And then fireworks began to go off and they both started crying like a couple of girls.

"Love wins in the end!"

"We'll be together forever!"

"...Where are the fireworks coming from?" Ginny whispered. Severus just smirked.

"Carry me over the threshold!"

"Our honeymoon shall inspire birds to sing!" Then Dad ran out of the room, Colin still in his arms.

"That was so romantic!" Ginny sighed.

"Shut up!" I growled. Severus sniggered. "And you, too! Why don't you put that pyrotechnic skill to work and cook some breakfast!?"

"Merlin, you don't have to be such a bitch about it," he muttered, slinking over to the stove.

"Let's all sit and have a nice, peaceful breakfast," I insisted, as noises that sounded distinctly sexual started to drift in from the next room.

"They sound like they're having fun," Luna commented conversationally.

"I can't believe they're going this far! I'm embarrassed enough, already!"

"Are you sure they're just pretending?" Ginny asked, eyeing the door. "Because I could go check..."

"Yes! Make those birds sing!" Colin shouted from the next room.

"You know, I think I should-"

"Sit down." I pushed her down into a chair. "There's nothing to see."

"I think I'm going to vomit," Severus muttered. Meanwhile, something that sounded like... Birds singing... Became audible.

"I'm going to kill the both of them," I grumbled. Really, how long were they going to just make those embarrassing noises?

"Relax," Ginny urged me. "It's all in good fun."

"It isn't fun for me."

"Well... It is for us. Right, Luna?"

"Yes," Luna agreed as Severus served the french toast. "Tons of fun."

"Right," I sighed, turning to Severus. "How long is he going to torture me?"

"You deserve it," he replied, sitting down and picking up the newspaper.

"Why are you always reading that thing?"

"To escape the distorted reality of my life."

"We're dooone!" Dad announced, bursting into the kitchen. "I want food!"

Colin came shuffling in after him, gingerly sitting down next to Ginny.

"Had a rough time?" she asked, nudging him and winking.

I glared at her.

"I was just kidding."

"Alright. Whatever."

"Although it was-"

"Ginny, shut up before I punch you in the ovary."

"What do you lot say to a day out on the town?" Dad loudly suggested, apparently trying to change the subject.

"I'm going to vomit," Severus muttered.

"After all, you've probably never been to the lesser known areas of the town; in fact, as students, I'll bet you weren't even allowed to go to them! Why, I know this fantastic place that runs all night-"

"Dad," I interrupted, "you aren't talking about anything... Illegal... Are you?"

"Of course not! Unless any of you haven't turned eighteen yet."

"It's not a problem," Luna informed him.

"Great! I always say, you haven't earned passage into adulthood until you've gotten completely and totally pissed!"

I gave up on him right away; perhaps letting him indulge in his little delusions about still being "hip" and such would help him realize how ridiculous he was being.

So, an hour later found us waiting on Dad at the bottom of the main staircase, while Severus sat in the adjoining parlor, still carefully studying the newspaper. Really, was he ever going to put that thing down?

"Alright, I'm ready!" Dad bounded down the stairs, wearing a long-sleeved shirt with sparkles on it, jeans, and... His new skirt. I suppressed a groan at the sight of him.

"Awwww!" Ginny exclaimed, making goo-goo eyes. "Mr. Page, you look so cute!" Dad grinned at her.

"He's wearing a skirt," I growled.

"But I'm wearing it over jeans," he pointed out. "And I am rather cute."

"You know you'd think it was cute on anyone else," Ginny informed me, rising to his defense.

"But he isn't anyone else; he's my Dad." I glared at her.

"Admit it," Luna prompted, taking Ginny's side.

"No! Come on, Colin, back me up!"

"No comment," Colin muttered, averting his gaze.

"Hah!" Dad exclaimed. "I am once again triumphant!"

"Whatever," I grumbled, crossing my arms. "Anyway, you lot can go on without me. I'm sure Dad can find loads of interesting things for you to do."

"Why?" Ginny asked, raising her eyebrows.

"I just thought I could use some quality time with Sevviepoo." We hadn't had sex in, like, forever. And I wanted to talk with him, too.

At that, Severus looked up from his newspaper, frowning at me.

"I'd like to talk," I added.

"Suit yourself," Dad replied.

"Go on, have fun." I waved them off, watching as Dad began to tell them about my first period. Goddammit.

"You wanted to talk?" Severus asked, scowling at me.

"No, I actually wanted to paint my face red and worship the sun god." I glared at him.

"Alright, then. Have fun."

"It was sarcasm!"

"I am aware of what sarcasm is," he replied irritably, "and you are very bad at it." Honestly, I doubt the man has ever carried a civil conversation in his life.

"Well, then, let's talk."

"You think I'm going to plan my entire day around your silly whims?" he growled, setting the newspaper down and pinning me with a glare.

"Well... Yeah." I thought it would be fun to rile him up a bit.

"Well, you're wrong." He stood up, brushing off his robes. "I've got chores to carry out, and I'd rather get to the market before it becomes crowded."

"I'll go with you, then," I offered hopefully.

"I think not." He left the house before I even had a chance to protest. That complete jackass! I should kill him!

"Fine!" I shouted after him. "Then I guess you'll have plenty of time to reacquaint yourself with your right hand!" My remark produced no visible result.

Still fuming, I resolved to try to catch up with the group, hoping that Dad hadn't caused too much damage. They'd understand how much of a pissy little bitch Severus can be, after all.

Luckily for me, I was able to catch up with them easily enough. Ginny was hitting on Dad, while he obliviously told the story about how I nearly mowed down a bishop with Uncle Kristo's car.

"Wait for me!" I exclaimed, running up to them. "Severus was being a whiny bitch, so... Here I am."

"Terrific!" Dad exclaimed. "Now we can... Do... The thing..." He trailed off, his eyes fixing on the entrance to a nearby bookstore.

"What are you on about?" I replied, following his gaze; I could see Remus through the window. "Hey, look who it is!" I pointed him out.

"Oh, it's Professor Lupin!" Ginny happily informed us.

"I didn't know he lived around here," Colin said, though he didn't sound hostile; he was giving Dad a strange look, though.

"We should say hello," Luna prompted us. "He's always been interested in hypodroquads."

"I'll just leave you lot to it, then!" Dad shouted; he was already hurrying off in the opposite direction.

"That's funny," I mused aloud. "I wonder why he's trying to avoid Remus? They always seemed to be on good terms."

"Maybe it's sexual tension," Ginny teased.

"Har. Har. Let's just go say hello, alright?" I led them off to the bookstore, frowning a bit at Dad's strange behavior; maybe he'd gotten wind of Remus'... Feelings? In any case, I needed to refill my gay erotica stash, and this was the perfect opportunity.

"You're not going to go look at gay books, are you?" Colin asked, practically reading my mind as we entered the store.

"Remus! What a surprise!" I bellowed, ignoring Colin.

"Eh?" Remus looked up from the book he was currently browsing through, flushing a bit and hiding it when he caught sight of us. "Oh, hello."

"What are you reading? Is it porn? Can I see?" I tried to catch a glimpse of the cover, but he was too quick for me.

"It's nothing of the sort, and you wouldn't be interested, anyway."

"I'm going to go look up quaglars," Luna informed us, apparently finding the current activities too dull for her. "Colin, come."

Well... That was weird. Luna and Colin wandering off to the back of the store together? Perhaps they were... Ahem. That would be a little weird, quite frankly. Besides, I'd always thought Colin was a bit of a cock chaser.

"So, Professor..." Ginny seemed rather interested, at least. "Any new boyfriends?" She was still intrigued by the gay aspect, I suppose.

"Oh, erm... No need to be so formal, Ginny!" It was easy to see that Remus was trying to change the subject. "You can call me Remus."

"Oh, thanks, Remus." She paused, the expression of someone who has just come to a revelation on her face. "You know, I didn't realize until I said it out loud, but Remus sounds kind of like-"

"Er- yes, I'm aware," Remus quickly cut in. "Quite inappropriate, for a bookstore."

"Unless you're reading gay porn like you are," I pointed out.

"It's just a bit of light reading, really."

"A little X-rated light reading, you mean."

"Ooh!" Ginny exclaimed, immediately approaching the bookshelf. "I could use a little bit of X-rated light reading."

"Same here!" I agreed heartily.

"It isn't that kind of book," Remus protested weakly.

"Er..." Ginny pulled out a book, her eyebrows raised at the cover. "These are all for..."

"...Dating advice," I finished lamely.

"...Yes," Remus confessed, blushing.

"Boring!" I announced, turning away and searching for the erotica section.

"Wait for me!" Ginny exclaimed, putting the book back before following.

"You're not going to... Tease?" Remus asked, apparently unsure of whether or not he should even be pursuing the topic.

"From was Severus tells me, you don't really need much dating advice," I replied airily, reaching my destination. "What was it that he called you?"

"I doubt you could remember all of the names," Remus muttered.

"I remember the human mattress one; he got that from The Golden Girls."

"Human mattress?" Ginny joined in, eyeing Remus in a rather predatorial way. "I've never heard that."

"Well... It's not exactly something I would discuss," Remus clarified uncomfortably.

"Have you found a new place to live, yet?" I asked, sensing the need for a change of subject.

"Ah, not yet. I'm actually scheduled to visit a flat in the area later, so I thought I would get a few chores done."

"How many bedrooms?" Perhaps this was my chance to get rid of Dad.

"Two. Why?"

"Would you need a roommate?"

"Do you want to move in with me?" he inquired, raising his eyebrows.

"I'm trying to kick Dad out," I informed him. "I just need a place to kick him into, once he's out."

"I don't think that would be... Appropriate."

"Honestly, don't act like a prude," I snorted upon realizing that he was talking about his little crush on my father, agh. "You'll be fine."

"I'll... Think about it."

"What the hell are you two talking about?" Ginny suddenly cut in, looking rather confused.

"Remus wants to bone my dad," I told her as Remus began to blush.

"Don't we all," she sighed.

"No, we don't, actually," I grumbled.

"Right." Remus looked rather red. "I need to be... Er... Going. It was nice seeing you."

After Remus left, Ginny and I both found some rather interesting books, and it wasn't long before Colin and Luna returned to browse with us. They didn't look too mussed or anything, so perhaps they hadn't been snogging; I was still suspicious. I could see the guilt in Colin's eyes! Luna's eyes... I've made it a point over the years not to try interpreting anything in them.

Still... Something was up, and I could tell. I just needed to find out what.

---------------

I scanned over my shopping list as I ventured down one of Hogsmeade's many side streets, trying to decide which items took priority. I definitely needed to go grocery shopping, since the creature's monstrous friends were devouring everything in my house. I also needed some chocolate truffles. Men can indulge in sweets, too.

"Severus?" Lupin interrupted my contemplation of the shopping list, completely ruining my day.

"Lupin," I greeted stiffly, heading toward the side of the street so as not to be trampled by the other pedestrians.

"This is rather strange. I just ran into Nadia in the bookstore and-"

"Merlin, Lupin! Do you want me to be found?" I grabbed him by the sleeve and pulled him along. "We've got to keep moving, or they might catch up."

"Er... Alright." Lupin seemed perplexed, for some reason.

"And what does that beast have to do with anything, Lupin?"

"Nothing." He paused, giving me a strange look. "You call her a beast?"

"Among other things," I replied, nudging him into motion again.

"Often?"

"Why is it any of your business?"

"Well, I'm just curious." He fell silent, and I could tell that he wanted to bring up Nathanyel. I was just waiting for it. "So... Do you have any names for Nathanyel?"

I knew it.

"I mean... Not that I care."

"Of course not," I grumbled. "Mostly I call him an idiot. But you don't care, so..."

"Right." Lupin cleared his throat a bit, avoiding my gaze.

"Alright, then. I might as well bring it up, since you're so desperate to chat," I conceded, stopping so we could converse.

"Bring up what?"

"You know what."

"No, I really..." He stopped talking at the look I gave him. "Alright, go on."

"You've been avoiding Nathanyel an awful lot, lately," I forged ahead, watching Lupin's face carefully. "I thought you'd be practically coming in your pants, now that he's been giving you so much attention."

"He's just going through a mid-life crisis, probably," Lupin replied, sounding completely casual as we got out of the way of a very large witch with a cart full of what looked like moldy cabbages.

"Oh?"

"He's feeling lonely, now that Nadia's moved out and he's on his own. He only wants some validation of his own life. You know him better than anyone else, Severus. He's acting attracted to me for purely selfish reasons. He's always been a selfish person."

"You're right," I conceded.

"Once he feels better about himself, he'll go back to ignoring me."

"You don't seem very upset."

"Do I ever seem upset?" He had a point, there. "I've been avoiding him because I know that if I accept his advances, I'll end up getting too attached. It'll turn out just like the last time."

"Are you sure of that? He's matured. A little bit. Sort of." I couldn't believe I was actually encouraging Lupin. So much for common sense.

"Of course. He always makes decisions for everyone else, completely on his own. He thinks he knows what's best for everyone, even when he really doesn't. So, if anything happens between us, he'll end up breaking it off for one reason or another, thinking that it's the best thing for me, when really, it'll just be because he's afraid or was using me the whole time."

"How very insightful of you."

"Yes, I thought so."

"The thing is, I'm not so sure your prediction is completely accurate." I couldn't believe what I was doing. My mouth had taken on a life of its own, and there was no stopping it. "You said I know him better than anyone else. And it's true that he's a completely selfish person, and always thinks of how things will affect him before anyone else. That's why I think you're wrong. He's chasing after you for a reason, after all, even if he doesn't know it, himself."

"He's only drawn to me because..." Lupin trailed off, frowning. "He said to me, once, that it was because of... You know."

"Then maybe it's mating season." I couldn't resist a werewolf joke. It was just too easy.

"Get back to the topic at hand."

"Alright. The bottom line is, Lupin, that he fancies you."

"I think not."

"I know the man better than he knows himself. The twit fancies you, and he doesn't even know it. So, just give him a second chance before I decapitate him for annoying me with his stupid love life." Damn you, tongue. Damn you!

"I can't believe you're saying all these things to me. Did somebody bribe you?"

"I was making potions this morning. Maybe it's left over from the fumes."

"That could be it."

"Reeeeemus!" That was the idiot, racing toward us. I resisted the urge to duck and cover.

"What the hell do you want?" I grumbled as he stopped in front of us, holding a bouquet of flowers.

"Scram," he replied casually, brushing me off.

"What do you mean, 'scram,' you little-"

"Bye-bye birdie!" He pushed me out of the way, grabbed Lupin by the arm, and began dragging him down the street. "I got these for you..."

I turned around and headed home. My shopping was done, and there was no reason for me to stay. Besides, Nathanyel had his sights set on Lupin, and he wasn't going to give up easily. On the bright side of things, if I got home in time to catch the harpy I still had a chance of getting laid. That prospect certainly brightened my mood a bit.

--- ---

I sat in my study, trying to read; unfortunately, the house was empty upon my return and I was left to fend for myself. However, I refuse to masturbate when I have someone perfectly willing around to do the job for me. So there.

I was just getting comfortable when a series of slamming noises announced the arrival of one of my many houseguests; judging by the awful racket, it was either Nathanyel or his wretched offspring. When the door to the study was opened and slammed back shut and Nathanyel dropped onto the sofa beside me, my suspicions were confirmed.

He was looking at me with the most pathetic expression that I had ever seen on a grown man's face; his eyes were wide and glassy, his nose was rather pink and beginning to run, and his lip was trembling. He looked like a kicked puppy.

"Is there something wrong?" I grumbled, shutting my book and setting it aside. There was no hope for getting anything done with an upset Page in the room.

"Remus hates me," he muttered miserably.

"Don't be stupid," I replied, quite aware that the opposite was true.

"I'm not being stupid," he protested; he did seem rather upset. Instead of his normal loud, wailing ruckus, he was being very quiet. "He never wants to see me again."

"So Lupin told you that he hates you and never wants to see you again?" I inquired, doubting the validity of the statement.

Nathanyel gave an ominous sniff. "Not in so many words."

"Then what's to worry about?"

He sniffed again, then leaned over and buried his face in my shoulder. Wonderful- I was going to have soaked robes. "He doesn't like me," he moaned piteously.

"Get a hold of yourself, you twit," I snapped as I felt the wetness beginning to spread.

"I'm not crying," he croaked, letting out another sniff. "Really. I'm not."

"What happened?" I finally gave in.

"He's angry at me. He told me to go and he didn't want me there and now I'm here, but I don't want to be here, I want to be there."

"Uhuh." I hate trying to decipher his idiotic run-on sentences. "Did you hit on him again?"

"I kissed him and I tried to hold his hand."

"Tried?" I asked.

"He pushed me away. Or pulled himself away. I don't know."

"Ah." I was actually rather surprised at Lupin's willpower. "And that would be when he told you to go."

"No, not yet."

I rolled my eyes. "Then what?"

"I asked him why he didn't want to kiss me."

"And?"

"And he said it wasn't a good idea, and he frowned at me, Severus, he frowned."

I tried not to grimace at the idiocy of it all.

"And then- and then-" He paused to sniff again. "And then I tried to hold his hand, but he pulled it away and told me to stop it, and he sounded angry."

"And then he told you to leave?" I hoped so; that would mean that I wouldn't have to listen to any more of his asinine story.

"Yes."

"Where was this, again?"

"I went with him to look at a flat that was for sale."

"Ah." That slut. "So that's it?"

"He didn't say goodbye, either."

"How awful." I didn't think that I sounded very supportive.

"I'm really upset now," he moaned into my shoulder. "My stomach feels all squirmy and I can't breathe properly and I feel like screaming, but I can't." He took a deep breath, then let out a small sob. "He doesn't want me at all."

"Why does it matter?" I finally growled; I was sick and tired of hearing about Lupin all the time.

"It just does," he mumbled; I think he wiped his nose on me.

"You're already involved with two people," I reminded him, "and you're chasing after your daughter's friends."

"I know."

"So then why are you even going after Lupin in the first place?"

"Because," he replied miserably.

"Because what?" I shot back.

"Because I want to be near him, and every time I see him I want to kiss him and touch him and hold his hand and it feels bad when I can't because I just want to so much."

Meanwhile, I wanted to vomit. "You fancy him," I groaned, more to myself than to him.

"No I don't," he protested.

I decided not to argue. "Fine, fine. Everything will be alright, what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, you're a brave little girl, and all that rot. Do you feel well enough not to slobber all over me, yet?"

"Do you really think I'm a brave little girl?"

"I believe that would be a yes." I nudged him, trying to get him to detach himself from me. "Alright, get off me."

"Fine, fine." Nathanyel used me as leverage to push himself away, then wiped his face with his sleeve, trying to compose himself. "I need to calm down, anyway." With another loud sniff, he pulled out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket.

"I do not want my house smelling like smoke."

"Then clear it up with a spell." He lit one of them, sighing heavily. "It's not like I do this a lot, anyway." The smoke was already getting in my face.

"It's bad for you, you know," I grumbled.

"It isn't like I'm planning on living an inordinately long time, anyway," he muttered, taking a particularly long drag and wiping his eyes again while I made a mental note to bring that particular comment back into the conversation later. "Which reminds me... I need to see Olivia again. I'm overdue, and I haven't heard much from her lately."

"How has she been?" I asked, thankful for a change of subject.

"Alright, I suppose. You know how she is; even if she wasn't, she wouldn't let me know. At least she finally has everything in order with the estate. She can finally retire, you know."

"But does she want to?"

"I don't know why she wouldn't," Nathanyel muttered, staring down at his cigarette. "It's an awful job."

"Perhaps not to her." I'd always thought her a bit strange; then again, what can you expect from Nathanyel's cousin? "What did she say to you last time you saw her?"

"Hmm." He reached up to scratch the back of his neck. "She said that she wasn't a doctor, nor was she her father, and slammed the door in my face. Friendly, right?"

"Well, it certainly sounds like her."

"She'll feel better soon enough," he reassured me. "Though, it was a bit disturbing that she brought up her dad." He frowned, narrowing his eyes at what seemed to be absolutely nothing.

"Laszlo's been dead an awfully long time. Hasn't she gotten over it, yet?"

"Not just Laszlo," he replied sharply. "Giselle, Shinji, and Louis, too. That's four people at once."

"So that constitutes four successive periods of mourning, then?" Perhaps I was being a bit too snide; Nathanyel always was a bit touchy on the subject of his family.

"You've always been a bit of a berk about the multiple personalities," he murmured, though that was as much of an admonition as I was apparently going to get. "Do you think I should even be worrying about this sort of thing? I mean, Olivia can look after herself and I can look after myself. So what's the big deal?"

"It's your business," I grumbled. "And how long is it that you expect to live?" I asked, taking him by surprise. "You said you didn't plan on living a long time. Is that by wizard standards?" I believe that I sounded a bit too sharp.

"Of course it is," he practically growled, wiping at his eyes and sniffling again. "Uncle Laszlo told me..." He trailed off, his frown growing.

"What is it? One hundred, ninety-five... What?"

"I won't make it to my nineties," he sighed, finishing off his cigarette. "I'll get into the late eighties, if I'm lucky and I take care of myself."

"But you don't," I pointed out.

"Exactly," he replied. "It's a long time, for a muggle."

"But you aren't a muggle."

"Are you worried that you won't be able to live without me?" he teased, although he didn't seem too happy at the moment.

"I'll be devastated," I assured him. "How did the conversation get to this point, exactly?"

"You asked me how long I'm going to live," he muttered, stretching. "And I'm telling you. I'm sure that by the time it's all over I won't want to live any longer, anyway. Besides, you can get a lot done in eighty-something years. It's not such a raw deal, really."

"You'll probably outlive everyone just to irritate us," I grumbled.

"Or maybe out of spite for my father," he replied. "He knew poking and prodding at me would have consequences; he just didn't care, as long as they didn't affect him."

"Well. As long as we're on the subject, how would you like your funeral?"

"I already know what my funeral will be like," he informed me airily.

"Of course," I humored him.

"It will be sunny out, partly cloudy; they'll be the big fluffy kind that turn into shapes. And everyone will be there."

"Who's everyone?"

"Everyone," he repeated, sweeping his arms out to reiterate the sentiment. "And my coffin will be covered with flowers- pink and yellow, because it'll be a day in late spring, when the temperature is just right. And my tombstone will be there, and it won't say anything but my name, because there won't need to be anything else on it." He adopted a far away look, as if he was actually looking forward to it. "And everyone will walk up, intending to be sad, even though none of them are wearing black- the announcements will tell them that there will be no black allowed- and when they finally gather around, they'll find that they just can't do it. None of them can mourn or cry, they just can't. So they'll all stand there, trying to look sad even though they're not, because it's a funeral for crying out loud, and they won't know what to do."

"Will there be a priest?"

"No. Nadia will do the eulogy- I know that's usually said at the wake, but I'm not going to have a wake. It dulls the effect, I think, too much."

"Ah."

"Anyway, she'll walk up to tell my eulogy- and she'll have planned out a lovely, depressing one, too- and when she gets there she'll just completely forget the whole thing. Just like that." He snapped. "And her whole mind will just be a blank. And you know what she'll do?"

"What?"

"My daughter, my Nadia-" he gave me a meaningful look there- "will laugh. She'll just stand there and laugh and laugh, louder and louder. And then other people will start laughing, too, because what else is there to do? None of them are sad, not even remotely, so why not? Even you'll laugh. Everyone will just laugh." He leaned back into the sofa, nodding decisively. "And when it's all over, they'll remember me. They won't be sad or angry; most of them won't even miss me; but they'll remember me." He grinned a bit, snapping back into reality. "And that will be it exactly. You'll see."

"I suppose I will," I sighed.

"Yup. Thanks for cheering me up, Severus."

"So glad I could be of service."

"Do you have any ice cream?"

Sometimes I wonder what the hell I was thinking when I became his friend.

Well, more like all the time.