A Sojourn with Severus Snape

Chapter 3: Just Deal

When you're in love, it's important to always keep a gun under the mattress. Just in case.

Oy vey. Life with Severus Snape is... Well, not recommended to the weak of heart. Or patience. Or kindness. As a matter of fact, life with Severus Snape would most likely require a title of sainthood and several gallons of Holy water. Plus a massive sense of humor.

Unfortunately, I only possess that last quality, so I had a difficult time of it. Still... There were several high points in the last few days that I wouldn't trade for anything. Other than the sex, of course. For instance, the first time I saw him clean. Allow me to reminisce.

I was on my way out (to visit the gynecologist for some... ahem, then look for a job) when I paused, puzzled by the presence of... Some... thing. It was Severus, dressed in an apron, gloves, and... A babushka. That's right. He had some sort of rag tied over his hair. "What... Are... You... Wearing?"

"Shut up," he growled back, not even bothering to look up. "I'm cleaning."

"Be that as it may, you also seem to be doing so while pretending to be an eastern European housewife."

"You have a problem with my cleaning clothes?"

"Yes!" I sniggered.

"Well, why don't you take your high horse and shove it up your arse? I need some help, anyway."

"No can do, gotta visit the gyno and find a job. Or would you prefer I was the happy little housewife?"

"I'd prefer if you did something useful around here."

"Why must I always be criticized? I'm already a slave to your desires!"

"Just go."

"Alright. Should I pick anything up?"

"Just my will to live."

"Got it."

"And some feta cheese."

"Right, bye honey!"

"GO AWAY."

So, I soon found myself at the merciless hands of Dr. Stuart Meriwether, my gynecologist. Well... More like mercilessly clumsy. And if there are two things in this world that should never be combined, it's clumsiness and a pap smear. Either way, he's nice, and he's a good doctor. And I've been seeing him since I was twelve (yeah, I know that's weird, but I was a weird kid.) Besides, I needed some new birth control. So, I decided to break the news casually.

"Listen, Dr. Meriwether, it's not like I think there's something wrong with me-"

"Oh, of course not, no," he agreed.

"-But I think I really need to consider switching up to a stronger birth control."

"And why would that be, Nadia?"

"Because I'm boffing my professor."

"What?" He sat up a bit too quickly and hit his head on the examining light, then fell off his stool.

"It's not that surprising, is it? I mean, he's not my professor anymore."

"Er- right, of course."

"Can we hurry this up? The draft is awfully uncomfortable."

"Yes, let's."

"Anyway, I'm living with him now, and you wouldn't believe how often he wants it!"

"Oh." He dropped... I dunno, that thing he puts up my vagina, and then hit his head on the stirrup standing up again. "Oof!"

"Are you alright down there?"

"I'm fine."

"Where was I? Oh, yes. Professor Hornypants. Anyway, I mean, we do it everywhere- the kitchen, the library, the ceiling-"

"Nadia?"

"Yes?"

"Could you please- er- just hold that thought?"

"Sure. Sorry." I guess the subject made him kind of uncomfortable. Well, I was kind of uncomfortable, too, but in an entirely different way.

However, I got my new birth control (and was advised to get blood work in another three months and return for a checkup) and was happy. It's not like I don't want to use those handy contraceptive charms, it's just that... Well, better safe than sorry.

Upon my return to... Home, I suppose I'll call it now, I witnessed Severus making himself lunch. As in, eating the first thing he laid his eyes on. "Is there something the matter?" I asked.

"I can't find anything to eat!" he growled.

"We have plenty of fixings for a sandwich, don't we? Make a sandwich."

"I don't want a sandwich."

"Then what can I tell you? Starve to death."

"Will you make soup?"

"No."

"Why not? I cook all the time! I clean, I take care of finances, I let you freeload off of me, I-"

"I'm not making soup. End of story. Now, excuse me." I grabbed some bread and meat from the ice box and started making a sandwich.

"I hate you." He turned back to his search for the perfect meal.

"I don't care," I replied.

By the time I was halfway through my sandwich, he seemed to have found something. Except... It wasn't exactly what one would call "real" food. More like snack food.

"You're eating pocky?" I asked. The only reason I even know that it's pocky is because of Dad. He gets the stuff all the time from some place or another.

"Yes. And it happens to be very good."

"You can't have almond crush pocky for lunch."

"Why not?"

"Because it's not good for you! What happened to proper nutrition? You need more protein! Here!" I thrust the other half of my sandwich at him.

"No! I don't want a sandwich."

"Eat it!"

"No!"

"Eat it!"

"...Er... Am I interrupting something?" We both turned to see Remus standing in the entrance to the kitchen.

"What are you doing in my house?" Severus snapped.

"You're supposed to give me a refill on my Wolfsbane today... Remember?"

"Oh. Right." Scowling, he stood up and swooped from the room.

"I love it when he does that," I sighed.

"Ah, well, it is rather... Unique." Remus sat down in Severus' chair and stole some pocky. "I'm allowed to have almond crush pocky for lunch, right?"

"Yeah, whatever." He seemed happy about this. "So... Still trying to seduce my dad?"

"Really, Nadia, I don't see why we need to discuss my love life all the time. And yes, I am."

"Well... I'd wish you luck, but my dad's married." I feigned a glare at him. "You cheap harlot." Remus shrugged.

"Alright, here's your damn potion," Severus growled, returning to the room with a smoking goblet of Wolfsbane and shoving it into his hands.

"Severus!" I gasped. "You're just going to give it to him, right in front of me!?"

"Oh, shut up."

"And one would think you'd take a bit longer, this time," Remus added, grinning.

"I'll be in the study if you need me for anything other than cheap entertainment," Severus grumbled sullenly, crossing his arms and leaving in a huff.

"Wow," I commented, "he must be on the rag or something."

"Hm," Remus agreed, downing his potion and grimacing. "Well, I really must be off."

"See you next time I'm around my dad," I replied.

"Yes, see you later."

After Remus had left, I ventured into the study so I could bond with Severus. "Hello, lover."

"Go away. I'm reading." Well, he didn't seem to be in the mood to bond. Too bad for him, then.

"Alright, question time." He groaned. "Who or what is the strangest person or thing you've ever fancied?" Severus stared at me as if I'd lost my mind.

"Person or thing?" I nodded. "...You go first."

"Well," I replied, "I'd say it's a toss up between Jareth the Goblin King from a movie called 'The Labyrinth' and the portrait of Phineas Nigellus in the headmaster's office." He stared at me.

"A goblin and a portrait."

"Yes." He looked rather disgusted. "Hey, David Bowie played Jareth."

"Oh. Well, that's alright then." I agreed. "But a portrait?"

"Yes," I replied. "I used to make excuses to go to the headmaster's office just to catch a glimpse of him." I sighed. "He's just so handsome and witty."

"Alright, that's enough creepiness for one day." I grinned.

"It's your turn, now. Answer the question."

"No."

"Answer it!"

"I've never fancied anything strange. Now leave me be."

"Fine," I sighed. "I'll just read with you."

"Hmph."

---------------

I swear, if I'd known living with the girl would be such a trial, I never would have invited her. Every day, it's "Severus, do this," and "Severus do that." Then there's "You can't eat that!" and "I'm busy, go wank instead." Honestly! I thought she was supposed to be over the moon for me. One would think she'd at least put out!

Alright, so maybe that's a little harsh.

On second thought, no. It's not.

"Oi! Get out of my chair before I punch you in the face!" It's really, really not.

"Get your own chair!" I growled back. "I paid for it, it's mine!"

"I was working on my sweet man-loving!" she whined. "I need to finish my porn." I felt my jaw begin to twitch.

"No."

"Oh, come on! You can read it when I'm done."

"NO!" She let out a long-suffering sigh before dropping into the love seat a few feet away. Honestly, she can't just take over my study for her... Pornography.

"By the way, I invited my friends over. You know, the ones who helped me torture you." She shoved a finger into her mouth and started picking at her teeth. "Sho, hey shaid hey'd be here 'ext week, a'd hey're shtaying hor a week, hoo." I was outraged.

"What!?" She pulled her hand out of her mouth.

"I'll give you a blow job if you let them stay."

"That's disgusting!" After all, she was just picking half-masticated food from her teeth.

"I'll brush my teeth, too. And do it in that position you like, the one that makes you giggle like a school girl." I almost considered it, but then remembered that I am not one easily taken in by bribery. Although, she had been a rather cold fish lately. "Pleeaaase?"

"I refuse."

"I'll throw in a rim job."

"That is so gross," I lied.

"I know you like it! I know you do! Just say yes!"

"Or what?"

"Or I'll make you read my super gay porn!"

"You wouldn't."

"Marcus suddenly found himself pinned down between two strong thighs-"

"Argh! Fine! Your friends can stay, now shut the fuck up!"

"I knew you'd say yes." She got up to give me a kiss on the cheek. "You're just a sweetie pie."

"You owe me a blow job."

"And a rim job," she added.

"Pervert." Sometimes I wish Nathanyel had less of an influence over her.

"Whoopee! I get to lick your bum!" I decided to ignore her; I thought it would be best.

Two days later, I found myself sitting at the small table in the kitchen, watching her run around like some sort of ridiculous child, making something that smelled... Heavenly. She's volunteered to cook dinner (for once), most likely because she'd accidentally burned a very sensitive area of mine with a candle stick. It was... Very painful. "What are you making?"

"Nothing," she replied airily.

"Tell me what you're making."

"No. It's a surprise." She always finds some way to aggravate me, even when she's trying to please me. "Besides, I'm sure you can smell it well enough."

"That was out of line!"

"I can smell it." Sometimes I want to just... Strangle her.

"That isn't the point. You're the one making it!"

"And you should be grateful for that. It isn't often that I grace you with my excellent culinary skill."

"It smells like shit, by the way."

"That's because I shit in it."

"And here I thought it was just the horrible cooking." At least I get some good arguments out of her.

"Well, I'd be suspicious of that myself, but only if you were the one doing the cooking." She slammed something, causing me to wince. I don't want her ruining my kitchen.

"Is shit even in my diet?"

"Of course! At any rate, you won't even notice, since you have such bad taste."

"Is it too much to hope that my dinner won't bear any resemblance to a phallus?"

"Yes."

It turned out to be leg of lamb; damn her. How did she know that lamb was my one gastronomical weakness? "This is awful." It was heavenly.

"I know, but it was difficult to concentrate with your incessant nagging," she replied smoothly. "Try the potatoes and peppers." My God, yes.

"They're a bit bland."

"Not as bland as your lovemaking."

"Excuse me!"

"Seriously, you must have some sort of 'brace yourself, Bridget' gene, or something."

"I most certainly do not!"

"Prove it."

The rest of the night was spent doing just that.

---------------

"I'm home!" I waited for a response, but none came. I'd just returned from a hard day of job interviews, all of which had gone rather badly, and I was ready for some sweet loving. "Severus? I'm back!" Still no answer. I assumed he was working in the study, so I kicked off my shoes and headed over there.

I found him sitting at the desk in his study, writing furiously on some parchment. I had no idea of what he was doing, but I was certainly going to put a stop to it. After having a bit of fun, of course. "Severus?" He neither looked up nor paused his scratching quill.

"Yes?" he replied, a look of utter concentration on his face.

"Are you wearing... Suspenders?" At this, he paused momentarily to give me a look somewhere between annoyance and incredulity.

"...What of it?"

"Nothing," I replied quickly. "It's just that it was... unexpected."

"So sorry to expose you to this fashion faux pas," was his sarcastic retort as he turned back to his papers. "You're free to leave before you become violently sick from looking at them." I held in a bit of laughter, then approached him and snapped the backs of his suspenders playfully.

"Well, I like them," I muttered, sliding my arms around his waist and resting my chin on his shoulder. He merely grunted, continuing with his work. "Very cute."

"I don't do 'cute.'"

"Ah, but you are cute. And we both know that doing and being are two very different things." He shifted in his seat a bit.

"Perhaps not." I moved my hand a little lower.

"So what are you doing?"

"...Nothing of great importance..." And a little lower.

"Oh. So I suppose you can spare a few minutes?" Below the equator.

"...Or hours." Score one for me.

Actually, score several for me.

It was another few days before our blissful home life was once again interrupted. I was sitting in the kitchen and reading the Daily Prophet when I suddenly heard a loud bang from outside the house. I jumped in my seat, my heart leaping into my throat, but managed to calm myself down. As I returned to the newspaper, the bang sounded again. Then, something hit me; it must be the Knight Bus. I set the Daily Prophet down and listened carefully as footsteps and a soft, quiet cooing sounded through the open window. "No..." I muttered to myself. I heard loud knocking on the door and saw Severus approaching it, tying his dressing gown closed. I jumped to my feet and ran into the entrance hall after him, making it to the door just before he did and swinging it open; Severus seemed surprised by my behavior, but even more surprised by our visitor.

My father stood on the other side of the door, smiling cheerfully at us and holding a bulging briefcase, that infernal fwooper of his perched silently on his shoulder. "Good morning, lovelies," he greeted. Severus gaped.

"Dad?" I couldn't believe he was actually there.

"May I come in?" he asked. I stepped aside to let him in and he walked over the threshold, looking around and whistling. "Boy does this place look exactly the same!" he commented lightly, before jovially heading for the kitchen. I followed him, trying to get a straight answer from him. "Hungry, Sweetheart?" He held up a hand and Sweetheart gently nudged it with her head. He smiled and plucked her from his shoulder, setting her on the table. "Sorry for being such a bother," he said to Severus and me apologetically.

"No problem," I muttered, handing him a plum. He sat at the table and started peeling it, beginning to look a little troubled. Severus, meanwhile, still seemed to be in shock. I sighed, sitting next to Dad. "So why are you here?" He fed Sweetheart a piece of the plum before answering.

"I left your mother," he replied simply, sounding completely nonchalant about the whole thing. My mouth fell open and my stomach dropped to my feet.

"What?" It couldn't possibly be true. My parents were in love, my parents had a good relationship, they stuck together... Well, maybe not a good relationship, but they still stuck together!

"It's about fucking time!" Severus sighed. I glared at him. "I mean to say... Well, yes, that's what I meant to say."

"She was getting rather impatient, I think," Dad went on. "I mean, the divorce is already final. I was looking for somewhere to go, but after a while I realized that we both needed our space, so... Here I am!"

"But, you are going back eventually, right?" Of course he was.

"No, I'm afraid not." I couldn't find words; I was in shock. "It was inevitable. I do realize that I'm a lot to put up with, and God bless her for trying, but I think she was ready to admit me to the psychiatric ward of St. Mungo's. I'm not that bad, though, am I?"

"But... I thought... Don't you love each other?" I asked, completely ignoring his question.

"...No." It felt like a slap in the face. "We haven't for a long time. She only stayed with me because she thought I couldn't take care of myself. Not without reason, of course."

"And... And why did you stay?"

"For you," he answered simply. "I didn't want to pull you back and forth between us. I know that no matter what this would hurt for you, but I thought it would be best to wait until you grew up and moved out. And I was also a bit selfish... I didn't want to lose custody or anything like that."

"I can't believe this!" I finally burst out. "I just can't!" He bit his lip, frowning.

"Some plum?" he held out a piece he was obviously planning to feed to Sweetheart.

"No!" I knocked his hand away and stood up. "You just left Mum? You just walked out on her?" He sighed.

"We fell out of love years ago, and with you starting your own life, there's no reason for us to stay together. I was driving her mad, anyway. She'll be better off without me." He stopped to coo softly to Sweetheart, petting her gently.

"So you don't love Mum?"

"No."

"And she doesn't love you."

"No." He looked at me from the corner of his eye. "I'm sorry this is so abrupt." Well, come to think of it, there were signs. But they were so subtle! Well, not really, but I attributed it to my father's eccentricity. Alright, so there were many, unsubtle signs. That I should have picked up on, but didn't. And that "people grow apart" speech Mum tried to give me should have been a clue.

"But why didn't you tell me sooner!? How long have you been divorced!?"

"Only for about a month, although it did take a while to get the possession lists straight and all. Plus we were separated, first." I glared at him. "I'm sorry! We just... Didn't know how to tell you, is all."

"..." I paused for a moment to suppress my rage. "...So."

"So." Silence. "I could use a place to stay. Got any recommendations?" I looked over to Severus, who was still standing by the entrance to the kitchen and glaring reproachfully at Dad, giving him a pleading expression. He scowled for a bit, then sighed.

"Fine," he muttered, approaching the table and sitting with us. "Stay here."

"I'd be a burden," Dad protested, though he had obviously been meaning to ask.

"Shut up," Severus growled. "I'm not daft like you are, Nathanyel; you came with your luggage. You were obviously planning to weasel your way into it, anyway." Dad shrugged a shoulder. "Speaking of weasels," Severus growled, "aren't those friends of yours arriving next week?" Wow, I'd completely forgotten.

"Yes. I'd forgotten."

"Visitors?" Dad smiled. "Marvelous!" He then leaned down, opened his briefcase, and pulled out some brightly colored paper. Severus discreetly rolled his eyes at me and stood, making his way around the kitchen.

"Are you hungry, Nathanyel?" he asked, though he sounded as if he didn't care.

"No, I had a chocolate chicken sandwich for breakfast."

"Thirsty?"

"I'll take anything sweet. Butterbeer, if you have it." It was sort of funny to see; my father had only been present for a few minutes and he was already making himself at home. But then, he'd probably been here tons of times.

Severus set a bottle of butterbeer on the table in front of Dad as he busied himself with his origami, then poured himself a glass of water. There were a few minutes of silence before it was broken by... Dad. "A swan, for my beautiful daughter." He handed me a swan. "And for you, Severus..." He held out a little cup, smiling innocently. "A shot glass."

"Ha. Ha. Ha," he replied sarcastically, snatching the cup away.

"And for me... A peenie!!" He held up a red... Penis.

"Augh, Dad!" I groaned.

"Heehee, peenie!"

"Change the subject!!!"

"Alright. Umm... So... Who's up for some exploding snap?"

"Shut up," Severus snapped. "Being in the same room with one of you is irritating enough... Both of you is like... Like putting a Chihuahua in a blender!"

"Oooh, nice one," Dad complimented. Severus just glared.

It struck me as strange that my father was so comfortable with the living situation. "Fine. Shut up, and I'll show you your room," Severus grumbled. Dad nodded, then followed him out of the kitchen... On his hands. Sweetheart flew after them, and I was left alone. I used the valuable time to clean up after myself and continue reading the Daily Prophet, hoping to find an add for something that would give me some temporary source of money until September. Nothing.

So I screamed.

Very loudly.

---------------

"Is she alright?" I shrugged; it wasn't as if I even cared.

"Probably not."

"Oh, dear." Nathanyel wrung his hands, looking a bit worried.

"What are you so worked up for? She'll get over it." He glared at me, and so did that stupid bird with him.

"She's my daughter. I'm worried." I only rolled my eyes in exasperation.

"Then find some way to cheer her up." He stared pointedly at me. "Other than sex."

"Well, I can't help it if my child is a nymphomaniac," he sniffed.

"It's all in the genes," I grumbled.

"Probably." I gave him the guest room furthest away from my room, which actually had a rather nice view. "Wow. This is a really shit room."

"Shut up. You've got magic, don't you?"

"You know my wandwork is crap."

"I don't care!"

"Can't I just have a different room?"

"No! I don't want you invading my privacy!"

"Bow chicka bow wow!"

"Shut up!"

"Baboom chicka boom chicka-"

"Ahem." We both turned around to see... Potter. "Er... Nadia said the two of you were upstairs. I just followed the sound of arguing."

"Hullo, Harry."

"Get out of my house."

"But-"

"Out." I pointed to the window. "And I don't want you soiling my doorknobs with your dirty hands. You are to jump through the window."

"But... This is the third story," the brat protested.

"I am well aware of that." Honestly, why else would I want him to jump out the window? Gryffindors are so thick.

"Severus, I invited him to come." I glared at Nathanyel.

"Why? I don't want it in my home!"

"I never said I invited him here." It took me a moment to absorb the statement.

"You are disgusting! Get your perverted arse and its playmate out of here!"

"I'll have you know that I'm the top."

"Augh!"

"Er... I'm still here," Potter stated uselessly.

"And you're looking gorgeous, by the way," Nathanyel leered.

"You are the most nauseating person on the face of the planet," I grumbled.

"May we have some privacy?"

"No!"

"But-"

"You're not having sex in my house!"

"I never said we were going to have sex."

"I know you were!"

"...Well... Maybe."

"That's it. We're going back downstairs. I don't want you anywhere near a bed."

"I need to talk to him alone," Potter spoke up.

"Fine! I don't care! Just do it downstairs!"

"Yeah, let's go do it downstairs," Nathanyel sniggered.

Fifteen minutes later, I found myself sitting alone in the kitchen, sipping tea and hoping that nothing unwanted was occurring within my home. Unfortunately, knowing Nathanyel, it was most likely in vain. However, I was momentarily reassured by his sudden appearance; it didn't last long.

"Nathanyel..." I was feeling extremely apprehensive. "What is that?"

"Oh, this?" He glanced at the cup of what looked to be tea in his hand. "Love potion."

"Why?" He winked.

"It's a secret." I would have told him how much of an idiot he was, but I was interrupted by that utter twit, Potter.

"Boy, am I thirsty. Thanks, Nathanyel!" And then he drank the love potion.

"YOU ARE A MORON!!" That was me.

"Huh?" He stared at me, his mouth hanging open like some sort of mentally challenged fish. "Severus," he purred. "I never noticed before... But you are absolutely gorgeous." Nathanyel slapped a hand over his mouth and started shaking, turning red from the effort of holding back laughter.

"Get away from me!" And suddenly I was being molested by Potter.

"I need you!"

"ACK!!! GET IT OFF!!!" Nathanyel just laughed at my plight. How cruel! "ARGH!!" The little git was licking me! Luckily, I managed to get to my wand before he did any lasting damage. "Petrificus totalis!" Potter fell to the floor with a loud thud, while Nathanyel continued to guffaw. That idiot. "You. Are. An. Arse!" Unfortunately, he didn't sit still long enough for me to kick him. Too bad, really.

"Oh, come on," Nathanyel sniggered, "it was funny."

"No it wasn't!" Seriously. It wasn't.

"This is my impression of you: I AM OVERCOME BY UNSPEAKABLE RAGE."

"Shut up!"

"I AM CONSTANTLY ENRAGED."

"I said shut it!"

"I AM INSANE WITH ANGER FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON."

"YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!"

"Alright, alright," Nathanyel conceded, breathless from laughter, "let's just take him out for some fresh air. It should help."

"..." I was ready to explode with rage. I sincerely was. "...Whatever." We walked outside, Nathanyel supporting Potter's rigid weight.

"Good morrow, neighbors!" We all stared wordlessly as a man with a dramatically curled handlebar mustache rode by on an old-fashioned bicycle; you know, the kind with the huge front wheel.

"...Merlin, I'm just going to take my wand to him some day," I growled, watching him go. That creepy man rides by here all the time, and just looking at him pisses me off.

"I do admit that I found that a little strange, even for my tastes." With a grunt, Nathanyel propped Potter against the side of the house.

"How strong was that potion, anyway?" Looking pensive, Nathanyel reached back and patted Potter's crotch.

"Hmm... Pretty strong."

"You're a disgusting pedophilic pervert."

"Says the man sexing my daughter."

"That didn't even make sense."

"Maybe not grammatically, but I'm sure I got the point across."

"You're still a disgusting pervert."

"Yes, I suppose I am." He looked as though he was giving the matter serious consideration, then... "Well, seeing as you're in such a prudish mood, I think I'll escort Harry back to his place and take advantage of the situation. I'll be back for dinner, though." With that, he picked up the still immobile Potter and left.

I shudder to think of what he had in mind.

---------------

It was difficult to imagine my parents not together... I mean, I wasn't about to start crying over it, but... They could have said something earlier. Like before the divorce. But that's my parents for you. They always wait until they absolutely need to say something before they say it, no matter how important it may be. In fact, I'll bet that I'm still the only one in the family who knows about it.

Well, maybe Uncle Kristo knows, but he doesn't count. Dad tells him everything, for reasons I can't even fathom. He probably knows more about the wizarding world than I do, for Christ's sake. I should be used to Dad not telling me anything by now, though. It's just that... I thought that at least Mum would try to bring it up.

"What the hell is wrong with you now?" Severus sat down next to me, warily eyeing my typewriter. "That's not gay porn, is it?"

"No," I muttered. "It's at the romantic part."

"As if there's a difference." We sat in silence for a while, the giant grandfather clock in the corner of the study ticking loudly.

"...Did you know?" I finally asked.

"Dammit! I knew this would come back to me."

"You knew? You knew, and you didn't say anything!?"

"It wasn't my place." I glared at him. "Well, would you have rather heard it from me?" I hate it when he has a point. "I told him to say something, but he never listens to me."

"That's because you're an old biddy."

"I don't want to hear it from you, you damned diet nazi!"

"Fine, fine. So, what are we having for dinner?"

"I don't know."

"You'd better decide soon, it's getting late." I smirked smugly as he gritted his teeth.

"Fine. I suppose it's just the incomparable grief talking."

"More like the biting hunger."

"You're lucky I put up with you," he grumbled mutinously, getting up and heading for the kitchen.

He's right, of course. I really am lucky.