A Sojourn with Severus Snape

A Sojourn with Severus Snape

Chapter 1: The Victim

Love is never having to say you've got a headache.

SUMMER! Summer, summer, summer, finally! Summer means peace, quiet, serenity, solitude. Summer means not having to deal with snot-nosed little brats every day of the week! Summer means that I am rid of meddling, insufferable Ravenclaws! Summer!

Now that I've vented my relief... A moment to display my frustration.

Over the past few days, despite summer looming ever closer, I have gradually come to the conclusion that I am doomed. My life is coming to an end. And it's all his fault. That bastard. I'll kill him. I'll- I'll- I'LL RIP HIS NIPPLES OFF!! Well, maybe not something so extreme. But... You know.

The nerve of him, though! Prancing about with that goofy grin on his face... "Severus, what are you waiting for?" And "My little Sevvie-kins is all grown up!" I HATE HIM!! Life debt my fucking arse! Pardon my language. I usually never swear.

When I arrived home, I'd thought I would be able to have some peace. The girl had gotten her kiss, she was off home, and I was free. Then he came. Or, more like, was standing in the entrance hall as I walked in. "Hullo, Sev." I hate it when he's falsely pleasant like that.

"No." Then I made my way up the stairs.

"I haven't asked you for anything." Merlin, he was following me.

"Ask me, then."

"Severus, would you make wild, passionate love to me?" I turned to glare at him.

"Get out of my house."

"Oh, come on, Sev. You know-"

"Nathanyel! NO! I am not discussing this!"

"Alright... I'll help you unpack!" And he bounded up the stairs. Argh.

"We won't speak of Nadia," I warned. He opened his mouth to say something, but I silenced him. "Not a word." He shrugged, then bounded down the hallway to the bedroom. What did I do to deserve this? What? Well, aside from the murder, treachery, and prostitutes...

Unpacking with Nathanyel was far from pleasant. Well, it wasn't extremely horrible, but... "Heehee, nice undies." He held up my most embarrassing pair of pants (rainbows- they were a gift!) then pulled them on over his trousers.

"Take those off!"

"Oh, I feel so pretty!"

"Like yours are any better," I grumbled.

"Nope." He reached into his trousers and pulled out the edge of what looked like pink silk knickers. "But I'm not embarrassed." then he winked. "They make me feel sexy." See? I've always said he's an intolerable flirt.

"Fine, go ahead and feel sexy, but don't involve me."

"As if I would." He rolled his eyes.

"Arse."

"Cock lover."

"Barmy bastard."

"Fiery Latino lover."

"I am not Latino."

"Oh, I beg to differ, Alfonso." I growled at him.

"Enough! I need to unpack." He grinned at me.

"Unpack."

"For Merlin's sake, get your mind out of the gutter!"

"Speaking of gutters, I was in Draco's the other night-"

"Shut up!" I could feel my jaw twitching.

"Sorry... I just like to get you all flustered." He grinned sheepishly.

"As long as you don't mention Potter-"

"He's really come along with his blow jobs."

"You... Are... Disgusting. And why is everyone I know gay?"

"Harry isn't gay, he's bisexual. There's a difference."

"Yeah, wider selection."

"Eh. You know I don't care, either way." I glared at him.

"You're a pervert." He chuckled a bit.

"You'd better believe it."

"I don't want to hear about your gross love life, you pervy little wanker."

"What about you? Dating my daughter, now that's gross and pervy."

"I am NOT dating her! I've just barely gotten away from her!"

"But you're engaged."

"Because of YOU!!"

"...True." I wanted to punch him. In the boob.

"You're an idiot." But I settled for name-calling.

"You know I love you." He smiled warmly and patted my hand. "So I forgive you for your insolence."

"I hate you so much right now."

"Good. You're supposed to." He leaned over and nuzzled me under the chin like a cat. "Pet me."

"You're a weirdo." But I pet him, all the same. He'd whine if I didn't, and I've gotten used to it. "Grow up."

"I don't wanna grow up. I wanna be a Toys 'R Us kid."

"Just shut up and unpack."

"Heh... Unpack."

"Go!" I really can't stand him sometimes. But, of course, then he was acting like a wounded puppy for the next fifteen minutes straight; he is so unbearable. "Fine! We'll talk!"

"Really?"

"Yes." I really need to go shopping for new pants. "So how's the divorce coming along?"

"Rather more smoothly than I'd expected. Miriam's getting the house, of course. It's about time I found someplace new, anyway. Haven't told Nadia, yet, obviously... But there's plenty of time for that."

"Right. You're an arse." He shrugged. "And Jack the lawyer?"

"Jack-arse, you mean? Alright, I suppose. Miriam's been spoon-feeding her little pet some cock-and-bull story about the divorce being delayed and so-on. You know what? I think he's just dying for it. He wants my car, I can tell. I saw him eyeing her up, you know, and I won't stand for it! I swear, if she just tries to get ahold of-"

"Nathanyel. Shut up about your fucking car. I swear, one would think you had sex with the thing!"

"Maybe I do."

"...You're disgusting."

"Speaking of sex, Draco's been rather anxious, lately. I think he and Harry are trying to compete. It's rather sweet, once you get past the irritating bit."

"Didn't Draco leave Lupin for you?" He bit his lip. It was about time I retaliated.

"If I'd known..."

"Don't feel guilty," I interjected. "Lupin's got a boner for you, anyway."

"No he hasn't," Nathanyel argued, perfectly oblivious to his inaccuracy.

"Oh, yes he has," I argued. "He practically drools all over the front of his robes every time you walk in the room. It's actually rather revolting."

"Shut up, you know that's not true."

"It is so true." I love fighting with him over this. "If he had his way, he'd jump you and start humping away, the mutt."

"Don't insult him," Nathanyel scolded. "He's a very nice person, and you know it."

"I'll only admit that Lupin's a nice person when you admit that he wants to fuck your brains out."

"Severus," he warned.

"Stuff you like a Christmas turkey."

"Severus..."

"Go at it like rabbits- or wolves, in this case."

"That's enough! You know Remus doesn't want to shag me, so just stop it."

"Right, so I've just been telling you this for over twenty years because it turns me on."

"Quite frankly, I wouldn't be surprised." I paused to glare at him. "Now, drop the subject." Alright, new subject, then.

"...What does ghetto-fabulous mean?"

"...Pardon?"

"The students say it all the time, now." He raised his eyebrows, then started sniggering.

"Say it again!"

"Ghetto-fabulous."

"Heeheehee! Again!"

"I'm not saying it again!" He just kept laughing. Argh, irritating little bint.

"Fine, don't say it. I don't care. We can just discuss your pending relationship with-"

"GHETTO-FABULOUS!!!" I did not want to talk about that.

"So, anyway... When are you going to get it over with?"

"Soon."

"I'll be writing."

"I'm aware of that."

It was a few days later, and I was enjoying the first decent breakfast I'd had since my return home, when Nathanyel stormed into my kitchen, absolutely seething. I supposed that it was in response to the last letter I'd sent him. He had written, as promised, and I'd written back. Though, I didn't write very encouraging things. Nathanyel, meanwhile, had been encouraging me to invite Nadia over, maybe spend some time with her, possibly get married. Each time I responded with a letter full of excuses, but I suppose my latest reply had been the last straw. I stated within it that Nadia would probably end up hating me, anyway, and that besides the point, I didn't have time for such silly endeavors.

So, it was with a vengeance that he appeared in my kitchen that morning, which I usually took my meals in, since I saw no point in using the dining room when I lived alone. "SEVERUS ALFONSO SNAPE!!!" he bellowed, his tone beyond rage. I winced at the use of my abomination of a middle name. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!?" I flinched again; I didn't like it when Nathanyel swore like that, and it was not a good sign. With flashing eyes, tightly balled fists and a face that was tinged pink with anger, he indeed looked menacing, almost looming, despite the daisy chain that sat atop his head like a crown and the yellow pajamas with dancing pandas on them. He prowled forward to the table, and with one swipe cleared it of my breakfast, the dishes shattering on the floor as he slammed the letter down before me. I looked from his continually reddening face to the letter, then back again, slowly chewing the bit of egg that had been in my mouth when he'd apparated. Swallowing loudly, but still managing to look as calm as ever, I answered him.

"A letter." He narrowed his eyes at me.

"Don't play games with me," he said in a forcibly quieted voice, quavering with suppressed rage. "I've sold crack to twelve-year-olds, and I blatantly steal from the Minister of Magic himself. I am not one to play games with."

"I know these things, already," I replied. "But I can't quite understand what you're so angry about that you had to go and ruin my breakfast." A lesser man would have quelled under the furious look he gave me, but I stood my ground. Or, rather, sat my ground... Never mind.

"You... Nadia... No... Daisies..." he managed to work out between clenched teeth before he straightened himself, took a deep, calming breath, and fixed the daisy chain, which had been sliding off his head. "No more excuses, no more letters like- like that." He pointed an accusing finger at the letter before he continued. "I will not have you breaking my daughter's heart simply because you're afraid." I started to protest, but he interrupted me. "Shut it, bitch. You are afraid, though I can't imagine why. Just write a sodding letter to the girl and invite her over! Merlin's beard, you're such a bitter, cowardly bastard!"

"I am not a coward!" I interjected, standing up.

"Then prove it!" he shot back. "Take a chance for once in your miserable, withered love life and at least try to have a relationship! Good lord, I can't do everything for you!" I could have punched him out; it was he who had taken it upon himself to do everything in my love life for me. I'd never asked him for any of this!

"I can't," I replied, trying to express what was going through my mind. I failed, by the way. "I just... I can't." He sighed, his shoulders slumping as he looked at me with soft, pleading eyes. He hesitated a moment, then inclined his head a bit.

"Severus," he murmured in utter sincerity. "She loves you."

"No she doesn't," I snapped back. "She only thinks she does."

"She loves you." His tone was the same, though he was being rather insistent. "She's not herself without you. I don't know... I don't know what to do. I keep telling her it's alright, but she won't listen. She can't listen. All she can do is think of you, all the time." He suddenly narrowed his eyes at me. "And you're hurting her."

"Nathanyel, I don't mean to hurt her-"

"But you don't mean to make her any better, either!"

"How can I?" I threw my hands in the air. "You want me to just run off and marry the girl-"

"Not yet, no." I paused. What was this, now? "Just give it a chance. I know you're afraid. Just let her in. Try to feel something. Please. I'm begging you. As a friend."

"Nathanyel..." I rubbed my temples as a migraine started to develop. "...I do feel something." Like irritation. He looked at me as if I'd just told him Christmas was coming early.

"So you'll try?"

"I'll try." What am I getting myself into?

"That's..." He sighed, grinning. "That's wonderful." And then he hugged me. Well, that would be a bit of an understatement. More like he tackled me, hanging off of me like a hyperactive child, and placed his daisy chain atop my head.

"Alright, alright, get off of me. I've got things to do, you know."

"Ooh, really? Can I come?" I rolled my eyes.

"What about work? Aren't you supposed to be an obsessive workaholic?"

"Yes. But I could use a day off."

"Wonderful. Grocery shopping with a man in panda pajamas." Nathanyel just grinned.

"I'll borrow your clothes." And he was off upstairs, without even asking my permission. That busybody. And, of course, he came down in my oldest set of robes; it was the most lurid shade of lime green. Why do my relatives have such horrible taste? They always give bad gifts.

"Well, at least I don't need to worry about you ruining them."

"I've always loved this set. It's so... Muggle-ish."

"Sure. Whatever you say. May we go, now?"

"As you wish!" I really shouldn't feel so malicious towards him. But... The sheer absurdity of his presence is almost as blinding as the color of those robes. "Groceries, wheeeee!" Running down the road with his arms stretched out and making sounds along the lines of "vroooom!" People were staring, for Merlin's sake.

"Calm down!" I snapped. "You're like an over-excited child." Even when he was acting normal, he attracted stares with those horrid robes. We're lucky we got to the market without being stopped by some crazy old bag lady asking for change. Of course, the worst part of the day was actually getting to the market. Mostly because Lupin was there, apparently "scoping some booty," as Nathanyel would put it.

"Remus!" NO.

"Hm?" Lupin looked over at us and smiled. Ugh, I hate him. "Oh, hello."

"What are you doing here?"

"Nothing much, just practicing pick-up lines." Somebody kill him. Now.

"That's nice."

"Mhm. So, how's the wife?"

"Oh, you know, same as usual." Nathanyel shrugged. "Kicked me out of bed, so on."

"The only reason I would kick you out of bed would be to fuck you on the floor." Utter silence. "I'm kidding, of course!" Lupin laughed nervously.

"Er... Right." Nathanyel laughed a bit, too. "Practice, then?"

"...Yes."

"So, anything new?"

"Nothing much, I've just been looking for a new place. It's been a bit difficult, but... Well, you know." He shrugged. Right, the werewolf thing would probably inhibit any sort of transaction. "You and Severus must have been busy."

"Oh, yes," Nathanyel spoke up. "Severus and Nadia-" I stepped on his foot. Hard. "Ow! Well, the situation's under control." The conversation fell dead for a few moments, awkward silence dominating the scene. "So. We should make plans."

"Oh, yes, definitely." There was a short pause. "Would you like to have morning coffee with me?"

"Sure! I'll drop by around seven tomorrow, then?"

"Er... Right. Sure."

"Sounds lovely." Nathanyel beamed at him, obviously quite pleased with himself.

"Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?"

"No, I was smiling."

"Merlin, you're making this difficult."

"What? Maybe it's the robes, they're awfully bright."

"..."

"Oh, just say it," I muttered to Lupin.

"Anything would look good on you." We both waited with baited breath.

"Oh, thanks!" Nathanyel chirped. "Same to you!"

"...I give up. I really do."

"You should probably just go," I told him.

"I've got a lot of things to do today, anyway. I'll see you both later."

"Bye, Remus!" Nathanyel is far too cheerful, sometimes. A lot of the time. "It's always nice to talk to Remus," he sighed as we walked off. I rolled my eyes.

"He was hitting on you," I informed him.

"No he wasn't. Remus just likes to joke like that." He's got denial up the wazoo.

"Those pick-up lines were really lame, anyway."

"I know a good one that always works for me." I raised my eyebrows. "Chicks dig me. I wear colored underwear."

"That's idiotic. Oh, strawberries are half off!" I am not a mother.

"You're such a mother." I snorted. "Actually, you're more of a MILF."

"Oh, shut up." The bastard.

"Ooh, plantains! Let's make fried plantains, Severus!" He grabbed them without waiting for an answer.

"Those are expensive."

"Don't be so cheap." I rolled my eyes.

"Well, well, well! Severus, imagine seeing you here!" Merlin, first Lupin, now Albus. And Minerva, too. I should have expected them to be grocery shopping together.

"Hello, Albus. Minerva."

"Good day, Albus," Nathanyel greeted. "Looking fantastic, as always, Minerva." He wriggled his eyebrows growled at her. I backhanded him.

"Thank you, Severus." She eyed Nathanyel warily. "I'd stay away from the meat section, if I were you. Sibyl's over there, trying to use her 'inner eye' to foresee a discount on pork tenderloin."

"I'm reporting you to the Ministry for domestic violence," Nathanyel muttered, rubbing his head.

"Shut up before I beat you. Anyway, Albus, is there any particular reason for this encounter, or may we move on?"

"No, no, just wanted to say hello. Have a nice day, the both of you."

"Same," I muttered. "Nathanyel!" He was making eyes at Minerva again. And I think Albus, too. "Come!"

"Alright, bye then!" He followed me dutifully.

"Why the hell do you always hit on her?" I hissed. "Do you have an old person fetish or something?" He sniggered a bit.

"I just like the way it freaks her out. I think it's funny."

"You're so... Gross."

"Your arse looks sexy in those robes." I backhanded him again. "Christ, I complement you and I get a smack in the head. You'd think-"

"I sense an aura of danger drawing near!" Oh, no. Sybil Trelawny. Swooping up to us. "Severus, I feel the presence of the Grim lingering around you!" I was about to say something sarcastic to her, when Nathanyel suddenly made a choking sound and threw himself to the floor. He writhed about for a bit, making hideous faces, before lying still with his tongue hanging out. She glared at him a moment before snorting and dropping her fake mystical tone. "Oh, please. You always were an arsehole!" She kicked him once in the ribs before storming off.

"Thanks, Nathanyel," I sighed.

"Just taking one for the team," he groaned, standing up. "Damn, that woman can kick. She should get into football. Bend it like Beckham, eh?"

"I've no idea what you're talking about."

"Pshhh... Oh, oh, oh! Pork shoulder butt!" And he ran off.

Like I said. Grocery shopping with Nathanyel... Not for the easily embarrassed. Usually quite painful. Luckily, he really is a workaholic, and left me alone soon enough. I let him keep the robes.

After that particular incident, I had been hoping for no more intrusions. However, privacy is a privilege that I have never been afforded.

I shuffled downstairs after a cold shower, which, contrary to popular belief, neither woke me up nor got rid of my morning boner. Which was rather frustrating. So, I felt like eating something, and was in the process of pulling on my dressing gown (and only my dressing gown) when I heard noise coming from the kitchen. Slipping my hand into my pocket, I cautiously descended the rest of the stairs and stalked across the hallway, peering around the corner into the kitchen. And then I groaned.

Nathanyel was sitting at the table, reading a copy of the Daily Prophet and calmly sipping a glass of orange juice, a plate of pancakes and eggs before him on the table. "What the fuck are you doing here?" I asked irritably, stepping into the kitchen.

"Good morning, lovely," he answered simply. "Glad to see you up so early. Hungry?" He indicated the seat across from him, at which there was a breakfast identical to his, except that I had eggs benedict on mine. My favorite.

"Alright, what's going on?" I asked cautiously, sitting down across from him. He neatly folded the newspaper, setting it aside and folding his hands in front of him, smiling at me.

"Have a bite to eat," he encouraged. "I made it all myself." I was wary at first, but then I remembered that there was no way he'd ever poison me, considering how much he wanted me to marry Nadia. So, I ate. And it was absolutely delicious. "Good?" I nodded, my mouth full. "Excellent. Do you know what else is excellent, Severus?" I gave him a questioning look, puzzled by his visit and even more puzzled by his topic of conversation. "That you kissed Nadia." Then I sprayed food all across the table. Still smiling, Nathanyel wiped some half-masticated egg from his eyes and continued. "It's funny that you never mentioned it to me. It sort of makes me wonder why you would keep that to yourself. Perhaps you would like to tell me?" As he spoke, he pulled his wand from his robes (which were inside out) and cleaned my breakfast off of himself.

"Well... Er... It just slipped my mind." I used my wand to clean off the table top, then wiped my mouth with a napkin.

"Really? Well, it didn't slip Nadia's mind. She told me yesterday." I remained silent. "I think she only kept it to herself for so long because she was unsure of how I would react. Perhaps that's why you decided not to tell me?"

"Perhaps," I answered tersely. "Besides that, it was nothing, really. And it isn't as if I just ran up to her and shoved my tongue in her mouth." Nathanyel looked slightly disappointed.

"Alright, so tell me about it." He leaned back and looked at me expectantly.

"Well... It was the last day, and the carriages were coming around to pick up all the little brats- I mean, students. She just showed up out of nowhere and gave me a journal of sorts, and then asked me to kiss her. You know, a goodbye kiss. I think she was fairly sure that she'd never see me again." Nathanyel nodded.

"Yes, she's positive about that. It's a good thing she's wrong." He grinned.

"Right. Well, anyway, I thought I'd humor her, so I gave her a little peck on the lips."

"...And?" Apparently he wanted details.

"And... She nearly fell over."

"Aw! She's smitten!" He seemed far too happy about this for comfort.

"Indeed. And then I walked away. The end."

"So what about that journal? She never told me she had a journal." I colored considerably; that journal was an extremely embarrassing book that I'd hoped never to share with another living soul. However, when Nathanyel wants something, he gets it. That's just the way he is. Insistent.

"Yes, well... It's nothing. Just, you know, the usual things."

"May I see it?" He raised an eyebrow at me, his back straight and his mouth set in a rigid line. I could tell he was mocking me.

"Fine. And wipe that look off your face!" I led him to my study, where I grabbed the journal from the bottom drawer of my desk and handed it over. "There." He looked at it, his shoulders shaking in silent laughter. After a bit, he calmed down enough to speak.

"'The Seduction of Severus Snape?'" He breathed. "Well, I daresay it worked well enough, wouldn't you agree, Severus?" I only grunted as I watched him skim through the journal, flipping through the pages. He stopped at one particular point and stared, eyes wide. After a moment, he looked up at me with his eyebrows so high that they disappeared behind his fringe. "She did that with the Creevey boy?" I nodded. "They're not still-"

"No. Apparently, he was jealous of me." Nathanyel let out a short laugh.

"Hm, so he's joined the many hordes."

"Harhar."

"Indeed." He continued to flip through the book, then stopped at a point at the very back, only a couple of pages from the end, a warm smile spreading across his face.

"What are you reading about?"

"The kiss."

"...Oh." That explains it. After a bit, he shut the journal and handed it back to me, still smiling. Taking a deep breath, he drew me into a tight hug.

"This is so wonderful," he muttered happily. "I just know you'll be happy with her." I only sighed. "Talk to her soon, alright? I don't think I could stand her moping another day."

"Alright, I will. I promise." Why the hell did I promise? Argh. I just hope that I won't end up getting pounded, frozen, starved, and stabbed again... If I have to go through that kind of thing again, then wizards' debt be damned, I'm getting as far away from that girl as possible.

"Thanks." Nathanyel let me go, patting me on the arms with a huge grin on his face. "Well, I have to be getting to work, now. I'll see you later." And with a wink he disapparated. I thought I had apparition wards up? Perhaps they're crumbling... They are rather old. Or perhaps he'll arrive at work splinched. He'd probably enjoy that.

Nathanyel is so creepy.

Finally given some peace, I was able to do what I love best: absolutely nothing. Lazing about is one of the greatest pleasures in life, aside from afternoon naps. Absolute rapture.

"Wake up, sleeping beauty!" Grimacing, I slowly opened one eye, only to have a dirty, nasty old feather shoved in my face.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"I got you a portkey," Nathanyel informed me. "Just in case." I glared at him.

"Do you actually want me to fuck your daughter?" He frowned a bit and wrinkled his nose.

"Gross, no. But you could at least bring her over for a talk. You can't put this off forever, you know." I rolled my eyes.

"Yes, yes. I'll talk to the bloody girl. Now, leave me to my nap." I rolled over, intending to get in at least another hour of solid napping, when I felt a weight settle on my back. "Get. Off. Of. Me."

"Not until I see you write a letter."

"I can't with you on me!" As soon as he got up, I summoned an envelope, stuffed the feather inside, and sealed it. "There! Now go away!"

"I'll take it to the post office on my way to the Three Broomsticks!" he replied jovially, plucking it out of my hand.

"What are you going to the Three Broomsticks for?"

"I'm meeting Remus. He wanted to have a drink."

"I see. Laying out his careful plan of seduction, is he?"

"Remus is not trying to seduce me," he huffed. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've every intention of getting completely pissed. Good day to you, sir."

"What's so good about it?" He ignored me, of course. That line is overused, anyway.

I had thought my summer would be a time of relaxation.

But I was wrong.

The real disaster struck when I found her in my bedroom, late one night. I was a bit surprised to see her there, frankly. I hadn't expected her to arrive at night; the owl had taken longer to deliver the portkey than I'd anticipated. My original intention was to sit down with a drink or two and calmly discuss possible future arrangements. If I could have managed to keep her calm for more than five minutes, that is. However, since it was so late, and I'd had a hard-on, anyway... Well, I just thought, "Why the fuck not? I could use some sex."

Call it what you wish, but she seemed to enjoy it an awful lot. Although, I could have lived a happy life without having been called "Lovely Delicious the Sparkle Whore." Eurgh. Either way, it was fun. She isn't so bad, for someone so inexperienced. Very creative. I was quite surprised to find that I had a good time. And even drifting off to her telling me that ridiculous gay pirate story again wasn't so bad.

Waking up with a silencing charm, however, was not enjoyable.