Conveniently Placed Cardboard Cutouts At Hogwarts

Chapter 10

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Author: Thank God my hand didn't type it...

Hand: *typing* **Still At Hogwarts**

Author: Damn.

***

It is the middle of November, but due to global warming, the day is nice and sunny, and around 70 degrees Fahrenheit (21 degrees Celsius, for my non-US readers). Mandy, the "Texan" blonde that she is, decides to go tanning in the lake.

Yes, with the giant squid. So she gets up at 6 am that fateful Saturday, and gets ready. She has magically brought her concert crew here, for makeup, hair and clothes, as she can't live without them. (Britney has also done that, along with getting her mother, too. Christina doesn't need a hair crew, she's growing out her afro, doesn't even comb it anymore.)

Walking out to the lake in a skimpy bikini at noon (yeah it took her six hours to get ready), Mandy's got a blowup lounge under one arm, a boom box in the other hand, and sand toys in a big beach bag over her shoulder. She's forgotten shoes again, so, walking to the Broomshed (about ten feet off of the asphalt path that goes straight to the lake) she grabs two brooms: one for her load of crap, and the other for herself. Keep in mind that the top of her bathing suit is practically a piece of string and the bottom looks like a Barbie sized bandana.

Mandy *screaming as she flies over people she knows*: HI! HI! HI! *sees Draco* HI DRACO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *waves madly and tips over, but crosses her ankles and flies upside down into the lake*

Draco: Oh, god...*puts his head in his hands*

Mandy swims to the top of the lake, and, feeling the Giant Squid slither past her, gets a great idea...

Mandy *screaming* : DRACO! IT'S...IT'S...GOT ME!!!!! *goes underwater for a minute* HELP!!!!!!!

Draco: *looks up in surprise* Is she drowning? Oh, yes! Yes! *starts hugging people around him, mainly Gryffindors, even Harry*

Mandy *as the squid slithers past, and this time actually grabs hold of her ankle* : OH GOD!!!!! I'M NOT JOKING! HE'S GOT ME!!!!!!!!!!!

Random Hufflepuff that Talks in All Capitals: I CAN SEE HIM RIGHT BEHIND HER!!!! DRACO, DO SOMETHING!!!! SHE'S ABOUT TO BE EATEN ALIVE!!!!

Draco: So?

RHTTIAC: WELL, SHE ASKED YOU TO SAVE HER!!!!

Mandy has, at this point gone underwater for thirty seconds. Harry begins to move towards the lake, but Draco pushes him back.

Draco: Don't be tryin' to steal my fifteen seconds of fame, girlfriend! *snaps his fingers at Harry, who is now really dazed and confused*

Harry: Huh? *shrugs*

Draco dives into the water, and pulls out Mandy, whose ankle has been let loose. She sobbing, and her "waterproof" mascara is dripping, her hair is ruined, and her whole "tan" face was quickly running down her throat onto the string--I mean, *cough* bikini. I've never actually seen anything like that you know. Extreme exaggeration is good. Very vivid. Why the hell am I rambling about bikinis?

Mandy: I thought I was gonna die, Drakey! *throws her arms around his neck and practically strangles him*

Draco: *can't breathe properly* I...wish...you...had...

SFX (sound effects): SNAP! CRACKLE! POP!

The Rice Krispies guys show up, each holding a Bugle (like the snack kind, I don't know if they make them any more), and followed by the Keebler elves. They play on the Bugles: Dun duda daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Snap: *Wizard of Oz song in Munchkin Land* We represent

Crackle: The lullaby- *Pop cuts him off*

Pop: The great and powerful O- *Snap cuts him off*

Snap: Lord Voldie! *eyebrow waggle, and a cough* I mean, Voldemort!

SFX: BIG BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *gasp from the SFX guy* OOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!! *Voldemort appears*

Voldie: I have come to do you in, Harry Potter!

Everyone standing around: It's getting OLD, you ancient, wheezing, *Back to those damn Shakespearean/Draco tactics* cockered, sheep-biting, strumpet!

Voldie bursts into tears, and he disappears with the faintest whisp of smoke.

***

Hermione is, once again in the library. However, she isn't studying...at least *big grin* not for school...She's got a book entitled Breakfast at Tammy's Witch Tea Room. It's about sex for the typical witch. Heh...

Parvati is farther down the aisle that Hermione is located in, looking at another novel, this one entitled The Sweetest Charm. And even farther down the aisle is Lavender, leaning against a shelf reading While the Potion Lasts.

Buffy has brought her class there for research (in the Restricted Section, she's wanted to kill them off, but she can't do it in class, that too obvious, so she was hoping the books would kill them) and is wandering through the Fiction section, an aisle away from the three girls. She then goes to the aisle with the girls.

Buffy *with a book in hand*: Why the hell are you reading this trash?

Hermione : Why are you?

Buffy: I...I'm...not...I'm just putting it away.

Hermione: It belongs in the next aisle over. Its author's last name starts with S, not A-M.

Buffy: Shut up! *Puts the book on the shelf. Runs off*

Lavender: Why'd you do that, Hermione?

Hermione: I thought we were gonna learn this year. All we see is the same damn crap we did last year: an insane teacher being an idiot while trying to freak us out. Well it doesn't work anymore! I vote that the three of us go to Dumbledore-

Parvati: He's dead.

Hermione: McGonagall-

Parvati: She is, too.

Hermione: Snape-

Parvati: And him.

Hermione: And you will be too, if you don't SHUT UP! I think we should propose to Trelawney.

Parvati: She's dead, Hermione. *Hermione gives her an evil stare* Never...mind...we can talk to her corpse, I guess...

Hermione: To someone with authority that we get a new DADA teacher THAT ACTUALLY TEACHES!!!!!!!!!!!

Lavender: What's this 'we' thing about?

Hermione: I give UP! *Turns to run off and smashes into the shelf of books, and falls down* Ow......

The shelf of books Hermione ran into is wobbling back and forth unsteadily. Hermione grabs a hold on the book Buffy had left, preparing to pull herself up. Instead, she pulls the book down; it was some kind of lever. The whole library began shaking as the shelf self deconstructed, tumbling down in a torrent of flying pages, leather bound covers and colorful bookmarks, including a number of pink demerit slips.

From beneath the rubble, Hermione finds a way to shout her last words: OH SHIT! I FORGOT TO HAND IN THIS DETENTION TO SNAPE! NO WONDER HE GAVE ME FIVE THE NEXT-

Hermione has died.

So has Lavender.

And Pavarti.

No funeral for them.