Conveniently Placed Cardboard Cutouts At Hogwarts

Hand: **Still at Hogwarts**

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Back to the story…

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Jessica Simpson is walking down the hall giggling, with her newfound friends in Hufflepuff. (All the girls ended up there because it was the only house stupid enough to accept them.) As she is the only one blonde enough to not want to go to the library - tanning by the lake had much more appeal - she branched off to go to the Hufflepuff house, to change into her new red-lingerie type bathing suit (A/N: can you say… McGonagall?)

Jessica: Like, bye, guys! Ttyl! (she actually said that.)

One of the friends: *Nasal New-Yorker accent* Like, why was she trying that stupid first year curse on us? She’s like, such a Squib!

Jessica: *running down the hall* Oh boy!

*Jumps up and down continuously, and ends up literally bouncing off a wall into a tapestry. Going through the tapestry, she finds herself in a hidden passageway.*

Jessica: Like, wow! I thought they only had these things in like, magic, one-thousand-year-old English castles or whatever!

She walks cautiously to the other side of the passageway and comes out in the Gryffindor common room. Noting that it’s empty, Jessica looks to where the staircase to the boys’ dormitory is. Thinking she can go “make a surprise” for Harry, she grins evilly at the prospect of stealing anything that belongs to Britney. She steals across the red carpet until she sees someone.

A ghost!

Jessica: *at the top of her lungs* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! JEEEESUUSSS!

Ghost of Cedric: *totally serious* Jesus!? Where? I’ve always wanted to meet him!

Jessica: *nasty personality change* Not here, stupid! *back to Ms. Valley Girl From Texas* Like, hi! My name is, like, Jessica Simpson, and you are?

Cedric: *007 thing* Diggory. Cedric. Diggory. At your service! *bows, then attempts to sweep Jessica off her feet. Jessica leans back into his arms… falls through them and to the floor clumsily.*

Jessica: Owie! That hurt! *grabs head*

Cedric: *totally going skitzo, he switches over to Draco-tactics: Shakespearean Sonnets* You are but a beautiful one, angel,

With wings such as those of a dove, you fly,

And with a voice that tinkles like a bell,

You sing to my heart while passing me by.

Jessica: *while Cedric is rambling* Oh, how dreamy! *swoons*

Cedric: *last line* And now I’ll give my heart to you, love.

Jessica: *from the floor, Cedric missed again when she swooned* Well, that was really sweet and all, but what did it mean?

Cedric: *groans and hits himself upon the head*

Jessica: I have an idea!

Cedric: *apprehensive* What? We can’t have sex…I mean *cough, cough*

Jessica: Quite the feisty one, huh.

Cedric: No… well *sheepish* yeah.

Jessica: Well, that wasn’t my plan anyway. I’m going to sing to you!

Cedric: Oh, god.

He is frightened, as Britney has already given a concert in the Great Hall.

Jessica: *doesn’t even sing her own song* I’m stronger than yesterday, ‘cuz love don’t cost a thing. I’m a genie in a bottle, and I’m missin you like candy. If I could fall into the sky, you’d better get this party started…

Cedric: I wish the dead could die again…

Jessica: *mid song* What was that mumble?

Cedric: I just remembered that I have to go read to my friend…Ben…

Jessica: But you’re a ghost!

Cedric: *thinking fast, he averts his eyes and looks slightly shifty* We have…ghost…books…

Jessica: No! Don’t leave me!

Cedric disappears.

Jessica: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *begins singing again* These…foolish games are tearing me, they’re tearing apart…

Near the end of the song, Jessica is singing so loud and high, her eardrums burst, and she gets a sharp pain in her abdomen.

Jessica: Urk…………*spontaneously combusts*

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In the Kitchens

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Winky has become heavily immersed in drugs and, on a vacation to Los Magos (the wizard equivalent of Las Vegas) with Dobby, they both got drunk and were married by a Weird Sister impersonator.

Winky: Dobby! I want s’more crack! And a new Slinky crack pipe!

Dobby: *playing the dutiful husband* Yes, honey! Right away!

Winky: *suddenly wasted, and…yeah* Sure, how ‘bout s’more *hiccup* Butterbeer, too? *hiccup*

Dobby: *with arms full of supplies* Here, sweetie! Anything else I can get you?

Winky: Yeah, can I use your teacup hat for a marijuana ashtray?

Dobby: *takes it off and brandishes it* Sure!

Winky nods, then takes the thing--

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“CUT! STOP ROLLING!”

A prop master rushes onto the set and grabs the teacup from Winky’s hand replacing it with a cardboard cutout one.

“CONTINUE!”

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From the cardboard cutout teacup, Winky pulls a pair of… *eerie music in background: DUN DUN DUHHHHHH!!* CARDBOARD EARMUFFS! *lightning and thunder effects*

The Killer Cardboard Earmuffs attack Dobby. He dies.

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“CUT!!”

I am sorry to announce at this time, that, due to the fact that the director is standing in front of me, I cannot tell you what is going on. The director is a large man. Very, very large. Like, Hagrid times two.

“CONTINUE!!”

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Winky: Heh… heh… *falls over, made of cardboard*