Conveniently Placed Cardboard Cutouts At Hogwarts

Hagrid: OKAY! Fir' years in the friggi' boats!

Ron: (muttering) Well, if we could understand what the hell you were saying you crazy old coot, maybe we would...

Hagrid: HEY! I ha' a friggi' spee' impedime', okay?

Ron: Dirty mongrel.

Hagrid: Punk.

*all the first years pile into the boats and for some reason so does Ron. Because Harry and Hermione can't do anything without him, they follow Ron into the boats. They arrive at Hogwarts safe and sound, though a bit wet. By the water? No, by the scared crapless first-years that must sit on their laps due to the lack of room.*

Harry: (pointing at the pop stars who are still trying to find a doorknob) Ron! Look at those hot mamas! (off Hermione's look) I mean, those nice ladies.

Ron: (as soon as Hermione's back is turned) Yeah, they are cute. (points at Christina) Look at that skinny one with the ten pounds of makeup on!

Hermione: She looks like a harlot.

*just at this point, the cardboard cutout paddles on the boat decide that they are going to float off on their own. The emergency motor does not start. The backup emergency motor does not start. Neither does the backup to the backup. But the fiftieth backup motor does.*

Ron: (winking in what he thinks is a devilishly handsome manner, but which really looks extremely stupid) She's my kinda girl. Ha ha... (does complicated slap thing with Harry)

Hermione: (shocked) Ron!

Ron: Give me a break you stuffy old prune. You might be fifteen going on fifty but I am a normal hot-blooded teen with raging hormones.

Hermione: (haughtily) You've got the acne to prove it at least.

*the two seethe for a minute while Harry look at his watch and rolls his eyes. Four… three… two… one... then, predictably, the pair embrace in a clumsy staged kiss.*

Hagrid: Okay, ya lil demons...it's time t' unload!

Ron: Finally. Ew, I smell like pee.

Random First Year: Sorry mister. (laughs meanly and runs off with his little demon-ey friends, a dark stain spreading across his pants)

Harry: Look, Ron. It's those hot girls.

Ron: (salivating) Yes! The harlot is mine!

Harry: Well, I fancy the one with the big bongos anyhow.

*the boys laugh and slip away from the pack. They make their way to the girls and smile charmingly until Mandy notice them.*

Mandy: Oh, little boy! Are you lost?

Harry: Are you lost? (winks) Wait a minute… little boy? I'm as old a you are, you idiot!

Mandy: I am not an idiot! (as a second thought) I'm just from Texas.

All the girls: NO YOU'RE NOT!

Mandy: (in a stage whisper) They're just jealous that they're not from Texas.

Jessica *Texas born and bred*: (starts to open her mouth and then thinks better of it and shakes her head) Sad, so, so sad. Maybe I should give her some Zaloff.

Britney: So you boys single-I mean, the tour guides?

Harry: Tour guides? Huh?

Britney: Well, yeah, this is Paris right?

Christina: And this is the Eiffel tower right?

Harry: Nooooo...

*sharp nudge from Ron*

Harry: I mean, yeeess...

Christina: No it isn't! This is Hogwarts! You're Harry Potter! We're stuck in a fanfic about pop princesses, Harry Potter characters and Buffy the Vampire Slayer!

All: WHAT?!

Christina: (bored and mildly confused) I dunno. I think I had an epiphany or something.

Jessica: Oh, hey. They have shampoos for that kinda stuff, you know.

Christina: (rolls her eyes) Airhead.

Jessica: Huh?

Christina: I have a craving for Airheads.

All: Ohhhh

Hagrid: Okay, it's time t' go in d' schoo'!

Britney: Cool...there's a school in the Eiffel Tower?

*Hagrid ushers everyone into the castle*

*ominous music plays in the background*

Britney: Hey, do you guys hear that?

*ominous music stops abruptly*

Britney: Nahhh...

Door: *thud*