A Sojourn with Severus Snape

Chapter 4: How to be Absolutely Glamorous

-

Seeing love is always uplifting. That's what pornography is for, after all.

-

Severus and I were at the table, eating dinner, when Dad walked in. "Ah, I had such a refreshing time conversing with Harry at his flat. In fact, it was so refreshing, that I think I'll skip dinner completely and go start on that report I've been putting off." Severus grimaced slightly.

"I'm full," he said. "I don't think I could stomach another bite."

"So I'm the only one eating, then?" I queried.

"Yes," Severus grumbled, looking a bit sick. "I think I'll go lay down..." I let out a long, exaggerated groan.

"Fiiiine. I guess I'll eat alone."

"I knew you'd understand." At least eating alone meant I didn't have to listen to any of Dad's gross comments or Severus' asinine complaints. Still, it's lonely, eating alone.

Of course, once I was done, I ventured upstairs to look for Severus. I had a hunch that he would be reading in bed like the grumpy old man that he is, and I was right. "What are you reading?"

"None of your business."

"Fine." I crossed my arms and shot him my deadliest glare, which he ignored. "I'll just change the subject."

"Go ahead."

"You know what, Severus?" He let out a grunt.

"What?"

"If you were part of the X-Men, you would be Wolverine."

"...Don't speak."

"But-"

"Never again." I made my way over to the bed, and sat down to read over his shoulder for a while. I knew it would get his attention, since he hates it so much. "Did you want something?" I am always right.

"...I'll bet you don't even know who the X-Men are."

"I'm going to kill you in your sleep tonight."

"Hah! I knew it!"

"I suggest you keep your wand under your pillow."

"Where's Dad, by the way?"

"No idea. Oh, and sleep with one eye open."

"You can stop that now."

"Hmph. We're almost out of coffee."

"I think we should fight each other like in those kung fu movies to settle our differences from now on."

"...I'm going out for dessert."

"Enjoy yourself. I, sadly, must stay behind. You see, I care about my health, unlike some people."

"Too bad for you, then." I let him get the last word in; after all, he did seem to be under some stress (because of Dad). Speaking of whom, I was wondering what he was up to. So, I skipped off to find him. It really wasn't that difficult; he was in the study, which is where everyone goes to do everything in the whole wide world.

"Hey, Dad." He let out a long-suffering sigh.

"What is it?" He didn't seem in the mood to talk.

"You owe me." He groaned. "You just sprung this whole divorce issue on me out of the blue, so you owe me. As payment, I think you should show me pictures of you when you were young."

"What the hell is wrong with you? Are you attracted to me?"

"You're so gross!" I threw a pillow at him. Dad just chuckled and twisted his head around (much farther than normal) to give me a sleazy smile. "Asshole!" I hit him with another throw pillow.

"Alright, alright." He turned all the way around. "I guess I might have a photo album." With a groan, he stood up and left the room. YES! I WIN!

He came back with the skimpiest photo album I'd ever seen; it was easy to tell that he had taken a lot of pictures out of it. In fact, the first thing I saw when I opened it was a picture with one of the occupants ripped out. "Who'd you rip out of here?"

"My father."

"...Oh." Dad gets kind of creepy whenever his father is brought up. Well, creepier than usual. "You didn't like him, right?"

"That's a bit of an understatement." I didn't want to press the issue; Dad would probably say something weird, anyway, like, "I was smitten by the lustful curves of vengeance!" Or whatever. He's actually said that before.

"How'd he die?"

"Murder." I decided that it wasn't the best subject to pursue and (for once) dropped it. "Anyway, I've got things to do. Enjoy yourself." With that, he left the room. Huh.

So, I looked down at the photos. There were some shots of Lucius Malfoy, which was... Kind of creepy. I skipped ahead until I found something with Severus in it. Aww, they were so cute. Like little miniature versions of their current selves. Dad was sticking his tongue out and crossing his eyes, while Severus made a disgruntled face and gave him a smack upside the head. Then there was another of Dad kissing him on the cheek and him looking rather disgusted at it.

I also saw... Le gasp! Remus! With Lucius Malfoy! And it was easy to tell that they were fucking... I could see it in their eyes! Alright, so maybe that's not much to go on. I could still see it, though. The eyes are the windows to the bedroom!

Anyway, there were pictures of the two of them being all buddy-buddy with Dad and so on... Remus and Dad... Remus putting the moves on Dad while he stood by, completely oblivious... Wow, Remus has really been working hard at that, hasn't he?

"What are you looking at?" Severus had walked into the room and spotted me.

"Your mother."

"Is that a photo album?"

"Yes." I flipped to a page with him on it. "Look at how cute you were! Awww!"

"Put that away!" I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Why should I?"

"It's embarrassing!"

"I already have pictures of you from school, anyway," I sighed nonchalantly, shutting the album.

"...What?"

"Never mind." I jumped up and made for the door. "Why don't I make spanakopita for dinner tonight?" After that statement, the subject was forgotten.

--- ---

I was feeling alright, finally, with the living arrangements. In fact, the next day, I actually sort of missed Dad. I'd thought he had off, but he was nowhere to be seen. I was feeling a bit lonely, especially since Severus was so absorbed in his lesson plans. He ventured into the kitchen for lunch, but didn't seem in the mood to talk.

That was when I heard the front door open and close, followed by the sound of footsteps. "That must be Dad," I stated, getting up to go greet him in the entrance hall. I found him in front of the door, wiping his feet on an expensive oriental rug.

"Dad! I thought you had off today. Where were you?" He grinned at me.

"Celebrating my new found freedom." I scowled.

"How?" Still grinning like an idiot, he yanked his shirt up, exposing... Himself.

"Check it out!" His right nipple was pierced.

"You pierced your nipple!?"

"Yeah! Isn't it sexy?"

"No! And why did you only pierce one? Why not both?"

"I like the asymmetrical look." he fingered the little silver hoop a bit. "I always wanted to get something pierced," he sighed. "This is so great! I can't wait to show Sev!"

"Show me what?" Severus entered the room, took one look at Dad's exposed chest, and left the way he came.

"He likes it," Dad informed me.

"Dad... I... Don't like looking at your nipples. Please, cover yourself."

"Hypocrite," he muttered, dropping his shirt. "My sun kissed chocolate nipples are so much better than yours."

"Yeah, keep dreaming."

"Whatever you say." Then he triple-snapped at me. "If you'll excuse me-"

"Wait up a minute!" He paused, already having started for the door. "I need to go grocery shopping. You're going to help."

"Why?"

"Because you're the fastest bag in the west." Dad smirked at me. "And I'm lazy. Now, come."

"All over myself." I suppressed my vomit long enough to snap at him.

"That has no effect on me!"

So, off we skipped to the market to get groceries for the week. As we stepped outside the house, that crazy bicycle man with the handlebar mustache rode by.

"Good morrow, neighbors!"

"Back at ya!" I flashed him a thumbs up before continuing on my way, dragging Dad along. He kept flashing random people on the street, and I pretended that we weren't together. Finally, after nearly being beaten down by an outraged mother of two, we made it to the market.

"Oh, hullo, Minnie! Look what I got!" I dodged behind a stack of produce while Dad flashed Professor McGonagall.

"What in Merlin's beard do you think you're doing?" I heard her shrill. "This is a public building!" After she scolded him a bit more and walked away, I crawled out from behind the produce.

"Dad, please stop exposing yourself in public."

"But-"

"No." With a long-suffering sigh, he followed me over to the bread aisle.

"Don't be such a prude."

"I'm not prude, I'm normal. And embarrassed by you."

"Hmph." He cheered up once we found a loaf of honey banana bread, though. To my disappointment, this distraction didn't last long.

"Hullo. Fancy seeing you here." It was Remus; I groaned.

"Remus, look!" Fast as lightning, his shirt came up.

"Er..." Remus blushed, his mouth falling slightly open.

"It's sexy, right?"

"...Yes." He certainly seemed to like it.

"Dad, cover yourself."

"But-"

"No." And, once again, he was willing to fulfill my wishes.

"Er- well, uh... It was... Nice." Dad beamed at him.

"I knew you'd like it!" Remus looked very pleased.

"So," I cut in, "seen any good sales yet?" Remus shrugged.

"I'm planning on enjoying my new life as a swinging single," Dad informed us enthusiastically. "This is just the beginning."

"Don't tell me this," I pleaded.

"I'm going to paint the town red!"

"Really?" I could tell that Remus was quite interested.

"Oh, yes. I'm really going to whore it up." My brain exploded.

"Why are you saying this in front of me? I don't want to hear you talk about having sex!"

"Why not? I do it all the time."

"OH GOD."

"Don't take the Lord's name in vain," Remus reminded me.

"You are not a priest!"

"Kristo's had sex, too," Dad stated airily.

"Ew!"

"And Remus."

"Well, that's alright. Remus is sexy, after all."

"True." Remus offered us a weak smile. "Say, are you seeing anyone?"

"No." He was starting to get his hopes up, the poor man.

"Hm. Nice to have some time to yourself, I hope."

"Yes. Right."

"Remus, why don't you join us for dinner tonight?" I suggested, taking pity on him.

"Oh, I wouldn't want to be a burden."

"Don't be silly! Dad's a burden, yes, but you aren't."

"I shouldn't-"

"Pleeeeaaaase?" Dad interjected. I could see that it was impossible for Remus to resist his more than limited charms.

"...Alright, if you insist."

"We're going to have so much fun, Remus!" I rolled my eyes. "Come on, let's go steal things from the deli!" He dragged Remus off, practically skipping.

It had become official that day. My father was going through a mid-life crisis. Alright, it was a bit early, but these things happen. I was convinced he'd be getting tattoos and dating women my age within the week.

"So..." And dinner did nothing to relieve my suspicions.

"Do you think I should get a tattoo?" At least the conversation was interesting.

"What? Why?" Although, I wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea of Dad getting a tattoo.

"You know, on my arse. What do you think, Remus?"

"Hm? Er..." Remus tinged a bit pink. "Do whatever you want with your arse, Nathanyel."

"Just don't involve me," Severus added.

"Or me," I joined. Remus remained silent.

"Maybe I'll get a big heart and Severus' name tattooed on my left buttock," Dad stated airily.

"You disgust me," Severus snapped.

"Fine, then. No tattoo for you. I'll get Remus' name instead." Remus blushed.

"Why is this even being discussed?" I asked.

"To cause you physical and emotional pain."

"Oh."

Dinner was... Well, basically like that. Dad making an ass out of himself, Severus complaining, and Remus blushing like a schoolgirl. All in all, it was pretty standard. Afterward, however, I was left to clean up while Dad dragged Remus off, probably to show him his piercing again. "I think that was rather a disaster," Severus commented, sipping some tea at the table.

"Are you going to help me clean up or not?" I grumbled.

"I think not."

"You are an awful, terrible man who smells bad."

"I most certainly do not smell bad."

"Whatever." I sighed, staring down at the dirty dishes. "Do you think Remus really fancies Dad?"

"You're just noticing this?"

"Well... It's weird. Besides, I feel bad for him."

"I feel worse for myself, having to watch those disgusting displays." I rolled my eyes.

"How kind of you."

"Speaking of which, I'd better make sure Lupin isn't molesting him." Severus stood up and swept out of the room, scowling. He tries to act nonchalant, but I can tell when he's worried. That big softie.

---------------

I headed straight for my study, since it was the only relatively private room in the house with a comfortable sofa. Everyone always seems to congregate there, and I've been getting rather sick of it.

Of course, there they were, on my sofa. Nathanyel, the dirty shirt lifter, was showing off that thing he'd gotten. I swear, sometimes I just can't understand him. Why would he want Lupin ogling him like that? It's nauseating.

I crossed my arms and waited to be noticed. "That must have hurt," Lupin commented.

"A little." Nathanyel shrugged, beaming down at his... Atrocity.

"May I... Er... Touch it?"

"Sure." I could not believe I had to witness such a scene. "Mph. That feels nice..." Oh, for the love of Merlin!

"Does it?" Lupin was getting awfully close.

"Yeah..." Nathanyel certainly didn't seem to object, either, the slut.

"Augh!" They pulled apart, and with a squeak, Nathanyel dove behind the back of the sofa. Lupin looked a bit disgruntled.

Well, who could blame me? I didn't want to watch them shove their tongues down each other's throats! Though, they probably didn't have enough time to add some tongue.

"Hey, hey." Nathanyel popped his head up from behind the couch. "I've got to listen to you fuck my daughter every night. I think you could handle a little kiss." I could tell I was turning red.

"Shut it!"

"Why don't you just stay out of it, Mr. Humbert?"

"You're the one who's always meddling!"

"I can do whoever I want!"

"Wah wah wah! You sound like a whiny little baby!"

"Maybe I am! I know you like them young, you Lolita loving pervert!"

"It's a lot better than bestiality!"

"It isn't the full moon!"

"I'll bet you'd do it on a full moon, anyway!"

"Maybe I would!" An eerie silence fell over the room. "...Or... Maybe not."

"You are such an idiot. I don't even know why I care what happens to you." I crossed my arms and turned my back on him. "Go off and do whatever you want; it doesn't matter to me if you end up dead in a ditch somewhere."

"Fine! I don't care whether you care or if you care that I don't care or not, because I don't care!"

"You really showed him," I heard Lupin mutter as I stalked away.

"...Waaaahhh! Sevums hates me now!"

The best way to deal with Nathanyel's tantrums is to ignore them.

Even if they keep you up all night.

--- ---

The next day marked the countdown until that damn hypocrite's brain dead friends would arrive for their little stay. I got out of bed thinking that in just over twenty-four hours they would be in my home, making my life even worse than it already was. It was rather depressing, actually. It didn't help my mood, either, when I found Nathanyel sulking at the dinner table. "Oh, please," I grumbled, pouring myself some of the coffee he'd evidently made.

"I have every right to be cross with you," he sniffed indignantly.

"Oh, do you? Because I believe that you are the one who was about to fornicate with a werewolf on my sofa!"

"I was not going to fornicate with him!"

"You looked pretty damn cozy to me."

"I wouldn't just fornicate with Remus like that! What do you take me for, a slut?"

"Yes."

"At least I don't fornicate with my friend's daughter!"

"Will you stop using the word 'fornicate' already? You sound like a damn textbook!"

"You're the one who started it in the first place! Besides, what's wrong with fornication? I'll fornicate all I like! Fornicate, fornicate, fornicate!" I was beginning to get a headache.

"What about fornication?" Great, now she was up, as well.

"Good morning, Nadia," Nathanyel greeted with a smile. "Severus and I were just discussing what he likes to do in his free time."

"Tell me about it."

"I would rather not discuss this at the breakfast table," I snapped.

"Fine, Mr. Grumpypants. I'll just grab a bite of toast and be off for my latest job applications."

"Good luck." I failed to mask my sarcasm; most likely because I didn't actually try.

"Haha," she grumbled, taking a slice of toast from Nathanyel's plate and exiting the room.

"You two seem to get along rather swimmingly," he commented, apparently sincere in his observation.

"Right."

"A lot better than we get along, at least."

"Nathanyel, if you have something to say, then just say it."

"Well... I wanted to say that I think we should make up." I rolled my eyes. "Let's have some make up fornication."

"Hohoho. You slay me."

"Really, though. I don't like fighting with you."

"Fine, fine. We're made up."

"With glitter and sparkles?"

"If you insist."

"Yay! Okay, I'm going to work now. Give me a kiss goodbye!"

"I am not kissing you goodbye."

"But I want a kiss on the cheek and I want it now!"

"No!"

"Fine, then. I'll kiss you!" And he did, rather sloppily. I was wiping the slobber off of my cheek when the girl came in and put some more on there.

"Bye bye, my cuddly ickle sparklewhore!" I shuddered in disgust.

"Good day."

On the bright side, I was finally left alone. I knew that I probably wouldn't have such peace and quiet in a long time, so I tried my best to treasure it. However, upon entering my study and approaching my desk, I found a note from Nathanyel requesting that I research... Uterine surgery. He'd even provided the books for me. So it was that with a heavy sigh, I sat down and began working my way through the pile of books.

--- ---

"I have a gift for you, Severus." Scowling, I looked up at Nathanyel, briefly abandoning my study. It was difficult to believe that it was lunchtime already.

"Is it not enough for you that I'm researching uterine surgery for Merlin knows what reason?"

"No, but I do appreciate it." He circled around to stand behind my chair and hung a framed photograph in my face. "Nice, right?" It was the... Creature.

"Dear lord."

"You know you like it." It was the most frightening thing I'd ever seen.

"She has your smile." He leaned around the back of the chair to give me that idiotic smile, with his face scrunched up and all his teeth showing. "It's eerie."

"I know. I thought you might want to look at it all the time."

"I don't." He kept smiling. "Stop that!"

"We look identical, whooooo! Spooky like a ghost!"

"You don't even make sense." I pushed him away. "Do you want me to read about uteruses or not?"

"I'll just go put this on your desk."

"It isn't necessary."

"It most certainly is." With a flourish, he placed the photograph on the polished surface of my desk, forever tarnishing it. "There, now isn't that lovely? I love it."

"I vomit on it."

"Don't say things like that. I know you don't mean it."

"Every day I am forced to watch her disgusting habits and listen to her inane babble. I'm fairly sure that a large portion of my brain has simply exploded from such prolonged exposure to her."

"You're so mean."

"I don't think so."

"You know you like her."

"Maybe her cooking." She does make a heavenly leg of lamb.

"You like her. You like like her."

"What are you, four? Get over yourself."

"Somebody's in looooove!" He taunted.

"You know that isn't true."

"Ah, they grow up so fast."

"Nathanyel!" He stopped, looking puzzled at my less than patient tone.

"Yes?"

"Shut it." He closed his mouth with an audible click, tightly pressing his lips together until they disappeared. "I don't know how I've managed to put up with you for so long."

"Mmmffmmfffpphhhmm." I glared at him.

"Open your mouth."

"I said, 'Because you love me.'"

"Hn." I didn't bother to deny it.

"Love you, too, sweet-cheeks." He blew a kiss at me, then bounced out of the room without another word. I glared after him, then tried to return to studying the atrocious book before me.

It was rather difficult to concentrate, though, so I moved over to the desk. I tried to ignore the picture staring at me, with that annoyingly large smile, but it was difficult to avoid. Finally, I gave in and moved it to a less cluttered spot.

Nathanyel would nag me too much if I put it away, anyway.

--- ---

I was staring absently at that ridiculous picture Nathanyel had given me of his asinine daughter, having lost my train of thought while outlining lesson plans, when the beast in question entered the room. "What's going on, my homeslice?" Thinking quickly, I slapped the photograph face down on the desk.

"It is absolutely none of your concern."

"Lesson plans?"

"Yes."

"Are you teaching loooooove potions, for twu wub?"

"No."

"Would you like to spare a moment for dinner?"

"...You made dinner?" She crossed her arms.

"What, you're surprised?"

"I thought you were done for the month." She rolled her eyes. "What did you make?"

"Tuna sandwiches and soup." I stared at her. "What?"

"You call that dinner?"

"Oh, fuck you." I do enjoy tuna, though. "And you've got dish duty," she grumbled, walking out of the room.

Sometimes I think it would be easier living with a hag.

---------------

It was a Saturday when Ginny, Luna, and Colin arrived with their respective luggage. Colin's had old lady flower prints all over it. "Good day, my dear friends!" I exclaimed, flaunting the fact that I lived with Severus by throwing my arms wide to present to them my current residence. "It's so good to see you all again!" Just then, Dad walked into the room, fresh from the shower and wearing a set of new green robes. Sweetheart was perched contentedly atop his head. He stretched for a long time and surveyed the room. "You remember my father," I said to Colin, noticing his slightly nervous state. "And this is his fwooper, Sweetheart. Dad, you remember Colin, Ginny and Luna..." His eyes lit up and a wide grin spread across his face. It was nice to see him so happy; Luna had visited last summer and Dad had gotten along spectacularly with her.

"Luna!" he exclaimed. He rushed over to her and shook her hand animatedly. "So good to see you again! How have you been? How's your father? Any good news? Have you spotted a skunkfooted hypodroquad recently?" She took the barrage of questions in stride, smiling benignly and answering in her usual far-off voice.

"I'm alright. My father is currently trying to prove that Nundu bones have powerful restorative properties, and is doing well. I haven't spotted a skunkfooted hypodroquad, but sightings have been reported throughout Brighton." He looked absolutely thrilled, which was relieving and troubling at the same time.

"Wonderful!" He greeted Ginny and Colin, then went about his morning routine. He was so happy, that as he did so, he took the silencing charm off of Sweetheart and started warbling along with her. After a while, Luna was the only one not covering her ears.

"When will they stop?" Ginny asked over the noise.

"No idea!" I answered. After a bit longer, Dad replaced Sweetheart's silencing charm and placed her in my hands.

"I'm off to work." He kissed me on the cheek. "I'll see you later, dearest. Good day, Ginny; Colin." He shook Ginny and Colin's hands, then turned to Luna and took her hand. "...Luna." He leaned down and kissed it, flashed her a charming smile, then swept out of the room. I, in the meantime, felt like vomiting.

"Your dad's a nutter," Colin said bluntly.

"Well, he's a bit eccentric," Ginny agreed, "but..."

"But what?" I asked warily. She turned to me, looking apprehensive.

"I mean, he's just so... So..." She seemed to be searching for the right word. "...So sexlicious!" I nearly fell to the floor, and I could hear Severus let out a snort of laughter.

"What?!?"

"I agree," Luna said faintly, looking down at her hand.

"You're both terrible!" I exclaimed. At that moment, Severus walked up behind me and leaned over to mutter in my ear.

"I'll be out for a while. Try not to destroy anything." He squeezed my shoulder and was gone without another word. After the sound of the door slamming shut was heard, our discussion continued.

"Look who's talking," Ginny retorted, obviously referring to Severus.

"Severus is sexy," I replied. "End of story."

"And he certainly seems very caring, as well," Colin cut in.

"He is," I snapped.

"Why is your father here?" Luna asked faintly, sitting at the table.

"My parents are divorced," I replied grudgingly.

"So suddenly?" Colin asked, sounding surprised.

"He said they were waiting for the right time to tell me," I muttered. It always made me miserable to talk about it.

"So..." Ginny fished around for some way to change the topic. However, it was Colin who provided one.

"Any house rules?" he asked.

"Just two," I answered casually. "Don't bother Severus, especially when he's in a foul mood." Colin and Ginny rolled their eyes, while Luna just stared expectantly at me, unblinking. "And of course, the most important rule: If you hear laughter from behind any closed door at all, don't open it. Don't look. Just steer clear."

"Why?" Colin seemed intrigued.

"Just trust me on this. You don't want to find out." He looked a bit uncomfortable; I suppose a possibility had occurred. "Anyway, I'll show you to your rooms. Try not to upset the portraits as we go along; we'll be up all night."

"You'll be up all night, either way," Ginny replied. "Bow chika bow wow!"

"Augh, you sound like Dad!" There was a short pause in the conversation.

"Your Dad actually talks to you like that?" Colin replied incredulously.

"Of course! You've met him."

"Where have you been?" Luna added nonchalantly. Colin just rolled his eyes.

"Alright, here we are!" I forced my way through one of the doors in the guest wing that always got stuck, coughing slightly in the musty air. "As you can see, Severus doesn't get a lot of visitors. This room, the next one, and the one across the hall are all up for grabs. Dad's at the opposite end of the corridor if you need anything; he knows his way around, so don't worry." They looked rather doubtful (if you could call Luna's expression that.) "So... Who wants this room?"

After everyone had gotten settled in, we stood around in awkward silence for a bit. Luckily, Ginny knew exactly what to say.

"How's the sex?"

"Eww!" Colin groaned.

"It's good. I'm especially fond of his menstrual fetish."

"Augh!"

"He's such a sweetheart."

"That's enough! No more!"

"Fine, fine." I sighed, lamenting the loss of my ability to brag about my sex life, due to my conscience. "It's just so nice to be able to talk about all this." I indicated my own room, which I had immediately insisted upon showing to them once they were set up in their rooms.

"I thought you shared a room," Luna commented. I scowled at her.

"We share when we sex each other," I replied defiantly.

"I do not want to know about your sex life with Snape," Colin grimaced.

"Alright, already," I replied irritably. "So... Let's catch up and dress Colin in drag!"

"Yeah!" Ginny agreed. "We'll make him look so glam!"

"I've got a few things we could use," Luna informed us, leaving to retrieve said items.

"I'll tie him up while you get your make up," I told Ginny.

"Right."

"Wait!" Colin wailed as I advanced on him. "What about my opinion?"

"That doesn't matter right now." It was surprisingly easy to get him tied up like a nice little package; I suspected that he wasn't struggling to his fullest ability.

"Let's get this party started!" Ginny announced, walking in with Luna. "I've got the lipstick. This is so your shade of red, Colin. And I have some glitter and eye shadow, too. What do you think we should do with his hair?" Luna held up a scarlet ribbon.

"Perfect!" I exclaimed. "I've got some hair care stuff here that we can use, and nail polish."

"I have an outfit," Luna informed us. Colin cringed and tried to get away as we advanced on him, but he was outnumbered and mostly immobile.

Within an hour we had him completely glammed out. Red lipstick, bronze eye shadow, silver sparkles, and green nail polish were, in my opinion, the best parts of the ensemble. His hair was carefully mussed, topped off by the ribbon; he wore a shiny gold tank top and a rather fetching skirt. "It is a masterpiece," Ginny declared.

"Certainly," Luna agreed.

"Let's take pictures!" I suggested.

"You're all sick," Colin grumbled. I could tell he was enjoying it, though.

"What are you-" Severus stopped mid-sentence, only one foot through the door, staring at us in a mixture of shock and disgust. "I am appalled." After that, he high-tailed it out of there.

"What is it? Severus? What did you see? I wanna see, I wanna see!" Dad came running into the room like a small child on Christmas. Upon seeing Colin, he became... Ecstatic. "Let me get the camera!"

"The family resemblance is really astounding," Ginny noted as Dad scurried from the room.

"Please, don't take pictures," Colin begged. It was too late for him, though.

"Okay, smile!" Dad had returned with the camera and begun snapping photos. "Get in the picture, Nadia!" I did so quite willingly. We all took turns taking pictures with Colin, including Dad (I was a bit disturbed when he licked him) and then Dad took a picture of us as a group.

"This is going straight in the photo album!" I proclaimed.

"Every single shot," Luna added. Colin groaned.

"This reminds me so much of my long lost youth," Dad sighed. "I wish I had someone like you girls to do my makeup for me." My mouth almost dropped open. Almost would be the operative word.

"Let's do it!" Ginny proclaimed excitedly. "We can take pictures of Mr. Page snogging Colin in drag!" We all stared at her. "...Er... That is... We can take pictures of Mr. Page not snogging Colin, but still in drag."

"That sounds..." I waited for Dad to disgust me with his old glam ways. "...Fabulous!"

"I'll do the hair, this time," Luna decided.

"And I'll go get my old party clothes! Wheee!"

"My life is horrible," I complained.

"Oh, come on," Ginny tried to comfort me. "It's fun getting your dad involved in the festivities!"

"You just want to see him in makeup."

"True. And snogging another boy. Or me." I scowled at her.

So it was that Dad was "glammed out" as well. He even gave us some pointers on how to do it "the proper way." Although, I must admit that Luna did a great job with the hair. It had sparkles in it!

The preparation was followed by a photo shoot with our two glam models, followed by Dad untying Colin and dragging him downstairs to show Severus, who immediately suffered from an apoplectic fit. "I'm even wearing my pretty pink knickers!" Dad informed him, much to Ginny's delight.

"Get out of my house!" was his jovial reply.

Well... Maybe not jovial, exactly...

All in all, it was a rather disgusting (for me at least,) yet rewarding night.

---------------

I was relieved when the group of rowdy children infesting my house had finally fallen asleep. Every moment up until then had been complete horror; especially when they tied me up and tried to "do my makeup." I wouldn't allow it. Nathanyel, on the other hand, was soaking it up. I wanted to rip his glittery face right off of his glittery head. "Good evening, mon ami," the culprit in questing greeted, sans makeup, but still in those horrid clothes.

"You are a horrifying, twisted individual."

"You liked it just fine when we were younger," he protested, pouting.

"Because I was young and stupid."

"Harumph. Well, anyway, I had fun."

"You didn't spend the whole time with them, did you?"

"Naw, I let the kids have their privacy. Nadia looked ready to go off on me, anyway." I crossed my arms.

"And I wonder why that would be?" He shrugged.

"I've absolutely no idea." I narrowed my eyes at him and pursed my lips to show my disapproval, but it didn't seem to be working. "Anyway, I wonder what they're all up to tomorrow? Do you think maybe Nadia would mind if I joined in again?"

"Nathanyel..." I eyed him warily. "You seem awfully happy about your daughter's friends visiting." He had such a deceptively innocent look on his face; I was not fooled for a second.

"Why wouldn't I be happy?" he replied, grinning. "Fresh meat!" I suppressed the urge to backhand him.

"You're an idiot."

"By the end of this week I vow to bed all three of them," he declared haughtily.

"Is that a bet?"

"Please. In what situation would it not be?"

"Alright, then. If I win, you have to move out, immediately."

"And if I win, you have to go on a date with Nadia."

"You disgust me."

"Is it a deal?"

"Yes." We even shook hands on in, like proper gentlemen. Nathanyel seemed fairly sure of himself, but I could sense the iota of doubt in his mind.

I was absolutely convinced that I was most definitely going to win this bet.