Conveniently Placed Cardboard Cutouts At Hogwarts

Chapter 7...

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(It’s becoming a habit, I swear!!!)

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Professor Sprout is in Greenhouse 3, with the Mandrakes. She is wearing her fuzzy pink earmuffs, and repotting the little buggers.

Sprout: *singing loud enough to hear herself nicely* LA LA LA LA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (it was a slight Angelica-from-the-Rugrats voice, too.)

While she is singing between repotting the funky green guys, some unknown mass murderer (A/N: IT WAS NOT ME!) comes up and removes her earmuffs, replacing them with cardboard cutouts that look exactly the same.

Sprout: LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! *more of an opera-type scream than anything else*

The earmuffs slide off her ears, just as she unearths a Mandrake (it’s only a baby.) It screams loudly.

Sprout: *comments* WHAT THE!? *faints*

The little Mandrake is tired, and its head has burst open from the pressure of its own wails. The little cardboard earmuffs begin to slide their way around Sprout’s neck… They strangle her to death. And then they pot her like a Mandrake.

Little Cardboard Earmuffs: *giggle* We bad…we really bad… *giggle*

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***After dinner, yet again (it’s a good time for stupid-ness from me)***

Mandy: *twiddling thumbs while sitting on banister of staircase like a gargoyle.* Hummm hummmm,,,

(Draco walks by)

Mandy: *at the top of her lungs* HI DRACO!

Draco: Ummm…do I know you?

Mandy: WELL, YEAH! DON’T YOU REMEMBER? LIKE, LAST NIGHT?

Draco: Ummmm. No. Sorry, blew my mind.

Mandy: *turns on what she thinks is a flirtatious voice* Well, actually…

Draco: Continue no more! What house are you in, fair maiden? *takes on a Shakespearean air*

Mandy: Well…ehm…Gryffindor? I think?

Draco: *consumed with passion from acting, doesn‘t even hear her reply* Well-eth, then-eth. You-eth and-eth I-eth shalt find-eth an empty-eth classroom-eth! *He sweeps her into his arms*

Mandy: Oh, Drak-ey poo! You’re sooooooooo adorable!

Draco: *blanches at nickname and drops Mandy* I WASN’T TALKIN’ TO YOU! I WAS ACTING, DAMMIT!

Mandy: I can act…

Draco: *scared* No thanks. I like acting with myself.

Mandy: *raises eyebrow* Oh, really?

Draco: Yes…wait. NO! Not like that, eeeeeewwwwww. *shakes himself* Ugh, that’s icky.

*Draco runs away, Mandy following all the way to the Slytherin common room*

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*doorbell*

Hagrid: FANG! Ge’ d’ do’!

Fang: WOOOOOFFFFF! *runs to door, opens it, pays the delivery man, closes the door, and opens the package in ten seconds flat*

Hagrid: Wha di w’ ge?

Fang: WOOOOOF! (translation: why do you care, you old bag of rocks?) *Brings the bag to Hagrid, who opens it up*

The bag is from the Leaky Cauldron, where Tom the barkeep is trying to replicate Hagrid’s tea stones…(A/N: did I say stones? I meant, *ahem* scones…)

Hagrid: Oh, loo! Te sco’se! (translation: Oh, look! Tea scones!)

Fang: *whimper* (he doesn’t like stones. I mean, scones)

Hagrid: Oh, loo’ a’ thi one! *holds up a really big stone. Scone. Well, it really does look like a stone. Hard as one too. But they are tea stones. Scones, I mean.*

Fang: *puts paw over head. He hates stones. And scones*

Hagrid tries to shove the whole thing down his throat, but it gets stuck…

The scone (stone…wait no it was right the first time…no it wasn‘t. yes, it was. Ok.) Where was I? Oh yeah. The scone was expanding…

Hagrid: Fan’ ge’ it ou’ m’ mout! (translation: Fang, get this damned thing out of my chompers so I can breathe!)

Fang: *still hiding under paws*

Hagrid chokes. Hagrid dies. A masked person (probably the mass murderer that killed Professor Sprout, in the Greenhouse with the Cardboard Earmuffs *A/N: that wasn‘t supposed to sound like Clue, I swear*)

I forgot where I was again! AHHHH! I HAVE ALZHEIMER’S! NOOO! Sorry. I know where I was!

Said masked person transfigures Fang into cardboard cutout dragon. The dragon flies to Romania. He finds Charlie Weasley.

He eats Charlie Weasley.

Charlie Weasley is dead.

Charlie Weasley is no more.

Charlie Weasley is gone.

Charlie Weasley has bitten the dust.

Charlie Weasley has said his last words (A/N: They were “OH, SHIT!)

Charlie Weasley is six feet under.

Charlie Weasley has gone to the happy dragon-hunting grounds.

Charlie Weasley has croaked (not like a frog)

Charlie Weasley has gone to the happy country of Romania in the sky.

Charlie Weasley has joined 2Pac.

Charlie Weasley has spontaneously combusted. (Not)

Charlie Weasley has said, Et tu, Fang? (A/N: Read Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar!)

Charlie Weasley…I can’t think of any more.

But I think you get the idea. Keyword: I think.