A Sojourn with Severus Snape

Chapter 2: I Don't Have to Like You to Shag You

Love is blind. It sits on the street and begs you for change, and eventually you give in. Then you end up broke and full of herpes.

I've always dreamed of waking up peacefully in bed with Severus Snape sound asleep beside me, warm sunlight filtering through the window... However, apparently dreams aren't meant to come true. "Ouch!" I woke up to something tapping me. Hard.

It was Sevums. Obviously, he didn't enjoy being under the influence of the silencing spell, and wanted it removed immediately. Rolling my eyes, I grabbed my wand and lifted the charm. He glared at me. "I hate you."

"You too, love," I yawned, rolling onto my side. I knew I wouldn't be getting back to sleep any time soon. "So... What now? Was this just... One night stand? Or what?" He stretched, looking... Just sexy.

"I've got some chores to run today, so since I doubt you'll find that very riveting, I suggest you spend the day packing your things." I was... Stunned. Shocked. Orgasming.

"I'm moving in with you, then?"

"For the summer."

"...You're so sexy." And I actually said it aloud! Yay!

"Apparently so."

"Alright." We just lay there for a while. "...I'm going to suck your nipples now."

"Knock yourself out." So I did.

"Okay, I'm done now. I need to pee."

"That was rather bland." I shrugged and went to pee. And then he walked in and brushed his teeth while I was peeing and stuff. And we shared the sink. I felt kind of like a couple.

"Oh, fucker."

"What?"

"I just realized that I'm getting my period in just over a week."

"I don't mind." He grabbed an elastic band from the medicine cabinet and pulled his hair back, yawning.

"Sun kissed chocolate nipples."

"Please. Don't use that phrase in my presence." He leaned over and kissed me, then left the bathroom. It felt like such a dream. So I washed up and emerged feeling refreshed, and very naked. Mostly because he was dressed by then.

"Are you sure you don't want to come back with me?"

"There is no way in hell. I hate your mother." He leaned down to tie his shoes.

"Oh, come on. I'm sure you're just exaggerating."

"Hmmm... No. She's a raging beast. I'm not sure I could stand spending five minutes in her presence without tearing her hair out."

"Fine. I guess the sooner the better, then. Are there apparition wards around the house?"

"Yes."

"Alright." I ran and jumped in his lap, then shoved my tongue down his throat. I enjoyed it very much. "And I need to use your clothing. Mostly because I have none."

"There are shirts and trousers in the chest of drawers. I trust you haven't managed to lose your underwear?"

"I'll find it." True to my word, I found it. When I was dressed, I kissed him goodbye and left, apparating back to my house. I was aiming for my room, but I ended up in the backyard. Oh well. I guess I need more practice. So, I entered the house... To see my parents eating breakfast. Well, my dad was eating breakfast. My mum was having a nervous breakdown.

"Nadia!" she cried, running over to me and pulling me into a hug. "Where were you!?"

"I told you already," Dad sighed, "she was at her lover's house all night."

"Nathanyel! This is no joking matter!" I rolled my eyes.

"He's right, mum. I'm moving out."

"...You're what?"

"Congratulations!" Dad exclaimed. "Didn't I tell you everything would work out fine?"

"Yes, Dad." He ran up and gave me a hug, as well. "Thanks."

"You're moving out?" Mum asked. "Just like that?"

"Mum, you know I've been meaning to find a place."

"I thought you'd give more notice!"

"Don't worry. After I'm settled in, I'll come visit."

"I don't want you moving in with some horny teenager!" She seemed upset, for some reason.

"Don't worry. I'm moving in with a horny adult. My former professor."

"WHAT!?"

"He's very responsible, he has a job, a big house-"

"And he's filthy rich," Dad added.

"Plus he's got a brain," I informed her. "And we have a lot more in common than you'd expect. Anyway, I've got to pack!"

"I'll help!" Dad said, following me to my room. Mum just sat down at the kitchen table and muttered to herself. And as soon as I closed the door-

"So what's the skinny?" I blinked.

"The skinny?"

"Was it good?" He winked.

"Oh, Dad, don't be gross! And yes, it was very good. If... Awkward. And I don't think he appreciated my little nickname for him." He raised an eyebrow. "Lovely Delicious the Sparkle Whore."

"Damn. You really are my daughter." He hugged me again. "Are you happy?"

"Delirious."

"I'm glad." He grinned.

"Why do you think he wants me to move in? I mean, it's happening so fast."

"Severus doesn't like to leave loose ends," Dad replied. "And he likes to move fast."

"Apparently." With Dad helping, packing was a lot easier, and faster. Not to mention fun. I've always thought we had a good relationship. When I was done, though... The room just looked so empty. And it hit me that I was leaving the nest. It was sad... And a little scary. But I was excited. I could hardly believe that it was actually happening. "I'll miss this house," I sighed.

"I'll miss you," Dad replied. "You've really grown up." He pulled me into another hug. "I'm happy for you, dearest."

"Thanks. Er... Dad?"

"Hm?"

"Could you help me... Get settled in? I mean... That is I'm sort of..."

"Lost?"

"Yes." I took some time out to hug him... Again.

"It's like only yesterday you were just learning to ride a bicycle... Now you're moving out..." There was an ominous sniff.

"Don't you dare."

"I won't. Promise." After Dad calmed down, we left.

We arrived at "Snape Manor" (teehee) in a timely fashion, carrying my belongings along with us. The house looked a lot bigger than it did before. "Wow." Dad leaned toward me.

"Home," he muttered in my ear. Home? For the summer, at least. It was... Weird. Like a really demented fantasy come true.

"This is getting really creepy. Let's just go inside."

"Fine, lead the way."

"I will." And I walked inside. "...Er..."

"You don't know where to go, do you?"

"Shut up."

"Let's go," he sighed, stepping in front of me to lead me to... Wherever. "This is the guest room." It was across the hall from... Severus' (squee!) room.

"Wait... Why the guest room?"

"Because you are a guest. Besides, have you heard him snore?" I laughed.

"Alright... Then I get to redecorate it." Dad shrugged as he led me into the dimly lit room.

"You'll have to take that up with Sevviepoo." I snorted.

"Like he could stop me." Dad only smiled at me and started unpacking.

"Right. Well, what are you planning to do tod- Are those my knickers?"

"...Gross. Take them."

"Hmph." He shoved them in his pocket. "Apparently, they weren't so gross when you packed them in your trunk."

"Well, I wasn't looking! Mum must have put them in my drawer because she thought they were mine."

"Tch." We both spun around to see Severus (heehee!) standing in the doorway.

"What are you doing back so early?" I asked.

"Watching you berate you father for wearing women's underclothes. and picking up my shopping list." He held up a slip of paper.

"Everybody hates me because I like pretty knickers," Dad muttered sullenly.

"Yup," I agreed. "So where are you going?"

"The apothecary and the bakery."

"...Excuse me?"

"He said he was going to the bakery like a sissy girl," Dad clarified.

"The bakery?"

"Don't criticize me." With that, he turned on his heel and left.

"He is such a Draco," I sighed.

"I know... Do you actually wear this thing?" Dad was holding up my fancy red thong.

"Yes!" I snatched it away from him. "And you can't have it!" He pouted. You know, sometimes it actually scares me, how well I know my Dad. And how comfortable I am with that.

"Guess what."

"What?" I hauled my typewriter out of the trunk.

"I got a raise." And dropped it.

"What?"

"I know, surprising. And guess why."

"Why?"

"No more Fudge!"

"No way!"

"Yes way!"

"You go girl!"

"Alright, I've had enough." He started putting my robes in the wardrobe against the wall.

"So..." What to talk about? "How's Draco?" He paused.

"What?"

"I'm just asking after Draco; I know you work with him. Is he still with that boyfriend of his?"

"Oh. Yes, he is." I couldn't see his face, but he sounded weird. He was probably just uncomfortable with the subject.

"So he's talked to you about it?"

"Er... Yes."

"Have they had sex yet?"

"...Yes."

"I knew it!" He let out a long sigh.

"You shouldn't be such a busybody," he half-scolded. Only half, of course.

"Oh, right, coming from you."

"Hmph."

"So is it Harry?" Dad shook his head.

"You won't get anything out of me."

"It is!"

"No, it isn't," he replied steadily.

"Do you know who it is, then?"

"If Draco wanted you to know who he was seeing he would tell you."

"That's no fun." I frowned.

"Maybe he'll tell you about his new fuck buddy if you tell him about yours." He finally turned around and winked at me.

"You're too gross for words."

"I know, isn't it fabulous?"

"No." I grimaced.

Once we'd finished unpacking my things and putting them away, Dad led me on a tour of the manor. It was... Interesting. Dad's commentary consisted of things like, "This is where one of the maids went insane, stripped, and jumped out the window- can't imagine why, though. She never seemed to like me." And "This is the room Sev's parents were murdered in. Luckily, it isn't haunted." Well, that was one of the many things I learned about my new sparkle whore's past during the tour. Including exactly where he'd masturbated for the first time at the ripe old age of ten. Which was in his mother's garden, and it wasn't exactly a thought that put me at ease. Especially since it was in the front yard.

Although, I suppose that when you think about it childhood public masturbation isn't the worst thing he's ever done. I would actually think it was pretty damn funny if I'd been alive to witness it. Heehee, I get the giggles just thinking about it. Oh, that is such good ammunition.

After the fun, yet disturbing tour of the manor, Dad and I settled down for some relaxation in the study. It was nice to have some time to just sit and gloat over my victory. Heheh. Severus Snape, you are mine! Mwahahahaha! Ahem...

"So... How do you feel?" Dad grinned at me as he poured himself some brandy from the wet bar.

"I feel very... Smug." He chuckled.

"Smug, eh?"

"Oh, yes." He only shook his head. Eventually, Severus returned, grimacing. "I hate chores." I raised my eyebrows. "That crazy old woman in the robe shop was hitting on me again!" Dad and I snorted with laughter at exactly the same time. "It's not funny."

"It most certainly is," I protested.

"Hmph. In any case... Get out."

"Both of us?"

"Just Nathanyel." Dad gave me a sly look, then headed out.

"You two have fun, now," he called as he walked away. Severus looked relieved.

"Thank Merlin. Alright, let's have sex."

And... That was the basic gist of things. For about four days. Sex, sex, sex, sex, and... Sex. I must say, it was an awfully nice change of pace.

Then, disaster struck. We were having a quiet lunch at home, after lots of sex (of course) when I thought I'd start a conversation. Not a good idea, apparently.

"So..." I leaned on the table and smiled at him. Severus paused, his fork halfway to his mouth, and glared at me.

"What?"

"Does this mean that you're madly in love with me?" He snorted derisively.

"No."

"But you liiiike me," I taunted happily.

"Not particularly, no."

"Heh, nice one."

"Yes, it would be funny, wouldn't it? I'll remember that." He turned back to his food.

"Don't drag it out now."

"What do you mean?" I started glaring. "I believe in honesty in a relationship. And I can't honestly say that I like you. Sorry." My thoughts at that moment were roughly along the lines of... WHAT THE FUCK!?

"You don't like me!?" He looked pensive for a moment, then nodded. "But then- why would you- this!"

"I wanted some company. When you arrived, I was horny, so I thought, 'Why not?' And I decided to let you stay here because... Well, it's awfully hard to keep up with the cleaning around here, you know."

"So I'm your maid."

"No. You're my trophy girl. Don't worry, it's fun."

"I'm your trophy and you don't like me," I repeated blankly.

"Well, I don't exactly dislike you, not anymore, at least. I mean... Sex tends to sway one's opinion. In any case, I can stand your company, it gets lonely here, and you were available. Not to mention it would be useful for you to stay for other reasons... Such as being seen with me, and thus repelling the advances of the old woman in the robe shop near the Hog's Head. All are very good foundations for a relationship. And you don't need any foundations for a physical relationship, anyway, so it's not as if we can't have sex if you like. Are you following all this? You look rather blank."

"I am so enraged that I have gone completely numb," I replied monotonously.

"Perhaps you should sleep it off." He took a sip of wine from his goblet.

"I refuse to believe this. I refuse to believe that you only keep me around for sex and old lady repellant." He shrugged.

"Go ahead, then."

"You're disgusting!"

"I've heard it all before."

"You just want sex!"

"No, that's not it." I paused, blinking. "If I'd only wanted sex, I wouldn't have gone through all the trouble of bringing you over here and putting up with you; I'd have simply paid for it." I stared at him. "What? So prostitution's illegal now?"

"Yes!!"

"Oh. Well... Too late to follow that law, then. Are you going to eat your potatoes?"

"ARGH!"

"I'll take that as a no." And he took my potatoes, as well.

"You are despicable!"

"Oh, spare me. You've come across much worse than pro-prostitution, potato-loving potions masters, I'm sure."

"I'm going to go far, far away, now. And I don't plan on coming back."

"Alright. When you do, though, could you bring back some more milk? We're running low."

"AUGH!!"

"Goodbye to you, too, then. See you tomorrow."

"GGRRRARRH!" And then I left, and slammed the door.

I went to my parents' house. It's not my house anymore, just my parents' house. And that was where I chose to go because... Well, where else would I go? Besides, Dad was sure to have some good advice for me. I hopes.

"Hello? Mum? Dad?" It was completely deserted. And by completely deserted I mean that Uncle Kristo was in the kitchen talking to Draco about sexual lubricant. Eww. Suppressing a shudder, I joined them. "Where are Mum and Dad?"

"They went out," Uncle Kristo replied shiftily.

"You mean... Together?"

"Yes." I stared at him.

"So, Nadia," Draco suddenly interrupted the stunned silence. "What type of lubricant does Snape like?" In short, Draco had my ring imprinted on his face. "Dyke."

"Cock pirate." Uncle Kristo laughed. Draco glared at him.

"It's funny because it's true," Uncle Kristo sighed. He had a point with that.

"So... How did you meet?"

"We were both here looking for Nathanyel."

"In vain," Draco added.

"So we stole their food."

"And peed in the sink."

"No you didn't," I grumbled.

"You never know," Uncle Kristo sniffed.

"Pff." I grabbed myself a glass of water and sat down to wait. Draco and Uncle Kristo returned to their conversation about sexual lubricant while I mulled over the fact that the man I was currently having sex with didn't even really like me.

"Why are you here, anyway?" Draco asked, pausing the lubricant discussion to raise an eyebrow at me.

"I suppose I had a fight with Poopy McShitterpants."

"Let me guess... He doesn't like you."

"How did you know that?"

"He doesn't like anyone."

"Well... That's true."

"I say," Uncle Kristo interjected, "if the sex is alright, then who cares?"

"You are an ass," I growled.

"Seriously, though," Draco added,"isn't the sex all that matters?"

"No." He blinked.

"Are you sure?"

"Just because you're a shallow bastard, it doesn't mean that the rest of us are."

"Oh? And what makes you so sure?" I ignored him.

"Listen," Uncle Kristo prompted. "Here's an idea one of the youth ministers had, to make you feel a bit more calm. Make a list of all the thing you hate that have nothing to do with Severus, then make a list of all the things you like about him."

"And what is that supposed to do?" He shrugged.

"No idea. Personally, I think it's stupid. But at least it's something to pass the time with." I sighed.

"Alright. I guess I'll go do that, then." After all, I didn't want to hear my Uncle talking about warming lubricant, even if I was sort of used to it by then.

Alright, so... Things I hate.

-When your underwear stick out the back of your jeans.

-Waiting on very long lines.

-People who go far too fast on residential roads and far too slow on the highway.

-Girls with breast implants. Especially when they pretend it's natural.

-Small, cute, furry woodland creatures. They're all just disease ridden little rats.

-Bible beaters. You know, those born again Christian idiots.

-Hypocrites. Not hypocrites with little things, because then everyone is a hypocrite. Just hypocrites with big things.

-People who are homophobic simply because they're closet homosexuals. Oh, wait, I'm not supposed to be putting things about Severus on this list.

Okay, since he came up I might as well move on. Alright, think... What do I like about Severus? Hmm...

-His butt. Alright, maybe I'm concentrating on the wrong area.

-...The shape of his butt. Okay, I need to stop and think of something else.

-The feel of his butt. Whew. I need to think some more.

-...Alright, I'm ready. His eyes. That's romantic, right? Eh... Alright, I've got something good.

...

...

...

...One moment.

...

-His sense of humor! That's a good one, yeah.

-That little tick in his jaw.

-His taste in books.

-His funny underwear that he says were gifts.

-He's smart, I like that.

-He has... Er... A penis. That's always a plus.

-The fact that Greek food makes him docile. Especially since it's the only type of food I know how to cook.

-That face he makes when I do something stupid, like turning his socks into puppets.

-When he smiles and pretends he's really just smirking.

-When he laughs while I... Well, I don't think I should write that down.

Okay, I think that's enough. In my opinion, this is a pretty sufficient list, despite the fact that a large portion of it involves his butt. I mean... That is one glorious bootay. Anyway, once I completed my wonderful list, I took a nap. After that, I decided to hang out in Dad's study. It's usually off-limits, but he wasn't home, so... I didn't care. Hee.

After a while, Dad came home. Through the floo. Which the fireplace in the study is connected to. Uh oh. "Nadia? What are you doing here?"

"Had a fight with Severus," I answered, pouting.

"What about?" Groaning, he sank into the armchair next to me and dropped his perpetually present briefcase on the floor.

"He said he doesn't like me."

"Oh." He raised his eyebrows. "Well, he doesn't like anyone." I pouted some more. "He didn't even like me when we were first friends."

"Somehow I don't find that surprising."

"Ohoho. Don't be a brat." I stuck my tongue out at him. "Come have some coffee with me. I need it." With another groan he stood up and headed out. Yum, coffee. And I was still pouty over Sevums, so it was a good pick-me-up. Especially when Dad made mocha. Yay!

"So how long were you working?"

"Just a few hours."

"Really? How many is a few?"

"Oh... Only eighteen."

"And then you went out with Mum?"

"Yup. Then back to work."

"So where's Mum?"

"Visiting your aunt Roula." He grimaced. "Her new boyfriend died today."

"How?"

"Heart attack. And trust me, you don't want to know the circumstances of that situation." Gross.

"I don't think we should continue this vein of conversation-"

"Neither do I." We sat in silence for a bit.

"So... Any ideas for my dilemma?"

"Do you really want my advice?" I nodded. "Alright, here it comes." Long, dramatic pause. "You shouldn't be so hard on Severus." I hesitated a moment, then gaped at Dad.

"You can't be serious." He just shook his head.

"Did you expect him to just proclaim his undying love? He isn't that easy to win over. You're lucky you've come this far." He sipped his chocolate soda. "My advice would be to just stay away for a bit, cool down, and think about the possibilities. Then, if you're really willing to, go back. And tell him your view on the whole situation."

"And if he doesn't listen?"

"Grab his penis." I stared. "Just kidding. You make him jealous."

"Like that would ever happen."

"Trust me. It's very easy." I raised my eyebrows. "You should have seen him when I met your mother. Practically snarling."

"Yes, but that's different. He actually liked you, then."

"He likes you. He just doesn't know it, yet."

"Right."

"Why don't you invite him over? A few days with Miriam and he'll be groveling at your feet." That was... Actually... A very good idea.

"Alright. You can invite him for me, then."

"What? Why me?"

"Because I know you'll probably go over there, anyway. And he has to stay at least two days. So there. Alright, I'm going to take a shower, so... Bye."

I like making Dad do things for me. It's a good thing I got my mum's controlling streak, that's for sure. So after I got out of the shower and got dressed, I found Remus watching television in the sitting room. For no apparent reason.

"...Pr... Remus?" He turned and blinked at me, then offered a welcoming smile.

"Hello, Nadia."

"What are you doing here?"

"Well, I just thought that I... I need the..."

"You're trying to seduce my dad, aren't you?" His eyes widened a bit.

"No, no! Of course not! I mean- Well, maybe just a little." Just then, Mum walked into the room.

"Oh, God, naked man." And then she turned around and walked out.

"...What?"

"It's a long story... Which involves me sans clothing... I'd rather not explain at the moment." I shrugged.

"Alright... But... Do you have pictures?"

"No."

"Goddammit!"

"Don't take the Goddamned Lord's name in vain!" Uncle Kristo was on his way out the door and he still caught that. Goddammit.

"You know, I think that's the only Commandment he even bothers with," Remus commented blithely.

"I know it's the only Commandment he bothers with," I replied. "And he still breaks it, anyway." Remus grinned.

"I suppose that's why I like him so much." And then he patted the couch. "Sit and watch with me, already. That hovering is making me nervous." So I sat down and watched The Nanny with him. That Fran Fine, always getting herself into trouble! Ha!

"I am not watching this utter shit." I looked up to see Severus standing over us with his arms crossed.

"Good," I replied. "Go make dinner." I made a gesture with my hand as if to wave him away.

"...You have got to be kidding."

"I'm not."

"I really do not like you. This is losing points, that's what this is... Should hex you right now... Make dinner, bah..." Which is what he grumbled as he slunk away to cook dinner.

"I thought you were fighting with him," Remus stated as we watched Mr. Sheffield chase Fran across the screen.

"Yes... But I'm hungry." I shrugged. "Someone has to make dinner."

"True. Hah! Take that, C.C.!" He likes Niles the butler.

Eventually, it was time for dinner. So Remus, Severus, Dad and I all sat down to have a nice family dinner. "Where's Mum?"

"Still out," Dad replied nonchalantly.

"She's out a lot lately," I sighed. Severus snorted. "Oh, and what did you make? Deep fried skunk shit?" He growled.

"Roast beef."

"You're not allowed to eat that," I replied. In response, he slapped a huge chunk of meat on his plate.

"With broccoli."

"You'll stink up the whole house tonight."

"And mashed potatoes."

"That's way too much butter, and too many carbohydrates. You can't eat that huge mound!"

"Watch me!"

"Ah, young love," Dad sighed.

"Yes," Remus agreed half-heartedly. "Very... Romantic."

"Hmph," Severus grumbled, eyeing Remus venomously.

"Is there any gravy?" Dad slid the gravy boat over to him, and Remus shuffled his chair a bit closer to reach it.

"Ahem!" Severus cleared his throat loudly and glared at Remus. Hm, wonder what that was all about?

"Sooooooooooooooo," Dad interjected by way of making peace. "...How about... That... Erm... Escaped hippopotamus?"

"There are no escaped hippopotami in the area," Severus snapped. "You made that up."

"No I didn't!" Severus glared. "...Alright, maybe I did. It was just a conversation piece."

"Well, while we're on that," I cut in serenely, before Severus could speak again, "why don't we discuss why Severus wants to live with someone he doesn't like?" Silence.

"Perhaps... I should... Leave..." Remus worked out, looking a bit put off.

"No, you can stay," I replied. "So, shall we?"

"Shut up," Severus growled.

"I'm sure he didn't mean it," Dad tried to convince me.

"Yes I did." I waited. "I don't hate you. You're alright, really. Sort of." Dad gave me a thumbs up while he wasn't looking. "...A little."

"So you do like me," I finally gleaned from the butchered sentence.

"No."

"Yes you do! You like me, you like me!"

"No I don't!"

"I'm gonna go tell the neighbors!" I jumped up from the table and skipped out the back door.

"No you're not! Get back here!" Dad and Remus just continued to eat. "Stop that!" I ran toward the gate, quite smug that I was much faster than him.

"You should have exercised more!" I taunted.

"Argh!" I slowed down so he could catch up, then looped around and slapped his bum. "Hey!"

"Come on, slowpoke!"

"I'll get you!" He seemed quite angry.

"Haha, you can't catch me!" I ran circles around him and spanked him whenever I passed around his back. Eventually, I let him catch me, since I wouldn't want him to burst a vessel or anything. He practically tackled me to the ground, and I landed in his lap.

"You are not saying anything to anyone," he panted. I laughed a bit.

"I know. I just wanted to get you alone."

"Why?" I kissed him.

"Because you liiiiiike me." He snorted.

"Believe what you wish."

"You look very out of breath. I think you might need some mouth to mouth." He didn't bother to protest; he knew how useless it was.

When we came back inside (Mrs. Watson had threatened to call the police on us for indecent exposure) Dad and Remus had already finished dinner, and were sitting together in the den. We caught Remus trying to do that old yawning and putting the arm around the shoulders trick. "Hey!" Severus snarled. Remus blushed and quickly withdrew his arm to his side.

"I don't see what the harm is," I muttered. He just scowled and stationed himself between Dad and Remus. I decided that since there was no more room on the couch, I would lay across their laps. After a round of "Oofs!" and one "Get off me!" from you know who, we were settled. Then, Dad did the unthinkable. The horrrrrrible. The AWFUL.

He put on the soap opera channel.

"NO!" Remus, Severus, and I all exclaimed at once.

"What?" He made an innocent face. "I need to watch my stories!"

"You can catch up next week," I snapped.

"But I want to find out if Brad is the father of Jennifer's freakishly deformed baby with the tail!"

"What do you think!? Brad has a tail! They made it into a major plot point!"

"You never know! That kind of thing is usually a recessive gene!"

"Turn it off!"

"Nooooo! Jennifer's baby!!!" I wrestled the television controller from his hands and changed the channel.

"Thank you," Severus sighed. Remus agreed.

"We're watching The Golden Girls," I proclaimed.

"Never mind."

"Hooray!" Remus exclaimed. "I love Sofia!" We high-fived each other and made fun of Dorothy through the whole episode.

"Dad is Rose," I sniggered.

"No I'm not," he pouted.

"And Remus is Blanche."

"Oh, come on."

"No, you are pretty easy," Severus argued.

"Severus is Dorothy," I replied, grinning.

"Oh, I am so not."

"And I am Sofia," I announced proudly. Everyone else grumbled.

"I hate this show," Severus muttered sullenly. By the end of the show, though, Severus was quoting Sofia and calling Remus a human mattress, so I could tell he liked it at least a little bit.

We stayed up longer for some dessert, then Remus had to get home for some rest, since he was going to go out looking for apartments the next day. Apparently he'd been kicked out of his flat because the landlord found out his little secret (and he also slept with her son) so he had to move within a month. Anyway, after Remus left, we all went to bed.

The next morning, Mum was out again, so it was just us three for breakfast. I yawned and shuffled into the kitchen. "What does the paper say?" I asked Dad, who was sitting at the table with Severus, sipping coffee.

"No paper today," he replied. I furrowed my brow.

"Why not?"

"Severus chased the paper boy off." I glared at Severus.

"Hey!" he protested. "The boy was attacking me! He was bombarding me with rolled up stacks of paper!" I rolled my eyes.

"That's his job." Severus crossed his arms and sniffed indignantly.

"Well, it's not very considerate."

"...Shut up and eat your breakfast."

"Fucking paper boy throwing fucking paper..." Which was basically the way the entire meal went. Afterwards, Mum came home.

"Argh," was all she said when she caught sight of Severus.

"Stupid bitch," Severus muttered after her when she walked off to use the bathroom. I hit him. "Ouch."

When Mum was done in the bathroom, we all went out together (because Severus should really learn to get along with Mum) to see a movie. There's really nothing to do around there but watch television and movies. Then, afterwards, Severus and Mum complained about it. "The performance was lacking," Mum criticized.

"And the plot was so unrealistic!" Severus groused. "I mean, aliens really existing but a secret organization covering everything up while they live among us? How absurd!" I decided not to say anything.

We basically shopped the rest of the day (which Severus hated, of course.) It was fun. But also rather disturbing, because... Dad... Bought a skirt. "No."

"What?" Dad held the skirt up to himself.

"You can not buy that."

"Why not? I'll wear it over trousers. It's high fashion in the wizarding world, you know."

"I don't care! It's still a skirt!"

"So? It's a nice skirt." Well... It was. It was knee-length and white with a sort of Japanese-looking pattern on it. "It's so me."

"And this is so embarrassing."

"Agreed," Severus muttered, following off to the shadows to hide from prying eyes.

Other than that, the day was pretty alright. Except for Severus and Mum fighting all the time. And every time Severus went to use the bathroom or walked out of earshot to look at something Mum called him an evil pedophile. I stood up for him, of course, but that was after I finished laughing.

We didn't get back until dinner time, at which point Mum went off on a tangent about how glad she was that she left the roast in the oven at a low temperature so it would cook slowly and yadda-yadda. But even though dinner was "ready" we still had to wait half an hour to eat. Which we spent sitting at the table because Mum wouldn't let us leave. Finally, dinner actually was ready.

"Alright, let's dig in, then," Mum said cheerfully. We all started eating... All except Dad. He was merely staring down at his food, as if there was a message in it he was trying to read. I glanced at Severus, who had noticed his strange behavior as well. After a few moments, Dad pushed his plate away and stood up.

"I'm not eating this," he said bluntly.

"Nathanyel!" my mother reprimanded. "Sit down and eat! There's nothing wrong with it!" Dad ignored her and swept out of the room, Sweetheart flying out after him. Mum sighed, shaking her head, then walked over to Dad's place and grabbed his food. "The way he acts, you'd think I was trying to poison him!" As she scraped the food into the garbage, I caught a glimpse of some sort of pill.

"What's that?" I asked cautiously.

"It's just some medicine. I don't even know how he knew it was in there!"

"He's a Slytherin," Severus said quietly. "Slytherins are always on their guard."

"Slither what?" Mum was obviously clueless. Anything Dad had told her about Hogwarts, she'd probably thought was just the ranting of a madman.

"It's a Hogwarts house," Severus informed her, sounding slightly disgusted at her ignorance. Or perhaps merely at her existence. After all, from the moment we'd arrived he hadn't seemed to like her at all.

"A what, now?" she asked faintly. "Oh! You mean that- that place Nathanyel sent Nadia." She wrinkled her nose. Uh oh. I sensed a confrontation coming on. I could see a muscle ticking in Severus' jaw as he tightly clenched his teeth. "Really, on September first he kidnapped her! I had her all set to go to a real school and he just swept her off to learn magic tricks!" Please, God, just grant me this one favor...

"Hogwarts is a real school," Severus said silkily, his voice dangerously quiet. That was the voice that usually set off blaring alarms in the head of every residence at Hogwarts.

"Oh, don't be ridiculous," Mum scoffed, searching the kitchen for something she didn't seem able to find. "You people just don't understand these things, no offense meant, what with not having a proper education." The table creaked ominously and I looked down to see that Severus was gripping it so tightly that his knuckles were bone white. "I don't even know why you went along with it, Nadia," she continued, oblivious. "I mean, you're a smart girl. You could have had a good career, a good life, if you'd gotten a real education." I saw Severus going for his wand, but quickly grabbed his wrist and shot him a pleading look. Reluctantly, he returned to gripping the table and grinding his teeth. "I'm really so disappointed, Nadia. Now what are you going to do? How are you going to get a job, support yourself? All you know is a bunch of silly magic tricks, you can't possibly-" She was cut off by the loud scraping of a chair as Severus jerkily stood from the table, his fists literally shaking in rage as he clenched them tightly. "Oh, what's wrong?" To make matters worse, Mum seemed irritated.

"I'm suddenly feeling ill," Severus growled through clenched teeth. "If you don't mind, I think I need some fresh air." Without waiting for an answer, he swept out of the room. I heard the screen door swing open as he exited the house, then leaned over and put my face in my hands, rubbing my eyes and groaning. What a way to start off our visit.

"Don't see what could be wrong with him," Mum said, looking put off. "Oh- maybe it's that magic. Does that often happen to those people, Nadia?" I really wanted to pull my own wand out and curse her right then. However, I was distracted by the sudden, distant scream, emanating from outside the house. It was wordless, but filled with pent up rage and frustration... And it was Severus' voice. "That's not that pedophile, is it?"

"Mum!"

"I tell you, Nadia, there's something off about the whole lot of them! I wish you hadn't gotten mixed up in all this, I really do." I was unable to take it anymore; I slammed my hands on the table and stood up.

"That's enough, mother!" I exclaimed. She blinked.

"Well, you can't blame me-"

"Yes I can!" I cut in, heading for the front door. "I think I need a good scream, myself." I stormed out of the house and practically ran across the lawn and down the street, where I could see two figures standing at the corner. I immediately recognized them as Severus and Dad (sans Sweetheart) and as I approached, I could hear them talking.

"...Really have no idea how you can stand the woman," Severus was saying, a fair amount of animosity in his voice.

"She can get a little... Unbearable, at times," Dad agreed.

"I wish I had hexed her right there!" Severus growled, clenching his fists. "The nerve! The absolute gall of her, saying those- those things!" I cleared my throat and they both spun around, reaching for their wands, but stopped when they recognized me. Dad's expression immediately softened.

"Nadia," he breathed, smiling. "How are you, love?"

"I'm fine," I replied. Severus raised an eyebrow and Dad crossed his arms. "Alright, so I'm not fine. It's just- Mum can be so ignorant about magic! It's so frustrating!" Dad sighed.

"I know, I know. It's just the way she was brought up."

"And that she's a bloodsucking bitch," Severus muttered.

"Severus!" I exclaimed. "She's still my mother!"

"Yes, well... I hate your mother," he replied. I just made a dismissive gesture with my hand, snorting.

"Oh, you hate everyone." Severus scowled.

"It's true," Dad agreed.

"Just shut it, the both of you," he grumbled, crossing his arms grumpily. However, I could see the edge of his mouth twitching slightly. I leaned up and kissed that little twitching corner, satisfied to see it curl up and stay that way in response to the gesture.

"I don't care if my mother thinks you're an evil, uneducated pedophile," I replied. "Because I know that you're not uneducated, and you're certainly not a pedophile." There was a long pause.

"You forgot evil."

"No I didn't." Dad burst into laughter, picking up on the joke, while Severus merely grunted, shaking his head. There was another pause before Severus addressed me again.

"She called me a pedophile?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Yes," I replied. "Many times."

"I'll kill her." Dad immediately grabbed his arm.

"Hold up, hold up!" he said, yanking him back. "I don't want you going off to Azkaban now, Sev. You still owe me a grandson." Severus just grumbled something, while I gaped at my father. He wanted grandchildren? Already?!?

"Dad!" I exclaimed. "You can't be serious! Already?"

"No, no," he replied, shaking his head. "Maybe in a few years. Whenever you're ready for children, you know." Severus grumbled something else. "Though I'm sure you've had plenty of practice in making them by now." He elbowed Severus playfully.

"DAD!!"

"NATHANYEL!!"

"That just proves I'm right. Though, what else could you possibly be doing, living together and all?" Severus was flushed a deep red, and I'm sure I looked the same way.

"Doesn't it bother you to be saying these things about your own daughter?" Severus asked, sounding rather flustered. Dad seemed to be thinking for a moment.

"No," he answered bluntly after a few moments. "I have faint memories of doing them myself, sometime long ago... They're so distant, though... So fuzzy..."

"Dad, you're banned from speaking. Ever." He only chuckled a bit.

"I was just kidding, anyway. I had sex yesterday morning, actually."

"EWWW!!!"

"Yes, that is rather arousing, isn't it?" Severus hit him for me.

After that, we all meandered back inside, and forgave Mum (except for Severus, but it's not like she cared anyway.) Then we watched a movie together (I picked it out, heehee) and Severus and Mum both criticized the fact that it was Japanese animation. Really, it isn't that bad at all. I mean, come on. Anime.

Then it was bed time, boohoo. And Severus snuck into my room, heehee. So, we did the nasty. Hey, if the entire basis of our relationship is sex, then we might as well, right? It was rather nice, except for when... Er... Dad walked in. Heh.

"Ohhh... Mmm... Severus... Oh, gods, yes..."

"I knew it!"

"AIEEE!" Severus rolled off the bed and onto the floor with a loud thump and a grunt, while I sat bolt upright and covered myself with sheets. "Dad!" Dad was laughing uproariously.

"Oh, the look on your face was priceless!" he chortled. "Especially you, Severus!" He made a stupid face and pretended to be falling over. "Whoa!"

"Get out!" Severus growled, chucking a slipper at him, hitting him square between the eyes. He only laughed harder as Severus climbed back into the bed so he could cover himself better and look for his missing... everything.

"What's going on in here?" Uh oh. That would be Mum. She paused next to Dad in the doorway, her eyes wide as saucers. Dad even had the good grace to stop laughing. Then, Mum let out an ear-splitting screech.

"PERVERT!" she shrieked. Severus looked genuinely frightened. "HOW DARE YOU?!? IN MY HOUSE!!! GET OUT OF HERE!!!" She ran screaming into the kitchen and returned not two seconds later brandishing a frying pan. With a gulp, Severus yanked his boxers out from beneath me, grabbed his wand, and promptly disapparated.

"Mum! You chased away my fiery Latino lover!"

"He isn't Latino!" she snapped. I just pouted. "And I forbid you to ever see him again!"

"Nice try," Dad muttered before stretching and wandering away. He was probably going to the study, which was probably where Severus would show up again to gripe to him about my mother. Wow, I guess I'm getting to know him better and better. Yay!

"If I ever see that man again, I'll kill him! How could you give up your Hummunah Hummunah to that horrible beast? AUGH!" Mum calls virginity "Hummunah Hummunah." I have no idea why.

"For your information, Severus was not my first." I crossed my arms. She screamed very loudly. "Oh, stop it. And let me get dressed!" I finally got some privacy, so I climbed out the window and went around to the back yard; I knew Mum would be waiting for me in the hallway. So, I played on the swing set.

Eventually, Dad showed up. That was pretty predictable. "Hey." He sat in the swing next to me. Damn him and his skinny butt!

"Hullo."

"Severus says he'll be back at the house, if you'd like to join him. I doubt he's going to come here any time soon after what just happened, so when you do go back (and I know you will) just bring his clothes with you." He winked. "So, was that as bad as the last time you were caught in the act?" He nudged me a bit.

Augh. I didn't even want to think of when Dad caught me with Blaise two years ago. That was a nightmare. It wasn't even in the act, though; it was the morning after. Still, imagine waking up to see your father looming menacingly over you and whoever might be in bed with you. Let's just say it wasn't my best moment. "You didn't catch me in the act."

"It was still very traumatizing for me," he sniffed. "And just think of how your mother must feel! I mean... It isn't exactly a pleasant thing to walk in on someone like that. It's the same for us as walking in on our parents, you know. Worse, actually."

"Fine. I'll apologize to Mum for not locking the door." Dad grinned.

"So has Severus warmed up to you yet?"

"A little bit. I mean... You saw..." I waggled my eyebrows.

"Yes, I did. And as happy as I am that you two have hit it off... Please lock the door in the future. I've seen Severus' sun kissed chocolate nipples plenty of times, but I'd rather yours stayed under wraps."

"Got it."

"Got what?" Severus had returned, presumably for his clothing and perhaps one last shred of dignity.

"Dad wants me to cover my nipples when we fuck," I replied.

"Sounds like a plan."

"I resent your contempt toward me and my wishes," Dad sniffed.

"Whatever."

"Anyway," I sighed, "do you think Mum's going to forgive us anytime soon?"

"Mmmm..." Dad looked thoughtful. "Nope."

"I'd better head home, then," Severus grumbled.

"I'll go, too."

"Alright, then."

"Alright." And he let me hold his hand.

* * *

Ahhhh!!!! That's the end of chapter 2. Yup. Next chapter, Nathanyel gets his groove on. Awww yeah. Well... You'll see what I mean. ;). Also, Severus and Nadia try to get along, the members of the SSS visit, and basic mayhem ensues. In the meantime... Poopies.