Conveniently Placed Cardboard Cutouts At Hogwarts

Damn Those Filibusters!!

Um, WoW! Faith actually WROTE! Made me, Star, type, but that´s okay I´ll forgive her.

*In the Forbidden Forest*

Penelope: Oh Percy. The Forest is so... alluring at night *bats eyelashes coyly*

Percy: *utterly clueless* yes, darling, well...there was nowhere else we could go without being pelted with food or various particles of dirt. I never knew people hated us so much. Hmm... *absentmindedly* darling, you have something in your eye.

Penelope: *shooting Percy an evil glare out of the corner of her eye* jeez, you´d think that someone so big-headed would be smart enough to know when a girl is onto him. *shakes her head* I don´t need a man this bad! *turns to storm away, but apparently decides that yes, she does need a man that bad, for she then runs back to Percy and ties to kiss him.

Percy: *still bewildered* Darling! This is a public forest!

Penelope: *sighing* Percy! We´re in a forest! You said it yourself! The only voyeurs here are the animals and assorted weirdos, like Quirrell!

(A/N: of course, the pair does not see the assorted first-years assembled behind Hagrid´s hut, watching them with bug eyes.)

Percy: *primly* Still. I would appreciate it if you would show at least a hint of decorum.

Penelope: *gritting her teeth* Percy, darling. No one is here. It´s a beautiful moonlit night. We are two horny adolescent teenagers in a forest. Why are you still using words more than two syllables long? *her eyes widen as realization dawns on her* Ha! I knew it! You´re GAY!

Percy: *confused* Why, yes, as a matter fact. I´m very happy. What´s wrong with that?

Random First-Years in the Bushes: Take it all off! *cheer* Where´s the action?

Penelope: *mistaking rugrats´ little voices for God´s...hey, we never did say she was sane...* Did you hear that? Even GOD wants us to do it. Come on, what are you, a chicken? *she starts clucking like a chicken and moving around slowly with her hands in her armpits, flapping around her arms like wings.*

Percy: You know...it shouldn´t, but it turns me on incredibly when you do that.

Penelope: *shrugging* who knew?

*they embrace and start kissing wildly. A spark sizzles. There is a pile of cardboard cutout dynamite at their feet. No one notices. Suddenly... KABOOM!*

Penelope: *a pile of ashes* Look what you did, you dolt! You blew us up!

Percy: * a pile of ashes with glasses and a small silver Big Headed Boy badge off to the side*: Youre´t he one who wanted me so badly!

*They bicker on and on until suddenly the ashes catch fire. And then...they spontaneously combust. Like, POOF! They are GONE!*

Random First Year: Well... that really sucked. But thanks for the trip, Ms. Slayter.

Buffy (aka Ms. Slayter): *beams evilly* No problem.

*They all troop back to the castle. Now if Percy and Penelope´s spontaneous combustion isn´t enough to scare you away from sex completely, just think of Buffy waiting for you under the sheets. With her weapons arsenal under the pillow as a collection of "sex toys."*

***

*Dungeons*

Buffy: Ok, class, as everyone knows already, your louse of a Potions teacher immersed himself in a vat of arsenic a while back. *laps hand to forehead* Whoops, wasn´t supposed to, um, let that out. He was going after a perverted McGonagall cutout in lingerie, after all. *sighs and mutters a few expletives under her breath* Damn. Wasn´t supposed to say that either.

Hermione´s Ghost, who loves learning so much she just had to come back (A/N: Will later be referred to as- Hermione´s Ghost): So your teaching Potions and DADA, too?

Buffy *sighs*: No, I´m NOT teaching your dada, little girl.

Hermione´s Ghost *confused*: Um, okay...

Buffy: Anyway! Today in Potions, I´ve decided that since I hate all of you and I´m no teacher, I´ll kill ya all! *cackles, then stops when she realized that they´re all laughing at her, like it was a joke. Is now angry beyond measure. How could the little sprite think she was kidding!? This is BUFFY we´re talking about here... whatever.* I mean, *cough* we´re going to be doing Potion-of-Your-Choice-Day. Nothing illegal, alright?

*Gryffindors scramble to hide recipes for highly illegal and dangerous drugs- er, potions.*

Harry: Hey, Ron, why not make potions to make us sexy bitches? *off Ron´s weirded out look* C´mon, you can´t deny your primal urges!

Ron: *gravely* No, Harry. No, I just can´t.

*Both scramble for Sexy Bitch Potion recipe*

Hermione´s Ghost: *calls across the room, really, really loudly* Ron, you don´t need that! You´re already a sexy bitch! *blushes* I mean, sexy is a bad word! Shame! *runs from the room*

Britney *leaning "sexily" in the doorway, speaking in a very low, hoarse tone*: Helloooo, Harry...

Harry: Come again?

Britney: Hey Harry! *breaks out in song* Hit me baby, one more time!

*Harry and Ron look at each other, grin, and start moving towards where she is standing*

Britney: *hold up her hands* STOP! *everyone in the room freezes* You drive me crazy!

Everyone Else: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE KNOW YOU´RE A POP STAR! ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS LOOK AT YOUR ASS!

Britney: oh. *Harry winks at her* Is there something in your eye, Harry?

Harry: um, no *Winks again*

Britney: *confused* there it goes again! Here, lemme help-

Harry: NOOOOO!!!!! *screams as Britney pokes wand in his eye*

Britney: *giggles as Harry proceeds to bleed profusely from his eye socket* Sorry!

Harry: ACK! THE PAIN! THE HORROR! THE SUFFERING!

Ron: *slings arm around Harry´s shoulders* C´mon, shall we? Best get back to our potion making. *pokes Harry in the other eye with his wand*

Harry: JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH! *his eyes begin to tear, mixing in with the blood*

Ron: Ah, I think that you´re thinking of the wrong class, mate. And stop blubbering, will ya? We´ve got work to do! *they walk back to their table to work on the potion, and Harry´s sight begins to come back*

Buffy *picks up the recipe*: Sexy Bitch Potion? Well, you two certainly don´t need that! *winks* damn, I need a man!

Harry: *quite gleefully* there´s something in your eye! *stabs Buffy with wand* Oh, sorry! *does it again* heehee! That´s actually quite funny!

Buffy: *reads recipe list* Toe fungus, three rotten eggshells, two smelly socks...man, this sounds like the inside of Snape´s teacher cubby!

Harry: *throws up* great! Now I´m nauseous and bleeding!

Ron: but quite sexy, too!

Harry: We haven´t taken the potion yet, Ronniekins...

Ron: *oblivious to the fact that he doesn´t make sense* A man can dream, Harry... A man can dream...

*they shrug and drink Sexy Bitchifying Potion. They are sexy, sexy bitchified*

Harry: Let´s go get some girls! We should get loads of female attention like this!

(A/N: they were half right. Attention being the keyword, female being the variable)

*At this point, BBMAK has reached Hogwarts in search of Christian´s hairdryer (stolen by Britney) and they spot Harry and Ron*

Mark: *points* LOOK! SEXY BITCHES!

Christian: Sexier than us!? WHERE!?!?!?!?!?

Ste: We´re not sexy bitches, Christian, we´re serious musicians...

Christian: Ste. SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Buffy: AHHHHHHHH! BBMAK!!!!!!!!

*runs at top speed and "accidentally" pushes them off of a conveniently placed cardboard cutout cliff*

Harry: *shrugs* Guess they couldn´t handle not being as sexy as us.