Conveniently Placed Cardboard Cutouts At Hogwarts

*** Still at Hogwarts ***

(ok. Is this really necessary, Ruch?)

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Fred and George are the only people in there, working on their joke business stuff.

George: Oy! Fred! Come try out this new flavor Canary Cream!

Fred: *Takes it from George* What flavor is it exactly?

George: Liver. *Fred hands it back* Just kidding. It’s strawberry, ugly.

Fred: *Takes the food back and bite off a huge mouthful* Umph…good. However, if I’m ugly, then you *turns into large canary* chirp chirp, chirp!

George: *laughs* Oh, that’s a hoot!

(Some unidentified person comes up and puts a spell on George: urntay ntoibay abay atcay! George turns into carnivorous, hungry black cat.)

Fred: Chirp! Chirp! (translation: George! Nice Whiskers!)

George: MEEEOOOOWWWWWWWW! SSSSSSSSSSSSS! *A/N: that’s a hiss* (translation: Oh, I’m hungry…You belong in my tummy!)

Fred: CHIIRRRPPP!? (translation: WHAAAAATT!?)

(George pounces on Fred and eats him quickly. He then moseys over to the fireplace and sits down for a catnap. *A/N: No pun intended*)

George: Purrrrrrr…. (translation: that was goooood, man.)

(A whole slew of Gryffindors come in from Hogsmeade and see George the cat in front of the fireplace)

Random Gryffindor that talks in all capitals: HEY! IT’S A BLACK CAT! IN OUR COMMON ROOM! KILL IT!

(People rush over and stampede George. His carcass is thrown in the fire… poor guy. I mean, cat. Wait no. He was really a guy. But maybe he was destined to be a cat. I should really shut up now.)

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Snape: *right after a whole day teaching Britney Spears* You drive me crazy, I just can’t sleep. I’m so excited, I just can’t eat…wait, those aren’t the right words, are they?

(Turns to the corner of the classroom to see a wonderful cardboard cutout of McGonagall in a bright red teddy, complete with garter straps, stockings and big clunky shoes. A/N: I really didn‘t want to think of that…ick)

Snape: (starts drooling) *soft voice* Oh, Minerva…what are you doing in here? And dressed like that?

(hears imaginary reply)

Snape: But…what if a student comes to the hall? They will most certainly…hear… *he giggles*

(hears another imaginary reply)

Snape: Well, you are feeling feisty. *Starts unbuttoning robe* Well, I’m in a…dangerous mood myself.

(hears yet another imaginary reply…A/N: I swear that’s the last one.)

Snape: Oh, yes Minerva!

(runs to cardboard cutout.)

(runs into cardboard cutout.)

(trips over large vat of rat poison with cardboard cutout in arms.)

*McGonagall, who was walking through the dungeons, heard the whole exchange and runs to the Potions room. Looks around, sees Snape’s feet and the cardboard cutout’s feet sticking out of the vat of rat poison*

McGonagall: *gasp* MY CARDBOARD CUTOUT! SEVERUS!

(dives into vat.)

For Snape? No.

For the cardboard cutout. (It was once Dumbledore’s, then Hagrid’s…then McGonagall found it and stole it.)

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Dumbledore walks up the endless tower stairs…he’s going to see if Trelawney is still alive after many complaints from the students about her classes. Reaches the top, waves to Sir Cadogan and tries to remember how to get into Trelawney’s room.

(Ladder comes down from ceiling, and Dumbledore climbs it.)

Trelawney: *seductively* Ahhh, Professor Dumbledore…I have been expecting you since…last week.

Dumbledore: (not catching Trelawney’s tone) Eh, hello, Sybil. *bluntly* Just came to, er, make sure that you were, ehm, alive.

(Trelawney sits him in a huge wing chair across from her. The perfumes that she sprayed today smell like dead roses, and her bug-eyes are framed by huge blue glasses encrusted in “sapphires”)

Trelawney: *tries to make Dumbledore notice her gaudy pink and yellow housecoat* Well, Dumbledore, do stay for…some tea, hmmm?

Dumbledore: *still totally missing that this is Trelawney’s way of flirting* Ehm, I suppose…

Trelawney: *suddenly excited* Dumbledore! I have finally done the impossible! I have predicted my own death!

Dumbledore: Did it come true?

Trelawney: Well, no, but I still did it!

Dumbledore: Ashame that it didn’t come true…I must be off…Lots of work…

Trelawney: It’s midnight, Professor.

Dumbledore: Yes, well, I’m a busy man. *yawns*

Trelawney: Oh, my dear Professor, but you are exhausted! You must stay the night and let me nurse you back to health. *gets REALLY excited at the prospect of that.*

Dumbledore: Well, I must be off! *falls down ladder and gets knocked out.*

Trelawney: First my prediction does not come true, then my love rejects me! Oh, horrid day! *begins to cry*

(Trelawney throws herself into the fireplace. She dies immediately, fulfilling her prediction. *A/N: I think that’s the first one ever to come true…*)