Conveniently Placed Cardboard Cutouts At Hogwarts

** Still at Hogwarts Castle**

(what, you think they ever leave?)

Ron: (whispers) Hey Harry, you think the hot girls are coming to class with us?

Harry: Of course, Ron. They're gonna be witches soon...they have to know how to cast spells!

Ron: (confused) But Harry, we've been going to this school for ten years, and all we can do is the same blasted spell we've done for the last ten years.

Harry: Yeah, well, we've also been fifteen for five years. J.K is never going to change anything, Ronniekins. We'll be going through puberty for the rest of our lives.

Ron: (voice cracking) W-ee w-i-ll?

Harry: (wincing as his voice deepens and squeaks) Unfortunately. (speaking to the ceiling) Have a heart, you rich old hag!

*From some unseen place in the sky a high-pitched cackle and the unmistakable rustle of money is heard.*

Ron: Well, I can't wait to see Christina...she's going to teach me the Mariah Carey today.

Harry: (confused) The what-ey?

Ron: The Mariah Carey. You know, where you scrunch up your chin, close your eyes, open your mouth like your screaming and wave your right hand around like a maniac. And then you shimmy. Like so...

*Ron proceeds to imitate the actions that he just explained, looking like a cross between a banshee and a sneezing cat. Then he shimmies. A lot. All over the place. Now he look like a banshee cat that is having a sneezing fit / seizure. Harry shudders and move away.*

Harry: You do that way too well, Ron.

Ron: (his expression downcast) I know.

* * * * *

Hermione: I'm so excited. We have a new Defense Against Dark Arts teacher today.

Britney: Oh, cool! What happened to the last one?

Hermione: (shrugging) We seem to go through them quite a lot. It's a lot like Spinal Tap, except with teachers instead of drummers.

Britney: Ooohhh. One of your teachers spontaneously combusted too?

Hermione: (mysteriously) Not yet.

*the door opens and in walks a petite blonde killing machine. She is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. There are a lot of different weapons attached to her body and a gasp rises around the classroom. Neville Longbottem whimpers as she walks near him and a random axe hanging from her neck swings waaay too close.*

Buffy: (snarling) If you don't stop crying I'll wear your head around my neck too.

Neville: (secretly happy as that would be the closest he'd ever be to a woman) Okay.

Buffy: Okay class. My name is Buffy. I kill stuff. And I guess I'm here to teach YOU how to kill stuff too.

Hermione: (standing up abruptly) Woohoo! Finally, we get to learn something else beside the same old drivel.

*Everyone looks at her, surprised at her outburst. Hermione sits down, embarrassed.*

Hermione: I mean, killing things is wrong. No killing here. I protest the killing.

Buffy: Save it sister. Okay class, one thing you should know about me is...I love what I do. I look for any excuse to do it. (she brandishes a knife) So you little rug rats better be good.

Random student: (suggestively, because at fifteen, all boys think they're hot stuff) Oh, yeah, baby. We'll be good. As good as you wan-

*Boy is cut off by same large knife cutting through the air and landing two inches away from his head.*

Random student: Fiesty. I like that.

All: Shut UP!

Random student: Oooh, no need to get your panties in a bunch. (to Buffy) Although YOU I wouldn't min-

*Same boy is cut off again, this time by a lot of knives whizzing through the air. Apparently everyone came prepared.*

Random student: (incredibly still speaking to Buffy, albiet from his hiding area beneath his desk) Ah, I like a girl who can handle her-

*Boy is cut off again, this time by Buffy hoisting the desk and him along with it out a conveniently placed window.*

Random student: Iiiiitt coooulda beeen goooooooooooood *thud*

Buffy: Hey, was that window cardboard?